Two Doors Down (2016) s01e04 Episode Script

1 Springwatch starts on Sunday, 23rd of May on BBC Two.
Oh, fuck.
Hello.
- Oh, it's me.
- Oh, hello, Me.
Listen, what about a short-sleeved shirt? - What about it? - For your birthday.
Heck, you no thought about me long sleeves.
Eric, you need a short-sleeve shirt.
Look, Beth, I've told you.
You don't have to bother.
I don't want anything.
Oh, they've got some nice linen ones.
I've got a linen shirt.
- What, that stripey one? - Uh-huh.
- No, that is horrendous.
- What's wrong with it? You look like Jocky Wilson on safari.
Listen, I told you, I don't want anything.
- Or a fleece.
- I don't Oh, or a body warmer.
They've got reversible body warmers.
And what am I gonna do with one of them? Um, turn it inside out? Honestly, Beth, you don't need to worry.
It's fine.
The best present you can get me is a bit of bloody peace and quiet.
That'll do me.
I don't know why I bother, honestly.
See you later.
Aye, see you later.
No hurry, take your time.
Eggheads in 45 minutes, but before that Oh, dear God.
We've come to talk to you about the role of religion in your life.
It's funny you should say that.
I was just saying a wee prayer to myself on the way to the door.
Unfortunately, it was nae answered.
Oh, are we interrupting you having your dinner? - Well - What are you having? Oh, just a shepherd's pie thing.
Oh, gads.
I've no long just had mine, isn't that right, Cath? Aye, cooked him a steak.
- She did.
- Rib-eye.
It was beautiful.
Wee pool of blood round it.
I said to Cath when she put it down, "A good vet could get that back on his feet.
" - Where's Beth? - Er, she's at the shops.
Oh, late night shopping? Why did she not say? I could have gone with her.
Eric What's this? Now, I know it's not till tomorrow, but That's from us.
- Happy Birthday, Eric.
- Oh Oh Oh, you didn't need to, honestly.
We wanted to.
Well, she did.
I'd forgotten all about it.
I always remember your birthday, Eric.
It's exactly nine days before the date we had the Alsatians put down.
Now, I know we usually get together on your birthday.
But this year, unfortunately, we can't.
Aw, that's a shame.
We're away sailing tomorrow, aren't we, Col? Sailing.
That's right.
On a boat.
On the sea.
On a boat, on the sea.
All right.
Huh.
Well, it's It's very kind, but you shouldn't have bothered, honestly.
- Do you no wanna see what it is? - I kinda know what it is.
But do you know? Could be anything in there.
Well, let's have a look.
What is it? What's in the bag? Here, let me look.
Oh.
A beautiful bottle of wine.
Now, you'll enjoy that.
It's kind of fruity, but it's not too fruity, It's smoky, but not too smoky, and it's It's woody but Well, anyway A glass of that along with a tin of macaroni, it's beautiful.
Actually, I'm not drinking at the moment.
Say again? I'm off the drink.
- You're not drinking? - No.
- You're not drinking anything? - Nope.
Not even a beer in the morning? There's more calories in booze than there is in food.
- You're not drinking anything? - My doctor said to try it.
I've lost three pounds already.
Really? And here's us, bringing you a bottle of wine.
Dear me.
Well, never mind.
I mean, you can keep it for a special occasion, like a Like a celebration, can't he, Cath? Aye, like when he starts drinking again.
Here, you get it, Eric.
We'll sit down.
- Hiya, Dad - Oh, it's you.
- Hello, Mr Baird.
- Hi.
- We just came to drop this off.
- All right.
Oh, look who it is.
Hi, Ian.
Hiya, Jaz.
- Jaz, have you had your teeth whitened? - Uh - Come on, Come on through.
Choo-choo! - I Oh, Jaz, you're so cuddly.
Look at the two of you, cuddly little gay things.
Oh, we're not interrupting your dinner, are we? No, no, you're all right.
Her mince is awful salty.
You two want something to drink? You got a beer? No.
No got any beers.
Oh, of course.
You're off it.
- Are you not drinking, Mr Baird? - Not at the moment.
You've got wine, Eric.
Want a wee glass of wine, Ian? Aye.
I'll take a glass of wine.
- Jaz? - No, I'm driving.
You sure? I've got some peppermints in my bag.
How many days has it been now, Mr Baird? I've got an uncle that's in AA.
He's doing really well.
He's not wet the bed in three years.
Eh, no.
I'm just doing it to lose a bit of weight.
'Course you are.
Go and get a bottle opener, Eric.
My liver thinks my throat's been cut.
Thanks, driver.
As I say, a sad, sad day, but a lovely buffet.
In fact, if you'll take a tip from me, you get yourself back down there.
There's gonna be a lot of folk wanting taxis.
Maybe put some plastic down in the back.
Single malts on top of a lot of pan bread, know what I mean? Right, Mum.
Come on.
Right you are, driver.
Thank you.
What a lovely day.
That service was heart-breaking.
Did you see her to my left, roaring and greeting into the hanky? She seemed to settle quite quick when they pulled the foil off that buffet, eh? Oh, come on.
I'm getting gooseberries off a that.
And sort of vanilla tones.
Are you, Cath? Oh, yeah.
What about you, Ian? It's all right, yeah.
Quite nice.
Eric, how's yours? Fizzy.
Did I tell you? I gave up the drink once.
- Did you? - Aye.
- I felt great.
- What made you start again? I met Cathy.
I always said that she had money.
Apparently, that nephew of hers was round her like a sand fly.
- Mum, please.
- Heartless bastard.
And I will tell him that to his face when I'm down there tomorrow picking up that gravy boat the sister promised me.
What time is it? It's still early.
Why don't we go and say a quick hello to Beth? Oh, no.
Oh, she'll be desperate to see that selfie you took of me with the hearse.
Come on.
You sure you're not wanting a wee dribble, Jaz, yeah? No, I can't.
Honestly, I'm driving.
Oh, get a taxi.
Oh, leave him, Cath.
He can get a bit of Eric's Fanta.
I tell you, they're like hawks, these policemen, when it comes to drink driving.
Oh, they are.
I got stopped and breathalysed last year on the way back from the airport.
- Remember, when we'd been to Florida? - I remember.
Luckily, I had been refused alcohol on the plane so I was just under.
Hello, Eric.
Christ, is it Halloween? We've been to a funeral, Eric.
- Oh, uh I'm sorry.
- It's all right.
It was a very emotional day, wasn't it, Sophie? - Yep.
- Still, it was her time.
Was it someone very close? Aye, it was a cousin of my mother's.
The pair of them were like that, so they were.
So I says to Sophie, "This is not gonna be easy, "but you and me are gonna get down there "to represent the family and pay our respects to Irene.
" - Isabelle.
- Isabelle.
- Is Beth in, no? - Uh, no, no, she's at That's all right.
I'll just let myself Oh, you've got a houseful.
If I'd had known that Well, I'd probably still have come across.
Hello, everybody.
- Have you been to a funeral, Christine? - Yes, I have, indeed.
Oh, has someone died? No, we bury folk alive here in Scotland.
Don't you know? - Whose was it? - Some woman my gran knew.
It was a nightmare.
I have been there since 10:00 this morning.
A sad day, Cathy.
Sophie, where is that order of service? To talk Cathy through it.
Full Latin mass, Cathy.
My arse was fucking numb.
Cath, a wee top-up? Eric? Uh No, no, I'm I'm fine with the orange.
Oh, what's the matter wi' you? - He's on the wagon.
- Why on the wagon, Eric? I just decided to lay off it for a while.
My uncle was always trying to stop but he couldn't control it.
Ah, well, if it is making you fat, making you spit when you talk, why not? I've said for years that you've had a problem.
I don't have a problem.
Honestly, that's exactly what he used to say.
How come you're having to stop, then? I'm just taking a break from it.
How long you taking a break from it for? - I don't know.
- You'll have one tomorrow, though? - Yeah, probably a wee one.
- That's not much a break, that.
Well, that's the end of that.
Open another one.
Aye.
You got anything else, Eric? Oh, here, Eric Take that out to the road, will you? It's giving me the boak.
I didn't know there was food on the go.
Mind you, we had quite a bit at that buffet.
I'll maybe take some crisps or something, Eric.
What about you, Sophie? You want a roll? - No, thanks.
- No, she's fine.
But I'll take one with cheese.
No, ham.
No, cheese and ham.
Oh, I see someone's enjoying themselves.
Aye.
But it's no me.
I thought you were having a quiet night.
I was.
Eric, Christine's roll.
Quiche, baby chicken satay on skewers, sausage rolls, all to the left.
Then your sub rolls with tuna mayonnaise, roast beef and horseradish, egg and onion, all to the right, wasn't it, Sophie? I'm just gonna go to the toilet.
She's taken it awfully so.
She's hardly said a word all day, poor thing.
Oh, were they quite close? Who? - Hi, Sophie.
- Hi, Mrs Baird, is it OK if I use your toilet? Of course, on you go.
Ah, there she is.
- Hiya, Beth.
- Beth You'll never guess who got planted the day.
Oh, Beth, show us what you got.
Hey, you, you bandit, wind your neck in.
I was talking to her.
I'll give you a clue.
It's not Pat from across the back.
She's still with us.
Mind you, going by the looks of her, I think I better keep this frock to the front of my wardrobe.
So, who was it? - Isabelle.
- Who's Isabelle? A cousin of my mother's.
Well, when I say cousin So I said to Sophie, "This is our chance to say our goodbyes.
"And to give Irene the respect that she deserves.
" - Isabelle.
- Isabelle, that's right.
- Colin.
- Oh, hang on.
Let me finish the decent stuff first.
Mmm.
Right, fire it in.
Ooft.
Reminds me.
I need to be getting diesel for the lawnmower.
Oh, wow.
Wowie.
Oh, it's just a wee thing.
I had no idea what to get.
You're a nightmare to buy for.
I'm a grown man.
I'm no needing bloody birthday presents.
An electronic photo frame.
- Oh, what's this for? - It's Eric's birthday.
When? Today? - Tomorrow.
- Well, happy birthday for tomorrow.
Oh, let's have a wee look.
We were looking at it, weren't we, Cath? - Were we? - Aye.
The dearer ones, though.
- What is it? - It's a digital picture frame.
You transfer all the pictures from your phone to it.
- And then what do you do? - Well, you You look at them.
So, say, I've got a phone, but I don't have any pictures on it.
Well, you wouldn't be able to do it.
Ah, I don't want one then.
What have you two got him? Come on, don't be shy.
I saw you giving it to your dad earlier.
Come on.
- Oh, that's just - There it is.
Ooh! Aw, you might of wrapped it.
An electric blanket? That's the last thing he's needing.
Isn't it, Beth? You said he sweats like a pig as it is.
It's theirs, they lent it to us.
The radiator in our bedroom was knackered so we borrowed it.
We actually forgot it was your birthday.
Oh, don't worry about it.
Ian, that's terrible.
He was always an awfully selfish wee boy, that one.
I gave him vouchers 14 years ago for his Christmas and I'm still waiting on the thank you card.
There's still time.
I could nip along to the garage.
No, no.
You don't need to go to the garage.
Make him go to the garage, Eric.
Go to the garage, Jaz.
Pick me up 20 Silk Cut Silver.
And He could get a bottle of that wine, Col.
- He won't get that in a garage.
- Where'd you get it? - It's Tesco finest.
- Don't bother, Jaz.
No, don't bother.
Just stay where you are.
Oh, boo.
It's fine, you can come round tomorrow.
We're not doing anything.
Cath, Colin, you'll be round tomorrow.
Will you not? - We can't tomorrow, Beth.
- Uh, we're away sailing.
- Sailing? - Yep.
- On a boat.
- On the sea.
On a boat, on the sea.
Here, Jaz, if you're going to the garage, will you bring me a packet of Rennie's? That quiche is coming back on me.
Big lumps of Stilton I'm getting onion as well.
- You OK, Soph? - Come and sit down.
Oh, you poor thing.
It's all right.
She's all right, Christine.
Oh, I know how you're feeling.
Hmm? Every dog we've ever had ended up getting put down and it never gets any easier.
- I really am sorry, Dad.
- It's fine.
Here, Jaz.
There's £1.
20.
Jaz, I'll give you the money when you get back, yeah? - Mrs Baird.
- Hang on a minute, Sophie, love.
Hey, Beth, give that to Jaz.
I don't wanna break a fiver.
He's not going to the garage, Christine.
Why don't we see if we can get a photo on this? Mrs Baird, can I talk to you for just a minute? Hang on a minute, Sophie, love.
Ian, let's get a photo of all of us and see if you can get it onto this.
- Where's your phone? - Where'd you get that, Beth? Did you get it from the wee Chinese place? Oh, that's a great shop, that.
I saw this thing in there.
It was a hand on the end of a stick.
And when you press a button, the hand goes like that.
- And what's it for? - Don't know.
Going like that.
So, who do you want? Oh, take one of me first, Ian, and then get everybody.
I want a photo of you two.
- Us? Uh-huh.
Eric, take a photo of Ian and Jaz.
Jaz, come on.
Ian, give your phone to your dad.
Eh, right.
Where are we with this? Uh, the big red button in the middle, down at the bottom.
Closer in.
Oh, just, if you move your finger a bit Oh, say cheese.
Cheese! Beth, here.
They're starting to dress quite similar, aren't they? That's what happens.
Same way as folks start to look like their dogs.
There, that's it.
Right.
Put this into that Um, yeah.
- Aw - Well, that's pretty good, innit? Well, take another one.
Take one of all the family.
Oh, we got one of them done professionally, didn't we, Sophie? Remember, when you were a wee baby? Oh, wee baby Sophie.
Did you no get one of them done? What happened to you? Well, we We did get one done.
But it didn't Uh, it didn't come out right.
We just decided we were fine with what we had.
Yeah, we just decided to leave it.
That's a bit of a waste.
Oh, well, you know, one of those things.
They didn't still charge you for it, though, did they? Erm, I can't remember.
Did we pay? I think we paid something.
Uh, don't ask me.
Well, they made you pay for the picture, but you still never got it? No, no.
We did get it.
We just decided not to, erm - Not to Not to put it up.
- Not to put it up, that's right.
- Anyway - Well, have you still got it? - Oh, I'd love to see it.
- I'd love to see it, too, Jaz.
Go on, Eric.
Go and get it.
No, I don't Listen I don't even know where it is.
Wouldn't be able to find it in a million years.
Come on, you paid all that money.
Watch where you're stepping.
I can't believe this.
I've still not had any dinner.
Just get on with it.
By here, he's enjoying himself.
Aren't you, son? - There you go.
- Are you not driving? Oh, he's all right.
He's got his SatNav.
Sophie, do you want a glass? No, thanks.
I'm not wanting anything.
- You're allowed.
- No.
She's taken it bad right enough, eh? Oh, here he is.
Oh, and he's got it.
Here, Eric, do you want a wee No, come on, now, Colin.
He's on the wagon.
Eric, come on, bring it in.
Bring it in.
Come on, let's get a look at it.
- Come on, Eric.
- All right, come on.
Right, shush, everybody.
Shush.
Oh, here.
That's no bad.
Oh, Beth.
Look at your hair.
Boy, oh, boy.
You've not half piled, on the beef, Eric.
Oh, look at you there.
- Don't.
- What? You look so cute.
What's that there? It's just a sticker thing that Ian put on it.
Why'd you put it there? Basically, the photographer Unfortunately, um The way the guy set the shot You ended up being able to see, uh, a bit of my - Your willy? - No! Well, sort of.
More like my What? Your balls? Aye, a bit of them.
One of them.
You could see one of them.
Well, we think it's one of them.
There's something, anyway, in amongst the hair.
All right.
All right.
Look at this sticker, Colin.
Look, look.
What is it? It's a footballer.
Who is that? Let's get a look.
God, it's Ally McCoist.
Look, Ally McCoist's stuck to your balls.
I bet you wouldn't mind that, Ian.
It's a bloody disgrace, I mean I don't know how the guy didn't notice it.
Cathy, leave it.
No wonder you didn't put it up? Who'd want that over the mantelpiece.
What about Hilarious.
She's pissing herself.
So she is.
Cathy.
You all right, Cath? Come on, now, Cath.
Come on, let's get you into the kitchen.
What a shame.
I know.
Eric, give us over her wine, eh? Just Cathy, what on earth is the matter? - What's going on? - We're not going sailing.
Oh, well, I mean, that's disappointing.
But surely We said we were going sailing.
On a boat, on the sea.
But we're not.
We're going to see the consultant at the fertility place.
I don't think it's gonna be good news, Beth.
Oh, come on now, Cath.
You don't know that for sure until you go and talk to them.
Well, actually, I do.
- How come? - I phoned them.
I couldn't wait and I phoned them.
Oh, Beth - Promise you won't say anything.
- Well, of course not, Cathy.
It's your business and nobody needs to know.
What happens is, they give you a wee cup, right? And you go into this wee room, and Well, that's you.
I mean, you You've gotta do the biz.
But what happens if you cannae? Mum, please.
No, no, that's all right.
Eh, well There's things in there, Christine.
You know, they've got They've got things in there to To help you.
- What things? - Oh, Mum.
I'm just asking.
Well, it's just things to help, eh Stimulate you.
Oh, like whatchamacallits Fluffers.
So, what exactly did they say when you phoned? Just a load of stuff about not being able to give out information over the phone and Something about harassment.
And then Eventually, she just said they were really sorry, but because of my age and, uh, various other factors that We'd reached the end of the road.
Oh, Cathy, I'm so sorry.
I'd have made such a good mum, Beth.
How's Colin about it? Colin doesn't know.
I've not told him yet.
- Well, do you not think - I will.
Later, when it's just the two of us.
You know what my Colin's like.
He's a very private person.
So, I'm sat in the corridor.
It's It's like death row.
Except, there's You know, there's tea and coffee.
And the next thing, the wee consultant guy, he calls me in and he says, er, "You know, Mr White, we have never seen anything like it.
" And I was like that, "Oh, dear.
" He says, "No, no.
" He says He says, "Everything's fine your end.
"In fact, it's more than fine.
"Your stuff is practically jumping out the cup.
" Listen, there are millions of women who don't have children living perfectly happy lives.
It's all I've ever wanted, Beth.
- I know.
- A little baby Colin.
A tiny Colin, running around.
Wouldn't that be amazing? I mean, having babies, that's the point of living.
It's just the shock at the minute, Cathy.
- Yeah, you're right.
- Still got Colin.
Yeah.
You've got your friends.
You got me.
All right.
Having a family isn't the be-all and end-all.
You've got a whole life ahead of you to look forward to, Cathy.
Oh, thanks, Beth.
Oh Now I know I'm not gonna have to breastfeed him, I'm definitely gonna get implants for Christmas.
Mum.
Mum, come on, we need to go.
Oh, shush.
I'm enjoying myself.
It's not very often that I get the chance to get out of the house and get a bit of company.
And besides, I reckon this is gonna end up in a screaming match and I'm buggered if I'm gonna miss that.
Hello.
- Are you OK, Cathy? - Oh, yeah, I'm fine.
It's just, um Cathy was just telling me about this sailing trip she's going on.
- Colin was just telling us about his - Oh, why don't we Take a nice picture of us all and put it on your digital frame thing? Oh, yeah.
Birthday picture.
- Hey, that's a great idea.
- Right, everyone squeeze in on the sofa.
- Birthday boy, you in the middle.
- Right, there you are.
Oh, here.
Mind you keep your legs shut this time, Eric.
Aye, all right.
I'm just gonna head home.
- Sophie, stay for the photo.
- Yeah, stay for the photo, Soph.
Oh, my God.
I'll tell you this.
I have enjoyed this tonight.
In fact, the whole day has been super.
It really has.
Nothing is happening.
Just wait a few seconds and then it'll do it.
- Thank you.
- Here we are.
Huh.
Bit weird.
- What's wrong with it? Christine's smiling, is she? What's that wee dick saying now? Let me see it.
That's all right.
Oh, that's a hell of a sheen off your forehead, Eric.
Here, Jaz, take one of us.
Take one of the mums, eh? Come on, Beth.
There, up, up.
Come on.
Here, Cathy, you come in on this as well.
- Uh, no.
I'm - Come on, Cathy.
Oh, well.
I'll come in, too.
No, no.
This is just for the mums.
And Cathy.
Christine.
Well, she's working on it.
Aren't you, Cathy? Oh, here.
You better get my good side, eh? Oh no.
Sophie, you take it.
- Sophie knows how to take me.
- No, no, no.
No, I'll just come in for it.
- It's mums, isn't it? - Uh-huh.
Well, I'll just come in for it then.
- But you're not a mum.
- Well, not yet, I'm not.
But I will be soon.
I'm pregnant.
Beth.
Beth! Oh - Mr Baird.
- Yes.
- You brought in Christine O'Neil.
- Aye.
They've got her sedated and they're just gonna keep an eye on her for the time being.
That's good.
Can I take some details from you, in the meantime? - Of course.
- Name, please.
Eric Baird.
- Your relation to patient? - Friend.
Uh, no.
Neighbour.
And your date of birth? It is 6th of 5th, '53.
Great 6, 5 Oh, that So it is.
Happy birthday.