We Three Queens (2023) s01e04 Episode Script
Ian & Lamar
1
(soft music)
- Would you rather if I had
dicks where my nipples are
or a vagina for a mouth?
- [Lamar] Jesus, Ian!
- [Ian] Don't think.
- Um, would it be shaved?
- Not necessarily.
- Nip dicks, I guess.
- Would you rather Donatella
Versace's face on my body
or my face on Donna's body?
- Ah,
I don't know.
Your face, her body.
- Why?
- I don't know, it's a stupid
question.
- If you had to choose,
would you rather have sex with
me
or a wealthy middle-aged
spinster?
- Okay, what's this about?
- I'm just curious.
- You. Obviously.
Right now, you.
- But at another time, you
might like to be with Linda,
even prefer it?
(romantic music)
- (chuckles) Where is this
going?
You getting jealous?
- (chuckles) I mean, I, I just
turned 30,
so on one hand I am getting
closer
to the demographic you seem to
like,
but on the other hand, I have
a, I have a penis attached
to my body and I, I wonder if
that's a, if that's a problem.
- Are you having a midlife
crisis?
- Midlife?
- Well, yeah, like 30, right?
- [Ian] (chuckles) 30 is not
midlife.
- It's not?
I don't know (chuckles).
- [Ian] I guess I just
wanna know what this is,
like what we are.
- We are
us,
two dudes, one bed,
and a lovely Delores down the
hall.
- And Linda.
Do you wish I had a pussy?
- What? No!
- It wouldn't have to be on my
face.
- Still, no.
- Would you rather my
butthole or Linda's butthole?
I'm talking apples to apples
here.
- I'm not doing this, no.
(Ian groans)
(soft music)
(Lamar groans softly)
(Lamar groans loudly)
So you would be okay if I died?
- Ah, Jesus, Ian!
The hell is wrong with you?
(Lamar sighs loudly)
Come here, look at me.
You are not gonna die
because you're turning 30,
and I'm not gonna leave you
'cause I'm fucking someone else.
You need to stop with that shit.
It's not cute, okay?
- I'm sorry.
- It's fine.
- (sighs) This isn't me.
- I hope not.
I'm just feeling a bit needy.
And I know that if I
died, you'd be devastated.
- I would.
- You'd probably have trouble
moving on.
- Yeah, I'd probably be quite
distraught.
- You'd probably stop dating men
and women
altogether for a while.
- Yeah, probably for a while.
- Maybe even years.
- Ian, no more!
- I'm sorry.
No, where you going?
- I'm gonna go to the
bathroom and jerk off,
and then I'm gonna go downstairs
and have some ice cream.
Is that okay with you?
- Whatever.
(soft music)
(soft music continues)
- Lamar,
am I enough for you?
- You're plenty, old man.
(door squeaks)
(Ian sighs)
(tap running)
(My Little Trouble by Love
London plays)
(door squeaks)
(music intensifies)
(Ian groans)
You have hands that
work themselves into me ♪
And now they're the only ones
I feel ♪
But when I wonder about
the others from before ♪
Push a little harder ♪
And I only love you more ♪
(soft music)
- Would you rather if I had
dicks where my nipples are
or a vagina for a mouth?
- [Lamar] Jesus, Ian!
- [Ian] Don't think.
- Um, would it be shaved?
- Not necessarily.
- Nip dicks, I guess.
- Would you rather Donatella
Versace's face on my body
or my face on Donna's body?
- Ah,
I don't know.
Your face, her body.
- Why?
- I don't know, it's a stupid
question.
- If you had to choose,
would you rather have sex with
me
or a wealthy middle-aged
spinster?
- Okay, what's this about?
- I'm just curious.
- You. Obviously.
Right now, you.
- But at another time, you
might like to be with Linda,
even prefer it?
(romantic music)
- (chuckles) Where is this
going?
You getting jealous?
- (chuckles) I mean, I, I just
turned 30,
so on one hand I am getting
closer
to the demographic you seem to
like,
but on the other hand, I have
a, I have a penis attached
to my body and I, I wonder if
that's a, if that's a problem.
- Are you having a midlife
crisis?
- Midlife?
- Well, yeah, like 30, right?
- [Ian] (chuckles) 30 is not
midlife.
- It's not?
I don't know (chuckles).
- [Ian] I guess I just
wanna know what this is,
like what we are.
- We are
us,
two dudes, one bed,
and a lovely Delores down the
hall.
- And Linda.
Do you wish I had a pussy?
- What? No!
- It wouldn't have to be on my
face.
- Still, no.
- Would you rather my
butthole or Linda's butthole?
I'm talking apples to apples
here.
- I'm not doing this, no.
(Ian groans)
(soft music)
(Lamar groans softly)
(Lamar groans loudly)
So you would be okay if I died?
- Ah, Jesus, Ian!
The hell is wrong with you?
(Lamar sighs loudly)
Come here, look at me.
You are not gonna die
because you're turning 30,
and I'm not gonna leave you
'cause I'm fucking someone else.
You need to stop with that shit.
It's not cute, okay?
- I'm sorry.
- It's fine.
- (sighs) This isn't me.
- I hope not.
I'm just feeling a bit needy.
And I know that if I
died, you'd be devastated.
- I would.
- You'd probably have trouble
moving on.
- Yeah, I'd probably be quite
distraught.
- You'd probably stop dating men
and women
altogether for a while.
- Yeah, probably for a while.
- Maybe even years.
- Ian, no more!
- I'm sorry.
No, where you going?
- I'm gonna go to the
bathroom and jerk off,
and then I'm gonna go downstairs
and have some ice cream.
Is that okay with you?
- Whatever.
(soft music)
(soft music continues)
- Lamar,
am I enough for you?
- You're plenty, old man.
(door squeaks)
(Ian sighs)
(tap running)
(My Little Trouble by Love
London plays)
(door squeaks)
(music intensifies)
(Ian groans)
You have hands that
work themselves into me ♪
And now they're the only ones
I feel ♪
But when I wonder about
the others from before ♪
Push a little harder ♪
And I only love you more ♪