With Bob & David (2015) s01e04 Episode Script

1 - Whoa! Look at that guy.
- Are those devil sticks? Oh, yeah, looks dangerous.
It's like Cirque du Soleil.
But better.
It's like a one-man show.
Yeah, it's like a one-man show.
Whoa! That's cool.
It's the law of the jungle.
Do you understand? You understand.
Do you understand? That's what brought you two guys together.
Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready to meet the stars of our program? Please keep it going for Bob Odenkirk and David Cross! Thank you, thank you.
We are having such a good time doing this show.
Uh, I just I feel refreshed.
I just got back from my house where I hung out with my Oh, shit, sorry.
Sorry.
Turn your cell phones off.
Don't Oh, it's fuckin' Donny.
You guys, hang on.
Let me put it on speaker.
You guys Hang on.
You guys know about my asshole brother.
All right.
- What's up? - Hey.
Hey, Donny, I'm here with Bob.
What? Yeah, we're We're doing the show that I do with Bob.
You know, the thing I've been taping all week.
- Yeah.
I know, dude.
- And why Yeah.
So - What? - I know it.
I need the password.
I - All right.
Just go talk to him.
- All right.
Hang on one second.
Sorry.
Jesus.
You know I'm in the fucking show, right? Uh, so, yeah.
We've been dealing with that all week.
Fuck, I know this is gonna go on now for fucking who knows how long, 'cause Donny is a fuck-up.
Um It's too bad because, uh Especially tonight, uh But it's not Not that this is a great episode.
This is actually the weakest of the four.
But our moms are here, uh I mean, uh, you know what? I'll tell you something.
Fuck him.
Uh There's a bit that I've always wanted to do that David hates, says it sucks.
Um, can I get a chair? Is there an extra chair? Oh, awesome, you knew.
Um, okay, what if, um What if the cast of Seinfeld was in Star Wars? We take you now to an Upper West Side far, far away.
Uh-oh, here comes Darth Kramer.
Whoa! Whoa! Isn't my son wonderful? Yes, he is.
I wish David had shown a little more responsibility, running out the way he did.
But I am proud of my kids.
Where's Princess Elaina? I know what you mean.
Bob's brother is a car salesman.
But I think Bob's almost equally successful in my eyes.
Yeah, Yoda, Yoda, Yoda.
I know just what you're talking about.
David has this little show, but his brother, Donny, is really coming up in the entertainment industry, too.
I now have two sons in show business.
Equal successes all around.
- We're amazing moms! - Oh! You're watching Amazing Moms! Tonight, we're going to meet a mother who raised two equally-talented and successful children.
Meet Susan Cross and her equally amazing boys.
I don't know what I did so right.
These two are storming Hollywood and setting the world on fire.
David is scribbling his latest TV special or book or whatever, and that's nice.
And Donny is working equally as hard.
He even has a day job working for a famous celebrity.
Listen.
Hey, Donny.
I gotta go to the editing suite, and then I have a rehearsal, then I have a photo shoot, okay? So, I need you to go to the store and pick some stuff up, okay? I hired my older brother to be my assistant.
Uh It was my amazing mom's idea.
What is the point of having a personal assistant if you're not gonna do anything? - Yeah, dude, I got it.
- All right.
Cigarettes and barbecue sauce? What did you say? No, I didn't say either! Uh, I'm writing it down.
You know, I'm busy and he's a good guy at heart.
And, uh, you know, he wants to be in show business, so He is in show business.
Uh - So - He's a big help.
All right, I'm writing TP twice, all right? One is toilet paper and the other is toothpaste.
You can remember Oh, fuck it, I'll write 'em both down.
Dude, I dropped a serious bomb in there, bro.
Like, I'm-gonna-have-to- take-a-shower kind of thing.
Great, good stuff.
All right, here.
Here's the list, all right? Now just run down to the store and get that shit, please.
Thank you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! No bueno, bro.
Remember? Yeah, I mean, Dave's doing what he's doing and that's fine, but I kind of think bigger.
I've got all these great ideas for shows and, um, you know, with the drawn ones, cartoon ones, and all kinds of stuff, you know, and I Look, if the fucking legal system would co-operate, then, yeah, I'd be kicking his ass all over Hollywood, but, you know, thanks, Obama.
All right, I'll just I'll call it in, and then we'll have it delivered, all right? Hand me the phone, please? Yeah, one second.
Donny, the phone, please.
It's right next Jesus Christ! - Oh, son of a bitch.
- All right, look.
I'm gonna order this stuff, okay? All you gotta do is be here when they're delivering, okay? I got it.
I'm gonna remember later, all right? After I take my shower.
Bro, I gotta take one of my world-famous showers.
- Don't deny me my shower rights.
- Fuckin' hilarious! All right, just be here for the delivery.
I'm gonna call it in.
Here's 50 bucks.
Give it You know what, actually, I'm gonna swing by the store on my way to work, and I'll pay for everything.
I'm just gonna call this in now, all right? And you just All you gotta do is be at Donny, you're gonna be here to answer the door.
That's all you have to Yes, hi, this is David Cross.
Uh, I wanted to call in an order.
- Half and half, olives - Ta-ta! - King of the jewels.
- two TPs.
Somebody will be here for it, yes.
Somebody will be here for it.
Yes? - Ta-ta! - Okay.
"Ta-ta" means yes.
All right.
So, thank you.
Nah, I don't look up to David so much as I look up to Matthew McConaughey and his equally-talented brother.
And in that respect, I think I'm more like Matthew McConaughey and David's more like Matthew McConaughey's equally-talented brother.
Listen, tell them about your show.
We're always hearing about David's shows.
People should know about your show equally.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, um I've been kind of working on this one-man show that's like Cirque du Soleil meets one-man show.
David can help you with that.
He can call Steven Spielberg.
Yeah, well, tell him to do it, I mean, I've asked him a bunch, you know, but he doesn't do shit for me.
Hey, it doesn't harm to try.
What? Donny! God damn it.
Donny! Two wonderful sons storming Hollywood and setting the world on fire.
I don't think I'd call myself amazing, but I think my two boys are equally talented in every way! Later on Amazing Moms My boys have always been like twins.
Just the same exact interests and talents.
And now I've got two famous racing car drivers in this family.
I'm amazing.
My two girls, I am so proud of both of them.
I mean, one is the head of neurology at Kempton-Blair Brain Institute and the other is an aromatherapist in Ojai.
Two doctors in one family.
Thank you very much.
- We done here? I got an emergency.
- Oh! I need ten cc's of lavender oil and cinnamon.
Siddhartha, get me two dream catchers, stat.
Sunshine, tell me you've got some goddamn floral water and heartwood or I'll break both your fucking legs! All right, Mr.
Reynolds.
Now, I've done this operation a few times, but I have to warn you, there's a 30% chance you'll lose your leg.
- So, a 70% chance of success? - Yeah.
You seem pretty sure of yourself.
Well, I'm 70% sure.
Okay, 70-30.
All right, I like those odds.
I'm in for 50.
- Fifty what? - Fifty dollars.
I'm not betting you on this.
- Why not? - It's ridiculous.
And I'll lose.
Come on.
Fifty bucks says you fuck it up.
Oh, so you're taking the long odds.
Yeah, yeah.
So, you're saying that if I fuck it up, uh, then I have to pay you? - Exactly.
- Oh, great.
I'll take that deal.
Better get to an ATM, smartass.
- I can do this.
- Okay.
The sweet smell of greenbacks.
It's beginner's luck, Reynolds.
Aw, somebody upset 'cause they lost some money? Fuck you, one leg.
All right.
Come on, man, double or nothing.
- What? What's the bet? - Yeah.
Same bet, other leg.
- You're crazy.
- And you're chickenshit.
There's nothing wrong with your other leg.
"There's nothing wrong with your other leg.
" That is the mating call of a coward.
You know what? You're on, asshole.
Oh, come on.
All right, great.
All right, all right.
You had a little bit of a streak, but it's over now.
What do you mean "it's over"? All your legs are gone.
Yeah, I can see that.
I got two eyes.
Speaking of which, I got two eyes.
I am not qualified to operate on eyes.
Ooh, I like the sound of that.
Let me put this in terms you'll understand.
If I operate on your eyes, there's a 99% chance I'll fuck it up.
Yeah, but if you don't fuck it up, you're gonna get $99 for every dollar you bet.
I'd take those odds if I were you, Doc.
You can make a lot of scratch.
Nurse, prep the OR.
Cha-ching! Lift the cornea just so Swab.
There's a lot riding on this.
All right, Mr.
Reynolds.
Let's see what we got here.
How many fingers am I holding up? I don't know and I'm never gonna know, but there better be 100 bucks in 'em.
God damn it! You are the luckiest son of a bitch! Hey, there's a sucker born every minute, huh? Where are ya? - I gotta ask ya.
- Yeah? You've won an awful lot of money off me and your various surgeries.
What do you plan to do with all of it? Well, I'm gonna do something I've always wanted to do since I was a kid.
I'm gonna go to Scotland and I'm gonna take a sight-seeing hike up the Oh.
You are hereby recognized as Grand Kleagle Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan.
Great.
Now I can finally be President of the United States of Amer Oh Now that I scalped my tickets to Banes & Dunfrey, I can finally afford to go see Banes and Oh Hey, Country, where you think you goin'? I'm just going to get some provisions.
The boys are comin' over.
Hold your horses, son.
I got a better way.
Well, you can keep your fancy cheese and wine I don't need nothin' special for my good time I ain't high-class Just a simple country breed 'Cause me and the boys We like keepin' it real Crackin' us a cold brew and kickin' up our heels It's a simple life Just a few little things I need A case of Miller or Bud will do A rack of ribs and a pack of chew Cold Buds and barbecue This here's all I need I hope you're gettin' this down! I said a case of Miller or Bud will do A rack of ribs and a pack of chew Family-sized detergent and dryer sheets Two loaves of bread and assorted lunch meats Olive oil, eggs, toothpaste, and floss Toilet paper, Windex Never mind the cost But nothing too fancy That's everything I need But since you're already passin' by the pharmacy Why don't you grab me some Prilosec and Vitamin C Shampoo, conditioner Some 30 sunscreen My girl needs tampons and antihistamine Kalamata olives and chamomile tea Some artisanal Cronuts And be sure they're gluten-free I gotta have this stuff Are you writin' it down? I need it all yesterday, so stop fartin' 'round Go to Whole Foods Don't want no Costco shit And lose the stupid child seat It's all got to fit And best not forget some fancy cheese and wine It's gotta be the finest for my good time Yeah! Welcome to the show.
As promised, today we have the first-ever live interview with Cory Ceitful, the wonder kid.
For those of you who don't remember, little Cory went into a coma for one week after an emergency appendectomy.
He was clinically dead for five days.
When little Cory came to, his parents and his doctors were shocked when he talked about his time in Heaven.
Cory wrote a global bestseller last year, Heaven is Totes for Realz.
Okay! Check under your seats, y'all, because you are going home with a free copy of this baby.
Yes, indeed.
Joining me today on the show is Cory and his parents, - Josh and Tonya.
- Hi.
- Hi, Cory.
- Hi.
I loved your book.
My daughter had a question for you.
She wanted to know, what does Heaven smell like? Um, like cake and sunshine.
- Aw! - "Cake and sunshine.
" I wanna go.
I bet you were excited to go to Heaven.
Yes, I was excited because everybody was there! God said he loves all of his children.
Aw! - And my pop-pop was there! - Your pop-pop? Yeah, and Dina, there's no way Cory would know what his pop-pop looked like.
My father, his grandfather, passed away when I was seven.
And yet, he described him right down to his cowlick.
- Cory, tell Dina about the golden light.
- Yeah.
Oh, yes, I remember that there was a golden light.
And God wanted me to come to him where the light was.
I got to play with everybody.
All my old family and a baseball player named Babe Ruth.
- Yeah.
- You got to meet Babe Ruth? - Yeah, it's all in the book.
- Yep.
And a girl I played with - named Anne Frank.
- Yeah.
Aw! And a man with a funny mustache named Hitler and a nice lady named Mother Teresa Hold on a second.
Did you say you met Hitler in Heaven? Uh, it's Adolf Hitler, and he had a funny mustache and he talked funny.
No, honey, that can't be right.
- There was no Hitler there.
No.
- Yeah, that's not in the book, folks.
Yeah-huh! And there was a nice man named Jeffrey Dahmer, - and a Mr.
Gacy.
- No.
- Oh, and John Denver.
- Yeah Folks, these are Cory's memories, okay? - Folks, these are not ours.
- They're not ours.
They're not ours.
Yeah, you know what? Hold on.
I think I know what happened.
Cory, I think you're confused, sweetie.
I think you went to Hell.
- Yeah, that's it.
- Yeah.
- He went to Hell.
That's it.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
No, no! There is no Hell.
No, no, no, Cory.
No, no! Listen to the nice lady, now.
You stopped by Hell for a few seconds.
Yeah.
See, just the good people go to Heaven, sweetie.
- Yeah, only the good people.
- But Jesus said he loves all of his children and everybody goes to Heaven, no matter what.
- No, no, no.
Folks, he's just - No, no.
He's just a kid.
He's just a kid.
- And this is not what our feelings are - No, no.
- Okay.
- on this issue.
- Honey, maybe you're mistaken - Yeah.
- about what you saw? - Yeah.
No.
Well, then, maybe you're lying.
But, I did go to Heaven and Jesus did say that.
- No.
- No.
- Boo, Cory.
Boo.
- Yeah.
Boo.
- I agree.
Boo.
- Boo.
No.
We will not sit here and have you mock God - as some all-forgiving monster! - No.
No.
No way.
- Right! Yes! - Boo! Boo! Yes! - Get him.
Get him.
- Throw it at him.
- Boo! - Yes! - Those are his thoughts.
- Yes! I think it's illegal what he said, or ought to be! Everyone knows there's a Hell.
Without a Hell, Heaven wouldn't be as nice.
Shame on him.
Well, there is a scientific explanation for this.
It's my educated guess that Cory did go to Heaven, but once there, the devil kidnapped Jesus and disguised himself as Jesus, and then hypnotized Cory into believing all of this.
This whole thing has brought our country to a standstill.
But we need to put our emotions aside, come together and let the healing begin.
That is why I've proposed Legislation 43329 to send little Cory back to Heaven.
Hopefully, he'll pay attention and get it right this time.
The procedure is known as voluntary cardiac arrest.
What we'll do is ice down Cory's heart to the point where he will "die.
" I don't know why I'm doing air quotes.
He will die.
We're just waiting on parental consent, and then we're good to go.
Yep.
Oh, yeah, sounds good.
Cory's sequel is on shelves, Now, That's What I Call Heaven.
Audio book read by Jeffrey Tambor.
"So, then, Mommy and Daddy tolded me about a special place for kids like me, and it was Heaven, and then she said about Jesus, because of before " Don't listen to that.
You're not gonna learn anything.
Let's go sell some books.
They say door-to-door is over.
I say Internet's a boondoggle.
As long as you got doors - We'll still be around.
Yeah, yeah.
- We'll still be around.
Uh, no, thank you.
I once sold brushes Uh I went out with ten brushes in my kit.
Came home, I had 12 brushes.
That was my worst day.
I bought two brushes.
- I was selling products for dogs.
- Yeah.
I brought a dog with me thinking it would help sell the products.
- Yeah.
- Everyone wanted to buy the dog.
No one bought a product.
I sold four dogs, but I ended up taking them out of backyards.
Oh! Worst day ever? Never had a bad day.
Come on.
Never had a bad day.
- I'll tell you about my best day.
- Yeah.
Cousin got me this job.
No walking around, no traveling, no case, just sitting in a room.
- Nice.
- Little bags of white powder.
- Guys coming in Huh? No.
- Detergent.
Detergent.
Deodorant? Soda? - Kool-Aid mix? - No.
They'd take a syringe and put it in and they were happy to see me.
- It's heroin.
Heroin.
- Heroin, that's it.
Heroin.
Oh, heroin.
- That was That was a great day.
- Sold out.
May we come in? Oh.
I'm on a cold streak.
I could not sell ass to a dog.
Right, kid? And you can't tell from looking at me, though.
You never let 'em see you sweat.
That's I got these damn sweat glands.
As soon as I can have them removed, I will get that surgery.
You ride in a car for as long as we've ridden in a car - you gotta wear a diaper.
- Why can't you I mean, you can pull over.
We're selling.
We don't have time to stop.
He'd be sliced from knees to nipples, just bleedin' him out.
- I'm never gonna murder nobody.
It's - You'll do it.
- No, it's - You'll do it, at some point.
Okay.
Uh-uh, hon, no, take that back.
No more for my friends.
They haven't earned it.
Okay, I've heard enough excuses to fill a boat and sail it to Morocco, all right? Probably get a good price, too.
You are selling the greatest product ever invented.
Religion.
You can't sell that well, then you're a piece of shit.
A piece of shit on the bottom of a turd's shoe.
Okay, so, here's what we're gonna do, ladies.
We're gonna pull up our hoop-skirts, you're gonna get on your scooters, you're gonna put your little tea set away, we're gonna go down to the lipstick store, put lipstick all over us, get some nice eye shadow, in case Chad Huntley is at the park, 'cause he's the cutest boy and he wants everyone to notice him, doesn't he? Wipe your tears with your little apron, then take your tutu off, get back on your tricycle and ride away and sell me some books! Now, the person who sells me the most books by the end of the night is gonna get the prize.
Whoa! - Yeah.
- Steak dinner.
- Look at that.
- Oh! Porterhouse steak, little horsey sauce.
Ah-ah-ah! Put that back.
All right, ladies.
Back to the drawing boards.
Let's go.
I wanna see those panties on the run.
Get your tutus off! These leads are shit! You shouldn't be so negative.
You know what you have to teach me? Nothing.
Uh, I'm Rick, this is Lawrence.
- Hello.
- You wouldn't be interested in the best-selling book of all time, would you? Oh, I don't know.
What book is it? Uh, it's a holy book.
He's right.
Listen to him Don't listen to the peanut gallery.
It's a little cold out.
- Could we come inside? - Oh, sure.
- Yes, come in.
Come in.
- Oh, what? - Beautiful house.
- Thank you.
Oh, nice tea.
So, what is the name of the book that you're selling? Well, it's not The tea is very nice.
Can we just show her it? - No, no.
- Yes, I'd like that.
Thank you.
- Here you go.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
Oh! - Oh, it's the Qu'ran? - Yeah.
- I'm not Muslim.
- Okay.
- All right - But my husband is.
Hold on.
He's a Muslim, and he's gonna be back in a little bit.
- If you wanna wait - No, that's fine.
- You wanna wait? Sure.
- Yeah, no.
Yeah, please.
- Why? - Because Let me get you some fresh tea.
- This is good.
- Well, now, we gotta sit here.
- Because her husband's gonna be back.
- So what? He's Muslim.
It don't matter.
He ain't gonna buy it, and you're wasting our time.
We could be out there right now, pounding the pavement.
Pocket kings.
- Uh! You win again.
- You let me.
Oh, hi, honey.
Hello, Mr.
Darnell.
Hey, who are these guys, Ginny? Ease your mind, sir.
We're not here to rape your wife.
Uh - This book The bestseller - They're salesmen.
- Let's Can we show him? - No.
Honey, I think you'll be very interested.
Uh, point two gram weight for every page, which is - Oh, wow, that's perfect.
- Very nice.
- Too heavy, probably - Top of the line.
Pictures, color pictures.
- That is great.
- Isn't it? It's a little too nice.
Well, I am third-generation Muslim.
We're helping start a small mosque, so we're gonna need a lot of Qu'rans.
Well, we'll get out of your hair then.
No, no, I'm saying that we're gonna need some.
- You're gonna buy 'em anyway.
- I'm gonna buy 'em anyway.
You guys are here, why not from you? - It's probably outside your budget.
- No.
I could skip a round of golf on Saturday.
- We'll make it work.
Yeah.
- We'll make it work.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's all right You're not interested.
That's fine.
No, no, I'm interested.
This is great.
I mean But you don't wanna buy any, do you? Yeah, no, that's what I'm telling you.
I'd like to buy some.
- Perhaps multiple.
- Ah! - Well, we got a mosque going, so - We're also Could I talk to my partner for just a second here? - Absolutely, yeah.
- Thanks.
I should get the checkbook.
This is great.
Did you hear what he said about the mosque? I never got this far in a sale, kid.
I don't I don't know what to do.
I'm gonna go wait in the car.
- We're really loving this Qu'ran.
- Oh, yeah, it's beautiful.
All right, come on, tiny-teeny, get in here, let's go.
All right.
We got ourselves a winner.
Let's hear it for the new kid.
Seven holy books in one day.
That's a new record.
Good job, kiddo.
Enjoy! Ha-ha! - Enjoy it.
- Same steak from this morning? Yeah, sure.
You want some? I'll have one, uh, one fly if, uh - if you can spare it.
- No, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
- He's moving.
Get him.
Stab him.
- He Get him.
Yeah, that one.
Oh, yeah, that one, that one.
Lord, thank you for this bounty.
I do not deserve this great gift.
Amen.
Seinfeld Star Wars! Seinfeld Star Wars! Seinfeld Star Wars! Seinfeld Star Wars! Whoa! Talk about a comedian in an X-wing fighter getting coffee.
We gotta explode the Death Star, R2-George-2.
You shut up, Kramer Vader.
Bob, sorry I'm late.
My brother No, no, no, no, no, no.
You are not doing the "If Seinfeld was in Star Wars" bit.
I've been doing it for a half an hour and it's killing.
Yeah, just ask your mom, huh? Seinfeld Stars Wars is a masterpiece.
David, you are a big disappointment to all of us, to everyone in this room.
Now, come on.
Let's show him that we like it.
Seinfeld Star Wars! Seinfeld Star Wars! Come on.
You guys.
Oh, hello, Newbacca.
Fuck that shit, Bob.
There's a guy in the parking lot playing devil sticks.
It's like a mixture of Cirque du Soleil meets Matthew McConaughey's older brother.
- Come on, everybody! - Come on! Really? Really? Mom? Bob's mom Devil sticks.
Really? You're just gonna hear 311 on a shitty boombox.
Really? Come on.
God damn it.
Well R2-D2 and C-3PO.
Who are these people? Hi, Jesus.
Hi, Mohamed.
Not the Prophet Muhammad.
Mohamed Atta.
I'm so proud of all of my kids.
Equal successes all around.
I'm an amazing mom.