We Might Regret This (2024) s01e04 Episode Script

IMITATES WATER DRIPPING
Why aren't you dancing?
God, there are so many reasons.
Oh, stop it, you'll school 'em.
So "moodelling"? Hmm.
Doesn't that kind of like compromise
your artistic integrity?
Obviously. Buthave to do it.
We always said that we were going to
sell the house when Levi moved out.
When he moves out. And he's
currently sleeping on your sofa.
He's not exactly on his feet, is he?
Truth. Do you think about me
as often as I think about you?
Truth. How often do you think
about me? Not that much.
I'm here to make this house
work for YOU!
I guess I just thought I would be
doing this, him and I, you know?
We're talking about selling
the house
andare you installing
a fucking lift?!
Freya needs an accessible home!
Don't make me feel like a prick.
I got in it and it just Somehow
it just made me feel more disabled.
Um, can you get me out?
Come on, let's take her out.
Jo, I told you.
Get me out of this, please!
I think it looks like a fucking
motorbike. She's a killer.
HORNS TOOT REPEATEDLY
PHONE VIBRATES
Jo.
LEVI BLOWS SOFTLY
JO GRUMBLES
Jo, wake up. Wake up. Jo.
Wait, did we?
No, no, no. No, look,
I'm still wearing my jeans.
Oh. No, you just booty-called me
and then ditched me immediately
to go and help Freya piss.
And then we dry-humped
for like two minutes
and then you fell asleep in a dump.
Mmm. Mmm.
Fuck.
Oh, God, I'm so tired.
PHONE VIBRATES
No, no, no, no, no.
No! No, please. No, I can't.
I have to get Freya up. Come on.
Fuck.
We're like an old married couple,
except we've never once fucked.
Fuck!
You have to go before they see
you! What? What?
Yeah, you need to go.
OK, OK, OK, I'm going. Go, go.
Fuck, OK.
Jesus, out the window again?
I fucking hate Dawson's Creek.
I've snuck out this house
a thousand times, OK?
PHONE VIBRATES
Tonight, OK? I promise,
you'll get to at least third base.
Lights on.
I don't understand the base system
but that is
VERY exciting.
What depth of crisis got YOU
out of bed before midday?
I resent that.
Shouldn't need a reason
to visit my dad. Oh!
Why are you here?
I was just going to, um, you know
I-I came here to, er
EXCITEDLY: Are we starting
on the truck?
Yeah, was going to clean the truck.
Yes, yes! Let's go!
The cleaning stuff's right here,
look.
Of course.
I didn't know being your PA was
going to be so sleepless.
Oh, I know, I'll have a word
with my bladder.
Oh, it's calling HR.
Guess what. It's me.
You funny gal.
PHONE ALER
Oh, your car's on its way.
Where's Abe? I don't know.
I thought he was supposed to take
time off to help you settle in.
Yeah, but he spends all of his time
with his ex-wife -
well, current wife.
Levi was supposed to have moved out
but somehow he's always here.
Is he? He's not always here.
Yeah, he is.
How about craft beer?
Or how about something that reflects
your travels through Asia?
Oh, yeah, yeah. Of course.
Entitled white guy returns home
from travelling
in a Third World country
and appropriates their cuisine.
Sure.
In fact, Dad,
actually, while we're at it,
why don't we turn the van into a
recording studio?
I'll get cornrows, you do "blaccent"
and we just lay down
a couple of dotty beats.
Question - does it ever get
a little bit tiring being
so critical of literally everything
and everyone?
No.
WHIRRING
Nice new wheels.
Er, thank you?
You all right? Oh, got to go.
Where are you off to?
It's shoot day.
Shoot day, of course it is, yes.
Oh, wow, look who it is.
Hey. Hey! Hey. Hey. Hey.
Go smash it, babe!
I'll try. You'll be great.
Shame she missed the opportunity
to marry the Fonz.
Frida Kahlo and, er, spicy food -
this gig was like made for you.
No, it's bullshit.
I'm not even Mexican,
and as if an artist
like Frida Kahlo would
sell out and promote some sort
of hipster hot sauce made in Exeter!
Are you kidding me?
Frida Kahlo married an old guy
who was loaded.
It's not like she was like a pillar
of artistic integrity.
Er, no, she married
an exceptional artist,
who could've been with anyone,
and he chose her,
a queer disabled woman.
Yeah, I've seen the film.
Frida Kahlo married a dude
who already had a family
and treated her like shit.
Are you fucking serious right now?!
Don't shout.
I barely slept last night.
Yeah, because you weren't doing
your job properly.
Properly?!
I was up with you all night.
I had to call you several times
first.
OK, I'm going to speak in my
capacity as your PA and friend.
You are being a total prick
right now.
Sorry, I just seem to have adopted
a 28-year-old manchild
and his mother,
and I'm selling shitty hot sauce
instead of making art.
And I just
If anyone even suggests a monobrow,
I will lose my fucking shit.
Yes, yes! More spice, more sizzle.
Drop your chin.
Yeah, that's it. That's it.
Real Yeah, that's it.
Bit of growl.
Oh! That is
a movie star profile right there.
You know,
I was really dreading today.
Oh, my God, me too. I mean,
these gigs, they pay well
but, I mean, this isn't me.
I'm, um
I'm actually an artist.
Yeah, yeah, I do, er No way.
I do like sound installations.
More like, um, acoustic
healing journeys.
Oh, my God, I'm an artist too.
Oh, yeah. I can see that in you.
SHE MUMBLES
PHONE VIBRATES
Yes! That's it.
You know, you look stunning.
I feel real affinity towards Frida,
you know.
Well, um, you're not actually Frida
Kahlo.
I mean, you are Frida Kahlo.
We just can't say that you're Frida
Kahlo. You know, legal stuff.
Jo! Can you get some water for me,
please?
These lights are, er
I'm dying under them.
Actually, Jo, can you fetch two?
Yeah. Thanks, babes.
GONG TINKLES,
FUNKY MEDITATIVE MUSIC
WIND CHIMES CLATTER
BREATHY: Please. Staywithme.
Oh. Stress
That's really powerful.
Have you ever considered
like acoustic healing?
I think it could really help you.
It helped my sister SO much.
So is your sister disabled?
No, um, she had, er,
cystitis. Yeah. Oh, I'm so sorry.
Here's your water.
Thanks.
MUSIC CONTINUES
SOFT WAILING
What the fuck is this shit?!
Being a chef is such a hassle.
Why couldn't you have just set me
up in photography,
like the Beckhams did
with THEIR useless son?
There's nothing useless about you,
boy.
You've just been unwell.
Abe, can we actually talk through
some of this?
Am I going to add the repair costs
on my car door?
I don't know that now's the time,
is it, Jane?
There's lots to sort out still.
Yes, Jane. Now's not the time.
Abe's trying to teach the boy
some discipline!
Right, OK, well,
I'll leave you to it, then.
No, no. Don't do that.
You're being all breezy now
because you're just going to leave,
and me and Dad are going to have to
deal with it alone.
And, yes, the metaphor is not lost
on me there.
OK, fine, well, I'll stay and help.
Aw, look at his adorable face
when his victim narrative gets
undermined.
What can I do?
PHONE VIBRATES
My lunch is disgusting.
How's yours?
I'm sorry, do you want me to go
and FETCH you something else?
Perhaps I could go catch
some lobster for you and Haruka.
Oh, she just asked for water.
She bossed me around
and you said nothing.
Oh, come on.
We were talking about our art.
Her art?!
She's gentrifying whale sounds.
Apparently scientists are just
beginning to understand
the impact of soundwaves.
OK, you did not just say that.
Permission to speak freely
in my capacity as your friend
and not as your PA?
Are you going to call me a prick
again?
I understand that you feel
like Abe is distracted,
but Haruka is a basic bitch
in modern queer-ware.
Extremely hot
and very, very fuckable, but vapid.
And you've sworn off these types.
I know.
Right, going to show Abe
my make-up.
Babe! Hello, darling.
Oh, you look goy-geous!
I'm not Frida Kahlo.
Oh, no, you're just a hot bird
with a monobrow.
How's it going? It's going good,
it's going really, really good.
Yeah. Levi's made chicken satay
JANE: Abe! So you must have some
when you get home.
No! What the fuck is that?!
JANE SCREAMS WITH LAUGHTER
What, you?
She's put pickle down my back.
What are you doing, darling?!
Stop, listen, hey!
Let the boy focu
Listen, behave yourself, woman.
Ay-y-y!
Look, it could have been worse.
At least they weren't fucking
when you called!
This is not what I moved here for.
That is fucking amazing.
It's really good. It's so good.
It's really, really fucking good.
OK, OK, you both have to say that.
You've got
too big a dog in this fight.
Well OK, well No.
Why don't we offer it up
to the public? Yeah.
We'll batch this lot up, we'll hand
it out to see what people think.
I'm not giving out food
to strangers!
That's like "paedophile with sweets"
level creepy.
No, that's like "man at the bar buys
you a drink" level creepy.
Let's go to the park. Yes. What?
I'm not giving out food in the park
with my mum and my dad.
Well, then, move out and get a job.
It is real world
or satay! No, no, no.
This is bullshit. I'm not
I'm not going to be pushed
into this -
it's really weird
and frankly it's bullying.
I'm still not doing it.
Um, no, this isthis is absurd.
We're on a bridge, there's only
two exits. They can't get out.
Hi, hi there.
Sorry, we're starting a mobile
food truck and wondered
if you wanted to try some samples.
Er. Yeah, sure.
Sure, why not. Yes? Yes. Great.
There you go. Ooh!
Er, yeah
Does it taste professional?
Mmm. It's good! Yeah? REALLY good.
That's nice. Oh, that's great.
Can I just ask, are you not
like at all concerned
about taking food from strangers?
Like, what if this contained GHB
or rat faeces?
I'm 32 and I still live with
my parents.
Free shit's free shit.
Yeah, what she said.
That's actually quite hard
to argue with. Er
JANE CHUCKLES
Take some for the road,
if that's OK.
OK. That's enough.
OK. Thanks. Yay that's great!
Bye. Right? Whoa.
I mean, they live
with their parents as well.
OK, so a little rehearsal,
you're going to turn to camera
and then say the brand name.
Free Da Heat.
OK, again, but like you don't care.
Free Da Heat. OK.
Again, but like it's hot.
Free Da Heat. Yeah, OK.
Again, but, um, turn me on.
Er
BANG!
Free Da Heat.
Ooh, OK, I think we got it.
Damn, I want some hot sauce now.
Um, can we get make-up in?
Freya's a bit shiny.
Freya, do you want a matcha?
Oh, no, I'm good, thanks.
Jo, can you get me a matcha?
Er-r-r-r-r
Nope.
Listen, Freya, we're going to the
Rum Barrel for wrap drinks later.
You and, um
what's-her-face going to come?
My name is Jo and,
Freya, we have plans.
Dinner plans. Yeah, we got something
pencilled in, but I
I
Freya, I know what you're doing.
I think I can persuade you.
Probably.
Another happy customer.
There we go. Fuck That is mad.
That is just mental. All right,
have a good one. Excuse me, um
Just ignore him. No, I'm not igno
Um, excuse me, sorry to interrupt
Not now.
Hear me out, this is free chicken
satay. How often in your life
do you get something? Look,
I said not now. All right?
Sorry, thank you, but we're in a
little bit of a rush. Yeah.
Give it here. We'll take your shitty
food. See you later.
OK, you don't have to be a dick
about it.
Sorry, but my freebies are actually
only for the pure of heart, so
What?
What are you, a fucking retard?
Darling, let's
Um, OK, don't "darling" him.
That's enabling
a total piece of shit.
What?! You don't know me.
Haruka's just wondering
if we're sure
if we don't want to go for drinks
at the Rum Barrel.
Game's a little strong,
considering she just met you.
I mean, maybe just one?
No, please, Freya, I'm so tired.
And she's a monster,
a self-entitled, arrogant,
perfectly symmetrical monster.
That's a bit mean.
Just cos she has a septum piercing.
Fine, fine, I'll call Abe
and tell him we're on our way home.
We actually DO know each other.
We've slept together. This is mad!
Right, back off, you retard.
We don't say that word any more,
you fucking prick!
I'll say whatever the fuck I like.
Get up, you prick.
What are you going to do?
Alex, seriously Chicken?! Put the
skewer down. Put the skewer down.
Actually that's quite dangerous.
Put the chick Put it down.
Jesus Christ!
All right, all right, all right.
You idiot. Prick!
What's up with you? He's got a
fucking screw loose, that guy.
He's mad! Whoa! All right.
You're a nut case. OK
Ah.
Don'tsnap. Got a wipe
PHONE RINGS
Oh!
DRIVER: Lean forward, will you?
JANE: Freya, it's Freya
ABE: Yeah, tell her I'll call her
back.
Abe will call you back.
Everything's fine.
Do I pull it out
or do I leave it in?
CALL CUTS OFF
Sorry, we're just going to get out
again, we don't need a cab.
Um Oh, make your mind up!
What?
Come on, we're just going for drinks
with friends.
It's a thing that people do.
Right.
Look, I know you're pissed with Abe
and on the rebound.
Very intuitive.
And she IS your usual type.
She is fit.
So what am I supposed to do
when I go home,
just lie about all of this
to Abe and Levi?
I mean, I don't really know what
Levi has to do with any of this.
It's just a little weird that
now I'm like an accomplice
to your affair to a Gen Z
with a pixie cut.
Accomplice? Affair? Are you serious?
All I'm asking is
for you to do your job.
Sorry.
SARCASTICALLY: It's been
an absolute pleasure.
Dickhead.
I know you've been stabbed
by your son,
but I think, on balance,
today's been pretty positive.
I shouldn't have pushed you into it,
though, mate.
I don't think it was fair.
I think this might work, you know.
Do you think?
Yeah. I mean, I've got to work
on not saying the first thing that
pops into my head every time.
I mean, probably doing something
a little bit more interesting
than chicken satay. But
Yeah. Bit mid.
Where did you learn to say mid?
Your father's dating a yout!
JANE LAUGHS
True.
Sorry.
You know, you can afford to let go
of me a little bit,
I will be fine, I won't die.
I mean, having said that,
I absolutely could not handle
that guy on my own today.
He was absolutely massive.
He was going to kill me.
Yeah, I got you, bro.
Is that good for threes?
No, it's our thing.
Oh! Have you called Freya back yet?
I tell you what, I haven't been
a very good partner, though.
Don't beat yourself up, Dad,
you've been parenting!
RINGING TONE
28 is a notoriously hard age
for a little boy.
FREYA: This is Freya, leave
a message Come on, come on.
All right, all right.
What do I do? What do I do?
How about you sign
the final divorce agreement?
Oh, yeah.
Nothing says "I love you"
to your girlfriend
more than divorcing
your current wife.
Hmm.
A pen. Right, I'll get the pen,
then, shall I?
IN TEXAN DRAWL: Thank you, boy.
What?!
ABE SNIFFLES
Don't be melodramatic, just do it.
All right, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Yeah.
PEN CLICKS
Right. Right? Yeah. Do you? No.
Excellent. No, that'sno
No, that's not.
Look, I'm not saying
that spending the day
reverse Parent Trapping yourselves
probably isn't very romantic
for Freya, but why don't you just go
to the Rum Barrel and talk to her?
Mmm. Go where?
The Rum Barrel.
It'sit's where they said
they were going earlier.
Come on. You don't listen to a thing
she says, do you?
You've got to do something
thoughtful and attentive.
All the things that get chicks wet,
am I right, Mum?!
Mm-hm.
No, I No, I regret that.
I hate everything about this.
You're thinking with your clit.
This is such a bad idea.
You need to get the fuck on board.
We're going to get some drinks
and you've got to be my wingman.
OK, a single gong
and I'm out of here.
POP MUSIC PLAYS
Ah, excuse me.
Sorry, can I? Yeah, thanks.
Hey!
Oh, my gosh.
Hey!
Hey. Hey!
Hey, Freya, how you doing?
Oh, how's it going? Oh, cool.
Just one drink, yeah? Yeah, yeah.
G&T.
I'm sorry about that
Freya, you came!
Oh, my God, hey!
I think you look hot, man.
Ay! So do you!
It's Frida fucking Kahlo!
Are you OK?
Hey, you look hot! Hey,
do you want to do a cheeky line?
I'm so glad you came. I wanted
to ask you something all day.
Something a bit naughty. I
Are you sure you're OK?
Will Jo have to lift you
to sit on my face?
Ow!
Getting mauled by a cokehead
wasn't as fun as I remember.
Car will be here in eight minutes.
Oh, sorry, am I allowed to speak now
or am I still wearing my butler's
coat?
No, sorry for enjoying the one time
I didn't feel invisible.
It's fine, I get it.
But, Freya, you didn't have to
introduce me as your PA.
Freya. Jo, you ARE my PA.
Freya.
Abe, what are you doing here?
ABE PANTS
Can you give us a second?
I've been really distracted,
and I'm sorry.
This is amazing, what you're doing.
I'm so proud of you. I mean,
it's really not that amazing.
I think it is.
I'm just, um
Levi, you know,
when I went to Indonesia
to get him
I basically spent a week
just lying next to him in bed,
just scared what he might do
if I left
and, er, sometimes I worry
that he's still in that place.
But more and more I realise it's
..it's me that is
You know what I mean?
Thank you.
Can we just go home? Yeah.
Take me home.
LEVI MOANS
QUIETLY: Shut the fuck up.
Sh! Shhh!
Fuck! Oh, my God! Sh!
I swear if we get caught
before I see your dick
Mmm. We'll be in so much trouble.
So much trouble.
Yeah. Not to mention
how angry and disappointed
your father's going to be.
YELLS: Fuck, that's a lot! Fuck!
JO GIGGLES
Yeah!
I was going to say, um, before you
threw me over your shoulder
and dragged me back to your cave,
I was going to ask you
how your day was.
Um Yeah, it was good.
I think I'm getting kind of good
at this.
Yeah, I've no doubt.
Do your faces.
Showshow me what you did.
Ah!
Oh.
Rrrr!
Ah. Why am I doing sound effects?
I don't know. Oh, that's nice.
I suddenly want to go and buy
hot sauce now.
You're not put off by how I am,
are you?
What, your, er,
humiliation father fetish?
No, no, no, no.
Just being like, you know, how my
how my brain works.
Er, well,
I have an emergency backpack
under the bed.
So I can escape any situation.
What? Apparently it's a PTSD thing.
Down there? Mm-hm.
Oh, my God.
What the fuck is that?
WHISTLE PEEPS
Shit! What are you doing?!
THEY CHUCKLE
What are YOU doing?
And how about these drinks,
how was drinks?
Yeah, I mean, I only went
because this super-hot director
was flirting with me, so
Was he? OK.
SHE was.
OK.
But as soon as I got to the pub,
I didn't really want to be there,
so
Yeah. Why are you telling me that?
Well, because, you know,
you're honest with me
and it's important
we communicate openly, so
Yeah, absolutely, always.
But you don't
You don't have tell me everything,
that's not
That's kind of just
..hurtful.
So is your relationship with Jane!
I mean, you, Jane and Levi are
this like impenetrable trio,
and it always leaves me
in this really weird place.
So, Jo takes you to a pub because
the director wants to fuck you?!
No! That's a great comparison
No. ..to my family, yeah.
No, no, I
No, go on, let's have the details.
Well, I was angry and I called you
and, what, your wife answers
the phone?!
Well
OK.
Will you fuck me while I wear
nothing but the backpack?
Yeah. Thank you.
You know,
we signed the divorce papers today.
No, I didn't know that.
Mm-hm.
Guess I'm no longer
the slut piece on the side, then?
ABE CHUCKLES
No, you're not.
You're just my slut now.
Just take it off.
PHONE VIBRATES
Fuck.
Fuck. No, no, no, no.
FREYA: Jo! Yeah?
Quick, I need to pee.
Abe's in the kitchen
hiding his boner for Round Two.
Yeah.
Be right there.
Stay in there, she's coming.
Fucking hell.
LEVI GROANS
Ugh I may be a while.
Just off
for multiple years of therapy.