Tracey Ullman's Show (2016) s01e04 Episode Script
Episode 4
1 When I was small I used to dance in my mother's bedroom Then I grew up and did it again And basically I'm still doing the same show I did in my mother's bedroom And I'll do it till the bitter end Cos it's my Tracey Ullman's Show Tracey Ullman's Show Let's do the show, let's go Tracey Ullman's Show Tracey Ullman Tracey Ullman Tracey, Tracey, Tracey, Tracey Tracey Ullman's Show Let's go.
'The controversial leader of the Arab state of Haribi 'was overthrown today during widespread demonstrations.
'Tawoos Al-Amir has ruled the country with an iron fist 'for 30 years, and is now in hiding.
'His unpopular wife Soraya, dubbed "the hairdo of Haribi," 'is thought to have fled the country, 'but opposition forces have failed to trace her whereabouts.
' Ilifat! Ilifat! You must hurry! Good morning, realm of mystery! Good morning, strange new world .
.
oh, good morning, Hounslow! Ilifat, my strong young goat! Oh Stop or I'll shoot, you silly woman! Ilifat, no, no, no, no, no, we are trying to keep a hush-hush secret house here! Now, it is time to put your school uniform on, it is your first day.
Choppety-chop! No! I hate it here and I hate that you have taken me away from Daddy! GUN FIRES Ooh! Ilifat! We need to have talkies.
Right! Now When I first went to drama school, back in 1979, I thought it was going to be all about poncing around in leotards pretending to be trees and dogs and that, you know? But I soon realised that it was about LIFE.
Yeah? So with that in mind, let's dig into our inner truths, let's get the pig out, let's look it in the face and let's kill it, all right? OK, now Bus shelter on a council estate in Southall, and you, what's your name? - Rupert.
- Rupert.
You're a dealer.
And you're a bastard.
- Awesome.
- Right, what's your name? - Siri.
- Siri.
You're so desperate for some skag you've left your baby at home to turn tricks, all right? - Cool.
Up you get.
All right? And shoot! Er This is really, really awkward, but I was wondering if you could sort me out with some heroin? Mate, I literally have no idea what you're talking about.
All right, and scene, and scene, all right, all right, OK.
Sit down a sec.
You see, the problem is, you're all playing it like Eddie bloody Redmayne.
Where is the range? I mean, what do you think of when I say range? Rover? An Aga.
(Oh, Jesus.
) All right, all right.
We're going to try and find it.
You, come up here, and you, come up here.
We're going to dig a bit deeper, all right? Now, you are a man and wife and you're on benefits, and you've just got back from the pub, and you're raging cos you've got no job.
And door slam! Shut up, Pippa.
You've left your skis in the hallway again.
Sit down, sit down, sit down.
You, you come up.
Pippa, you're really frightened, love.
You're terrified, he's been knocking you about for decades.
And Rex, I want you to really give it to her.
Give it to her, all right? Let's go! Now Now, honestly, look Look at the mess in this place.
Pippa, you should really speak to the home help or something It's not fair! I've had a ghastly day too, you know.
The debt collector came round and he threatened to sue my arse off.
OK OK All right, er Out of interest, erm Did any of you go to a state school? No.
All right, any of you brought up outside Hampstead? I grew up in "Keen-ya".
SHE SIGHS Yeah.
Well, let's just do some eight-ball, shall we? Let's do some eight-ball.
You start passing 'em out, I'm going to have a quick cigarette.
I'll be right back, all right? Ili.
Come, sit on Mummy's knee.
Now, Ilifat, there is nothing to fear.
You will make lots of new followers, or friends, as they are known here.
Maybe you can teach them your special song, yes? Lion of the desert King of the seas If you do not love him he will chop off both your knees! Aiee! Now, you must choose an English name, like Cliff, William or Tony Blair.
When we first landed in the airport, I saw a name I liked.
Oh, yes, and what was that? Travelex! Make me sound like rap star.
Perfect! All right, Travelex, it is time to begin your education as an English gent at the magnificent Hounslow Secondary School.
Your bus money.
And, oh, some money for lunch.
Are you the app guy? I'm James, I'm here about the job.
Internship.
Yep, I am the CEO, founder and creativity samurai of Disruptisor.
Go round the lead, mate, go round.
I am looking for somebody to work alongside me, literally, at that table there.
Does it pay? Sorry, my My dad said I should ask if it pays.
That is not the question to ask yourself.
You should ask this of yourself - "Am I hungry?" I'm starving, could I have the falafel wrap? Er No.
Am I hungry to win? "Will I rest until Disruptisor "is bigger than Facebook, bigger than Coca-Cola?" And the answer to that better be "Yes.
" No, I think the answer should probably be no.
Very good.
Sharp! I've written down "sharp.
" OK.
Um Let's play a game, shall we, James? Let's just imagine we are developing three sensational new apps - we've got Pound Shop Price Check, What's That Baby Wearing? And We Buy Any Shoe.
What do you make of those? What are their strengths, what are their weaknesses? - Maybe they don't have any weaknesses, so, er hit me.
- Er Well, I guess, the pound shop one doesn't make any sense, er The baby thing - can't see that working, and shoes it's never going to make any money.
Well Now, OK, well Good meeting you, James.
Take care.
Do you not want to know anything about my college course or anything? - No, we're done.
Kids Hi, Dad.
It's not a company, it's just some bloke on his own.
He's not a perv, he's just a bit sad.
Yeah.
Your son does not have entrepreneurial spirit - I suggest you have a new child and bring him up properly.
Hello, Ethel, hello, Gladys.
Oh, that's a nice cardie.
You off to work, love? Yeah.
No rest for the wicked, Glad.
Should be retired at your age, Dora.
You know, I'd love to give up, but, you know I just can't afford it! I mean, look at Connie over there.
She's got to be 80 if she's a day, and she's still working the checkout at Tesco.
Basic pension just doesn't cut it, so we've got to keep going.
Mm! Hello? Oh, hello, Norman.
No, I'm on me way, yes, I had to wait a long time for a bus.
All right, I'll be there soon, love.
Ooh! I've got a real thirst on today.
Oh! Thank you, love! I'd lose me head if it weren't screwed on.
Now, this is Misty.
She's been with us for five years.
Does anyone know what kind of an owl Misty is? Barn owl.
Oh, I see you've bypassed the whole putting up your hand and waiting thing, but, yeah, well done.
She is a barn owl.
Now, does anybody know who Misty's favourite member of One Direction is? It's Louis.
Isn't it? She's always going on about him when we have sleepovers, aren't you? Now, does anyone want to hold Misty? Well, sadly you can't, because she doesn't want to be with any of you, only me, because our bond is very special.
We're like sisters.
Sisters who might get married one day.
Now It's time to feed Misty a bit of a mouse.
Now, if I gave it to her she'd eat it, but if you gave it to her she wouldn't.
Because there's no trust.
I'll show you.
Put on the glove, and you hold a bit of mouse out to Misty.
Now, she won't eat it because you're not very special.
Hey! Ooh! Well, there's a surprise! Hmm! Maybe I haven't got the right owl here! I'll check the tag.
Yeah, it's the right one.
OK.
It's time to say goodbye to Misty now.
Goodbye! You've got some explaining to do, you cold-hearted bitch! Ah FaceTime, FaceTime Oh! Coo-ee, Tawoos! 'Soraya?' Wow, is that your new accommodations? Tis very shabby chic.
'I am in a pipe.
It smells of shit.
' Darling, don't be a grumbler.
We all have it roughty-toughty.
'I want you to join me as soon as possible.
' But, darling, it looks too small for two! 'Do not worry.
Next week we are moving somewhere much more roomy - 'the main sewage duct.
'It will need a woman's touch.
' I don't know if I am the woman for the job.
'You will do what I say.
Tell me where you are 'and I will send one of my men to come and collect you.
' Uh? Er Bad connection.
- 'Soraya!' - What, what, I'm not hearing you.
- 'I said Soraya!' - Er - Bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep! - 'Soraya!' 'Hello?' It's only me.
- 'Come straight up.
' - Thanks, dear.
Aah! I had a 'mare of a journey getting here what with one thing and another.
It was all change at the Five Ways because some poor bugger had come off his moped, and it wasn't a nice crash, if you know what I mean, Norman.
Oh, but I'm here now, sweetheart.
Now, did you remember to take your little blue pill? If you haven't I'll be here all day.
I did, yes.
Now, are you ready for your lovely watersports? Behold the golden flow! I don't want watersports! - You don't? - No, a sensual massage with a happy ending.
You what? Yes! Honestly, when you get to my age Norman do you mind if I pop to your bathroom first? Ooh! Next, please? I'm so nervous.
- Me too! - Me too.
To be in a prime-time BBC drama would be amazing.
What part are you going for? Victim.
- Victim.
- Victim.
I get murdered.
Oh, I get raped then murdered.
I get murdered then raped.
Brilliant.
Do you get any lines? - Er, no.
- No, nor do I.
- Oh, I get loads of lines.
- Really? I get an "Aah," and then I've got an "Aargh," and then another "Aargh," and at the end I get to say, "Uuuurgh.
" Wow! You're so lucky! Do you know what I'm nervous about? The whole being naked thing.
- I get killed in the bath, so I'm naked.
- Mmm.
- I'm in bed, naked.
- Mmm.
I get killed walking down the road, but I'm still naked.
Not sure why.
- Could happen.
- Why not? Do you think my character would bleed a lot? - Mmm, yeah, I do.
- Yeah, me too.
I don't want to bleed too much, because then later on I get to decompose.
You're the best decomposer.
Thanks, yeah.
Yes, I think the director saw me decomposing in Silent Witness and that's why he's called me in.
Aah.
Have you decided on your dead face? Mmm.
I thought this.
Oh, yeah, that is good, yeah.
I was thinking of something more along the lines of, um Hate to break this to you girls, I'm going to need several dead faces.
- Oh.
- What do you mean? I get killed five times.
No way, you're so lucky! I know - the detective can't figure out how it happened and he has all these different theories, and they do flashbacks of each one.
Obviously I'm naked every time.
I'm so jealous.
Me too! Well, I've been doing this a lot longer than you, you know, and if you work really hard, one day, you know, you'll get to be killed five times, you'll get to bleed profusely, and if you're really lucky, you might get to decompose.
Oh! - I love acting.
- Ohh! I know! Mein Gott! These fuck me shoes are killing me! Ohh! You are finished? This is the perfect timing, I've just got back.
I have not finished.
I've been in the room for eight hours trying to explain basic mathematics to Greece.
Oh, the Dummkopfe! Oh! Where have you been? - I have been to the Doctor Who Experience.
- Ja? Ja! Look! - This is me mit a Dalek.
- Oh! - And this is me mit the TARDIS.
- Mmm! - And this is me mit Davros.
- Ooh, he looks a little like Putin, nein? Ja! And he acts a little like Putin, too.
- I have a gift for you.
- Oh, not another fridge magnet.
Ja, you are collecting them, nein? I am collecting them because you are always giving them to me.
- Here, let me retouch the make-up.
- Ja.
It is all wiped away from all this relentless kissing of the Europeans, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah What is the matter with them? They cannot keep away from me.
It is always the same.
But the hair is not too poofy.
And the make-up is just a nice warm flesh colour.
It is not the hair, it is not the make-up, it is the pheromones.
I am a strong, sexy woman, and they are weak, weak men.
Then cannot look at you and listen to what you are saying at the same time.
I think that you are right.
How much longer will you be? Oh, I will be hours and hours of talking, talking, talking I think I will do the tour of Cardiff City Stadium, and maybe go to Burger King.
Oh, mein Gott! I wish that I could join you! - I will buy you a fridge magnet.
- Oh, no, don't get me a fridge magnet.
- But you love them! - I don't love them! Oh, Angela, I know you love them, don't tell me you don't love them.
We're the same age, you and I.
You're probably going to live another hundred years, and you'll be at this zoo when I'm long gone.
Now, I'm all right now, but we have to think of the future.
So I've made you a book of memories.
That's pictures of me growing up, and that's me now.
It's lots and lots of pictures of me.
All right? You don't have to look at it now in your own time! Oh, don't get emotional cos you're going to set me off! 'Dictator of Haribi Tawoos Al-Amir is still at large, 'the Foreign Office said today, but there have been reports 'of his wife Soraya being spotted in Bahrain, Monaco and Hounslow.
' It is the Hairdo of Haribi! Her husband crucified my uncle! He boiled my boss in oil.
He fed my dogs to larger dogs.
Stop that woman! Want to try a new cheese? Mmm, delicious.
I will be back later to purchase some.
Free cheese, ladies? She's given us the slip.
I cannot believe we let her get away.
Her husband was a demon.
And that monster is also on the loose, her fat little son.
He's not fat, he's just big-boned! Or so they say.
Oh, let's keep looking! Keep looking! Right, I'm Dame Maggie Smith, and I'm recording this to demonstrate my acting range.
If I have to play another posh old lady, I'll be sick into the nearest Clarice Cliff tureen.
So now I am, as they say, all about this gritty social realism.
It's the miners' strike, and I'm a ballet dancer in a brass band who's also gay.
Ooh, I've been biffed by a copper, how frightful! There you are, that should get five stars in the Guardian.
If I'm playing a junkie, I'll go method, I'll boil up some skag in a teaspoon, as long as I'm supervised with the open flame.
I don't want one of my scarves to go up, darling.
And I can play young.
I'm a 15-year-old in a gang and this is my yard, is this your ends or are you from different ends? Oh, the latter? Well, I'm dreadfully sorry, but I'm going to have to shank you, fam.
So there you are.
I'll play streetwalkers, pimps and gangmasters, but I wish to be finished by four, and I don't work weekends.
I I count Friday and Monday as part of the weekend, obviously.
Wednesday is tea with my cousin Mary, Thursday's the chiropodist, and Tuesdays I like to visit churches, but apart from that I'm all yours.
So let's make some depressing cinema.
All right, I'm turning it off now.
Well, it's not going off! Well, the butt Have they called from Downton? Oh, tell 'em I can't put another fucking corset on, I'll lose my mind! 'Hello?' Only me! 'Who is it?' - It's Dora.
- 'I can't go again today, Dora.
' - What? - 'I've seen you earlier.
' - Did you? - 'Yes!' - Oh I've got all mixed up again.
DOORBELL RINGS Ooh! Ohh I don't suppose I could use your bathroom, could I, Norman? Hello.
I'm Margaret McDonald.
I'm the Wimbledon lineswoman Jimmy Connors proposed to during the fourth round in 1987.
How different my life would have been if I'd said yes.
Today - how to handle something Jimmy did a lot when I was around.
That's right - grunting.
Some people say it's cheating - well, I say this - you're damn right! It distracts other players, annoys spectators, and leads to the unfair sacking of possibly one of the finest line judges in the modern game.
Now, there's no quick fix - you just have to desensitise yourself, and I've prepared a grunt playlist so you can get used to the noises, and in no time you'll find that you are not antagonised by them at all, and could be reinstated at any time.
At any time.
Here's the men's playlist.
Edmund? And now, the women's.
It's simply a matter of focus.
- Hello again! - Hello! - Hi! - Are you here for the sitcom audition? - Yeah.
- Oh! - To be in a prime-time sitcom would be so amazing.
- Oh, I know! - What part are you going up for? - The nagging wife.
- Nagging mum.
- Slag.
- Oh, that is funny.
Cos you're old but you still like sex.
Yeah, and it's all I can talk about, how I haven't got a man and how I want a man! - THEY LAUGH - It's funny! - Brilliant.
- Brilliant! Oh - Do you get any jokes? - No.
No, no jokes.
- Best to leave that to the men.
- Exactly.
I get a joke.
- Really? - Oh, really? - What do you say? Oh, no, no, I don't say anything, but my dressing gown accidentally falls off and I'm in my underwear, and that's hilarious because I'm fat.
Oh! Oh, I love acting.
- Mmm.
- Me too.
Hello, Shanice, it's Nana.
Happy birthday, my lovely! Oh, are you having a terrific day? Are you? What did your mum and dad get you? SHE GASPS That's nice! Now, have you thought about what you want for your birthday tea? Well, I was thinking about a nice little bit of gammon with an egg on it, yes Well, I'm just out and about, actually.
Getting some bits and bobs.
What? Yes, I am using my mobile, I'm not decrepit! All right, well, you call me in an hour.
Our Shanice.
13 going on 30! Can I help you, madam? Do you know, I can't for the life of me remember why I've come in here.
Never get old.
Love eggs.
Ili, I know that life is tough.
You do not have any more your helicopter or your own theme park - Or my lion.
- .
.
or your lion.
But Mummy will try to make the best life for us here.
An honest life, yes? It is not easy for Mummykins either, darling.
I am lonely, I have no protection, no husband.
I miss the weight of a man upon me, his hot breath on my neck, his medals banging me in the face Shut up, shut up! Mummy, people at school today - they said I was fat.
Oh, those children! It was the teacher! She made me see school counsellor.
She gave me diet plan.
This is all I can eat every day.
No, Ili, this is all you can eat every week.
No! Oh, Ili, in this country, fat equals evil.
You can be gay man, man turned lady-man, lady turned man-man, but no man can be fat man.
Mummy, give me sheet.
Now, you know that Mummy said that she would get you a special present for your first day of school for being brave boy? - Yes! - Yes.
Well, I could not bring lion, but I brought you this instead.
Hmm Mummy, I love him! Oh, sweet dreams, Prince of Hounslow.
As Daddy would say, good night, sleep tight And don't let the demonstrators bite! How was the rest of your day? - Oh, long.
- Oh, dear.
I get you a drink.
Ja, I'm afraid I lost my temper, Birgit.
- Mit Greece? - Ja.
- What did you say? I said, "Once funny, twice silly, three times a smack, Greece.
" - Oh, Angela.
- I know, but it is so stressful! You know, sometimes I just want to give it all up and kick back and become a mathematician.
You need to relax.
Look! You are trying to get me drunk? Perhaps.
Why not? It's the weekend! Do you remember the last time we were drunk? Aah, of course.
How could I forget? - 1982, Germany's finest hour.
- Good times.
We achieved the highest national honour.
The Eurovision Song Contest.
Do you still remember the words? They are engraved on my heart! - Then sing! - Nein! Ja! Ah! Nein! Just like a flower when winter begins Just like a candle blown out in the wind Just like a bird that can no longer fly I'm feeling that way sometimes She was such a young, innocent girl.
We were all innocent back then.
But then as I'm falling weighed down by the load I picture a light at the end of the road And closing my eyes I can see through the dark The dream that is in my heart A little loving A little giving To build a dream for the world we live in A little patience and understanding For our tomorrow A little peace You should sing this to those stupid European leaders.
Ja, you're right, I should.
A little sunshine A sea of gladness To wash away all the tears of sadness A little hoping A little praying For our tomorrow A little peace Oh! I'm sorry.
I try not to cry but I always cry! La-la-la La-la-la-la Demis Roussos! La-la-la La-la-la-la.
'The controversial leader of the Arab state of Haribi 'was overthrown today during widespread demonstrations.
'Tawoos Al-Amir has ruled the country with an iron fist 'for 30 years, and is now in hiding.
'His unpopular wife Soraya, dubbed "the hairdo of Haribi," 'is thought to have fled the country, 'but opposition forces have failed to trace her whereabouts.
' Ilifat! Ilifat! You must hurry! Good morning, realm of mystery! Good morning, strange new world .
.
oh, good morning, Hounslow! Ilifat, my strong young goat! Oh Stop or I'll shoot, you silly woman! Ilifat, no, no, no, no, no, we are trying to keep a hush-hush secret house here! Now, it is time to put your school uniform on, it is your first day.
Choppety-chop! No! I hate it here and I hate that you have taken me away from Daddy! GUN FIRES Ooh! Ilifat! We need to have talkies.
Right! Now When I first went to drama school, back in 1979, I thought it was going to be all about poncing around in leotards pretending to be trees and dogs and that, you know? But I soon realised that it was about LIFE.
Yeah? So with that in mind, let's dig into our inner truths, let's get the pig out, let's look it in the face and let's kill it, all right? OK, now Bus shelter on a council estate in Southall, and you, what's your name? - Rupert.
- Rupert.
You're a dealer.
And you're a bastard.
- Awesome.
- Right, what's your name? - Siri.
- Siri.
You're so desperate for some skag you've left your baby at home to turn tricks, all right? - Cool.
Up you get.
All right? And shoot! Er This is really, really awkward, but I was wondering if you could sort me out with some heroin? Mate, I literally have no idea what you're talking about.
All right, and scene, and scene, all right, all right, OK.
Sit down a sec.
You see, the problem is, you're all playing it like Eddie bloody Redmayne.
Where is the range? I mean, what do you think of when I say range? Rover? An Aga.
(Oh, Jesus.
) All right, all right.
We're going to try and find it.
You, come up here, and you, come up here.
We're going to dig a bit deeper, all right? Now, you are a man and wife and you're on benefits, and you've just got back from the pub, and you're raging cos you've got no job.
And door slam! Shut up, Pippa.
You've left your skis in the hallway again.
Sit down, sit down, sit down.
You, you come up.
Pippa, you're really frightened, love.
You're terrified, he's been knocking you about for decades.
And Rex, I want you to really give it to her.
Give it to her, all right? Let's go! Now Now, honestly, look Look at the mess in this place.
Pippa, you should really speak to the home help or something It's not fair! I've had a ghastly day too, you know.
The debt collector came round and he threatened to sue my arse off.
OK OK All right, er Out of interest, erm Did any of you go to a state school? No.
All right, any of you brought up outside Hampstead? I grew up in "Keen-ya".
SHE SIGHS Yeah.
Well, let's just do some eight-ball, shall we? Let's do some eight-ball.
You start passing 'em out, I'm going to have a quick cigarette.
I'll be right back, all right? Ili.
Come, sit on Mummy's knee.
Now, Ilifat, there is nothing to fear.
You will make lots of new followers, or friends, as they are known here.
Maybe you can teach them your special song, yes? Lion of the desert King of the seas If you do not love him he will chop off both your knees! Aiee! Now, you must choose an English name, like Cliff, William or Tony Blair.
When we first landed in the airport, I saw a name I liked.
Oh, yes, and what was that? Travelex! Make me sound like rap star.
Perfect! All right, Travelex, it is time to begin your education as an English gent at the magnificent Hounslow Secondary School.
Your bus money.
And, oh, some money for lunch.
Are you the app guy? I'm James, I'm here about the job.
Internship.
Yep, I am the CEO, founder and creativity samurai of Disruptisor.
Go round the lead, mate, go round.
I am looking for somebody to work alongside me, literally, at that table there.
Does it pay? Sorry, my My dad said I should ask if it pays.
That is not the question to ask yourself.
You should ask this of yourself - "Am I hungry?" I'm starving, could I have the falafel wrap? Er No.
Am I hungry to win? "Will I rest until Disruptisor "is bigger than Facebook, bigger than Coca-Cola?" And the answer to that better be "Yes.
" No, I think the answer should probably be no.
Very good.
Sharp! I've written down "sharp.
" OK.
Um Let's play a game, shall we, James? Let's just imagine we are developing three sensational new apps - we've got Pound Shop Price Check, What's That Baby Wearing? And We Buy Any Shoe.
What do you make of those? What are their strengths, what are their weaknesses? - Maybe they don't have any weaknesses, so, er hit me.
- Er Well, I guess, the pound shop one doesn't make any sense, er The baby thing - can't see that working, and shoes it's never going to make any money.
Well Now, OK, well Good meeting you, James.
Take care.
Do you not want to know anything about my college course or anything? - No, we're done.
Kids Hi, Dad.
It's not a company, it's just some bloke on his own.
He's not a perv, he's just a bit sad.
Yeah.
Your son does not have entrepreneurial spirit - I suggest you have a new child and bring him up properly.
Hello, Ethel, hello, Gladys.
Oh, that's a nice cardie.
You off to work, love? Yeah.
No rest for the wicked, Glad.
Should be retired at your age, Dora.
You know, I'd love to give up, but, you know I just can't afford it! I mean, look at Connie over there.
She's got to be 80 if she's a day, and she's still working the checkout at Tesco.
Basic pension just doesn't cut it, so we've got to keep going.
Mm! Hello? Oh, hello, Norman.
No, I'm on me way, yes, I had to wait a long time for a bus.
All right, I'll be there soon, love.
Ooh! I've got a real thirst on today.
Oh! Thank you, love! I'd lose me head if it weren't screwed on.
Now, this is Misty.
She's been with us for five years.
Does anyone know what kind of an owl Misty is? Barn owl.
Oh, I see you've bypassed the whole putting up your hand and waiting thing, but, yeah, well done.
She is a barn owl.
Now, does anybody know who Misty's favourite member of One Direction is? It's Louis.
Isn't it? She's always going on about him when we have sleepovers, aren't you? Now, does anyone want to hold Misty? Well, sadly you can't, because she doesn't want to be with any of you, only me, because our bond is very special.
We're like sisters.
Sisters who might get married one day.
Now It's time to feed Misty a bit of a mouse.
Now, if I gave it to her she'd eat it, but if you gave it to her she wouldn't.
Because there's no trust.
I'll show you.
Put on the glove, and you hold a bit of mouse out to Misty.
Now, she won't eat it because you're not very special.
Hey! Ooh! Well, there's a surprise! Hmm! Maybe I haven't got the right owl here! I'll check the tag.
Yeah, it's the right one.
OK.
It's time to say goodbye to Misty now.
Goodbye! You've got some explaining to do, you cold-hearted bitch! Ah FaceTime, FaceTime Oh! Coo-ee, Tawoos! 'Soraya?' Wow, is that your new accommodations? Tis very shabby chic.
'I am in a pipe.
It smells of shit.
' Darling, don't be a grumbler.
We all have it roughty-toughty.
'I want you to join me as soon as possible.
' But, darling, it looks too small for two! 'Do not worry.
Next week we are moving somewhere much more roomy - 'the main sewage duct.
'It will need a woman's touch.
' I don't know if I am the woman for the job.
'You will do what I say.
Tell me where you are 'and I will send one of my men to come and collect you.
' Uh? Er Bad connection.
- 'Soraya!' - What, what, I'm not hearing you.
- 'I said Soraya!' - Er - Bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep! - 'Soraya!' 'Hello?' It's only me.
- 'Come straight up.
' - Thanks, dear.
Aah! I had a 'mare of a journey getting here what with one thing and another.
It was all change at the Five Ways because some poor bugger had come off his moped, and it wasn't a nice crash, if you know what I mean, Norman.
Oh, but I'm here now, sweetheart.
Now, did you remember to take your little blue pill? If you haven't I'll be here all day.
I did, yes.
Now, are you ready for your lovely watersports? Behold the golden flow! I don't want watersports! - You don't? - No, a sensual massage with a happy ending.
You what? Yes! Honestly, when you get to my age Norman do you mind if I pop to your bathroom first? Ooh! Next, please? I'm so nervous.
- Me too! - Me too.
To be in a prime-time BBC drama would be amazing.
What part are you going for? Victim.
- Victim.
- Victim.
I get murdered.
Oh, I get raped then murdered.
I get murdered then raped.
Brilliant.
Do you get any lines? - Er, no.
- No, nor do I.
- Oh, I get loads of lines.
- Really? I get an "Aah," and then I've got an "Aargh," and then another "Aargh," and at the end I get to say, "Uuuurgh.
" Wow! You're so lucky! Do you know what I'm nervous about? The whole being naked thing.
- I get killed in the bath, so I'm naked.
- Mmm.
- I'm in bed, naked.
- Mmm.
I get killed walking down the road, but I'm still naked.
Not sure why.
- Could happen.
- Why not? Do you think my character would bleed a lot? - Mmm, yeah, I do.
- Yeah, me too.
I don't want to bleed too much, because then later on I get to decompose.
You're the best decomposer.
Thanks, yeah.
Yes, I think the director saw me decomposing in Silent Witness and that's why he's called me in.
Aah.
Have you decided on your dead face? Mmm.
I thought this.
Oh, yeah, that is good, yeah.
I was thinking of something more along the lines of, um Hate to break this to you girls, I'm going to need several dead faces.
- Oh.
- What do you mean? I get killed five times.
No way, you're so lucky! I know - the detective can't figure out how it happened and he has all these different theories, and they do flashbacks of each one.
Obviously I'm naked every time.
I'm so jealous.
Me too! Well, I've been doing this a lot longer than you, you know, and if you work really hard, one day, you know, you'll get to be killed five times, you'll get to bleed profusely, and if you're really lucky, you might get to decompose.
Oh! - I love acting.
- Ohh! I know! Mein Gott! These fuck me shoes are killing me! Ohh! You are finished? This is the perfect timing, I've just got back.
I have not finished.
I've been in the room for eight hours trying to explain basic mathematics to Greece.
Oh, the Dummkopfe! Oh! Where have you been? - I have been to the Doctor Who Experience.
- Ja? Ja! Look! - This is me mit a Dalek.
- Oh! - And this is me mit the TARDIS.
- Mmm! - And this is me mit Davros.
- Ooh, he looks a little like Putin, nein? Ja! And he acts a little like Putin, too.
- I have a gift for you.
- Oh, not another fridge magnet.
Ja, you are collecting them, nein? I am collecting them because you are always giving them to me.
- Here, let me retouch the make-up.
- Ja.
It is all wiped away from all this relentless kissing of the Europeans, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah What is the matter with them? They cannot keep away from me.
It is always the same.
But the hair is not too poofy.
And the make-up is just a nice warm flesh colour.
It is not the hair, it is not the make-up, it is the pheromones.
I am a strong, sexy woman, and they are weak, weak men.
Then cannot look at you and listen to what you are saying at the same time.
I think that you are right.
How much longer will you be? Oh, I will be hours and hours of talking, talking, talking I think I will do the tour of Cardiff City Stadium, and maybe go to Burger King.
Oh, mein Gott! I wish that I could join you! - I will buy you a fridge magnet.
- Oh, no, don't get me a fridge magnet.
- But you love them! - I don't love them! Oh, Angela, I know you love them, don't tell me you don't love them.
We're the same age, you and I.
You're probably going to live another hundred years, and you'll be at this zoo when I'm long gone.
Now, I'm all right now, but we have to think of the future.
So I've made you a book of memories.
That's pictures of me growing up, and that's me now.
It's lots and lots of pictures of me.
All right? You don't have to look at it now in your own time! Oh, don't get emotional cos you're going to set me off! 'Dictator of Haribi Tawoos Al-Amir is still at large, 'the Foreign Office said today, but there have been reports 'of his wife Soraya being spotted in Bahrain, Monaco and Hounslow.
' It is the Hairdo of Haribi! Her husband crucified my uncle! He boiled my boss in oil.
He fed my dogs to larger dogs.
Stop that woman! Want to try a new cheese? Mmm, delicious.
I will be back later to purchase some.
Free cheese, ladies? She's given us the slip.
I cannot believe we let her get away.
Her husband was a demon.
And that monster is also on the loose, her fat little son.
He's not fat, he's just big-boned! Or so they say.
Oh, let's keep looking! Keep looking! Right, I'm Dame Maggie Smith, and I'm recording this to demonstrate my acting range.
If I have to play another posh old lady, I'll be sick into the nearest Clarice Cliff tureen.
So now I am, as they say, all about this gritty social realism.
It's the miners' strike, and I'm a ballet dancer in a brass band who's also gay.
Ooh, I've been biffed by a copper, how frightful! There you are, that should get five stars in the Guardian.
If I'm playing a junkie, I'll go method, I'll boil up some skag in a teaspoon, as long as I'm supervised with the open flame.
I don't want one of my scarves to go up, darling.
And I can play young.
I'm a 15-year-old in a gang and this is my yard, is this your ends or are you from different ends? Oh, the latter? Well, I'm dreadfully sorry, but I'm going to have to shank you, fam.
So there you are.
I'll play streetwalkers, pimps and gangmasters, but I wish to be finished by four, and I don't work weekends.
I I count Friday and Monday as part of the weekend, obviously.
Wednesday is tea with my cousin Mary, Thursday's the chiropodist, and Tuesdays I like to visit churches, but apart from that I'm all yours.
So let's make some depressing cinema.
All right, I'm turning it off now.
Well, it's not going off! Well, the butt Have they called from Downton? Oh, tell 'em I can't put another fucking corset on, I'll lose my mind! 'Hello?' Only me! 'Who is it?' - It's Dora.
- 'I can't go again today, Dora.
' - What? - 'I've seen you earlier.
' - Did you? - 'Yes!' - Oh I've got all mixed up again.
DOORBELL RINGS Ooh! Ohh I don't suppose I could use your bathroom, could I, Norman? Hello.
I'm Margaret McDonald.
I'm the Wimbledon lineswoman Jimmy Connors proposed to during the fourth round in 1987.
How different my life would have been if I'd said yes.
Today - how to handle something Jimmy did a lot when I was around.
That's right - grunting.
Some people say it's cheating - well, I say this - you're damn right! It distracts other players, annoys spectators, and leads to the unfair sacking of possibly one of the finest line judges in the modern game.
Now, there's no quick fix - you just have to desensitise yourself, and I've prepared a grunt playlist so you can get used to the noises, and in no time you'll find that you are not antagonised by them at all, and could be reinstated at any time.
At any time.
Here's the men's playlist.
Edmund? And now, the women's.
It's simply a matter of focus.
- Hello again! - Hello! - Hi! - Are you here for the sitcom audition? - Yeah.
- Oh! - To be in a prime-time sitcom would be so amazing.
- Oh, I know! - What part are you going up for? - The nagging wife.
- Nagging mum.
- Slag.
- Oh, that is funny.
Cos you're old but you still like sex.
Yeah, and it's all I can talk about, how I haven't got a man and how I want a man! - THEY LAUGH - It's funny! - Brilliant.
- Brilliant! Oh - Do you get any jokes? - No.
No, no jokes.
- Best to leave that to the men.
- Exactly.
I get a joke.
- Really? - Oh, really? - What do you say? Oh, no, no, I don't say anything, but my dressing gown accidentally falls off and I'm in my underwear, and that's hilarious because I'm fat.
Oh! Oh, I love acting.
- Mmm.
- Me too.
Hello, Shanice, it's Nana.
Happy birthday, my lovely! Oh, are you having a terrific day? Are you? What did your mum and dad get you? SHE GASPS That's nice! Now, have you thought about what you want for your birthday tea? Well, I was thinking about a nice little bit of gammon with an egg on it, yes Well, I'm just out and about, actually.
Getting some bits and bobs.
What? Yes, I am using my mobile, I'm not decrepit! All right, well, you call me in an hour.
Our Shanice.
13 going on 30! Can I help you, madam? Do you know, I can't for the life of me remember why I've come in here.
Never get old.
Love eggs.
Ili, I know that life is tough.
You do not have any more your helicopter or your own theme park - Or my lion.
- .
.
or your lion.
But Mummy will try to make the best life for us here.
An honest life, yes? It is not easy for Mummykins either, darling.
I am lonely, I have no protection, no husband.
I miss the weight of a man upon me, his hot breath on my neck, his medals banging me in the face Shut up, shut up! Mummy, people at school today - they said I was fat.
Oh, those children! It was the teacher! She made me see school counsellor.
She gave me diet plan.
This is all I can eat every day.
No, Ili, this is all you can eat every week.
No! Oh, Ili, in this country, fat equals evil.
You can be gay man, man turned lady-man, lady turned man-man, but no man can be fat man.
Mummy, give me sheet.
Now, you know that Mummy said that she would get you a special present for your first day of school for being brave boy? - Yes! - Yes.
Well, I could not bring lion, but I brought you this instead.
Hmm Mummy, I love him! Oh, sweet dreams, Prince of Hounslow.
As Daddy would say, good night, sleep tight And don't let the demonstrators bite! How was the rest of your day? - Oh, long.
- Oh, dear.
I get you a drink.
Ja, I'm afraid I lost my temper, Birgit.
- Mit Greece? - Ja.
- What did you say? I said, "Once funny, twice silly, three times a smack, Greece.
" - Oh, Angela.
- I know, but it is so stressful! You know, sometimes I just want to give it all up and kick back and become a mathematician.
You need to relax.
Look! You are trying to get me drunk? Perhaps.
Why not? It's the weekend! Do you remember the last time we were drunk? Aah, of course.
How could I forget? - 1982, Germany's finest hour.
- Good times.
We achieved the highest national honour.
The Eurovision Song Contest.
Do you still remember the words? They are engraved on my heart! - Then sing! - Nein! Ja! Ah! Nein! Just like a flower when winter begins Just like a candle blown out in the wind Just like a bird that can no longer fly I'm feeling that way sometimes She was such a young, innocent girl.
We were all innocent back then.
But then as I'm falling weighed down by the load I picture a light at the end of the road And closing my eyes I can see through the dark The dream that is in my heart A little loving A little giving To build a dream for the world we live in A little patience and understanding For our tomorrow A little peace You should sing this to those stupid European leaders.
Ja, you're right, I should.
A little sunshine A sea of gladness To wash away all the tears of sadness A little hoping A little praying For our tomorrow A little peace Oh! I'm sorry.
I try not to cry but I always cry! La-la-la La-la-la-la Demis Roussos! La-la-la La-la-la-la.