Toast of Tinseltown (2022) s01e04 Episode Script

"Jackie Onassis had hidden
the Walther PPK pistol
in her round hat.
"As the motorcade approached the
Texas Book Depository window,
"she knew this was her only chance
to finally murder her husband."
This is bullshit.
Bullshit?
How the hell would he know?
Well, for a start,
her name wasn't Jackie Onassis
when she was married to Kennedy.
It was Jackie Kennedy!
Oh! So, he's a historian
as well as a shitty actor!
OK, but did you know she was having
an affair with Onassis at the time?
No, she wasn't!
She didn't meet Onassis until
many years later.
Come on, you got to help me
out with this guy.
Clem Fandango!
What do you think?
Do I need this shit?
Yeah, and who told you Jackie
Kennedy assassinated her husband?
Who told me? A few guys told me.
A couple of guys who were there.
But more importantly,
Arnold Schwarzenegger!
What?!
So, he was there, too, was he?
No, he wasn't there, you asshole!
He was married to the Kennedys!
Which one? All of them?
All right, you You know what?
Maybe we should crack on, guys?
You know, hell of a lot
to get through.
Hi, Sola, this is Clem Fandango.
Can you hear me?
Yes, I can hear you, Clem Fandango.
What do you
what do you want?
Nothing. I was just making
sure you can hear me.
Look, do we have to use
this Toast guy?
His attitude stinks,
he sounds like George Lazenby,
he's not professional at all,
his delivery is terrible.
And don't get me started
on his hair..
What, is he saying something?
Sorry, I've lost Sola's sound.
Maybe we should continue with me
just reading the book?
OK, Steven, maybe
maybe we do that.
Yeah.
Yeah, we've got another 95,000 words
to get through, Steven.
"She thought of her
millionaire Greek lover
"and of her philandering
presidential husband.
"Soon she would be free of Jack
and enjoying the high life
"on one of Onassis's luxury yachts."
This is so great, Jennifyer.
Can I just ask a question,
Mr Chickentoss?
Call me Richard. Go ahead.
Isn't this more like the kind of
thing a hospital visitor would do
rather than a doctor?
That is such a great question.
But, occasionally, a doctor may
place a vase beside a patient
to make them feel more comfortable
before giving them some
terrible news.
Oh, right.
OK, I get it.
No, they wouldn't
OK. So, everybody,
grab your stethoscopes
from beneath your chairs.
David, you want to try this?
Just place the stethoscope
around your neck
and look concerned.
Uh Steven, we've not
seen much from you today.
Would you like to try that?
Yeah
Wow.
That's very, very good, Steven.
Have you played a doctor before?
No. Uh, well, I
..played a vet in an episode
of The Archers for Radio 4,
but I think they lost the tapes.
I see.
Now, could you try listening?
Yeah.
OK, listening is very important
in doctor acting.
Imagine that a patient
is telling you
his or her terrible symptoms.
Oh!
It's very obvious to me that
you've played doctors before.
It's so obvious.
I haven't.
Follow that!
OK, everyone, that's all for today.
We'll see you tomorrow,
except for Steven.
Honestly
..I have nothing more to teach you.
Good Lord.
Hi, uh, Steven.
I've been doing doctor acting
classes for ten years,
and I have never seen anything
like what you did today.
Really?
I mean, that was nothing.
I'm actually here in the States
because I'm playing the lead role
in the new Star Wars movie.
Yeah, sure
What?
Are you playing Dr Spock?
Doctor who?
Oh, Doctor Who.
I don't think anyone watches
that over here any more.
Anyway, would you mind?
You know, I've been meaning
to ask you a question.
You're an actor. Right.
How do you cry on camera?
Well, it's a good question.
Mostly applies to straight actors,
and by "straight" I'm not referring
to their sexual orientation.
I mean serious dramatic actors.
Actors who cannot do comedy.
Your not funny, so how do you do it?
Well
..I just focus on a spot
in the distance,
I think about snakes, monsters,
aliens - all under my bed -
and when that thought gets
too much, I cry.
Puta de madre!
Hay un hombre ahi abajo
Some guy blocking
the entrance where?
Show me.
Hey!
Get out of there!
You're blocking the entrance
to my building!
What's happening?
Some homeless guy and his mattress
right in front of the
doorway down there.
You believe that shit?!
Ugh
How about that, buddy?
Ah! You like that?
Huh? Argh!
Yo conozco ese hombre.
Si
No es tu papa?
Was that man out there your father?
Yeah! So what?!
Haven't seen him in 40 years,
since I was five.
Did he leave home
when you were five?
I left home when I was five.
I had enough of those assholes.
Fuck
Was that really his father?
Can I just start by saying
Mark Ruffalo absolutely
loved your audition. What?
He said he follows you on the
Twitter and the Instagram,
which is where he noticed your tweet
announcing your donation
to his Climate Solutions Project.
How many people retweeted that?
Was it two million?
You're getting me confused
with another actor!
Oh, yeah.
I'm Steven Toast.
Ah, shit, so you are, yeah.
I'm getting confused.
It's been a busy morning.
Do you know anyone in LA
with a spare room?
I need to move out.
Russ Nightlife is
driving me crackers.
You want to move out,
you need cash, buddy.
Everybody knows there's money
in playing doctors.
Who knew you'd be such
a goddamn natural?
You sure impressed the hell out
of Richard Chickentoss.
I didn't do anything. I don't know
what all the fuss is about.
Oh, we have to strike while
the iron's red hot, baby!
You know a Bellender Bojangles?
Belinda Bojangles?
No, BELLENDER Bojangles.
Unusual name.
Though, we are in the US of A.
She's producing a new TV show
set in a hospital,
it's the latest vehicle for Carmen.
You've heard of Carmen, right? No.
The audition is tomorrow.
I'm going to call Bellender now.
Brooke! That car!
Bell.
Sure.
Steven! Hi!
My name's Hoop Kaaak -
that's Kaaak with three As -
director of the show.
Bellender's a little late,
but, you know, that's all right.
We can get to know each other
a little bit. Steven!
I'm Bellender Bojangles.
I'm sorry I'm late.
Brooke has told me all about you.
I am so excited to meet you.
This is so super exciting.
Bellender, I love your shoes.
Oh, thank you.
They're the latest thing.
They're based on the horseshoes,
which are actually nailed
on to your foot,
so they're a perfect fit.
It's only very minor surgery, so
Mm, they're great.
Hugs all round.
Oh!
What do we like here, Hoop?
Hugs and smiles!
And what do we do here, Hoop?
We love entertaining people
and we love making TV shows.
Do you want in, Steven?
Uh I'm good, thanks.
I hear you just completed
the doctor acting class
with Rich Chickentoss.
How'd that go for you?
We heard you kicked ass.
I didn't really do anything.
You are being humble, Steven.
We don't do humble in this town.
Well, actually, the real reason
why I am in this town
is cos I'm starring in
the new Star Wars movie.
Yeah, sure.
Sorry?
Would you like to have a read
of some of the script?
I'll find us some hard copies.
Uh, let me just stop you there,
Hoop, if you don't mind.
Steven, would you be OK with
improvising a little?
What?
I was thinking, you could just say
some general doctor things.
You know, anything you like.
As long as they're doctor related.
Uh
One more thing, Mrs Wisehunt.
Now, I've just seen your X-rays,
and you have six months to live.
Something else.
Are you unwell, Captain?
Oh, that's very good.
Really?
This is amazing. Keep going.
You try any more shit like that,
Mrs Greenflash,
and I'll have to take
your temperature.
Oh!
Mother, you've got gout.
Probably due to the amount of whisky
and cigars you consume!
That's so good.
Thank you.
May I ask, to be this good,
I'm presuming you've worked
as an actual doctor, right?
No.
I once played a vet on an episode
of The Archers on Radio 4,
but I think they lost the tapes.
It is uncanny.
I loved how you worked out that not
only that your mother had gout,
but also how she got it.
Genius. Well, thank you.
You know, my own doctor was
just fired for having sex
with his colleague's twin sisters.
Really?
Some guys have all the luck.
I'm sorry.
Yes
Gina, would you tell everybody
coming in later to audition
for the Doctor Grainger part
not to bother?
Ooh, that's good.
I'm presuming you're new to LA,
Steven? Where are you staying?
I'm staying with a friend.
Well, he's not really a friend.
If I'm honest,
I'm desperate to get out.
Well, I think you may be in luck.
I have a great place here
in Beverly Hills,
but I recently moved out
to Santa Monica.
Why don't you stay in my
Beverly Hills apartment?
Really?
It's a fantastic penthouse.
Here, I'll give you the key now.
Thank you.
You can stay there as long as
you want, rent-free obviously.
It's having a multi-million-dollar
refurb at the moment.
But as soon as that's completed,
it's all yours, Steven.
Should only be a couple of weeks.
Sounds splendid.
Welcome aboard, Steven!
My God, you are going to have such
fantastic chemistry with Carmen.
She's in such a great place
right now.
Remarried for the fifth time to
Rodrigos, who we all love dearly.
You guys are going to be
great together.
I'm so super excited to start!
Hot damn!
Thrust?
Steven.
You're here?
I've been here for three hours.
Ah, shoot! No-one told you?
No.
Oh. Sorry, Steven.
You see, Carmen is always
three hours late.
So, if we say nine o'clock,
we know she'll turn up at 12:00.
I'm so sorry,
someone should have told you.
Hayley.
Why did you forget to tell Mr Toast
not to turn up till 12:00?
Erm
I don't think I was
OK, Hayley.
Now I look like a douchebag
in front of our actor.
So one of us has to leave
the company.
Jesus, that's harsh.
My apologies, Steven.
That obviously won't happen again.
Come on, boys!
Come closer.
You know what turns me on!
So, take your time
Take it slowly
Drink some wine
It is lovely
Let's make love
Nice and sexy
Let's make sex
Nice and naughty
Fuck these bitches
Fuck 'em in the ass
on my private jet ♪
What?
# You're economy class
Suck my titties
I'll smoke your grass ♪
Jesus.
Losing your mind when
you're eating this ass ♪
Good God!
When you're eating this ass!
Eating this ass. ♪
Hello, everybody! Hola!
Hello!
Mwah, mwah, mwah!
So, Hoop, you want to tell everyone
a little bit about the show?
Yes. I'm Hoop Kaaak -
that's Kaaak with three As -
the director of our show.
It's called The Hospital,
and it's about a hospital in
New York for sick children,
which is run by a very conscientious
doctor, called Doctor Grainger,
who will be played by Steven
Steven, uh?
Toast. Toast.
The hospital has no money,
so the owners are forced to sell
to a glamorous, rich entrepreneur,
called Trace Willoughby,
who is also a super bitch,
played by the extraordinary Carmen,
who, quite frankly, is no stranger
to playing super bitches!
I am a super bitch!
Boo! Boo!
You love it. You love it!
You want it!
Boo!
Trace immediately plans
to knock down the hospital
due to its value as prime
real estate.
But can Doctor Grainger stop her
and save the sick children?
Ooh!
OK, let's start.
Scene one. Interior hospital. Day.
Splendid.
Well, I don't see why we can't
get in touch with your mother
and she'll pick you up
and home you go.
Would you like that?
Excellent.
Doctor Grainger.
You have until next Tuesday to
get rid of these sick children
and find somewhere else to live.
You won't get away with this,
Trace Willoughby.
I'll fight you every step of
the way, you heartless witch.
And I know how your husband died.
Ha! Conrad died of natural causes!
How can an axe to the back of the
head be described as natural causes?
I have one thing to say to you,
Doctor Grainger.
What?
Fuck these bitches
Fuck 'em in the ass
on my private jet
You're economy class
Suck my titties
I smoke your grass
You'll be losing your mind
when you're eating this ass ♪
Why does she have to sing a song
in every bloody episode?
It's supposed to be a serious drama.
Cos she's a singer, not an actress.
She's not even Brazilian.
She's Irish.
Well, then, why not hire
a non-singing actress?
Like every other hospital show.
Wait here, Toast.
I got to get my painkillers
out of the trunk.
Right.
Oh!
Ooh! Hey, man.
I don't have any money and
..my mother will be back soon.
Jesus Christ!
Ha! He talks real funny.
Is he from the olden times?
Ew!
Look at all these creepy photos!
See you around, brother.
Must have left them on
the gas station counter.
Goddamn it!
So, first show goes out tonight.
You excited?
Yeah.
Ah, give it a couple of weeks,
people start kissing your ass
when you they see you,
you'll know it's a hit!
Ray ♪
Good grief. Surely not.
Ray ♪
Oh!
Ah! ♪
Hey, Carmen.
What about those sick kids?
You're one shitty lady.
I don't care what
you assholes think.
Why don't you go fuck yourselves?
Such language!
Not to mention,
those poor sick children.
Who cares? I can get a billion
dollars for that old building.
How do you like that,
you weasel-faced witch?
But we all love you,
Doctor Grainger.
You're my favourite
on the show.
I'm not really Doctor Grainger.
It's a part.
Play along, Toast.
They love it.
Hey, you two! Oh, yes!
Mwah!
Mm!
Oh, God, I love hugging people!
Yes, you do.
So, the show is a huge success.
Are you two getting great feedback?
Everyone loves a super bitch!
And I hear they love you,
too, Steven.
Well, it's not me, is it?
It's the character.
I've been wondering something,
Steven, what is the whole story
behind the, uh
you know, the white?
I fell out of a tree,
like the Olympic swimmer,
Duncan Goodhew.
OK, listen to this.
I got a letter from a couple who
really love the show, uber fans,
but not only is the guy's mother a
crazy super-duper fan of the show
..but especially of you,
Steven Toast.
Really?
Oh, I got to get this.
It's Rodrigos.
They have a small request.
Would you go and visit his mother
in hospital?
She has not been well lately.
Are you serious? Doctor Grainger
in an actual hospital?
It'll be great publicity
for the show.
Rodrigos is gay!
I'm sorry?
Rodrigos is gay!
He just told me!
I am distraught!
I can't live with him any more!
Can I stay in your Beverly Hills
place, please?
Of course.
No
Steven, have you got the key
to my apartment in Beverly Hills?
You haven't moved in yet, have you?
Well, I was planning on
moving in today.
I packed all my belongings
this morning.
Is the key in your apartment?
I think Carmen needs the place
a bit more than you.
I mean, look at her.
He's gay!
We need that key. Oh!
He has a boyfriend called Carlos!
They've been fucking for six months!
Toast!
Your stuff is still here.
I thought you were moving out!
Who the hell are these two?!
You can't bring people here!
No-one should know where I am!
Yeah, this is Carmen,
the pop legend.
How can you not know it's me?!
And this is Bell
I'm Bellender Bojangles.
I like to hug people
when I meet them.
No, no, no. Oh, come on.
No, no, no.
No, no, no, he doesn't like
close personal contact.
I say, Russ, you've trodden
on her scarf.
Let me help with that.
Whoa!
Shit!
Oh!
Oh. That's lucky.
He landed on a soiled mattress.
Who is that old homeless man?
I don't believe it. My boy!
Not now, Dad. Just get off!
That's his father.
Get off!
Don't hug him! He doesn't like
close personal contact!
Hey, Ma?
This here's Steven Toast.
You remember,
you wrote him a letter?
She's a lot older than I expected.
She's 93.
She's been in and out of hospital
constantly for the past, like,
what, 25 years.
She fell down her steps last week.
Now she's completely fucked.
Look at her.
We've had to visit her a lot.
I mean a lot. Way too much.
We're from New York, so it's
a flight over here to see her.
It's a pain in the ass
is what it is.
Yeah, but I imagine she can't help
being ill.
Oh, yeah, right. OK, Steven!
Anyways, no point in hanging around.
The knob is there.
All you got to do is turn it to
the right, and it'll all be over.
What?!
It was her last request.
What was?
For you to turn off her
life-support machine!
It was her dying wish!
Hey, look, time's tight here, honey.
We got a plane to catch back home,
for the dogs,
you know what I'm saying?
Hang on. What do the doctors
think of this?
Oh!
My mother hates the doctors, OK?
She could give two shits
what they think.
She didn't want a doctor doing it.
She asked for you.
She loves that show you're in!
Don't do it
She just said something. No
I heard nothing. You hear
something? I heard nothing.
No, nothing.
This is some dark shit.
I shouldn't even be here.
What?
Steven! Steven, where you going?!
You come back here!
Yeah, sure, it's odd,
but the main thing is,
the show is a big success.
Yes, it is.
Maybe I should ask Bellender
for a pay rise.
Well, they signed you up
for two seasons,
we agreed the same fee for both.
You want more dollars,
she'll have to change the contract.
Yeah, I can be pretty persuasive
when I try.
Let me have a word with her.
Why are you dressed like a clown?
I'm celebrating. I'm a star now.
You said yourself,
people love my character.
Yes, of course they do, Steven!
It's no secret that Carmen gets paid
a hell of a lot more than I do,
and she's staying in
your fancy mansion.
I'm sorry, the contract
is legally binding,
and there's not a thing
I can do about it.
Bloody irritating.
Come on. Give me a hug.
No, no, I'm not going to fall
for that hug bullshit.
Come on.
Oh, you big bear of a man.
The show is a success.
What more could you want?
Oh. There is another issue
I'd like to talk about.
What issue?
There is a chance
you may be arrested for murder.
What?!
That family who contacted you,
did you turn off their mother's
life-support machine?
No, I bloody did not!
Well, she's dead now, so somebody
did, without a doctor present,
which kind of makes it
a criminal matter.
The family did it, they couldn't
wait to get rid of her.
They say you did it.
No, they asked me to do it.
Poor old girl hadn't even
seen the show.
If you were charged with murder,
it would reflect badly on the show.
Not necessarily.
The LAPD are looking into it.
They say that there is footage
of you fleeing the building.
Yeah, I was trying to
get away from them.
I wouldn't mind, Steven.
But you're Doctor Grainger.
You're supposed to be the good guy.
I am the good guy.
Would you stop looking dubious?
Anyway, you can't fire me,
I'm contracted for a second series.
And as you said yourself,
it's legally binding.
Carmen!
You're three hours late, Steven.
Yeah, but I thought
Since Rodrigos has left,
now I am always on time.
OK, we've waited long enough.
Let's start.
Scene one. Interior hospital. Night.
We see Trace Willoughby alone
in the ward. It is late.
Doctor Grainger enters.
You wanted to see me, Mrs
Willoughby? If it's about
Trace Willoughby stabs
Doctor Grainger with a knife.
He falls in a cowardly manner
to the floor.
He lies there motionless,
like a piece of shit.
He's dead.
Very dead.
What?
Scene two.
Trace is with her attractive
younger lover, Jim Buckstar,
played by Sonny-Sam Disco.
Thank God that dog-faced
limey weasel
is finally out of the
picture, darling.
Here's to us, baby.
I have big plans for making
millions of dollars
by selling the hospital!
I know you do.
It's part of a long-term plan
for world domination.
Can you imagine, the whole
Trace Willoughby phenomenon
bigger than we've ever dreamed of.
I think I'd like an apartment
in Paris