Travel Man (2015) s01e04 Episode Script
48 Hours in Marrakesh
1 Hello, I'm Richard Ayoade and while I've secured an eternal place in history as a blank-faced technological sociopath called Gadget Man, I've decided to widen my brief yet further by flinging myself wantonly and thoroughly into the ungoverned nonsense you people call travel.
Despite having a Howard Hughesian approach to leaving my home, I too can yearn to quit these shores and head to cheerier climes.
And now I'm going to build this dream of escape as I jet off within a commercial aircraft to some of the most exotic yet near to my house destinations on this earth to demonstrate how to enjoy one cherished weekend away with the smallest outlay of coin, minutage and faff.
This time, a whirlwind weekend in the heat of Marrakech.
'I'm hitting Africa with actor Stephen "The Face" Mangan' Hello, ladies! '.
.
who will act as a kind of straight man 'while we relentlessly experience the sights' I came here for a party in the sky.
'.
.
sounds' CAMEL GROANS Here we go.
'.
.
and smells' My septum is burnt out.
'.
.
of what is very much a place' That face tells me you made the wrong decision.
'.
.
as we attempt to lead you through an optimal 48 hours in Marrakech.
' We're here.
But should we have come? You're going to regret that jumper.
Marrakech can be reached by mule trek from the Atlas Mountains, or, if time is of no immense value to you, you could very well just drive to Barcelona and catch a ferry.
'But because I have a fetish for heights, 'I insisted on the relative speed of a 3.
5 hour flight, 'as did Stephen Mangan, with whom I wait for a lift to our flophouse.
' Have we really flown four hours to stand in front of a sign in the middle of a dual carriageway? We need it for geography.
Here it comes, here's our wheels.
Really? Yeah.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, why do we need those wheels? We need traction.
Where are we going, up the Atlas Mountains? Ish.
After you.
Richard, you've brought me to Marrakech.
Why? Well, I have some very good reasons.
Tell me.
'First things first - Marrakech is relatively cheap.
'You can get here, eat and sleep 'for as little as £87.
50 each for a whole weekend.
'But that's not all.
' Despite being an insultingly short 3.
5 hours flight away, we're in a different continent and on the cusp of the Sahara Desert.
As if that shizz wasn't enough, Morocco is the world's largest exporter of tinned sardines! 'And now to unveil where down we shall flop.
'Tourists oft kip in the city's bustle, 'but in a bid to evade other people, 'I've plumped for a quiet desert oasis just a short drive from town.
' So, Richard, where are you taking me? We're going to a hotel that has no electricity.
It's candles, gaslight.
It's adventurous, it's the kind of thing I thought you'd like.
I do, but I just feel that there's a shallow grave waiting for me.
Yes.
At the end of this, we're going to see Gwyneth Paltrow's head in a box.
Yeah.
'La Pause cannily combines luxury with absolute silence.
' What have you got in that, by the way? Just my hairdryer.
Cos it's not a change of clothes, is it? There are 15 more of these suits in this.
Oh, right.
I change every two hours because I sweat so badly.
It's almost as if .
.
everyone who was here died.
There's no-one around.
No, this looks like where Kula Shaker come to find the new sound.
Apparently Prince came here once.
Right.
I often think that if you and I had a child, it would look like Prince.
I think that would be the least of its problems.
Shall we see if there's any Wi-Fi? Sure.
'With our bags duly dropped and evening fast approaching, 'our bellies ache for appeasement.
'Marrakech is famous for its mesmerising array of street food 'and the best stalls are located in the city's ancient main square.
'So we return to the urban hubbub and last nearly 12 seconds 'before the warren of 11th century streets renders us hopelessly lost.
' Do you know where we are? No.
'But sweet mercy has provided me with a digital compass and map.
' I'm on compass duty.
My map says that way, but my heart says that way.
Let's go with the map rather than your rotten heart.
What they should do is they should mark the floor like they do in IKEA.
With footprints? Yeah, so that you know exactly where you're going.
But if it's like IKEA, we'd visit every single street in the city before getting to where we wanted to go.
Yes, but at least you'd only visit it once rather than several times, which is what we've done.
'As we flap about like cider-soaked wasps' Let's go this way.
Why go that way? It's the way we've just come from.
We're lost, what difference does it make? Let's do this democratically, let's go this way.
'.
.
I can only hope that editing spares you the pain of watching this in its entirety.
' They say it's better to travel than to arrive, but I think in this case, they're wrong.
Yes.
'We finally arrive as the sun sets, 'with all sense of time and perspective in tatters.
' Isn't this great? Oh, right.
Was this where we were meant to end up? Yeah.
OK.
Pretty good, no? 'This square, called the Jemaa el-Fnaa, 'is the epicentre of Marrakech, 'where locals and tourists come to eat.
' This is 1,000 years old, this square.
We're trying to keep going until we have a panic attack and then we'll just rest in that area.
'Snail broth, spicy lamb sausage 'and stuffed camel spleen are all available for the chomp.
'But then Stephen's eyes meet the eyes of a sheep.
' It's a sheep's brain.
You'd eat brain? Yeah! Let's eat some brain.
Right.
Here we go.
We'd like some head, please.
Some tongue, brainface.
I asked for thesome salad.
You'll eat rump of a cow.
I won't eat rectum though.
Here we go.
Good night! Wow! May I interest you in some eyelid? Here is the brain.
What's this bit round here? VENDOR SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE Shoulder? OK, bagsy the shoulder.
OK, I've got a bit of brain here.
Let me know how that is.
Bon appetit.
That face tells me you made the wrong decision.
It is slightly disconcerting that the mouth is open.
It's as if the mouth of this sheep is going, "Oh, come on!" Yeah.
Tell me what you've gained from this experience.
An anecdote? I've got an anecdote.
I was with someone stupid enough to eat sheep's brain.
That's my anecdote.
Look, the eye's still in it.
This is basically just an autopsy.
Don't eat that, OK? I ate the brain, you eat the eyes! I'm not subject to some kind of weird television law of bullying where just because Declan has eaten the brain that Ant has to eat the eye.
No! Oh, my good grief, it's black inside.
Why are you doing this? Why did you do that? It's delicious.
It's not.
It is! Shall we go get a burger? Yeah, let's get a camel burger.
OK, come on then.
'Dinner defeats us.
The night - and our first day - is over.
'We retire to the pitch-black of our desert abode.
' 'Day two begins in the middle of day one's night.
'But the pain of a 4am alarm will be offset 'by the eyegasm that awaits us just a one-hour drive out of town.
' We're getting in a hot-air balloon in the name of efficiency because once we're up there, we can see the whole of Marrakech, mountains, the city.
How will we go where we want to go? Winds will govern us.
'Pilot Maurice insists on an early start as the calm morning air SHOULD ensure a safe flight.
' How long have you been piloting hot air balloons? It's the first time today.
'A crown prince of deadpan, 'Maurice also moonlights as Morocco's second best Terence Stamp lookalike.
' I do now know for certain that I am a vertigo sufferer.
Right.
What I'm enjoying is the tranquillity, the really freaky silence and then the quite violent flamethrowing that's going on just inches above our head.
BURNER ROARS Wow, look! You can genuinely see everything.
BURNER ROARS I wish I had a similar device to this in normal conversations to provide thinking time.
Yeah.
HE MIMICS BURNER But now that we've got all of this perspective, how are we going to zone in on the detail? How are we, Richard? With this puppy! 60 times optical zoom! Oh, it's an absolute pleasure.
Look at that.
Oh, look at the zoom on that.
Oh! Ooh! Wow! Ooh! That's a deep barrel.
That is an early morning barrel right there.
It's a bit awkward now, having to stand this close to each other after that.
I thought you'd be able to mingle in one of these things and walk around and chat but we're actually hemmed in.
It's not like a function.
That's what I thought You thought you came up here to network? I came here for a party in the sky.
It's more like a confessional booth in the sky.
BURNER ROARS 'With our memories committed to data, Maurice lets the balloon nestle down.
' I'm more and more relieved as we get nearer the ground.
I'm feeling kind of almost smug.
'And this eerie experience ends without injury.
' Brace for impact.
Whoa! I I am enjoying my feet touching land.
Ah, but wasn't it magical being up in the sky and so quiet and floating? It was periodically quiet, between Bunsen burner blasts.
Yeah, that was quite noisy.
Hang on, here we go.
'The balloon massively fulfilled its brief 'of allowing us to see a good deal 'and all before any such thing as breakfast.
'Now our quest needs to pause as you hurtle 'into the very necessary world of products 'and I must tell you of what is to come.
'Such as ancient tales' He found a white-bearded wizard.
We weren't going to guess that.
'.
.
and moody wildlife' I'm just like a big gnat to this camel.
'.
.
as we continue to speedwalk you through an incessant Moroccan weekend.
' Actor Stephen Mangan and me, a loose string of unrelated vowels, Richard Ayoade, are showing you how to power slam through 48 hours in Marrakech.
Our voyage has so far seen us fly Wow, look! .
.
and throw food into our mouths.
Why are you doing this? But now we must wrestle with local culture, folklore and narrative, so we can feel worthy, rather than the trivial consumers we are.
Storytelling is a crucial part of Marrakech's history, passing on wisdom and moral guidance to new generations.
In the 11th century, tellers would perform in the main square.
But now a new breed perform in city-centre cafes, like this.
Who doesn't like a story? Well That's essentially what you and I do for a living, isn't it? Don't dignify what we do.
Good point.
Jaouad puts on free performances for tourists in his spare time.
Hello.
Hello, I'm Richard.
Hi, nice to meet you.
Hello, I'm Stephen.
How are you? Nice to meet you.
So, I should say, I have no facial expressions.
He doesn't.
Virtually none.
It's like a medical condition.
So you won't be able to tell anything from looking at me, because I'm emotionally cut off.
Yeah.
OK.
I almost am completely dead.
I'll try and make up for it with my Stephen's more animated.
With warm eyes.
Also, I'm bad with eye contact, so just bear that in mind.
So, once upon a time there was a child whose father died and left him alone.
'This particular story follows Jaffar, a lazy son of a butcher, 'whose mother encourages him to seek out his own luck.
' "Jaffar, you fool! You always lose your money!" 'Throughout the tale, 'Jaouad skips between roles like a modern-day Danny Dyer, 'flitting from dog' Woof-woof.
"Go away, you stupid!" '.
.
to old man.
' "Give me money first.
" 'The story has more twists and turns 'than an episode of Come Dine With Me' And guess what he found? Dead queen.
It's not The Sopranos.
'.
.
with new characters constantly appearing.
They found a white-bearded wizard, holding a candle and his spell book in his hands.
We weren't going to guess that.
Where was that?! 'But like Oliver Stone before him, 'Jaouad is keen to explore 'what moral lessons we've gained from his story.
' APPLAUSE What did you learn from this story? So, the moral of the story is, always find a tiny wizard to take the punishment for you.
LAUGHTER Yeah.
I suppose, in a Bruno Bettelheim way, it's really about integrating various aspects of the ego to create a whole.
And that's what I took away.
I have no idea what this means.
Me neither.
No, I don't really, I just read it in a Sunday supplement.
Our moral compasses clearly need adjustment, but, as that will not happen within our lifetimes, it's an issue that is best ignored for the moment.
Right now, I urgently wished to explore Marrakech's top tourist attractions.
How about the 16th-century Saadian Tombs? This is where members of the Saadian dynasty that once ruled Morocco are buried and is a great way to feel close to death for half an hour.
OK.
Saadian Tomb.
Right.
Very tranquil, very pretty.
And their solution to what do you do with the rich dead? You tile them in.
You tile them in.
You get a lot of tiles and a job lot of grout, and get to work.
Have you got any particular burial plans? I want to go in the brown recycling bin.
I've said this for a long time.
Knowing my luck, I'd end up in the wrong bin, or they'd refuse to pick me up.
Our 48 hours are nearly up.
Like Eddie Murphy and Nick Nolte before us, we can't waste them by over-reflecting on the fleeting nature of life.
No, we need to investigate the production of high-quality leather goods, something Marrakech is world famous for.
So, our next stop is the 1,000-year-old tannery on the edge of the old town, where we'll learn how some of the finest leather on Earth is created.
Well, this is the tannery.
OK.
Where leather goods are prepared.
What's that on the walls? That's excrement.
Excrement.
Yeah.
Right.
I once lived in a block of flats in Southfields that had a very similar stairwell to this.
Yeah, sorry about that.
Yeah, it wasn't ideal.
Oh, God! It's an intense whiff.
Intense isn't the word, my septum's burnt out.
The tanners here use medieval techniques, which have been passed down through generations.
The first stage of the process is to soak the goat, camel or cow skins in lime to loosen the hair.
The hair is just gliding off.
It's like soaking a casserole dish.
Before long it'll be a Hoxton man-bag.
There's bits of my body that could do with that treatment.
Yeah.
It's the next stage now, where they dip the skin in pigeon faeces to remove the lime.
And that is a ramp up in odour.
Ugh! Hello! The last time I smelt something like this, I was in the toilets of an unmanned railway station in the Midlands.
After they are washed, the skins are soaked again, left to dry and finally scraped, before having colour applied.
The smell's still horrific, but there's more leather within it.
Bono will be able to get a pair of trousers made out of these.
Yeah.
In order to see the leather in its final state, we make haste to the sprawling city-centre markets.
Well, you couldn't really get more leather.
If only Paul Hogan were here, he could really stock up.
There's so much leather here that some men, including the man Leonardo DiCaprio, pay locals to sift through it for them.
But I'm not Leonardo DiCaprio, and if anyone's going to sift through man-bags, it's going to be me.
OK, this makes me feel like a '70s doctor, which I like.
This is good.
How much is this? This one is only 650 dirham.
650 Let me get my app out, and see how much that is.
?46.
Give me your best offer, how much? If you just let me get to 375, to make it look like I'm good at haggling, I'll give you 500.
OK, deal.
500.
Great.
I'm not even sure I want the bag.
Well, Stephen, if you could pay up.
Right.
Yeah, I work for him.
Oh.
Yeah, he's very cruel.
And if I do things wrong, he hits me.
With a piece of Marrakech now strapped to my torso, we need to ponder our enormous achievements in a suitably evocative environment.
So we've travelled back to the Agafay Desert, where we can test one last experience.
How are you feeling about our way out? Hello, ladies! Yeah.
Wow! Look at you! Look at the eyelashes on that one! Yeah.
Beautiful.
Well, just for filtering out dust, rather than aesthetics.
But I'm sure they'll appreciate the compliment.
It's working for me.
When we mount up - and mount up we will - we're going to be high off the ground.
Yeah.
So I don't want to leave a face like yours in danger of hitting the deck.
How are you going to protect my face? The Pro Hit Air Vest! Really? Well, it'll go round your body, your face, actually, might still get mangled.
Horse riders wear this.
When you fall off, it inflates, thus buffering you.
We're going to get on? All right, mount up.
Here we go.
Wahey! This one's Mine's half up.
Wahey, and now he's fully up.
Yours is fully up? But his face is caught in yours.
Look at this.
Get up.
I'm just like a big nap to this camel.
Camel, rise! Camel? Camel, light.
Up you get.
Here we go.
There we go.
Here we go.
Oh, hello.
Hello.
Are you ready? It's a long way up.
Oh, dear.
There we go.
Oh, yeah, you see? How do you feel now you're mounted up? Well, I think this is the closest I'm ever going to get to being in a Western.
Yeah.
I mean, I feel pretty good about this, actually.
Yeah? I feel less bad than I normally do, which, for me, is a ringing endorsement.
I wonder how recently they've drunk? You know, one of these puppies can fit in 200 litres.
200 litres? He's going to neck that in three mins.
Three mins? Three mins.
Camels are so vital to Moroccans that there's an annual camel festival celebrating their importance as a means of transport, and source of food.
Mentally, though we dare not admit it to one another, Mangan and I are already working out how to bring this event to Britain, and whether we could get Kula Shaker to reform and lay down some sweet beats.
I feel, of all the things we've done, this is one of the least terrifying.
That's really weird to hear you say that.
Less terrifying than the storyteller? No, that was OK.
Less terrifying than walking through a medina? Yes.
Less terrifying than buying a leather bag? That was medium.
Good to know how the charts are Look at it! Look at that! Aren't you glad you're not sitting in your living room now, and you're out in the desert, on a camel? What I'm glad about, is the image of you, looking like an off-duty member of the Metropolitan Police.
Hey! On the back of a camel.
Camel Division.
While a weekend here can be had for ?87.
50, I've spaffed 400.
But that does include a hot-air balloon Wow.
Ooh.
.
.
a high-quality leather man-bag I'm not even sure I want the bag.
.
.
and a whole sheep's head.
I ate the brain, you eat the eye! It may not have been entirely pleasant Oh, God! It's an intense whiff.
But overall, Marrakech can afford the frugal traveller with a whole tankard of holiday for a mere cup of coin.
So, you're a man who, wherever you go, clutches life lessons dearly to his chest.
Which one have you plucked this time? We think we've seen it all, because you've watched on telly, you've seen documentaries.
But not until you get out there and see it with your own two eyes can you really appreciate what's going on in the world.
What about you? I've learned that it's very frustrating to be without Wi-Fi signal.
Despite having a Howard Hughesian approach to leaving my home, I too can yearn to quit these shores and head to cheerier climes.
And now I'm going to build this dream of escape as I jet off within a commercial aircraft to some of the most exotic yet near to my house destinations on this earth to demonstrate how to enjoy one cherished weekend away with the smallest outlay of coin, minutage and faff.
This time, a whirlwind weekend in the heat of Marrakech.
'I'm hitting Africa with actor Stephen "The Face" Mangan' Hello, ladies! '.
.
who will act as a kind of straight man 'while we relentlessly experience the sights' I came here for a party in the sky.
'.
.
sounds' CAMEL GROANS Here we go.
'.
.
and smells' My septum is burnt out.
'.
.
of what is very much a place' That face tells me you made the wrong decision.
'.
.
as we attempt to lead you through an optimal 48 hours in Marrakech.
' We're here.
But should we have come? You're going to regret that jumper.
Marrakech can be reached by mule trek from the Atlas Mountains, or, if time is of no immense value to you, you could very well just drive to Barcelona and catch a ferry.
'But because I have a fetish for heights, 'I insisted on the relative speed of a 3.
5 hour flight, 'as did Stephen Mangan, with whom I wait for a lift to our flophouse.
' Have we really flown four hours to stand in front of a sign in the middle of a dual carriageway? We need it for geography.
Here it comes, here's our wheels.
Really? Yeah.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, why do we need those wheels? We need traction.
Where are we going, up the Atlas Mountains? Ish.
After you.
Richard, you've brought me to Marrakech.
Why? Well, I have some very good reasons.
Tell me.
'First things first - Marrakech is relatively cheap.
'You can get here, eat and sleep 'for as little as £87.
50 each for a whole weekend.
'But that's not all.
' Despite being an insultingly short 3.
5 hours flight away, we're in a different continent and on the cusp of the Sahara Desert.
As if that shizz wasn't enough, Morocco is the world's largest exporter of tinned sardines! 'And now to unveil where down we shall flop.
'Tourists oft kip in the city's bustle, 'but in a bid to evade other people, 'I've plumped for a quiet desert oasis just a short drive from town.
' So, Richard, where are you taking me? We're going to a hotel that has no electricity.
It's candles, gaslight.
It's adventurous, it's the kind of thing I thought you'd like.
I do, but I just feel that there's a shallow grave waiting for me.
Yes.
At the end of this, we're going to see Gwyneth Paltrow's head in a box.
Yeah.
'La Pause cannily combines luxury with absolute silence.
' What have you got in that, by the way? Just my hairdryer.
Cos it's not a change of clothes, is it? There are 15 more of these suits in this.
Oh, right.
I change every two hours because I sweat so badly.
It's almost as if .
.
everyone who was here died.
There's no-one around.
No, this looks like where Kula Shaker come to find the new sound.
Apparently Prince came here once.
Right.
I often think that if you and I had a child, it would look like Prince.
I think that would be the least of its problems.
Shall we see if there's any Wi-Fi? Sure.
'With our bags duly dropped and evening fast approaching, 'our bellies ache for appeasement.
'Marrakech is famous for its mesmerising array of street food 'and the best stalls are located in the city's ancient main square.
'So we return to the urban hubbub and last nearly 12 seconds 'before the warren of 11th century streets renders us hopelessly lost.
' Do you know where we are? No.
'But sweet mercy has provided me with a digital compass and map.
' I'm on compass duty.
My map says that way, but my heart says that way.
Let's go with the map rather than your rotten heart.
What they should do is they should mark the floor like they do in IKEA.
With footprints? Yeah, so that you know exactly where you're going.
But if it's like IKEA, we'd visit every single street in the city before getting to where we wanted to go.
Yes, but at least you'd only visit it once rather than several times, which is what we've done.
'As we flap about like cider-soaked wasps' Let's go this way.
Why go that way? It's the way we've just come from.
We're lost, what difference does it make? Let's do this democratically, let's go this way.
'.
.
I can only hope that editing spares you the pain of watching this in its entirety.
' They say it's better to travel than to arrive, but I think in this case, they're wrong.
Yes.
'We finally arrive as the sun sets, 'with all sense of time and perspective in tatters.
' Isn't this great? Oh, right.
Was this where we were meant to end up? Yeah.
OK.
Pretty good, no? 'This square, called the Jemaa el-Fnaa, 'is the epicentre of Marrakech, 'where locals and tourists come to eat.
' This is 1,000 years old, this square.
We're trying to keep going until we have a panic attack and then we'll just rest in that area.
'Snail broth, spicy lamb sausage 'and stuffed camel spleen are all available for the chomp.
'But then Stephen's eyes meet the eyes of a sheep.
' It's a sheep's brain.
You'd eat brain? Yeah! Let's eat some brain.
Right.
Here we go.
We'd like some head, please.
Some tongue, brainface.
I asked for thesome salad.
You'll eat rump of a cow.
I won't eat rectum though.
Here we go.
Good night! Wow! May I interest you in some eyelid? Here is the brain.
What's this bit round here? VENDOR SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE Shoulder? OK, bagsy the shoulder.
OK, I've got a bit of brain here.
Let me know how that is.
Bon appetit.
That face tells me you made the wrong decision.
It is slightly disconcerting that the mouth is open.
It's as if the mouth of this sheep is going, "Oh, come on!" Yeah.
Tell me what you've gained from this experience.
An anecdote? I've got an anecdote.
I was with someone stupid enough to eat sheep's brain.
That's my anecdote.
Look, the eye's still in it.
This is basically just an autopsy.
Don't eat that, OK? I ate the brain, you eat the eyes! I'm not subject to some kind of weird television law of bullying where just because Declan has eaten the brain that Ant has to eat the eye.
No! Oh, my good grief, it's black inside.
Why are you doing this? Why did you do that? It's delicious.
It's not.
It is! Shall we go get a burger? Yeah, let's get a camel burger.
OK, come on then.
'Dinner defeats us.
The night - and our first day - is over.
'We retire to the pitch-black of our desert abode.
' 'Day two begins in the middle of day one's night.
'But the pain of a 4am alarm will be offset 'by the eyegasm that awaits us just a one-hour drive out of town.
' We're getting in a hot-air balloon in the name of efficiency because once we're up there, we can see the whole of Marrakech, mountains, the city.
How will we go where we want to go? Winds will govern us.
'Pilot Maurice insists on an early start as the calm morning air SHOULD ensure a safe flight.
' How long have you been piloting hot air balloons? It's the first time today.
'A crown prince of deadpan, 'Maurice also moonlights as Morocco's second best Terence Stamp lookalike.
' I do now know for certain that I am a vertigo sufferer.
Right.
What I'm enjoying is the tranquillity, the really freaky silence and then the quite violent flamethrowing that's going on just inches above our head.
BURNER ROARS Wow, look! You can genuinely see everything.
BURNER ROARS I wish I had a similar device to this in normal conversations to provide thinking time.
Yeah.
HE MIMICS BURNER But now that we've got all of this perspective, how are we going to zone in on the detail? How are we, Richard? With this puppy! 60 times optical zoom! Oh, it's an absolute pleasure.
Look at that.
Oh, look at the zoom on that.
Oh! Ooh! Wow! Ooh! That's a deep barrel.
That is an early morning barrel right there.
It's a bit awkward now, having to stand this close to each other after that.
I thought you'd be able to mingle in one of these things and walk around and chat but we're actually hemmed in.
It's not like a function.
That's what I thought You thought you came up here to network? I came here for a party in the sky.
It's more like a confessional booth in the sky.
BURNER ROARS 'With our memories committed to data, Maurice lets the balloon nestle down.
' I'm more and more relieved as we get nearer the ground.
I'm feeling kind of almost smug.
'And this eerie experience ends without injury.
' Brace for impact.
Whoa! I I am enjoying my feet touching land.
Ah, but wasn't it magical being up in the sky and so quiet and floating? It was periodically quiet, between Bunsen burner blasts.
Yeah, that was quite noisy.
Hang on, here we go.
'The balloon massively fulfilled its brief 'of allowing us to see a good deal 'and all before any such thing as breakfast.
'Now our quest needs to pause as you hurtle 'into the very necessary world of products 'and I must tell you of what is to come.
'Such as ancient tales' He found a white-bearded wizard.
We weren't going to guess that.
'.
.
and moody wildlife' I'm just like a big gnat to this camel.
'.
.
as we continue to speedwalk you through an incessant Moroccan weekend.
' Actor Stephen Mangan and me, a loose string of unrelated vowels, Richard Ayoade, are showing you how to power slam through 48 hours in Marrakech.
Our voyage has so far seen us fly Wow, look! .
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and throw food into our mouths.
Why are you doing this? But now we must wrestle with local culture, folklore and narrative, so we can feel worthy, rather than the trivial consumers we are.
Storytelling is a crucial part of Marrakech's history, passing on wisdom and moral guidance to new generations.
In the 11th century, tellers would perform in the main square.
But now a new breed perform in city-centre cafes, like this.
Who doesn't like a story? Well That's essentially what you and I do for a living, isn't it? Don't dignify what we do.
Good point.
Jaouad puts on free performances for tourists in his spare time.
Hello.
Hello, I'm Richard.
Hi, nice to meet you.
Hello, I'm Stephen.
How are you? Nice to meet you.
So, I should say, I have no facial expressions.
He doesn't.
Virtually none.
It's like a medical condition.
So you won't be able to tell anything from looking at me, because I'm emotionally cut off.
Yeah.
OK.
I almost am completely dead.
I'll try and make up for it with my Stephen's more animated.
With warm eyes.
Also, I'm bad with eye contact, so just bear that in mind.
So, once upon a time there was a child whose father died and left him alone.
'This particular story follows Jaffar, a lazy son of a butcher, 'whose mother encourages him to seek out his own luck.
' "Jaffar, you fool! You always lose your money!" 'Throughout the tale, 'Jaouad skips between roles like a modern-day Danny Dyer, 'flitting from dog' Woof-woof.
"Go away, you stupid!" '.
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to old man.
' "Give me money first.
" 'The story has more twists and turns 'than an episode of Come Dine With Me' And guess what he found? Dead queen.
It's not The Sopranos.
'.
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with new characters constantly appearing.
They found a white-bearded wizard, holding a candle and his spell book in his hands.
We weren't going to guess that.
Where was that?! 'But like Oliver Stone before him, 'Jaouad is keen to explore 'what moral lessons we've gained from his story.
' APPLAUSE What did you learn from this story? So, the moral of the story is, always find a tiny wizard to take the punishment for you.
LAUGHTER Yeah.
I suppose, in a Bruno Bettelheim way, it's really about integrating various aspects of the ego to create a whole.
And that's what I took away.
I have no idea what this means.
Me neither.
No, I don't really, I just read it in a Sunday supplement.
Our moral compasses clearly need adjustment, but, as that will not happen within our lifetimes, it's an issue that is best ignored for the moment.
Right now, I urgently wished to explore Marrakech's top tourist attractions.
How about the 16th-century Saadian Tombs? This is where members of the Saadian dynasty that once ruled Morocco are buried and is a great way to feel close to death for half an hour.
OK.
Saadian Tomb.
Right.
Very tranquil, very pretty.
And their solution to what do you do with the rich dead? You tile them in.
You tile them in.
You get a lot of tiles and a job lot of grout, and get to work.
Have you got any particular burial plans? I want to go in the brown recycling bin.
I've said this for a long time.
Knowing my luck, I'd end up in the wrong bin, or they'd refuse to pick me up.
Our 48 hours are nearly up.
Like Eddie Murphy and Nick Nolte before us, we can't waste them by over-reflecting on the fleeting nature of life.
No, we need to investigate the production of high-quality leather goods, something Marrakech is world famous for.
So, our next stop is the 1,000-year-old tannery on the edge of the old town, where we'll learn how some of the finest leather on Earth is created.
Well, this is the tannery.
OK.
Where leather goods are prepared.
What's that on the walls? That's excrement.
Excrement.
Yeah.
Right.
I once lived in a block of flats in Southfields that had a very similar stairwell to this.
Yeah, sorry about that.
Yeah, it wasn't ideal.
Oh, God! It's an intense whiff.
Intense isn't the word, my septum's burnt out.
The tanners here use medieval techniques, which have been passed down through generations.
The first stage of the process is to soak the goat, camel or cow skins in lime to loosen the hair.
The hair is just gliding off.
It's like soaking a casserole dish.
Before long it'll be a Hoxton man-bag.
There's bits of my body that could do with that treatment.
Yeah.
It's the next stage now, where they dip the skin in pigeon faeces to remove the lime.
And that is a ramp up in odour.
Ugh! Hello! The last time I smelt something like this, I was in the toilets of an unmanned railway station in the Midlands.
After they are washed, the skins are soaked again, left to dry and finally scraped, before having colour applied.
The smell's still horrific, but there's more leather within it.
Bono will be able to get a pair of trousers made out of these.
Yeah.
In order to see the leather in its final state, we make haste to the sprawling city-centre markets.
Well, you couldn't really get more leather.
If only Paul Hogan were here, he could really stock up.
There's so much leather here that some men, including the man Leonardo DiCaprio, pay locals to sift through it for them.
But I'm not Leonardo DiCaprio, and if anyone's going to sift through man-bags, it's going to be me.
OK, this makes me feel like a '70s doctor, which I like.
This is good.
How much is this? This one is only 650 dirham.
650 Let me get my app out, and see how much that is.
?46.
Give me your best offer, how much? If you just let me get to 375, to make it look like I'm good at haggling, I'll give you 500.
OK, deal.
500.
Great.
I'm not even sure I want the bag.
Well, Stephen, if you could pay up.
Right.
Yeah, I work for him.
Oh.
Yeah, he's very cruel.
And if I do things wrong, he hits me.
With a piece of Marrakech now strapped to my torso, we need to ponder our enormous achievements in a suitably evocative environment.
So we've travelled back to the Agafay Desert, where we can test one last experience.
How are you feeling about our way out? Hello, ladies! Yeah.
Wow! Look at you! Look at the eyelashes on that one! Yeah.
Beautiful.
Well, just for filtering out dust, rather than aesthetics.
But I'm sure they'll appreciate the compliment.
It's working for me.
When we mount up - and mount up we will - we're going to be high off the ground.
Yeah.
So I don't want to leave a face like yours in danger of hitting the deck.
How are you going to protect my face? The Pro Hit Air Vest! Really? Well, it'll go round your body, your face, actually, might still get mangled.
Horse riders wear this.
When you fall off, it inflates, thus buffering you.
We're going to get on? All right, mount up.
Here we go.
Wahey! This one's Mine's half up.
Wahey, and now he's fully up.
Yours is fully up? But his face is caught in yours.
Look at this.
Get up.
I'm just like a big nap to this camel.
Camel, rise! Camel? Camel, light.
Up you get.
Here we go.
There we go.
Here we go.
Oh, hello.
Hello.
Are you ready? It's a long way up.
Oh, dear.
There we go.
Oh, yeah, you see? How do you feel now you're mounted up? Well, I think this is the closest I'm ever going to get to being in a Western.
Yeah.
I mean, I feel pretty good about this, actually.
Yeah? I feel less bad than I normally do, which, for me, is a ringing endorsement.
I wonder how recently they've drunk? You know, one of these puppies can fit in 200 litres.
200 litres? He's going to neck that in three mins.
Three mins? Three mins.
Camels are so vital to Moroccans that there's an annual camel festival celebrating their importance as a means of transport, and source of food.
Mentally, though we dare not admit it to one another, Mangan and I are already working out how to bring this event to Britain, and whether we could get Kula Shaker to reform and lay down some sweet beats.
I feel, of all the things we've done, this is one of the least terrifying.
That's really weird to hear you say that.
Less terrifying than the storyteller? No, that was OK.
Less terrifying than walking through a medina? Yes.
Less terrifying than buying a leather bag? That was medium.
Good to know how the charts are Look at it! Look at that! Aren't you glad you're not sitting in your living room now, and you're out in the desert, on a camel? What I'm glad about, is the image of you, looking like an off-duty member of the Metropolitan Police.
Hey! On the back of a camel.
Camel Division.
While a weekend here can be had for ?87.
50, I've spaffed 400.
But that does include a hot-air balloon Wow.
Ooh.
.
.
a high-quality leather man-bag I'm not even sure I want the bag.
.
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and a whole sheep's head.
I ate the brain, you eat the eye! It may not have been entirely pleasant Oh, God! It's an intense whiff.
But overall, Marrakech can afford the frugal traveller with a whole tankard of holiday for a mere cup of coin.
So, you're a man who, wherever you go, clutches life lessons dearly to his chest.
Which one have you plucked this time? We think we've seen it all, because you've watched on telly, you've seen documentaries.
But not until you get out there and see it with your own two eyes can you really appreciate what's going on in the world.
What about you? I've learned that it's very frustrating to be without Wi-Fi signal.