Welcome to Sweden (2014) s01e04 Episode Script

- Hej.
- Hi.
Uh, I would like one of those delicious bread cream thingies.
You mean a semla? Sure, if that's what they're called, then, yes.
32 crowns please.
I love these things.
These things are so delicious, it's like a donut exploded, you know, in my mouth.
What? Looks like you're out of money.
That's not possible.
Try it again.
Do you have another card or? It's not the card.
That bank has, like, more money than all of Sweden.
It's Wells Fargo, so You must be swiping it wrong or something.
Look, I swipe 100 cards every day.
How many cards do you swipe? I don't swipe.
You know what, just put it on my tab.
No, we don't do that, sorry.
I'm here every day.
Sorry, I don't recognize you.
I've come here every day for, like, the past two weeks.
Well, we get a lot of tourists, so I'm not a tourist.
I live here! I'm, like, practically Swedish.
You have to pay cash then.
I'll pay for it.
I'll come back tomorrow and pay for it.
Okay? Can you believe this girl? Unbelievable.
How could she not recognize me? You shouldn't blame her.
Your face, it's, I mean It's so What's wrong with my face? Nothing is wrong with it, it's just, you know, very normal.
- Normal face? - Yeah.
- That's supposed to make me feel better? - That's a good thing.
How could that possibly be a good thing? Because it's like a perfectly normal face.
There's, like, nothing there that bothers me at all.
And I love you.
I love your normal face.
Oh, we have to pay the rent today.
Yeah, about that, somehow I'm out of money too.
- What? - Yeah.
- What about your savings? - I don't know.
It's gone.
Apparently it's super expensive not to work.
Luckily you have a girlfriend that can support you.
Yeah, you know, about that, I don't want to be a guy just waiting at home all day like some sort of normal-face housewife.
That's impossible.
That can never happen.
- Why? - Because you're not a woman.
I'm serious about this! I don't want to be at home - while you're - I know, Babe.
And I promise you, it will never happen.
- Okay? Love you.
- Okay.
Love you too.
Oh, babe, can you have dinner ready when I'm coming home? - Yeah, no problem.
- Thanks.
Oh, and can you iron my shirts as well? - Sure, you got it.
- Okay, cool.
Bye.
Love you, so much.
It's weird to be supported by your girlfriend, you know.
I know.
It's difficult.
A man who cannot support his family have only the half zib.
Half the what? Zib, zib, penis, penis.
Yeah, I ge I know what you're saying.
I get it.
How'd you get this job? Arbetsformedlingen.
Arbets what? The place, they have all the jobs.
If you have no job, you can go there.
They just hand out jobs? Ahh-h-h, not really.
It is difficult to get one.
Okay, it's probably not difficult for a guy like me that went to N.
Y.
U.
Hey, you mean New York University? No, no, no, I I mean Enne-vayou.
It's a small college outside of Montreal.
- Ah.
- Very good French.
It doesn't matter.
My cousin, you know, has been here for four years, and the only job they offer him as a toilet cleaner.
Toilet cleaner? Ooh, that's rough.
You know, you shouldn't just take any job.
You know? You should follow your heart.
- Yeah.
- What did your cousin do in Iraq? He was toilet cleaner.
Hej, hej.
- Ah.
- Hi, Bruce Evans.
Yes, yeah.
Okay, uhh, do you have a resume? I do.
Right here.
Wow! I see now that you have very good qualifications! - Thank you, yeah.
- Accountant, impressive.
I think that we can help you.
Sweden needs accountants.
Yeah, you know what, about that.
I don't want to be an accountant anymore.
And that's why I moved here, to get away from all that.
Nothing to do with money, at all.
That's why I came here.
Fresh start, you know, start over, new life, all that good stuff.
So, I hear that this is a place where you guys "give out jobs".
So, boom, give me one.
Most of the jobs that would be in question require a driver's license.
Oh, that's no problem, I have one of those.
Right here.
Yes, but a Swedish driver's license.
Oh.
Hello.
I got to convert this into a Swedish license.
- Yes, of course.
- Great.
Yeah, but you have to take the test.
What test? Well, all foreigners have to take the test.
Haven't you heard about Nollvisionen? - No, sorry.
- The Zero Vision.
Like Eurovision? No, that's a song contest.
This is about traffic.
It's serious.
You know, the Swedish government have decided that there should be zero traffic-related deaths in this country.
I'm sorry, it's just sounds a little naive.
Anyway, we recommend you to take some lessons to learn about the Swedish traffic rules and get used to all the traffic here around.
Okay, that also sounds a little naive because I've been driving since I was 16 years old in New York and L.
A.
, so I think I'm ready.
Okay, I'm happy you're still alive.
Anyway, the lessons are 750 crowns each, and then we have the course literature, the fees let's say approximately 10,000 crowns in total.
10,000 crowns? Does it come with a happy ending? Yes, if you pass the test.
Apparently it's a three-month waiting time.
It's ridiculous.
For everyone or just people with normal faces? Ha, ha.
Very funny.
No, but it couldn't have always been like this in Sweden, right? I mean, it's not like the Vikings had to fill out a bunch of forms and wait in line before they started pillaging.
I'll have a gin and tonic.
- Uh, four or six? - Uh I'll start with just one but I like this guy's style.
I think he's talking about centiliters.
Oh, just fill it up.
Okay.
I think you should do whatever makes you happy, you know.
- Gene Simmons.
- Who? Gene Simmons from Kiss, he's a client of mine.
Gene Simmons? Yes, I am.
And whom might this beautiful lady be? I'm Emma.
Mmm, how lovely to meet you, Emma.
Nice to meet you too, Gene.
You can call me Gene Simmons.
Okay Gene Simmons.
- Here's you drink, sir.
- Sh-shh.
Not now.
Bruce, is that you? Yeah, I was just just looking for my - plant, actually.
- Yeah.
I've been looking for you.
How'd you know I'd be here? When Gene Simmons wants to find someone, Gene Simmons finds someone.
You know the IRS has been after my ass.
- Listen, Gene - Gene Simmons.
Sorry, listen, Gene Simmons, Dan should be able to help you with this.
- He's back at the office.
- Mm-hmm.
Dan is not my accountant.
Bruce, you are.
No, I'm not.
I quit.
I've told you that several times already.
You don't quit on Gene Simmons, okay? Nobody quits on Gene Simmons.
This is your mess, you're going to clean it up, okay? Okay, I'll I'll fix it.
And Emma, I'd like to show you my backstage area sometime.
Mm-hmm.
You watch it.
Bye, Gene Simmons.
Why did he say "my backstage area"? Wh No, I think he was talking about his Yeah, I know what he was saying.
- Okay.
- Gene Simmons Honey, I'm home! - Hey! - Hey! - How was your day? Yeah? - Good.
Mm-mm.
How are you? I'm great, I made you some dinner.
Making some hot dog stew.
It's my mother's famous recipe.
Mmm, looks delicious but unfortunately I can't stay home for dinner.
What? Where you going? I'm going to the Kiss concert.
Gene Simmons got me a backstage pass.
Seriously? Uh, no.
I'm going out with Lisa, I told you so.
I was on the phone for, like, an hour with the IRS - trying to figure that out.
- Yeah? The whole reason why I moved to this country was to get away from all those celebrities, but they just keep following me around.
It's Okay, I got to go, so I'll see you later.
You're leaving now? Well, I'm going to be pretty late, so don't wait up.
- Bye! - What should I Should I wrap this stuff up, or? Press down the clutch, then change gear.
- I'm trying.
- Press down the clutch, press the clutch.
It's not easy, Hassan.
This is stupid.
Stick shifts are stupid.
I mean, do you get up off the couch to change channel or do you use the remote control? - Calm down.
Calm down.
- I'm trying.
Press the clutch, then now.
- Clutch - You will learn, - Yeah.
you will learn.
- Okay, we got it.
Thank you, by the way, I appreciate you letting me practice driving with you.
See that sign? It says Farthinder! What is that, like to stop farts? You don't get it, but in English, fart means I know, I know.
Well, it's funny.
No, it's not funny.
This is funny: Aram ask Omid what time is it.
Omid say, "2:45".
Aram hit Omid.
Omid say, "Why you hit me?" Aram say, "I-I want to know "what time is it.
But you have different answer each time.
" Okay.
- The funny thing is - No, I get it, the clock shows different times during the day.
No, the funny thing is, Aram and Omid are from Afghanistan.
- What you doing? - What? It's red! It's red! I thought you could take a right on red.
That's enough.
Go out, go out, go out quick.
- We blocking the traffic.
- I'm sorry.
I will drive now.
Fine! You are a very, very, very bad driver.
You're a very, very, very bad comedian.
No.
Yes.
Hmm.
Bruce, I'm sure there must be jobs where where you don't have to have a driver's license.
Yeah, of course.
I guess it's a question how much you want it.
Isn't it? Bruce, in Sweden, a man can have a traditional woman's role and still be a real man.
- That's what they say, anyway.
- Yeah.
Let's talk about Gustaf instead.
He's 28, still lives at home, no license, no job.
I have a job.
I'm going to work from home.
- With what? - Emma, a lot of people work from home.
It's very common.
Yeah, a lot of people work from home.
It's very common.
Okay, I have nothing against people working from home.
But you have to have a job to able to work from home otherwise you're just at home, you know? Oh, like Bruce, you mean? Like Bruce, you mean? How's that driver's license coming? You know what, about that, that's not going to work.
I need a job today, so You don't speak any Swedish No.
You have no driver's license Nope.
And you don't want to work with what you're qualified for.
- Yeah, that's a correct assessment of the situation.
- Hmm.
But I need a job, like, now, so Ah, maybe there is a chance, thanks to your good English.
Okay, I think I speak a little bit better than just "good" English.
I mean, even for an American, I have, like, an unusually high vocabulary level of English.
I do the "New York Times" crossword every Sunday and Saturday, which is, like, really difficult.
I know it means nothing to you, but it is a big deal in America, so Are you done? Yes, I'm just saying.
Thanks to your good English there might be an opening for you in the tourism industry.
Okay, great.
I'll take it.
You have to go to an interview, like everyone else.
Call this number.
Okay, thanks.
Hi, I'm Bruce.
Hm Sixten.
That's funny.
"Sixten".
Why is that funny? Oh, it's like six and ten, it's numbers.
I-I don't know, it's I'm here for that guide job.
Oh, good.
Let's see, here, read this.
Okay.
- "If you look to your left you'll" - Perfect! You have the job.
Just like that? We need you and your good English on board.
Okay, I think I have a little bit better than just "good" English, but Wait, "on board"? On board what? Boat of course.
Oh, no, I don't think that's going to work.
I I get really seasick.
Oh, don't worry.
We only drive around inside the city.
But if you get sick, - just stare right out into the horizon.
- Okay.
Well, you can't see it because we're in the city, but an imaginary horizon.
And if you get very sick, we have some pills on board.
Okay why do you guys have seasick pills if nobody gets seasick? You have the good humor of a sailor.
Ahoy, let's take to the sea.
How is it going? It's going terrible.
These pills, they're not working at all.
Just read from the papers, we're at checkpoint three now.
Checkpoint three.
Okay.
We If you look to your right, my right, there's a There's an old castle or something, I don't know.
It's - No, you're on the wrong page.
- Okay.
Checkpoint three, Vasamuseet.
Vasamuseet.
Hey, where are we? Not now.
Hey, no offence here, pal, but I paid good money, I paid good money for a boat trip that's going to tell me about Stockholm.
Old palace Listen, I knew more about Sweden before I got on the boat.
You're going to give me my money back, that's for sure.
Yeah, well thank you, you're not helping it, at all.
This is I'm trying.
This is working out, this is Okay Okay.
Where is the horizon? Well, maybe this was a mistake.
You think? I'm sorry, but you're fired.
Thank you so much.
What can I do for you today, Mr.
Evans? You win.
I think it's time that maybe we started looking at Hm? Jobs in accounting.
Now you make me really happy, Mr.
Evans.
I thought you'd like that.
Let's see what we can find in the computer.
Yep, go ahead.
Ahh, bra, bra, bra, bra.
Good, good, good, good.
Hello, Bruce.
- Hey.
Hassan! - Hey.
What are you doing here? Ah, someone in the company saw us driving, so I was fired.
Oh, man, that's terrible.
Ah, it's okay.
It was a bad job anyway.
No, still, it was my fault, and I feel terrible about it.
Don't worry.
I thought about what you said, that you should follow you heart.
Don't take a job you didn't like.
No, no! Don't you put any ideas in his head.
Please, leave us.
Life is too short.
Don't waste it.
Thank you, Bruce.
Bye.
No, I-I think he's right.
- No - This is a bad idea.
I'm sorry.
I'm I'm sorry.
No, it's I'm Hassan.
Ring.
Hej.
Hi, it's me.
The guy from the other day.
I was here and I tried to pay but my card didn't work.
Did we give you a tab? Because we usually don't do that.
No, no, you said I ate the semla, I made a huge scene, and then I walked out without paying.
You don't remember any of this? No, I don't recognize you.
We have a lot of tourists, so I'm not a tourist, okay? N Now I'm angry.
Now this this is my angry face, okay? Check this out, maybe you'll remember this the next time I come in here, okay? Take your money.
You know what, this is going to be the last time I come here, all right? I'm never coming back.
And I'm going to fika somewhere else, okay? You know what, could I just get one last semla?