Whitney s01e04 Episode Script

Look at us Watching romantic movie on a Saturday night.
Okay.
Why is that chick wearing heels to a picnic? Can we just watch the movie? Okay, but can we just agree that all of that picnic stuff - didn't fit into that basket? - Right.
Maybe it was an important picnic to her.
She took two trips, so that's how all that got there.
Oh, sorry, I didn't realize she was your girlfriend.
Whit, we've had this movie for two weeks.
It's holding up our queue.
Can we just power through it? Okay, fine.
I'm done.
[Thunderclap on TV.]
- Okay.
- Yeah.
If we're ever in a rainstorm and you try to make out with me, I will leave you for an actual man.
Whitney is taped in front of a live studio audience.
You heard me.
Oh, hey, Lil.
That's a cute dress.
Is that new? Oh, crap.
This is my night gown.
Good, 'cause you look like you went to follow a noise in a horror movie.
Oh, my God.
I'm a mess.
I can't sleep, I can't find my cell phone.
Neal is sending major signals he's about to propose and it's making me crazy.
Can we just agree that proposals are outdated and lame? And representing the point of view of normal people, it's the most romantic moment in a woman's life.
Look what it does to you.
You're shaky, you're sweaty, you're nervous.
It's like you're being hunted for sport.
I heard that.
Who's being hunted? Lily thinks Neal's gonna propose.
Ooh! That's why you're falling apart.
Oh, sorry.
Hang on.
Just got a text from new guy.
We're getting pretty serious.
Where'd you meet him? Oh, we haven't met.
What does he look like? I do not know.
See, he commented on my comments on yelp.
This is what dating is like now.
You may need to kill me in my sleep.
Pretty sure the stranger you're texting with will take care of that.
Wait a second.
Wheels are turning.
Getting an idea.
What if I proposed to Neal? Oh, my God.
That is so romantic.
And so passive aggressive.
Do it.
You should not have to wait around for a guy to propose.
It's an antiquated tradition.
It's like Columbus day.
Oh, my God, I can't hear this one again.
He didn't discover anything.
Lily proposing is a terrible idea.
The worst! Unless--wait.
Is her goal to get engaged or destroy society as we know it? Okay, I can't believe you guys are against this.
I'm sure Neal would appreciate having the pressure taken off.
Yeah, it'll take the pressure off his jeans caused by having testicles.
I'm confused.
Proposals involve everything guys hate.
Jewelry and effort.
Yeah, but it's like the last romantic thing that guys get to be in control of.
Plus, if women were allowed to propose, every guy would get proposed to on the third date.
Do you really think women are that desperate to get married? Yes.
I can think of six women that I have dated who absolutely would've proposed to me If it had been socially acceptable.
The reason they didn't proposed you is 'cause that's not what you paid them for.
Watch.
I'll do a little recon.
I'll track down some of my exes, and prove it.
Why would any woman ever admit that to you? I always get people to tell me the truth, Whitney.
That's my job.
You're the worst cop ever.
Nah.
There's way worse cops than me.
I can't believe you're defending this old-fashioned romance nonsense.
I don't think it's nonsense.
I think it's kinda nice.
You do? No, you don't.
You're with me on this.
No, there's the way I am, and then there's you who hates love and hugs and feelings.
I have a very romantic side.
Maybe you just haven't bothered to unfurl it.
The last time I tried to hold your hand in public you acted like my hand was made of fire.
We shook, it was over.
And you gave up after being shot down once? What does that say about you, John cusack? Don't turn this around on me.
No, you don't turn this around on me.
I don't even know what that means.
No, I don't even know what that means.
Look, it's all right.
It's just, you know, I kinda had to give up on romance when I fell in love with you.
What kind of monster do you think I am? A pretty one? Ok, if I'm gonna propose to Neil, I need to think of a gift, like the male equivalent of a ring.
Okay, you're not allowed to weigh in on this.
Raw vegan good was your idea.
Is this gum? 'Cause I've been chewing this since we got here.
I only picked this place because texty might be here and I wanna get a good look at him.
Yeah, this is a bad plan.
He tweeted that he comes here a lot, not that he lives here.
Although, a lot of these people look like they live here.
How would you even know if it's him? He exudes a very specific blend of confidence and sexual energy in his texts.
When I see him I'll know.
Ooh, is that him? He wouldn't wear a hat.
All right, proposal gift.
Um, what do men like? Right, like I get down on my knees and give him a Anyone? Anyone but Whitney.
[Cell phone vibrating.]
Agh.
Look at this text from Alex.
"Thinking of you, baby.
X-O-X-O.
" - Aww.
- No, not "aww.
" Okay, he is trying to prove a point that I'm not romantic.
And I am romantic.
[Phone vibrating.]
This one says I love you.
Oh, he is such an ass! [Phone vibrating.]
He just sent a rose made out of text characters.
This is war.
Listen.
Kylee, you're not hearing me.
I am asking you if you would've proposed before I quote-unquote crashed your car into your other car.
Hello? Hello? Ah, dammit.
I lost her.
All of my exes have terrible reception.
Hi.
Did you get my texts? Did you hate them? No, I loved them Because I love you and I love love.
In fact, I was so touched that I got us matching heart lockets at things remembered.
You really wanna do this, huh? 'Cause, uh, I'll put mine on right now.
I'm never taking mine off.
Mine just ripped out some neck beard.
And I still love it.
SoI'm gonna go.
'Cause this is really weird.
- Your move, tough guy.
- Oh, yeah? Well, how about I take you out tomorrow night and get all kinds of crazy romantic on you? That sounds delightful.
Oh, it'll be delightful, all right.
It'll be the most romantically delightful night of your life.
Bring it.
Oh, I will.
Hey, your breath is crazy bad.
I just ate a burger made out of dirt.
But a real romantic would still wanna kiss his girlfriend.
So? Is this not the perfect place to find my proposal gift? I don't know, are you proposing to Neal or Harry Potter? I told you, okay? It's a tradition in some Indian weddings for the groom to present the bride's family with a ceremonial sword.
And I'm flipping the script.
[Clicks tongue.]
Maybe I can find something for my big date with Alex.
Ooh.
That dagger's on sale.
So you guys are basically playing a game of romantic chicken? He wants me to admit that I hate romance.
I mean, what kind of person would that make me? A you kinda person? You have got to stop texting him, Roxanne.
You're turning into a tween.
Ha! No, I'm not.
Okay, just leave me alone.
God! Okay, yeah, I'm gonna take a little break.
And I do not hate romance.
I just hate the fake stupid kind where we're supposed to pretend like it's still a thousand years ago.
I don't know.
Maybe it was a more romantic time.
Knights in shining armor Damsels in distress.
It was not more romantic back then.
It was terrifying.
You would just sit up in a tower all day, waiting for your dad to sell you to some guy for three goats.
It's better than one goat.
Welcome to World of Weaponry.
May I answer any questions for you? Yes, are we the first girls to ever set foot in this store? Um, I'm looking for a sword to give to my boyfriend as an engagement present Something classic and strong.
He also wears a lot of blazers if that's helpful.
I see.
I recommend the black steel warrior.
Classic symbol of the Japanese Samurai.
We just got some in from China.
I'll go grab one.
Are you sure I should do this? Am I gonna regret not having that special moment where he asks me? Well, you're gonna have a sword in your hand.
If you change your mind, you can make him ask you.
[Knocking.]
- Hey, what's up? - Hey.
All right, it wasn't easy, but I got you guys a table at Carvaggio.
It's the most romantic restaurant in Chicago.
Ah! Whitney's gonna hate it! Ah! I don't want her to blame me for something in our relationship that isn't a problem and not my fault.
Listen.
I've got big news about me and Lily.
I am gonna propose to her tonight at the Rose Garden in Grant Park.
It's where we met.
And, uh, I want you guys to come.
Oh, man, that's super romantic.
Thanks.
Lily's gonna love it.
And Whitney's gonna hate it! Here we are.
Just being romantic.
Finally.
All these wasted years.
Both of us just wishing the other one would be more romantic.
Me slightly more than you.
Because as the man says, love is the chain that binds two hearts together.
And that is a quote about love that I have always known.
That's beautiful.
Like your face.
I would like to sketch you.
Mm.
Just you and your locket.
But for now, I'll just settle on holding your hand.
Shhhh Kahh.
Or you can admit that I'm more romantic than you are and all this goes away.
That's gotta burn a little bit, right? Flower for the lady? You know what? No, my girlfriend hates roses.
Oh, I actually never said that.
I said that I think it's weird that men show women affection by ripping something beautiful out of the ground and making them watch it die very slowly.
It's totally different.
So no flower? Oh, no.
We'll take the whole bunch.
Bring it.
[Sniffing.]
Mm.
Probably gonna be a little more for the basket.
I don't know.
Here.
Thank you.
These are beautiful.
I love them.
Perhaps I'll hold them in my portrait.
Well, I love you.
To romance.
To romance.
Ah.
Yeah, this is how we drink now.
- Ah, what a night, huh? - Yeah.
Thanks for feeding my dessert to me.
You're welcome.
You sure the ride over here wasn't a bit much? No! Fft.
When you're pedaling for love You can get anywhere.
All right, well, this is the last stop of the night.
- So I hope you like it.
- Oh, a picnic! Where I will be Belly dancing? You read my mind.
And my heart.
[Violinist playing.]
[Operatic singing.]
[Swans quacking.]
Fine, fine! Fine.
Please stop.
You can go back in the bush.
Thank you very much.
Very, very good.
Go on.
Just go, go.
Go, swans.
Take it.
Okay, fine.
You win.
So you admit that you're not romantic? I guess.
I am sorry.
I mean, there must be something wrong with me.
I guess I'm missing a gene in my DNA that makes me think that all of this is magical.
I guess I have a dead soul.
But come on! This is the worst.
It's corny, it's cheesy.
I'm sweating.
I am having a physical reaction to how bad this is.
Wait, you don't think Lily's gonna like this? Neal? What? This is for Lily.
I'm proposing to Lily.
Where are my swans? Where's my guys? Wow, um, Lily is gonna love this.
It's great.
Swans? Swans? They're coming.
Could've used a heads up.
Why didn't I know about this? Yeah, I didn't wanna tell you 'cause I was afraid you might ruin it.
Hey.
Sorry we're late.
Did we miss it? No, they're on their way.
I gotta go find my swans.
I don't know what that means.
Alex, Whitney, I would like you to meet Shannon.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm Whitney.
- Shannon.
- Hey, how are you? - Nice to meet you.
Shannon and I dated for four months in college.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
You know, it's funny.
Here we are, about to witness a proposal happen, the way God intended it, and Shannon told me the most interesting thing today about proposals.
Do you remember? Oh, we were just talking about how if me proposing to Mark had been on the table back then I probably would've asked him to marry me.
That's so funny.
Isn't that funny? - I don't buy it.
- What? Your ex-boyfriend calls you up out of the blue, and you just give that up on day one? I don't think so.
I don't like what you're implying.
Don't sell women out like this.
How did he get you to come here tonight? He told me he'd get my brother's manslaughter sentence reduced.
I said I'd try.
And now I'm not going to.
Guys, she's coming.
She's parking the car.
I told her she was gonna be part of a flash mob.
Roxanne, come on.
Seriously? He's been blowing me up ever since I sent him naked pictures.
You sent naked photos of yourself to that guy? No! I sent him pictures of some porn star's boobs and said they were mine.
Her name was Roxanne, though, so.
Hi.
Neal? Lily? A year ago, I came here to a wedding I didn't want to go to and I knew that night that I had met my wife.
You make all of my days better and I don't ever want to spend another one without you.
Lily Tonight, back where I first set eyes on you, in front of all of our friends, will you please say that you'll marry me? Yes, I will.
Yes, yes, yes! [Cheering.]
That was so beautiful and touching and romantic.
Holy balls! Check it out.
Suck it.
Moved to tears.
Oh, who's romantic now, bitches? I'm sorry.
Congratulations.
You know what? This was perfect.
[Giggling, squealing.]
What are you smiling about? Did I mispronounce suck it? You see, I have feelings.
My heart's not made of stone.
- Yeah, because I softened it.
- What? Three years ago, all this would've made you vomit, all right.
But you met me and I turned on your heart light.
Oh, and may I politely invite you to suck it? How about we both suck it? UhOh.
What? "I will call the police if you don't stop sending "naked pictures of yourself to my son.
He is 15.
" Come on, I wanna go to bed.
Come on, one more time! I paid Lily like 300 bucks for this thing.
All right, fine.
- You ready? - Yeah.
I am the seventh daughter of the great shogun warrior.
I will now defeat you with my shaolin sword.
You have stained the honor of my family.
Ha, ha, ha.
Now you must taste my fury! I will-- I think we're done.