Traffic Light (2011) s01e04 Episode Script

Guess who just gave blood because I'm better than you.
- Was it you, Kevin? - Yes, sasquatch, it was.
There are a lot of sides to kev you don't know anything about.
- Did you know that I have baby veins? - What? Yeah.
So they couldn't take it out of my arm.
They actually took it out of right here.
They had to.
It's so embarrassing.
Yeah, you got some snug trousers Thank you.
Thanks a lot.
It's quite a sacrifice.
Yeah, it was a sacrifice, which is why I stole a whole sleeve of cookies.
In your face, red cross! Those are yours.
Now I did you a favor, you can do me a favor.
- A cookie is not a favor.
- Sure, it is.
Listen, the word has come down from up top that we have to class up the magazine.
They said go down there, squeeze the dweeb, see what sort of highbrow stuff shoots out.
- So I'm squeezing the dweeb.
- No, don't actually - All right, all right! - What do you got?! I got an idea.
I got an idea.
There's a book festival.
Jonathan Franzen is coming down there He's a Right.
Um I heard about this thing on npr God, I hate it when you do that.
There's a, um Okay, here's an idea.
Prince Harry he's in town.
Check it Wait a second, did you get me an interview? No.
Get yourself the interview.
You do it, you get to keep the cookie.
Which is a metaphor for your job.
Metaphor's like a simile without the word "like.
" I went to ninth grade.
Hey, baby.
Babe? Mike? Mike? Aw! Good morning, sleepyhead.
You up? I guess.
Did you just get back from your run? Five Miles with the jogging stroller.
Personal record.
Why are we whispering? Is that 'cause Tommy's down for a nap? Because Tommy's down for a nap.
Do you have time to do your wife a little favor? Oh, I will make the time.
I have to be at work early all next week.
Can you take the morning shift for a couple days? You mean the one where I have to wake him at 5:00 a.
m.
? That shift? I know that it sucks, but If you do me a favor I will do you a favor.
Oh, so sex with me is a favor now, huh? Oh, I was trying to sound fun and flirty.
It's very hard to convey nuance in whisper.
Yeah, like sarcasm in an e-mail.
Yes, like sarcasm in an e-mail.
What happened to your boobs? Oh, it's a sports bra; They'll bounce back up in a minute.
I don't know how I'm gonna survive, man.
The the kid wakes up at, like, 5:00 a.
m.
Oh, what the hell? I know.
I mean, who gets up that early? No, no, I just got buried under several hundred dollars' worth of, uh, unpaid parking tickets here.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, since when do you dodge parking tickets? No, I don't, I don't.
I they're not mine, they're not mine.
My car's in the shop; I'm driving Callie's.
It's, like, you would have to try to get this many parking tickets.
It's, like, a contest.
Look, anyway, guys, look, the bummer is, is that the night shift is actually the easy shift.
Lisa just doesn't know it.
Tommy is, like, the world's greatest sleeper.
Never ceases to amaze me.
Amazing.
Really, I don't know where he gets it.
- You have no idea where he gets it? - No.
- Mike.
- Mike.
- Mike.
- Mr.
Reilly.
Mike! That's amazing.
I'm gonna get the magic markers.
How about we mix it up and put his hand in some warm water.
I like that.
That was really funny that time, guys.
I have to break up with esma.
Hm? That's the, uh, cardio boxing instructor? Yep.
She's very fit and, as it turns out, slightly crazy.
What are you thoughts on that lamp? I've never loved it.
You should get rid of it.
You're right.
Maybe this weekend we'll Or we could do it now.
Oh, yeah, well, we knew she was a total nut job.
So why didn't you guys say anything? Are you kidding me? We told you repeatedly.
You know, I don't want to be a broken record here, but there is something off about that girl.
You guys talking about esma again? Yeah, you totally got to break up with her.
Did I spill beer in my lap? Doesn't matter.
'Cause I have an exit strategy.
Get this.
I'm allergic to her cat.
Yeah, but you're not allergic.
Right, but I've been faking sneezes for a week and a half.
- All the groundwork's been laid.
- Oh No, no, this is really genius, this cat allergy thing.
Yeah, this is like.
A new take on the whole "it's not you, it's me.
" It's not you, it's your cat.
I I don't understand.
I really thought that you could've been the one.
You're making this so hard.
Oh I'm gonna have to wrap this up.
My nose is running like a faucet.
- Hey.
- Hey, sweetie.
So, um, I discovered these in your car.
They're not like baseball cards, sweetie You don't want to collect all of them.
Oh, you're fun! - You're just gonna - Mm-hmm.
Sort of missing my point.
I like to do this crazy thing where I pay them.
You know, I mail them in.
And then So that's an overdue library book, also.
Okay, listen, I need to tell you something.
Okay, what is it? It it's not a big deal or anything like that, and I should've told you already but it's just, it's hard, and Can we do this in a happy place? You are $40,000 in debt? - I have to pay for my education! - Okay.
Okay, you got $40,000 in student loans.
Yeah, there's a student loan in there.
Also a couple of what I like to call "life loans.
" Life loans? Oh, calm down.
Come on.
Shh Let the lavender do its work.
Ah Feels good, huh? I can't do this here.
Look, it's not like I was out there buying shoes or anything.
Okay, there are some shoes.
But I spent my money on experiential knowledge.
I lived in India for six months.
I went to Greece with my college Professor.
- Who was your boyfriend.
- See? I will never do that again.
Lesson learned.
This is not working.
Mm.
You're right, honey, - this is much better.
- Aw.
Sweetie, think of it this way.
All those things that you view as financially irresponsible are what made me who I am today, who you love.
Well yes, I do love who you've become.
- See? Money well spent.
- Okay.
I'll give you that.
So, in a weird way, it's kind of like you owe me $40,000.
That's really awkward.
Don't worry, I'll take it out in trade.
Hi.
This is for you.
Remember, lift with your knees, okay? I know.
Daddy's gonna be right there, pumpkin.
Oh, hey, you're white house, green door, right? Amy.
We're the house doing the remodel.
Oh, Mike.
I put a broken toilet in your dumpster the other day.
- Hope that's okay.
- Oh, totally.
Hey, you're married to that jogging lady who never stops, right? Oh, uh, yeah Lisa.
She's very focused, very task-oriented.
But in a fun way.
- Well, she's missing out.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
- On what? Well, we have this little mommy group going on, and I think you should come by and have some coffee cake.
What are we talking, like, store-bought? No, no, no, no we have some serious bakers in our group.
Kim, over there, used to be a lawyer, and now she puts all that energy into coffee cake.
I think tom is gonna have some new friends.
Anyway, turns out morning shift is awesome! I'm making points with Lisa, I'm having coffee cake with these ladies who are hanging on my every word.
Okay, they're hanging on your every word, Mike? - You heard me.
- Yeah, I don't buy it; - what's your angle? - I don't need an angle.
I'm the only guy there; That's my angle.
Am I saying your husband's a bad guy? No.
Could he listen a little bit more? - Probably.
- Totally.
Simple.
Righty-tighty, lefty-loosey.
And that's how you do a perfect pull-up.
Same to you.
No, that's your only angle, Mike.
All right, so, my turn.
- Esma and I are back on.
- What?! What happened, she didn't buy the cat allergy thing? Oh, no, she bought it A little too well.
- Esma! Hi! - I gave tiger away.
What? It was the hardest thing that I've ever had to do.
- Why would you do that? - I thought about what you said, and you were right.
We have so much potential! I won't let anything stand in the way of our relationship.
Ooh Wow! She chose you over the cat.
That is it, man.
That's it, you have no way out now.
So, uh, exactly how many weeks is a cat worth? - Weeks?! Uh, try months.
- Easy months.
Wait, how long has she had the cat for? I don't know.
Since she was, like, 17, 18.
Oh no! Ah! Not quite a child, but not yet a woman.
You cannot break up with her for three months, I'd say.
- What?! - Yeah, I know.
Six months, if she had the cat when she lost her virginity.
- No, no, no, no! - Absolutely.
Seven months if the cat was in the room when it went down.
- Seriously? - You're screwed.
I'm completely serious, yes.
You're in for the long haul, buddy.
Add a month every time she mentioned the cat's name.
Might as well have a kid with this woman.
- You should marry her.
- I gotta get out of here! This is a cat-astrophe.
Well, we were all thinking about that I was the only one who was brave enough to say it.
Geez.
- Hey, I'll get this.
- No, no, no.
I got it.
I mean, concerning the whole Callie situation, you should save your money for ever.
Okay, am I being a jerk for worrying about this? You know, I want to be cool about it, and we're not even married or anything.
Look, in all respects, Callie's a fantastic girl.
She's an artist; She's a free spirit; she makes you happy, right? Yeah, of course she does.
Right.
With Callie, you're more interesting, you smell better, the whole package is improved.
Frankly, I don't see how you could go back.
So maybe you just accept that the price of living with Callie is that things cost a little more.
- Yeah, it's like a tax.
- A Callie tax.
I just can't understand not appreciating the value of a dollar, you know? It's an important family value for me, all right? It's like my grandfather always used to say: "Squeeze the' nipple until the buffalo screams.
" Nipple? Really? Sure he didn't mean "nickel"? Oh, see, that makes more sense.
Tommy, nice kick! Way to go! Oh, so I've been dying to know what happened with your friend Ethan.
- Did he dump that girl? - Oh, esma? He tried to, but, get this, she gave away her cat.
Oh! Wait, wait.
Her name is esma? Yeah.
Why? - Cardio boxing trainer, tons of red hair? - Maybe.
- Hello? - Dude, she killed her cat.
- What? - Amy is taking her cardio boxing class.
She said, last class, she dedicated to her cat tiger, who she had to put down.
Dude, she killed her cat for you.
All right.
Thanks for calling.
Oh, my God.
Oh, God.
She's there with you, isn't she? If she's there with you, say, "I like bananas.
" In response to your survey, I like bananas.
So do I.
Oh, no.
You're going to get out of this.
You're going to be fine.
Slowly back out of the room.
Well, what do you think? You look great.
If I were prince Harry, I would totally spill my guts to you.
Oh.
Well, it would be pretty awkward if the real prince did that.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh! Or that.
It would be one hell of a scoop.
Yeah.
- This is fantastic.
- Mm-hmm.
But I got to go, okay? Can't be late because the press secretary's a real hard-ass.
Okay.
You're gonna be great.
Put good things out there.
The universe will provide.
- Good-bye.
- Bye, baby.
Oh! No, no, no! Oh, my God.
They're towing my car.
Of course they're gonna tow it.
Of course.
Hey! Oh, my God.
Please stop.
Okay, I know you got to tow this car.
It's not my car, okay? It's my girlfriend's car.
I just got to get in there and get my notes out of there.
'Cause I got an interview today, all right? Two seconds.
Thank you so much.
Oh.
Oh, oh, oh.
Oh, my.
All right.
Funny.
That is funny.
All right, listen.
I know this is going to sound weird, I have an interview today with his royal majesty the prince of england.
I'm not even kidding you right now, okay? I got to get in there.
If I don't get in there, I'm going to get fired.
It's the worst day of my life, okay? - So just - Yeah.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
- Oh - Pay ur parking tickets! Tell that to my girlfriend! Oh Running in my suit.
Gonna have to dry-clean this.
All right I can feel you staring at me through the cubicle.
I just I'm really sorry, okay? Her car got towed.
I didn't mean to miss the interview.
I can't hear you.
I got disappointment clogging up my ears.
All right.
Well, just can I come in there to talk to you? No.
Because, clearly, you can't get anywhere.
So I'll come there.
Marcus.
Road trip.
You hurt me, man.
You really did.
You were the nerd that I chose to squeeze and you straight up nerd-boned me.
Look, I wasn't trying to To "nerd-bone" you.
I just I tried to call a cab.
- By the time I got there - Hold up.
Kev is torn between disappointment and arousal.
That's my girlfriend Callie.
Hi.
May I just say that you look perfectly bone Do not say any version of the word "bonerific.
" You are a psychic lady.
Yeah hi.
Wh-what's going on? - I have a surprise.
- I love surprises.
Oh, that's great.
Surprise, you're a douche.
Let's go.
Okay.
How did she know that? You won't let me open my eyes.
It's been, like, 12 blocks.
Yeah, okay.
Open your eyes.
No way.
It's quite the royal reception.
Surprise.
I mean, you still got to get your own interview.
I'm not a miracle worker, but How did you I couldn't even get a press pass to this.
Well, remember all that money I spent, traveling around the world? If I had Alzheimer's, it would be one of the last memories to go.
Well, I spent some time in england, and I learned a thing or two about how to get into a party.
It's all about attitude.
Did you just say "attitude"? Did you? Oh oh, my God.
Please tell me we're not crashing this right now.
I could tell you that, but that would be a lie.
Callie, Callie, Callie.
I am not a crasher, okay? I'm awkward enough even when I'm invited.
Sweetie, calm down.
Trust me.
I am really good at this.
I have a plan.
Ah.
Hello.
Uh, lady Cooper and lord Goodman.
I don't have you on the list.
Uh we're with the royal family.
Oh, please, step forward.
Thank you.
I cannot believe this is working.
The universe loves me.
I'll just need to scan your passports, please.
To scan the, uh Oh, look! It's Helen mirren! No.
Whoa, whoa.
Oh, my God.
We're so lucky that we got out of there.
I mean, what were you thinking? Okay, we didn't get in, but, oh, that was so exciting! I'm so pumped full of adrenaline, I feel like I could, like, throw a car or something.
I can't believe you told them that I was the chancellor of the exchequer.
What even is that? I See? The universe sensed your hesitation.
That's why we didn't pull it off.
You gotta be you gotta be committed, like I am.
I mean, this dress was $500.
Wow.
Just excuse me for a second.
Hey, what's going on with you? Look, the student loans, I get.
And the travel.
It's just these unpaid parking tickets and the $500 dresses, is irresponsible.
You're digging yourself deeper and deeper into a hole and how are you going to get out? Hey, come on, I haven't had my big break yet.
It takes years and years for an artist's work to become popular.
I mean, what am I supposed to do in the meantime, - just stop livin'? - What if your break doesn't come? What if it does? Come on.
If you always make the safe choices, nothing exciting is ever going to happen to you.
I just think that you have to consider reality.
Okay? I mean, I don't want to be the one to tell the dreamer to stop dreaming.
But, uh Maybe it's time to stop dreaming.
Okay, look, I I am who I am, and you are who you are, and maybe we just can't find common ground on this one.
Wow.
Did this conversation just get really serious, all of a sudden? Oh, you mean more serious than you telling me the way I live my life sucks? Look, I I'd like to say I'm going to change, but the truth is, I probably won't.
I'm always going to use the pennies in my pocket to make a wish on a well, not feed the meter.
You-you know that you can't put pennies into a meter.
Right? Also, at some point, we should discuss the merits of throwing your money into a well.
You know, I borrowed this dress for you, you jerk.
Ugh! Yuck! This muffin is so crumbly.
It's not a muffin.
It's a scone.
Potato, "po-tah-to.
" No, "potahto, potahto.
" The scone is like the national pastry of england.
So? So the fact that you can't appreciate that means that we have no future together.
You're breaking up with me because of a muffin? It's not a muffin, it's a scone And you killed your cat! So? Hey.
Need a lift? I don't know.
Can you afford it? Look, I did some thinking about what I said back there.
Not my best work.
I love that you're passionate and that you live in the moment.
And I think that you're a great photographer.
I just worry that the rest of the world is not going to appreciate you the way that I do.
Yeah, okay, that was pretty good.
I'm a professional magazine writer.
But you're the best thing that ever happened to me.
And you make my life wonderful.
And nervous, and interesting.
And without you, I'm just a dumb-ass with big glasses.
And I paid 200 bucks for this limo, just for an apology, so could you, uh, please, please get in there? You're not a dumb-ass.
And, I mean, you're right, I don't do well with money, but it doesn't mean I want to give up my dreams.
I don't want you to.
I want you to be exactly who you are.
I like your glasses.
All right, I'll get in.
Aw Oh sweetie, I'd love to take credit for that, but it actually came with the car.
Well, I'll give you credit.
I'm sorry I messed up your story.
No, it's okay.
I don't give a damn about prince Harry.
You shouldn't, either.
What an ass.
- You know prince Harry? - I know enough.
And just because you're freakin' royal doesn't mean you don't have to tip.
Especially if one of your skanks is painting my back seat.
With vomit.
I see.
And so, um Maybe you could expand on that.
Oh, yeah.
For starters, personal hygiene? Not so much.
You know, he only allows us to listen to Jefferson starship? Not even the good ones.
Oh, my God.
What's so funny? Oh, my God.
Sam just told us the funniest story.
- Sam? - Yes.
Jason's dad.
- Hey, man.
- Oh.
Nice to meet you.
White house, green door, right? - Yeah.
- You are? Brown house, yellow ribbon.
Sorry.
Sam just got back from his tour of duty.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Thanks for keeping the ladies entertained while I was protecting America.
Yeah, hey, no problem, you know? - But you're back now.
- We missed him so much.
- We did.
- Oh - We did.
- Get in here.
Get in here.
This right here is my band of mothers.
Group hug, group hug.
Thank you for your service.
Aw, thanks.
It's banana bread.
- It's for you.
- That's big of you.
You can just give us the pan back whenever.
No biggie.
Nice meeting you.
- Bye.
- Thank you.
So tell us the rest of the story.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Tell us about that guy.
Check this for ieds first.
All right, look at it.
There it is, right on the cover.
"Driving prince Harry.
" It's splendid.
- Well done, mate.
- Thank you.
Hey, have you heard from esma since the breakup? Nope, not a peep.
And I was braced for some serious backlash.
I guess she didn't take it as hard as you thought.
This is for tiger! You killed my cat! - Technically, you killed the cat.
- I loved that cat! That cat was there when I lost my virginity.
From the trees? Just, just Esma, esma.
You are a crazy psycho.
Oh, I still love you.
We can work it out! We can work it out!