Walking and Talking (2012) s01e04 Episode Script

1 Something amazing has happened.
I finally got a place at the drama club.
50p a lesson which, well, let's face it, is a bit of a flipping bargain.
I don't start for a couple of months but I was allowed to go and watch a class last night and it was fantastic.
The lady who runs it is called Anna Scher.
She's an Irish Jewess, whatever that is.
And I've never seen a teacher like it.
There must've been over 60 kids in that class.
All shy and running about and kissing each other, which I think is a bit weird Then this tiny woman with long blonde hair and purple boots, whizzing a football rattle round her head walks in and everyone, I mean everyone ran to their seats and kept shtum for the next two hours.
How the flip did she do that? I couldn't take it all in, you know.
But the gist of it is that it's all based on improvisation.
Which means making it up as you go along.
So, I'd say something, then you'd say something, then I'd say something, then you'd say something, then I'd say something, then you'd say something, and then you got a play.
Inside I was like, "Phew, guy.
" 'Cause I thought I'd have to do Shakespeare and stuff but no, he didn't even get a mention.
I didn't do any acting, I just sat and watched, but when I got home that night, it was only about 9:00 or something, and I was so tired, I mean, totally knackered, that I fell asleep in front of the television.
I have never done that.
And Steptoe and Son was on.
Oh, you are revolting! Uh, Sister? - Please, Sister.
- What do you want? Can Mary have her necklace back, please? What necklace? The necklace you took off her in assembly.
Do you know what the word "confiscated" means? Yes, Sister.
So what makes you think you should get your necklace back so soon after I was taking it from you? I dunno, Sister.
It's "I do not know, Sister.
" Not "I dunno, Sister.
" Sorry.
Waste of feckin' time educating this one over the last four years.
Open up.
- Which one is it? - It's the "Larry" one, Sister.
Oh, the "Larry" one, is it? And who may I ask is Larry? Is it Larry Grayson that gave it to you? - No! - Oh, that's a shame.
Now, I like Larry Grayson.
He would make a great boyfriend.
Oh, look at this beautiful thing! It's pure gold! So, what carat is that? - Tinned? - He can't afford real gold, - he's on the dole.
- Is he? Prospects as well as generosity? You've got yourself a catch there.
I thought Jesus said it's the thought that counts, Sister.
Well, the sentiment is much akin to our Lord, miss smarty-pants.
But I think you'll find the phrase was first coined by Mr Hallmark.
Read your Bible.
And get a Brillo Pad to that neck of yours.
Looks like you've caught the feckin' plague.
Yes, Sister.
Very impressive, Sister.
Did I do okay? Well, you know, these last few weeks of training have not been in vain.
You've toughened up beautifully.
You know, when we changed from grammar to comprehensive, I'll be honest with you, I didn't think you could hack it.
But you've proved yourself more than ready to face the inbreds and whatnots that now roam the corridors.
I feel ready, Sister, I feel ready for anything.
Well, just calm down now, you're not quite the Norman Mailer yet, but you're getting there.
By God, you're getting there.
I'm delighted! Better not put this back on, eh? Does my neck look really bad? Nah, you're all right.
Don't worry about that old battleaxe.
It'll come off.
- Just a bit of old tat, ain't it? - Well, don't wear it, then.
Nah, Larry gets cross if I don't wear it.
I'm scared I'll make him angry.
Oh, does he get angry a lot, then? Yeah, sometimes.
Not all the time.
I never know what's going to set him off.
One minute he can be all right and then poof, he's like Animal from The Muppets.
Loses his temper just like that.
"Just like that.
Not like that.
Just like that.
" Stupid.
- Tell him you lost it.
- Nah.
Yeah, guy, why not? He won't know.
I dunno.
I'm not as good at lying as you are.
I go bright red and my eye goes like this.
I'll have to think about it.
Well, he shouldn't get angry with you, though, Mare.
- He's not your dad.
- I know.
He's all right, it's just I think he gets the hump about things 'cause he got hit on the head as a kid and had to have a brain operation.
- What? - Yeah, guy.
Scaffold fell down and he was in his pram or something, they thought he was going to die.
Then he had a brain operation and he was all right.
He's still got a big scar, you can see it now he's got his skinhead.
And he said sometimes when he gets headaches, his nut goes all fuzzy and he loses his temper.
Sounds a loony toons to me, mate.
And If I tell you something, do you promise to keep it secret? Yeah, what? Well, the other night I was round his house.
You know how his mum's really nice and lets us be on our own in his room and that? - Yeah.
- Well, the other night, we were just having a cuddle on his bed and listening to records and just cuddling, nothing else.
And he was telling me jokes and showing me his air rifle and being really funny and I was laughing, just having a nice time and not thinking about anything, and he asked if I wanted to get engaged.
- What? - I know, I was really flipping stumped.
- It was just out of the whatsit.
- Out of the blue? Out of the blue and I didn't know what to say.
Flipping heck! So, what did you say, man? I just said I'm too young and my mum and dad wouldn't like it.
And he said, "Don't you love me?" and I said, "Yeah, "but I didn't want to get married or anything till I'm at least 18.
" And he laughed right in my face, guy, and he said, "I'm not asking you to marry me, I'm just asking to get engaged.
"There is a difference, you know.
" - Well, there ain't, really.
- I know there ain't.
So I just said, I'd have to think about it.
And he said, "Well, don't take too long "because the jewellers in Upper Street are closing down "and they've got a sale on.
" Oh, cor, that's romantic.
I got a bit tough with him and I said I didn't think it was a good idea to get engaged just yet and I liked things the way they are and oh man, you mustn't say a word to anyone.
- I won't.
- He burst out crying! - What? - He burst out crying, guy.
Just sat there and cried and cried and cried.
I didn't know where to look and I was bright red and he said, "You can't love me.
" And I said I did, - and he had all snot all over his nose.
- Oh, yuck.
He was in a right state, and he said I was so special and completely different to Bernie Cavey 'cause he He couldn't trust her because she was finger-lickin' good and he really trusted me.
And his dad had said, "If you can find a girl that you can trust, "you should keep hold of her because they're all slags.
" What? I ain't a slag.
And I didn't know what to do, so I said, - "All right, then.
" - What? I didn't know what to do, guy! So what are you saying? Are you telling me you're engaged, Mare? I dunno.
Sort of.
I suppose.
Yeah, I must be, I'm flipping engaged, yeah.
Oh, this is a flipping disaster.
I know, this is a massive flipping disaster.
What are you going to do? I don't know, I haven't got a clue, guy.
What did he say when you said all right, then? Oh, God, he was so happy, he just scooped me up and swung me round and kissed me loads and said, "You're my girl, you're my girl!" like that.
Well, that's quite sweet.
And then I said, "Look, I'd better go home now.
" 'Cause I was scared he'd suss that I was lying 'cause I was bright red and my eye was twitching.
And he said, "Don't tell anyone just yet.
" I said, "Okay.
" And he said, "Love you.
" And I said, "Love you, too.
" Even though I don't.
Then I left and ran all the way home.
- And that was that? - Yeah.
- Going to have a party? - What? I'm only joking, man.
I've got to finish it with him, ain't I? - It's all got too much.
- Do you reckon? It's much harder having a boyfriend than I thought, you know.
Sounds it.
You're better off with the ones in your head.
I've been going out with Paul Weller for over a year now.
He's no trouble.
Would you do it for me? - What? - Finish it with Larry for me.
- He might hit me.
- He won't hit you.
- Well, how do you know? - Ring him! - I haven't got a phone.
- Well, go to the phone box, stupid.
Oi.
You can cut that out.
Don't call me stupid.
Sorry.
You can, though.
You can go to the phone box and ring him right now.
- I ain't got no money.
- I have.
- He might not be in.
- He will.
Fingerbobs are on the telly today and he loves that.
- What if his mum answers? - She won't, she's at work.
Flipping hit me.
Do I have to? Oh, please.
What are you going to give me? Bag of chips? I'll buy you a bag of chips.
Nah.
Nah, this is too big for chips, man.
I know.
When Quadrophenia comes out you have to get us in through that mate of Larry's and you have to buy the tickets.
Well, that might be a bit tricky if I don't go out with Larry no more.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
- All right, then, a bag of chips.
- Done.
Come on, let's find a phone box.
Start thinking about what you're going to say.
Flipping heck! It's acting really, innit? - What is? - Lying.
It's like acting, innit? That's probably why I'm good at it and you're not.
I have to be a good liar if I want to be a good actor.
In the drama club, the acting's all making it up as you go along, - so it's like lying innit? - I suppose, yeah.
Got a head start there, then.
- Are there any nice boys there? - Oh, loads.
It's like the pick-and-mix at Woolies.
Any type you want is there, even posh boys.
- Posh boys? Yuck! - That's what I thought at first.
I was surprised there were posh boys there at all, but there are posh bits in Islington, isn't there? So there's bound to be some that like drama.
- You know Ken Barlow? - Yeah.
He's posh, too, and he lives in Islington.
He's got two houses knocked into one round the back of the church.
Hey, do you remember that parrot what used to swear at everyone round the back of the church? Oh, flipping heck, I haven't thought about that for years.
Must be dead by now, though.
And it weren't a parrot, it was a cockatoo.
- A what? - A cockatoo.
- A cockatoo? - A cock or two.
- I'll have two please, missus.
- Cock-a-doodle-two! Once, when I was about eight or something, I walked past it and it said something, but not a swear word.
And I went up to it to say hello.
And it said, "Hello, sexy" back to me and I felt bright red, guy, then it said, "Buy me sweets, buy me sweets" like that and I said, "No man, I ain't got no sweets.
" And then it said, "Liar, liar, pants on fire.
" - What? - Yeah, guy.
And then I said, "Look, I promise I ain't got no sweets, man.
" I don't think I would've said "man" back then.
When did we start saying "man", guy? - I dunno.
- It's nuts, innit? My dad said, "Man? Guy? Is it Guy Fawkes you're referring to?" That's what my dad said! They must think they're funny or something.
Yeah, must think they're flipping Eric and Ernie or something.
"What do you think of it so far?" "Oh, rubbish.
" Then he said, "Give us a sweet "or I'll peck you to death.
" And I was only like eight or something and I got a bit scared and I farted and then some wee come out.
And then the owner come out and said, "Oi, stop mucking about with my bird.
" And I said, "Oh, I didn't know it was your girlfriend.
" And he said, "Don't be so flipping cheeky or I'll set it on you.
" Blimey.
Yeah, guy, and I was only a little squirt.
What a bully.
And then, listen to this, the bird goes, "Oi, leave the kid alone, man, I love her more than you.
" - No.
- That's right, no.
- What do you mean? - I mean no.
- Don't get it.
- Flipping heck, man, I mean no.
None of that happened.
I was making it up.
- What? - I was lying.
Or as they say at the drama club, improvising.
That was brilliant, guy.
Yeah, and quite hard, 'cause I was being three people there.
Well, two people and a bird.
You going to lie to Larry, then? Oh, I don't know what I'm going to say to Larry, man.
Just say it's got a bit too serious or something.
See, this is the thing, Mare.
I think if you have a boyfriend, it's always going to be serious.
Soon as you let your guard down, they want a bunk up or they want to get engaged or start having babies or something.
Oh, I'd love to have babies.
Would you? Why? What do you mean why? Everybody wants to have babies.
Don't you want to have babies? Nah, mate, what I really want is me own fridge.
- Oh, flipping hell! - He's like a flipping bad penny.
What are we going to do? - We could call Larry tomorrow.
- No, I wanna get it over and done with.
Come on, then, we'll just ignore that one.
Well, hello there! - All right? - All right? - How are you? - All right.
- How's your daddy? - He's all right.
I haven't seen him for a while.
Well, he's off the booze, ain't he? He ain't been going out.
Oh, that's a shame.
What a shame.
- What's his name again? - Pat.
Galway Pat with the broken nose? Aye, Galway Pat with the broken nose.
He's a great guy.
- How is he? - He's all right.
Is he? Is he okay? You'd tell me if he wasn't okay, wouldn't you? - You'd tell me if he was sad? - Yeah, yeah.
So, uh, what you doing? - Nothing.
- Going to make a phone call.
Oh, are you, now? - That'll be 2p, please.
- What? Eh, I'm guarding it.
The big man wants it kept free so if you want to use it, you'll have to pay.
Leave it out! It costs 2p to make the call.
Not my problem, sweetheart.
You can't guard it, the council own it.
It belongs to the people.
I am the people.
The big man is the people.
- We're the people.
- Yeah, we're the people, guy.
Uh, no, you're the little people.
You don't count.
But this call's really important.
- It's really, really important.
- I've only got 2p.
I only want 2p.
But we need to make the phone call with that 2p.
I'm joshing.
Don't get your wee knickers in a twist.
I'm only having a laugh.
You're so serious.
Don't be so serious, man.
Why can't you just laugh and dance and have fun? - Oh, flipping heck.
- Come on.
Here.
Tell your daddy I was asking after him, eh? - Tell him I send my regards.
- Yeah, all right.
And, uh, tell him my foot's fine.
They didn't take it off.
Who you calling? Oi, what do you think you're doing, guy? - Who you calling? - Leave us alone! Get out! Get out! - Who you calling? - Get out! Get out! When I'm calling you Get him out and stand on guard.
Hello, is that Larry? All right, Larry? How are you? It's Kath.
Mary's mate.
Yeah, fat Kath, yeah.
I'm all right.
How are you? No, she ain't here.
She asked me to ring you.
Said she's really, really sorry and she still really, really likes you and that but she don't want to go out with you no more.
- Who you calling? - Shh! She don't want to go out with you no more.
She ain't here.
She ain't! I swear! She's gone home 'cause she's really, really crying about it and that.
I think she thinks it's all got too serious.
You've gone a bit Henry VIII.
No need to be like that, man.
I'm only the messenger.
All right.
Yeah.
I will.
I will.
And you know she still wants to be your mate and that.
I suppose.
Oh, you know your mate from the pictures? Will he be able to get me into Quadrophenia when it comes out? All right.
Um Sorry.
Yeah? See you.
Oi! Stop it! Let her out! - Let me out! - Let her out, guy! - Let me out! - Let her out! - Let me out, guy! - Let her out, guy! Nah, she likes it in there.
Red suits her.
You like it in there, don't you, sweetheart? Flipping heck, guy, I could've got claustrophobia! She could've suffocated! - I could've had an asthma attack! - She might have died, guy! This is great.
Come on, let's have a game of knock and run.
- What? - Don't be daft.
Don't be stupid.
Well, uh, let's go to the pub, then.
- Leave it out! - The pub? What are you talking about, the pub? - Daffy flipping Duck.
- The pub? I'm just wanting a wee laugh.
Just a wee bit of fun.
Oh, sorry, mate.
You need to start hanging about with people your own age.
I hate being older! That'll be for me.
It'll be my mummy.
It's my birthday today.
- Happy birthday, mate.
- Thanks.
You're so kind.
Uh, have you got me a prezzie? - No.
- Why not? Because I didn't know it was your birthday till just now.
Ah, I've had no prezzies today.
Well, sorry about that, eh? I'd love a chopper bike.
Can you not buy me a chopper bike? Leave it out.
You're so damned serious! Why can't you join in on the fun? What? She's gone.
I've missed my birthday phone call! You made me miss my birthday phone call.
No we never.
You were talking to us! You were talking to us, guy.
You made me miss my birthday phone call from my mummy.
I hate you! I'm going to smash your stupid faces in! Run! You look like Abbott and Costello running away from the mob! Twits! Flipping heck, I can't breathe, guy.
What did he say? "I'm going to smash your stupid faces in!" Not him, Larry! Oh, sorry, guy.
Oh, man, he was really upset.
What did you say, then what did he say? Tell me exactly.
I said, "All right, Larry? How are you?" And he said, "Who's that?" And I said, "Kath.
" And he said, "What Kath?" And I said, "Mary's mate.
" And he said, "Oh, fat Kath.
" And I said, "Yeah," even though I was a bit unhappy about that.
And he said, "Hello, fat Kath, how are you?" I said, "I'm all right.
How are you?" He said, "I'm not very well today.
"I think I've got the flu but me mum's left some tommy soup in a flask.
" Then he said, "What do you want?" Like that.
"What do you want?" And I said, "Look, Mary's really, really sorry and she still really, really likes you, "but she don't want to go out with you no more.
" And he said, "What?" And I said, "She don't want to go out with you no more.
" And he said, "Why not?" like that.
And I said, "I think she thinks it's got too serious.
" And then he said Well, he shouted, really.
And then he said, "Let me talk to her!" I said, "She ain't here" and he said, "Don't lie to me, you fat cow.
" It's all right, Mare.
Don't worry about it.
I've been called worse.
Then I said, "She ain't here.
I swear!" And then I said, "She's gone home 'cause she was really, really crying about it.
" - Oh, that's really good.
- Yeah.
And I said, "She still wants to be your mate, though.
" And he said, "Don't be stupid.
I've got me own mates.
" And then he said, "Tell her I don't care.
"And tell her I was going to pack her in anyway "'cause she's a stupid virgin and she ain't got no tits.
" What? And then he told me to eff off and slammed the phone down.
- I've got tits.
- Yeah, you've got lovely little tits.
- He wasn't going to pack me in.
- I know, guy.
- What a liar! - Yeah, guy.
A big fat, stupid liar! - He wanted to get engaged the other day.
- I know.
It's like he lost his memory or something from the scaffold.
- Was he crying? - Mmm No.
- Oh, well, that's that, then.
- Yeah.
That's that.
Better off out of it.
Phew! And he said he liked that I was a virgin.
You've to save the argy-bargy for someone really special.
We both have.
We should have a rule that we don't give nothing to 'em till we've been going out for at least a year or something.
A year? That's a bit much.
- Is it? - Yeah, guy.
Oh, all right, then.
Six months.
Mmm Two to four.
Blimey, it's a minefield, innit? Yeah.
I'm really glad you ain't going out with him no more, Mare.
Are you? Yeah, I didn't think he was good enough, man.
You've got to start listening to some good music and start going to gigs and that.
And then you'll meet boys who have got a hobby.
Or you could start coming to the drama club with me.
No, I don't think acting's my thing, really.
- Do you know Frankie Harvey? - No.
Yeah, you do.
He works in the key cutting stall at the market.
- Good-looking one with the streaks? - Yeah.
- Oh, yeah? What about him? - He asked me out.
- What? When? - When I was up there on Sunday.
I noticed he kept looking at me, but he's never said anything to me, apart from that time when he shouted "Nice bum!" when I had me cords on.
Then last week, I was up there with Camilla Akingbola 'Cause remember you had to go to your Auntie Nell's to go to church? Yeah.
So we were up there just hanging about having an ice cream from De Marco's.
Well, I was having an ice cream, but Camilla only wanted the cone, which was really embarrassing.
I was having an ice cream when he came over I don't know about you, but I reckon I've got a whole flipping lifetime of this!