Up All Night (2011) s01e04 Episode Script
New Car
Oh, this is gonna be so much fun.
We're going to the beach, going to the beach.
I gotta say, I kinda wish my car wasn't in the shop right now.
No, this is so much better, honey.
Plus Amy's never been in the convertible.
- She's gonna love it.
- Yeah, okay.
- Put it over here.
- Oh, you know what? We haven't put the base in yet.
Hang on.
Oh, God.
What angry Swede invented this stupid base? This is actually the safest one on the market.
I'm supposed to be pushing, you're supposed to be clicking.
No, I'm the one who's going to push, you're gonna click.
- Okay, careful, careful.
- Wait, wait.
Okay.
- Careful, careful, careful.
- What? You almost snapped that on my thumb web! - Okay, okay, okay! - There.
We got it.
Ow! No, no, no! My hair! - My hair is caught in it.
- Okay, okay.
Get it out, get it out! Is there any world in which you would think - about cutting your hair? - Chris! Don't put the smallest thing, for The softest stuff should go down.
- I can get this donut.
- Oh, there we go.
We don't need a stroller at the beach, right? No, it's okay.
You know what? No, I actually don't think we need it.
- Just pop it up.
- Let's just leave it here.
Leave it.
Honey, it's just a quick pop.
- Pop it.
Pop it.
- Bag the stroller.
You're supposed to pop it! - Okay, yeah.
- Trying to go to the beach? - What's that? - Trying to go to the beach? Yeah! What gave it away? The beach stuff? In that car? Good luck.
[Giggles.]
[Laughing.]
Thank you.
Won't be needing it, thanks.
Okay.
Going to the beach, going to the beach Yeah.
- Where's Amy? - Huh? Oh, my God.
We forgot the baby.
Oh, my God.
I can't reconfigure this backseat.
Well, we'll hit the beach next summer.
[Laughs.]
That was a quick trip! [Laughing.]
- See you later.
- State the obvious.
[Muttering.]
Hi! Oh, I love you.
Mwah! - Hey, babe? - Yeah? Are you gonna be working late tonight? I really want to start researching new cars for you.
What? Why? What? Because your car's not practical.
Oh, but it's adorable.
Plus, we always take Amy in your car anyway.
Babe, your car, is just It's not safe.
And I feel like it makes you really want to drive fast.
Come on, honey.
Think of all the good times we've had in that car.
Amy was conceived in that car.
Mmm, I don't think that's true.
Look, when I'm gunning it, with the top down and my big sexy sunglasses on, and I screech to a stop, I am telling a story, okay? I mean, the person next to me looks over and is like, "what's she about? "Is that a movie star over there? "Is that Suzanne Somers from American graffiti? "Or is that a mob boss' wife? Clearly, that girl has her own fragrance line.
" Wow, well I You know, that's great.
I don't want to step on you being a mob boss' wife or Suzanne Somers, but enjoy it while you can, 'cause we got to get a new car, and not just for us, for Amy too.
Whatever.
[Rock music playing.]
What are you thinking right now? Shh! Don't answer that.
Just simply take all this in.
'Cause it's about to go away.
Okay, so this segment's cut because we don't have time.
- That's all right.
- Don't worry about it.
- We'll get it in the next one.
- Hi, Ava.
You wanted us to tell you when you're in a magazine.
- [Gasps.]
I'm in a magazine? - Hey.
Is it stars, they're just like us? Am I feeding the meter or drinking out of a cup? You know, who cares what people say about you? We love you.
Give me that! Top ten celebrity dropouts? You made the top ten! Go, Ava! Hey! "Dumber than you think.
Is your favorite celebrity a high school drop" Aw, Missy, thank you so much for bringing this to our attention - right before the show.
- I didn't even make number one.
I'm number eight, between h.
G.
Wells and Billy Joel.
Who are these people? Oh, here's "celebrities who are smarter than you think.
" Tootie went to Pepperdine.
What? Are you kidding me? This is so unfair.
I mean, the only reason I left school was because of my career.
Reagan, you know that I was working.
- You were busy.
- Cutting a single that peaked at number three on the dance charts.
Vibe magazine said I was "the next Jody Watley.
" That song was banging.
boy, you be frontin' but I ain't backin' up Both: boy, you be scammin' but I ain't packin' up packin' up You know what? Someone should tell those elitist snobs at in touch that I have a g.
E.
D.
I was in the same night class where all the Laker wives get their g.
E.
D.
S.
And that class is tres difficile.
I'm well-read.
I'm intelligent, and you know what? My show should reflect that.
People are always telling me I should do more shows with gravitas.
- They are? - Yes.
People are always saying to me, "Ava, you have so much gravitas.
"You should be on the news.
You're the next Diane Sawyer.
" Uh, who's telling you this? I think you have gravitas.
Thank you, Missy.
Right back at you.
Ava, hon, I just don't think that gravitas is something that fits our show.
Oh, so are you saying my show - is just lightweight fluff? - No.
No, I am not saying that.
Your show helps women live their best lives.
- That is not lightweight fluff.
- I know.
People thank me every day.
I mean, I'm a miracle worker.
It's just that my show need room to grow.
I just finished a fascinating book.
Sweet valley high is nt gravitas, Missy.
Default: The collapse of the American economy.
Now that sounds gravitas.
I want you to book that author for Friday.
We are going to have one smart, sexy cross fire.
Ava, Chris read that book and it took him a month to get through it.
Are you insinuating that I won't like it because I won't understand it? No.
No.
You, honey, you are smart, like Tootie.
It just seems a little dry.
Well, maybe for you, but not for me.
Ooh, I can't wait to tuck into that book.
You better watch your back, Diane Sawyer.
All righty.
Hey, babe.
Checking out new cars? Yeah.
I am all over it.
All right.
Baby cowboy boots? - I have to ease in.
- Oh, come on, don't buy those.
Honey, look at them.
How cute are they? I have to.
They are baby cowboy boots, all right? Amy, has to have them.
Right 'cause she's going line dancing.
- Mm-hmm.
- She can't even walk yet.
- No, I have to.
- Don't buy them.
- Amy really wants them.
- Don't click by them.
Don't Oh! Yay! All right.
Check this one out.
- This one's not so bad.
- Oh, God, no.
Oh, that one.
Okay.
Well, calm down.
That's not that bad.
So sad getting rid of my car.
- I know.
- I mean, she and I have been through so much together.
Right.
Well, she's an inanimate object.
She doesn't actually have feelings.
Oh, really? Well, why don't you tell that to the velveteen rabbit, when they were about to throw him into the fire? Is that what happened? - Yeah.
- That story is ree-ough.
All right, you know what? - Let's have some more wine - Like that idea.
And try to make it fun.
Yes, yeah.
And we'll just have fun, and we'll start with the cars that we love and just work backwards from there.
All right.
Missy, I need to read this book.
No interruptions, no exceptions.
I have lit the candles, I've lowered the shades.
It's gonna be just me and my hardback boyfriend Default: The collapse of the American economy-- all night long, okay.
[Clears throat.]
[Clears throat.]
[Clears throat.]
Oh, hell no.
Missy! Did you delete that e-vite to Avril Lavigne's boat party? Run to the bathroom and splash out your pits, 'cause we're going.
All right, babe.
Check this out.
- What? - This is the car.
The one they used for the, uh, back to the future car! That thing made skid marks of fire, okay? That was insane.
Oh, you know what? Google, um, a-tevan.
- Google the a-tevan.
- Oh, yes.
A-tevan.
That would be so safe for Amy.
That thing can take machine-gun fire.
Are you kidding me? That thing could take a freaking missile.
[Both laugh.]
- Whoa.
- Holy crap.
It's like my childhood painted a beautiful rainbow.
I wanna make out with you in this van so bad.
And I want you to have feathered hair.
I will totally feather my hair, baby.
But you have to put in a feathered earring.
Don't even tempt me, sir, or I'll bust that thing out.
[Both laugh.]
And look at the captain chair thing.
She could swivel around on that and, like, play Oh, my God, babe! Check it out! It's got a tape deck.
That is perfect.
As you know, a lot of my early j.
Geils band - is not available on CD.
- Oh, no.
This No, this is ridiculous.
What are we talking about? Wait, give me that wine.
I'm gonna pour some more wine, you keep looking for wheels.
- Right.
- Wow, that's a lot of wine.
[Door bell rings, door clicks open.]
- Can I help you? - Chris Brinkley, I am Pete Littlebear.
Um, right.
Yeah, hey dude.
I hope you take good care of her.
[Keys jingle.]
What's going on? Did you buy that van last night? No.
But I might have bid on it.
Guess we won.
Yay.
This van is very lucky.
It saw the birth of two of my children.
But don't worry about the interior.
We laid down a woven birth-blanket.
Oh, that's nice.
Honey, did you hear that? Two of Pete's kids were born in this van.
On a birth blanket.
I hope she sees many of your children born as well.
I love the beautiful colors.
Looks like a sunset, kind of.
You know, Pete, the thing is we ended up having a bunch of wine last night.
Yeah, I accidentally pressed the send button.
[Eagle cries.]
Honey, I think Pete just shape-shifted into a bird.
That's totally Pete.
Wow.
ThisThis here was a horrible call.
Well, at least now I know what it's like - to drive a haunted house.
- Speaking of which, I tried calling Pete Littlebear, and I got his daughter.
It was a really bad connection but I'm pretty sure she said that Pete died 32 years ago.
No.
So what do you think? That we can get some sort of trade-in value from the dealer? Yeah.
No, we're going to get anything we want.
You kidding? I'm wearing my negotiating suit.
Also, I think it'll be really beneficial to us if the dealer Knows very little about cars.
And has a terrible sense of smell.
All right.
[Tape squealing.]
No.
No, no, no! No! Oh, my God.
It ate the spin doctors.
No.
[Squeaking.]
Upgrade to a v8.
That could be really good.
Um, excuse me.
No, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
You can't sleep here.
No, no, no.
We're here to buy a car.
We're not homeless.
I'm wearing a suit.
I usually drive a convertible BMW.
What do you have, um, that's practical, but maybe would have some tinted windows? Or like a sweet stereo? Something that'll sound really good blasting sabotage by the Beastie boys, you know what I mean? Something like that.
Right, you know, but safe, again, because even the Beastie boys haveHave kids now.
Yeah, like what Mike d would drive his kids to soccer in.
This is our most popular family model.
- Seems slow.
- Yeah, kind of beige.
We actually call this color champagne.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah, well that's - That has excitement to it.
- Fun.
It is fun.
You know, why don't we take her out for a spin? - I'll go get the keys.
- Thank you.
You know what? I'm gonna go with him.
Let him know that I'm a car guy.
Lay the ground work for an epic "Negosh.
" Look at the suit.
How is it? - Good? - You look great, babe.
- Okay, good.
- All right.
Watch this.
- So give it a kick.
- No, I mean, I don't need to.
- Go ahead.
- Okay, well, then [Phone dials.]
- Hey Missy.
- Oh, Reagan.
Oh, my God! [Rock music plays over phone.]
Listen, I'm just checking in to see if Ava's read the book.
We're in Vegas! You're in what? Vegas! Ava's really procrastinating.
I can't stop her! It's a runaway train of procrastination! - Ow! - Are you in a club? It's 2:00 P.
M.
Has she even touched the book? No! Check her Twitter.
There's nothing I can do! Oh, my God.
Foam's coming from the ceiling! My God.
- It's a smooth ride.
- Yeah.
- Horsepower feels about right? - Mm-hmm, yeah.
Plus, we're buying American, - so can't go wrong there.
- Totally.
[Chanting.]
U.
S.
A.
U.
S.
A.
The best damn country in the world.
Yeah "Love it or leave it," huh? Look at us, though, babe, just all grown up - Making good decisions.
- Yeah.
We don't need a car to define us.
- We know who we are.
- Yeah, exactly.
Hey, guys.
- Hi.
- [Laughs.]
- That's the same car.
- Yeah.
- Same car.
- They have the same car.
Hi! That's That as far as it goes.
That's as far as the window goes? Wait, are you telling me we're trapped in here? You can change the window settings.
Read the manual under "advanced children safety-lock features.
" God, that sentence just killed me.
Oh, look at that.
Oh.
Babe, yesterday I was Suzanne Somers from American graffiti.
Look, you guys are obviously conflicted about this.
But you have a baby, and this is one of the best cars for kids out there.
Well, we gotta do it - For Amy.
- For Amy.
Both: Car buddies! - Yeah.
- Oh.
Does it at least come in black? We'll get the new car tomorrow, - and you are gonna be so safe.
- Yeah.
The only thing that we can never protect you from, Amy, is own cuteness.
That's indefensible.
Hello! [Door clacks shut.]
- Ava.
- Hi.
Everything okay? No.
I'm freaking out about this book.
Oh, hello Amy.
That onesie really takes the pounds off.
So I'm assuming that you have not read it.
[Whispers.]
Someone's gonna go to sleep.
I'll never understand it, and I'm interviewing a genius tomorrow.
I mean, look at this guy! Looks all mean and judgy.
I mean, I feel as dumb as I did back in my sad high school days in the Florida panhandle wearing my mannish cousin's hand-me-down overalls.
Yes, we know the back story.
And that hurricane took our house.
That never happened.
Now listen to me.
You need to focus, okay, Ava? I mean, you don't think that Diane Sawyer gets insecure, from time to time? Why? Because of her hair? No.
When she has a big interview.
You just have to do the work.
You know, Ava, I read that book.
I could help you study if you want.
[Gasps.]
- Really? - Yeah.
You'll help me study, Chris? Like you're my High school boyfriend, and we're high school senior sweethearts? Well, I'mNo.
II went to law school, so I know how to cram for a test.
I'll put some coffee on.
Let's do it! This is gonna be good.
This'll be fun.
- Okay.
- Let's get jacked up.
Don't worry, we are gonna get into how the s.
E.
C.
Dropped the ball.
That's coming.
But first, we gotta start with the monetary policy.
And then we'll get into the hilarity Derivatives!-- Don't even-- [laughs.]
That's gonna be fun.
- Nerd, right? - Yeah.
So the saltshaker is the banking industry, okay? And the marbles are deregulation, and the cream cheese was congressional oversight.
Now, when you took the marbles away, and the cream cheese became beholden to their salt, and the pepperThe, uh, mortgage back securities Turns out they never existed.
None of it ever existed, so UmAnd what was the saltshaker again? The saltshaker was theS.
E.
C.
But then-- - right.
- The lemon Elizabeth Warren soured all over that where they tried to take all the money away.
And the neck pillow was at the center of something.
Neck pillow was a hub of some sort.
God, I can't remember how I got the Should we do another pizza run? Definitely.
Cheese in the crust! What I'm saying is that everyone involved with the mortgage crisis behaved incredibly irresponsibly.
And the banks were fee-driven, but they weren't being forced to carry any of the risk.
- Does she have it? - I have no idea.
When I got up this morning, Ava was gone, Chris was conked out, and there were marbles in my vacuum.
- So I - Well, I think we all know where the-- the real blame lies, right? Oh, come on, Ava.
Come on, come on, come on.
The investment bank securitized and sold bundled mortgage investments while making massive bets that they would fail.
I'd start the blame right there.
Exactly.
I mean, I could not have put that better myself.
[Applause.]
It is amazing how prophetic - your book is.
- Thank you, Ava.
Up next, we'll discuss resulting political instability.
Be right back.
[Applause.]
Thank you.
[Whispers.]
Would you excuse us for just a second.
Hey, you were killing it.
- Oh, my God.
- Honey, you are ovaries deep as gravitas right now, let me tell you.
The audience isn't feeling it.
You were right.
It's it's not our show.
- Well, I - Ava, we're back.
All right, well, then what you wanna do? Ooh.
Ooh! [Snaps fingers.]
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? I don'tI don't know what you're thinking.
Yeah.
Okay.
We're back with economist and best-selling author Matthew Taylor.
And Matthew, let's step out of the realm of economics for just a moment And Now I assume you spent many years in school.
- Yes.
- Let's talk about bullying - for just a moment.
- Bullying? Uh, yes, well, as a matter of fact I was bullied, yes.
I thought so.
What happened? Well, actually, um I, uhWas pretty much tormented on a daily basis by Football players in In the locker room.
Sometimes it It crossed the line.
- Hmm.
Physically? - Yes.
- Emotionally? - Yes.
Sexually? Yes.
[Gasps.]
[All gasping.]
- She did it.
- That poor economist.
[Softly.]
Sorry.
[Whispers.]
Hello.
Oh, my God! What did you do? - Is this the mom car? - No, this is your car.
- [Gasps.]
- Yeah.
I threw on some sweet-ass rims, gave the windows a tint, [Laughs.]
Threw in a dream catcher on the rearview to harness all the good vibes.
The sunset is optional.
Just peels right off, but - Oh, check this out.
- [Whispers.]
Wow! I had them install a tape deck! - No.
- Yeah.
They asked me three times, "are you sure?" I guess it actually lowers the value of the car, butI think it's worth it.
[Rock music plays.]
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
And [Gasps.]
Amy, boo-boo.
The boots.
Dude, you're seriously the best guy in the world.
Hey, want to drive us to the beach? We don't have all our stuff.
Yeah, we do.
It's all in there.
It's so practical.
We're going to the beach, going to the beach What story are you inventing about me? Hmm? Did I just blow your mind with all this? Yeah.
Thought so.
Also I might be a spy.
[Tires squeal.]
We're going to the beach, going to the beach.
I gotta say, I kinda wish my car wasn't in the shop right now.
No, this is so much better, honey.
Plus Amy's never been in the convertible.
- She's gonna love it.
- Yeah, okay.
- Put it over here.
- Oh, you know what? We haven't put the base in yet.
Hang on.
Oh, God.
What angry Swede invented this stupid base? This is actually the safest one on the market.
I'm supposed to be pushing, you're supposed to be clicking.
No, I'm the one who's going to push, you're gonna click.
- Okay, careful, careful.
- Wait, wait.
Okay.
- Careful, careful, careful.
- What? You almost snapped that on my thumb web! - Okay, okay, okay! - There.
We got it.
Ow! No, no, no! My hair! - My hair is caught in it.
- Okay, okay.
Get it out, get it out! Is there any world in which you would think - about cutting your hair? - Chris! Don't put the smallest thing, for The softest stuff should go down.
- I can get this donut.
- Oh, there we go.
We don't need a stroller at the beach, right? No, it's okay.
You know what? No, I actually don't think we need it.
- Just pop it up.
- Let's just leave it here.
Leave it.
Honey, it's just a quick pop.
- Pop it.
Pop it.
- Bag the stroller.
You're supposed to pop it! - Okay, yeah.
- Trying to go to the beach? - What's that? - Trying to go to the beach? Yeah! What gave it away? The beach stuff? In that car? Good luck.
[Giggles.]
[Laughing.]
Thank you.
Won't be needing it, thanks.
Okay.
Going to the beach, going to the beach Yeah.
- Where's Amy? - Huh? Oh, my God.
We forgot the baby.
Oh, my God.
I can't reconfigure this backseat.
Well, we'll hit the beach next summer.
[Laughs.]
That was a quick trip! [Laughing.]
- See you later.
- State the obvious.
[Muttering.]
Hi! Oh, I love you.
Mwah! - Hey, babe? - Yeah? Are you gonna be working late tonight? I really want to start researching new cars for you.
What? Why? What? Because your car's not practical.
Oh, but it's adorable.
Plus, we always take Amy in your car anyway.
Babe, your car, is just It's not safe.
And I feel like it makes you really want to drive fast.
Come on, honey.
Think of all the good times we've had in that car.
Amy was conceived in that car.
Mmm, I don't think that's true.
Look, when I'm gunning it, with the top down and my big sexy sunglasses on, and I screech to a stop, I am telling a story, okay? I mean, the person next to me looks over and is like, "what's she about? "Is that a movie star over there? "Is that Suzanne Somers from American graffiti? "Or is that a mob boss' wife? Clearly, that girl has her own fragrance line.
" Wow, well I You know, that's great.
I don't want to step on you being a mob boss' wife or Suzanne Somers, but enjoy it while you can, 'cause we got to get a new car, and not just for us, for Amy too.
Whatever.
[Rock music playing.]
What are you thinking right now? Shh! Don't answer that.
Just simply take all this in.
'Cause it's about to go away.
Okay, so this segment's cut because we don't have time.
- That's all right.
- Don't worry about it.
- We'll get it in the next one.
- Hi, Ava.
You wanted us to tell you when you're in a magazine.
- [Gasps.]
I'm in a magazine? - Hey.
Is it stars, they're just like us? Am I feeding the meter or drinking out of a cup? You know, who cares what people say about you? We love you.
Give me that! Top ten celebrity dropouts? You made the top ten! Go, Ava! Hey! "Dumber than you think.
Is your favorite celebrity a high school drop" Aw, Missy, thank you so much for bringing this to our attention - right before the show.
- I didn't even make number one.
I'm number eight, between h.
G.
Wells and Billy Joel.
Who are these people? Oh, here's "celebrities who are smarter than you think.
" Tootie went to Pepperdine.
What? Are you kidding me? This is so unfair.
I mean, the only reason I left school was because of my career.
Reagan, you know that I was working.
- You were busy.
- Cutting a single that peaked at number three on the dance charts.
Vibe magazine said I was "the next Jody Watley.
" That song was banging.
boy, you be frontin' but I ain't backin' up Both: boy, you be scammin' but I ain't packin' up packin' up You know what? Someone should tell those elitist snobs at in touch that I have a g.
E.
D.
I was in the same night class where all the Laker wives get their g.
E.
D.
S.
And that class is tres difficile.
I'm well-read.
I'm intelligent, and you know what? My show should reflect that.
People are always telling me I should do more shows with gravitas.
- They are? - Yes.
People are always saying to me, "Ava, you have so much gravitas.
"You should be on the news.
You're the next Diane Sawyer.
" Uh, who's telling you this? I think you have gravitas.
Thank you, Missy.
Right back at you.
Ava, hon, I just don't think that gravitas is something that fits our show.
Oh, so are you saying my show - is just lightweight fluff? - No.
No, I am not saying that.
Your show helps women live their best lives.
- That is not lightweight fluff.
- I know.
People thank me every day.
I mean, I'm a miracle worker.
It's just that my show need room to grow.
I just finished a fascinating book.
Sweet valley high is nt gravitas, Missy.
Default: The collapse of the American economy.
Now that sounds gravitas.
I want you to book that author for Friday.
We are going to have one smart, sexy cross fire.
Ava, Chris read that book and it took him a month to get through it.
Are you insinuating that I won't like it because I won't understand it? No.
No.
You, honey, you are smart, like Tootie.
It just seems a little dry.
Well, maybe for you, but not for me.
Ooh, I can't wait to tuck into that book.
You better watch your back, Diane Sawyer.
All righty.
Hey, babe.
Checking out new cars? Yeah.
I am all over it.
All right.
Baby cowboy boots? - I have to ease in.
- Oh, come on, don't buy those.
Honey, look at them.
How cute are they? I have to.
They are baby cowboy boots, all right? Amy, has to have them.
Right 'cause she's going line dancing.
- Mm-hmm.
- She can't even walk yet.
- No, I have to.
- Don't buy them.
- Amy really wants them.
- Don't click by them.
Don't Oh! Yay! All right.
Check this one out.
- This one's not so bad.
- Oh, God, no.
Oh, that one.
Okay.
Well, calm down.
That's not that bad.
So sad getting rid of my car.
- I know.
- I mean, she and I have been through so much together.
Right.
Well, she's an inanimate object.
She doesn't actually have feelings.
Oh, really? Well, why don't you tell that to the velveteen rabbit, when they were about to throw him into the fire? Is that what happened? - Yeah.
- That story is ree-ough.
All right, you know what? - Let's have some more wine - Like that idea.
And try to make it fun.
Yes, yeah.
And we'll just have fun, and we'll start with the cars that we love and just work backwards from there.
All right.
Missy, I need to read this book.
No interruptions, no exceptions.
I have lit the candles, I've lowered the shades.
It's gonna be just me and my hardback boyfriend Default: The collapse of the American economy-- all night long, okay.
[Clears throat.]
[Clears throat.]
[Clears throat.]
Oh, hell no.
Missy! Did you delete that e-vite to Avril Lavigne's boat party? Run to the bathroom and splash out your pits, 'cause we're going.
All right, babe.
Check this out.
- What? - This is the car.
The one they used for the, uh, back to the future car! That thing made skid marks of fire, okay? That was insane.
Oh, you know what? Google, um, a-tevan.
- Google the a-tevan.
- Oh, yes.
A-tevan.
That would be so safe for Amy.
That thing can take machine-gun fire.
Are you kidding me? That thing could take a freaking missile.
[Both laugh.]
- Whoa.
- Holy crap.
It's like my childhood painted a beautiful rainbow.
I wanna make out with you in this van so bad.
And I want you to have feathered hair.
I will totally feather my hair, baby.
But you have to put in a feathered earring.
Don't even tempt me, sir, or I'll bust that thing out.
[Both laugh.]
And look at the captain chair thing.
She could swivel around on that and, like, play Oh, my God, babe! Check it out! It's got a tape deck.
That is perfect.
As you know, a lot of my early j.
Geils band - is not available on CD.
- Oh, no.
This No, this is ridiculous.
What are we talking about? Wait, give me that wine.
I'm gonna pour some more wine, you keep looking for wheels.
- Right.
- Wow, that's a lot of wine.
[Door bell rings, door clicks open.]
- Can I help you? - Chris Brinkley, I am Pete Littlebear.
Um, right.
Yeah, hey dude.
I hope you take good care of her.
[Keys jingle.]
What's going on? Did you buy that van last night? No.
But I might have bid on it.
Guess we won.
Yay.
This van is very lucky.
It saw the birth of two of my children.
But don't worry about the interior.
We laid down a woven birth-blanket.
Oh, that's nice.
Honey, did you hear that? Two of Pete's kids were born in this van.
On a birth blanket.
I hope she sees many of your children born as well.
I love the beautiful colors.
Looks like a sunset, kind of.
You know, Pete, the thing is we ended up having a bunch of wine last night.
Yeah, I accidentally pressed the send button.
[Eagle cries.]
Honey, I think Pete just shape-shifted into a bird.
That's totally Pete.
Wow.
ThisThis here was a horrible call.
Well, at least now I know what it's like - to drive a haunted house.
- Speaking of which, I tried calling Pete Littlebear, and I got his daughter.
It was a really bad connection but I'm pretty sure she said that Pete died 32 years ago.
No.
So what do you think? That we can get some sort of trade-in value from the dealer? Yeah.
No, we're going to get anything we want.
You kidding? I'm wearing my negotiating suit.
Also, I think it'll be really beneficial to us if the dealer Knows very little about cars.
And has a terrible sense of smell.
All right.
[Tape squealing.]
No.
No, no, no! No! Oh, my God.
It ate the spin doctors.
No.
[Squeaking.]
Upgrade to a v8.
That could be really good.
Um, excuse me.
No, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
You can't sleep here.
No, no, no.
We're here to buy a car.
We're not homeless.
I'm wearing a suit.
I usually drive a convertible BMW.
What do you have, um, that's practical, but maybe would have some tinted windows? Or like a sweet stereo? Something that'll sound really good blasting sabotage by the Beastie boys, you know what I mean? Something like that.
Right, you know, but safe, again, because even the Beastie boys haveHave kids now.
Yeah, like what Mike d would drive his kids to soccer in.
This is our most popular family model.
- Seems slow.
- Yeah, kind of beige.
We actually call this color champagne.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah, well that's - That has excitement to it.
- Fun.
It is fun.
You know, why don't we take her out for a spin? - I'll go get the keys.
- Thank you.
You know what? I'm gonna go with him.
Let him know that I'm a car guy.
Lay the ground work for an epic "Negosh.
" Look at the suit.
How is it? - Good? - You look great, babe.
- Okay, good.
- All right.
Watch this.
- So give it a kick.
- No, I mean, I don't need to.
- Go ahead.
- Okay, well, then [Phone dials.]
- Hey Missy.
- Oh, Reagan.
Oh, my God! [Rock music plays over phone.]
Listen, I'm just checking in to see if Ava's read the book.
We're in Vegas! You're in what? Vegas! Ava's really procrastinating.
I can't stop her! It's a runaway train of procrastination! - Ow! - Are you in a club? It's 2:00 P.
M.
Has she even touched the book? No! Check her Twitter.
There's nothing I can do! Oh, my God.
Foam's coming from the ceiling! My God.
- It's a smooth ride.
- Yeah.
- Horsepower feels about right? - Mm-hmm, yeah.
Plus, we're buying American, - so can't go wrong there.
- Totally.
[Chanting.]
U.
S.
A.
U.
S.
A.
The best damn country in the world.
Yeah "Love it or leave it," huh? Look at us, though, babe, just all grown up - Making good decisions.
- Yeah.
We don't need a car to define us.
- We know who we are.
- Yeah, exactly.
Hey, guys.
- Hi.
- [Laughs.]
- That's the same car.
- Yeah.
- Same car.
- They have the same car.
Hi! That's That as far as it goes.
That's as far as the window goes? Wait, are you telling me we're trapped in here? You can change the window settings.
Read the manual under "advanced children safety-lock features.
" God, that sentence just killed me.
Oh, look at that.
Oh.
Babe, yesterday I was Suzanne Somers from American graffiti.
Look, you guys are obviously conflicted about this.
But you have a baby, and this is one of the best cars for kids out there.
Well, we gotta do it - For Amy.
- For Amy.
Both: Car buddies! - Yeah.
- Oh.
Does it at least come in black? We'll get the new car tomorrow, - and you are gonna be so safe.
- Yeah.
The only thing that we can never protect you from, Amy, is own cuteness.
That's indefensible.
Hello! [Door clacks shut.]
- Ava.
- Hi.
Everything okay? No.
I'm freaking out about this book.
Oh, hello Amy.
That onesie really takes the pounds off.
So I'm assuming that you have not read it.
[Whispers.]
Someone's gonna go to sleep.
I'll never understand it, and I'm interviewing a genius tomorrow.
I mean, look at this guy! Looks all mean and judgy.
I mean, I feel as dumb as I did back in my sad high school days in the Florida panhandle wearing my mannish cousin's hand-me-down overalls.
Yes, we know the back story.
And that hurricane took our house.
That never happened.
Now listen to me.
You need to focus, okay, Ava? I mean, you don't think that Diane Sawyer gets insecure, from time to time? Why? Because of her hair? No.
When she has a big interview.
You just have to do the work.
You know, Ava, I read that book.
I could help you study if you want.
[Gasps.]
- Really? - Yeah.
You'll help me study, Chris? Like you're my High school boyfriend, and we're high school senior sweethearts? Well, I'mNo.
II went to law school, so I know how to cram for a test.
I'll put some coffee on.
Let's do it! This is gonna be good.
This'll be fun.
- Okay.
- Let's get jacked up.
Don't worry, we are gonna get into how the s.
E.
C.
Dropped the ball.
That's coming.
But first, we gotta start with the monetary policy.
And then we'll get into the hilarity Derivatives!-- Don't even-- [laughs.]
That's gonna be fun.
- Nerd, right? - Yeah.
So the saltshaker is the banking industry, okay? And the marbles are deregulation, and the cream cheese was congressional oversight.
Now, when you took the marbles away, and the cream cheese became beholden to their salt, and the pepperThe, uh, mortgage back securities Turns out they never existed.
None of it ever existed, so UmAnd what was the saltshaker again? The saltshaker was theS.
E.
C.
But then-- - right.
- The lemon Elizabeth Warren soured all over that where they tried to take all the money away.
And the neck pillow was at the center of something.
Neck pillow was a hub of some sort.
God, I can't remember how I got the Should we do another pizza run? Definitely.
Cheese in the crust! What I'm saying is that everyone involved with the mortgage crisis behaved incredibly irresponsibly.
And the banks were fee-driven, but they weren't being forced to carry any of the risk.
- Does she have it? - I have no idea.
When I got up this morning, Ava was gone, Chris was conked out, and there were marbles in my vacuum.
- So I - Well, I think we all know where the-- the real blame lies, right? Oh, come on, Ava.
Come on, come on, come on.
The investment bank securitized and sold bundled mortgage investments while making massive bets that they would fail.
I'd start the blame right there.
Exactly.
I mean, I could not have put that better myself.
[Applause.]
It is amazing how prophetic - your book is.
- Thank you, Ava.
Up next, we'll discuss resulting political instability.
Be right back.
[Applause.]
Thank you.
[Whispers.]
Would you excuse us for just a second.
Hey, you were killing it.
- Oh, my God.
- Honey, you are ovaries deep as gravitas right now, let me tell you.
The audience isn't feeling it.
You were right.
It's it's not our show.
- Well, I - Ava, we're back.
All right, well, then what you wanna do? Ooh.
Ooh! [Snaps fingers.]
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? I don'tI don't know what you're thinking.
Yeah.
Okay.
We're back with economist and best-selling author Matthew Taylor.
And Matthew, let's step out of the realm of economics for just a moment And Now I assume you spent many years in school.
- Yes.
- Let's talk about bullying - for just a moment.
- Bullying? Uh, yes, well, as a matter of fact I was bullied, yes.
I thought so.
What happened? Well, actually, um I, uhWas pretty much tormented on a daily basis by Football players in In the locker room.
Sometimes it It crossed the line.
- Hmm.
Physically? - Yes.
- Emotionally? - Yes.
Sexually? Yes.
[Gasps.]
[All gasping.]
- She did it.
- That poor economist.
[Softly.]
Sorry.
[Whispers.]
Hello.
Oh, my God! What did you do? - Is this the mom car? - No, this is your car.
- [Gasps.]
- Yeah.
I threw on some sweet-ass rims, gave the windows a tint, [Laughs.]
Threw in a dream catcher on the rearview to harness all the good vibes.
The sunset is optional.
Just peels right off, but - Oh, check this out.
- [Whispers.]
Wow! I had them install a tape deck! - No.
- Yeah.
They asked me three times, "are you sure?" I guess it actually lowers the value of the car, butI think it's worth it.
[Rock music plays.]
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
And [Gasps.]
Amy, boo-boo.
The boots.
Dude, you're seriously the best guy in the world.
Hey, want to drive us to the beach? We don't have all our stuff.
Yeah, we do.
It's all in there.
It's so practical.
We're going to the beach, going to the beach What story are you inventing about me? Hmm? Did I just blow your mind with all this? Yeah.
Thought so.
Also I might be a spy.
[Tires squeal.]