What Would Diplo Do? (2017) s01e04 Episode Script
Ur Game Ain't Shit
1 [Intro to "Believer" by Major Lazer & Showtek plays.]
When the valley couldn't hold me, they throw me in the river Thinking I would drown, but, man, ah good swimmer Whoa, whoa-oh-oh Oh, oh, yeah When the river didn't drown me, they throw me in the fire But the fire just cooled, I could never burn Whoa Because I'm a believer I'm a believer I'm a believer, hey I'm a believer I'm a believer I'm a believer, whoa [Instrumental break.]
[All cheering.]
Hold up, pull up Whoom! Because I'm a I'm a Whoa Freetown is my family My family Whole Caribbean follow me Peaches, no! Ow! Oh! Aah! They can't manage me Afrika, no apology Karen! [Air horn blows.]
[Indistinct conversations.]
Ugh, where is he? Oh, thank God, you're alive.
Do you have any idea how late you are? Wherever you're at is exactly where you're meant to be.
Sorry, jet lag just, like, bit me in the ass today.
I set your alarm.
Somebody stole my phone.
Did you check your pants pocket? Of course.
Well, you have a stadium full of people out there, - so here you go.
- Is it sold out? Damn near.
Sweet! Guys, wait up! Jasper, we're already late! Oh [bleep.]
! My sandal! It's so great that you're loyal to your middle school best friend, but you can't leave Jasper alone with other humans.
- Wha - Dude, I can't believe you were going to throw these shorts away! They literally verify your dick! Also, security on this island has zero sense of humor, FYI.
All right.
We're on the move.
So for tonight, I managed to get the full light and laser rig set up, so you're going to have that, all three dancers.
Oh, are they going to have booty shorts on? Why, are we opening a Hooters? - Can we? - No.
Fog cannon, and we're going to use the house sound rig, but Kroner already gave it the thumbs up, so we're all good there.
Yeah, yeah, of course.
Did you get the confetti cannon? Fingers crossed we're going to get it for Art Basel in Miami.
No, Karen, I need it tonight.
We're in the middle of the Dominican Republic.
There aren't exactly resources down here.
Yeah, but I told you last week that I needed it.
Yeah, and I told you that there was a fire at the factory in China and a nationwide recall on them.
Did you see it on the news? There were a lot of people, not enough exits.
Yeah, but that's why we have the smoke and the lights.
And the end of "Believer," boom, smoke, fog, confetti comes down.
People go ape-shit.
Yeah, I get it.
Believe me, I've tried.
Karen, I need it.
Otherwise, I'm just a random white dude up there pressing buttons.
Okay.
I'm on it.
[Cheering in distance.]
- Oh, Karen.
- Yeah? Make sure you get, like, the super colorful one, too, not, like, just black and white.
Yo, short cut! [Indistinct.]
[Angrily speaking in Spanish.]
Oh, sorry, bro.
[Speaking Spanish.]
[Cheers and applause.]
That's what I was saying in the first place! Sorry for yelling, okay? Let's be friends, huh? Can we be friends? - No, no, no.
- Oh, sorry for touching you that way.
All right? Listen, you manage a baseball team.
I manage a deejay.
We're two peas in a pod.
Can we help each other? Huh? Capiche? [Speaking Spanish.]
Ah, da da da, I don't know what the [bleep.]
that means! - Dude! - Yo.
I've been dealing with this shit for 9 years.
Do you believe that shit? Here.
Sweet.
Yeah? Here.
What's this for? You want a list? I'm just throwing out the first pitch.
That was seven innings ago, okay? Want to be late? Take an act bat now.
- [Bats clatter.]
- [Bleep.]
[Crowd cheering.]
- Yo.
- ¿Qué? [Speaking Spanish.]
Oh.
[Speaking Spanish.]
Uno bat? [Speaking Spanish.]
No, he's he's crazy.
I don't know him.
[Speaking Spanish.]
- Go! - All right.
[Crowd cheering.]
Yo, Brian, what the [bleep.]
? You really going to come at me right now? You got to give me a heads up on this shit! But then you would have said no.
- Exactly.
- Exactly.
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
What? No, you can't [bleep.]
Mr.
Miyagi me.
Can't I? Wax on, wax off, bitch.
Next time, show up on time.
You're the worst manager in the history of music.
I love you.
Yo, give me Kroner.
[German accent.]
Jürgen speaking.
Yo, Kroner, help me out.
Oh, okay.
Um, according to the scouting report, this pitcher throws over 144 kilometers per hour, which is not especially fast.
In [bleep.]
English.
The metric system isn't a different language, Wes, it's under 90 miles per hour.
90? Don't break your press-play finger! Announcer: [Speaking Spanish.]
[Cheers and applause.]
Diplooooooooo! Yeah! That's my boy! Kroner: On the bright side, this addresses a gap in your demographic, which could be good in the future.
Diplo: Gap, what gap? Don't worry about it.
Kroner? While young women view you favorably, um, men over the age of 21, uh, feel that you are What? um, that you're not They think you're a pussy! [Laughs.]
That's some bullshit right there.
[Yelps.]
You can't make that sound, Wes! When you make that sound, you're confirming what they think! [Crowd booing.]
Jasper: You almost had it, man! Dude, I thought you said you played.
Yeah, it's been a minute.
Been more than that.
You should quit, pussy.
No, I got this.
I got this.
Good luck! - Umpire: Strike uno.
- [Crowd booing.]
Oh.
Are you sure this is a good idea? Man, sometimes he needs a little reminder that he can't walk on water.
[Sighs.]
Wes, I estimate an 86 percent chance of the same pitch, ranging in speed from 85 miles per hour to Dude, why are you batting left-handed? Oh, yo.
Uh, time out.
Time out! Who forgets what hand they use? I dunno.
[Crowd shouting, booing.]
Okay, game on.
[Umpire speaks Spanish.]
- [Cheers and applause.]
- Run! Run to the first base! [Chuckles.]
Yeah! That's my boy! That's my boy.
I know him.
He's he's a cool dude.
Are you from out of town? Yeah? Cool, me, too.
We should hang out.
[Sighs.]
How did he do that? Sometimes he just comes through on certain shit.
It's super [bleep.]
annoying.
I love this baseball concert.
It's not a concert, man.
It's a game.
It's bas it's baseball.
Okay.
A game, baseball game.
I like this baseball game.
That's it.
[Air horn blows.]
[Air horn blows.]
If you want to be a superstar, it helps to have, like, a number-one song, like, around the world.
Like, the whole world, like, all of it.
[Air horn blows.]
[Crowd chanting in Spanish.]
- [Cellphone rings.]
- Yo.
Woman: Well, I'll be damned.
Guess who finally decided to answer the phone.
Uh, new phone, who dis? Look, I don't know who you thought I was, but I can tell you who the [bleep.]
I'm not - that bitch.
- Can you be more specific? Listen here, sir, you think you're the shit 'cause you're a fucking deejay? Anybody could do the shit that you do, so don't try to ghost me and play me out here in these streets like I'm some random ass Oh, sorry, this guy just try to throw me out.
Shit, he should have tried to hit you up side your damn head and knock some sense into your ass.
[Cellphone chimes.]
Let me just tell you one God damn thing You should be happy to have me, okay? - 'Cause let me tell you something.
- - Everybody falls in love with me.
- - - They all want me all the [bleep.]
time.
And don't try to act like you're different, sir, because I know you'd throw on this with your little dick hat self.
- What? - And my girl, Shantal, she told me not to [bleep.]
with you, but Now he's just getting exercise.
my dumbass I'm thinking you the one.
- Baby, you ain't special.
- [Cheers and applause.]
Matter of fact, you know what? I'm trying to call Cal.
I think he wants this pussy.
Steal another one! Uh, listen, Shantal, uh, obviously you're upset, - but I got another call, so - I know you did not just call me Shantal! - Are you [bleep.]
Shantal, too? - Peace.
Yo.
Woman: There's a singer going around saying you're bad in bed.
Uh, mom, can I call you back? I Google you, and I see Yo.
Karen: Hey, Wes, I've gone through every contact we have on both islands.
No one has a lead on a confetti cannon.
- You got to let it go.
- Yeah, but I need it.
Look, there's nothing more I can do.
Yeah, there is.
You got it! Yes, go all the way to home! [Cheers and applause.]
So we can go home! [Cheering.]
[Laughing.]
[Crowd cheering.]
Basketball rules! All right.
So I'm thinking baseball emoji obviously and then thumbs up and then snarling cat.
How about, "I just shit my pants?" Why? I don't know.
It's Snapchat.
Yeah, you're right.
That's better.
Yo, but Jamar, with the the - Poop emoji.
- poop emoji.
Exactly.
Exactly.
So how's Karen? [Bat smacks, chain fence clinks.]
I don't know.
Nada, no.
La cañón De confetti? No, no.
[Speaking Spanish.]
- Do you know who Diplo is? - No.
[Speaking Spanish.]
Can't can't really understand you.
Um, would you mind saying that again into the phone? [Speaking Spanish.]
Shit! Yo, think I could hit a home run? [Laughs.]
I'm serious.
I I You barely lucked into that last hit.
Now you think you Barry Bonds? Yeah, well, when else am I going to get a chance to find out? I could tell you right now and save you a lot of time.
You know, ever since I was a kid, I dreamed about hitting a home run.
[Crowd cheering.]
[Breathes deeply.]
Well, look, man, you know you'd have to play the field first, right? - You know that's how that works? - Sweet.
You 'bout to Dude! Dude! They got rum at concession stands! Yo, you think I could hit a home run? Of course! Now let's smoke a J.
, get on the plane, and go to Puerto [bleep.]
Rico! Nah.
I'm going to take another at-bat first.
Okay.
Yeah, cool, cool.
[Bleep.]
Security! [Both speaking Spanish.]
Brian: What are you doing? You've already won.
Get off the field! Nah, I got this.
You don't got shit.
You're a deejay, not Derek Jeter! Yo, same initials, though.
I must say, I fail see the upside.
The video of you, uh, getting the hit has already gone viral.
We've accomplished what we were hoping for.
Yo, I'll play the field.
I get another at-bat.
I hit a home run.
That's the new plan.
You're [bleep.]
delusional! You're going to ruin this! Fine, then.
Bet against me, bitches.
[Crowd murmuring.]
[Crowd shouting in Spanish.]
My bad! [Groans.]
[Crowd murmuring.]
[Sighs.]
[Crowd cheering.]
Two outs! [Bat smacks.]
[Crowd cheering.]
[Umpire speaks Spanish.]
Yeah! [Chuckles.]
That's fantastic.
That's the worst thing that could have happened.
Meeting, locker room, now! Ha! - Hey, what's up? - Why you running? - Just, you know - Stop running! - running an errand! - What? Breathe! Brian: He just got back in the field! I told him not to! Hey, I can't really hear you right now! Listen, stop, stop.
Breathe.
Stop.
Okay, you had one job to do and one job only, and you messed it up! If I'm not back in 10 minutes, send help.
If you're not back in 10 minutes, you're fired! Meeting, locker room, now! - [Bleep.]
- Will you stop running?! [Air horn blows.]
[Air horn blows.]
Three words Private jet.
[Air horn blows.]
Dude, oh my [bleep.]
God.
The "Dominic" Republic sucks.
If the security asks for me, I'm not here.
Well, guess what, no one cares where the [bleep.]
you are.
Oh, no.
What? ESPN has picked up the story, and they are going to be airing his at-bat live on "SportsCenter".
Oh, fuck the month of July.
This had to happen in the slowest sports month? God! Oh, there you are.
Thanks for coming by.
Just don't.
Oh, and now it's trending on Instagram live.
Oh, God.
Okay, so we avoided catastrophe.
All we have to do is get this [bleep.]
face on a plane to Puerto Rico, or it's going to be the NBA All Star Game again.
What happened at the NBA All Star Game? This [bleep.]
thought he was Michael Jordan at a celebrity game.
He just kept shooting and shooting, and nothing was going in.
Then Bill Murray crossed him over, and Charles Barkley was laughing.
He was blaming his shoes.
He lost a huge endorsement.
He's going to lose a lot more if he goes through with this.
I can feel it.
Dude, if my boy says he can hit a home run, he can hit a home run.
Okay? Do you even know what a home run is? I I do not.
It's when the ball is struck over the outfield fence.
Like the far-far-away fence? There's only one fence.
Yes.
He definitely can't do that then.
- Yeah.
- Can't do what? Hey, man.
So we're supposed to be in San Juan in about 3 hours, so wheels up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, right after my at-bat.
No time.
We were supposed to leave about a half an hour ago.
Whoosh.
You don't think I can hit a home run, do you? That's besides the point, man.
Is it? Hey, dude, we have a crew waiting for us in Puerto Rico.
All right? There is no I in team, bro.
Yeah, but there's an I in Diplo.
See, this is the difference between you and me.
You, you're afraid to lose.
I'm not.
I'm a realist, bro.
And that's your problem.
You don't believe in magic.
You fucking asshole.
We've been propping you up all night, keeping you on the rails, okay, keeping you from disaster! - Tell me I can't do it.
- You can't do it! It's impossible! Yo, making a living as deejay was impossible, but guess who bought a house in cash? Going from selling CDs out of the trunk of my Scion to having a platinum record was impossible.
Yo, impossible can get on his knees and suck my dick.
I am waiting on the plane.
Fine.
Fine.
If you don't believe, I don't want you here.
Go.
Get out.
Anybody else not believe? I was just following.
I wasn't making a statement.
It's fine, bro.
Go.
Look, you know I'm a believer.
The thing is, if security finds me, I'm probably not going to get off this island, and I I I just I want to go home.
And I got to I should stay with Brian.
But you go this, man.
- You got this.
- All right.
I got it.
I'm sorry, dude.
I love you! You're going to make it.
Here.
Ahh.
You only got one? [Sighs.]
[Sighs.]
[Crowd cheering in distance.]
[Intro to "Believer" plays.]
When the valley couldn't hold me, they throw me in the river Thinking I would drown, but, man, ah good swimmer Whoa, whoa Announcer: [Speaking Spanish.]
Deejay Diplo! When the river didn't drown me, they throw me in the fire But the fire just cooled, I could never burn Whoa Because I'm a believer I'm a believer I'm a believer Hey I'm a believer Believer I'm a believer Hey [Instrumental break.]
Because I'm a I'm a Hey Freetown is my family You have to be onstage in San Juan in 2 hours.
Whole Caribbean follow we [Music fades.]
All right.
Thank you, Santo Domingo.
It was lovely getting to play with you tonight.
[Cheers and applause.]
Just remember, ain't no victory real unless you can share it with somebody.
Peace.
[Cheers and applause.]
["High Grade" by Wax Wreckaz feat.
Million Stylez plays.]
Me fighting to bre-e-e-e-e-eathe We smoke it till we early in the day We be smokin' You were right about the confetti cannon.
That thing was a piece of shit.
We smoke it till we eyes, them a bleed Now we do something for you and for me - No.
- That's right.
¿La verdad? [Air horn blows.]
[Air horn blows.]
Always follow your dreams, unless your dreams are, like, really wacked and weird and you're like, you know, deejaying somewhere, and all of a sudden, you're naked.
And you realize, like, "Oh, my God, I need some pants.
" And then you try to get some pants, but, then, like, you know, your father's there, and he's, like, having sex with your teacher from third grade.
And you're like, "Yo, dad, what are you doing?" Don't follow those dreams.
But the part about, like, being onstage you should do that one for sure.
[Air horn blows.]
What's up, guys? It's Jasper.
I'm in the visitors' locker room, and I drained the water, and I took an upper decker in the lower deck.
But check this out.
I freaking found drugs that were in my butt from last week! [Laughs.]
That's freaking crazy! - iAquÃ! - Oh Oh, security! Because I'm a I'm a Oh, oh Because I'm a I'm a ["Believer" cover by Midnite String Quartet plays.]
When the valley couldn't hold me, they throw me in the river Thinking I would drown, but, man, ah good swimmer Whoa, whoa-oh-oh Oh, oh, yeah When the river didn't drown me, they throw me in the fire But the fire just cooled, I could never burn Whoa Because I'm a believer I'm a believer I'm a believer, hey I'm a believer I'm a believer I'm a believer, whoa [Instrumental break.]
[All cheering.]
Hold up, pull up Whoom! Because I'm a I'm a Whoa Freetown is my family My family Whole Caribbean follow me Peaches, no! Ow! Oh! Aah! They can't manage me Afrika, no apology Karen! [Air horn blows.]
[Indistinct conversations.]
Ugh, where is he? Oh, thank God, you're alive.
Do you have any idea how late you are? Wherever you're at is exactly where you're meant to be.
Sorry, jet lag just, like, bit me in the ass today.
I set your alarm.
Somebody stole my phone.
Did you check your pants pocket? Of course.
Well, you have a stadium full of people out there, - so here you go.
- Is it sold out? Damn near.
Sweet! Guys, wait up! Jasper, we're already late! Oh [bleep.]
! My sandal! It's so great that you're loyal to your middle school best friend, but you can't leave Jasper alone with other humans.
- Wha - Dude, I can't believe you were going to throw these shorts away! They literally verify your dick! Also, security on this island has zero sense of humor, FYI.
All right.
We're on the move.
So for tonight, I managed to get the full light and laser rig set up, so you're going to have that, all three dancers.
Oh, are they going to have booty shorts on? Why, are we opening a Hooters? - Can we? - No.
Fog cannon, and we're going to use the house sound rig, but Kroner already gave it the thumbs up, so we're all good there.
Yeah, yeah, of course.
Did you get the confetti cannon? Fingers crossed we're going to get it for Art Basel in Miami.
No, Karen, I need it tonight.
We're in the middle of the Dominican Republic.
There aren't exactly resources down here.
Yeah, but I told you last week that I needed it.
Yeah, and I told you that there was a fire at the factory in China and a nationwide recall on them.
Did you see it on the news? There were a lot of people, not enough exits.
Yeah, but that's why we have the smoke and the lights.
And the end of "Believer," boom, smoke, fog, confetti comes down.
People go ape-shit.
Yeah, I get it.
Believe me, I've tried.
Karen, I need it.
Otherwise, I'm just a random white dude up there pressing buttons.
Okay.
I'm on it.
[Cheering in distance.]
- Oh, Karen.
- Yeah? Make sure you get, like, the super colorful one, too, not, like, just black and white.
Yo, short cut! [Indistinct.]
[Angrily speaking in Spanish.]
Oh, sorry, bro.
[Speaking Spanish.]
[Cheers and applause.]
That's what I was saying in the first place! Sorry for yelling, okay? Let's be friends, huh? Can we be friends? - No, no, no.
- Oh, sorry for touching you that way.
All right? Listen, you manage a baseball team.
I manage a deejay.
We're two peas in a pod.
Can we help each other? Huh? Capiche? [Speaking Spanish.]
Ah, da da da, I don't know what the [bleep.]
that means! - Dude! - Yo.
I've been dealing with this shit for 9 years.
Do you believe that shit? Here.
Sweet.
Yeah? Here.
What's this for? You want a list? I'm just throwing out the first pitch.
That was seven innings ago, okay? Want to be late? Take an act bat now.
- [Bats clatter.]
- [Bleep.]
[Crowd cheering.]
- Yo.
- ¿Qué? [Speaking Spanish.]
Oh.
[Speaking Spanish.]
Uno bat? [Speaking Spanish.]
No, he's he's crazy.
I don't know him.
[Speaking Spanish.]
- Go! - All right.
[Crowd cheering.]
Yo, Brian, what the [bleep.]
? You really going to come at me right now? You got to give me a heads up on this shit! But then you would have said no.
- Exactly.
- Exactly.
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
What? No, you can't [bleep.]
Mr.
Miyagi me.
Can't I? Wax on, wax off, bitch.
Next time, show up on time.
You're the worst manager in the history of music.
I love you.
Yo, give me Kroner.
[German accent.]
Jürgen speaking.
Yo, Kroner, help me out.
Oh, okay.
Um, according to the scouting report, this pitcher throws over 144 kilometers per hour, which is not especially fast.
In [bleep.]
English.
The metric system isn't a different language, Wes, it's under 90 miles per hour.
90? Don't break your press-play finger! Announcer: [Speaking Spanish.]
[Cheers and applause.]
Diplooooooooo! Yeah! That's my boy! Kroner: On the bright side, this addresses a gap in your demographic, which could be good in the future.
Diplo: Gap, what gap? Don't worry about it.
Kroner? While young women view you favorably, um, men over the age of 21, uh, feel that you are What? um, that you're not They think you're a pussy! [Laughs.]
That's some bullshit right there.
[Yelps.]
You can't make that sound, Wes! When you make that sound, you're confirming what they think! [Crowd booing.]
Jasper: You almost had it, man! Dude, I thought you said you played.
Yeah, it's been a minute.
Been more than that.
You should quit, pussy.
No, I got this.
I got this.
Good luck! - Umpire: Strike uno.
- [Crowd booing.]
Oh.
Are you sure this is a good idea? Man, sometimes he needs a little reminder that he can't walk on water.
[Sighs.]
Wes, I estimate an 86 percent chance of the same pitch, ranging in speed from 85 miles per hour to Dude, why are you batting left-handed? Oh, yo.
Uh, time out.
Time out! Who forgets what hand they use? I dunno.
[Crowd shouting, booing.]
Okay, game on.
[Umpire speaks Spanish.]
- [Cheers and applause.]
- Run! Run to the first base! [Chuckles.]
Yeah! That's my boy! That's my boy.
I know him.
He's he's a cool dude.
Are you from out of town? Yeah? Cool, me, too.
We should hang out.
[Sighs.]
How did he do that? Sometimes he just comes through on certain shit.
It's super [bleep.]
annoying.
I love this baseball concert.
It's not a concert, man.
It's a game.
It's bas it's baseball.
Okay.
A game, baseball game.
I like this baseball game.
That's it.
[Air horn blows.]
[Air horn blows.]
If you want to be a superstar, it helps to have, like, a number-one song, like, around the world.
Like, the whole world, like, all of it.
[Air horn blows.]
[Crowd chanting in Spanish.]
- [Cellphone rings.]
- Yo.
Woman: Well, I'll be damned.
Guess who finally decided to answer the phone.
Uh, new phone, who dis? Look, I don't know who you thought I was, but I can tell you who the [bleep.]
I'm not - that bitch.
- Can you be more specific? Listen here, sir, you think you're the shit 'cause you're a fucking deejay? Anybody could do the shit that you do, so don't try to ghost me and play me out here in these streets like I'm some random ass Oh, sorry, this guy just try to throw me out.
Shit, he should have tried to hit you up side your damn head and knock some sense into your ass.
[Cellphone chimes.]
Let me just tell you one God damn thing You should be happy to have me, okay? - 'Cause let me tell you something.
- - Everybody falls in love with me.
- - - They all want me all the [bleep.]
time.
And don't try to act like you're different, sir, because I know you'd throw on this with your little dick hat self.
- What? - And my girl, Shantal, she told me not to [bleep.]
with you, but Now he's just getting exercise.
my dumbass I'm thinking you the one.
- Baby, you ain't special.
- [Cheers and applause.]
Matter of fact, you know what? I'm trying to call Cal.
I think he wants this pussy.
Steal another one! Uh, listen, Shantal, uh, obviously you're upset, - but I got another call, so - I know you did not just call me Shantal! - Are you [bleep.]
Shantal, too? - Peace.
Yo.
Woman: There's a singer going around saying you're bad in bed.
Uh, mom, can I call you back? I Google you, and I see Yo.
Karen: Hey, Wes, I've gone through every contact we have on both islands.
No one has a lead on a confetti cannon.
- You got to let it go.
- Yeah, but I need it.
Look, there's nothing more I can do.
Yeah, there is.
You got it! Yes, go all the way to home! [Cheers and applause.]
So we can go home! [Cheering.]
[Laughing.]
[Crowd cheering.]
Basketball rules! All right.
So I'm thinking baseball emoji obviously and then thumbs up and then snarling cat.
How about, "I just shit my pants?" Why? I don't know.
It's Snapchat.
Yeah, you're right.
That's better.
Yo, but Jamar, with the the - Poop emoji.
- poop emoji.
Exactly.
Exactly.
So how's Karen? [Bat smacks, chain fence clinks.]
I don't know.
Nada, no.
La cañón De confetti? No, no.
[Speaking Spanish.]
- Do you know who Diplo is? - No.
[Speaking Spanish.]
Can't can't really understand you.
Um, would you mind saying that again into the phone? [Speaking Spanish.]
Shit! Yo, think I could hit a home run? [Laughs.]
I'm serious.
I I You barely lucked into that last hit.
Now you think you Barry Bonds? Yeah, well, when else am I going to get a chance to find out? I could tell you right now and save you a lot of time.
You know, ever since I was a kid, I dreamed about hitting a home run.
[Crowd cheering.]
[Breathes deeply.]
Well, look, man, you know you'd have to play the field first, right? - You know that's how that works? - Sweet.
You 'bout to Dude! Dude! They got rum at concession stands! Yo, you think I could hit a home run? Of course! Now let's smoke a J.
, get on the plane, and go to Puerto [bleep.]
Rico! Nah.
I'm going to take another at-bat first.
Okay.
Yeah, cool, cool.
[Bleep.]
Security! [Both speaking Spanish.]
Brian: What are you doing? You've already won.
Get off the field! Nah, I got this.
You don't got shit.
You're a deejay, not Derek Jeter! Yo, same initials, though.
I must say, I fail see the upside.
The video of you, uh, getting the hit has already gone viral.
We've accomplished what we were hoping for.
Yo, I'll play the field.
I get another at-bat.
I hit a home run.
That's the new plan.
You're [bleep.]
delusional! You're going to ruin this! Fine, then.
Bet against me, bitches.
[Crowd murmuring.]
[Crowd shouting in Spanish.]
My bad! [Groans.]
[Crowd murmuring.]
[Sighs.]
[Crowd cheering.]
Two outs! [Bat smacks.]
[Crowd cheering.]
[Umpire speaks Spanish.]
Yeah! [Chuckles.]
That's fantastic.
That's the worst thing that could have happened.
Meeting, locker room, now! Ha! - Hey, what's up? - Why you running? - Just, you know - Stop running! - running an errand! - What? Breathe! Brian: He just got back in the field! I told him not to! Hey, I can't really hear you right now! Listen, stop, stop.
Breathe.
Stop.
Okay, you had one job to do and one job only, and you messed it up! If I'm not back in 10 minutes, send help.
If you're not back in 10 minutes, you're fired! Meeting, locker room, now! - [Bleep.]
- Will you stop running?! [Air horn blows.]
[Air horn blows.]
Three words Private jet.
[Air horn blows.]
Dude, oh my [bleep.]
God.
The "Dominic" Republic sucks.
If the security asks for me, I'm not here.
Well, guess what, no one cares where the [bleep.]
you are.
Oh, no.
What? ESPN has picked up the story, and they are going to be airing his at-bat live on "SportsCenter".
Oh, fuck the month of July.
This had to happen in the slowest sports month? God! Oh, there you are.
Thanks for coming by.
Just don't.
Oh, and now it's trending on Instagram live.
Oh, God.
Okay, so we avoided catastrophe.
All we have to do is get this [bleep.]
face on a plane to Puerto Rico, or it's going to be the NBA All Star Game again.
What happened at the NBA All Star Game? This [bleep.]
thought he was Michael Jordan at a celebrity game.
He just kept shooting and shooting, and nothing was going in.
Then Bill Murray crossed him over, and Charles Barkley was laughing.
He was blaming his shoes.
He lost a huge endorsement.
He's going to lose a lot more if he goes through with this.
I can feel it.
Dude, if my boy says he can hit a home run, he can hit a home run.
Okay? Do you even know what a home run is? I I do not.
It's when the ball is struck over the outfield fence.
Like the far-far-away fence? There's only one fence.
Yes.
He definitely can't do that then.
- Yeah.
- Can't do what? Hey, man.
So we're supposed to be in San Juan in about 3 hours, so wheels up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, right after my at-bat.
No time.
We were supposed to leave about a half an hour ago.
Whoosh.
You don't think I can hit a home run, do you? That's besides the point, man.
Is it? Hey, dude, we have a crew waiting for us in Puerto Rico.
All right? There is no I in team, bro.
Yeah, but there's an I in Diplo.
See, this is the difference between you and me.
You, you're afraid to lose.
I'm not.
I'm a realist, bro.
And that's your problem.
You don't believe in magic.
You fucking asshole.
We've been propping you up all night, keeping you on the rails, okay, keeping you from disaster! - Tell me I can't do it.
- You can't do it! It's impossible! Yo, making a living as deejay was impossible, but guess who bought a house in cash? Going from selling CDs out of the trunk of my Scion to having a platinum record was impossible.
Yo, impossible can get on his knees and suck my dick.
I am waiting on the plane.
Fine.
Fine.
If you don't believe, I don't want you here.
Go.
Get out.
Anybody else not believe? I was just following.
I wasn't making a statement.
It's fine, bro.
Go.
Look, you know I'm a believer.
The thing is, if security finds me, I'm probably not going to get off this island, and I I I just I want to go home.
And I got to I should stay with Brian.
But you go this, man.
- You got this.
- All right.
I got it.
I'm sorry, dude.
I love you! You're going to make it.
Here.
Ahh.
You only got one? [Sighs.]
[Sighs.]
[Crowd cheering in distance.]
[Intro to "Believer" plays.]
When the valley couldn't hold me, they throw me in the river Thinking I would drown, but, man, ah good swimmer Whoa, whoa Announcer: [Speaking Spanish.]
Deejay Diplo! When the river didn't drown me, they throw me in the fire But the fire just cooled, I could never burn Whoa Because I'm a believer I'm a believer I'm a believer Hey I'm a believer Believer I'm a believer Hey [Instrumental break.]
Because I'm a I'm a Hey Freetown is my family You have to be onstage in San Juan in 2 hours.
Whole Caribbean follow we [Music fades.]
All right.
Thank you, Santo Domingo.
It was lovely getting to play with you tonight.
[Cheers and applause.]
Just remember, ain't no victory real unless you can share it with somebody.
Peace.
[Cheers and applause.]
["High Grade" by Wax Wreckaz feat.
Million Stylez plays.]
Me fighting to bre-e-e-e-e-eathe We smoke it till we early in the day We be smokin' You were right about the confetti cannon.
That thing was a piece of shit.
We smoke it till we eyes, them a bleed Now we do something for you and for me - No.
- That's right.
¿La verdad? [Air horn blows.]
[Air horn blows.]
Always follow your dreams, unless your dreams are, like, really wacked and weird and you're like, you know, deejaying somewhere, and all of a sudden, you're naked.
And you realize, like, "Oh, my God, I need some pants.
" And then you try to get some pants, but, then, like, you know, your father's there, and he's, like, having sex with your teacher from third grade.
And you're like, "Yo, dad, what are you doing?" Don't follow those dreams.
But the part about, like, being onstage you should do that one for sure.
[Air horn blows.]
What's up, guys? It's Jasper.
I'm in the visitors' locker room, and I drained the water, and I took an upper decker in the lower deck.
But check this out.
I freaking found drugs that were in my butt from last week! [Laughs.]
That's freaking crazy! - iAquÃ! - Oh Oh, security! Because I'm a I'm a Oh, oh Because I'm a I'm a ["Believer" cover by Midnite String Quartet plays.]