What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s01e04 Episode Script

1 Uh, the TA was asking about you in the chem section.
I said you were feeling a bit under the weather.
So I got you some, um O What Os-Oscillio Osclio Oc-Occlio.
Oak-Oaknium.
Oc-Occlioscosnium.
Osio Oscli uh, Occlioco Oscillococcinum, that's that's the correct pronunciation, there.
So take one of those.
Oh, my God.
Siri, call 911.
I'm not sure I got that.
Can you Siri She was fine last night.
And then, this morning, she asked me to go get her some NyQuil.
And I said, "NyQuil? Don't you mean DayQuil? Because then you're gonna fall asleep.
" She said, "I want to sleep all day.
" And then and then I ended up getting some oles-olescoleum.
- Clecleum? - Do you have a dorm advisor or someone who can What the fuck?! I thought you said she was dead! Her vitals were at zero, I checked them three times.
Oh, my I-I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry, um you should bill me because I'm still on my parents' insurance.
- Uh, ma'am, you were dead.
- I'm fine now, so I'm fine.
I still think you should come - to the hospital, ma'am.
- Oh, no, no.
I'm fine.
Ma'am, you are not fine.
Was I disappointed I wasn't turned into a vampire? Yes.
Heartbroken.
But I think it's because I need to learn patience.
And my master's been really good to me lately.
How is it looking, Guillermo? It looks like I'm flying, Master.
Woo-hoo.
Woo-hoo! I'm a vampire! You are not, though.
We have total dominion from here to here.
So that's two streets.
Our street and Ashley's street.
Yes.
I lied a bit.
Actually, it's from there to there.
So we have dominion over five houses? We need to reach out to some other vampires.
Consider joining dominions to secure our stranglehold over the region.
- Yes.
- Yes.
Simon the Devious is a vampire we have known for centuries.
Our coffins were all together on the ship that brought us over to America.
We used to hide down in the hole, then whisper jokes to each other.
Crawl around, tickle each other, have a lovely time.
And then we would climb up to the top deck and just breathe in the sea air and seduce and kill sailors.
We went to Staten Island, he went to Mana-hatta.
And he very quickly became the king of the Manhattan vampires.
And he was only 107, which You know, real boy wonder.
Very clever.
He's not that clever.
Okay, who's cleverer, then? Stavros the Clever.
He died tripping on his cape at a wooden stake sale at the garden center.
Simon's HQ is this fantastic nightclub called the Sassy Cat Club in Mana-hatta.
We used to go all the time in the '20s.
And we would do the Charleston and the Peabody, and we'd drink some very nice blood from some very nice goblets.
You have to wear a cape in there.
Yes.
Everyone is in a cape.
And if you don't wear a cape, you'll look like a Fuck Me Knee-trembler.
Laszlo! He's right, though.
If you don't, you'd look like a right little tart.
How's this for the city? Oh, yes.
You look like a beautiful piece of wallpaper.
It needs a cape.
Hmm? Really? Yeah.
The bigger the better.
Run.
We're going into the city tonight.
We're going to party and dance and form a power alliance with the Manhattan vampires so that we can crush the humans.
No offense.
I found it.
Thoughts? Looks like it's alive.
Good eye.
It's 100% witch skin.
Simon was always very jealous of this hat.
I can't wait to see his face when I walk in.
Please don't wear that hat.
- Too stylish? - No.
It's a big, bloody stupid hat with a big, bloody stupid curse on it.
And every time you wear it, something bloody stupid terrible happens.
- Nonsense.
Gizmo likes it, don't you? - It's Guillermo.
Laszlo's stupid hat.
It's got a bloody huge curse on it.
I have tried to throw it out many times, but it keeps crawling back.
Literally.
I acquired this hat while draining the blood of a Bavarian Hexenbrenner, or witch burner.
He must've noticed me eyeing it, 'cause in his dying breath, he said, "Take my hat, it's Cuh" "Yes, it is cool," I thought.
Free hat.
Even better.
Think of all the things that have happened.
The potato famine, that time that that horse knocked you over and trampled over you.
- No, it didn't.
- Then it started making love to you? I don't consider that a curse.
- It's growing human hair.
- Exactly.
My new familiar, he likes it.
Don't you, Dustin? - It's Justin.
- Yes, have a touch.
That was our new familiar.
Adieu.
It's that bloody cursed hat, Laszlo! It's got nothing to do with the hat.
It's the bookshelf.
Which I charged you to fix.
This hat is not cursed.
Oh, hey.
Uh, I-I overheard that you might be going to Manhattan.
I-I'd love to tag along.
Ooh.
Look at the skyline, Guillermo.
Yes, Master.
Steady, Guillermo.
It's a bit shaky.
I don't want water on my cape.
I'll have a soggy cape.
Why are we stuck in bloody traffic, Laszlo? - I don't know.
- Cursed hat.
That man on the sidewalk looks a bit sad.
Curse.
Why does this car smell bad? It's the curse.
Look, you can say that all night.
I'm gonna be wearing this hat.
I am a bit nervous about seeing Simon.
In the old days, it would not have been my style to make an alliance.
I would have slaughtered my neighbors in battle.
But then you wake up and you think, "I've got no neighbors.
" What if I want to borrow something? I'm ready to make a change.
My old boar.
Barry.
He's always smiling.
Ready to make a friend.
I'll do the talking.
I invite you in.
Oh, it's so dingy.
Everyone looks like Billy Idol.
It's a sexy Marmaduke.
This is lively.
We are the only ones wearing capes.
Shall we look for Simon the Devious? Let's mingle until the others get here.
Mingling mingling.
Mingling with you.
Hi.
I-I'm gonna go look for the bathroom.
Oh, Guillermo.
Be careful you don't get pfft.
Why don't you go and mingle? Oh, I don't think so.
Uh, my stomach's feeling a little iffy.
Gas.
So, I think I'll just stick with you tonight.
Okay.
- Laszlo, what is taking so long? - I say, cabbie.
I've got my cape caught in the door.
- Well, yank it out.
- What the hell do you think I've been doing? Fuck! You're fucking kidding.
You stay there.
I'll come to you.
- Oh, for fuck's sake! - Oh, that bloody hat.
Whoa! Fuck me.
Fu You haven't tried that? It's like, one, then two, then three.
And then you get where we are now.
But it's Yeah.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Colby.
Familiar of Xanthos the Cruel and Radenka the Brutal.
- Ah.
- This is the familiar room.
Yep.
Amalta, Mischa, Jameson.
- Sam.
- O-Oh, Sam is a Sam's a familiar.
Sam's a cat.
Guillermo, hi.
Nandor the Relentless, so, nice to meet you.
Wait, Nandor the Relentless of the Upper West Side? No, that's, uh, Nancy the Relentless.
People think W-We're Staten Island.
Cool.
So you know, we have our street and also Ashley's street.
You know, we've just, uh, been busy over in Staten Island.
- We're going to form an alliance.
- So tell me.
Are you currently adjoined to any other vampires? Uh, n-no.
No, I - Let's just go up to the roof and - Hey, hey.
Do either of you two know what this building used to be? This building used to be owned by Hescher-Schmitz Farrier.
A farrier deals with equine foot care.
Kind of a Nike for horses.
Yes, everyone knows that.
Listen, Colin.
Why must you come here and interrupt me - when I am talking to - Who are you talking to, Nandor? It What did? - Fuck has happened in here? - Oh, my This is a travesty.
What took you so long? His fucking stupid hat.
Why aren't they wearing capes? Looks like anyone can be a vampire in Mana-hatta.
Look at him.
Sod this, I'm gonna get a drink.
So how long have you been a familiar? You don't look very familiar.
Ah.
I see what you did there, but, uh, ten years.
- Ten years? A decade.
- Yeah.
It's considered being an expert to some people.
- All right.
Okay.
- Which way is the bathroom? I'm here for the bathroom.
- You're standing in it.
- Oh, is that what that is? Oh, the buckets.
They gave them to us when they thought we were going to unionize.
Do you not read the newsletter? There's a newsletter? - There is a newsletter.
- I can give you my e-mail.
Colby, it's time to leave.
- Oh, those are your - Yeah, I'm their I'm their familiar.
They're like, 400 years old but I have to play their parent, I'm their "Dad" - so no one gets suspicious.
- Now, Colby.
Y-You better go.
Let's go, kids.
Daddy's coming.
Let's go.
Oh.
Excuse me, Sam.
All right, Big Vlad, light me up.
Simon! Simon! This is insane.
Who would do this? - Simon! Simon! Simon! Simon! - Are you ready for this? Abbadon, watch.
Are you watching? Oh, boy, we are having fun tonight.
Don't look so scared.
Understandably, life is filled with mysteries.
And for our next mystery - Simon! - Nadja? Hey! Nadja! What a sight for sore eyes.
- I haven't seen you in ages.
- Simon.
Look at you.
Don't you look wonderful? Fucking bloodle service.
I wanted this five minutes ago.
I'm talking to Nadja now.
Please, please.
So, what are you up to? Well, I'm, uh, uh, living in on the Staten Island.
Uh-huh And things are going very, very, very good.
- Good? Good.
- Very good.
Yes.
Oh, I'm so happy to hear that, 'cause I worry about you.
Aw Come, come, come, come, come, come, come.
You know, I worry about you because I hear all these stories about all these vampires, and they slowly spiral out and then they get stuck in this real complacency.
Then, eventually, they just fade away.
- But not you.
- No way.
You're-you're in Staten Island.
- Well, yes.
- And Laszlo and Nandor? Have you spoken to them recently? Uh, well, actually, they're somewhere here.
No! - Yes.
- Impossible! Well, we should all have a drink.
I would love to catch up with those two rascals.
Ah, there you are.
Had my eye on you all night, little one.
- Oh, I-I, I'm just, uh - Yeah, whatever it is you're "just," you just found it right here.
Sweet release from life.
Uh, I like life.
And I'm just, uh Guillermo.
Oh.
Something I can help you with, friend? Uh, well, not really, but Oh, were you gonna - No, no, no.
No.
- 'Cause I was thinking - Okay.
Well, okay.
- Yeah? - I'd prefer it if you didn't.
- Why? He's kind of my familiar.
- How could I know? - No, I No, honest mistake.
Y-You don't have to apologize.
I will.
I must apologize, I'm so sorry.
I-I Fine, honestly, look, if you really had your heart set on it, don't let me stand in your way.
- Well, I'd love to - What? Not at all.
This is my discourtesy.
- And I feel bad.
- I mean, I'm okay with it if - I mean, you can if you like.
- No.
No.
No.
I do apologize.
- Cheers.
Okay? Rock and roll.
- Yes.
Wow! No, I wasn't going to let him eat you.
Guillermo! Simon The Devious will see you.
Okay.
Great.
Uh, - your hat is bleeding.
- I know.
You must kill someone in the Hamptons.
It's just Laszlo! Nandor? Aren't you a sight for sore eyes? Pleasure to see you again, Simon.
And look at you.
Nadja said you're doing well.
And now I see you in your capes, and I think "Well, you haven't lost your senses of humor.
" - You're married? - Yes.
Well, your behavior with me did not preclude you - to be married.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
I had forgotten because of her physical behavior with me.
Oh, when was the last time we were all together? The bicentennial, 1976.
Yes, you told that joke about that group of sailors.
Yes.
Uh, "It's like a virtual smorgasbord of seamen"? That's it.
But I haven't even introduced you to my crew, the Leather Skins.
Of course, that's Big Vlad behind you.
Abbadon, Empusa.
We've got the Freak sisters over there, they're two sisters and they are not related.
That's Little Vlad.
The guy's a fucking maniac.
We've got Mister 50s.
We've got S, and that's because her name is Sarah.
We've got Evil Steve.
Freakfest Tony.
Ah! There he is, Blavglad the Exsanguinator.
And, of course, The Silent One.
Hey.
We keep going over there, we've got Asian Mike.
And that's Chunt.
Jane the Soulless, Elgrad the Fifth, Horvok the Pit Master.
Gonthrapal and his brother Krylsac.
It's Wesley Sykes.
Desdemona the Shrieker.
Yes.
There's Len, my accountant.
And of course, Count Rapula.
300 years livin' in New York, son I didn't start rhyming till 1991.
Yes, he just started rapping in 1991.
Yes, well, um, this is our crew.
There's Nandor.
My good lady-wife Nadja, who you clearly know.
And my good self.
- We like to keep things slim.
- Hi, everyone.
I'm I'm-I'm also with them.
- Who is he? - No one.
I'm with them.
Now, we've all known each other long enough to know that this is not a mere social visit.
You are not wrong.
Um, you may have heard that, uh, we have the Baron visiting with us.
The Baron came to visit you in Staten Island? Yes.
We were thinking, as we have dominion - over Staten Island - Uh-huh.
And you, Simon, you control a lot of Manhattan, well - I do.
- Yes, uh, I mean, there's talk we could possibly join forces, take the lion's share of New York City.
Uh, which also includes our street and also Ashley Street.
So, I would bring Manhattan to the table, and you would bring Our street and - Ashley Street.
- SIMON and Ashley Street.
- Correct.
- Yes.
Well, that sounds very interesting.
Oh, ooh.
So I guess I would begin the negotiation by you giving me that hat.
Oh, I fucking knew this would happen.
- Absolutely not.
- Laszlo.
Simon, you don't want the hat.
It's not a good hat.
- No - Give him the hat.
No.
I watched you walk around that ship always wearing that hat and thinking, "This vampire doesn't deserve this hat.
I deserve that hat.
" Well, I'll tell you something, if you want this hat, you'll have to cut my head off.
- Laszlo.
- That's fine.
Big Vlad, right behind you, has a machete.
He could take it, or perhaps we could get The Silent One, or Little Vlad, he's a fucking maniac.
And if we could hit Mister 50s, maybe he could help, or the Exsanguinator himself.
Or, let's see, fucking everybody here.
All right, all right, you've made your point.
Get off me.
Take the fucking hat.
Ah, thank you.
Mm.
What is it that's sort of puckering and sucking at the back of my head? It's witch's asshole.
Oh, yes.
Well, now that I've got the hat, - I can say, um, get them out of here.
- What? - What? - You can get the fuck out! Get out of my club! - Oh - I summoned you here to get your hat, and now it is time for you to leave.
Hey, yo, it's time to go So hit the exit, my rhyme flow's so sick - It's on some next shit - Yeah! - Thank you.
- Humiliating.
Thank you.
Thank you.
By the way, we don't validate parking.
Not that you have a car, - because you are failuresof vampires - Lazlo, don't in your pathetic, lame capes.
This hat it makes me feel like Robin Hood.
Big Vlad, my bow.
- Touch the sky.
- Touch the sky.
He's a big silly dickhead.
I don't remember him being so devious.
I mean, he is called Simon The Devious.
- Shit! - Shit! Oh, shit! Fucking hell.
Darling? - Yes? - I think my hat's probably cursed.
Bat! Oh Guillermo.
Guillermo? You're still angry about that vampire who tried to eat you, aren't you? - Yes.
- Don't deny it.
I can tell.
- I said yes.
- See, I knew it.
Guillermo I'm sorry for how I treated you tonight.
I appreciate you.
I really do.
Well, you have a funny way of showing it sometimes.
Thank you.
But I'm going to make it up to you tonight.
This is amazing, Master.
Enjoy it, Guillermo.
You're really flying.
This is the best night of my life! Oh, that's quite sad, but also quite beautiful.
- I feel like a real vampire.
- Don't push it.
- What's that over there? - Where? The Empire State Building, I think.
Is that it right there? - What, over - Aah! Oops.
Shit.
Shh, Guillermo.
Don't trouble yourself.
He was fortunate.
A thicket of trees tangled him up, and then he landed on the roof of an abandoned food truck.
I want you to know that you are my friend.
- Hmm - Ugh, no, that didn't feel right.
You will forget I said anything.
Shall we? Hold your Horlicks That's my bloody hat.
Is that you in there, Simon? Well, I'm gonna take my hat back, you crispy piece of shit.
Eh.