Undeclared s01e04 Episode Script

God, aren't there any men on this campus? What about lloyd? No.
I don't like guys like that.
Superhot english guys? Pretty-boys.
They're so boring! I want to meet somebody with personality and some depth.
Oh, you mean like an ugly guy.
Shut up! You're so shallow.
What? I had sex with steven.
Yeah, that's true.
Uh, mr.
Karp.
Can I have a word with you, please? I have a note for you to report to the bursar's office.
Bursar's office? They're the ones that handle tuition.
What do they want with me? Gee, I don't know.
Ok.
UhThank you very much.
I will go right after class.
No.
You have to go now.
No, it's, like, a mistake.
I mr.
Karp, you have to have a ticket for this show.
But I now, class, I have something Phenomenal for you to observe today.
These 2 bottles are filled with a highly combustible fluid.
Ooh! Whoo! My naked weapon is out; Quarrel, I will back thee! How? Turn thy back and run? Fear me not.
Let us take the law of our sides; Let them begin.
Scene.
Scene.
Good.
I think it's good.
I think it's great.
Hey, who's that guy with lloyd? I've never seen him before.
I gotta go to feminine studies.
Ok? All right.
We should practice this again before monday.
Ok, definitely.
Over the weekend.
Hi.
Hi.
H-how are you? Great.
Well That's just wonderful, is what that is.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
What's goin' on? So, who's that guy? Who, jimmy? He's just a guy in my acting class.
Oh.
So, what's his story? Ha ha.
You and jimmy? Yeah? Yeah.
That's not gonna work.
Why? 'Cause he's not some blond british guy? Shall I arrange a liaison? Yeah.
I'd like to meet him.
Ok.
You could have told me that you weren't paying for school before I got kicked out.
Whoa.
Slow down.
I was making an agreement for a payment plan with the school, but I haven't been able to get the guy on the phone.
Payment plan? I thought you guys put money aside for college.
Well There was some money, but, you know, since I got laid off, I mean, I I kinda ran through the savings account.
I never would have even lost my job if it wasn't for all the stress from the divorce lawyers.
Man, those guys are sharks.
And yet, you can afford tivo.
I mean, you know, to hell with me gettin' an education, as long as you can tape ally mcbeal 3 times a week.
A year of tivo would cover about 2 days of tuition.
Steven, it's your mother that's over there in, uh In swinging prague squandering the family rubles.
But you are looking for a job.
Yes, I'm looking for a job.
But I'm looking for the right job.
Ok? The right job? Dad I'm getting kicked out of college.
Relax.
You're gonna go to college.
But you know, you're gonna have to get some sort of a job, too.
What w-why do I have to get a job? Welcome to the real world.
There it is.
Thank you.
Don't worry about it.
Enjoy itBut you owe me a favor.
That's great.
Brando.
I think I swallowed a fly.
Aach.
Nice.
Listen, my friend rachel that you met in the rec room today The the blonde? Yeah, the blonde.
Said you were proper tidy.
Hoo-ahh! Brother You gotta hook me up! Yeah.
That's, uh, pacino, right? Yeah! Totally.
That's great.
Thanks.
So, shall I tell her you're interested? Yes.
Please, would you hook it up so mini-me and I can go out on a date? Ok, mini-me, stand to attention.
To the left.
To the right.
Rachel's gonna love you.
Tucka-tucka-tucka- tucka-tucka-tucka.
Yeah.
Rice pudding.
Hey, try me.
I'm delicious! Rice pudding? That's pudding with rice in it? Try some.
Here comes the rice pudding! Vrroom! Hey, ok.
Let me open the hangar.
Open the hangar.
Vrrroomm! MmmYeah.
Wow.
As long as I'm working at this cafeteria, we are the kings of free chow.
It's mine.
It's mine now.
Mmm.
This is the life, man.
Mmm Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
This is the life.
Tell you what.
Free or not, I can't eat another bite.
Hey, dude.
What's up? Well, I have to find a job, or else you guys'll be lookin' for a new roommate.
My dad forgot to pay my tuition.
Ok, I got it.
I saw this in a film.
Ok, you are a student by day and an illustrious man prostitute by night.
Hey, dude! I could totally hook you up with a job at the cafeteria, man! Huh? Boss totally loves me, dude.
Uh, no, thanks.
I think I'll pass.
I'd rather be a man whore than work there.
No offense.
No, no, it's cool.
Mmm, is that jell-o? Can I have some of that? No, you can't.
Thank you.
I thought he was just fattening me up to eat me or something.
Ridiculous.
Hey, how's it goin', man? Hey, uh I need to find a job.
What's your name? Steven.
Remember? Steven Steven.
Believin' The story that I'm weavin'.
Without the skills to pay the bills, even steven, he be thievin'.
Well, all the campus work is gone after the first week.
Have you considered off-campus work? Like what? I donate blood twice a week under 3 different names.
I have a friend who does medical experiments.
Medical experiments? Oh, man, the pay is sweet if you don't mind like, you know, bloody nose, low-level flu.
Yeah.
Um I thought I saw an ad for the job at the art supplies store? That job doesn't exist.
For some reason, hot girls like art, so I just put that in there to get numbers.
My palm pilot is bursting.
Anything.
Is there anything? Um, well, ok, let me check.
That is my job.
You are desperate, right? Yeah.
There's one job left.
It's the worst job on campus.
You are not gonna come here to joke around.
Have you had a job before? I had a little paper route once.
It was kinda this is not a paper route.
In a paper route, keep throwing things around.
There is no throwing things around here.
Right.
Marshall recommended you highly, and he's my number-one man.
If you can be like him, you will win my heart.
I like you.
Thank you.
ButI could hate you.
I could be very vicious.
Yeah.
And very important.
This is very important now.
No speaking to the customer.
No, s no, sir.
You are not their friend today.
Right.
Welcome.
Well, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Welcome.
Welcome, my brother, to the best job on campus.
Check this out.
Ahh! See that? Opens up the pores, you know? People pay for this, and we get it for free.
Know what I'm sayin'? Whoo! Thanks.
Not only do we get, like, paid really well, we also get to, like, kinda eat for free.
Really? We get, like, free samples or dude, someone else ate that! Oh! The trick Is to take a bite off the uneaten end.
You know? Sometimes you you forget which end, so I just take one bite.
Some people eat the whole thing.
I'm not that gross.
You know what I mean? I'm re I'm really glad you you came over, rachel.
Yeah.
It's cool.
Yeah.
I thinkI think you're really attractive, but you're not like all the other really attractive girls on campus.
UhI think I think you're I think you're unique.
I think you're unique, too.
I guess we're, like 2 unique types of people.
What is that? Christopher walken.
I mean, come on! You know, pulp fiction: "This watch, little man" Oh.
I do impersonations and characters.
Oh.
Well, that's neat.
It's kinda like a dream of mine.
Why do blond girls taste different than all other girls? SeanConnery? Chicago way.
They put one of yours in the hospital, you put one of theirs on the morgu keep on workin' long as my 2 hands are fit to use so, look at you, all working! What are you doing?! Aah! This is insanity! Ahh I've drunk a little beer in a tavern I've cried a little bit of these workingman blues come on now, steven.
Time to lean, time to clean.
SoHow are things with jimmy? OhGreat.
How're those voices treating you? Ha ha ha! They're called impersonations.
Impersonations.
Yeah.
You like them? He's very talented.
He can do dr.
Evil.
Oh ho.
Dr.
Evil.
Wow.
Yeah, 'cause that's hard.
Yeah.
Ok, I'll just say it, you know? Impersonations are not cool.
Ok? Watch.
Do or do not.
There is no try.
That was that was my yoda, and now I'm humiliated, all because impersonations are bad.
That's the message.
I took a hit.
Hoo-ahh! Rachel, it's al! I'm wonderin' where you are! Hoo-ahh! He's taken up the entire machine.
Lizzie, I can't stand these voices.
They give me the creeps.
Look, don't tell lloyd, butI gotta break up with this guy.
Rachel, this is scooby-doo.
Where are you? Rr-I'm scared.
What the hell are you doing? Have you lost your entire brain? You're stealing! No! No, no, I'm not stealing.
It's just a pie you were gonna throw out anyways.
Until it's thrown out, it's not thrown out, and therefore it's stealing! Don't make me yell.
I'd lose my voice.
How much do you want me to yell at you? I don't want to yell! But I'll yell.
I know! Y-y-you don't have to yell at me.
I can't believe you good-for-nothing college kids, working for the beer money, have to come in here and steal my cake.
I I I'm not good-for-nothing, and I'll give you back the cake.
Here.
Here's your cake.
I can't take that cake.
Here! I can't sell my customer cake that has been in a boy's knapsack! Are you wanting to be fired? You know what? Don't even worry about that.
Don't worry about yelling at me or firing me, 'cause 'cause I quit.
I'm sorry.
I quit.
Are you not sorry for what you have done to my cake? No.
Wow.
Awesome.
Yeah, uh I'm really glad you got a new job, 'cause I just quit mine.
Thank you so much.
Ok, see ya.
Bye.
Guys, I got, like, the best news.
My dad, like, got a job and wants to treat us all to dinner.
All right, hal! What job is it? Oh, he didn't say.
He wants to tell me at dinner.
Off-campus dining.
I amDefinitely in.
What, you don't like my cooking now? I'm not saying that, man.
You're touchy, you know? You're just you're touchy.
Man, this is, like, a pretty fancy restaurant.
Swanky place.
Looks like my dad's rollin' again.
I bet they have crushed ice in the urinals.
Doesn't get any fancier than that.
What do they make, like, urine snow cones or something? That's gross, guys! I'm joking.
So, uh, what do you think, lizzie? Very impressive.
Hello.
My name is hal.
I'll be your server tonight.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Oh, great! You got here just in time.
Perfect timing.
Actually, jimmy, I really need to talk to you about something.
We can talk later.
Mike myers' biography's on.
Ok? Oh, that's great, but look have you seen so I married an axe murderer? Oh, my god, it's perfect.
It's perfect.
So underrated.
He does an amazing scotsman! Yeah, I'm sure he does, but zip it.
I have some shh.
Look, I really have Once upon a time, there was a little girl named zip it.
Look, I really need to talk instant replay slo-mo: Ziiiip iiiiiit.
Jimmy, come on.
Shh! Shh! Can we just have a little zip it? How 'bout a little cocktail, alcohol, somethin' to drink, maybe? I'll take a jack daniel's.
I.
D.
, please! You guys are havin' chocolate milk, ok? Shirley temples all around! Ha ha ha! He's usually in sales, you know, my dad.
Actually, the last job he had, he was, like, the number-one guy for 5 months in a row or something.
It was pretty cool.
Very powerful.
Your dad's sweet.
Oh, man, I gotta go wash my hands before I eat.
Sorry.
Just a second.
The young mike myers used to put on puppet shows for his siblings, acting out all the voices himself.
I guess you've seen this before.
Mike went on to grow into a young man Yeah.
It's inspiring.
His father eric was an encyclopedia salesman.
Could we have some bread, please? Guess you folks aren't on the zone diet, huh? Just kidding! Hey.
Oh, hey.
You disappeared.
Are you all right? Yeah.
I yeah.
I think I'm just gonna go back to the dorm.
Hot plate comin' through! There you go, folks.
That soup's ok, huh? You didn't find a glass eye in there, did you? No? Ok.
It's just, like I feel like this divorce is ruining everything.
I mean, look at him.
What is he what is he doin'? My dad's not a waiter.
What my dad yells at waiters.
He he sends food back.
Things change.
I mean Everybody doesn't always get the job that they want.
And look at him.
He looks like he's havin' fun.
Uh, what what do you recommend? Oh, tech stocks, mutual finds.
Just stay away from that dot-com stuff, huh? He's just tryin' to take care of you.
You want to go eat? Yeah.
Ok.
Come on.
Um All right, mama Show's over.
Time to give papa some affection.
Would you just stop doing those stupid voices? I really need to talk You don't like the voices? They don't amuse you? You don't think it's funny? What you talkin' about, you broad stop it! Stop it! I don't like it! Really? Yes.
I want to be on snl, like like mike myers and and belushi.
I've gotta keep practicing all the time.
Why would you even want to be on that show? I mean, it hasn't been funny in, like, forever.
Oh, my have have you seen will ferrell's bush? Have you seen ferrell's bush? No.
Whatever! It's just weird.
I can't take it anymore.
And, what, you get to decide that, right, rachel? 'Cause you're so cool.
You get to decide what's cool and what's not cool.
Right? Jimmy, come on.
You're you're gonna break up with me because because 'cause I have dreams.
You're so shallow.
No! I'm I'm not shallow.
Heigh-ho.
Kermit the frog here, and today's letter is "s" for shallow! Shallow, shallow, shallow! Shut up.
Shut up.
I am not shallow.
I'm not breaking up with you because you do voices.
I mean, I think it's great that you want to be the next you know, whoever the next greatest impressionist is.
So then what's goin' on here, rachel? I didn't know how to tell you this, but I have a boyfriend.
Yeah.
You have a boyfriend? Yeah.
AndYou know, I I felt like a big cheater, and I I thought that it'd be easier to break up with you if I I told you it was about the impressions.
So you don't think doing Impressions is weird? No! Of course not.
WellCan we we be friends? Yeah.
Just like harvey The white rabbit.
That was great, hal.
Now it's back to rice pudding hell.
That's fine.
It's more for me.
Ok? Bye, hal.
Thank you, hal.
Come by and see us again soon.
Dad, thanks for dinner.
Hey.
Sorry about the, uh, surprise element.
Hey, don't worry about it.
No.
It's, like, awesome here.
I kinda like it here, you know? It beats the hell out of selling swedish cars.
There's just Less stress.
You know? Dad, I'm I'm glad to hear that.
Listen.
Um Why don't you go buy yourself a little, uh, english lit class with this, all right? Oh, my god, dad.
Thank you very much.
You're welcome.
We're gonna be all right.
No, I know.
I know.
Um, thank you very much.
Ok.
Hey, rachel.
It's jimmy.
I've been working on a pirate character.
Listen to this.
Ahoy, matey! I've got no leg.
Har har har har! How about I don't know.
Just call me.
Is that jimmy? Yeah.
He's doing a pirate character now.
How charming.
Oh, shut up.
I'm so sorry it didn't work out between you two.
I tried to warn you.
Well, next time, try harder.
You know what? I've got another friend.
Much better for you.
He's a ventriloquist.
He's got this old-time dummy.
It's fantastic.
Thank you so much for taking me back, 'cause 'cause I want to be your best worker.
Don't even try.
Marshall is my best worker.
But you can try to be better than marshall.
Oh, yeah, and I promise that I I won't steal anything, or I won't be taking stuff.
If you do, I'll be on you like a large hawk.
Just work hard.
Hey, welcome back, man.
Hey, dude, check this out.
Oh, uh, yeah, dude, I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Why? You're the one who showed me how to do it.
Yeah.
Yeah, but, um I'm pretty sure that's that's how I got this rash Here.
See? And if you think that's bad, you should see my back.
Show me chris walken.
I can't wait Till I see that Sweet little thing.
You just got a million Hoo-ahh! Set me up with that chicky mama! Hoo-ahh! Hoo-ahh, hoo-ahh, hoo-ahh.
Hoo-ahh, hoo-ahh, hoo-ahh! What makes you think I won't cut you, chica? Oh, yeah! Ruh-roh, raggy.
I can't wait.
Scooby-dooby-doo.
Aroo-oo-oo! All right, shut up.
Mini-me, are you awake? Wake wake up.
Wake up.
You sure you don't want to stick around? No.
No.
Captioned by the national Www.
Ncicap.
Org