Undateable (2014) s01e04 Episode Script

The past few days have been amazing.
I know.
This is the most fun I ever had, and I went to space camp.
You guys, uh, I'm still here.
Uh, oh, by the way, you're doing it wrong.
When a man and a woman have sex, uh, the man's never supposed to say, "don't drop me.
" Things got a little crazy last night, all right? I hope we didn't keep you up.
Baby bird, it wasn't the pasty-white sex that was keeping me up.
You know what it was? The two of you singing Destiny's Child songs.
Oh, Danny.
Mm.
- Those two things happened simultaneously.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, I'm sure that was the only thing that you two did simultaneously.
Ohh.
Aw, it sucks that I have to go to my parents' this weekend.
I am going to miss that flat little butt.
Ahh.
I feel sorry for that poor girl.
I have no idea how she's gonna last a whole weekend without her medicine.
Oh, oh, oh.
You've been drugging her.
That's what that's how If you're gonna get uncomfortable every time that me and Nicki do some foreplay and, yes, I will have her again this morning Then I'm gonna make you more uncomfortable.
You know what? I don't think that's possible unless you two waited till I fell asleep and you had sex on top of me.
Hmm.
So, you don't think I could make you more uncomfortable? - Mnh-mnh.
- Okay.
You mean even if I re-created what happened last night? Don't joke around like that.
Say my name, say my name When no one is around you, say, "baby, I love you" Then I take her bra Say my name, say my name And then I get on top.
Say my name, say my name Then I put my hands over my head.
And then I was done.
All right, now.
Here we go.
Come on.
Okay.
We are going.
Oh-oh-oh, oh, oh All right, now.
That was me singing.
What do you think about that? It was horrifying.
Hey, Shelly, uh, did you ever talk to that guy about Whoa! Rewind.
Hey, uh, and you might be You must be Danny.
Your sister said you talk like you're in a Matthew McConaughey movie.
All right, all right.
Sabrina and I went to college together, and then she moved to Paris.
Huh.
Sabrina's also got a great rack, but if you tell her that, she makes you sit way over here.
I am at the University of Michigan getting my PhD in French literature.
Then she's gonna use that degree to get a job nowhere.
Sabrina, if you like French stuff, then did you know they call it a French tickler - Back in the corner.
- Yeah.
I, too, have a deep love for French literature.
I actually did my senior thesis on Victor Hugo.
Wow, this is already a really, really, really boring story.
Uh, I can't save myself, but if you'd like, I could rip your heart out and show it to you so you can end up dying quickly.
My professor was actually, um, French Canadian, and it was, uh - Do it.
Leslie, you can let your friend know that my girlfriend is way hotter than her.
Well, it was great to meet you, and I will see you later, Les.
Sister, may I have her? You always do this! You always hook up with my friends.
Someone better call Steve Harvey.
We got ourselves a "family feud.
" Look, if you want me to stop having sex with your friends, then I don't know Just, like don't have any friends.
They think you're so great at first, and then they get Danny'd.
Is getting Danny'd when a hot stud bangs you? 'Cause if it is - Corner! Damn it! Getting Danny'd is when he sleeps with them once and blows them off, and then I'm left cleaning up the mess.
I don't think you're gonna have to worry about Danny and Sabrina.
Sabrina is a smart and sophisticated, classy woman.
Whoa, oh, no, no.
Wait.
Are you suggesting that she's out of my league? Because that is not possible unless Wait a minute.
Wait.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on one second.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, God.
Oh, oh, oh, God.
Oh, God, this is I was I've been worrying about this.
No, I'm still me.
Thank God.
Yeah, that's, uh so she's not out of my league, bro.
Look, Danny, if you want some advice from Wait.
Hold on.
Are are you really think that you can give me advice? Oh, wait.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I totally messed up the emphasis on that sentence.
Let me try it again.
You think that you can give me advice? I'm obviously crushing it in my own relationship.
Nicki and I even hooked up this morning.
I got your text.
Brett, is that jacket so people from outer space can tell you're gay? Hey, does the jacket possibly come with figure skates and a boyfriend? Ohhhh! All right, guys, let's just give him a break, okay? It's it's cool, man.
They're just taking the piss out of me.
We all do it to each other.
Well, yeah, no, go ahead.
If you guys want to go ahead and make gay jokes, go ahead.
Look, I get it.
You've always been a little bit uptight, and I only came out a couple months ago, so you just it's gonna take you awhile to get used to me as a gay man.
I've known you as a gay man since college.
Freshman year, you went to Halloween as Britney Spears.
And then in sophomore year.
"Oops, I did it again.
" I'm I'm just saying, before I came out, you always used to give me crap, and now you're just you're so careful.
I'm not acting any differently.
Prove it.
Make fun of me.
Give me a nickname.
I'm gay and I'm British.
It should be easy.
I can't just come up with a nickname on the spot like that.
Fairy Potter.
Written by Gay Gay rowling.
See? That's friendship.
Are we done? No.
No, no.
Daniel Gay Lewis.
Austin Powerbottom.
Alfred Hitchcock that's just his name, but that's good.
Hey, what in God's name is this? That's "Nicki-bear.
" Nicki left it so I could sleep with it in my bed.
Good night, Danny.
Hey, hey, whoa, whoa.
Look, before you go make sweet love to that bear I'm not gonna make love to it, okay? I'll probably spoon I'm not gonna do anything to the bear.
This is about Sabrina.
I just have you ever met a girl that you just think is like so amazing, but you just feel like you can never have her? Dude, I've felt that way all the time.
- You just need - Me neither.
Hey, Justin.
Hyah! Hyah! Hey, man.
You know, it's so adorable that you thought you could teach me about women.
Hey, you know what? Could you teach me how to walk, too? Get off! Hey, Shelly, you need help being black? Sometimes.
It's complicated.
I told you not to hook up with my friends! Geez! All right, I'm sorry.
Hey, look, it's not my fault anyway, okay? She called me.
By the way, I didn't even know that coffee places were open at midnight.
Are those so weirdos can have a place to go to when they can't sleep? - Yes.
I also enjoy the laundromat.
Wait a minute.
You guys didn't get together till midnight? What time did Sabrina call you? I don't know.
Like 10:00.
And you just dropped whatever you were doing? I mean, I brushed my teeth first.
Dude, that is so clutch! You got to get clean to get dirty! Huh.
You know what else is weird is, I got up this morning, and Sabrina was already gone.
She had to leave early 'cause she had to go see her sister.
She doesn't have a sister.
Okay, well, whatever.
I mean, maybe she was talking about her black friend.
Whatever.
I I'm gonna see Sabrina again, okay? - I even texted her.
- Really? What did she say? We're gonna hang out soon, when her her life calms down.
What? I taught her that line.
I'm gonna let Les say this, because it's gonna give her so much more joy.
Les? You got Danny'd.
Hello, Nicki-bear.
Ahh! Mmm! You smell good today.
What is that smell? Ahh! That's reciprocated love.
You know what? When you act cocky, it's kind of like when Tyler Perry acts without a dress on.
People don't like it.
I'm just messing with you, man.
Are you watching "Pretty Woman"? You know, it's funny because, when I was hanging out with Sabrina, she was saying that she loves romantic comedies, so What? You like her.
No.
Yeah, you're in "like" with her.
Danny Burton is never in "like" with anyone, okay? Occasionally, he's in "lust," okay? And then eventually he's "asleep.
" Okay, no, just go with me here for a second, okay? Danny, you like her! Don't be afraid of that.
It's great to be in like.
I've been in like my whole life.
Hey, look, okay? No, I am not like you.
Fine.
But when you're watching "Pretty Woman," do you imagine Sabrina and I as the main characters, And then we went shopping in Beverly Hills together and met Hector Elizondo?! No! What's happening to me?! You're opening up! You're showing your heart! This is great! Look, watch this.
Watch when I press Nicki-bear's necklace.
Hey, Justin, I miss you.
Aww.
Aah! What was that noise I made?! Am I dying?! No, you're finally living.
Look, you like Sabrina.
Let me help you.
Hey, listen, okay? This is the first time you've had a relationship that was sexual with a girl that even knew about it, so you cannot give me advice! Oh, listen, mate.
Um Look, since you're not gonna do the whole gay-joke thing, uh, I've come up with a few ideas so you can prove to me that you're not uptight, okay? So, we could go underwear shopping together.
We do that all the time.
We we we we We could learn the dance to "Single ladies" by Beyoncé.
Um Oh! We could take a bubble bath.
Anything but the bath, I'll do.
Okay, that's the one it is, then bubble bath.
No, I'm not doing that.
Come on, bro.
I would take a bath with this dude in a heartbeat.
I wouldn't even care if he went periscope up.
What does that even mean? It's a boner.
Okay.
How are you, Sabrina? I'm glad you could make it down here.
We thought we'd just talk about what a great guy Danny is.
Danny frustrates the hell out of me, but he is the sweetest person I know.
In what world hmm would you go out with Danny again? Look, Danny is fun.
But when it comes to actually dating somebody, I prefer adults? One date, and I'll let you drink at this bar free for a month.
You guys are trying to stick up for your friend, and I find that oddly sweet, but I don't trade dates for free booze.
Well, I was only talking about beer and wine.
Let's not get crazy.
Look, just give him a chance.
Give him a chance.
Give him a chance.
Give him a chance.
Look, I'm gonna have to say no.
- Say no to what? - Drugs.
Say no to drugs.
Thank God.
Look, we just found out Sabrina's got a bit of a problem.
I don't want to get into the scary details, but it rhymes with "Bristol Neth.
" Please tell me that you guys didn't all just ask her to go out on a pity date with me.
What? No! I mean, pretty silly.
Look at Brett.
He's crying.
Nobody would do that.
Right, Sabrina? Yeah, I'm not a big fan of lying.
That really pisses me off.
So, I'm gonna take off.
Yeah, I got to do the pretzels.
Everyone sit their sweet asses down! No one's leaving till I figure out whose idea this was.
Hmm? Les? Was it you? My sister? Because those scars don't heal, Les.
Answer me! Was it you, my friend? Friend? I'm a friend.
Yeah.
And I immediately regret it.
What about you, Brett, huh? Nah, you'd never throw me under the bus, or as they say in London, A double-decker bus.
We just we just call it bus.
What about my sweet Shelly, huh? Did those fine chocolate-brown eyes finally betray me, huh? No.
Danny, no, please! Who was responsible for this blatant disrespect?! That's a lot of clapping.
Oh, really? Is it, Justin? Is it a lot of clapping, Justin? Really? I want everyone here to do me a favor and dramatically walk away from Justin.
I was just trying to help, okay? That's I'll do anything to be a good friend.
Except take a bath with me.
You are very close to my face right now.
Hey, what's that I smell, huh? What's that I smell? Is that fear? Is that vengeance? Is that that special cologne I told you never to use of mine? I just did one spritz.
I told you you're supposed to spray it in front of yourself and then walk into it.
- Well, then, I'm sorry.
Well, guess what.
It's too late now 'cause payback's coming.
You're spitting all over me.
Ew! That was the scariest eskimo kiss ever.
Danny? Nicki-bear?! Hey.
Nicki-bear had an accident.
You sick son of a bitch.
Who spends this much time doing this to a Teddy bear? Dude, I was just trying to help you with Sabrina.
I don't need help with Sabrina.
In a week, I'm gonna forget what her face even looks like.
That's impossible, okay? I have a picture in my head of every girl I've ever had sex with.
Great, that means you have a picture of Nicki and your cousin's bra.
I told you not to ever give me advice.
You give me advice all the time.
Are you that ridiculously proud that you can't take some from me? It's just it's never gonna happen with this girl.
What are you talking about? Sabrina is just much different than all the other girls I've hooked up with.
You know, she's smart, she's classy, she's ambitious, she knows French.
I only know fake French.
You know? I just You were right.
She's out of my league, all right? You stop it, okay? That is not the guy that I know! The guy that I know has completely unearned confidence! You're right.
I've had it since I was six.
That's when I first realized I was better than everybody.
And you've got to hold on to that delusion.
Don't give up.
You know what? I just I can't do it, man.
I'm just upset because she's obviously going somewhere, and I'm 30, and I'm not.
Yeah? Do you have a minute? Yeah.
Why is your hair all wet? Our hair is wet because I just spent my lunch break taking a bath with my closer friends.
Ohh! Guys, stop! You did not.
Oh, yes, we did.
We went back to back.
Like a movie poster about buddy cops.
What are you doing here? Why do you look nervous? Uh, because I-I called Leslie, and I told her to have Sabrina meet her here.
You changed your mind.
I'm so proud of you.
Hello.
Dude, what am I gonna say? I don't know what to do.
Look, there's one move that I've used my entire life, okay? Be vulnerable.
- Okay, okay, okay.
- Go.
Hey, Sabrina, um Leslie's not coming.
I had her lie to get you here.
Look, I know that the other night was just a booty call for you, and I want you to know that I think that we had a connection.
I've always been like a really confident guy, and, yeah, okay, fine, it's because I'm amazing, but, you know, it's it's also because I date girls, not women.
And and when I say "date," I mean I hung out with them once and I never talked to them again.
So, I think the problem is, is that when there is a girl that I want to see twice, uh, that's the kind of woman that doesn't want to ever see me again, and, look, what I'm trying to say is, you're the kind of woman that I want to see twice.
Going vulnerable's a good move.
Yeah, it is! Sorry.
How does Thursday night sound? Yeah, Thur uh, Thursday night sounds great.
Okay.
No fake French.
Oh.
Ah, but of course.
You're welcome, baby bird.
Oh, hey, uh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, no, no, no, no.
Okay, uh, hey, hey, hey.
You cannot call me "baby bird.
" There is no way that I'm taking that from a guy who looks like a guy who would sell massage chairs at Brookstone.
Well, you look like one of those street thugs that Spiderman catches.
All right, well, you look, uh, like one of those animatronic men from "It's a small world.
" Yeah, well, you look like a guy who watched one episode of "Game of Thrones" and decided to start doing his hair that way.
Okay, you know what? Stop right there.
I just Thank you for pushing me out there, and I really appreciate it.
It was a big deal, especially coming from a guy who looks like a Southwest flight attendant.
Thank you.
And that's nice to hear from a guy who looks like Jesus if he lived in Seattle.
I'll take that.
This means a lot, mate.
Whatever it takes to show you how comfortable I am.
Water's nice, eh? This is a nightmare.
So, how long did the other guys stay in the bath with you? Ah, no, no, no, no, no.
No one else took a bath with me.
We just thought we'd we thought we'd mess with you.
Oh, well-played, Sir Man-thony Hopkins.
Eh, c-plus.
It's a good start, though, mate.
Help.