Was It Something I Said? (2013) s01e04 Episode Script

1
APPLAUSE
Hello and welcome to
Was It Something I Said?,
the panel show that celebrates
quotations in all their forms,
both the spoken
and the written word.
For instance, Tony Blair once said:
..adding, "That was 11 words,
that'll cost you £1,100."
On Micky Flanagan's team is Canadian
comedian, Katherine Ryan,
and with Richard Ayoade is British
comedian, Bob Mortimer.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And here to read our quotations
is someone who once
said of the Dalai Lama:
It says a lot about the man that
within minutes of meeting him,
the Dalai Lama,
the embodiment of peace,
compassion and enlightenment,
fancied a fight.
Please welcome actor and explorer,
Brian Blessed.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome, Brian. Did you really
have a fight with the Dalai Lama?
Yes, he's my age, exactly my age,
and he had Joe Louis' boxing gloves,
two pairs, and so I used to be
Yorkshire schoolboy boxing champion,
so I boxed him.
He was absolutely dreadful.
- "Look out, look out!"
- HIGH-PITCHED LAUGHING
- "Watch out, keep your hand up"
- FURTHER HIGH-PITCHED LAUGHING
- Did you beat the crap out of him?
- Oh, no, no, no, I let him win.
It was so sweet,
a little bash on the chin
and down I went for the full count.
- Well, that's very respectful
to a living god. - Yes, yes, yes.
Right, let's get going with
our opening round called Threesomes.
Nothing to do with what Russell
Brand would call a quiet night in.
In fact, it's matching
a series of quotes
to one of three celebrities, which,
possibly, Russell would enjoy
just as much as those
meaningless couplings
if only he'd give it a chance.
And if you want to play along at
home, then follow @somethingIsaid
on Twitter to unlock extra clips.
So the theme of this week's
Threesome is painting.
Can we have our first quotation,
please, Brian?
"If I were a painter,
I would paint beautiful bodies,
"I would paint nipples,
and I would paint Bibles."
Now, in a moment I'll give you
three famous faces to choose from.
First of all, any initial
thoughts about that?
Can I just ask, why are any of us
other than Brian ever speaking?
- It's a very good question.
- It is, yes.
Brian, do you have an answer?
I don't have an answer, no.
I refuse to speak. I ref No, no.
No, I'm not going to be this nasal
and ineffectual.
- There's someone out there who likes
your weird little voice. - Well
LAUGHTER
- Even mine. - ..thank you.
- Listen to this.
And please stop flirting with me.
I'm going to tell you
who the three are.
I'm going to narrow the options
down.
Who said it? Was it music producer
and hip-hop star, will.i.am,
actress and Hollywood starlet,
Mae West,
or former president, George W Bush?
- Will.i.am's mind would
certainly ping around. - Yeah.
"I'll paint beautiful bodies,
nipplesa Bible?"
During the '80s, when I was
an international lover and player
for about three or four years,
I was known as Will.i.phone.
Bob, do you have any thoughts
about this quotation?
The longest ever nipples on a human
were just over seven
no, nine inches long. It was in
Austral Is this pertinent?
Yes, I think very much so!
Do you know, he wore a tiny
little leather bra
- and he just wrapped - Coiled?
- ..like a Catherine wheel, yeah.
- Like a garden hose? - Or a
garden hose, Catherine wheel
Yeah, or a cinnamon whirl?
I can't imagine George Bush wanting
to be anything other than himself.
"If I were" is a phrase
he wouldn't bother with.
No, because I don't think he sort of
ever does anything or did anything.
He killed 100,000 people in Iraq.
- More than you've ever done!
- Well, you don't know me, David.
How many people have you killed,
Richard? I bet it's under ten
- or something pathetic.
- Don't be so sure.
Is will.i-a-m, is that him
in the morning? Is he will-I-P-M?
He don't care, he's got guttering
in his hair. That's what they sing.
Have you considered
the lady in the middle?
We've not talked about Mae West. She
looks like an artiste with nipples?
She definitely had nipples.
She was the first lady to say
that women could really enjoy sex
when they wanted it,
how they wanted it.
She used to say,
"Come up and see me sometime."
Who do you think out of these
three people said that
if they were a painter,
they'd paint nipples and Bibles?
I can say with absolute certainty
it's will.i.am.
So that's your answer?
- Happy with that, Micky? - I'm the
captain but as farat the moment
I'm going with Katherine,
she seems very convinced on this.
- Richard and Bob?
- I would say it's will.i.am.
- I would also say it's Mr Am.
- Well, the answer is
- will.i.am. Well done, everyone.
- Oh, very good.
APPLAUSE
- Very good. - It was in response
to being asked
whether the Black Eyed Peas
were still a purist hip-hop act
if that means anything to you.
OK, can we have our next quotation
on the subject of painting, please?
As a clue, I can tell you that
all three of this threesome
have owned bathtubs.
So, I don't know if that
- George would never get in a bathtub.
- Why not? - Too risky.
A war breaks out and you're
in the bath, takes ages to get out
and dry yourself down. He's a shower
man, you can see that, can't you?
But then in the shower,
it's harder to hear if someone's
shouting from downstairs,
"A war's just broken out!"
"You're needed to help
deal with it."
Whereas in the bath, you CAN hear
and people can ask you questions
through the door, or whatever.
You can get more admin done,
I think,
- from the bath than from the shower.
- Yes, cos your PA
could lie under the bath.
That would be perfect.
They could be under the water, Bob,
come up. "There's a war on."
Who do you think it is?
Who's precocious and self-painting
in the bathtub?
- I'd say it's Mae West, she's
precocious. - You think Mae West?
Precocious and a bit saucy?
The implication of nudity that
so often comes with having a bath.
Not for me, of course,
I wear trunks. What do you think?
- I think it's will.i.am. - You're not
a fan of will.i.am, I sense.
I feel I've spent less time thinking
about will.i.am
than perhaps I ought to have.
I already feel I've said "will.i.am"
more times
- than I wish I ever had to. - Yeah.
I feel somehow that I'm being
forced into a verbal pattern
that I don't wish
to adopt by his very name.
I don't want to have to go up
in the middle in a name.
- It's forcing me that way.
- We should be able to handle it.
We can handle
Arthur C Clarke, can't we?
But that's in between different
sections of his name.
Oh, I see what you're talking about.
It'sit's William.
- It's in the middle of William.
- Oh, right, it's William!
LAUGHTER, THEN APPLAUSE
I get it, yeah.
I was going to change my name to
Mic K-Y.
No, you're both wrong.
The answer is George Bush,
his paintings first came
to light in February
when his family e-mail account was
hacked and several self-portraits
Presumably because his password was
"password".
..and several self-portraits showing
the ex-president in the bath
were put online.
Here's Bush's painting
of himself in the bath.
And here's Bush's
painting of himself in the shower
and just out of shot is someone
being waterboarded.
- He's not using that shower to its
full potential, is he? - No, he's not.
Is that how he goes in every day?
He goes, "I go in every day,
"I soap up and I then can't get it
off me."
His PA could adjust the head.
Do you think that's the reflection
of his PA in the mirror?
Brian, speaking of art, you,
I believe, have met Picasso.
- Is that right? - Oh, yes, yes, yes, I
have. There's no end to my talents.
I was 12 years of age,
it was 1948.
There was a World Peace Congress,
no more wars,
and the Russians got together,
and the Americans and generals,
they all came to Sheffield.
It was an amazing occasion
and Picasso was there and I got in
front of all my classmates
and said, "If you're Picasso,
draw me something."
And he drew a dove of peace
in about 20 seconds, less.
And I looked at it and I said,
"Oh, that's not a dove.
I'll draw you a dove."
And I drew him a dove and I gave it
to him and he looked at it
- and I turned his down.
- So you turned
And you can see it in Sheffield,
at the Art Gallery in Sheffield
and it's valued at £57 million.
And my father wouldn't talk to me
for about a month!
I'm never sure how long you're
supposed to look at paintings for.
They should have a little symbol
at the side of each painting,
how long you have to look at it
for, what emotion you should feel.
For people like me.
Like seven seconds, compassion.
And you're gone.
The next round is called Key Words.
I'm going to give our panellists two
key words from a famous quotation
which they should know, and they
have to work out the whole thing.
I'll give the point to whoever's
closest
to getting it completely right.
Just to make it a bit more exciting,
if our panellists can't get it,
I'm going to have them shot.
OK, here's one from
American industrialist and
founder of the Ford Motor Company,
Henry Ford,
taken from his autobiography,
My Life And Work, in 1922.
So, Brian, can we have
the two key words, please?
Customer and colour.
Say you what you like about Ford,
he never fell down the stairs,
did he?
He never took any chances
on the stairs.
LAUGHTER
Yeah, he is in mid very careful
descent, there.
Henry Ford's family is from Cork
and my family is from Cork
and he's so successful,
like, a multibillion-dollar
American industry man.
But how come Ireland is so poor?
Don't they get, like,
a little piece of Ford?
He didn't make the money
when he was in Cork, did he?
I know but don't, like,
rappers buy their mum a house?
- Right. - Will.i.am never would have
let Ireland suffer the way it is.
Henry Ford - nothing.
I'm starting to think
he's a piece of shit.
LAUGHTER
Well, yeah, he was a piece of shit
really, though.
- He was a horrible anti-Semite. - Yeah.
Oh, then was the quote - "Respect
for every customer of every colour,
- "except that one." - Well, yeah.
MICKY: This is something to do with
the first big production car,
- wasn't it? - Yeah.
- RICHARD: The Model T?
- The Model T, exactly.
He's referring to his announcement
in 1909
that Ford were going to build only
one model of car - the Model T.
RICHARD: Is it, like,
"The customer can have any colour
of car they like,
"as long as it's black"?
That is basically right.
- APPLAUSE
- Excellent.
In fact, he was an anti-Semite
but he wasn't
racist against black people.
So he was selectively racist.
I don't know if that's better or
worse. It's just different, really,
isn't it?
I think all racism,
by its nature, is selective.
- That's what's great about it. - Yeah.
- LAUGHTER
- But no, you're so completely right.
I don't think I can let
Micky and Katherine guess any more.
I just think I have to get
the complete quotation from Brian,
please.
Any customer
APPLAUSE
Ford suggested the use of black
from 1914 to 1926
due to the cheap cost
and durability of black paint.
Which world leader had a life-size
picture of Ford by his desk?
Idi Amin.
- No. - Stalin?
- No. - Churchill?
- No. - Hitler?
Hitler! Hitler.
- Classic Hitler. - He just gets nicer
and nicer, Henry Ford, doesn't he?
Did he send him the pictures saying,
"Dear Adolf,
"with best wishes
for your future endeavours"?
Basically, yes.
Hitler greatly admired
Ford's writings on production.
The Model T had inspired
the Volkswagen Beetle,
which is the only car to have been
produced in greater numbers.
As the motor car took over
from the horse-drawn cab,
Henry Ford borrowed the idea
of using a moving assembly line
from the meat-packing industry,
which uses horses in
a rather different way.
So, at the end of our
Key Words round,
I can tell you that Richard's team
is in the lead.
APPLAUSE
Over the break,
see if you can complete this
quotation from actor Jack Nicholson
from an interview in 2006
offering some moral guidance.
What, or who?
You can tweet your answer to
And we'll see
you in a couple of minutes.
APPLAUSE
APPLAUSE
Welcome back to
Was It Something I Said?
Before the break,
we asked you to complete
this quotation from
Jack Nicholson.
Any thoughts, panel?
Yourself and everyone else.
LAUGHTER
Your granny, about the smell.
LAUGHTER
Your girlfriend,
about your batting average.
You're warm. You're warm there.
I don't lie to anyone, ever.
- That's not a lie. - You never lie?
No. The truth shall set you free.
What happens in the dark
shall come to light.
You don't do it, Mr Mitchell, ever.
But society functions on lies
- Er - ..through exchanging
insincere compliments.
See, that's all very British to me.
I mean, we're not so polite.
Just What's a party like
in Canada?
"Shut up, you."
LAUGHTER
"I'd rather be sitting down."
"I expect you're more
right-wing than I'd like."
"I expect you're more
left-wing than I'd like."
"I didn't even want to come."
LAUGHTER
"I told you this was a bad idea,
darling.
"When are we getting divorced?"
- I love lying. - Who are the two people
in your life that you lie to most?
My little boy and my wife.
LAUGHTER
Well, how else are you going
to survive in a marriage? Come on!
By being honest? By going home
and going,
"What the fuck have I done?"
LAUGHTER
"Oh, good God,
I could be doing anything now
"but I've got to look after
that little fucker."
LAUGHTER
Jack Nicholson,
I can tell you as a clue,
is no longer married.
Maybe you should lie to your wife
and your girlfriend.
Girlfriend, yes.
Girlfriend and one other.
Your girlfriend's detective?
LAUGHTER
The bloke in the corner shop
who sells me wine.
What do you tell him?
I told him I don't go anywhere else.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
MICKY: The police?
The police! Well done.
APPLAUSE
You know he died in that film
The Shining, in the maze? Didn't he?
No. No, the character he played
LAUGHTER
- I thought he'd livened up a bit.
- Yeah.
I was going to say, if ever
you're trapped in a maze -
you know how to get out of the maze?
Just keep turning left.
If you keep going left
and left and left and left,
eventually,
you'll get out of any maze.
Well, thanks for ruining mazes
for me.
My one way of relaxing.
LAUGHTER
When I go back to Hampton Court,
I hope my son's worked that out.
I really do.
LAUGHTER
In 1994, Jack was involved
in a road-rage incident on the way
to play golf
when he hit a man's car
with his driver.
It's unclear who was more upset,
the car's owner, or Jack's driver
for being swung round by the ankles.
Here's another one from legendary
film-maker Alfred Hitchcock
in 1963, talking about something
he's scared of.
What? Any thoughts?
A man with a great big beard and
moustache trying to eat a Scotch egg.
LAUGHTER
Have you seen it? It's horrible.
The moustache sweeps
the egg as they are eating.
LAUGHTER
As a man with a beard now,
I find eating a Scotch egg is easier
because you get a second go.
LAUGHTER
If Brian was to eat a Scotch egg now,
people would pass out.
Yes, yes. In one gulp,
that's the best way to do it.
- Just take it like a paracetamol.
- That's right, yes.
I think they've half answered it
I think I know the answer to this.
You know the answer?
Yeah, it's eggs,
and I know the interview it came
from was with Francois Truffaut.
Fucking well done!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
He said the yolk is like blood.
He ate food privately
and really in a sort of hoardy way,
but had these certain things
he really disliked.
And all of the seduction
scenes in Hitchcock films
generally are accompanied
with a meal.
What he actually
said about blood is
It's odd because he sort of
looks like an egg.
LAUGHTER
He also looks egg bound.
LAUGHTER
Brian, can we have the full
quotation please?
Here's the full quotation.
Have you ever seen anything more
revolting than an egg yolk
breaking and spilling
its yellow liquid?
HE GURGLES
LAUGHTER
He was also famous for casting
himself in his own productions.
How did he place himself in a scene
in the film Lifeboat, which
was the story of shipwreck survivors
adrift in the middle of the ocean?
- He was in the lifeboat.
- He was the lifeboat. - He
- No, he wasn't in the lifeboat.
- He went past on a banana.
LAUGHTER
- With his mates, on their way
to Magaluf. - No, not that.
He's in an article for losing
weight in a newspaper.
He'd just been on this big diet
and had lost a lot of weight,
so there was a before
and after picture of him.
That's absolutely right.
Hitchcock is both men.
Alfred Hitchcock's cameo
appearances have helped
make his films very popular
with cinemagoers,
as his movies offer not just
a thrilling suspense story
or murder mystery, but also
a free game of Where's Wally.
Now it's time to play a round
called, What Are They Talking About?
You're going to hear a quote
that's been taken completely out
of context and you need to work out
what that person is talking about.
Sort of like being a High Court
judge who's had a big lunch
and has just woken up in the middle
of someone giving evidence and
now has to work out whether it's an
e-mail scam or a drive-by shooting.
This quotation is
from the naturalist and broadcaster
David Attenborough, talking about
his beliefs on a chat show in 2009.
May I have the quote please, Brian.
So, what's he talking about?
Is it when you're on a plane
and the stewardess comes past
and you say, "Pull my finger?"
LAUGHTER
Is it true that he went up
and lived with the gorillas?
Is it something about going up
and living with the gorillas?
I don't think it's about gorillas,
because I don't think gorillas
live at 19,000ft.
What is 19,000ft?
Give me a benchmark.
At 19,000ft you're beginning
to die quite rapidly.
And then at 21,000 feet you've
got 16 days to live, even if
you're well acclimatised.
28,000 feet, where I was,
one day without oxygen,
then you will die in one day.
19,000ft you are deteriorating.
You don't want
to stay up there too much.
Who could live at 19,000ft then?
Well, nobody can live there for very
long, but you can go there.
I'll give you a clue, is it someone
who is pretending to be something?
Get up to 19,000ft,
put something on yourself
to pretend to be this creature?
- That's too much of a clue.
- Is it too much of a clue?
Careful. Back up.
My saying it's too much of a clue
has made it a bigger clue!
LAUGHTER
- Is it about Bigfoot? - It is.
Let's have the full quote, Brian.
Yes, I'm so sorry.
I buggered that up, I'm so sorry.
I just wanted to help.
- You really did. - Yes.
Yes, Attenborough acknowledges
there are very,
very convincing footprints and there
is an unanswered problem there.
So basically he's saying that he
thinks there might well be a yeti.
Have you seen a yeti, Brian?
It seems to me that
there is a case for the yeti,
or whatever you want to call it.
Different types.
I did say to the Sherpas
when I was deep on the northern
side of Tibet, the first time
I went to Everest, "I said to them,
is there such a thing as a yeti?"
"Yes, yes. My father killed a yeti
when I was a little boy."
I said, "What did he look like?"
He said, "He looked like you."
LAUGHTER
- David? - Yes?
- Can Brian says more things? - Yes.
Brian, I need you to make a tape
of you talking for an hour,
and I need to hear that
tape every day.
- Every day. - Oh, very well. - Good.
LAUGHTER
Well, I'm afraid that's
all we've got time for.
A quick look at the scores
tells me this week's winners
are Richard and Bob.
APPLAUSE
Thank you to Mickey
and Catherine, Richard and Bob
and to our guest narrator,
Brian Blessed.
And we leave you with the words of
author JK Rowling, who once said
The answer being because half
the world is obsessed instead
with Harry bloody Potter.
Good night.