White Famous (2017) s01e04 Episode Script

1 [FLOYD.]
Here's what's been happening on White Famous.
The man with his first movie in the can.
The goal has always been white famous.
Maybe I'm just a comic's comic.
Isn't that enough? What else you got for me? Some black responsibility project.
Teddy Snow is writing and directing it.
That motherfucker's crazy.
- Lloyd.
- Floyd.
[TEDDY.]
This is Gwen.
She's playing my character's daughter.
You must be Floyd Mooney.
I most certainly am.
There she is, man.
Esther Blaze.
She's a genius.
[FLOYD.]
That was nice.
Am I your first married lady? - What now? - You didn't know? I literally just got off with Amy, and she offered me an impossible to refuse job at her agency.
Best of all, I get to take you with me.
- Amy thinks the world of you.
- Amy? - [MALCOLM.]
His wife.
- You two, come to my house.
We'll break some bread.
Come on, do it [MEN VOCALIZING.]
- Whoo - Turn it up Yeah - Whoo - Let's go [MALCOLM.]
No, you don't understand, Floyd.
"No" is not an option.
"No" is always an option, Malcolm.
In the right hands, "no" is a weapon of mass destruction.
"No" means no, motherfucker.
- You gotta go, Floyd.
- [FLOYD SCOFFS.]
I'm a grown-ass man.
I ain't got to do shit.
- She's my boss.
- Yep, she's not my boss.
- Technically, I'm her boss.
- Well, technically, - he's your boss.
- And when it's time to work, I will show the fuck up.
Far as I know, there's nothing in that contract about having dinner with Hollywood wack-a-doos.
They are batshit crazy, but you know what? Peter is the network president and he writes the checks, so we play ball, but that doesn't mean you can't be subversive.
Jerk off in their bathroom and rub your dick all over their drapes.
- Have fun, bro.
- I'm not doing that.
I'm going down to the J-Spot.
It's been way too long.
That's a great idea, Floyd.
And guess what.
You could do it after because it's a dinner party and white people eat mad early.
You eat.
You eat, Floyd.
Balls! Guess what.
We goin' to a Hollywood dinner party tonight.
Hey, guess what, man.
Have a good time.
Take some fucking pics for me.
Come on, man, you gotta come with me.
Hey, man, I'm a grown-ass man.
I ain't got to do shit.
Yes, you do.
I'm yo boss now, motherfucker.
You are my assistant, so I'm commanding and demanding that you come.
I never asked to be your fucking assistant, and I already got a fucking job.
And I bet you gon' like all the free money that comes with it.
The money ain't free, nigga, if I gotta work for it, man.
Come on, Balls.
I need you.
You are crucial to my sanity in these situations.
- [CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
- [BALLS.]
Nope, not moving, man.
This is exactly where you will find my black ass - when you get home.
- Please.
All right, Amy says somebody named Esther Blaze will be catering the dinner tonight.
What is this? Does this mean anything to anyone? I don't know, Balls.
That mean anything to you? When we leaving, niggas? I gotta go clean up.
Balls has gotta wash his balls.
All right, yeah.
Hey, you might wanna squeeze one out of the chamber.
Don't need you bustin' a nut at the fuckin' dinner table.
Leather on the seat, alligator on her feet Chrome on the handle gleaming down the street Fourteen-karat gold in the grille on my ride Got a fly Cadillac, people know what I drive Once was lost, now I'm fine and alive Ooh-ooh-whee! Yeah! Now we livin' like white folks.
Man, these motherfuckers is seriously papered up.
Hey, Balls, one day, I'ma get us a crib just like this, and I'ma hire some bitches to feed you grapes and just put lotion all over your back fat.
Oh, that shit sounds nice, man.
I'ma hold you to that, motherfucker, yeah.
- All right, yeah.
- All right, man.
- So what's the plan? - Plan? What you mean? What we gonna do if Lady Agent wants some more of your dick? In the house she shares with her husband? Man, you don't know what these Caucasians are capable of.
Man, you through the looking glass, motherfucker.
Facts.
Man, just stay close to me, all right? Don't leave me with the man-eater.
- As you wish.
- [BOTH.]
All right.
- You got me? - Got you.
- You sure? - Positive.
- You fuckin' with me.
- I ain't fuckin' with you.
- You got me 100 percent? - Go - Word? Word is bond? - Yeah.
- Word is James Bond.
- That's right.
- Word 007? - I got you.
Double oh, triple oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh - Come on, now.
- Okay.
- [BOTH.]
All right.
- [BALLS.]
All right.
hip-hop music Hey, guys.
- How you doing? - Mm.
Yeah, how you doing? Ooh, that a little long.
Okay, did somebody die? Why you huggin' me so long? - [GIGGLES.]
- [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
- [AMY.]
Balls.
- Hey, how you doing? Hey, Esther's in the kitchen if you wanna go say hi.
Oh, shit, yeah.
- Where you going? - Hey, man, what are you talking about? I'ma go talk to Esther.
What happened to sticking by my side? Hey, man, you a big boy.
Man, stay strong.
Just keep yo' fuckin' dick in yo' pants, man.
- What was that about? - What was what? That little to-do there.
Oh, nothing.
I was talking to my homeboy.
Are you afraid of being alone with me? No.
Don't be silly.
Why would I be afraid? Do you really think you're that irresistible? Don't know about irresistible.
I know I got a certain magnetism, a certain aura, maybe a feng shui or something like that.
Mm, that's not what that word means.
- Word.
- Let's go do the tour, yeah? Here's a guest room.
Oh, oh, that's ni What the [GRUNTS.]
What the fuck, woman? In your own fucking house? Oh, no, Peter's in the stupid fucking gym.
He's sweating to the oldies.
We have a couple minutes here.
What happened to not doing this shit while we were fucking working together? Yes, you are under the umbrella of my agency, but Malcolm's your guy, so this is no big deal.
Wait, why didn't you fucking tell me? Why are you being such a girl about this? Does that dress come with tampons? Oh, my gosh.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I just thought it may have been nice to know I'm smashing the wife of the big network guy.
I honestly thought you knew, Floyd.
I'm wearing a huge fucking ring.
Oh, c I don't know rings.
I don't know shit about this business of show.
I don't know who's married to fucking who.
Well, now you know, okay? So now let's make some memories.
Then why'd you go and hire fucking Malcolm? Because I think you're talented.
That's why.
I want to be in the Floyd Mooney business.
Yeah, you're in my business, all right.
Yeah, that's my specialty.
I represent in all areas.
Like that one.
How do you want me? You want me like this? - Hmm? - [GASPS.]
Irma, what have I told you about sneaking up on me? Jesus fuck! [SOBS.]
She's new and sneaky.
She's quiet as a mouse.
I'm pretty sure she's stealing my Klonopin.
Jesus, woman, you were way more nicer out in the world.
All right, look, this is not gonna be a thing, okay? I'm not gonna fall in love with you.
I don't wanna have your mixed-race baby.
I just sometimes get off on being a little naughty.
My therapist calls it Oppositional Defiance Disorder.
Oh, well, that's a relief 'cause I just thought it was called Crazy White Bitch Syndrome, but, you know, tomato, tom-ah-to.
[PETER.]
Amy, where are you? Fuck, goddamn it, why does the sound of his voice make me want to fucking claw my eyes out? Hey.
Oh, Floyd.
How you doing, my brother? - Hey, man.
- How are you? - [PETER.]
Darling.
- [AMY.]
Don't you dare touch me with your disgusting, corrosive sweat.
Jesus, all right.
Uh, I was, uh I was just working out, Floyd.
- You know how it goes.
- Yeah.
- What're you two doing in here? - [AMY.]
Hmm? [PETER.]
And-and w-why is Irma crying? Oh, I was giving him the tour, and who the fuck knows why Irma's ever crying, right? She is a hysterical ninny.
I'm pretty sure she's stealing from us.
I can't find my Ativan.
Can you find it? She's not stealing from us, Amy, okay? And you could be a little nicer to her.
- Stu loves her.
- [AMY SIGHS.]
Floyd, I wanna show you something I think will blow your mind.
Oh.
[GROANS.]
Yep.
[SIGHS.]
Check it out, big guy.
[SCOFFS.]
Wow.
Yes, yes, indeed.
This is it.
This this is my temple, Floyd.
This is where it's where it all goes down.
You know, if I, uh have a hard day at work or some kind of screaming round with Amy that leaves me trembling and considering self-harm, I come here and I work it all out and I emerge from my chrysalis a new man.
Well, I gotta say, Peter, this is, uh it's pretty fucking impressive.
How much you bench, kid? Oh, I don't know.
[CHUCKLES.]
Why don't you have a go on one of these bad boys? Um, nah, I'm good.
Oh, I insist, Floyd.
I'd say your job depends on it.
- I'm just kidding.
- [CHUCKLES WEAKLY.]
Or am I? Come on.
On your back, son.
[WHISPERING.]
On your back.
It's kind of seductive, the way you was rubbin' that.
All right.
Nice.
- [EXHALES.]
- Here we go.
- Let's do it.
- I'm gonna spot you, Floyd.
- You got this? - I'm not a weak dude now.
You're oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, that's nice.
Deeper, deeper.
Yeah, push it.
Yeah.
Yeah, deeper, deeper.
Ah, yeah, come on now.
Deeper.
Push it, push it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, push it.
- Oh, what the? - Deeper, deeper.
- Yes.
- Ah, ah, ah, ah! [SQUEALS.]
- Oh, shit, sorry.
- Whoa, you-you-you - Oh, was I hanging brain? - You oh, yeah.
Ah, you know, I should I really should remember to tuck these guys.
peppy percussive music [LAUGHS.]
Lloyd! Still Floyd, man.
What the fuck are you doing here, man? Oh, Stu's an old friend.
He gave me my start in the business.
He's staying with us for a while.
- Ah.
- Yeah, the the house is being remodeled.
Trying to rid the place of all the memories of my dear, departed wife.
Love of my life, she was.
- Oh.
- I love her more - than anything.
- Oh, shit, man.
Your wife died? I'm sorry for your loss.
No, she's very much alive.
Living in middling hand-to-mouth mediocrity with a bald, masturbating squirrel of an agent.
- Oh.
- Actually, Stu brought Irma with him, which was a godsend.
Amy seems to have run the last three out on a rail.
- She has a tendency to rage.
- Yeah, I noticed.
Gotta be careful, Peter.
Much like a hungry cat, an unfucked woman has a tendency to stray.
- [FLOYD CHUCKLES WRYLY.]
- Yeah, and if you're not giving her a regular diet of inches in the home, she will seek those inches elsewhere.
[PETER.]
That's a good point, Stu.
I can be too focused on my job and my body.
You were so funny in that movie, by the way.
- Thanks, man.
- [LAUGHS.]
Yeah, almost too funny, really.
Too-too funny? W-what do you mean? Well-well, I mean, you-you got a few too many laughs.
I mean, literally.
What the fuck is wrong with that? Like, how can you have too many laughs? Foxx wasn't pleased.
But aren't laughs good for a comedy? Well, absolutely, yeah.
Yeah, but not good for his movie star ego.
- Fuck.
I had no idea.
- Of course not.
Of course not.
But don't sweat it, man.
They're not gonna cut you out.
Oh.
[EXHALES.]
I mean, well, maybe.
I don't think.
Well, I mean, they could.
But I don't think so.
You know, maybe they will just minimize.
Just a C-hair or two, just [POPS LIPS.]
Minimize? I'm barely in the fucking thing.
Hey, pointless to be upset about it now, Lloyd.
You know? Damage is already done, and just chips fall where they may.
And you're on to the next one.
You're my star now.
And, gentlemen, I hope you don't mind if I take my leave.
I feel I must check in on milady, and also I must clean up for supper.
[LAUGHS.]
[QUIETLY.]
Oh, God.
upbeat music [MALCOLM.]
Amy, hi.
Thank you for having us in your home.
I have to introduce you to Rayna.
She is the number one unboxer on YouTube.
[AMY.]
Delightful! And what exactly the fuck is that exactly? Basically, I just tape myself unboxing packages.
You know, from, like, Amazon and stuff, and it could be anything, like a brand-new video game console or a toy.
Really anything as long as it's something that people are excited about in the culture.
- In the culture, of course.
- Of course, exactly.
Yeah, my audience just loves when I do it.
It's like a thrill ride for them or something.
Unboxing something you really want, but with boobs.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
I know it's really all about the ladies.
- Yeah.
- These two cuties.
Boop.
- Ow.
- Oh.
Ha.
They're my costars.
- I'm no fool.
- You no, you most certainly are not a fool.
[MOUTHING WORDS.]
[PETER.]
It is a pleasure to meet you, Rayna.
- Oh, thank you.
- Peter, this is the one I was telling you about.
Homey, she is going to be very big - in television and film.
- [PETER.]
Yes, we must discuss All right, I need to talk to you about the Jamie Foxx movie.
Not now, Floyd.
I'm with a client.
- Client? - [BOTH WHISPERING.]
[TEDDY.]
Hey, what's going on, fellas? How's it going? - This is - Gwen.
Yeah, we know we know Gwen.
Hi, Amy, Peter.
- Hello, Gwen.
How are you? - [GWEN.]
Hello.
I'm good.
Are you guy together? No, this is, uh, strictly professional.
W-we're not gonna be sleeping together on this project.
Oh, she's in the pilot.
I didn't realize.
Listen, I merely put in a good word for her.
- The rest was up to Teddy.
- No, that-that's not how the casting director phrased it to me.
The casting director said she was a must hire.
Thank God you can act.
What's for dinner? What are we gonna eat? hip-hop music [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- Oh.
- [TEDDY.]
Yeah, that's hot.
[TEDDY.]
Feeling good.
[LAUGHS.]
Ah, "Angry blacks.
" [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
So, Gwen, it looks like you finally got that acting career you always wanted.
Yeah, it's a dream come true, really, and working for you helped so much, - so I appreciate it.
- [MALCOLM.]
Well, you know what? The real question is, is who's representing you? - Because your boy right here - Malcolm, don't be an amateur.
There's no poaching at this table.
[STU GRUNTING AND STRAINING.]
[STU.]
All right, here we go.
There, my dear.
There, my baby dear.
Just close those legs a little bit.
[GRUNTS.]
Uterus up.
[SIGHS.]
All right.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Hello.
[SIGHS.]
So[CLEARS THROAT.]
I'll be the designated asshole.
Stu, w-w-w-what's with the doll? - I understand it's strange - No.
and I'm trying to wean myself off of milady.
But I suffered from a significant heartbreak years ago, and I find this representation of my immortal beloved comforts me.
- Especially at night - [TEDDY.]
Yeah.
when the monsters come.
We understand, Stu.
You do what you need to do, because you are among friends here.
No, no, no, Peter, you're gonna placate this bullshit? I think it's fucking loony tunes, Stu.
I think you're out of your tree.
But do what you gotta do to fight those monsters, huh.
[STU.]
Thank you, Teddy.
And I would expect nothing less from a visionary artist such as yourself.
- [FLOYD.]
I got a question.
- Uh, anything, Lloyd.
Do y'all do it? [LIGHT CHUCKLING.]
[LAUGHS AWKWARDLY.]
Well, um, as I said, I've been trying to wean myself, but we used to make it constantly with wild, reckless abandon.
But there was a great deal of cleanup involved - Ugh.
- And I started to feel bad - for Irma.
- [MALCOLM LAUGHS.]
Ay, dios mío.
Well, at least someone's getting fucked.
- Am I right? - Sorry, what was that, dear? - You're muttering again.
- [AMY.]
Nothing.
Nothing sweetheart.
Um, Esther.
- [ESTHER.]
Yeah? - The food is incredible.
- Thank you so much, Amy.
- Yeah, yeah.
I mean, seriously, this is the greatest meal I've ever had in my life, made by the most amazing woman I've ever met in my life.
[ESTHER.]
Balls, you are so sweet.
You know what? I could just eat you up.
- Be my guest.
- [GIGGLES.]
- [FLAPPING LIPS.]
- Are you guys high? Significantly.
And, uh and what is it that you do, Mr.
Balls? [BALLS.]
Yo, it's just Balls, man.
[CHUCKLES.]
It's just Balls.
What do you do, Just Balls? - I'm a U.
S.
postal worker.
- [PETER.]
Fascinating.
[BALLS.]
Not really, motherfucker.
Why are rich people always so interested in what poor people do, huh? Well, do you have Hollywood aspirations? - None whatsoever.
- So interesting.
[BALLS.]
Don't get me wrong, I love movies, but I don't want anything to do with the business.
I mean, too much fucking bullshit, if you ask me.
Copy that.
Balls is one smart motherfucker.
I run all my bits and let him read all my scripts.
I trust him way more than I trust fucking Malcolm over there.
That's a spectacularly shitty thing to say Floyd, especially to the man who's responsible for your Hollywood breakthrough.
Whoa.
Whoa! If I hadn't have put my foot in my mouth, Floyd here would still be playing on the chitlin circuit.
Hey, you don't get points for being a racist, okay? Who capitalized on that? This dude.
And this dude is sitting right fucking here, and he would have been just fine before you two fucking stepped in.
I really wish you were still my assistant so I could fire you again.
Amy, I-I thought we were on good terms.
Oh, we are.
Hey, hey.
You're not really gonna sleep with this D-bag, are you? Oh, I wasn't planning on it, no.
- Okay.
- [LAUGHTER.]
Oh, come on, Amy, be nice.
[MOCKINGLY.]
Oh, come on, Amy, be nice.
[LAUGHTER.]
Floyd, tell me.
What do make of this golden age of television? Huh.
I don't know if it's golden age.
It's all bullshit if you ask me.
- Really? Why do you say that? - I don't know.
There's just too many shows, not enough good ones, and the critics blow their chunky loads all over the most pretentious ones.
Movies is where it's at if you ask me.
Movies is having a hard time too.
I mean, look, TV now is what '90s indies were.
And there's plenty of dog shit mixed in with the good stuff.
You should hire these guys as executives, Peter.
They're better than those ass clowns - you have at the network.
- [BALLS.]
Fuck that shit, man.
He would never hire a big, fat black guy to work for him.
Oh, yeah? What makes you say that? Because it's true.
And even with all your "diversity" hires, Hollywood is still fucking racist as shit.
Church! You, my friend, are right.
Actually, I have a confession to make.
I said the N word today.
[TEDDY.]
What the fuck are you talking about? - [BALLS LAUGHING.]
- [TEDDY.]
What? [TEDDY.]
Huh? That fucking shit's crazy.
- The fuck you laughing at? - Yo, man.
I'm sorry, man.
I'm sorry.
I'm just so fucking high right now, you know what I'm saying? And this shit right here is gonna be funny.
Are you serious, Peter? [PETER.]
Oh, I'm perfectly serious.
Are you fucking retarded? Are you retarded? What the fuck, Peter? You said the N word publicly and you didn't tell me? Now we have to get in front of this thing.
Oh, calm down, Amy.
Of course I didn't say it in public.
I'm not an idiot.
No, I merely thought it in my head.
But, I mean, it did shock me.
I mean, it really, oof, shook me to my core.
Oh, my fucking God, where are you going with this, Peter? Okay, I'll tell you where I'm going with this.
I was hoping to take advantage of our esteemed guests and glean their insight.
In fact, would you allow me to pick your African-American brains, gentlemen? Something tells me you gon' do it anyway.
Yes, please, motherfucker.
Anything.
Okay, great, well, here's my question.
Um, is it ever okay for a white person to use the N word? [STU.]
In my experience, it's not.
Uh, in my experience, it will always come back - to bite you on the ass.
- With all due respect, Stu, I'm-I'm slightly more interested in what Floyd and Balls have to say.
Gotcha.
Boys thoughts? Oh, well, that-that-that just depends on the context.
What were you thinking about when you thought it? Well, I was perusing some pornography, as we men are wont to do, and I happened upon a well, a delicious, uh, subgenre, uh, called, um uh, cuckold porn.
- Now, now, bear with me - Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, oh, oh, I love this genre, Peter.
In fact, Marcy and I used to role-play scenes where we would cuckold her ex, now current husband.
Didn't we, dear? It was it was so much fun.
Anyway, so a white woman a MILF, if you will is, uh, having sex with a, um uh, stunning African-American Adonis while her her meek husband watches, helpless, and she and she keeps saying over and over and over, "Give me more of that N word dick.
Give me more of that N word dick.
Give me more of that N word dick.
" Anyway, um, yet later that day, I-I found myself saying it over and over and over again in my head.
I mean, it was I mean, it was it was frankly hypnotic and-and tribal.
I-I felt incredibly guilty, because that's odd, really, because, you know, I consider myself pretty woke.
Nope, nope, nope.
Did he just say "woke," or am I imagining that shit? Nah, he said "woke," man.
Peter, you should be embarrassed talking like that.
You just sent a wave of douche chills down my spin.
I could throw something at you right now.
That shit's just funny, man.
Interesting.
Well, why do you keep saying "interesting"? This isn't NPR, Peter.
This is a condescending, stupid conversation that you started.
Do you know what? That's interesting too.
Because that leads me to another question for you guys.
Is it ever okay for a white writer to write the N-word? - Tread carefully.
- All right.
You, my friend, you need to strip that word out of the script.
You don't give me script notes at the dinner table, okay? I will unleash the fucking kraken.
You want me to hit you with the fucking - Hein right here at the dinner table? - We have a responsibility, Teddy.
To whom? You're just angry 'cause I brought Gwen to dinner.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
"Don't be ridiculous.
" Stick some fucking mayonnaise in your tea, you fuck.
[PETER.]
Listen, look, if you're reduced to broad cultural stereotypes Fuck you.
Fuck the Beatles.
And fuck you.
[PETER.]
The Beatles have nothing to do with your - Yeah, well, fuck you.
- Latent racism, Edward.
[TEDDY SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY.]
I guess there's some history here.
I'm sensing some serious juju.
Honestly, you know, it's not really worth going into.
Gwen was our nanny.
She was a great nanny.
- [PETER.]
She was.
- Thank you.
She was also great at sucking Peter's cock.
[PETER.]
Oh, my God, Amy.
That's incredibly rude.
Why would you unpack our private business in front of our guests? Peter, look around.
Our guests include a woman who unpacks things for a living.
- [MALCOLM.]
Uh-uh, unboxes.
- What? - It's called unboxing.
- Whatever the fuck.
Also, there's a life-sized sex doll sitting at our table.
Don't call her a sex doll.
Don't reduce it to that.
That's ugly, Amy.
Sorry, Stu.
My bad, you fucking freak.
So she didn't suck your cock? - [PETER.]
She did not suck my cock.
- Did you suck his cock? I didn't suck anyone's anything.
I swear.
- [AMY.]
Then what happened? - All right, it was an inappropriate texting relationship.
I will I will give you that.
That resulted in her sucking your cock? She did not suck my cock! - All all right.
- [BALLS LAUGHING.]
It was perhaps a-a furtive hand job whilst I sucked on one of her breasts, okay? Happy now? - [GLASS SHATTERS.]
- [STU.]
Whoa! You know that porn you were talking about, Peter? That wasn't make believe.
That was real life.
That's actually happening to you right now.
You've been cuckolded.
Wait, what? You used your hall pass? You were supposed to tell me first.
Fuck you and fuck your dumb fucking face, you narcissistic preening asshole.
Who is he? Who is he? I will have him hung, drawn, and fucking quartered! You want me to tell you who it is in front of all these fucking freaks? Come on, I dare you.
Come on.
Would that get your wiener hard? - I'll tell.
- I dare you, you fucking - Someone in this room - Enough! You motherfuckers are crazy.
Talkin' the N word like you some high-minded Hollywood philosophers and we're just some visiting dignitaries from Planet Blackland.
You want to know the guidelines on the N word? Don't fuckin' say it.
Don't fuckin' write it down.
It's never gonna sound warm and fuzzy comin' from a white guy.
Plus, there's a certain artistry in its usage, and most white people are fuckin' tone-deaf.
- Well - [FLOYD.]
You wanna you wanna see white women get railed by black dudes while you play with your pale, sweaty balls? Be my guest.
But leave this nigga out of it.
Mister! Mister! Miss! [GASPING.]
Mr.
Teddy, he take big potty in pool! Oh, for fuck's sake, Irma.
English! Mr.
Teddy go shit in the pool! It's floating everywhere! [STU.]
All right, now we're talkin'.
[LAUGHS.]
tense hip-hop music [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[ESTHER LAUGHS.]
[BALLS.]
Hey, man.
Esther invited us to her restaurant for dessert.
You wanna come? - [HATCHBACK CLOSES.]
- Nah, I'm good, man.
You go have some fun.
But hey, close that shit, bro.
Hey, man, you lookin' at the last fuckin' Boy Scout, man.
I'm happy to take it slow.
'Cause when you rush things, you end up in a big bowl of chaos, you know what I mean? You know what? I said this a thousand times, but you a wise man, Balls.
You good? Yeah, I'm good.
A'ight, 'cause this shit was fuckin' crazy.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
I know.
I know.
Yo, I love being on the outside looking in, man, but I know it's not as much fun for you.
I'd trade places with you any day, Balls.
- Sorry, brother.
- [ENGINE TURNING OVER.]
Stay strong, man.
- Keep yo' dick in yo' pants.
- [CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
Hold on to your precious bodily fluid.
All right, okay.
Hey.
You okay over there? [SNIFFLES.]
Yeah, I'm good.
Crazy fuckin' night, huh? Yeah, I don't know what I expected coming back here.
Forgot what monsters they are.
I mean, this house must be built directly over a Hellmouth.
How long'd you work for him? A few years.
Just long enough to get caught up in all their dysfunction.
Just seemed like a great gig for an aspiring actress.
[SCOFFS SOFTLY.]
Well, you know what they say.
What do they say? Never hire a hot fuckin' nanny.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, wait, wait a minute.
This ain't no this ain't no setup, is it? Like, Teddy ain't gonna pop out with some confetti or no shit like that, right? - No, no.
- That ain't gonna happen? Teddy's gone, I promise.
- Word? - Yeah, he's gone.
He ain't gonna say "cut," right? - [LAUGHS.]
No, he's gone, I promise.
- Okay, all right.
Left me to get an Uber.
You know what? I'll give you a ride.
You sure? Yeah.
Come on.
Thanks.
- Hey.
- Mm.
- Don't expect me to fuck you, though.
- Okay.
[LAUGHS.]
Ah, look at you.
- [LAUGHS.]
- You laughin'.
I'm serious.
Nobody's getting any of this dick tonight.
Shirt's "Phantom (REDUX)" playing You wanna give me some head, though, I'm cool.
[LAUGHS.]
Nah, I'm just playin'.
[CHUCKLES.]
"No dick" policy stays.
[ENGINE TURNING OVER.]
[LAUGHTER.]