Why Are You Like This (2018) s01e04 Episode Script

[groaning and yawning]
[phone beeps]
[soft music]
[hip hop music]
[ambient music]
[electronic dance music]
[phone beeps]
What?
Good morning! How are you feeling?
Good morning!
I'm feeling pretty good.
I made you some fresh coffee!
Oh my god, that's so sweet.
Oh my god, come downstairs,
maybe someone made you
breakfast as well, blegh!
Blegh! [laughs]
[electronic dance music]
[phone beeps]
What?
How?
Therapy is incredible, Penny.
I've been feeling so much better.
[Penny] You've been going to therapy?
Well I went to therapy, once.
[Penny] When are you going again?
Again? No, no, no, no, I'm I'm cured.
[Penny] Ah, are you sure that's
[microwave dings]
Trust me, Penny.
I really have this whole depression
thing figured out and I just
No.
Thank you.
[Austin] Penny!
- Oh no.
- Not again.
[Penny] Austin, it's OK.
You cannot Marie Kondo again.
It'll be different this time.
How?
This time I have labels.
Oh God!
[music plays]
[Penny] See? It's OK. Penny help.
I know what's going to happen,
Penny, OK?
You are not going to finish.
Thank you.
[toy speaks]
And I am going to walk through trash
until I cave and put away all your shit.
I have been looking for a time when you
wouldn't be home,
but you haven't really been
..doing anything
or seeing anyone, or showering
I'm supposed to be practising for my
big drag comp this weekend, Penny.
It's this weekend?
Yes. I don't even
know what I'm going to do yet.
But your act is brilliant!
Yeah, it's brilliant if by "brilliant"
you mean it's shit,
and I'm shit and I'll lose.
Or I could do something
different, you know, and win.
If you really wanted to stand out,
you could do like a death drop.
No, Penny. This this competition,
it launches careers,
OK? I need to do more.
But I cannot think with that fucking Furby
staring at me.
Hungry! Ah, ah!
Flat white for John.
Early start again today?
You always bring the most
scintillating conversations.
Hey, I'm just showing you that
I care.
You know if you do care,
there's this whole jar.
I care about our unions too
much to undermine
the robust minimum wage in this
country.
Oh, it's an honour to meet an activist.
See you tomorrow, Mia.
Bye.
Fuck yeah, see you tomorrow.
Fucking hot as fuck!
Fuck yes!
- Oh, so hot!
- You talking to me?
God no, Charles.
Hey, we've got a new staff member
trialing today, so
And you didn't consult me?
What if you hired a psycho, Charles?
I I don't think she's a psycho.
Show me the psycho's resumé,
Charles.
Well fine.
Could you please just
finish up what you're
Yeah, sure.
[electronic music]
I can't think of anything.
[Penny] Mm.
I said, I can't think of anything.
- Excuse me!
- Hey.
I'm gonna get depression again
if you don't help me.
No, we'll figure it out.
No, you just
you keep getting distracted.
Can we just put all of this stuff in
the garbage?
Look, I'm very sorry that
there's a mess,
but I can't just throw all this stuff
in the garbage, Austin.
There's a war on waste.
I have to take my old phones
to a drop-off point.
I have to take my clothes
and sheets to
[Austin] Oh God, how does this thing
even
Hey!
Look, if you really
want to stand out,
you should just find something that
you're passionate about.
Mm, I'm listening.
Then we can find a unique angle on it,
and a fun way to express it.
Ooh, OK.
OK, so maybe a good place to start
is to ask yourself,
"Who am I?"
or "What is my truth?"
Easy.
So what have you got?
Gay.
Mm-hmm.
Gay boy.
Maybe let's try a vision board.
And this is where all the action is.
Not right now, but
oh, um, Maddie,
this is Mia.
Could you maybe just show
Maddie the ropes?
I want to go and do a milk run.
- Yeah, sure.
- Great. Thanks.
Hi, hi, hi.
It's impossibly nice to meet you.
Yeah, cool. So this is the computer.
You just type stuff on there.
This is you?
Me? Ex-squeeze-me!
You're Maddie UwU.
Ah, please don't bully me.
Why would I bully you?
This is great.
Oh! You're a fellow cosplay fan, too?
No.
I'm a fan of draining simps and their
anime boners of their expendable cash.
Oh yeah.
Yeah, totally. I'm getting all
of the cashola.
I'm not. I'm making that up. No.
There's like 200,000 guys on here that
would love to send you money.
Oh, no. No, I'm just in it
for the fun.
Besides, I just feel really gross
like asking men for money.
Never feel bad for exploiting
disgusting men.
I do get sent some pretty full-on
DMs, so
You know, I'm going to set this
whole thing up for you, OK?
Your whole life is about to change.
I made a new friend.
Yeah.
This is so meditative.
I love how introspective
it forces you to be, you know?
I wish I was dead.
Let's see what you've got.
Can you show me yours first?
OK. So my vision board is about
things I want to change in the world
and everything I'm passionate about, see?
Now you go.
It's good!
I like it.
Please don't spiral.
Maddie! Come here. We'll take a selfie.
[music plays in background]
Table 16's you.
Do you have a good mic?
I reckon we should do ASMR vids
for anyone paying 500 a month.
And when you've finished setting
up the Patreon, Mia,
I'd really like some help.
You're doing fine.
Table four needs spoons.
Sowwie!
What about - I've been really
into this Norwegian yoghurt lately.
Like if you have a grumbly tummy,
like yoghurt can help.
They've done studies.
So your message is
yoghurt science?
Well I don't know, Penny.
Can't I just do something you're
passionate about?
You're always going on about
"equal representation" this,
and "I'm a woman" that.
Like
Like who the fuck is this bitch?
She's not a bitch.
She's an advocate for improving education
in low income areas.
- She is amazing because
- Shut up.
Wait, that's it.
[Penny] What?
I think I have my idea.
- You have your idea?
- I have my idea!
What is it?
Poor.
Poor?
Yeah, like like the poor.
Like poor people.
Like like poverty.
Do you care about poverty?
I am poverty. I'm a starving artist.
Remember that time
I couldn't afford groceries?
Yeah, that was because you spent all
your money on Swarovski crystals.
Well they have to be genuine Swarovski,
otherwise they don't catch
the stage lights.
It's perfect.
It's raw, it's real
and my arse looks great in rags.
(YODA VOICE) Hard to put on,
this skirt is.
[laughs]
Let's do something
from 'My Hero Academia.'
Himiko is the obvious choice,
but I also do a really cute Mina Ashido
too.
Whatever you like, Toga or Pinky.
Whatever gets you shwifty!
What the fuck are you talking about?
We need to finish this before my
parents get home,
so we need to find the skimpiest shit
we can.
Right. Off.
This skirt and these ears.
Ah, I hate to be all bleh!
But they're actually antennae.
At least that's what's suggested
in the manga.
I don't know anything about antennae,
and I don't know anything about
- [whispers] Manga.
- ..Manga.
What I do know is that these guys
wanna fuck cats.
Will these do?
Meow, bitch.
Pose.
[meows]
Perfect. Bend. Bend.
Yes, you've got it. Yes.
['Malambo No. 1' by Yma Sumac plays]
Oh wow. I got bullied,
and I didn't even know.
Please clean your shit.
Yes, I'm getting to it.
Unbelievable.
Even I underestimated
how much these dweebs want to be
taken advantage of.
Jesus, Mia!
Rack city bitch!
Is she like thirteen?
[Mia] She's nineteen.
It's just filters making her
look like a cartoon baby.
I feel like this is crossing
some kind of line.
Yeah, that's where the money is -
over the line.
Creeps who are attracted to this
shit deserve to be taxed on it.
Right, Austin?
You're pimping a child.
- See?
- She's not a child.
Barely.
Would you rather them
be looking at actual children?
No.
Nerds?
Um, what happened?
Everyone here knows me.
Someone must have posted your work
address online.
Who would dox me?
Only a monster.
Don't worry, these waifu pillow fuckers
scare easy.
I won't let them near you.
Mia, thank God.
Can you refill the coffee hopper?
Hi, what can I get you?
Just a hot chocolate, please.
And, um, could you do the face?
Oh!
Awesome! Awesome!
Ah, OK, that's enough.
Maddie, go hide.
Don't you have some My Little Pony jar you
should be jizzing into or something?
Bye!
Oh, thank God. Someone normal.
If another creep starts fawning over
[John] Yeah, yeah, um,
flat white.
Hey Maddie.
Early start again today?
Yeah, I started like 6:00.
So funny. You're so funny.
[echoes] You're so funny.
You're so funny.
[distorted sounds]
No.
Thank you.
Thank you.
[toy speaks]
Thank you.
Austin, we've been burglarized.
No, no, no, no, no,
I just cleaned up.
What'd you do with my stuff?
[Austin] Well I needed
space to practise being poor.
Pretending to be poor.
I mean, I am poor.
Just not like, you know, poor, poor.
Not that I'm judging the poor poor.
Do you want to help me
diamante a potato sack?
I'd only just worked out what was
sparking joy.
You undid all my hard work.
I only threw out the stuff
you were going to trash.
- The stuff in the living room?
- Yeah.
Yeah, that was all my stuff.
Oh.
Damn it, Austin!
All I've been doing this whole time
is trying to support you.
And now I
..will continue.
Oh my god, I'm so glad you're not mad.
I really thought you were
gonna let me have it, Penny. Jesus.
Um, so I'll meet you and Mia
at the drag competition tonight?
I don't have any clothes!
[Austin] Borrow some of mine.
Do you have anything appropriate?
You need to see this.
This is one of our patrons.
He has a daughter that's Maddie's age.
This is some great detective work,
Mia.
Well this one works for the government
and this one's a surgeon.
And all these people pay you money
for child-adjacent porn?
I thought I was shaking down
a specific subset of men.
You know, grown adults who search
"teen" on Pornhub.
But it's like it's all of them.
How is this news to you?
Why do you think most girls age out of
doing porn when they turn 19?
Ah, they don't age out.
They book MILF jobs
until they're like
Oh no.
It's all men.
It's society.
Why this?
I need to borrow some clothes.
- Yeah, please. Go nuts.
- Thank God.
Austin's convinced his depression's cured,
but I know he's hanging on by a thread.
And I can't handle that
when I look like a circus orphan.
[computer chimes]
Hey. Are you OK?
I'm OK.
There were some guys waiting
after we closed,
so Charles drove me home.
But Maddie feel better after snuggles
with Mr. Mumbles!
OK.
Ah, you should stay home
while I figure out who doxed you.
It's not safe at the café anymore.
I'll let Charles know you quit.
Ah, no, I can definitely still come in
- Someone doxed Maddie?
- Yeah.
And when I find the fucker I'm gonna
Oh.
It was me.
[electronic dance music]
Honestly, I love Maddie,
but if says that she's Pickle Rick
one more time,
I'm gonna slit my fucking throat.
Girls!
Austin!
It's Natalie Pov-Man.
Austin, you look so good.
[phone rings]
[Mia] Hey, rich baby!
This is so exciting. How are you feeling?
Penny, I feel like like so, so good.
Like this is just gonna be so different
to what anyone else is doing.
Yay!
Actually, can you come to the
bathroom with me?
I need help getting this bodysuit off,
and I think I gotta take a nervous shit.
- OK!
- Thank you.
[Maddie] Mia, I don't know what to do
- Maddie, it's OK. Just slow down.
- My timeline's flooded with abuse.
I keep getting all these messages
from people calling themselves
the thot patrol.
They're threatening
to get my accounts banned.
Incels!
They love free speech until a woman
uses it do so something sexy online.
Do you wanna come over and
I don't know, figure this out
over some milkshakes?
I can't.
For so many reasons.
But I will not let these bastards
silence us.
Maybe this whole thing was a bad idea.
[Mia] No, it's all fine.
They've got no real power.
These incels cannot touch us.
[Austin] OK, so I'm sad dancing
and then it's all like resumés, resumés,
resumés,
like out to the audience.
Then boom!
I find a gold nugget. Crack!
Nugget opens up and it is full of money,
money, money.
So it's like a rags to money nugget story,
you know.
Shhh!
Shh! You shhh!
Austin, look.
Is that Paddington Bareback?
[soft instrumental music]
What? What is she
[Emcee] Oh, folks,
give it up for Paddington Bareback,
with her piece, "My Heart Attack and the
Stupid Bitch in the Dumb Beret."
How about that, eh?
It was raw. It was real.
And her arse looks fantastic,
and it's got
Oh no.
- Is everything OK?
- Yeah, no,
I'm just gonna go back this way, Penny,
because I'm having you know,
a little panic attack.
Would you just excuse me
for a moment?
[Mia] Penny get this.
A bunch of self-sucking
subreddit pieces of shit
have gone up to Maddie and
Ugh, God!
It's heart attack boy.
[exhales] Oh my god.
What am I going to do, Penny?
My career is over. I'm screwed.
No, it's not. You're amazing.
You're amazing.
How am I gonna stand out now, huh?
Having a heart condition
trumps poor people every time!
No! It's raw. It's real.
That is the stupidest thing
I've ever heard in my crap life!
If I wanted to be real
I could have just done a death drop
and then called myself Big Hot Slut.
Can you even do a death drop?
Austin! You're up next.
And our next act has had
a last-minute name change.
Lose your absolute minds
for Big Hot Slut!
Whoo!
I'm not human, I'm the best ♪
Not saying I'm the best ♪
But I got tricks you should see ♪
And I like kisses ♪
Fuck the rest ♪
There's a demon, I'm possessed ♪
Nothing can save me now ♪
What's he doing?
Spiraling.
Every time we touch ♪
Every time we touch ♪
Every time we touch ♪
I'll make you feel like ♪
I'll make you feel like ♪
I'll make you feel like
everyday is your birthday ♪
I'll make you feel like ♪
I'll make you feel like ♪
I'll make you feel like
everyday is your birthday ♪
[music slows, echoes]
[gasping]
[cheering and applause]
[Drag queen] Are you OK?
Big Hot Slut!
Ooh
You know, at least I stood out.
Yeah, you know, you did.
And if you didn't give yourself
a concussion,
you could have won.
Yeah, it was all like super brave of me,
I think,
and so does my therapist.
Hey, did you trash my nail clippers?
Yeah, I trashed it all, babe.
I'm sorry.
Penny, there is so much plastic here.
This is like really bad
for the environment.
[gasps]
That is a popcorn machine!
Hey, so did Madeleine say
anything about why she quit?
I guess it just wasn't a good fit.
She was good.
I mean, the customers liked her.
They really liked her.
Well, if you speak to her,
just tell her she's welcome back
any time if she changes her mind.
[slow beat plays]
[John] Maddie in today?
No.
And all her accounts have been suspended,
so you can give up on any hope
trying to see how big her nipples are.
They got suspended?
How?
Thot patrol came after her, I guess,
for being sexy and having fun.
Oh man. The internet is fucked.
They love naked women until
the women actually get something from it.
Anyway, I'm sorry about the patriarchy,
dude.
[phone vibrates]
Gimme a sec.
Hey, Maddie. I know. I saw.
What the frick am I gonna do?
You can keep all the tip money
that we made the other day.
I don't need my cut.
Actually, do you think it would be
coolie-oolies if I came back to the café?
No.
Charles is really mad that you quit.
Bye.
One, two, three, four ♪
[rock music plays]
[inaudible dialogue]
Still a pedophile.