Web Therapy (2011) s01e04 Episode Script
Public Relations
Previously on Web Therapy Well, I can't possibly give you any money.
Why on earth would you hoard the money right now when you could help everyone right now while you're alive, especially your children? I mean, I don't mind it when kip hits me up, but when you or your sister-- I mean, kip is the absolute soul of integrity.
In fact, I was with him just last week and-- Last week, were you? I gave him 100-- Dollars? As he's sweet-talking a certain client of his, trying to get some kind of repeal of that gay marriage thing.
Listen, by the way, I need to say, thank you so much for your recommendation to the Lachman brothers.
Listen, I just wanted to share my good news with you.
Oh, yeah? Jeremy and Robert Lachman are showing real interest in supporting my endeavor.
I think about you all the time.
Um I love you.
I think I love you.
What's up with Richard Pratt? He seems so happy.
Hello, Claire.
I'm Fiona Wallace.
It's nice to meet you.
Um, I have to say, I think that this, um, meeting is actually serendipitous, because as it turns out, you are in product launches - for, um, Clark and wescott.
- Mm-hmm.
You know, which is a very reputable company.
And I'm beginning, um, this new treatment modality for the Internet.
I'm gonna stop you right there, okay, Fiona? I am an executive at Clark and wescott.
I'm gonna get to the who, what, where, why, and when, and I do specialize in new product launches.
I was ordered by my company to undergo therapy because this is what happened.
I slammed this paperweight on the hand of a subordinate, and turns out, she's now missing the tip of that finger.
It's that finger right there.
Oh, not the little one.
No, no, it's kind of a useless finger, this one.
We don't use this for anything.
It's one of five, but it doesn't really have any function.
So, anyway, as you know, I am in business, and so are you.
I looked you up online.
I don't have hours to waste on this kind of stupidity, and I assume that you feel the same way.
And you know what else? You're gonna have to pick up your tempo of speaking, because I'm losing interest.
Well, your people skills are astounding.
I don't know how much time you spent on my website-- Not--not much time at all, so please Well, I do have a background in business, 'cause I was in the financial world - For the bulk of my career.
- Very good.
Till I started doing therapy and realized that a 50-minute session could actually be much more effective in a three-minute session on the Internet, as so many of you are busy.
I couldn't agree with you more, Fiona.
And you don't have the time to go into someone's office and whine and blather for 50 minutes.
You know, I would love to hear more about your theories, because we got nothing but time here, but why don't you just tell me-- let's knock this out.
Tell me what I need to do in order to, uh, have therapy with you.
Let's just-- let's get to it, okay? Well, um, I think what I need to do is submit forms to your h&r department, - saying that we have had therapy.
- Terrific.
So it's gone pretty well so far, don't you think? Gonna write a pretty good report for me, I'll bet.
It's just basic introductions.
I don't know that I'd be able to say anything yet.
- Okay.
- But one thing - does strike me about you.
- Mm-hmm.
And that is that you seem the perfect person Yeah.
For this new treatment modality Serendipitous, the modality.
Of three-minute sessions.
So you just say words, and you hope at the end of the sentence, they make sense.
That's how you work, huh? I got your number, kiddo.
All right.
And I think I'm starting to put your number together as well.
So now I'm paying you to listen.
Can I tell you a story? What can we do? What can we do to fill these three minutes? You may tell me a story in your own interesting way.
We'll see if that'll pass some time.
My father used to beat me morning, noon, and night.
Now, that's a lie, and you're not a very good therapist, because you couldn't tell that that was a lie.
How about this one? Let me tell you another story.
My mother used to strip naked and slip into bed with me in the middle of night.
Now, that's the truth.
Did you know that? What's the matter with you? What kind of a therapist are you? I'm picking up control issues that you're having.
Oh, okay, well, there you go, but that's why I run an office, you know, and I have eight accounts and I manage 30 people, because I have control issues, and they tend to work toward my advantage.
Well, I might be bringing you a new account, it seems, so if you--if it seems interesting to you.
- What's that? - I think that you would really enjoy working on this new account as well.
What new account is that? The therapy? The web therapy thing? Oh, you're interested in it? 'Cause it is fascinating.
So if you have some time, I think that Actually, you know what, I don't have any time.
Uh, I have eight accounts here at, uh, Clark and Wescott.
I have 30 people I'm managing, and I also have a whiny domestic partner.
- Oh, so you're gay.
- No, I'm not gay.
I'm manly, but I'm not gay.
And I don't want to marry him, because I can't take on one more thing.
I just don't have the time, okay? I am swamped.
I have not taken a deep breath since 1988.
I've got responsibility up to here.
I don't have time to-- I don't have time to have a snack.
I haven't even had a leisurely dump in the last ten years.
I'm wearing a colostomy bag right now, and my office smells like the inside of a Of a nursing home.
Well, hopefully, that's an exaggeration.
But maybe what you need to do is to lighten your load a bit, so that maybe you perhaps have time to defecate.
The normal way.
You would have to rip those accounts out of my dead, cold hands.
Okay? Well, our ti-- it's been five minutes.
Oh, it has? Oh, good.
So we've actually exceeded.
So how about next week at the same time? Absolutely.
I'll punch you in.
And then just a little, um, suggestions about how to deal with your employee, who, I think, wants to file charges.
Yes, she's suing me, as a matter of fact, yeah.
Sometimes it's as easy as showing some attention to an employee.
So if you would maybe pay her some attention.
Woo her.
Go to her house to see if she is okay if she's not at the office.
And if she is, send her emails every hour or half-hour to say that you're checking up on her and you'd like to know how she's doing.
Drive by her house, send her flowers, and shower her with attention.
Yeah? That seems like it would just tick her off.
That doesn't sound like a very good idea.
Well, that's what my instincts are telling me you should do if you want to soften her a little bit.
Okay.
All right.
Well, I'm open to that.
I'll give it a try.
So I'm besieging her is what you're saying with emails and such and voicemails, maybe flowers and that sort of thing.
And if I do this, you'll sign off on the session, right? Say I'm making progress.
Oh, well, you would be.
Yes, of course, I would.
All right, that's it.
We're done.
Over and out.
Thank you.
Yes, well, again, thank you so much, Jeremy, for the check.
I did get it.
Yeah, you are-- indeed, you are a man of your word.
Yeah, and also I wanted to say that it's funny, I saw that, uh, Russell's signature was on my check.
Is he now the cfo? Yes, I've always liked Russell too.
Uh-huh.
And thank you for sending me a copy of Ted's report.
That was very exciting.
How thrilling to get such a glowing report from him.
I know.
Oh, I have some exciting news too.
I'm about to work with one of the top people at Clark and Wescott.
Yes, yes.
No.
No.
Yes, I know her, and her schedule's about to clear up, okay? I've--I think I'm managing that, all right? I'm navigating those waters and making it work out For all of us.
Yes.
What? All right, what? What's your question? What? Yes, I am grateful that you sent me the check.
Yes, it's not unreasonable.
Um, it's a It's a pink satin top.
It's open, yes, to my navel.
So I had my assistant send her, uh, some flowers.
I sent a bunch of emails, and, uh, I sent her-- I still forget what her name is, but, um, I, you know, had a singing telegram saying, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm oh so sorry didn't mean it, didn't mean-- Anyway, it goes on and on, but I wrote it.
And when I passed her in the hall, she went [Gasps.]
, so I don't know if that's a good thing or not.
She seems a little freaked out, I gotta tell you the truth.
I'm not sure, uh I'm not sure how she's, uh You know, she's got a bodyguard.
She's got these two big black guys--bald black guys - that follow her everywhere.
- Truly? I'm assuming that they're bodyguards, I don't know.
Did you get a memo on it? Did the company supply her with the bodyguards? Not that I know of, no.
Maybe they're just her friends.
Sorry, Claire.
Can I talk to you for a second? Hold on, just a second.
Will you hold that thought? Hey, Dan, what's going on? - They're pulling your accounts.
- What? It came from the top.
Board of directors decided to put you on probation.
- Probation? I-- - No, I'm sorry.
- No, Dan! - It's not my choice, Claire.
- The board of dir-- - Claire, it's not my choice.
Dan! Dan, get back here! Hey! Dangnabbit! Dangnabbit! Aah! Oh! Look what you did! Look what you did! I lost every account! Every account! Did you just throw licorice at me? Aah! Aah! All right, well, this isn't going to help.
Well, it makes me feel a hell of a lot better, I'll tell you that much! - Dangnabbit! - Well-- Oh, I should have listened to my own instincts.
Well, I gave perfectly good advice.
Um, the execution of it is not my responsibility.
I can't speak to that.
Don't light matches and throw them, Claire.
Claire? Well, why don't we just calm down and take this bucket of lemons and make lemonade out of it? Oh, how we gonna do that, huh? Well, you had some accounts, uh Unburdened? Are you unburdened now with some accounts, - it sounds like? - Yeah, you betcha! I got nothin' goin' on.
I have nothing to do! I have to show up every day, but I've got nothing to do! Well, I think I could propose something that could be very fulfilling for you.
Oh, go ahead.
You've got a great track record, but go ahead.
Well, in the way of humanitarian causes, of course, I don't know of anything that helps more people than therapy.
And, um, I don't know if you remember or not, but I am starting to launch this new modality of three-minute sessions on the web.
No.
No, no, right, I know all about that, and you need help launching it.
So that's what this is about, right? Now you're available.
Right, I'm available now, because you gave me the most ridiculous advice in the world.
And I was stupid enough to take it, so now you have me free and clear to launch your silly little, ridiculous web therapy Internet service.
Oh! Well, you've got another thing coming.
'Cause I'm gonna find out where you are.
Where are you? What is that, a newspaper? What does that say? What town are you in? There's no newspaper.
There's one right there.
What does that say? I will find you.
I'm gonna put a trace on you right now.
- Well, I'm-- - Don't you dare sign off.
No, no, no, don't you sign off! I will find you! I will find you! I will hunt you down! - Hello? - Hi! Surprised to see me? Yes, I am.
Yeah, well, I used my handle from my old C.
B.
days.
Yeah, different screen name.
Yes, I saw.
I didn't know who "honky-tonk gal" was.
Me.
Well, listen, you should know that--that, um, we are fine.
All right, I am not-- if, um, Clark and wescott wants to contact me, I will let them know that we are just not a good fit.
- Mm-hmm.
- So I won't be filing any negative reports, so you don't need to hunt me down, oror Or track you down.
Or track me down or pursue any relationship with me at all.
No, no, no, no.
Well, we will be working together.
Yeah.
- Hmm.
Since our last session, I copyrighted the phrase "web therapy," bought up all the domain names, the dot-coms, uh, dot-net, dot-org, dot-edus.
It's big.
It's gonna be big.
We got celebrity endorsements.
I got a book deal goin' on.
We're gonna have a link on The New York Times health page.
It's just-- it's gonna be phenomenal.
I will sue you.
My husband happens to be a very prominent attorney here in Philadel-- here.
And I will sue you.
What are you gonna sue me for, Fiona, huh? You gonna sue me for having a great idea? Huh? You gonna sue me for making your dreams come true? You gonna sue me for getting you on The Today Show? Do you know Matt Lauer? Huh? He's a good friend of mine.
Look, we're gonna make this work for both of us.
How about a 70-30 split, because you'll be doing most of the grunt work? Course, this is, uh, contingent on your filing that report with H.
R.
declaring me psychologically and emotionally fit.
That way, I'll get, all of my accounts back, and, uh, we'll be in business.
Deal? No.
Thank you.
I'll pass.
I think instead what I'm going to do is I'm going to submit to H.
R.
my recorded sessions with you.
You taped me? I didn't sign a release.
Oh, I always tape my sessions.
In particular, I think they'll be interested in the one where you were ranting like a lunatic and throwing papers and staplers and licorice and lit matches around.
That should get you fired.
In which case, no one will return any of your calls and you will be of no use to me, so it seems all your leverage has evaporated.
I'd say 90-10 seems fair, don't you? Wow.
Wow! You are good.
You are ve--deal.
It's a deal.
Well, eight years in the world of finance.
Well, I googled you.
It was mid-management, so that's no great shakes, - but you're good.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
You are a worthy opponent.
Well, thank you very much.
I have lunch scheduled right after this, but I'm wondering, do you want to hang on for a bit, and you can tell me about some of the celebrities that you've booked.
Oh, absolutely.
Ray Romano.
First guy I'd like to talk about--Ray Romano.
- Love to have lunch with you.
- He's wonderful.
He is.
Very funny guy.
Oh, he's wonderful.
I got Richard Simmons.
How you like that? I don't know who that is.
He's the guru guy.
The physical guy who dances with all the old ladies.
- He wears short shorts.
- Deepak Chopra? No, no, no, he's like-- - He would be wonderful.
- He would.
Deepak Chopra.
Sweetie, I really can't talk right now.
I'm not calling to chit-chat.
Just say good night.
I assume you're working late, and thank you so much for the contracts - you did for Claire Dudek.
- No problem.
I am so thrilled.
She signed away everything.
I can fire her at will.
What an idiot she is.
Well, you married a good lawyer.
- That too.
- Yeah.
Of course.
And also, if you happen to speak with my mother, then you could possibly mention how business is booming.
Yeah.
Yeah, I gotta call her anyway about something else, and, uh Which I can't really talk about now, as she's a client.
But I'll try to remember to tell her, you're-- you know, you're hot right now.
Oh, good, all right, yes.
Don't tell me what you'll be talking about, okay.
Honey, it's--it's-- you know, it's all-- it's all gonna benefit all of us.
Yes, no, I understand.
That's why I was winking, you see.
Oh, I can't see on the computer, honey.
- I can't see.
- Oh, how odd, because it's a visual medium.
But anyway, um Is that it? Oh, all right, well, I guess you're busy and you have to go.
I'm sorry, I gotta go.
All right.
Good-bye.
Good night, sweetie.
Yes, I'm-- you can't--why can't-- call you? Why? Hello, Richard? Yes, I can-- you told me to call you.
Why don't you just log on? You can just hit the video icon and then-- it's-- it's not working at all? You don't have Internet? Oh.
All right.
Well, all right, it's just as well, I guess.
I was sort of going to give you some kind of visual treat, but maybe that wouldn't help things anyway.
Um, I needed to talk to you about terminating treatment and any contact between us at all.
All righ-- well, because--I'll No, no, no, let's not blame me.
No, no, I didn't ever say that I was going to show up at Giacomo's.
You just assumed that I would.
And, which leads me to the next big issue, which is you've been speaking about our connection way too much.
It's become way too public, Richard.
Gina talks about it endlessly.
What do you, just have symposium during the breaks? All right, no, I hear that you're crying.
Yes, I can hear it.
All right, listen, Richard, I don't think this is helping anyone, so I'm just going to hang up.
Well, I think there are hotlines for that.
Babe Doc's on the computer.
Hello.
Hi, I'm Doctor Wallace.
Hi, I'm Bryn.
I'm Justin.
Oh, good, all right.
Yes, I just had your screen names.
It was "skeever" and "munch" or something, so I wasn't sure who that was.
- Bryn, yeah.
- Justin.
All right.
Well, what brings you two to this session? Uh, she brought me to this session.
I had no plan to do this.
I just think airing your dirty laundry out over the Internet to a stranger is a little odd and bizarre, but, you know.
You're dancing around it.
We're here because he is jealous.
I'm not.
I'm not jealous.
He's jealous of my career and how successful I am and how driven I am, and I work a lot.
She thinks I'm a jealous person because of her work and her work friends and everything with work.
I'm not jealous.
I just, you know I just don't understand how, you know, you need to take work home and, you know, go to work on weekends, and I just think it's absurd, but, you know, I'm not jealous.
I just-- - well, lady MacBeth, for someone who's complaining so much And, uh, you're going on and on about how you're not jealous, but there's big heap of hostility coming through.
I'm not threatened by her work at all.
In fact, I think it consumes her to the point where it makes it really difficult for us, and I--I just-- I think it's ridiculous.
- Well, it's time-consuming.
- I think this is ridiculous.
It takes research and time and And are you successful? I'm extremely successful, and my co-workers see it.
They know how good I am.
We work together, you know.
We're like a well-oiled machine, and we just get things done, and that's a great feeling when you're, you know, doing something that's important.
And may I ask how much, bryn, do you contribute to the household? That would-- that would be about 100%.
Oh.
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
It's not 100%.
It's anything but 100%.
All right, Justin, then that's unfair.
Go ahead and explain.
What do you do? It is unfair.
Uh, I write.
I'm writing.
Yeah, journaling doesn't count.
Jour--you know, I do write in a journal, and I have, you know, a diary that I like to write in every day, but I'm a screenwriter, and I have a beat sheet and great logline.
I'm just waiting for that inciting incident to happen, and, you know, it's close.
You know, it's been a year.
I'm almost there, so I'm excited.
Just waiting.
So you haven't earned any income from your screenwriting yet.
No.
All right.
Well, you know, this is not uncommon, all right, in a span-- this has been going on for centuries.
No, actually, only since the '70s, um, when women actually started earning a living and the men find it extremely threatening.
And, well, I truly understand this situation, because, um, my husband and I, kip, started off very much the same way.
He was in law school, and I was in the financial world, and I was the one supporting our household, and it was extremely threatening to him, you know.
Now, of course, Justin, you might be interested to know, he's an extremely successful attorney, all right, and he does definitely, uh I'm very happy for him.
He definitely pulls his weight in the household, but during that time, um, he did manifest some of the strains, all right? So are you, Justin, finding that you need to wear bras or ladies' panties? Um, no, I never had that impulse, ever.
We've not-- not gotten there yet.
- Yet, yes.
- Uh, ever are we getting there.
We're on the right track.
Wigs? Ladies' wigs? No, um No, not-- not our thing.
Well, sometimes there are manifestations - of that horrible threat - Yeah.
To a man, because let's face it, you know, you don't have a lot to offer our world if you're not going to provide an income.
I feel like a real bias, ganging-up-on-me type thing - going on here.
- No, it's just we are professional and successful and can relate on that level.
You know, I feel like I'm being extremely sympathetic, jas--umJustin, because, you know, if I were in your shoes, and I couldn't have children, so I couldn't really further the species, and I wasn't good at gathering or nurturing, and I wasn't providing a, um, you know, an income, then I would definitely feel at a loss.
In this world, so it's just to say that I completely understand if bryn is passionate about her work.
What is your work anyway, bryn? Are you in the financial world, or? She--she's a porn star.
Okay, do you see how he minimizes me? I'm actually-- I'm an adult film actor, and I do theater.
Adult theater on the weekends.
She's a porn star.
Actor.
I've got Richard Simmons for sure.
So let's have-- let's have a little, uh A little something to eat and a little chat.
Boop.
Why on earth would you hoard the money right now when you could help everyone right now while you're alive, especially your children? I mean, I don't mind it when kip hits me up, but when you or your sister-- I mean, kip is the absolute soul of integrity.
In fact, I was with him just last week and-- Last week, were you? I gave him 100-- Dollars? As he's sweet-talking a certain client of his, trying to get some kind of repeal of that gay marriage thing.
Listen, by the way, I need to say, thank you so much for your recommendation to the Lachman brothers.
Listen, I just wanted to share my good news with you.
Oh, yeah? Jeremy and Robert Lachman are showing real interest in supporting my endeavor.
I think about you all the time.
Um I love you.
I think I love you.
What's up with Richard Pratt? He seems so happy.
Hello, Claire.
I'm Fiona Wallace.
It's nice to meet you.
Um, I have to say, I think that this, um, meeting is actually serendipitous, because as it turns out, you are in product launches - for, um, Clark and wescott.
- Mm-hmm.
You know, which is a very reputable company.
And I'm beginning, um, this new treatment modality for the Internet.
I'm gonna stop you right there, okay, Fiona? I am an executive at Clark and wescott.
I'm gonna get to the who, what, where, why, and when, and I do specialize in new product launches.
I was ordered by my company to undergo therapy because this is what happened.
I slammed this paperweight on the hand of a subordinate, and turns out, she's now missing the tip of that finger.
It's that finger right there.
Oh, not the little one.
No, no, it's kind of a useless finger, this one.
We don't use this for anything.
It's one of five, but it doesn't really have any function.
So, anyway, as you know, I am in business, and so are you.
I looked you up online.
I don't have hours to waste on this kind of stupidity, and I assume that you feel the same way.
And you know what else? You're gonna have to pick up your tempo of speaking, because I'm losing interest.
Well, your people skills are astounding.
I don't know how much time you spent on my website-- Not--not much time at all, so please Well, I do have a background in business, 'cause I was in the financial world - For the bulk of my career.
- Very good.
Till I started doing therapy and realized that a 50-minute session could actually be much more effective in a three-minute session on the Internet, as so many of you are busy.
I couldn't agree with you more, Fiona.
And you don't have the time to go into someone's office and whine and blather for 50 minutes.
You know, I would love to hear more about your theories, because we got nothing but time here, but why don't you just tell me-- let's knock this out.
Tell me what I need to do in order to, uh, have therapy with you.
Let's just-- let's get to it, okay? Well, um, I think what I need to do is submit forms to your h&r department, - saying that we have had therapy.
- Terrific.
So it's gone pretty well so far, don't you think? Gonna write a pretty good report for me, I'll bet.
It's just basic introductions.
I don't know that I'd be able to say anything yet.
- Okay.
- But one thing - does strike me about you.
- Mm-hmm.
And that is that you seem the perfect person Yeah.
For this new treatment modality Serendipitous, the modality.
Of three-minute sessions.
So you just say words, and you hope at the end of the sentence, they make sense.
That's how you work, huh? I got your number, kiddo.
All right.
And I think I'm starting to put your number together as well.
So now I'm paying you to listen.
Can I tell you a story? What can we do? What can we do to fill these three minutes? You may tell me a story in your own interesting way.
We'll see if that'll pass some time.
My father used to beat me morning, noon, and night.
Now, that's a lie, and you're not a very good therapist, because you couldn't tell that that was a lie.
How about this one? Let me tell you another story.
My mother used to strip naked and slip into bed with me in the middle of night.
Now, that's the truth.
Did you know that? What's the matter with you? What kind of a therapist are you? I'm picking up control issues that you're having.
Oh, okay, well, there you go, but that's why I run an office, you know, and I have eight accounts and I manage 30 people, because I have control issues, and they tend to work toward my advantage.
Well, I might be bringing you a new account, it seems, so if you--if it seems interesting to you.
- What's that? - I think that you would really enjoy working on this new account as well.
What new account is that? The therapy? The web therapy thing? Oh, you're interested in it? 'Cause it is fascinating.
So if you have some time, I think that Actually, you know what, I don't have any time.
Uh, I have eight accounts here at, uh, Clark and Wescott.
I have 30 people I'm managing, and I also have a whiny domestic partner.
- Oh, so you're gay.
- No, I'm not gay.
I'm manly, but I'm not gay.
And I don't want to marry him, because I can't take on one more thing.
I just don't have the time, okay? I am swamped.
I have not taken a deep breath since 1988.
I've got responsibility up to here.
I don't have time to-- I don't have time to have a snack.
I haven't even had a leisurely dump in the last ten years.
I'm wearing a colostomy bag right now, and my office smells like the inside of a Of a nursing home.
Well, hopefully, that's an exaggeration.
But maybe what you need to do is to lighten your load a bit, so that maybe you perhaps have time to defecate.
The normal way.
You would have to rip those accounts out of my dead, cold hands.
Okay? Well, our ti-- it's been five minutes.
Oh, it has? Oh, good.
So we've actually exceeded.
So how about next week at the same time? Absolutely.
I'll punch you in.
And then just a little, um, suggestions about how to deal with your employee, who, I think, wants to file charges.
Yes, she's suing me, as a matter of fact, yeah.
Sometimes it's as easy as showing some attention to an employee.
So if you would maybe pay her some attention.
Woo her.
Go to her house to see if she is okay if she's not at the office.
And if she is, send her emails every hour or half-hour to say that you're checking up on her and you'd like to know how she's doing.
Drive by her house, send her flowers, and shower her with attention.
Yeah? That seems like it would just tick her off.
That doesn't sound like a very good idea.
Well, that's what my instincts are telling me you should do if you want to soften her a little bit.
Okay.
All right.
Well, I'm open to that.
I'll give it a try.
So I'm besieging her is what you're saying with emails and such and voicemails, maybe flowers and that sort of thing.
And if I do this, you'll sign off on the session, right? Say I'm making progress.
Oh, well, you would be.
Yes, of course, I would.
All right, that's it.
We're done.
Over and out.
Thank you.
Yes, well, again, thank you so much, Jeremy, for the check.
I did get it.
Yeah, you are-- indeed, you are a man of your word.
Yeah, and also I wanted to say that it's funny, I saw that, uh, Russell's signature was on my check.
Is he now the cfo? Yes, I've always liked Russell too.
Uh-huh.
And thank you for sending me a copy of Ted's report.
That was very exciting.
How thrilling to get such a glowing report from him.
I know.
Oh, I have some exciting news too.
I'm about to work with one of the top people at Clark and Wescott.
Yes, yes.
No.
No.
Yes, I know her, and her schedule's about to clear up, okay? I've--I think I'm managing that, all right? I'm navigating those waters and making it work out For all of us.
Yes.
What? All right, what? What's your question? What? Yes, I am grateful that you sent me the check.
Yes, it's not unreasonable.
Um, it's a It's a pink satin top.
It's open, yes, to my navel.
So I had my assistant send her, uh, some flowers.
I sent a bunch of emails, and, uh, I sent her-- I still forget what her name is, but, um, I, you know, had a singing telegram saying, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm oh so sorry didn't mean it, didn't mean-- Anyway, it goes on and on, but I wrote it.
And when I passed her in the hall, she went [Gasps.]
, so I don't know if that's a good thing or not.
She seems a little freaked out, I gotta tell you the truth.
I'm not sure, uh I'm not sure how she's, uh You know, she's got a bodyguard.
She's got these two big black guys--bald black guys - that follow her everywhere.
- Truly? I'm assuming that they're bodyguards, I don't know.
Did you get a memo on it? Did the company supply her with the bodyguards? Not that I know of, no.
Maybe they're just her friends.
Sorry, Claire.
Can I talk to you for a second? Hold on, just a second.
Will you hold that thought? Hey, Dan, what's going on? - They're pulling your accounts.
- What? It came from the top.
Board of directors decided to put you on probation.
- Probation? I-- - No, I'm sorry.
- No, Dan! - It's not my choice, Claire.
- The board of dir-- - Claire, it's not my choice.
Dan! Dan, get back here! Hey! Dangnabbit! Dangnabbit! Aah! Oh! Look what you did! Look what you did! I lost every account! Every account! Did you just throw licorice at me? Aah! Aah! All right, well, this isn't going to help.
Well, it makes me feel a hell of a lot better, I'll tell you that much! - Dangnabbit! - Well-- Oh, I should have listened to my own instincts.
Well, I gave perfectly good advice.
Um, the execution of it is not my responsibility.
I can't speak to that.
Don't light matches and throw them, Claire.
Claire? Well, why don't we just calm down and take this bucket of lemons and make lemonade out of it? Oh, how we gonna do that, huh? Well, you had some accounts, uh Unburdened? Are you unburdened now with some accounts, - it sounds like? - Yeah, you betcha! I got nothin' goin' on.
I have nothing to do! I have to show up every day, but I've got nothing to do! Well, I think I could propose something that could be very fulfilling for you.
Oh, go ahead.
You've got a great track record, but go ahead.
Well, in the way of humanitarian causes, of course, I don't know of anything that helps more people than therapy.
And, um, I don't know if you remember or not, but I am starting to launch this new modality of three-minute sessions on the web.
No.
No, no, right, I know all about that, and you need help launching it.
So that's what this is about, right? Now you're available.
Right, I'm available now, because you gave me the most ridiculous advice in the world.
And I was stupid enough to take it, so now you have me free and clear to launch your silly little, ridiculous web therapy Internet service.
Oh! Well, you've got another thing coming.
'Cause I'm gonna find out where you are.
Where are you? What is that, a newspaper? What does that say? What town are you in? There's no newspaper.
There's one right there.
What does that say? I will find you.
I'm gonna put a trace on you right now.
- Well, I'm-- - Don't you dare sign off.
No, no, no, don't you sign off! I will find you! I will find you! I will hunt you down! - Hello? - Hi! Surprised to see me? Yes, I am.
Yeah, well, I used my handle from my old C.
B.
days.
Yeah, different screen name.
Yes, I saw.
I didn't know who "honky-tonk gal" was.
Me.
Well, listen, you should know that--that, um, we are fine.
All right, I am not-- if, um, Clark and wescott wants to contact me, I will let them know that we are just not a good fit.
- Mm-hmm.
- So I won't be filing any negative reports, so you don't need to hunt me down, oror Or track you down.
Or track me down or pursue any relationship with me at all.
No, no, no, no.
Well, we will be working together.
Yeah.
- Hmm.
Since our last session, I copyrighted the phrase "web therapy," bought up all the domain names, the dot-coms, uh, dot-net, dot-org, dot-edus.
It's big.
It's gonna be big.
We got celebrity endorsements.
I got a book deal goin' on.
We're gonna have a link on The New York Times health page.
It's just-- it's gonna be phenomenal.
I will sue you.
My husband happens to be a very prominent attorney here in Philadel-- here.
And I will sue you.
What are you gonna sue me for, Fiona, huh? You gonna sue me for having a great idea? Huh? You gonna sue me for making your dreams come true? You gonna sue me for getting you on The Today Show? Do you know Matt Lauer? Huh? He's a good friend of mine.
Look, we're gonna make this work for both of us.
How about a 70-30 split, because you'll be doing most of the grunt work? Course, this is, uh, contingent on your filing that report with H.
R.
declaring me psychologically and emotionally fit.
That way, I'll get, all of my accounts back, and, uh, we'll be in business.
Deal? No.
Thank you.
I'll pass.
I think instead what I'm going to do is I'm going to submit to H.
R.
my recorded sessions with you.
You taped me? I didn't sign a release.
Oh, I always tape my sessions.
In particular, I think they'll be interested in the one where you were ranting like a lunatic and throwing papers and staplers and licorice and lit matches around.
That should get you fired.
In which case, no one will return any of your calls and you will be of no use to me, so it seems all your leverage has evaporated.
I'd say 90-10 seems fair, don't you? Wow.
Wow! You are good.
You are ve--deal.
It's a deal.
Well, eight years in the world of finance.
Well, I googled you.
It was mid-management, so that's no great shakes, - but you're good.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
You are a worthy opponent.
Well, thank you very much.
I have lunch scheduled right after this, but I'm wondering, do you want to hang on for a bit, and you can tell me about some of the celebrities that you've booked.
Oh, absolutely.
Ray Romano.
First guy I'd like to talk about--Ray Romano.
- Love to have lunch with you.
- He's wonderful.
He is.
Very funny guy.
Oh, he's wonderful.
I got Richard Simmons.
How you like that? I don't know who that is.
He's the guru guy.
The physical guy who dances with all the old ladies.
- He wears short shorts.
- Deepak Chopra? No, no, no, he's like-- - He would be wonderful.
- He would.
Deepak Chopra.
Sweetie, I really can't talk right now.
I'm not calling to chit-chat.
Just say good night.
I assume you're working late, and thank you so much for the contracts - you did for Claire Dudek.
- No problem.
I am so thrilled.
She signed away everything.
I can fire her at will.
What an idiot she is.
Well, you married a good lawyer.
- That too.
- Yeah.
Of course.
And also, if you happen to speak with my mother, then you could possibly mention how business is booming.
Yeah.
Yeah, I gotta call her anyway about something else, and, uh Which I can't really talk about now, as she's a client.
But I'll try to remember to tell her, you're-- you know, you're hot right now.
Oh, good, all right, yes.
Don't tell me what you'll be talking about, okay.
Honey, it's--it's-- you know, it's all-- it's all gonna benefit all of us.
Yes, no, I understand.
That's why I was winking, you see.
Oh, I can't see on the computer, honey.
- I can't see.
- Oh, how odd, because it's a visual medium.
But anyway, um Is that it? Oh, all right, well, I guess you're busy and you have to go.
I'm sorry, I gotta go.
All right.
Good-bye.
Good night, sweetie.
Yes, I'm-- you can't--why can't-- call you? Why? Hello, Richard? Yes, I can-- you told me to call you.
Why don't you just log on? You can just hit the video icon and then-- it's-- it's not working at all? You don't have Internet? Oh.
All right.
Well, all right, it's just as well, I guess.
I was sort of going to give you some kind of visual treat, but maybe that wouldn't help things anyway.
Um, I needed to talk to you about terminating treatment and any contact between us at all.
All righ-- well, because--I'll No, no, no, let's not blame me.
No, no, I didn't ever say that I was going to show up at Giacomo's.
You just assumed that I would.
And, which leads me to the next big issue, which is you've been speaking about our connection way too much.
It's become way too public, Richard.
Gina talks about it endlessly.
What do you, just have symposium during the breaks? All right, no, I hear that you're crying.
Yes, I can hear it.
All right, listen, Richard, I don't think this is helping anyone, so I'm just going to hang up.
Well, I think there are hotlines for that.
Babe Doc's on the computer.
Hello.
Hi, I'm Doctor Wallace.
Hi, I'm Bryn.
I'm Justin.
Oh, good, all right.
Yes, I just had your screen names.
It was "skeever" and "munch" or something, so I wasn't sure who that was.
- Bryn, yeah.
- Justin.
All right.
Well, what brings you two to this session? Uh, she brought me to this session.
I had no plan to do this.
I just think airing your dirty laundry out over the Internet to a stranger is a little odd and bizarre, but, you know.
You're dancing around it.
We're here because he is jealous.
I'm not.
I'm not jealous.
He's jealous of my career and how successful I am and how driven I am, and I work a lot.
She thinks I'm a jealous person because of her work and her work friends and everything with work.
I'm not jealous.
I just, you know I just don't understand how, you know, you need to take work home and, you know, go to work on weekends, and I just think it's absurd, but, you know, I'm not jealous.
I just-- - well, lady MacBeth, for someone who's complaining so much And, uh, you're going on and on about how you're not jealous, but there's big heap of hostility coming through.
I'm not threatened by her work at all.
In fact, I think it consumes her to the point where it makes it really difficult for us, and I--I just-- I think it's ridiculous.
- Well, it's time-consuming.
- I think this is ridiculous.
It takes research and time and And are you successful? I'm extremely successful, and my co-workers see it.
They know how good I am.
We work together, you know.
We're like a well-oiled machine, and we just get things done, and that's a great feeling when you're, you know, doing something that's important.
And may I ask how much, bryn, do you contribute to the household? That would-- that would be about 100%.
Oh.
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
It's not 100%.
It's anything but 100%.
All right, Justin, then that's unfair.
Go ahead and explain.
What do you do? It is unfair.
Uh, I write.
I'm writing.
Yeah, journaling doesn't count.
Jour--you know, I do write in a journal, and I have, you know, a diary that I like to write in every day, but I'm a screenwriter, and I have a beat sheet and great logline.
I'm just waiting for that inciting incident to happen, and, you know, it's close.
You know, it's been a year.
I'm almost there, so I'm excited.
Just waiting.
So you haven't earned any income from your screenwriting yet.
No.
All right.
Well, you know, this is not uncommon, all right, in a span-- this has been going on for centuries.
No, actually, only since the '70s, um, when women actually started earning a living and the men find it extremely threatening.
And, well, I truly understand this situation, because, um, my husband and I, kip, started off very much the same way.
He was in law school, and I was in the financial world, and I was the one supporting our household, and it was extremely threatening to him, you know.
Now, of course, Justin, you might be interested to know, he's an extremely successful attorney, all right, and he does definitely, uh I'm very happy for him.
He definitely pulls his weight in the household, but during that time, um, he did manifest some of the strains, all right? So are you, Justin, finding that you need to wear bras or ladies' panties? Um, no, I never had that impulse, ever.
We've not-- not gotten there yet.
- Yet, yes.
- Uh, ever are we getting there.
We're on the right track.
Wigs? Ladies' wigs? No, um No, not-- not our thing.
Well, sometimes there are manifestations - of that horrible threat - Yeah.
To a man, because let's face it, you know, you don't have a lot to offer our world if you're not going to provide an income.
I feel like a real bias, ganging-up-on-me type thing - going on here.
- No, it's just we are professional and successful and can relate on that level.
You know, I feel like I'm being extremely sympathetic, jas--umJustin, because, you know, if I were in your shoes, and I couldn't have children, so I couldn't really further the species, and I wasn't good at gathering or nurturing, and I wasn't providing a, um, you know, an income, then I would definitely feel at a loss.
In this world, so it's just to say that I completely understand if bryn is passionate about her work.
What is your work anyway, bryn? Are you in the financial world, or? She--she's a porn star.
Okay, do you see how he minimizes me? I'm actually-- I'm an adult film actor, and I do theater.
Adult theater on the weekends.
She's a porn star.
Actor.
I've got Richard Simmons for sure.
So let's have-- let's have a little, uh A little something to eat and a little chat.
Boop.