Top Cat (1961) s01e04 Episode Script

This must be the press room.
-Am I in time? -Time for who? Who? The big wheel from Arabiaville.
Big Sheik Ali Khat.
I gotta get some pictures.
-Ali Khat? -Ali Khat is here.
Ali who? The oil king.
The richest man in the world.
That must be his plane there.
Better hurry.
Come in.
Pardon the establishment looking a bit tawdry.
The maid's off today, don't you know? Going to the street carnival this afternoon, Top Cat? No, I'm staying close to the phone in case my broker calls.
The rest of the bunch is going.
They got jobs there.
Jobs? What kind of jobs? Take a look.
Here they come now.
Hey, T.
C.
, look.
We got a job selling peanuts.
Yeah.
We get to keep half what me make.
We'll clean up.
The Brain's advertising for us.
-No.
-Show him, Brain.
Okay.
Here you are.
Peanuts.
Get them here.
Get them hot.
Nickel a bag.
Step right up.
Get your red-hot goobers.
Who's next? All right, hold it.
What are you, some kind of a nut? Yeah, I'm a peanut.
I know you're a peanut.
A peanut-head.
You're wasting your time working when we could be lining up some real swinging deals.
It seemed like a good way to pick up a couple of bucks.
Couple of bucks? Can't you ever learn? We're never gonna make any money if you keep taking jobs.
Get out of that peanut suit and.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Where's Benny? -He's working, too.
He got a horse.
-A horse? That's right.
He's just around the corner.
Come on.
I just don't understand what's wrong with you guys.
Whoa, boy.
Whoa, horse.
You look pretty good through here.
Just what's with you and Rin Tin Tin here? Hi, T.
C.
I take pictures of kids sitting on him.
It's great.
Watch.
He loves to have his picture took.
Look at the birdie.
See what I mean? He's "photo-generic.
" All right.
Come out from under there, Zorro.
That's a good one, T.
C.
Look at the birdie.
Never mind the birdie.
Get rid of the horsy.
Get rid of the horse? Why? Big deals everywhere, ripe just for the taking but no, you're too wrapped up in these nickel and dime operations.
-But this could work out pretty good.
-What good? Everybody likes horses and-- You know who likes horses? I'll tell you who likes horses.
The guy at the feed store.
He'll make the money.
You got to get refills for these.
And shoes.
He wears out four at a time.
You never thought of that, did you? -But-- -Take it from me.
Animals are a nuisance.
Always underfoot.
-Yeah, but-- -They leave hair on everything.
They knock off all vases.
Who needs them? I like animals.
Some of my best friends are animals.
Benny, smarten up and dump old Spark Plug.
I'll whistle for Officer Dibble.
He'll take him off your hands.
No, don't do that.
Whenever he hears bells or whistles, he goes wild.
His father was a fire horse.
Just one toot just one toot, mind you, and he takes off like a jackrabbit.
So get rid of the jackrabbit.
And you guys, take back the nut cart, will you? Okay, T.
C.
Come on, horsy-pal.
But we never even tried the whistle.
Don't pull that! Whoa there, horsy! Hang on to him, Benny! Hang on! Whoa, horse! I told you not to blow that whistle.
Let's face it.
Benny isn't smart enough to let go of that hay burner.
Spook, you take 43rd Street and head them off at the pass.
Right, T.
C.
Fancy, throw up a roadblock at the Holland Tunnel.
That nag might try to sneak through into Jersey! Right, T.
C.
Choo Choo, surround Madison Square Garden.
-Madison Square Garden? -Yeah, there's a rodeo there.
That horse might try to mingle with his relatives.
Got you, T.
C.
Brain, you stay here and help me worry.
If that horse gets through the Holland Tunnel we may never see Benny again.
Worry.
Do you have to worry out loud? They've been gone a long time.
Yeah, you're right.
Okay, get back to your worrying.
Worry.
Hey, T.
C.
The prodigal horse-lover returns.
-Is Officer Dibble around? -Dibble? No.
Why? We're in trouble, that's why.
Lots of trouble.
Come on, horsy.
No, you didn't bring horsy back.
What happened? I headed him off at the tunnel.
But he turned at 34th Street and went through Macy's.
Macy's? Then he cut up 5th Avenue.
When I tried to stop him, he ducked down the subway stairs.
And took the local up to 97th Street.
You should have put him on an express to Canarsie.
And what were you doing all this time, animal's best friend? Yelling, "Whoa ! " And? He finally got the message and whoaed.
That's Dibble's phone.
Dump the horse before Dibble gets here.
Officer Dibble's phone.
He's not here.
Try the coffee shop.
There's a cute waitress there -and he just-- -Give me that phone, you smart aleck.
Not you, Sarge.
No, I was here.
It won't happen again.
Runaway horse? Wrecked Macy's? Dented 10 taxis? Panic in the subway? Right, Sarge.
I'll get right on it.
I'll take care of you later, wise guy.
But first, I got to find the owner of a horse who's in for $1 million in lawsuit.
You all heard.
At last it's happened.
We've finally landed a million-dollar deal.
Only instead of making it, we owe it.
-$1 million? -How can we pay that much? They could take it out of my pay.
$1 a week, it will only take a million weeks.
Good thinking, boy.
Except, you don't have a job.
Oh, well.
In that case, it might take a little longer.
Clever, all of you.
You get a two-bit wagon and horse, and we end up owing $1 million.
What can we do, T.
C.
? This time you're gonna listen to me? -Yes, T.
C.
-Yes, T.
C.
First thing we got to do is get rid of our friend, the four-legged lemon.
All right, where is he, Benny? Search me, T.
C.
You know he likes to get his picture took.
All I've got to do is say, "Watch the birdie.
" And there's our pigeon.
We'll arrange for him to blow the country till things cool down a little.
Come on, let's go.
Let's move, boys.
My good man, you mean, you haven't got those horses aboard yet? No, not yet.
-No what? -No, sir.
That's better, boy.
Get them aboard, all six.
Yes, sir.
Six? But the list says five.
Look at the list.
One shipment, five horses.
One and five are six.
Now hurry it up, and I won't report it to the captain.
It still says just five horses.
Let's go.
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Do you happen to have the time? Yes.
It's 3:00.
-Four.
-Four.
-Five.
-And five.
You're a good man.
You'll be with us another five years.
Thank you, sir.
I try my best, sir.
He was a nice horse.
A real nice horse.
He liked so much to have his picture taken.
And I don't even have one of him.
Now, Benny, it's all done.
It's all over, and we're in the clear.
And it's all for the best, Benny.
He'll have a wonderful time on the ship.
Deck tennis, moonlight nights, dancing.
Oh, no! "Head zoo keeper"? Yes, what is it? New camel for the zoo, all the way from Australia.
Just sign here.
But nobody told me.
Just sign here, sir.
We have other deliveries.
But they don't have camels in Australia.
I know.
This is the last one.
Did you say he's a camel? Very rare type.
See that inverted hump? Australian, down under.
Compact model.
Very rare, indeed, sir.
He looks like a horse.
Two months on a boat, who wouldn't? But a good night's rest will do wonders for him.
All right.
Congratulations.
A wonderful acquisition.
I guess I'll put him in here with our other camel.
Gertrude, we have a boyfriend for you.
Now you two get acquainted.
Yikes! Oh, no! Oh, boy.
"Used cars for sale, cheap.
" Hey, buddy.
You looking for a little low-cost, dependable transportation at the right price? -Why, yes, as a matter of fact.
-Come here.
There you are, sir.
The absolute latest for one lucky owner the new compact horse.
-Horse? Well, l-- -Just check these features.
Genuine leather upholstery.
Streamlined rear fins.
Directional signaler.
Handsome front grille.
And the only compact that will come when you whistle.
I don't know.
I'll have to talk to my wife.
-It's priced to move.
-How much? Let me see.
List price, FOB Kentucky, $2,450 plus extras, plus tax, less discount.
Since it's on a special, it's yours for $5.
00 cash.
Okay, I'll take it.
Smart.
Just sign here and you are the legal owner.
Benny, bring the X-15 over here.
I'll pick him up after lunch.
It's almost 12:00.
It's that late, eh? 12:00? Noon? Quick, Benny! The earmuffs! -Coming, T.
C.
-Hurry! Whoa, horsy! What's that all about? Part of our service, sir.
We test-drive every model.
We went all the way to Broadway.
To Broadway? In 30 seconds? Thirty seconds to Broadway and back.
Be careful, sir.
Don't reach in front of him.
Those teeth.
Lose an arm just like that.
By the way, do you have any children? Yes.
Is he fond of children? He just loves children.
His favorite food.
Friends.
Down, Tiger.
Down, boy! -Tiger? -Lots of spirit, that horse.
You know what they say.
Once a killer, always a killer.
-Killer? -Nothing was ever proven.
About maintenance, he eats three times a day steak, chops, lobster, a nice, light wine, and a good cigar.
That could run into a lot of money.
Maybe I was a little hasty.
But a deal is a deal.
Please don't say you want to tear up that slip and make me legal owner of this killer again.
Say you don't mean that.
Say you don't.
-Yes, but I do.
-Okay, if you insist.
And good-bye.
First honest dealer I ever ran across.
I don't get it.
You knock your brains out to get a buyer.
And then you talk him right out of taking the old nag.
Did you say "nag"? Shame, boy.
Don't ever use that word again when referring to this noble steed who can make a half a mile to Broadway and back in 30 seconds.
What's the difference? The difference is about $1 million, Benny.
We've been blind, gentlemen.
Our fortune stands here before you.
You are looking, my lads, at the horse who is gonna win for us the Derby.
Let me see now.
The sport pages.
The Derby's open only to blooded horses.
What do you think runs through him, noodle soup? But T.
C.
, all horses have to be invited to enter by the Derby committee.
And the entrance fee is $10,000.
Details.
I assure you, mon ami, insignificant details.
How come? Because the American people love visitors from a distant foreign land.
What visitors? Where? Choo Choo, you go get Benny's camera.
Brain, you swipe a few sheets off the clothesline.
Fancy, get me a hat and dark glasses, and everybody back here in 30 minutes.
-That's when we land.
-Land? Where? At the airport, where else? Okay, that'll do it.
Now pay attention.
We put on our costumes, sneak up on this side then we follow the last passenger off on the other side.
Everybody got that? Good.
By that time, Choo Choo will have announced our arrival, okay? -Okay, T.
C.
-Okay, T.
C.
This must be the press room.
-Am I in time? -Time for who? Who? The big wheel from Arabiaville.
Big Sheik Ali Khat.
I gotta get some pictures.
-Ali Khat? -Ali Khat is here.
Ali who? The oil king.
The richest man in the world.
That must be his plane there.
Better hurry.
Boy, a scoop.
Hello, Billy Blabbermouth.
Get this.
Ali Khat is here.
Yeah.
He's just arriving.
I guess they've been expecting me.
Hello, boys.
I'm Senator Flubb.
I'm returning to Washington and wanted to say-- Gangway! Sorry, Senator.
What's-his-name just came in.
-Who's what's-his-name? -Big wheel from Abarabia.
Ali Khat.
He's in oil, you know.
Operator, get me Washington.
Not the general, the White House.
Collect.
They'll accept.
I'm a Democrat.
No one in? Operator, give me the mayor, the police, the firemen's band.
Hurry.
Hello.
Yes, this is the mayor.
Senator Flubb.
Glad to hear.
Did you know What's-his-name was due here from Abarabia? He's here now.
What? No one told me, Senator.
I'm telling you.
Roll out the carpet.
The key to the city, ticker tape, parade and all that jazz.
Well, I'll do what I can, Senator.
Get going.
Don't just sit there.
Go.
Here they come! Hooray! Who is it? That's What's-his-name from Abarabia.
-No fooling.
That's him, huh? -Yep.
Sure looks a lot different in person.
Okay, let's get this.
Smile pretty.
Now, one of the horse.
You mean Arabelle, imprudent one.
Sorry, your highness.
Okay, Arabelle.
Say, "Cheese.
" And as a token of friendship we present you the key to the city.
Very kind, or as we say in our country E pluribus unium and habeas corpius.
-I also would like to say at this time-- -Excuse me, sir.
-There you are.
-Thank you, boy.
-Ali Ben Choo Choo? -Your servant, sire.
Get that man's name and send him his weight in gold.
Gotcha, exalted one.
I would like to state that there is no truth in the rumor that Arabelle had been invited to run in the Derby.
As a gesture of friendship it would have been very nice very nice, indeed, and it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm turning off the oil pipeline next week.
We're just closing it down to dust it.
Pretty soft, huh? We still haven't been invited to enter the race.
Fear not, Abul Ben Benny, kiddo.
That shall come to pass.
I'd like to have an interview with Ali Khat for The Tribune.
Must be a quaint, local custom of the natives.
-Approach and be recognized.
-Yes, your highness.
Is it true you are the richest man in the world? Whoever started that rumor? I suppose there's no use denying that I do maintain quite a ranch in Arabia.
-Is it a large ranch? -I keep about 1,000 cows.
1,000 cows.
That's not so many.
In the freezer.
And if I might be so bold as to ask, sir how long do you expect be in this country? That all depends, my good man.
Let us say that if my famous horse Arabelle had been invited to enter the Derby, it might have been longer.
But now of course, perhaps a small cold war a canceling of reciprocal trade agreements and stuff like that, you know what I mean? Wow! Wait till the Derby Committee hears about this.
Patience, my faithful followers, patience.
Is it possible to have a word with Ali Khat? Approach.
Your wish is granted.
My name is Flitney.
J.
J.
Flitney of the Derby Committee.
Derby Committee? I never wear one.
Doesn't go with my eyes.
No.
The Derby.
Horse race.
-You know.
-Oh, the track.
A race.
Yes.
Look, I'm sorry you weren't invited.
We had no idea you were coming.
None.
I am a bit off schedule.
I had planned to leave last spring.
But with 500 wives to kiss good-bye that can run into time and a half.
Yes, indeed.
Now, this is a very big race.
The prize is $1 million.
And the entry fee is 10,000 wives.
Dollars.
That is a problem.
Traveling, I never carry more than $50 in cash.
No problem, your highness.
I'll get it from Washington out of their foreign aid money.
They'll be delighted.
Fine.
Then my horse Arabelle will appear as a gesture of friendship.
Hands across the sea and all that.
We'll be at the track tomorrow.
Splendid.
-We're in.
-Arabelle can't miss.
$1 million.
Or in Arabian money, two-and-a-half slotkies.
Welcome to the 75th running of the world famous Million Dollar Derby.
Add to your program, a last-minute entry from Abarabia at 2,000 pounds, Arabelle ridden by that great Abarabian jockey, Abul Ben Benny.
-We all know what to do, right? -Right.
Remember, Benny.
You keep that bell going.
You mean the one on the saddle? Whatever happens, he's got to keep hearing that bell.
-Gotcha.
-We gotta get a few bucks on this nag.
-How you fixed for dough? -Not a sou.
Good afternoon, your excellency.
Almost time for the big race.
Yes.
Glad for the chance for my horse to get a little air.
Back home he stays in the house most of the time.
Inside the house? What does he do inside? Most of the time, he's just upstairs in his room playing polo.
Upstairs playing polo.
Yes.
Tell me, have you placed a bet? Bet? I don't seem to place the word.
Well, you take some money.
I forgot you don't carry money.
A pity.
Here.
I'll advance you a few thousand and notify the foreign aid office.
Now, this is the way it works.
The whole bundle on Arabelle.
Number 8 on the nose.
Quaint custom.
Don't think I ever could get used to it.
The horses are at the starting gate.
Any second, they'll be off for the Million Dollar Sweepstakes.
They're in place.
There goes the gun.
They're off! And it's Tea Biscuit out in front, Froufrou in second Barmaid is third place, Cucamonga is fourth and last, by ten lengths, is Arabelle.
I forgot the bell.
Now hear this.
It's Tea Biscuit, Froufrou, Barmaid and coming up fast, Arabelle.
-He is fast.
-He's a ring-a-ding horse, all right.
Good work, Arabelle.
We sure passed them in a hurry.
The bell fell off.
-No! Say it isn't so.
-What happened? Come on! Giddyup! Ding-a-ling! Ding-a-ling-a-ling! It's Tea Biscuit out in front.
Froufrou and Barmaid.
Arabelle is losing ground fast.
Bells.
I got to get some bells.
Excuse me, fellas.
I got an emergency.
A million-dollar emergency.
Ride him, Benny.
Go! At the far turn, it's Lucky Lady by a length.
Froufrou is second.
And Arabelle is beginning to move.
What a race.
Turning into the stretch, it's Froufrou and Cucamonga ! Here comes Arabelle.
Here they come, neck and neck, stride for stride.
Tea Biscuit and Arabelle in front.
Tea Biscuit and Arabelle.
Keep him going, Benny.
Right to the bank.
And coming up to the wire, it's looks like Arabelle.
But it's close.
It's going to be a photo finish.
Very definitely.
A photo finish.
Oh, no! $1 million in her hands and she stops to have her picture taken.
And the winner is Miramar! But a big hand for a gallant effort by Arabelle.
-Any of you guys seen Top Cat? -No, not for days.
-We figured he'd rather be left alone.
-We can't abandon him like this.
We should attempt to cheer him up.
Help him snap out of it.
Yeah.
You're right.
Let's find him.
Come on.
Here's Benny, back in business.
All right, now.
Get your pictures taken on Ali Khat's pony.
Okay, little boy.
We have a special offer for you men, too.
Sheik Ali Khat's own private formula aftershave lotion.
-$1 a bottle.
-What's so special about it? What's so special? Didn't you read the papers? Before Ali Khat had this, he was nobody.
Now he's got 500 dancing girls fighting over him.
-Okay, I'll take two.
-I'll take four.
Sign this, please releasing us from damages, of course, if girls mob you on the street.
Looks like T.
C.
's recovering nicely.