Wanderlust (2018) s01e04 Episode Script

1 This programme contains some scenes which some viewers may find upsetting, some scenes of a sexual nature and strong language.
What about? - Yeah.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- OK.
Excuse me, is this chair free? - Yeah.
- Thank you.
HE CLEARS THROA HE CLEARS THROAT MORE FORCEFULLY Here.
Oh.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Marc, this is Claire.
Claire, Marc.
- Nice to meet you.
- Hi.
With a C Like Marc Jacobs? Yep, yep, I'm almost exactly the same as Marc Jacobs.
- Ah.
- Marc, Alan.
Hello, Marc, I'm Alan.
- Alan, Marc.
Marc, Alan.
- Hi, how you doing? - Hello, Claire.
- Yeah.
Joy! Mwa! Mwa! - How you doing, how's it all? - Yeah, very well thank you.
You? Er, busy.
Er, I mean Yeah.
- Alan mentioned, mentioned, Roland - Oh, yeah, right.
He's sick.
Oh, sorry.
Got the shits again, so It's Claire's Claire's cat.
Roland as in Grange Hill? I don't know if you ever? You mean Roland AKA Gutsy AKA real name Erkan Mustafa? Legend.
Big fan.
Come on.
Thanking you.
Wow.
It's a cool place.
- Yeah, I know.
- First time? First time for everything, mate.
POUNDING DANCE MUSIC PLAYS I was sorry to hear about your engagement.
Oh, yeah.
That's OK.
He used to put his finger in my mouth.
Adam.
When I yawned.
I don't quite understand, why would someone want to do that to your mouth? Because he was an idiot of the highest order.
THEY LAUGH He wanted kids, but I've never really seen the point in kids.
I was so afraid the first time I was pregnant.
I was so sick and tired.
And I didn't really know what I was supposed to be doing.
I think it took me a while to get my head around the idea that all of a sudden I was going to have to love someone I've never met.
But then, I don't know She had this stuff between her fingers.
I was picking it out.
- They were beautiful.
- Aw.
So, Joy tells me that you two are pretty serious.
Yeah.
Well, we've been married quite a long time now.
Oh.
Yeah, you mean? The other you two.
Yeah.
Yeah, I suppose I suppose we have ended up a little more serious than anticipated.
Hey, look, I think it's cool.
Which bit? The whole deal.
So, you're not finding this incredibly strange? Every problem contains the seeds of its own solution.
You know who said that? Erm SLURPING Marc seems cool.
Ah, I think so.
Yeah, he works at the zoo.
I don't know if Alan mentioned or? I mean, not as a zookeeper, - as a first aider.
- Oh.
The kiss of life? When I was a kid, we lived on a main road.
- My mother was a fanatic lover of cats.
- Oh.
Problem was, every time a cat got run over, the only thing that would cheer her up was another cat.
THEY CHUCKLE I buried I don't even know how many felines at the bottom of that garden.
I ran over a deer once.
Oh, my God! Where? Well, mostly in the body, but also a bit in the head as well.
No, er, where were you? Oh! On the Lower Luton Road.
Ah.
What did you do? I put it in the boot of my car, drove it to the vet's.
It fitted in the boot of your car? It was a mini one.
Holy shit! You ran over Bambi.
SHE SPLUTTERS AND LAUGHS - Oh, I can't, I can't.
- Oh, you can, you can! You didn't tell me Marc has a daughter.
- Er, that's because he doesn't.
- What? Alan, he's winding you up.
- No, it's true.
- What? Later.
To this blue world and all her countless sisters.
OK.
Number one, no question.
Penguins.
Penguins are sexy as hell.
Yeah, and then I'd say any of the monkeys.
And those African bullfrogs can be pretty kinky when they want to be.
I do not believe you've seen penguins having sex! Oh, I can go one better than that, this one time I saw a whole bunch of penguins having a threesome.
Oh, my God, guys! Look, look, look, look, look, look, look.
Oh, n Who Come on! .
.
do you think you are? Do you think you are? Who Some kind of superstar All right, all right everything's going to be all right All right, all right it's really all right Everything's gonna be all right Here comes the rain again Falling on my head like a memory Falling on my head like a new emotion I want to walk in the open wind I want to talk like lovers do I want to dive into your ocean Is it raining with you? So, baby, talk to me Like lovers do Walk with me Like lovers do Talk to me Like lovers do TOILETS FLUSH WATER FLOWS SHE LAUGHS You SHE EXHALES DOOR OPENS LAUGHTER STIFLED LAUGHTER KEYS CLATTER WHISPERED: Sorry! Shh, shh, shh! OK - Yes! - HE LAUGHS BOTH LAUGH QUIETLY SHE HUMS A TUNE SOFTLY TRAIN HORN SOUNDS PHONE RINGS Hello? Hi.
It's-it's Jason? Yeah.
No.
Hi.
This is Laura.
So, listen, er Where are you? Er Platform one.
OK, look, Laura, I spent the weekend thinking about asking you out again.
But then I didn't.
For some pretty obvious reasons.
Yeah, the fact that my mum used to be a Yeah, that being the main Pretty much reason number one.
Yeah, there is that.
But I don't know, this morning I just figured, what's the worst that could happen? Jason, I'm really sorry, but I'm not sure I wish it was something I could just No, listen, look, this was either going to go one of two ways.
But the thought of No, listen, I really appreciate your, er candour.
I'm really sorry.
There's nothing to be sorry about.
I'll speak to you later.
OK? PHONE VIBRATES Hi, I don't know why I said what I just said.
I want to see you again and I think it's, you know, it's her problem not ours, and I don't really care.
So, if you want to try asking me out again, I think I'm probably ready now with a better answer.
ALARM CLOCK RINGS Shit.
HE GROANS HE WINCES - So, how did it go? - How did what go? The party.
With Jennifer.
Obviously.
I don't know.
It was like I don't understand? What don't you understand? Well, you were just in the middle of saying something and then you just sort of stopped.
It was sort of like I don't know, it was fine.
We like, we talked for a bit, and then, I don't know.
OK, well, well done for making this a shit-tonne weirder than it needed to be.
Well, I honestly, like, you know, I'm honestly not trying to be, like, evasive, or whatever.
Well, then it's easy, stop being evasive and just tell me.
Well, it's not like that much actually even happened so You do realise that Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I don't understand.
How is this, like, how is me not telling you stuff, like You just You asked me to do a thing that most people, most people I'm pretty certain would Well, she told me some stuff that I'm pretty certain is predominantly private, so Well, I'm not asking you about her.
I'm asking you about you.
Then, fine! Then, like, what the fuck? Why're you like shouting at me all of a sudden? Because you're being genuinely remedial.
And it's annoying as fuck.
Fine.
We kissed.
And it was weird because she used her tongue.
And it was like, tongue, tongue, tongue, tongue, tongue.
And I was like, well, this is fucking weird, because Cos I'm kissing her but actually, I'm I liked it better when we were.
- So, why didn't you come and find me? - I did.
- I literally tried looking for you.
- When? - Like, afterwards.
- After what? After the whole weird tonguing-virgin encounter thing.
Well, obviously I'd left by then.
Well, I'm Look, I'm sorry.
I should've come and tr WOLF WHISTLES - Holy shit! - Shit just got real.
How are you, Alan? Good.
Yeah.
Really good.
Remind me, did the Lewis Druxman situation Everything was OK in the end? I, er, I e-mailed his parents and they could completely see where we were coming from.
Good.
And how are things at home, Alan? Everything's OK? How're the kids? Great.
That's great to hear.
It's great to hear everyone's doing Oh.
Alan, Alan, Alan, Alan, Alan.
OK, look.
I don't know quite how to So I, I think I'm just going to Deep breath here, and OK.
She trained originally as a psychologist.
Specialising in traumatic brain injuries.
Do you think I've got a traumatic brain injury? Followed by a stint at the University of Hertfordshire.
So, she's up to speed and looking forward to hearing from you.
Cool.
She, er, she came round for dinner.
OK.
Talked about you for a bit.
The fact that we're I see.
She was kind of pissed off.
Then we Then we had sex.
- Jason, you know what - And then actually we had sex again.
We, we really And actually we're meeting up again, so Jason I think it's probably best if we No, I'm saying, I'm just saying, for your information.
So, listen, er I mean thanks.
You're very welcome.
Hey.
Can you think of any decent antonyms for falling? What's up? Janet knows.
I mean, I told her.
Someone saw us.
Who? She wouldn't say.
But they, whoever it was, they went to her and they said So, Janet thinks we're having an affair? No.
Great.
Well, she She did.
But then I explained.
- You explained? - The arrangement in general.
Oh! Shit the fucking bed, Alan.
No, you did not! Yeah.
I said, I said, yeah.
It's, it's not It's not an affair.
This, this is the deal.
We feel very strongly toward one another.
My wife is, is on Joy is on board, too.
Seeing someone as well.
Albeit they're not quite as into, let's say, as you and I, but everything thus far is based on a mutual trust and understanding.
What did Janet say? BELL RINGS Alan, you dark fucking horse.
I hope I haven't put us in an awkward position.
You know what I mean.
OK, bye! Delivery for number 18.
I'm in a, in a bit of a hurry, - let me see if Naomi! - Mmm? I will leave you in the very capable hands of my Sign here.
Thanks.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
DOOR BELL BUZZES Listen Babe, it's up to you.
I don't mind.
Why are you being like this? It's fine, it's fine with me.
You ever see that film My Girl? It's about this girl, this little girl, she's best mates with the little kid - from Home Alone? - Yes.
And he gets stung by what is essentially an entire hive-load of bees.
And he's He's allergic.
So he dies.
And on the day of funeral, she ends up running in, right, and it's an open casket, which, when you really think about it, seems positively perverse, but anyway, she runs in, she runs up to Home Alone's casket And she's fucking distraught, right, cos he hasn't got his glasses on.
And she starts screaming, like, "Where the fuck are his glasses?" I mean she doesn't say "fuck", obviously, cos it's a kid's film, but the point is, she knew how bad his prescription was.
Yesterday when I went into see, erm He didn't have his glasses on.
And they gave me this little doggy bag, you know with all his This area is a Pay-and-Display.
Yeah, we're just, we're actually, erm, we're just leaving.
OK, but next time, the thing to do is Yeah, we're very sorry, but as I say ENGINE STARTS MUSIC: [CAROL BY CHUCK BERRY.]
Aw! MUSIC ON SOUNDTRACK DROWNS SPEECH Do you remember that place we went to in France that time? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, of course I do.
Amazing sausages.
Oui.
Jamon.
SHE LAUGHS I can't believe you made me! - Lawrence - Sorry, I shouldn't have done that.
No, look, it's there's a lot It's OK, we don't need to.
I just think I'm a bit Yeah.
Yeah, and that's all right.
But I need to be really clear.
Because, I mean, you know as well as I do.
But things are, er different now.
And, erm I think it's, I think it's important that we acknowledge No, you know what? Would you mind, could you walk? Would you mind? Is that all right with you? Home? Yeah, walking home, yes, yes, that's what I saying.
Joy, I No, you know what? Actually, yeah, I, I would really love it if you could just, erm, please get out of the car now, please.
- I don't even have proper shoes on.
- Well, whose fault is that? Listen, I'll walk home if you really want me to.
Yeah, I think Yeah, I think - Really? - Yeah.
Yeah.
Wait, I don't understand.
What do you mean you're still going to go? Well, the tickets already came through, so Well, why not just give them to her instead of actually having to go with her? Or you two could go.
But I said.
I already said, like, if the tickets come through, would you want to go? And she was like, "Yeah, no, I fucking love Zadie Smith.
" Well, it's not like it's a date.
That's true, it's going to be fucking dry.
I'd be cool if you wanted to, like, wanted to go with some other someone to, like, an exhibition or something.
Wow.
What a hero.
OK Look at me.
I want you to imagine yourself in, like, a week, or a month, and you're looking back.
You're thinking back on what just happened.
And you're not together.
It lasted, like, literally less than a day cos of the weird inane shit you just spouted.
And I want you to think how that's going to feel.
And if you think that future you is going to be cool with how this conversation just went down, then it's like I literally don't even know who you are any more.
HE MAKES EXPLOSION SOUND DOORBELL PLAYS "WESTMINSTER QUARTERS" - Hi.
- Oh, my goodness.
Oh, that's very kind of you.
Here, let me take that.
- This is actually one of, like, four.
- It's not! Er Let me come and No, I, erm How shall we do this? Why don't we do this one first, and then we can sort out the rest? Yes.
Come in.
Thank you.
I don't know where I'm going Don't know where I SHE GASPS BOTH AT ONCE: Joy, I had to tell Janet.
Alan, Lawrence tried to kiss me.
What? Why? When? Today.
This afternoon.
His dad died, so we went bowling.
- You went bowling? - Ten pin.
You went ten pin bowling with Yeah, well, the idea was to try and take his mind off And he, he what? - In between balls, he tried to? - Afterwards.
It was afterwards.
Mmm-hmm.
And what did you, what did you do? - I asked him to get out the car.
- This was in the car? - Well, I've already sent him an e-mail.
- Oh.
Oh, all right.
Well, I mean, if you've sent him an e-mail, I guess we can safely say Yeah, to explain in no uncertain terms Am I allowed to see it? This e-mail to end all e-mails? Wow.
OK, well, that I see what you mean, it's actually quite strongly worded.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to I'm sorry.
What a weasel.
Want to try it lying down? Sure you don't want to try lying? Oh, that's good.
Yes.
OK, OK, look - Fine, forget it.
- Don't get pissed off.
- I'm not.
I'm not.
- It's late.
Joy, you're not allowed to I'm not.
I'm not anything.
I'm I'm really not.
- So - Mmm.
What made you want to purchase a trampoline? Shopping channel.
- That's cool.
- Mmm-hmm.
I've always found them to be very reasonable.
Do you buy lots? Maybe.
Best thing you bought, worst thing you bought? Oh.
Well.
Erm One of the best things I've bought, at least recently, I'd probably have to say, erm Round neck, short-sleeved kaftan.
Worst buy.
Erm Oh, there was a mulberry and fig candle that seemed to smell of neither mulberries nor figs.
I am increasingly certain almost all candles are bullshit.
Well, they're handy in a powercut.
- Use your phone.
- I don't have a phone.
What? - Well, smartphone, sorry.
- I don't have a smartphone.
- No! What?! - Sorry! Wow.
Your attention span must be, like Normal? Well, another thing, of course, is Sorry.
No.
To be fair, it does have a torch on the back.
Why would you put a camera on a turtle? Why wouldn't you? PHONE VIBRATES ANSWER SERVICE: The person you have called is not available.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
You're saying you're taking us off the raffle? Yes.
- Because of these complaints.
- They're not complaints.
Well, whatever it is we're calling them, the point is that we're no longer How many are there? I mean how many're we talking? Ten.
11.
12.
- Well, Janet, is it ten or is it 12? - Which is it? - 15.
- 15? - 15? - Who are these people? - What're they pissed off about? - Well - More to the point, how do they know? They, these friends of ours, they said, they explained, that they'd written to the at their daughter's school, to express their concern.
Anyway, then they said that the irony is, of course, that his wife's a professional therapist, that they ought to know better.
Janet, come on, come on, this is All right, all right, all right.
I had to tell Mike.
- Fucking Mike! - Mike! Because originally - So, he was the one who saw us? - So, what did you tell him? - The truth.
Janet, why on earth? - Mike is such a fucking ballsack.
I am in a position of responsibility.
If a colleague, if an employee, if they come to me, and they say, - they say, Janet - Yeah, but you Janet, no-one has done anything wrong.
It is not affecting the work.
We're fine with it.
Both of you know, as well as I do, this is a small town.
- Small-fucking-minded.
- Technically, it's a city.
All I am asking, if not a little bit begging, is, please forget about the fundraiser.
Put it out of your minds.
Go and do whatever it is the two of you And then next week, fresh start, we'll sit down, we three, we'll try to work out the best way to All right? The real sticking point for Elaine I suppose that she feels there's a certain degree of hypocrisy.
Entrusting our marriage to someone, whose own marriage, is so clearly in a state of disarray.
And it's funny, because they know there's a certain amount of infidelity involved.
You know, every time I come here to see you, I see the same man leaving.
But for that 50 minutes, that one hour, once or twice a week, or whatever it is, we do our best to offer complete and utter exclusivity.
And when it works But when it doesn't When it doesn't? - It's the responsibility.
- Because it's all on you? Well, I'm there to be whatever it is that person needs me to be.
And so if something is not quite - Clicking? - Yes, then it just feels so Can you give me a particular example? He'd been unfaithful.
Repeatedly.
They'd been trying for children, for a number of years, and And? I had a I had a hard time liking him.
I don't think he liked me.
He had this way, it was quite stand-offish.
- Brutish.
- What, to you, or in general? Bit of both, I think.
And I really struggled, you know, why isn't this working? Why won't he? And occasionally I even found myself dreading the prospect of And then one day, out of the blue, he, erm This was after eight, nine months, working together.
They said it was the last call he made.
Joy, I'm I'm struck by something you said a moment ago.
You said, erm, "It's my job to be whoever it is they need me to be.
" In which case, I wonder if it's possible to to talk about a time where you've experienced feeling yourself.
Not playing a role, or a version of a role, but you.
Yourself.
Joy.
MUSIC PLAYS - Hey.
- Hi! - Sorry I'm late.
- Time's pretty relative.
Are you OK? You seem sort of Yeah, no, I don't think I can do this.
I'm sorry.
OK.
But you should, definitely.
You should definitely But I definitely shouldn't.
Oh, fuck.
It's OK.
I can just call my sister.
I think I might be in love with my best friend.
Yeah, no shit.
Tom, this isn't a date.
Make sure you ask her about that bit in Autograph Man.
OK.
I'm going to have to Sorry, I'm so sorry.
Got you a pornstar martini.
Happy Hour, so it's two for one.
Bargain.
Cheers.
And we're We're sure about this, are we? I'd say so.
All we're here to do is raise some money for a questionable cause, same as everyone else.
MUSIC: [NEED YOU TONIGHT BY INXS.]
All you've got is this moment The 21st century was yesterday You can care all you want Everybody does, yeah That's OK So slide over here And give me a moment Your moves are so raw I've got to let you know I've got to let you know You're one of my kind I need you tonight Cos I'm not sleeping There's something about you, girl That makes me sweat How do you feel? I'm lonely What do you think? Can't think at all What you gonna do? Gonna live my life So slide over here And give me a moment Your moves are so raw I've got to let you know I've got to let you know You're one of my kind I need you tonight Cos I'm not sleeping There's something about you, girl That makes me sweat So how do you feel? I'm lonely.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So, hello.
Good evening, and a very warm welcome to you all.
For those of you who don't know me, my name is Janet Malherbe and I'm the, er I'm the Deputy Head here at Paul Anderson.
And also the I chair the committee responsible for tonight's wonderful event.
APPLAUSE Laura, I was married.
And I really fucking loved her.
And I feel like I want to be able to say that to you.
But then there's this other thing as well.
And I'm worried that if I If I say it, you're going to She killed herself.
And I don't know.
I miss her sometimes.
So much I don't know what to do about it.
I keep feeling like I'm fucking everything up.
- I'm sorry.
- No.
I'm sorry.
I steal ice creams all the time and no-one knows about it.
Well, maybe not all the time, but - Mars ice creams? - OK.
I like the challenge of having to slide open the freezer thing.
- You know the freezer thing? - Yeah, yeah.
And I don't even eat them.
What do you do with them? Sometimes I give them to homeless people.
Sometimes I put them back, but in a different freezer in a different newsagents.
You can tell me anything.
It's OK.
Hi, is Michelle in, please? I'm really sorry for consistently behaving like a penis.
You're, like, actually, factually just a, like, much better person than me.
Why are you such a consistent penis? It must be genetic or something.
- Please don't hate me.
- I'm not going to hate you.
Would your dad find it, like, majorly weird if I kissed you on the doorstep? Well, do you want me to go and ask him for y Next up is An ESPA hot stone massage, care of Woodcock Manor.
So, number 69.
WHISTLES AND LAUGHTER I'll say that again, number 69.
69.
Anyone? Don't be shy.
I'll come up with you.
You deserve that massage.
I hope this isn't But I, erm I I know that some of you are a little uneasy about And apologies for the interruption.
But I just, I, I feel it would be remiss of me if not to if I didn't say to you Because if, if anyone has any questions about what it is that, that we're doing or, you know, please do come and Because we're really not, we're really not trying to upset anyone, or make anyone uncomfortable.
Far from it.
So Alan, I Look.
All I Joy, you know what? Do you know what? I, I don't really want to get into a - All I was trying to do - Joy, I'm serious.
- It's important, I honestly think I - said I don't want to talk about it! I mean, it's what I do for a living.
- You know? - Listen.
No-one is I mean you do realise, you do realise, you might've actually cost me my job.
On what grounds? Joy, come on.
You embarrassed me tonight.
Tonight was embarrassing.
And would you consider it more or less of an embarrassment if we were just cheating on each other? If we decided to break up, get a divorce, and cut the kids in half, and spend the weekends ferrying them back and forth? - All right.
- Would a second, maybe a third wedding? How about a whole string of unsuccessful marriages? Would you consider that to be more or less of an embarrassment? I mean, these people need to grow the fuck up.
HE LAUGHS So, they're the ones - who need to grow up, are they? - Yes.
Oh, I see, I get it now.
So, they're, THEY'RE the ones We have every right to live how we want.
Joy, listen to yourself! What you did tonight, it was It was, wildly, wildly, inappropriate.
I disagree.
Should never have let you talk me into this.
- Into what? - Any of it, all of it.
- Well, what's that supposed to mean? - It means It means I'm losing track of where we're even at any more.
We seem to be doing fine, and then all of a sudden you, you, you're out bowling with your ex, and then you're up in front of a room full of Oh, Alan, I think honestly you're in danger of making a mountain into a Then why this persistent moving of the goal posts? Well, I'm not the one who fell in love, so I, I beg your fucking pardon? - Mmm.
- Oh! Oh, I see.
Oh, I see.
- So, this is all my fault now, is it? - No, it's nobody's Joy, I came to you, and I, and I told you - Yeah, you did.
- And we agreed a way forward.
- Which, to my mind - Will you stop shouting at me? How can you not see, how is it not apparent to you, that all I am doing all I've been trying to do is give you what you want? Is that right? I'm saying that it It took It took an enormous leap of faith on my part, Joy, to to make it this far.
To make To make it work.
To make a go of things.
Then fine, then.
If it's making you that uncomfortable, let's stop.
- No, that isn't, that isn't what - I'm saying and you know it.
If it's such a hardship, life under the guilt-free sex cosh, then No, you're not listening to me, you're not listening to what I'm saying.
No.
but it's a good point.
You're right.
It's a good point.
What would you do? If you If we had to stop.
You're right.
If you had to make a choice who would you choose? Cos I haven't met anyone who makes me feel the way you feel about Claire.
And I don't feel the way I feel about you about anyone.
But then again, nor have I ever, I don't think, quite felt the way I feel about Claire about you.
SHE LAUGHS MUSIC: [COP AND GO BY THE DEAD WEATHER.]
Beautiful eyes Long gone Beautiful eyes Return Beautiful lies Set in stone Come alive Disarm Take my life Alter form You look at me on the level Uh-huh.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I think I think I probably got the, erm - No worries.
- Babe? Who is it? It's no-one.
SONG: [THE SHIP SONG BY NICK CAVE AND THE BAD SEEDS.]
Come sail your ships around me And burn your bridges down We make a little history, baby Every time you come around Come loose your dogs upon me And let your hair hang down You are a little mystery to me Every time you call around.