Wellmania (2023) s01e04 Episode Script

1
[phone ringing]
[Liv] Hey, Valerie.
You pitched an exclusive,
and then delivered this shit?
What's the deal?
Where's my Gabriel Wolf interview?
Why did he ditch meat?
Look, I just don't think
he was ever gonna tell me that
- Whoa!
- You should've pushed him harder.
- I'm not publishing this.
- [instructor] Focus, please.
I went out on a limb for you,
and you're screwing me.
So right now, I can't sell you
as a judge for this show.
No, you can. You absolut
- [line disconnects]
- Damn it! Argh!
Sorry. Namaste.
Your negative energy
is penetrating everyone's auras.
Now, eagle.
[serene music playing]
- [thud]
- [Liv] Oh, ah.
You can call me the good-time girl ♪
[Liv] I'm officially fucked.
Why didn't I go back to Gabriel's
and just chug some tequila
and pry the story out of him
like I usually do?
- Little thing called a green card.
- Oh, my God, you and your logic.
[mock crying] I need help!
Look, it's not over till it's over.
Okay? You just need to remind Valerie
how awesome you are.
How am I supposed to do that
when I'm on the other side of the world?
Maybe you've just gotta think
outside the box to impress her.
What?
I have no issue there, trust me.
The Standard's
already got a slot on her press junket.
"Internationally-renowned
sex and self-empowerment guru."
Oprah follows her.
She's doing a seminar on her latest book,
plus a few private sessions
at the Be Well Center.
Camille Lav
La Lavigne La
Lavig
Lavigne. Yeah, she's French
and frustratingly elusive.
Never does profiles.
Ah, breaking news,
another elusive wellness guru.
There's rumors
she was in a cult in the French Alps,
but no one knows her background.
She just appeared
on the radar a few years ago.
So if I get a scoop on her personal life,
it will definitely be an exclusive.
Might even go viral.
- Or make enough noise to impress Valerie.
- Exactly.
So go in, pitch your take to Helen.
Helen hasn't given it to anyone else?
Well, lucky for you,
some idiot gave our lifestyle writer
coke at the AJAs.
He's back in rehab.
- You want in?
- [sniffs]
Yeah, that's unfortunate.
Don't listen to no one but me ♪
'Cause I got a trick or two
Right up my sleeve ♪
You're gonna see
All the trouble we'll get into ♪
Believe in this magic I put on you ♪
[Liv] Hi.
Is Doug still jerking off without you?
- Jesus, Liv, workplace.
- Take that as a yes.
Have you talked to him?
[Amy sighs]
Take that as a no.
Thank you.
If you're wanking and he's wanking,
there's obviously an itch.
I find sticking a finger
up an arse usually helps.
There you go.
- [scoffs] Okay.
- [softly] Thank you.
- You got this, Healy.
- Yeah.
[exhales]
An in-depth profile
is what everyone wants,
but Camille
is a sophisticated, worldly woman.
She won't open up to just anyone.
- It needs to be someone on her level.
- Aren't you a food writer?
Well, yeah, I'm diversifying.
I have an office full of journalists
who actually work for me.
- Why do I need you?
- Let's look at your options.
Your lifestyle writer's in rehab,
your investigative journo
is way too intense,
and everyone else is too uptight
to lean into details of oral stimulation.
I love the taboo. I live for it.
I get Camille, and I get you,
and I know you are desperate
to get a whiff of how this woman ticks.
How do you propose
to get such a personal insight
from a 15-minute Q and A?
Same way I got Natalie Portman
to compete
in a vegan hot-dog-eating contest.
By forcing her?
Convincing her it's her idea.
You play them?
I give them what they want.
And I can get you
the real Camille Lavinyen.
Three, six, nine
Damn you fine ♪
Hoping she can sock it to me
One more time ♪
Get low, get low, get low
Get low, get low ♪
Get low, get low
To the window ♪
Ooh! Okay.
Hi. That was like a thing that we have,
but you're also here, okay.
"Brutal honesty,
both in sex and in life, is essential."
"Without it, fear will determine
your path, not desire."
I mean, this woman is on point.
So her advice is to communicate.
- That's groundbreaking.
- [sighs]
Hey, a food processor.
- Or
- Stick blender? The red one.
I think it's a little more nuanced
than that, Dally.
She talks about leaning
into the uncomfortable, taking risks.
Maybe removing
said stick blender from one's arse.
Remind me again why you're here.
Mum's retirement gift.
Your wedding
isn't the only thing on the agenda.
- Today, it was.
- Hey, what about linen for Mum?
Why? 'Cause she's got no reason
to get out of bed anymore?
- I mean, it's fancy, isn't it?
- Yeah, but she thinks frothy milk's fancy.
- Just get her a Nespresso.
- That is not a bad idea.
- Should we get coffee cups to go with it?
- Yeah.
Can we just focus
on our list for one second?
Do we wanna get stemless or stems?
Ooh. Uh
Maybe stemless? More modern.
Although white wine gets warmer quicker.
- But we mostly drink red.
- Oh, my God, stab me in the eye.
[Dalbert] We're getting stemless.
Maybe you guys
could add this to your registry.
Get some tips on how to be
a more generous lover perhaps?
We don't have a problem with our sex life.
Yeah, or anything else for that matter.
It's the straights that need gurus.
[mouths] That's a vagina.
Oh. Hey, excuse me. Do you, um
Do you have any of those latte glasses?
- The double-walled ones?
- None left. You can order them in.
Should we do it, guys?
Or is that too much?
[sighs] I don't care.
- Just get them.
- Yeah?
- Sure.
- Okay, cool.
Oh, my Dal, it's still here.
Remember?
Just like those ones from the B&B
we stayed at for our bone-aversary? Look.
Honey, it looks like the tiny hands
are jerking off the candles.
Graphic. I know it's weird,
but that's what I kind of love about it.
Hmm, no. Look, trust me, I've got
a very specific design aesthetic going on.
Yeah. Right.
Love you.
- [woman] Good morning.
- [Liv] Hi. Thank you.
- So I've got it all planned out.
- Okay.
Lucky last interview slot for the day.
Yeah? You invite them out for a drink.
Get them all boozy, compliments, whatever,
and then, bam, spill their guts.
Hmm. Manipulative and clever.
If it worked for Ms. Portman,
it will work for Little Miss Uncrackable.
[Amy] I'm here
to support you like 10%. Okay?
90% of me desperately needs pointers.
All right, calm down, Nancy Screw.
You got crazy eyes.
I need actionable solutions, okay?
So shoot me.
Ah! Goodie bags!
- Yeah.
- [chuckles excitedly]
Oh.
A crystal for your vag?
Pizza cutter?
No. [chuckles] It's for your skin, babe.
- Oh.
- I know what these bad boys are for.
Ah, yeah.
- Oh, that's an ambitious right angle.
- Not if you breathe deep.
[audience applauding, cheering]
[upbeat music playing]
[Amy mouths] Wow.
[Camille, in French accent]
Listen to your own voice.
Reshape la langue around sex.
We must challenge our urge to conform.
Challenge that fear.
We must allow our sexuality
to inform our every decision,
our every mood,
our every encounter.
I want her to breastfeed me.
- [Camille] How do we do this?
- Oh!
Sexually. Don't be gross.
[Camille] Embrace your truth.
You must expose yourself sans fard.
That vulnerability is the key
to unlock your awakening.
Take the leap.
Bare your desires.
[woman cheers]
[Camille] Bare your fears.
Bare yourself.
[up-tempo music playing]
[audience cheering]
[Liv] I'm getting definite cult vibes.
Yeah, I would probably join.
I mean, that naked thing
was pretty bold, I'll give her that.
Hey, I've gotta go, uh,
but you've got this, okay?
She's charming, you're charming.
It'll be disgustingly fun.
Thank you. I know. I love you. Bye.
- That's it for today. Thanks.
- Again, I just need a sound bite.
- She's not in there.
- This is bull.
We appreciate you coming.
- Thanks.
- Hi. Sorry. Liv Healy with The Standard.
- I'm Camille's last one
- Yeah, Camille's done for the day.
- All slots are canceled.
- I just need my 15 minutes
Don't we all?
Excuse me? Can you
Oh, my God.
- What She can't just bail like that.
- Camille pulls this shit all the time.
Probably wanking.
Sorry, that's wildly inappropriate.
- [woman] Screw her. I'm going to the bar.
- Yeah, me too. You coming?
Uh, no, I'm good.
[suspenseful music playing]
What? This is totally my level.
Excuse me?
- Someone's taken a shit in the stairwell.
- [sighs]
I know. It wasn't me. Just saying.
Yeah.
[suspenseful music continues]
[sighs]
[tapping on door]
[Camille] It is open.
Eve, the third lighting cue
was late again.
I have told you,
if we are having to use these local crews,
they must be briefed properly.
Also, I need the Bucharest dates.
[Camille screams]
Oh! Sorry, I knocked your vibrator.
Who are you?
Um, Liv Healy.
I'm a journalist at The Standard.
And you have a reason
you have broken into my room?
Technically, you invited me in.
And I know this is weird.
I'm not a crazy person.
I can actually help you though.
I completely respect
that you are a private person,
but you could reach so many more people
if they knew who the real
The real Camille is.
If they understood
what it is that makes you tick.
Where you came from, how you became
the you that we all look up to.
And I can give that to you.
I can bare you to the world.
Anyway, who says
we can't have a little fun while doing it?
This usually works for you?
This, uh, how you say,
being full of la merde.
- Bullshitting people.
- Uh, well
You can try to hoodwink me
with your sycophantry and alcohol,
but until you can bare yourself,
you can bare no others.
[vibrator chimes] I'm ready.
It is time for you to leave.
Uh
- Vite.
- Okay.
Okay.
I just think if we had ten
Okay, thank you.
Mate, I've tried three different
detergents. Nothing's worked.
I'm telling you, you gotta pre-soak.
- Unless, of course, you want dull whites.
- [phone chimes]
- [man] Fine.
- Yeah.
Hey, hot or cold water, mate?
Oh. Uh
I've got to, uh
Hey, hot Hot or cold?
What the
Hello, lover.
What are you doing?
What?
Did you wax?
Because you're very nude right now.
[Amy] I'm baring myself
because I desire you, Doug.
[seductively] Hear my voice
when I say, "I want you."
Huh? Why are you speaking like that?
I Just shut up, and let's make love.
[Doug grunts]
[Doug groans]
What What's wrong?
[sighs] Nothing.
Okay, well
Just, um, had a double mocha
iced coffee before,
and you know what coffee does to my guts.
Well, to to everyone's guts.
By all means, keep using the word "guts."
Yeah, sorry. I
I'm all for this. I just I've only got
ten minutes left on my break anyway.
Here.
[whispers] Sorry, sweetheart.
[Gaz] As long as people have fun
and it's magical.
[Dalbert] Our friends will dance
whether it's a band or a DJ.
Do you think these shoes would look best
with my cropped pants or my olive dress?
I don't Dal, what'd you think?
Is your cousin's girlfriend's name
Kirsten or Kristen?
- Kirsten.
- Kristen.
- I'll find out.
- Thank you.
Oh, and pants, definitely pants.
Your ankles are gonna look amazing.
[Liv] Hey, kids, I'm back.
- Oh, hi.
- Hi.
Shouldn't you be out
getting some sex guru drunk?
- Didn't quite go as planned.
- Oh, Livvie. What happened?
Nothing. She canceled.
So I snuck into her room,
which she really didn't like.
She may or may not
have accused me of being full of shit.
Oh, she is insightful.
Oh, my God, fuck off.
What's all this?
Wedding favors. And yes, you can help.
The sugared almonds
are going in the organza bags,
and the stevia-sweetened pumpkin seeds,
- they're gonna go in the, um
- [phone chimes]
[Dalbert] Oh, no.
Just tell Bianga she can't bring
her chihuahua as a plus one.
It's not that. It's the choreographer.
He's gotta cancel our dance rehearsal.
Oh.
Okay, no, maybe if I swap this around,
we can do, um, 3:00.
- But don't I have physio at 2:30?
- Oh, babe, you've gotta cancel.
If we don't do this dance rehearsal,
your foxtrot is going to be a slothtrot.
- Um, okay, yeah, I'll let the physio know.
- [Dalbert] Thanks.
- So Dalbert has a tendency to dismiss you.
- What?
- That thing before with the choreographer.
- Oh, it's fine.
Well, he also vetoed
that candelabra that you wanted.
Well, he had a point.
It does look like a bunch of hand jobs.
Tell me, Gazareth, do you have a desire
to bare your voice to your betrothed?
[shushing]
Jesus. You read one self-help book
Well, it just doesn't feel like
Dalbert listens to you.
Okay, you barely know him
or anything about our relationship.
All the others were different, remember?
Nick,
Scotty, Sebastian.
- They just weren't as pushy.
- Oh.
Yeah, sure. Sebastian only cheated on me
with a whole bunch of random dudes.
Look, I know Seb fucked up,
but you were different with them.
You were more you.
I'm just saying.
Do you really wanna funk it up?
Do you really wanna funk it up? ♪
Funk it up now ♪
Do you really wanna ♪
[Camille over headphones]
What is it that brings true fulfillment?
We crave to be seen, to be heard,
and yet we do everything in our power to
Ah!
Fuck it.
- Really?
- What? I'm doing my squats.
That Camille woman
was right about one thing.
You are full of shit.
[Liv] Hi.
I hate orange wine!
[Camille] Obviously painted by a man.
Too symmetrical.
[Liv] Um, you were right.
I wasn't being sincere.
I knew both of these things.
Well, the truth is,
I need to write a profile on you
that is so fucking great, it goes viral,
and my editor in New York,
you know, can forgive me
for choosing my health over my job.
But don't ask about that.
That's a whole other shit show
that I'm trying to deal with,
and it's just still a bit raah!
And just really fucking hard.
[clears throat]
So there, I just bared my voice.
My desire.
So can you please help me
and let me write a profile on you?
No.
Why?
You spout all this crap
about baring yourself,
and then you refuse
to let anyone know anything about you.
My work isn't about me.
It's about the people I help.
Right, and you just expect
those people to trust you?
How do they know
you're not the one that's full of shit?
Okay.
Okay what?
We do my workshop,
my Bare Yourself Intensive.
Then we will see
who is truly full of the shit.
[fart sound]
That was the couch.
[Camille] Uh, well, feel free
to relax however you see fit.
Yeah, I disinfect it after every session.
I don't understand
why we both need to be naked.
Nudity makes us vulnerable.
It sheds us of the layers
we use to hide behind.
Now, close your eyes.
Listen to your voice.
- Oh, am I supposed to be talking?
- Your internal voice.
The inner voice
we have trained ourselves to ignore.
Right, okay.
- Yeah, I got nothing, lady.
- Breathe.
Breathe deep into your stomach.
Let your senses overwhelm you.
Now, listen.
What do you hear?
No. There's no voice.
But there is a sound?
[ocean waves crashing]
I guess. Um
Water, the beach.
So you crave the ocean?
What? Oh, no.
What is it, your desire, then?
- Uh
- [ocean waves crashing]
I don't know.
You do. Listen to that voice.
[overlapping muffled sounds]
I wanna run.
From the water?
- I just wanna run away from here.
- Why?
- Because it's scary.
- What is?
[tense music playing]
[whining] I don't know.
What are you afraid of?
- I don't know!
- Bullshit.
Listen to the voice.
[tearfully] Of fucking up.
Of being a fuckup.
Of letting people down.
Why?
- [exhales]
- Bare your fear. Own it.
Why are you afraid? What did you fuck up?
Who did you let down?
[music intensifies]
[gasping]
[music slows and softens]
[Liv breathing deeply]
Tea?
[exhales deeply]
Hey, uh, I'm picking up an order
for Gaz Healy. It's just some glasses.
- Yeah, I'll go look.
- Cool, thanks.
Oh, hey, babe. I made quinoa.
That candelabra
would have gone perfectly here.
We still on that?
Well, I never got off it.
I mean, come on, it'd be
a great centerpiece for this whole room.
That's where our wedding photo's gonna go.
Okay, so next to it.
Look, I'm gonna
make this place look so amazing.
And relationships are about compromise,
so can we drop the candelabra, please?
Make you up a plate?
How do you feel?
Embarrassed.
Weirded out.
Like a giant knob, basically.
Welcome to being human.
Are all your clients a bit blah afterward?
Oui, it's confronting.
But I always let them decide
how much they want to bare.
I'm simply a guide.
A guide to confusion.
Well, opening up to your inner voice
takes practice.
Even when you listen
and acknowledge your fears,
it takes time to understand them,
recognize how much
they are holding you back.
Just the first step.
I've been hearing a lot of that lately.
Well, do you feel your fear of fucking up
is holding you back?
- I don't know.
- No, not do you know.
Do you feel?
Uh, maybe.
Probably.
You run from things.
Hide parts of yourself, oui?
Uh, yeah, but
I think if I'm not this, like, you know,
fun-loving, life of the party,
then who am I? I'm
I'm scared that the real me
will disappoint people.
[in Australian accent]
I know how you feel.
I fear it too.
Yeah, but you're ju
Wait, what?
We're more similar than you think.
Holy shit!
- My name's Karen.
- [whispers] Oh, my God.
I tried publishing a book
on sex psychology under my real name,
but, uh, the sales were shocking.
No one wants to hear Outback Kazza
talk about self-improvement and sex,
even with a master's degree.
They wanna hear it
from some European woman.
So Karen became
[in French accent] Camille.
But you're all about baring yourself,
and you're the one that's
[in Australian accent] Hiding myself?
Yeah.
The irony, eh?
The thing is, I think that Camille
is my inner voice, my truth.
And she's way more confident
than Karen ever was.
People will find out.
I'm sure they will.
But [inhales deeply]
when that happens, I'll face that fear.
[in French accent]
But the longer I can keep Camille alive,
the more people I can help.
She's from Wagga Wagga?
Are you kidding me?
I don't know if I should use it though.
What are you talking about?
That's your story.
"Lauded Sexpert
Revealed to be Basic Bogan."
Oh, that's a bit harsh.
Uh, and well deserved.
She's peddling bullshit
under false pretenses.
You know she has a psychology degree?
Two in fact.
So all the ideas and research are hers.
Uh, okay, her entire philosophy
is about being honest, and she's lying.
Yeah, but does it matter
if it helps people?
She doesn't, okay?
I tried her whole
"bare your desires" bullshit.
I I turned up to Doug's work,
and I surprised him in his office,
wearing nothing.
It was a huge failure, okay?
Talk about embarrassing.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
Are you serious?
[Amy sighs]
But I think embarrassment is part of it.
It happened in my session as well.
- So
- No, don't even, okay?
I'm not taking any more advice.
You need to expose her.
"Expose" sounds violating.
Liv, this is your job, okay?
It's not about feelings
or tiptoeing around anyone.
It's about being truthful
to your audience.
Okay, you need
to go viral for Valerie, right?
- Yeah.
- This is your ticket home.
Lean into the juice.
[Liv groans]
Come on over, come on in ♪
Come on over ♪
Welcome back, we're here again ♪
Come on over ♪
Come on over, come on in ♪
All right, my car's up here.
Go, write.
I'll go home, pretend that whole thing
at Doug's work never happened.
What?
[Liv] That's Isaac.
Huh? Even hotter than you described.
See ya, babe.
Come on over ♪
Come on over, come on in ♪
[exhales]
Welcome back, we're here again ♪
Come on over ♪
- Isaac? Hello.
- Whoa!
Uh, Liv. Hi.
- Hi.
- Sorry, I'm just waiting on a wrap.
So feeling better?
Yeah, fine.
Um, I wanna bare myself to you.
- Okay?
- [man] Zack.
- Nope.
- Yeah. See
I like you, and I had heaps of fun
the other night, sober,
and that really scares me, because
- But, like, fuck you actually 'cause
- Excuse me?
- [man] Mack.
- Oh.
That came out way harsher than I intended.
It's just you got really weird
when I went out after our non-date,
and I don't know why that is.
- [man] Lilac.
- Lilac?
Are you fucking kidding me? Lilac?
Oh, hi. Sorry. Lovely name.
Gorgeous flower.
[sighs]
You're right.
I did, yeah.
In the spirit of honesty,
you scare the shit out of me too.
Really?
Okay.
I'm new to all this, at being clean.
I've no idea
what I'm supposed to be doing,
other than the complete opposite
of what I always do.
Which is what exactly?
Dive headfirst into temptation.
So, what then?
Gym buddies?
Yeah. Gym buddies.
[man] Isaac.
- That's you.
- Hmm?
- Your thing.
- Oh.
Yeah. Isaac.
Hello.
[soft music playing]
[recorder app chimes]
Camille Lavigne is
Camille Lavigne is a lot of things.
What do you wanna watch tonight?
Um
Uh, whatever you want.
Too, too, too easy ♪
I make it look too easy ♪
[phones chiming]
Too, too, too easy ♪
I make it look too easy ♪
Too, too, too, too easy ♪
[Helen] Mm, yes, agreed.
- Well, I'll speak with the writer
- [object clanking]
and I will send the details over. Great.
Thank you.
Okay.
I know it's not what I promised.
Uh, no, it's not.
It's ballsy, raw,
but judging by the page traffic,
a lot of our readers relate.
- And that's a good thing, right?
- Yes.
The readership is going up steadily,
shares are sizable,
and our New York masthead
just decided to run it
in its weekend edition.
Yeah! Yes.
Now you're up to speed, shoo.
I've got calls to make.
Thanks. Thank you.
- Liv?
- Yes.
We're all afraid of something,
but what matters
is what we do in the face of it.
[phone ringing]
Helen King, Standard.
Ah, yes, you read the Healy piece?
Yeah, she's a great writer.
- [Amy] Liv.
- Yes.
What the fuck?
- What?
- You didn't expose Camille.
- You exposed me.
- All right. That story's about
"Some people take Camille's advice
too literally, like my best friend
who turned up
to her husband's work buck naked."
"As hot as she is, even she couldn't
get mounted in a demountable."
That's funny.
So my reputation, my marriage,
they're a joke to you?
No, of course not. It's only a few lines.
I didn't even name you.
You don't think everyone knows it's me?
Look around, Liv.
Well, I just I wrote something
that people can connect with.
I did what you said.
I leaned into the juice.
Camille's juice, not mine.
Why are you protecting her?
You had a good story, and you chose
to screw me over and write this shit.
It's not shit, Amy.
I bared my soul for that.
Oh, my What?
You being scared that you're a fuck-up?
You are, Liv.
It's not news to anyone.
God, you really don't see how
your shit affects other people, do you?
We'll be better off
when you go back to New York.
[tense music playing]
[exhales]
[Liv] Sorry, excuse me.
This is an emergency.
I need to see Dr. Singh stat.
[woman] We've been through this.
You can't just show up
without an appointment.
- You need to sign off for my medical.
- I need you to not be here.
Look, I promise I'll keep up
all that wellness stuff back in New York,
but I have to go home now.
- Please just sign it.
- I'm not gonna do that.
Just sign it.
[loudly] Just sign
the fucking paper! Fuck!
- Whoa. Oh!
- [Dr. Singh gasps]
[Liv] Oh!
Oh, God.
- [Dr. Singh moaning]
- I'm so
[continues moaning]
I fucked up.
Fuck.
It's funny
How these people come around ♪
As the world
Seems to go round and round ♪
It never stops spinning ♪
And I won't stop winning ♪
This is only the beginning
This is only the beginning ♪
I'm young and accepted
Just marking my checklist ♪
Only concern is the check-in ♪
I keep 'em strung and rejected ♪
Keep 'em feeling neglected ♪
Won't reply to no message
But let 'em see that I read it ♪
It's funny
How these people come around ♪
As the world
Seems to go round and round ♪
It never stops spinning ♪
And I won't stop winning ♪
This is only the beginning ♪
It's funny
How these people come around ♪
As the world
Seems to go round and round ♪
It never stops spinning ♪
And I won't stop winning ♪
This is only the beginning
This is only the beginning ♪
This is only the beginning ♪