Trollied (2011) s01e04 Episode Script

- Valco! - Serves you right! - Quite nervous.
- You won't beat our prices.
- Stop that.
- If you get it cheaper, - I'll come round and cook it.
- We have 17 varieties of papadom.
Offers on everything from booze to biscuits.
- Loads of 2-for-1s.
- Service with a smile.
- Fresh produce - .
.
delivered daily.
- The Valco tick.
- That way.
- Valco! - I wasn't ready.
Valco.
Serves you right! (all) Valco.
Serves you right! Let's have a look, then.
- Oh, my God.
No! Pass it here! - No, no.
That's skank.
- No, that's horrible.
- It's great.
Fat Booth.
Used it on Emma, she looked like a giant Lorraine Kelly.
- Promise me you'll delete it.
- Yeah.
- Promise.
- Yeah.
You best do.
My head looks like a giant balloon.
People love balloons.
Have you got plenty of water? Don't want you getting all shrivelled.
It's only Manchester.
I'm not going to Saturn.
I'm just saying.
Sometimes people get stuck in traffic for days.
- Have you got a blanket? - Yes, I've got one in the boot.
Used to use it to wipe down Chester if he jumped in the pond.
Anyway, look, don't forget to walk Margaret through the salad bar.
Head Office want us to push this healthy eating.
As if a salad bar is going to make any difference.
We'd be better off banning chocolate mega muffins.
- I'm quite partial to a mega muffin.
- That's not like you.
It's only once a year.
Right.
Now, I shall be back about four o'clock.
So any problems, you've got my number.
Yes, I do.
So maybe I could, er, I don't know, erm, send you a text? Oh, yes, by all means.
Yes, send me a text.
Great.
Well, have a good one.
Hope they provide sandwiches this time.
- That would be a turn-up for the books.
- (giggles) Oh, yes, so, erm, maybe I'll drop you that text later.
Yes, yes.
If you like.
Send me a text, yes.
Bye.
and think they can pick and choose whatever they want.
And hold that pose.
Well, knock me down with a bag of balls.
Makes you look really Actually, no, you just look the same.
(Andy) Glen Beef.
Of all people, Glen bloody Beef.
What's he doing in here? Let me think.
Er, I don't care.
Hello, Glen.
- Pleasure to have you in my store.
- Hmm.
Hear you closed down last month.
Bloody shame.
Best butcher's in the last 20 years, if you ask me.
Didn't have much choice.
Couldn't compete with supermarket prices.
Well, we try our best.
Those machines don't even cut the meat properly.
You see, when I were a butcher, my standards were impeccable.
Hey, my standards are un-peccable.
Like I was saying to your boss earlier, we're all easily replaced.
By the way, you've got wonky grass.
Glen Beef? A butcher called Glen Beef? You serious? Deadly serious, Kieran.
Deadly serious.
Straighten that grass.
(phone rings) - Where's Gavin? - Andy! You can't just barge in here.
I could have been doing anything.
- Has he given Glen Beef a job? - Who's Glen Beef? "Who's Glen Beef?" That's like saying who's Ed Gauls.
- Who's Ed Gauls? - He worked with Glen Beef.
I have no idea what you're on about.
I've got a lot to do.
Look at all these folders.
I can't have Glen working here.
Me and him together, it'd be like Sooty and Sweep.
- But they were friends.
- Well, the other two, then.
The policeman and the crocodile.
All I'm willing to say is that Valco is have a big revamp.
Whether your Mr Beef has anything to do with that, I don't know.
- Get back to your counter.
- Yeah, course.
There's plenty of knives there for somebody to stab me in the back.
Enjoy your folders.
(Katie) Colin.
Colin, I know you heard me.
A woman dumped these.
Put them back, please.
- I can't.
I'm busy.
- I'm not asking as a favour.
- It's part of your job.
- My job is really busy, innit? It's like busy, busy, bap-bap, busy, bap.
Colin, for fuck's sake! Will you just take the flour and put them on the shelf? Alright, don't shit a kitten.
Anyway, what do I get in return? Is it? How's about I don't come behind there and kick you in the balls? There you go, madam.
- I'll chop Glen Beef's head off.
- Enjoy.
He's after my job, Kieran.
I can sense it.
Would you stop going on about Glen bloody Beef? - Has he even had an interview? - He must have.
He said he'd talked to the boss.
And he didn't have a basket.
It's a shame he went out of business.
My Alan used to love Glen's shanks.
He'd eat 'em all day and night.
Glen Beef.
Good game for a butcher.
Andy Richmond sounds more like a hairdresser.
Alright, cocky legs.
You never know.
He might end up getting your job.
No, then they'd have two head butchers.
It'd be like having two Gordon Ramsays in one kitchen.
Gordon Ramsay? I'm not working with that potty mouth.
All I'm saying is don't get paranoid.
Although it does sound like they want to get rid of you.
Like I say, don't get paranoid.
Chances are it's nothing.
Although it does seem suspicious.
Main thing is, don't get paranoid.
Oh, God.
The bloody fishmongers are coming.
- Sorry, mate, the seats are taken.
- And these.
Smelly buggers.
- There's your receipt and 70.
- Hi, Katie.
Are there any problems that you need me to report? - Erm, yeah, I'm still working at Valco.
- OK.
No, don't write that down.
What's that for? Julie's in charge today and she's given me a lot of responsibilities.
Like fetching her lunch and making her tea? No.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
So there are no problems you would like me to report back to Gavin? - I mean, er, Julie.
- Yeah, there is, actually.
It's the eggs.
Some of the boxes only have five eggs in them.
- Really? - Yeah.
Maybe there's a problem with the hens or something.
I'd better go and tell her.
Definitely.
Make sure she checks every one.
- Yeah, I will, thank you.
- No problem.
Kieran, you're so cruel.
You're gonna fry his little brain.
Come on, then, tea break on me.
- The tea's free.
- Exactly.
On me.
No, Margaret, it's a self-service salad bar.
- People help themselves.
- That'll encourage thieves.
No, it won't.
Obviously, if anyone asks for assistance, you'll help them.
Half these people don't even know what couscous is.
- Is it seeds? - No, it's not seeds.
It's, erm Well, it's Well, I'm not entirely sure.
But just do your best.
- Right, I've got it.
Cosscoos.
- No, couscous.
Erm, Julie, there's a situation.
- Cusscoss.
- No.
Couscous.
Jesus, I don't know how Gavin copes.
I really don't.
Cooscoos.
Margaret, is there something wrong with your ears? Right.
Come on, show me.
Cusscoss.
Cosscuss.
Couscous.
Cuckoos! (laughs) I'm sorry, madam, our eggs are currently out of bounds.
Maybe it's animal activists.
They're quite scary.
They're trouble.
My sister's a vegetarian.
- She's a right slag.
- These ones are alright.
So how many boxes only have five eggs? - I don't know.
- How many have you found? - None.
- What do you mean, none? You told me that there are boxes of eggs with only five eggs in.
Yeah.
Er, I'll have to ask Kieran.
- Kieran? - He told me about this.
Right, get back to what you were doing.
This is all a big joke.
- You can get your eggs now.
- Not this one.
- It's got a feather on it.
- Eurgh.
- Or some shit.
- Eurgh.
Look at that.
Hey, Andy, look at this.
Oh.
It's like a monkey's tea party.
I know.
Beetroot and rice on the same plate.
Not in my house.
And who's gonna eat all them gherkins? - I blame the magazines.
- I'll tell you what it is.
It's another one of them cock-eyed management decisions, that's what it is.
Salad bar one day, getting rid of me the next.
Oh, you don't think they'll replace you, do you, Andy? I don't know.
But of all people, Glen Beef.
That's like slapping me in the face with my own hand.
His wife's not very nice either.
She looks like that woman who put a cat in the bin.
I bet their whole street's probably full of cats in bins.
Yeah.
Aw, try not to worry.
It's probably just one of them how-do-you-dos.
- Do you want an olive? - No, thanks, love.
- I'm too upset to eat.
- Oh - What you looking at? - What you looking at? - Dunno, they don't label shit.
- Do they label stupid bitches? - Dunno.
Ask your mum.
- (laughs) Erm, you get Skype on it.
I can't be arsed with that.
It's just a phone.
You should get one.
Then you can send me picture messages.
Of what? (laughs) In your dreams.
Any more pranks, you two, and you'll have an official warning.
I was only making people look fat.
I'm not talking about your stupid phone.
You told Leighton some waffle about missing eggs.
Well, maybe some people should develop a sense of humour.
Kieran, your little prank could have cost the company a fortune.
Now, quit it or Gavin will come down on you like a ton of bricks.
Uh-oh! Oh! Should have totally got a picture.
Imagine that.
Fat Julie! Shut up.
You just got me bollocked.
Don't worry.
She likes pretending to be boss.
This time next year I want to be trekking in Cambodia, - not signing on cos you got me fired.
- Alright.
And for your information, I do have a sense of humour.
Have you watched every episode of Friends? No? No.
I don't suppose you have.
I like Louise Redknapp.
She's got that girl-next-door look.
She doesn't look like the girl next door to me.
Pam Brady.
She's a fat bitch.
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
A reminder that today's special offer is 50% off all Treat Yourself sticky toffee puddings.
Thank you.
Actually, I think she's getting a gastric band.
- Probably have to use a tyre.
- (both laugh) "Wednesday.
Meeting with Head Office.
" "Bakery inspection.
" "Monday.
Meeting with Julie.
" (email chimes) You little shit! There you go, my love.
It's like that slogan from the X-Files.
Don't ever trust anybody.
There isn't some big conspiracy to get rid of you.
Half the people here don't know your name.
What? There's always been two things people know about this store.
The shit pay and my name.
- See Gavin when he gets back.
- That's another thing.
He's avoiding me.
That's why he's not here.
Doubt I'll see him again, the double-crossing (woman) Excuse me.
This ham isn't sliced properly.
(Andy) I'm sorry about that, love.
Right, from now on no more machine slicing.
We're gonna be proper butchers using proper butcher's tools.
I'd like to see Glen Beef try and run me out of town with this in my hand.
Kieran, a word.
Did you expect me to fall for that email? "Remove all Valco tinned apricots from the shelves due to incorrect expiry date.
" I've no idea what you're talking about.
Oh, really? Head Office wouldn't spell apricots with two Ts.
How thick do you think I am? Whatever you're going on about is nothing to do with me.
- How have I sent you an email? - I know what you can do on your phone.
Impersonating Head Office in an email, Kieran.
- What? - One word, sackable.
Julie, I didn't.
When Gavin gets back, he'll hurl you through the doors.
And your stupid phone.
Excuse me, could you just reach down that bottle of quetila? - What? - The quetila.
(laughs) No, I don't think you want that.
- Why not? - Little story for you.
Been out the other week, only had a few tequilas but the night went well.
You know what I'm talking about? The next day I woke up, and I had to wash these three fingers about 15 times.
- I've had it before.
- Do you know what you want? You want a bottle of this thick, white creamy goodness.
There's a nice little ribbon so the missus will love that.
- Where's your manager? - Erm I think he's in Manchester at the minute.
Bloody useless.
- I told you.
- No, I swear, it weren't me.
It must've actually come from Head Office.
- You had it coming to you.
- She can't accuse me of this.
I feel like the boy who cried wolf.
What happened to him in the end? Didn't they cut his tail off? Tail? He was a boy, you idiot.
- Wasn't he a wolf in disguise? - No, but he was a bell-end too.
Out-of-date apricots.
What am I gonna do? I might get fired for not lying.
Come on, Katie, give us a hand.
Please.
Double As, ã4.
99.
- Leighton, we need your help.
- What is it? Apricots need shifting off the shelves.
You can't get me again.
We need to take all the Valco apricots off the shelves.
You can't get me twice.
I'm not the boy who cried wolf.
Why would that make you the boy that cried wolf? - Did nobody learn this at school? - Yes.
They cut off his tail.
He didn't have a tail! Come on, move.
- Colin, would you give us a hand? - Fuck off.
That's what you get with me, mate.
A real butcher using real butcher's tools.
Hey, I'll even kill the pig myself if you want.
I'm only joking.
"Dear Gavin.
" No.
"Hey, Gavin.
You OK?" "I'm OK.
" "LOL.
" They think they can just replace me, that's the thing.
They think they can just take me out and brush me under the carpet.
I'll tell you, there isn't a carpet in the world big enough to brush me under.
(gasps) (groans) Oh! Beetroot.
Last time I had that, it made my piss pink.
Give us a clue.
No, go on.
Alright.
Erm Four-legged animals, four letters, and it ends in S.
- Pigs.
- Pigs.
Or dogs.
- Or cats.
What about bats? - Will you make up your mind? Put dogs.
It's usually dogs.
- Have you put dogs? - Yes! Hang on, don't they normally give you the answers at the bottom upside down? Oh, yeah.
- It was pigs.
- Told you it was pigs.
Taking my break on my own next time.
- Well, maybe you should.
- Maybe I should.
Look at the time.
We'd better get back.
- God, yeah.
- Want your paper? - Yeah, ta, love.
- You're welcome.
- Are you being rude to me, Neil? - No.
- Good meeting, Gavin? - Oh, yes, yes.
All good.
Some very exciting improvements we're going to be making across all the stores.
Goodness.
It's like we're in the air force.
Yes, captain.
So, no problems, then? No.
But I'm more than happy to hand you back the reins.
(clicks tongue) Now, what was it about these apricots? Everything get sorted? - Pardon? - I've only just got my messages.
I don't use my phone while I'm driving.
Head Office said they'd asked you to remove all home-brand apricots.
That was it, yes.
Apricots.
OK, good.
So we're all clear? - Of the apricots? - Yeah.
Funny things, aren't they, apricots? Like, erm, orange plums.
(laughs) I can't believe people actually buy them.
Do they buy them? You'd be surprised.
Some people go absolutely crazy for apricots.
We once sold over 227 units in one day.
Christ! That's a lot.
Sorry to interrupt you both.
This is just to let you know that Kieran, Katie and I have removed all the apricots.
- What? - As you asked.
Oh.
Good.
( Gavin) Yes, good stuff, Leighton.
Well done, Julie.
Right, back at it.
Gavin.
- Did you get my text earlier? - Oh, yes, yes.
Yes, I did.
Thank you, Julie.
Great.
You might as well give it to Beef, Gavin.
I'm no butcher.
He's the master of the sword.
Me, nearly took my thumb off.
Sorry, Andy, my head is still buzzing from the M60.
- Say that again? - Glen Beef.
It's alright, I understand.
The best man won.
I'll go and pack my aprons.
Oh, well, now listen.
If you're referring to Glen's interview, then he wasn't applying for your job.
He came in about a security guard position.
What? Security guard? Well, I had to let go of Len.
I mean, he was constantly touching his his - His bollocks.
- Quite.
Although Glen seemed capable enough, I think he can be a little hot headed.
Exactly.
I hate that little git.
I hate him.
So he's definitely not working here? No.
So I can stay? - Well, if you want to.
- Of course, Gavin.
I am there like a rock forever till I die.
Till we all die.
Good.
You'd best get that thumb seen to.
Yeah, of course.
I hate sight of blood.
Oh, you know, it's not his real name.
- Hey? - Glen Beef's not his real name.
His real name is Glen Stone.
Glen Stone? Bloody hell! It's like you just yanked Batman's mask off.
(laughs) Glen Stone.
What a wanker.
(Kieran) Ta-da! Mega muffin.
- You did save my arse, after all.
- Get in.
Oh, heads up.
You know, I haven't forgotten about you making me go on a wild-egg chase.
But, well, regarding the apricots, I guess you put things right.
Alright, then.
Well, cheers.
- And sorry about the eggs thing.
- Let's just forget about it.
So, friends? Yes, I guess.
Friends.
Great.
I like all friends to be in my address book.
Don't.
I haven't got any lippy on! You didn't.
Check it out.
Fat Julie.
(whistles) Somebody's happy, Andy, and I think it's you.
I am indeed, Maggie.
Let's just say Glen Beef won't be poking his bonce around here any more.
If he does, I'll stick it in that mincer.
Well, with that bandage, you look like a proper boxer.
Frank Bruno.
What can I say? It's just great to be back here doing the job I love.
Right.
What time are we finishing? (laughs)