Unhitched s01e04 Episode Script

Thanks again for dinner.
That place was great.
Really? My sushi was a bit undercooked.
- Is everything a joke to you? - Everything but eczema.
- My purse! He stole my purse! - Hey! Hey, you OK, man? Gator, what the hell?! He's got my purse! - You sure you're OK? - You don't look so good.
Just a little winded.
Do something! Call for help! Yeah.
We've got an emergency, south end of the commons.
Could you send an ambulance? Make sure they pack extra oxygen.
Thank you.
Season 1 - Episode 4 " Mardi Gras Croc Attack " So how far did you Chase this guy? Well, It's not the distance that really matters.
I was moving at quite a clip.
About 60 feet.
Man, you are one out-of-shape sack.
Hey, you know, at his last physical, his blood pressure was "oh, my god" over "holy crap.
" Hey, Gator, you should come to this boxing class at my gym.
It's an amazing workout.
Is It "foxy boxing?" Yes, Tommy.
I go at it with girls, and we're all topless, and we're covered in baby oil.
I know what "foxy boxing" is.
Seriously Gator.
You're a single guy out in the dating world.
- You got to stay in shape.
- I don't know.
Boxing? You've got to put the gloves on, you're all sweaty, then you got to take the gloves off.
It's a whole to-do.
Hey, guys, how's it go.
What? Did I catch the baby's head on that? I'm sorry, pal.
It's fine.
It happens all the time.
Stephanie called.
She thinks someone might be trying to break into the house, so I got like a few minutes.
I want to know how that date was last night, T.
Who'd you go out with? This chick Erika that I met at the car wash.
Sounds romantic.
Come on T, throw the married guy a bone.
How was it? Well, not great.
We started getting into it, and she warned me that she'd never had a Three-way? Flying Horseman? Texas clam-bake? No, she said she'd never had an orgasm.
Of course, I didn't believe her.
Did I tell you my sister got a puppy? Beagle and cocker spaniel mix.
OK.
It's not exactly girls gone wild, but I can make it work.
Yeah, I told you.
I'm on my way.
Pal, I'm so sorry.
Look, you know what, Tommy, if it's any consolation, I had something similar happen to me on my wedding night.
You didn't give doreep the big "O"? No, no, I did.
It's just This is so embarrassing.
It lasted for merely one hour.
- An hour?! - Yeah.
Come on.
Don't rub it in, OK? I was really nervous, you know.
It was our first time together.
What exactly is disappointing about an orgasm that lasts longer than a bus ride to maine? Well, when you're accustomed to one that lasts as long as a bus ride to Canada.
What the hell is going on here? Seriously.
Lengthy orgasms are very common when you practice tantricex.
Come on, tantric sex? That's just something that sting made up.
Sting.
Yeah, he wishes.
No.
Tantric, guys, is basically the Indian art of conscious love making.
Fred, you gotta teach me that before I see Erika again.
If you're going to teach him here, can you put down some news paper? I'm not sure you have the discipline necessary, Tommy.
Please! I want to take this chick to maine.
- We all do.
It's just - No.
I want to take this chick to Canada.
Hey! Jab! Left hook! Upper cut! Right hook! Good work, everyone.
See ya next time.
And remember, no class saturday.
It's my son's bar Mitzvah.
Well? - You're right.
It's fun.
- I told you.
Hey, maybe next time, you could say "cut me, Mick" - a few hundred more times.
- Hey, who's the Million Dollar Baby? I don't know.
Never seen her before.
- I think I'm going to talk to her.
- look at you.
Cut me, Mick.
- It's funny.
- Should I use it? No.
OK.
Whatever it did, I'm sure it's sorry.
- I'm Gator, by the way.
- Nancy.
Hey, Nancy.
Hey, would you maybe want to practice a little? You know, work on some of the stuff we learned? Sure.
You and me or Should we get Morgan Freeman to narrate? One of the key principles to tantra is self-denial.
Between now and saturday, there no "solo flights,"? No "pulling a fast one," no "Starting the lawn mower," no "swinging the miniature Cricket bat," no "Five-finger festival of fun," and positively no "giving the little Bald man the Heimlich.
" What about Masturbation? Also off-limits! Nice try.
Kate.
Hi! Emma.
Hi.
Are you OK? Yeah.
It's just It's so weird to See someone from work completely - out of context.
- I know what you mean.
I once saw Judge Ruggles in the waiting room at my shrink.
Talk about awkward.
Yeah.
Talk about it.
Boy, I just had a killer spin class.
- My hammies are so darn tight - I'm so sure that I'll All right.
We just met, so nothing below the belt.
OK? Good, 'cause I forgot my cup.
OK.
Here comes my jab.
Are you ready? That was yours.
OK What do you got? My dead grandma could kick your sorry ass OK.
You know what, I'm not comfortable.
Why, 'cause you're a little girl? Have a nice day.
So there's this senior partner in my firm.
And it turns out, she's the kind of person who likes to hang out in the locker room, Buck Naked.
Aren't people supposed to be Naked in a locker room? Yes, but you're supposed to get in and get out.
You know? I mean, if you're going to sit around and do sudoku, put on a friggin'robe! It was just up in my face.
All of it.
These Huge, Giant, Saggy Boobs, looked like socks filled with pennies.
Really? Tell me more about the money bags.
I'm sorry.
Tommy has been practicing self-denial For like 46 minutes! Actually 32.
I got off to a slow start.
I'm sorry.
Hey, guys.
Sorry I'm late.
What? What? You haven't heard? He hasn't heard? You got beat up by a girl.
OK.
Why did you tell them that? Look how happy it made them.
First of all, I didn't get beat up.
OK? She was taunting me and hitting me.
And it's not like I'm going to hit her back.
Right.
Because it's not like you're in a boxing class.
It doesn't matter.
My parents raised me with this crazy idea that it's never OK to hit a girl.
Gator, that is not what it is.
You're just using any excuse to avoid a confrontation.
That's ridiculous.
Really? What about the big talk about me crashing your place too much? When's that going to happen? You might want to check your e-mail in the next couple of weeks.
My point is, I can take care of myself if I have to.
He's right, you guys.
Come on.
Just leave him alone and figure out what is we're going to have, OK? I think I'm going to have the "Gator got beaten up by a girl" platter.
Or a Reuben.
So, Tommy, how strong would you say your puboccygous muscle is? Is that a medical term for my junk? No, more specifically, it is the muscle that controls the flow of the peepee.
Tantra demands complete mastery of this muscle.
So, hands behind your head, and commence peeing.
And stop.
I.
I can't.
Pathetic.
Step back.
That was incredible, Freddy.
I can never pee like that.
Never say never, my friend.
Hey, good to see you.
Looking good.
Hi, Emma.
Steam room's working.
Resist the strawberry.
No, no, no.
You don't want it.
No, no, no.
Hey, hey! No! Jab, jab, jab, right! OK, that's it for today.
But it looks like everyone's makin'good progress.
Maze Tov, y'all.
Hey, hey, where were you? In the steam room, watching the naked beast knit a sweater.
Well, girls will be gis.
Hi, Gator.
Up for a little sparring? I think I'll take a pass.
Yeah, that's right, walk away.
'cause you know I'd kick your ass, you pathetic priss.
You're going to let her talk to you like that? No.
I'm going to handle it.
Hey, Vince.
Something I want to bring to your attention.
There's someone in class who's been A little belligerent toward me.
- Who is it? Fred? - No.
Jim? Earl? Tom? Spider? Nancy.
She's really making me feel kind of uncomfortable.
Yo, that ain't kosher.
- Don't worry.
I'll take care of her.
- Appreciate like you.
Yo, Nancy! You picking on this guy? No, Vince.
We were just sparring.
Then why is he schvitzing about you getting all up in his punim? Nobody's schvitzing.
Sorry.
I'll Leave him alone.
There you go, man.
All good.
Well-handled.
I hear they have a fantastic key-lime pie.
But I can't have it.
It goes straight to my thighs.
Right.
I should go.
My boxing class starts at 4:00 so Well, actually, It's only quarter of.
I always wear a watch.
Feel naked without it.
Sure.
Anyway, I need to bother you for a quick work question.
It's about the sawyer brief.
I took a look at It, and I feel the opening just kind of hangs there.
- My work is at the office so - That's OK.
I brought a copy.
I don't know why they gave me a locker on the bottom row.
Unfortunate.
Take a look.
See what I mean.
You know what? I'm sorry.
I can't do this.
Excuse me? I'm not comfortable with the whole naked thing.
It's my body, Isn't it? It disgusts you.
No, no, it's not you.
It's me.
- God, I'm a hideous creature.
- No, you're not, you're not.
You're hot.
It's why my husband left me.
He found me repulsive, too.
The last year of our marriage, he wouldn't even touch me.
Do you know how long it's been since I've had physical contact with another person? Better? You have no idea how good this feels.
Neat.
Yeah, OK.
Well, just let me know if another spot opens up.
What are you doing? I'm exploring the option of other boxing classes.
How about you explore the option of not being a wuss? You know, if I have a choice between a boxing class with a crazy, violent woman and a boxing class without a crazy, violent woman.
And 15% off all men's shorts.
Hey, you guys.
Guess who's ready for his close-up.
Gator, can I borrow your blue suit? Sure.
Why don't you try it on first, see if you like it.
So, you excited for the big date? No.
This is not Merely a date, Kate.
No, sir.
Tommy is about to take a tantric journey to a spiritual plane few westerners have ever visited.
How you feeling there, champ? Like a Volcano that's been banking lava for way too long.
That's a killer perfume you're wearing.
I like it.
- I really, really like it.
- OK, OK, down, boy.
Tommy, back away from the woman 5 breaths.
Did you see that? Did you see that? Tommy's training in self-denial have led him to a place of hyper-sensitivity.
He's finely tuned to even the slightest stimulus.
Hey, guys.
Man! Tommy! Good to see you, too, pal.
Boy, here we go.
You told on me? I voiced some concerns.
Why don't you and I settle this, once and for all? - Come on, punk! - OK, don't, all right? - Gator, do something! - I told you, i'm not gonna hit a girl.
Well, if you won't I will.
You've been asking for this a long Knock it off, knock it off! All right, that's enough! OK.
Get out of the way, all right? Thank you.
Where you going, Gator? Pansytown? I'm going to pansytown.
I'm the mayor of pansytown.
You know what I told you.
I'm not going to fight you.
That's right.
You two aren't gonna fight.
Finally, a voice of reason.
Not without mouth guards.
Look, I'm sorry, fight fans.
Not going to happen.
I'm a bust you up.
Go for it.
Oh, my god.
I am so sorry.
But in fairness, I did ask you to stop and you didn't stop.
Good job, Gator.
You made it mad.
Boy.
Come on, chump.
You ain't so bad.
That really hurt.
You as turned on as I am? You have no idea.
Now can we find another gym? Sure.
OK.
Look, it's not like it was a big deal.
Not at all.
I mean, things like that happen between close friends.
Like all the time.
- Did you tell your wife? - No.
Yeah, no reason to.
It didn't mean anything.
So Was it the best you ever had? It wasn't the worst.
All right.