Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015) s01e04 Episode Script
Kimmy Goes to the Doctor!
1 I can't believe what people just leave on the street.
You mean trash? Why would someone throw out a perfectly good TV? Ariel, this thingamabob is not gonna work.
Ever since I stopped paying my cable bill, my TV's just been a conversation piece.
People say, "Titus, why do you have a nonworking television in your house?" And then the magic begins.
Good job, little girl.
I knew you could do it, because you believed in yourself.
I know! But Titus doubted me.
- What channel is this? - Don't worry about it.
Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it But females are strong as hell Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it That's gonna be, uh you know, a fascinating transition.
Damn it It smells like lavender, oh, and the beach.
Yeah, it would be a great place to bring a baby.
Yeah.
Ew.
Buhbreeze.
Cover it up, it's fine.
Jeez, do people not clean their homes in the future? Stop calling this "the future.
" What did you talk about? You were interviewing her out in the open? You don't think my boss has something to do with that missing girl, do you? Turn it off.
Turn off the TV.
But I'm watching Law Squiggle Order! I said turn it off.
That man is my nemesis.
Richard Belzer? He seems so nice.
No, him.
The dollar-store version of this.
Kimmy's professional work phone.
Hey, Kimmy, it's me.
- Who? - Cyndee Pokorny.
From the bunker? Cyndee, hi.
- How did you get this number? - I got the letter you sent me.
What letter? It's on Barbie stationery.
It has pizza grease on it.
I'm gonna kill you.
- So how are you? - Yeah, real good.
You know, sometimes I get mad for no reason.
Like, the other day, I smashed one of those Oh, gosh, what are they called? Kia Sorrentos.
And last night I had a dream that Reverend Richard was chasing me, and then I turned around, and his face was the baby from Full House.
Oh, that's terrible.
But other than that, real good.
Hey, I should come visit you sometime.
Uh, yeah, maybe.
Uh, listen, I got to get ready for work, so Oh, okay.
- Bye.
- So bye.
Why would you send that letter? I had to call for backup.
You won't talk to me.
You say I don't understand, but I knew who would is another one of your goopy-doops.
My what? You don't like it when I say "Mole Women.
" Yeah, 'cause that's our word.
You wouldn't like it if I said Hold! Titus, I'm fine.
I don't need to talk about it.
Kimmy, you yell in your sleep.
You bite my nails.
And we still don't know why you're afraid of Velcro.
Aah! Hi, Mrs.
Voorhees.
Shut up, Vera.
Are you praying? - Do you need a bucket? - This is a Joy Pose.
It's scientifically proven that if you look good on the outside, you actually become confident and happy.
It's called outside-in living, Kimmy.
And I have bought two books on it.
I've been doing that my whole life.
Smile until you feel better.
I call it "Kimmying.
" Watch.
Oh, Kimmy, you can cancel those reservations at Le Gargámel.
Mr.
Voorhees called, and he won't be coming back for another six weeks.
Oh, I'm sorry.
About what? I've already forgotten about it.
Oh, can you try Dr.
Franff's office and see if he can squeeze me in today? Okay.
Also, see if they have an appointment.
And the school called.
They need a photo of you for Buckley's caregiver ID.
Apparently, all these days that you've been picking him up, they've been marking him down as "abducted.
" Oh, boy, okay.
I don't really have a recent picture of myself.
Is there a Sears near here? Ew.
No.
Just take a selfie and email it to me.
A selfie.
Yes.
What is that? Are you serious? You just reverse the camera and press the button.
Oh, no.
No, you have to hold the camera high to keep your chin up.
Then make a kissy mouth.
Then think about baby ducks, so your eyes look kind.
And squeeze in your arm to push up your cleavage.
Is this what my face looks like now? That's what I say when I look in the mirror every morning.
You know, when I used to get really sad in the place where I used to live, I would smile and jump up and down and say, "I'm not really here.
I'm not really here.
" Oh, I don't know that one.
I'm not really here.
I'm not really here.
You have enough for a book here.
I'm not really here! I'm not really here! Oh, God.
Why? Buhbreeze.
Cover it up.
Earlier today, tragedy striking the new musical Spidermen Too: 2 Many Spidermen, the show billed as "the most flying Spidermen ever assembled on one stage.
" Change the channel.
I can't get news from a woman.
This afternoon, six cast members were critically injured at the hands of Spiderman's greatest foes Gravity and floors.
In true Broadway fashion, producers insist that the injured actors will be replaced and the show will go on.
This is it.
This is my chance.
Are you kidding me? That show is a death sentence.
Exactly.
Most actors will be scared away, but not Titus Andromedon, whose biggest credit to date is that Bum Fights DVD.
I could actually get a part on Broadway.
I can't support this.
I will not bury another beautiful black man.
You know my dear husband Roland was killed in our very own apartment.
Yes, I've heard this story before.
He got up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, and on his way back to bed, he was shot in the face.
By you, Lillian.
Well, it was dark out, and a black guy was trying to get in bed with me.
It was the '70s.
Point is, I will have nothing to do with this audition of yours.
Fine.
I'll get Kimmy to help me.
Who needs you, anyway? Can I borrow $5, a lint brush, a stick of gum, and your shoes? Yeah.
Listen, Kimmy, 'cause I only have the blood sugar to say this once.
If I'm going to get an audition, I need head shots that show range, specifically, a fine composite head shot like this flawless one of Tony Danza that I borrowed from my dry cleaners.
Whoa.
We only have one shot at this.
I will have approximately three seconds between flashes to transform characters.
As soon as you see the light, you hand me the next costume, even if I scream no.
Even if I beg you to stop, hand me the next costume.
See you on the other side.
No! This is impossible.
The beard.
You're looking at a genius.
Oh Mrs.
Voorhees, have you sent that selfie of me? Can we use this one I made at the arcade instead? It's what my and Titus's baby would look like.
Oh, that's upsetting.
What's wrong with your other picture? I don't like it.
I didn't realize how old I look now.
You don't know what you look like? How do you know your self-worth? I guess I just was never one of those girls who looked in the mirror all the time.
Your hair is brown with different brown in it.
Your eyes are green with grayish flecks.
And your nose is super skinny.
Yay! Hey, Kimmy, you want me to be your mirror now? Nah, I'm good.
I can see myself if I move fast enough.
Ugh, now I can't stop looking at these lines here.
I hate them.
Outside in, Kimmy.
I don't have time right now.
Dr.
Franff said called and said he could see me immediately, so I'm heading over.
Carry my purse and this bag with sneakers.
Oh, no, what's wrong? I don't know, but whatever it is, I'm sure he'll figure it out.
Dr.
Franff is the best plastic surgeon in Manhattan.
Sidney built Mariah Carey from scratch.
- Excuse me? - Mm-hmm? Is this the line for Spidermen auditions? Yep, can you believe all these weirdos.
Well, well, well this is rich.
Coriolanus Burt I haven't seen you in years.
No? You didn't catch my turn on SVU? I must've blinked and missed it.
Really? You missed my performance as the guy who, at the end, turned out to have done it? Look at us Me just passing by on my way to tape a podcast and you standing in line for an open call for a play directed by the third Affleck brother Myron.
Look, my agent set this up Titus, if you're in this line, you don't have an agent.
Excuse me, I have to take this.
Hello? Yes, I am happy with my long-distance service very happy.
Wait, the sign says "Dr.
Grant.
" Yes, but Sid pronounces it "Franff.
" These people are already pretty.
Why are they even here? Look at her hands.
Mm-hmm.
- Would you like a water? - Yes.
No, thank you.
Plastic surgeons look at feet? Oh, yes.
Feet are the new butts, Kimmy.
Dr.
Franff is here.
Jacqueline, you look fantastic.
Thank you, Sidney.
Would you like TV while we work? What do you want to watch? CNN, pornography? No, Thank you, Sidney.
I don't have time for the works today.
I just wanted to talk to you about my toes.
As you know, Julian loves my feet, for sex reasons.
I'm just not feeling good about them for some reason.
Well, we can do a toenail re-sizing.
You can have a foot face-lift, or you can toe tuck them.
- Well, which do you recommend? - I cannot choose.
That's like asking me which one of my children's placentas was the most delicious.
Hold on.
Who's this? What interesting skin you have.
- Oh.
- Look at that.
Thank you.
Absolutely no sun damage.
But you've clearly experienced a tremendous amount of stress.
What? Are you a coal miner, submarine captain? - No.
- Huh.
Because you have very distinct scream lines.
Where did those come from, I wonder.
I don't know.
Too many fun roller coasters maybe? Either way, your problems are easy to fig.
This brow furrow, zap.
And these frown lines, we'll flump-up, you know.
- Oh, I don't need all that.
- Oh.
Who am I? Pamela Lee? What about those scream lines, Kimmy? I know they were bothering you.
Those, we can inject with the R.
E.
O.
cream, and instantly gone.
- You can do that? - Yeah.
Of course he or she can.
I can do that right now.
Do it.
Oh, Kimmy, I'm so excited for you.
Joy comes from the outside in.
- What, dear? - I'm sorry? I'm sorry.
I still don't have it.
Pardon? I was saying that we now validate parking, if that's important to you guys at all.
Oh.
Oh, who's that girl? What? I didn't do anything? Got some sun but I'm not talking to you, dear.
I'm watching Jeopardy! The category is "Worst Madonna Songs.
" This 1987 one is terrible.
That was humiliating.
I'm never auditioning again.
Aw, did you screw the pooch? Know how that expression originated? It wasn't anything clever at all.
There was this guy and a dog Lillian, I'm trying to tell a story.
So there I am, standing in line for this cattle call, and I run into Coriolanus Burt.
Oh, no! Right? My nemesis, the man who stole my career.
When I first moved here, they were doing an all-black production of Oklahoma! Called Alabama! Coriolanus Burt and I went head-to-head, down to the final call-back, for the role of Sharecropper Number Two/Cow.
Just as I was about to hit the women's high C in People Will Say We's in Love, Coriolanus runs on stage and yells, "Oh, my God.
They shot Versace.
" I mean, rude! - And guess who got the part? - You? A third party that wasn't in the story? No! That should have been my big break.
And now he's walking around in shoes and socks like a big shot.
And look at me Talented, dashing, transcending, but no career, no agent, and just the one sock.
It isn't good to hold on to things like that.
You have to work from the outside in.
I mean, if I can get rid of my scream lines Diva, I thought you looked real rested.
Then anything is possible.
Tomorrow we are going to put on our fanciest clothes, go down to the biggest agency, and do a series of leg and arm poses to project confidence and get you an agent.
All right! I'll try it.
He's here to see an agent, please.
What are we doing exactly? Trust me.
If you're confident on the outside, good things will happen.
I don't know.
Why are you keeping this important man waiting? Right this way.
- Would you like a water? - No, thanks.
I hope he does well in there.
He prepared a monologue from an episode of Maury where this guy was afraid of peaches.
No, Maury.
Get them away from me! The fuzz! The fuzz! I like you, Titus.
We represent Myron Affleck.
I want you to read for his Spidermen musical.
Get Myron on the phone.
Try the pay phone first.
If he's not there, try the car, where he lives.
Pardon my French, but, Au bon pain! How do I know you? You don't.
No, no, no, no, no.
I've seen your face before.
Are you the girl from The Bachelor whose butt prolapsed? No, I'm not.
You've never seen me.
Oh, you're one of those girls from Indiana the Mole Women.
Have you discussed life rights, reality show, porno? The Hole Women? Just saying.
Do you remember New Jersey Tanning Mom? - I can do that for you.
- Do what? Get your face everywhere Magazines, talk shows, a show where you and Flavor Flav drive across country staying in haunted B&Bs.
You are crushing it, Joshie! You know it, Joshie! I want a whole new face.
I have some.
Next.
Titus Andromedon, Kinetic Talent, reading for the role of Spiderman Number 12 All right, hit it, hot shot.
And I will crush that Spiderman And then that other Spiderman And all the Spidermen Till I'm the Spiderman Five, six, seven, eight.
Let's try you in the flying rig, guy.
Oh, my balls! My balls! My ball I'm sorry, Myron, what are you looking for here? We just want to see if you can continue acting after being struck by a falling Spiderman.
Look, there they are.
All 50 Spidermen! All right, thank you, pal.
Are you all set? Oh, that's good, then.
Parched.
All right, what do you want to watch? I like judge shows.
Oh, all righty.
Now, Kimmy, I want you to count backwards from ten.
- Okay.
- Ten nine, eight Smells great.
Like a meadow.
I'd be happy if I died here.
Wait.
Is that the bunker? Reverend Richard? Full House baby? Buhbreeze.
What? - You're still crazy! - No! Kimmy, dear, I need you to be still.
Buhbreeze.
Won't fix your insides.
Why is she not asleep? 'Cause I'm fighting through it.
This is wrong.
I'm just Buhbreezing my problems.
She's as strong as a horse, which reminds me, we've got to rebook Mrs.
Cohen.
Aah! Ouch I assume.
My friends, listen, changing your outside isn't going to fix what's wrong inside.
We're just covering up our problems.
In order to fix ourselves, we have to start right here.
Find that small unbreakable you inside yourself and I got to go.
Bye.
Mrs.
Voorhees? Oh, Kimmy, thank God you're here.
I need you to keep this ice fresh until my toes set.
No.
This isn't about your feet.
You're just Buhbreezing your problems! You'll have to speak up, dear.
They took part of my ear and put it in my foot.
Listen, outside-in doesn't work.
You could have the most beautiful feet in the world How? Tell me.
Is it more surgery? But it wouldn't fix what's really wrong.
You're unhappy about your marriage.
You can smile and pose all you want, but that's not going to change.
I'm not really here! I'm not really here! Yes, you are.
No! I'm not ready.
Look.
I look so sad.
- What filter is this? - None.
Hashbrown, no filter.
That's you, Mrs.
Voorhees.
That's your real selfie.
I don't know what to do, Kimmy.
Julian left Tokyo for Beijing.
He won't take my calls.
If you think your husband's cheating on you, you have to confront him.
I have to go to China.
Yes, you can do this.
Oh! Oh! In the morning.
How did the auditions go? Amazing.
For more information, press one.
Beep! I had just completed my audition, when the director himself stood up and asked me to leave because I did not get the part.
But who did I see on my way out? Just talk to the director.
Please, just What are you doing here? Are you auditioning for this? Please.
I just left something in my dressing room from when I starred in this theater's last production of Tony Danza's Big Fat Italian One-Man Christmas Carol.
So that's just your natural crotch structure? Titus, wouldn't you like to know My balls! My ball So you didn't get the part, but your enemy did, and you're happy about that? Yes, don't you see? If Coriolanus has to audition for the same humiliating roles as I do, then that part he stole from me wasn't the big break that I thought it was.
Which means your big break still hasn't happened yet.
I'm so happy for you.
I love you both so much, even though I don't always say it.
- Thank you, Lillian.
- Oh, we love you, too.
Huh? No, no, no.
Wheel of Fortune.
I'd like to solve the puzzle, Pat.
"I'm so happy for you.
I love both of you so much, even though I don't always pay it?" Oh, my God, what a moron! - Hello? - Hi.
Yes.
May I please speak to Cyndee, please? I'm sorry, but Cyndee's been missing f Oh, wait Old habit.
Cyndee, phone! - Hello? - It's Kimmy.
I think you should come visit me in New York.
And I will crush That Spiderman And then that other Spiderman And all the Spidermen Till I'm the Spiderman Spidermen, we're at it again This time with 50% more Spidermen Oh, yeah Not quite a bug Not quite a man How do I break out from this Spiderman clan? I want to be proud I don't want to hide Don't trap me in a cup and put me outside With all those other Spidermen, we're at it again This time with even more Spidermen Another 50 Spidermen A trillion spider eyes We may be spiders But we're dropping like Flies Good night, everybody!
You mean trash? Why would someone throw out a perfectly good TV? Ariel, this thingamabob is not gonna work.
Ever since I stopped paying my cable bill, my TV's just been a conversation piece.
People say, "Titus, why do you have a nonworking television in your house?" And then the magic begins.
Good job, little girl.
I knew you could do it, because you believed in yourself.
I know! But Titus doubted me.
- What channel is this? - Don't worry about it.
Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it But females are strong as hell Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it That's gonna be, uh you know, a fascinating transition.
Damn it It smells like lavender, oh, and the beach.
Yeah, it would be a great place to bring a baby.
Yeah.
Ew.
Buhbreeze.
Cover it up, it's fine.
Jeez, do people not clean their homes in the future? Stop calling this "the future.
" What did you talk about? You were interviewing her out in the open? You don't think my boss has something to do with that missing girl, do you? Turn it off.
Turn off the TV.
But I'm watching Law Squiggle Order! I said turn it off.
That man is my nemesis.
Richard Belzer? He seems so nice.
No, him.
The dollar-store version of this.
Kimmy's professional work phone.
Hey, Kimmy, it's me.
- Who? - Cyndee Pokorny.
From the bunker? Cyndee, hi.
- How did you get this number? - I got the letter you sent me.
What letter? It's on Barbie stationery.
It has pizza grease on it.
I'm gonna kill you.
- So how are you? - Yeah, real good.
You know, sometimes I get mad for no reason.
Like, the other day, I smashed one of those Oh, gosh, what are they called? Kia Sorrentos.
And last night I had a dream that Reverend Richard was chasing me, and then I turned around, and his face was the baby from Full House.
Oh, that's terrible.
But other than that, real good.
Hey, I should come visit you sometime.
Uh, yeah, maybe.
Uh, listen, I got to get ready for work, so Oh, okay.
- Bye.
- So bye.
Why would you send that letter? I had to call for backup.
You won't talk to me.
You say I don't understand, but I knew who would is another one of your goopy-doops.
My what? You don't like it when I say "Mole Women.
" Yeah, 'cause that's our word.
You wouldn't like it if I said Hold! Titus, I'm fine.
I don't need to talk about it.
Kimmy, you yell in your sleep.
You bite my nails.
And we still don't know why you're afraid of Velcro.
Aah! Hi, Mrs.
Voorhees.
Shut up, Vera.
Are you praying? - Do you need a bucket? - This is a Joy Pose.
It's scientifically proven that if you look good on the outside, you actually become confident and happy.
It's called outside-in living, Kimmy.
And I have bought two books on it.
I've been doing that my whole life.
Smile until you feel better.
I call it "Kimmying.
" Watch.
Oh, Kimmy, you can cancel those reservations at Le Gargámel.
Mr.
Voorhees called, and he won't be coming back for another six weeks.
Oh, I'm sorry.
About what? I've already forgotten about it.
Oh, can you try Dr.
Franff's office and see if he can squeeze me in today? Okay.
Also, see if they have an appointment.
And the school called.
They need a photo of you for Buckley's caregiver ID.
Apparently, all these days that you've been picking him up, they've been marking him down as "abducted.
" Oh, boy, okay.
I don't really have a recent picture of myself.
Is there a Sears near here? Ew.
No.
Just take a selfie and email it to me.
A selfie.
Yes.
What is that? Are you serious? You just reverse the camera and press the button.
Oh, no.
No, you have to hold the camera high to keep your chin up.
Then make a kissy mouth.
Then think about baby ducks, so your eyes look kind.
And squeeze in your arm to push up your cleavage.
Is this what my face looks like now? That's what I say when I look in the mirror every morning.
You know, when I used to get really sad in the place where I used to live, I would smile and jump up and down and say, "I'm not really here.
I'm not really here.
" Oh, I don't know that one.
I'm not really here.
I'm not really here.
You have enough for a book here.
I'm not really here! I'm not really here! Oh, God.
Why? Buhbreeze.
Cover it up.
Earlier today, tragedy striking the new musical Spidermen Too: 2 Many Spidermen, the show billed as "the most flying Spidermen ever assembled on one stage.
" Change the channel.
I can't get news from a woman.
This afternoon, six cast members were critically injured at the hands of Spiderman's greatest foes Gravity and floors.
In true Broadway fashion, producers insist that the injured actors will be replaced and the show will go on.
This is it.
This is my chance.
Are you kidding me? That show is a death sentence.
Exactly.
Most actors will be scared away, but not Titus Andromedon, whose biggest credit to date is that Bum Fights DVD.
I could actually get a part on Broadway.
I can't support this.
I will not bury another beautiful black man.
You know my dear husband Roland was killed in our very own apartment.
Yes, I've heard this story before.
He got up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, and on his way back to bed, he was shot in the face.
By you, Lillian.
Well, it was dark out, and a black guy was trying to get in bed with me.
It was the '70s.
Point is, I will have nothing to do with this audition of yours.
Fine.
I'll get Kimmy to help me.
Who needs you, anyway? Can I borrow $5, a lint brush, a stick of gum, and your shoes? Yeah.
Listen, Kimmy, 'cause I only have the blood sugar to say this once.
If I'm going to get an audition, I need head shots that show range, specifically, a fine composite head shot like this flawless one of Tony Danza that I borrowed from my dry cleaners.
Whoa.
We only have one shot at this.
I will have approximately three seconds between flashes to transform characters.
As soon as you see the light, you hand me the next costume, even if I scream no.
Even if I beg you to stop, hand me the next costume.
See you on the other side.
No! This is impossible.
The beard.
You're looking at a genius.
Oh Mrs.
Voorhees, have you sent that selfie of me? Can we use this one I made at the arcade instead? It's what my and Titus's baby would look like.
Oh, that's upsetting.
What's wrong with your other picture? I don't like it.
I didn't realize how old I look now.
You don't know what you look like? How do you know your self-worth? I guess I just was never one of those girls who looked in the mirror all the time.
Your hair is brown with different brown in it.
Your eyes are green with grayish flecks.
And your nose is super skinny.
Yay! Hey, Kimmy, you want me to be your mirror now? Nah, I'm good.
I can see myself if I move fast enough.
Ugh, now I can't stop looking at these lines here.
I hate them.
Outside in, Kimmy.
I don't have time right now.
Dr.
Franff said called and said he could see me immediately, so I'm heading over.
Carry my purse and this bag with sneakers.
Oh, no, what's wrong? I don't know, but whatever it is, I'm sure he'll figure it out.
Dr.
Franff is the best plastic surgeon in Manhattan.
Sidney built Mariah Carey from scratch.
- Excuse me? - Mm-hmm? Is this the line for Spidermen auditions? Yep, can you believe all these weirdos.
Well, well, well this is rich.
Coriolanus Burt I haven't seen you in years.
No? You didn't catch my turn on SVU? I must've blinked and missed it.
Really? You missed my performance as the guy who, at the end, turned out to have done it? Look at us Me just passing by on my way to tape a podcast and you standing in line for an open call for a play directed by the third Affleck brother Myron.
Look, my agent set this up Titus, if you're in this line, you don't have an agent.
Excuse me, I have to take this.
Hello? Yes, I am happy with my long-distance service very happy.
Wait, the sign says "Dr.
Grant.
" Yes, but Sid pronounces it "Franff.
" These people are already pretty.
Why are they even here? Look at her hands.
Mm-hmm.
- Would you like a water? - Yes.
No, thank you.
Plastic surgeons look at feet? Oh, yes.
Feet are the new butts, Kimmy.
Dr.
Franff is here.
Jacqueline, you look fantastic.
Thank you, Sidney.
Would you like TV while we work? What do you want to watch? CNN, pornography? No, Thank you, Sidney.
I don't have time for the works today.
I just wanted to talk to you about my toes.
As you know, Julian loves my feet, for sex reasons.
I'm just not feeling good about them for some reason.
Well, we can do a toenail re-sizing.
You can have a foot face-lift, or you can toe tuck them.
- Well, which do you recommend? - I cannot choose.
That's like asking me which one of my children's placentas was the most delicious.
Hold on.
Who's this? What interesting skin you have.
- Oh.
- Look at that.
Thank you.
Absolutely no sun damage.
But you've clearly experienced a tremendous amount of stress.
What? Are you a coal miner, submarine captain? - No.
- Huh.
Because you have very distinct scream lines.
Where did those come from, I wonder.
I don't know.
Too many fun roller coasters maybe? Either way, your problems are easy to fig.
This brow furrow, zap.
And these frown lines, we'll flump-up, you know.
- Oh, I don't need all that.
- Oh.
Who am I? Pamela Lee? What about those scream lines, Kimmy? I know they were bothering you.
Those, we can inject with the R.
E.
O.
cream, and instantly gone.
- You can do that? - Yeah.
Of course he or she can.
I can do that right now.
Do it.
Oh, Kimmy, I'm so excited for you.
Joy comes from the outside in.
- What, dear? - I'm sorry? I'm sorry.
I still don't have it.
Pardon? I was saying that we now validate parking, if that's important to you guys at all.
Oh.
Oh, who's that girl? What? I didn't do anything? Got some sun but I'm not talking to you, dear.
I'm watching Jeopardy! The category is "Worst Madonna Songs.
" This 1987 one is terrible.
That was humiliating.
I'm never auditioning again.
Aw, did you screw the pooch? Know how that expression originated? It wasn't anything clever at all.
There was this guy and a dog Lillian, I'm trying to tell a story.
So there I am, standing in line for this cattle call, and I run into Coriolanus Burt.
Oh, no! Right? My nemesis, the man who stole my career.
When I first moved here, they were doing an all-black production of Oklahoma! Called Alabama! Coriolanus Burt and I went head-to-head, down to the final call-back, for the role of Sharecropper Number Two/Cow.
Just as I was about to hit the women's high C in People Will Say We's in Love, Coriolanus runs on stage and yells, "Oh, my God.
They shot Versace.
" I mean, rude! - And guess who got the part? - You? A third party that wasn't in the story? No! That should have been my big break.
And now he's walking around in shoes and socks like a big shot.
And look at me Talented, dashing, transcending, but no career, no agent, and just the one sock.
It isn't good to hold on to things like that.
You have to work from the outside in.
I mean, if I can get rid of my scream lines Diva, I thought you looked real rested.
Then anything is possible.
Tomorrow we are going to put on our fanciest clothes, go down to the biggest agency, and do a series of leg and arm poses to project confidence and get you an agent.
All right! I'll try it.
He's here to see an agent, please.
What are we doing exactly? Trust me.
If you're confident on the outside, good things will happen.
I don't know.
Why are you keeping this important man waiting? Right this way.
- Would you like a water? - No, thanks.
I hope he does well in there.
He prepared a monologue from an episode of Maury where this guy was afraid of peaches.
No, Maury.
Get them away from me! The fuzz! The fuzz! I like you, Titus.
We represent Myron Affleck.
I want you to read for his Spidermen musical.
Get Myron on the phone.
Try the pay phone first.
If he's not there, try the car, where he lives.
Pardon my French, but, Au bon pain! How do I know you? You don't.
No, no, no, no, no.
I've seen your face before.
Are you the girl from The Bachelor whose butt prolapsed? No, I'm not.
You've never seen me.
Oh, you're one of those girls from Indiana the Mole Women.
Have you discussed life rights, reality show, porno? The Hole Women? Just saying.
Do you remember New Jersey Tanning Mom? - I can do that for you.
- Do what? Get your face everywhere Magazines, talk shows, a show where you and Flavor Flav drive across country staying in haunted B&Bs.
You are crushing it, Joshie! You know it, Joshie! I want a whole new face.
I have some.
Next.
Titus Andromedon, Kinetic Talent, reading for the role of Spiderman Number 12 All right, hit it, hot shot.
And I will crush that Spiderman And then that other Spiderman And all the Spidermen Till I'm the Spiderman Five, six, seven, eight.
Let's try you in the flying rig, guy.
Oh, my balls! My balls! My ball I'm sorry, Myron, what are you looking for here? We just want to see if you can continue acting after being struck by a falling Spiderman.
Look, there they are.
All 50 Spidermen! All right, thank you, pal.
Are you all set? Oh, that's good, then.
Parched.
All right, what do you want to watch? I like judge shows.
Oh, all righty.
Now, Kimmy, I want you to count backwards from ten.
- Okay.
- Ten nine, eight Smells great.
Like a meadow.
I'd be happy if I died here.
Wait.
Is that the bunker? Reverend Richard? Full House baby? Buhbreeze.
What? - You're still crazy! - No! Kimmy, dear, I need you to be still.
Buhbreeze.
Won't fix your insides.
Why is she not asleep? 'Cause I'm fighting through it.
This is wrong.
I'm just Buhbreezing my problems.
She's as strong as a horse, which reminds me, we've got to rebook Mrs.
Cohen.
Aah! Ouch I assume.
My friends, listen, changing your outside isn't going to fix what's wrong inside.
We're just covering up our problems.
In order to fix ourselves, we have to start right here.
Find that small unbreakable you inside yourself and I got to go.
Bye.
Mrs.
Voorhees? Oh, Kimmy, thank God you're here.
I need you to keep this ice fresh until my toes set.
No.
This isn't about your feet.
You're just Buhbreezing your problems! You'll have to speak up, dear.
They took part of my ear and put it in my foot.
Listen, outside-in doesn't work.
You could have the most beautiful feet in the world How? Tell me.
Is it more surgery? But it wouldn't fix what's really wrong.
You're unhappy about your marriage.
You can smile and pose all you want, but that's not going to change.
I'm not really here! I'm not really here! Yes, you are.
No! I'm not ready.
Look.
I look so sad.
- What filter is this? - None.
Hashbrown, no filter.
That's you, Mrs.
Voorhees.
That's your real selfie.
I don't know what to do, Kimmy.
Julian left Tokyo for Beijing.
He won't take my calls.
If you think your husband's cheating on you, you have to confront him.
I have to go to China.
Yes, you can do this.
Oh! Oh! In the morning.
How did the auditions go? Amazing.
For more information, press one.
Beep! I had just completed my audition, when the director himself stood up and asked me to leave because I did not get the part.
But who did I see on my way out? Just talk to the director.
Please, just What are you doing here? Are you auditioning for this? Please.
I just left something in my dressing room from when I starred in this theater's last production of Tony Danza's Big Fat Italian One-Man Christmas Carol.
So that's just your natural crotch structure? Titus, wouldn't you like to know My balls! My ball So you didn't get the part, but your enemy did, and you're happy about that? Yes, don't you see? If Coriolanus has to audition for the same humiliating roles as I do, then that part he stole from me wasn't the big break that I thought it was.
Which means your big break still hasn't happened yet.
I'm so happy for you.
I love you both so much, even though I don't always say it.
- Thank you, Lillian.
- Oh, we love you, too.
Huh? No, no, no.
Wheel of Fortune.
I'd like to solve the puzzle, Pat.
"I'm so happy for you.
I love both of you so much, even though I don't always pay it?" Oh, my God, what a moron! - Hello? - Hi.
Yes.
May I please speak to Cyndee, please? I'm sorry, but Cyndee's been missing f Oh, wait Old habit.
Cyndee, phone! - Hello? - It's Kimmy.
I think you should come visit me in New York.
And I will crush That Spiderman And then that other Spiderman And all the Spidermen Till I'm the Spiderman Spidermen, we're at it again This time with 50% more Spidermen Oh, yeah Not quite a bug Not quite a man How do I break out from this Spiderman clan? I want to be proud I don't want to hide Don't trap me in a cup and put me outside With all those other Spidermen, we're at it again This time with even more Spidermen Another 50 Spidermen A trillion spider eyes We may be spiders But we're dropping like Flies Good night, everybody!