Welcome to Flatch (2022) s01e04 Episode Script

1 - (BIRDS CHIRPING) - - SHRUB: Anyone coming? - KELLY: You're good.
JUNE: Hi, Shrub.
Nice day we're havin'.
Yeah, June.
Sure is.
- [BLEEP.]
, dude! - How was that my fault? She blew right past me.
SHRUB: I've been doing outdoor art for as long as I can remember.
It's just, like, something I do to pass the time.
Part of that thug life.
You are so not thug.
Look, he uses the little markers that kids use in the bathtub.
See? No, dude! I worked hard on that! I draw myself as different types of things.
Um, this is me as a barbarian warrior.
That's me as a space marine.
Pew! That's me as a horse.
That's me riding me as a horse.
Oh, don't-don't-don't worry about that one.
Is that you and Beth riding a dragon? I said don't worry about it.
How can you ride a dragon with her when you don't even have the balls to ask her out? I'm workin' on it.
Don't wanna look desperate.
No, you definitely don't want to look desperate.
(CHURCH BELL RINGING) - JOE: Hey! - (SHRUB GASPS) JOE: What's goin' on here? Sorry, that one was on me.
Uh, I saw him coming.
I just totally spaced out.
Shrub, are you responsible for this? Me? How could you say such a thing? Because it looks like a drawing of you riding a dragon.
Thank you! And I literally caught you red-handed.
I'm too beautiful for prison! JOE: Look, I believe in you, Shrub, okay? The others, they may see you as a juvenile delinquent.
What others? Name names.
And if you say Len, it doesn't count because he's had a thing against me since I was five.
- JOE: That's not - June? Blind Billy? - Look - SHRUB: What? The point is, we have to redirect your artistic energies into something more worthwhile.
- (HUFFS) - Oh, I got it! How 'bout the art class at the community center? Oh, my God.
How 'bout I stick tacks in my eye? JOE: Come on, it'll be perfect.
I mean, you clearly love drawing.
You know, this could be a great opportunity for you to explore your craft.
I'd be even happy to foot the bill.
Yeah, and art class is not really my scene, Binghoffer.
I'm not gonna paint daisies with a bunch of old fogies.
No, thank you.
Well, let me put it to you in a different way.
You either go to this class, or I'm gonna be forced to call the authorities.
SHRUB: (SIGHS) Fine, yeah.
I'll take the stupid art class.
But I'm not gonna like it.
And I'm not gonna learn anything.
And I will not grow in any way.
That's the spirit! Mm.
What's with all those rose petals and candles? It's just nothing.
Are you making a porno? - (LAUGHS) Not a porno.
I'm just - Are you? No, I'm doing some spring cleaning.
Okay? You just go enjoy your class.
Okay, you have fun.
Bye.
- Okay! - Bye.
I met a woman on Tinder.
Yeah, her name's Laura.
She's very sweet.
Um, she lives a hundred miles away.
So we're gonna do our first date on Zoom.
So I'm just trying to make the office a little bit less church-y and a little bit more sexy.
Yeah, uh, Cheryl and I, we had a bit of a moment the other night.
But, uh, it was a mistake.
I'm sure Cheryl feels the exact same way.
(EXCITEDLY) We almost kissed the other night when Joe brought me hummus.
Ugh! It's so confusing.
I don't know what it means.
But, I don't know, I'm excited to see how it plays out.
A little anxious, but mainly excited.
I got you your favorite: the Meat Assault.
Sausage really complements the sausage.
I'm glad we could work out a deal.
One pizza for you coming to class with me.
I'd be bored AF if I had to go to art class alone.
I already know what I'm gonna draw: a big butt.
Yeah, I'm actually pretty sure that they tell you what to draw.
- It's so dumb.
- Doesn't matter.
I'm gonna draw a big butt no matter what.
(ENERGETIC RING TONE PLAYS FROM CELL PHONE) It's my dad.
Kelly's phone.
Kelly speaking.
Are you kidding? I would love to hang out today.
No, no, no.
My art class.
- No, sorry, it's just Shrub.
- No! Yeah, it's fine.
I'm free as a bird today.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Kay, sounds good.
See you soon.
I'm sorry, what were you saying? Are you kidding me? We had a pizza deal.
- That's sacred.
- My dad needs me, okay? I have to stop at his girlfriend's place to pick up a few of his things.
Like, we'll draw butts another time.
No.
No more pizza for you! Don't! Kelly! Give that back! Kelly! - Ugh.
- (SCREEN DOOR CLATTERS SHUT) So nimble.
I feel sorry for Kelly.
Because Uncle Bobby comes in and out of her life whenever he wants, and she will fall for it every single time.
Like, I am so lucky I don't have that problem.
Because my mom left me here with my nan when I was a baby, and I never even met my dad.
So I don't have anyone to let me down.
Plus, my nan makes the best chocolate chip cookies.
Yeah, my aunt so Shrub's mom She left Flatch years ago to go find herself.
I heard she's in Borneo rescuing baby monkeys.
So unclear if she found herself or just went totally nuts.
This is Coco.
And this right here is Banana-rama.
I mean, it's-it's seriously like I have brothers and sisters, only they're monkeys.
(JESSIE GRUNTS) Hey, whoa, whoa! What's goin' on here? Your dad sent me a picture of his [BLEEP.]
.
Ew.
Also, so what? Then, he sent a text saying, "Sorry, wrong number.
" So what's goin' on is, your dad is a cheating son of a bitch.
Could you throw down his toothbrush? But in a way that I for sure can catch it? - (JESSIE GRUNTS) - Thanks.
JUNE: Shrub? I didn't know you were in this class.
Yeah, I'm not.
Let it be known I'm here against my own free will.
You are gonna love the teacher.
She's brilliant! And she's been to Spain twice! Oh.
Okay, Lenny-wise.
Yeah, that's a lot of booze there.
It helps me create.
Oh, what's up, Cheryl? Didn't think you'd be here.
Oh, well actually I'm here every week.
Oh, this art class is the only activity that I have found that really helps me de-stress after a long day at the paper.
I mean, I've tried everything.
(CHUCKLES) I tried meditation, but couldn't stop lookin' at the Twitter.
I joined a running club for a bit.
Eat my dust, suckers! I like that art is just for me, you know? I also happen to be better than every person in the class.
But that does not matter.
(LAUGHS) It's just the truth.
Yeah, well, Father Joe forced me to come here so I could "unlock my potential," or whatever.
So dumb.
It's so like Joe to want to make a difference.
(CHUCKLES) You know, he once, uh, rescued a baby possum and nursed it back to health and then kept it as a pet.
Mm, yeah, except I'm not a baby possum.
I'm an adult man.
I just mean metaphorically, you're a baby possum.
You're a baby possum.
TEACHER: Attention, class.
Or as they say in Spain, atención.
We're gonna continue our series on figure drawing.
Let's welcome back our model, Shelly.
(APPLAUSE) Now get your charcoal ready.
- And begin.
- (SHRUB) What? BOBBY: Jessie's just making stuff up again.
I never sent any sexts.
I'll tell you what probably happened.
Some bozo at the bar must have taken my phone by accident and-and used it.
Right, but Jessie said they were pics of your, you know, uh, D.
Well, sure.
I mean, obviously, this mystery fellow preferred to use a picture of my you-know-what, rather than his you-know-what, because I happen to be particularly blessed in that department.
It is a heavy burden, both figuratively and literally.
Man, the nerve of some people! I'm tellin' you, Kel.
Everyone's against me.
Jessie, your mom, my various enemies that shall not be named.
I'm all alone.
You've got me, Dad.
I'll always be here for you.
All alone.
Ladies and gentlemen, our flight to Bangkok will be 12 hours, 30 minutes.
We expect clear skies with minor turbulence over the Atlantic.
I'll now hand it over to my co-pilot, Kelly, for the safety briefing.
(CLEARS THROAT) Greetings, ladies and gentlemen.
And thank you for flying Mallet Air, exclusive airline for the 2022 cage wrestling championships.
So my dad really throws himself into making the plane simulator feel real.
He even found those little booze bottles that they give you on the plane.
Also, he pees in a gallon Sprite bottle to make sure we don't miss any flight time.
Mr.
Mallet, your your line work is muy avanzado.
Uh, does that mean good? - Oh, yes.
- Oh.
You have deftly captured the curve of the breast.
And rotate.
Oh, come on.
(STOOL AND EASEL SCRAPING) Oh, uh, no.
Uh, Shrub, if you don't If you don't mind moving over just a little bit.
I'm trying to maintain some creative space here.
Yeah, I'm still deftly capturing her breasts.
Do I feel like I'm betraying Beth? Yes and no.
Um, yes because I love Beth.
And I would never do anything to get in the way of that, like, in a million years.
But on the other hand, I'm an artist.
Look, this class is kind of a sanctuary for me, and I'm a little anxious right now, so lots of things Man! How incredible is Shelly? I always thought Beth was the one for me, but there's just something about Shelly that I just can't quite put my finger on.
Like, she's just so so Naked? That has nothing to do with it.
I didn't even know she was naked.
Why? Is she naked? Hmm.
Shrub, look at me.
Is this your first time seein' a naked lady? (SCOFFS) Please.
I've seen plenty of naked women.
I have to go.
(STOOL SCRAPING) KELLY: Shrub has 100% never seen a naked woman in real life.
The closest he's ever come was touching Abby Taylor's bra, and he still brags about it to this day.
He calls it Bra Day.
It's actually a pretty fun holiday.
It even has its own anthem.
I've been touchin' all those boobies all night long ♪ - Bra Day ♪ - (SHRUB BEATBOXING) Bra Day ♪ I love the flow.
It's nice, yeah.
Oh, lovely, June.
I-I feel so much complexity.
Yeah.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, whoops! You have any comments for me? (CHUCKLES) It you really sketched.
(CHUCKLES) Oop.
That's, uh, just a statement of fact, said with enthusiasm.
Specifics? Well, your-your work feels tight.
Um, a little like a bebe swaddled into suffocation.
Take a look at Mr.
Mallet's work.
His lines are free and flowing.
(LAUGHS) Oh, grace-ee-as.
Well, I don't need lessons from Shrub.
(CHUCKLES) I was an art history minor.
And you're not from Spain! Excuse me.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, gosh.
No! Who drank the wine? Workin' on a Christmas tree farm is a thinking man's game.
That's what people don't understand.
They think you can lift 200 pounds of Noble Fir with your arms? Nope! You do it with your mind.
Ah.
Wait, but then you use your arms too.
Nope, just your mind.
I punched a guy, square in the chest, right? Doesn't say a word.
Pays his tab, puts on his coat, goes home.
Two days later? Dead.
Here's what the casinos don't want you to know.
You can count dice.
- Whoa! - Yeah.
Throw them straight down, it's always a 7.
Throw them to the side, it's an 8 or 11.
Never a 6.
Write that down.
That's some serious intel, girl.
KELLY: My dad's a friggin' legend.
Seriously, I keep telling him he should write a memoir about all the amazing stuff he's done.
It'd be a best seller.
But that's the thing, he's also incredibly humble.
(SHRUB CLEARS HIS THREAT) Hi.
Hey, do you play Fortnite? I feel like you'd be really good.
Seriously? I wanted you to explore your artistic talents, not ogle a naked woman.
I wasn't ogling her.
I was looking at her, which, PS, was the point of the class, so that's on you.
I'm disappointed in you, Shrub.
I expected more from you.
Yeah, well, maybe you shouldn't expect more from me.
Maybe I am just a delinquent and you should just give up on me like everybody else.
No, that's not what I'm saying.
Now if you'll excuse me, I don't want to ogle you on my way out.
Ow! [BLEEP.]
.
BOBBY: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Bangkok, where the local time is 2:00 P.
M.
Please remain seated until we turn off the seat belt sign, and thank you for flying Mallet Air.
Oof! Good flying with you, kiddo! You too, Dad.
Better get on the cleaning turnover, Kel.
It's a quick turnaround.
(GROANS) LAURA: Hello? Can you hear me now? JOE: Yeah, now it works.
- Good.
- (LAUGHS) It's going really well.
Yeah, Laura's smart and funny.
Um, or at least I think she is.
The town doesn't get very good Internet, so I'm missing every other word.
I said last time (INAUDIBLE) while I (INAUDIBLE) all.
(LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) Yeah, totally.
(KNOCKING) Knock, knock! Cheryl.
What are you doing here? Who's Cheryl? I was just on my way back from art class, and, uh, it very well may be the case that I find that class so relaxing less because of the art and more because of the free wine.
- (BOTH CHUCKLE) - Yeah.
I snagged the leftovers of this chesse plate.
It's only, um, the neon orange ones.
But, um, if you close your eyes - Oh.
- They taste white.
Mm.
(CHUCKLES) Oh! Why all the candles? LAURA: Hey, Joe? Where'd you go? Who is that? I-I think it's one of those pop-up ads.
They target you a lot these days.
A lot of these yeah, all the time.
Ooh.
Hello.
LAURA: Um, hi.
Oh, gosh.
Is this is this a date? JOE: Um, kind of? Oh, my gosh! - Cheryl, I am so sorry! - Oh, gosh.
I gotta go.
LAURA: Who is Cheryl? Oh, hey, um, yeah.
I'm Cheryl.
Nice to meet you.
You guys have a great night, whatever your name is.
But, uh, little tip, don't let Joe adopt a possum, or you're gonna be finding dried possum turds in your house for years.
Years.
Okay, have a good night.
(DOOR CREAKS SHUT) Yeah this date is over.
(APP BLIPS) Hey, loser.
So how's it been hanging out with your dad? Oh, it's been goin' incredible, actually.
We've been connecting on all these new levels.
Like, it-it's really good.
I'm super happy for you.
How was art class? Well, apparently, I have talent.
Mm-hmm? And I saw a naked lady, which was pretty cool.
- Are you serious? - Yes.
- That's your first! - I know! - Nice! - Crazy.
Dude, Naked Lady Day is gonna be so much cooler than Bra Day.
Naked Lady Day ♪ - Naked Lady Day ♪ - Lady Day ♪ BOTH: Naked Lady Day, Naked Lady Day ♪ Hey, Shrub.
What's up? What's up, Uncle Bobby? What's that? What ya got there? It's just some drawings from my figure drawing class.
- Figure drawing? - Yeah.
Let's have a look.
Come on.
Okay.
Yeah, well, prepare to have your mind blown.
BOBBY: I'll be the judge of that.
Ah.
Very nice.
Subtle use of shading on the buttocks.
I know.
Keen attention to those nipples, that's good.
- Soy artista.
- Mm.
Tha-that means "I'm really good" in Spanish.
That makes sense.
You're a Mallet man.
- You got the Mallet mojo in ya, huh? - SHRUB: Yeah.
We got cojones, passion, real talent.
Even you, Shrub.
Hey, wait, I know this broad.
- This is, uh, Shelly Russell.
- SHRUB: Yes! BOBBY: Yeah, I would know those boobs anywhere.
SHRUB: Oh, it's sweet you know that.
(CELL PHONE RINGS) Go for Bobby.
(SNIFFING) Oh, my God.
Do you smell that? What? Oh, that's my Mallet mojo, baby! Well, Jessie wants me to come home.
They always do.
SHRUB: That is the Mallet mojo.
- BOBBY: Damn straight.
- SHRUB: Yeah.
Wait.
What about our return flight? Oh, uh, yeah, you're gonna have to do it without me.
I can't fly without you.
You're the captain.
Well, congrats, Kel.
You are the captain now.
W-why do you want to go back to Jessie? Didn't you just say she's against you? Kel, there's some things you're just too young to understand.
Like what? I'm savin' it for my book.
(CLICKS TONGUE) That makes sense.
(ENGINE STARTS) Good flying with you, Dad! You're it.
- (CHUCKLES) - SHRUB: You're it! Come on! Ho, ho! Ho, ho! JOE: Hey.
Joe! What are you doing here? I just came to apologize for the other night.
Oh, you really don't have to.
No, I-I shouldn't have just shown up like that.
- Still, I'm sorry.
- No.
Really, it's fine.
Hey, I don't know if you have any lunch plans, but, uh, maybe you and I could just Hey.
What did the Central European country say at the NATO banquet? I'm Hungary.
Let's eat.
- (LAUGHING) - Oh, no, that one's funny! Yeah.
Oh, hey there.
Hey there, Jimmy Jameson, editor, Pockton Gazette.
Joe.
Man, you are really rockin' that collar, Joe.
- (CHUCKLES) - Thanks.
- You ready? - Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
- Okay, let's go.
- All right.
See you, Joe.
- Bye, Cheryl.
- See you, Joe-Joe.
See you.
KELLY: Ladies and gentlemen, we are about halfway through our flight.
At this point, we're gonna turn off the main cabin lights.
We hope you get some good rest, and we'll be in Cincinnati when you wake up.
They put spaghetti in their chili there, so get ready to have your mind blown.
Yup, and we also have extra pillows and blankets, if anybody needs those.
I personally like two pillows under my arms because my pits get cold.
I think it's good my mom left me in Flatch.
That way I can be there for Kelly.
Same way I'm there for Banana-rama, my orangutan sister.
[BLEEP.]
.
What day is it? No! It was Banana-rama's birthday on Tuesday.
Oh.
Forgot to send a card.
So what now? We literally just, like, sit here and watch the plane fly over the Atlantic? Pretty much.
- What's this button do? - Don't touch that! (WHOOSHING PLAYS) Great.
You just crashed the plane.
Why would it have a button that does that? (SIGHS) (CLEARS THROAT) Beth.
What are you up to? Takin' out the trash.
Ah, that is correct.
- Yeah.
- (CLEARS THROAT) Would you like to go out on a date? - Right now? - Oh, um, no.
Like, uh, this weekend maybe? Okay.
Okay.
(LIQUID SPLATTERS) The trash is leaking.
Sorry about that.
Thank you.
That's really nice.
I just asked Beth out.
Oh, God! Uncle Bobby was right.
When you have that Mallet mojo, you just gotta use it.
Oh, God! What a rush.
I'm-I'm actually feeling really light-headed right now.
So I think I'm just gonna I think I'm just gonna lay here for a sec.