Work in Progress (2019) s01e04 Episode Script

1 [NARRATOR.]
Previously on Work in Progress.
We're gonna have sex tonight, [ABBY.]
This bitch at work, she's like, "I went to Costco and got you almonds.
" - Tell me what you said.
- Chill out, dude, - I didn't say anything.
- Dude? You've got to talk to Dad.
He's getting married.
I had an ex, and I thought she loved me.
- I'm Melanie.
- Melanie! Ah, you've got me so fucking hot.
Oh, my God! Babe, your eye! Just one more time, and then I'll go to the ER, okay? - How big a boy are you? - Oh, shit.
Got two sevens in a Goddamn it.
[CAMPBELL.]
I'm an idiot.
When you can't speak straight It don't matter what you built You had sex.
Campbell.
- You had sex.
- Please stop.
You had sex.
You had sex! You had sex! Campbell.
- She had sex.
- Oh, jeez.
[CAMPBELL.]
You know what I'm saying? - Campbell, please, please.
- You're not denying it.
Girl, why would I deny it? How was it? Awkward.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Yeah, no fucking shit.
Okay.
[LAUGHS.]
- That's fair.
- Yeah, I know.
I mean, it was all right, I mean, he was good, like good, good but.
I want details.
In what universe, do you think I would ever give you details? All right, just some details.
Campbell, I had sex! Not everything about me has changed.
Okay, fine.
Except it's been like what, 10 years? [ABBY.]
Seven.
Oh, jeez.
Oay, seven.
Well, this is fucking awesome.
- Thank you.
- [CAMPBELL.]
You broke the curse.
I wouldn't really call it a curse, all right? Hmm, I would.
You think it's gonna happen again? It already did.
Boo kay.
Boo to the kay.
I know! [LAUGHS.]
Who are you, exactly? Honestly, I don't have a fucking clue.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
["I'M INTO SOMETHING GOOD" PLAYS .]
Hey, man, nice shirt, dawg.
Woke up this morning, feeling fine Hi, you're tall, I like it.
Hello.
Hi.
Hey, girl, how's it going?! Yeah! [GASPS.]
Georgia! Hi, girl! Hi.
How are you? Yeah.
Keeping it real, all right.
See you guys later.
What up, girl? Good to see ya.
Never met ya, but it was fun.
Wait, just to be clear, these are good injuries, right? Campbell, yeah.
He's not hurting me.
I'm hurting me.
It's not just like riding a bike, I'll tell you that much.
And I told him I could Next week, and I told him I could Something tells me I'm into [THUD.]
[ABBY, IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
Hi, how are you? Fine.
Ignorant bitch.
I fucking hate bathrooms.
Really, well you spend enough time in them.
That woman over there just gave me that whole, "Are you in the right bathroom look.
" That still happens? Yeah, Aly, it still happens.
Well I didn't think that it would happen here.
What are you talking about, it happens everywhere.
It's happened to me in gay bars.
- What? Come on.
- I'm serious.
Every single time I go into a public bathroom, I feel unsafe.
I even do my [IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
"Hi, how are you?" voice, you know, so she can know that I'm - Julia Child? - A lady.
I'm a lady.
- Oh, okay.
Abby - Fuck.
People are ignorant.
You just gotta try and rise above.
Yeah, rise above, totally.
Don't be late to your junior league meeting, you fucking cunt.
That was her.
- [ALY.]
God I hope so.
- Yeah, I guess I Abby, you know that I hate that word.
- [ABBY.]
What? Cunt? - [SIGHS.]
You know that I hate that word and you use it all the time.
I love cunt, I mean the word.
I mean, maybe I'll even be able to slip it into a toast at Dad's wedding.
Okay, please don't make that any weirder than it already is.
- It is weird, right? - Mm-hmm.
I mean he goes and meets this Carol Anne.
- Carol Lynn.
- Carol-whatever.
And then they decide to get married? Well, I mean in his defense, it's not like Dad has a ton of time to get to know somebody.
Girl, that is dark, and I like it.
Ooh, don't forget: he's gonna call us with the wedding plans.
Yeah, you've told me like, uh, four times.
Well, it's important.
God, you don't have to be so cunt about it.
- The adjective would be "cunty.
" - Okay, okay [ABBY.]
But I'm proud of you for trying.
Look.
I even saved it into my phone.
"Wedding of the century conference call.
" - Nice.
That's very nice.
- Thank you very much.
I'm very proud of it.
You know what, why don't you invite Chris? Yeah, we would love to have him.
The kids can't stop talking about him.
- How is he? - [ABBY.]
He's good.
Yeah? - Like really good? - Ooh.
Like are we talking about sex? Yeah, I regret that.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, here they are.
Do you want these? Ravinia tickets.
We won them at the school auction but I can't use them.
Oh, what did you guys bid on, Steely Dan? Three Dog Night? Hard pass.
Dolly Parton.
- Bullshit.
- [ALY.]
You're welcome.
Thank you so much, that's amazing.
Thank you.
You're really gonna make me reach? You have so much more money than I do, Aly, come on.
Oay, I mean I got you tickets.
I did not ask for them.
They are a gift.
[SIGHS.]
[ABBY.]
I mean, the junior league lady really pissed me off! I'm fucking sick of being seen as dangerous.
What about this, is menacing? I don't fucking get it.
Yeah, from what I've seen you're only a danger to yourself.
Okay, you know what, I like to have sex with you, okay? Go fuck yourself.
Listen, that was mean, but funny.
You know, for fuck's sake, we just want to pee.
I shouldn't have to download an app for that.
- You download an app? - [CHRIS.]
Yeah.
- To pee? - Yes.
Refuge Restrooms.
It helps me find the nearest single stall.
- That's never heard of it.
- Yeah.
It saved my life when I was driving up from Kansas by myself.
- Uh-huh.
- [CHRIS.]
You should download it.
Maybe, yeah, but I like my method more.
Like, just to hold it in until I get a painful and expensive UTI.
Call me crazy.
Hey, Chris, could you try not to get like that orange stuff on my dead mom's couch? [LAUGHS.]
All right, fuck you, too.
Ah, fuck, uh hold on.
- Yep, I'll be right back.
- What? Oh nothing.
Don't worry about it.
Go about your business.
- What business? - Nothing.
You know what I mean.
[CHRIS.]
Are you still doing that? Doing what? [WATER RUNNING.]
- Abby, I thought - [GARBAGE DISPOSAL GRINDS.]
I'm so sorry.
I can't hear you, okay? Give me one second.
I just thought things were better.
Oh, my God, they're so much better.
They're so good.
[GRINDING CONTINUES.]
Can I be honest with you? All right, I know that's the question, can I? Fuck.
Basically, things are going all right.
Fuck.
Oh, I know I'm not always nailing it but I'm doing so much better than I used to, so that's something.
[SIGHS.]
All right, bear with me for this sidebar.
Do you think it's possible that the universe hears our pain and if yes, maybe throws us a fucking bone every once and a while? [GEESE HONKING.]
[LAUGHING.]
I know.
All right, me neither, I thought I'd give it a try.
Fuck.
Fucking hippy dippy, like I wear prairie skirts and feather earrings.
But still, living your truth isn't all great.
Like, people don't always love it.
Like those people that lose their shit when I live my truth and they think I'm in their bathroom and not mine.
I'm fucking 45 and afraid to use bathrooms.
Like, you try to be proud, and you get fucked over.
Fucking assholes.
The other night, Chris asked me about the almonds and it's like, are you still throwing them away and I mean, yeah.
But I avoided that question like a motherfucker.
And it's not that I'm lying.
It's not like I don't want to be honest, it's just that I have to keep doing this ritual, and I don't want to jinx the good stuff that's happening, and I just hate it.
It's Makes me anxious.
I'm happy right now.
I'm not gonna jinx it.
I lose hope sometimes.
Things are better.
Well, that's good.
- [ALARM BEEPS.]
- All right, I know times up.
See you next week.
Knock, knock.
Sorry, nobody's home.
Oh, well then I guess I'll just have to wait on the porch until they come back.
What can I do for you, Susan? - Oh, hi, you're home.
- I'm home.
Well first, I wanted to drop off these great jicama chips that I made, they're zero points and they are so good.
Second, I just came from the bathroom and I was just wondering why whenever you use the bathroom, make a scene? Literally.
Ooh, Lorraine, Lorraine, I just used literally correctly.
I mean, if that water was blood it would look like a blood bath in there.
A crime scene.
Literally.
And? I guess I We all were wondering, what's the rumpus? Excuse me? Why the puddles, Abby? Why do you puddle the sink? "Puddle the sink?" Susan, I am sure you asking me this is violating some sort of HIPAA law, but if you must know, I have OCD.
Oh, I have that too.
I always have to double check that I locked my car.
You know what Susan, that's exactly the same thing.
I wash my hands vigorously every single time I wash them.
And I use a lot of soap and because of the electric hand dryers here, there are no towels for me to clean up the counter after myself.
And sometimes I have to do it over and over again in case my hand touches the side of the sink or the faucet or something else, so yeah, it gets pretty wet in there, okay? I used to wash my hands so much they bled.
I would wake up in the morning, my sheets were bloody because of my fucking hands.
So yeah, I puddle the sink, and excuse me if this causes a rumpus.
That was not the response I was expecting.
Do you have my car thing too? Susan, I do not drive.
Oh, yeah, that makes sense.
Hey, and you know what, don't even worry about washing out my Tupperware.
I don't want to stress you out.
- Yes! - Yeah! - Okay - [LAUGHTER.]
- that's two in a row.
- [OVERLAPPING CHATTER.]
My God, how many queers does it take to open a door? - We committed.
- Shit, I think it's automatic.
Um, I'm sorry to be a raging bitch, but girl, that basket is ridiculous.
- What are you doing?! - What do you mean? - Who do you think you are? - I'm a picnic bitch.
Okay.
All right.
And also, it matches your shirt, so Speaking of shirts, Chris where did you get this preppy ass, seersucker, dandy daddy this? Where did you get this from? I got it from the Brown Elephant.
Ah and hey King, guess how much he paid for it? - How much? - [BOTH.]
Eight dollars.
We're gonna hear about that a lot today.
- Well you overpaid.
- Oh.
[LAUGHS.]
What is in the basket, momma? Oh I got, uh, cheese, crackers, and Zin.
Bougie bitch.
Now, you know how I hate to one up you again, but in my bag, I've got a six pack of beer, Frito scoops, and cheese whiz.
I'm doing Ravinia right.
What's the opposite of "bougie bitch"? - "Basic.
" - Okay.
Oh, hey, you know what? I'm gonna run in there before we get on the train, all right? - Do you want me to go with you? - Yeah, that's great.
Oh, thanks, thanks.
- You good? - We're good.
[ABBY.]
Oh, my God, seriously, what did you just go to Crate and Barrel? What's the deal with that Hey, hey.
Oh, drying hands, lookin' at phones, America! [LAUGHS.]
How much coffee have you had today? Girl, so much coffee.
And also, do you hear your voice? What, yeah.
I know, it's my lady voice, I use in public bathrooms, it staves off conflict.
- Yeah, okay.
- Hi.
I don't think it's working.
- Okay.
[LAUGHS.]
- Okay.
What am I doing? I don't even have to go.
- I'm here for you.
- Aww, thanks, Campbell.
[CAMPBELL.]
I'll be by the sink.
[ABBY.]
Oh, my gosh, there's a lot of good shit on here.
"Momo" Oh, I thought it was "momo problems" like "homo problems," but it's just "mo' money, mo' problems.
" "Jules has a hot coochie.
" Who's Jules? Do we need to let her know? I love Ravinia.
I think the last time we were there was for that Hall and Oates concert.
Oh, God.
[ABBY.]
Wait, you got really sick that night.
- Food poisoning, right? - Yes, that night was super fun.
[ABBY.]
It was fun? - Yeah.
- [ABBY.]
God, you're weird.
I have to say Chris was not impressed.
You know he was like, "You paid money to see Hall and Oates?" I was like, "Ya' damn right we did.
" What is that? What? Your groaning, your body language.
Do you have a problem with Chris? - Not really.
- "Not really"? Okay, I think it's moving way too fast, I think he's way too young, and I don't trust him.
Yet, God! I don't trust him yet.
Oh, that was a hell of a save, Campbell.
Well, thank you so much.
[MOCK CRYING.]
Look, he's way more mature than his age, okay? I mean, his best friend is King, and King is way older than him, okay? - Now, King I really like.
- See, that is good.
Campbell, things are good! What could go wrong? [BOTH LAUGH.]
Jesus fucking Christ, what are you talking about? We were just in there.
There are no men in the restroom.
- None.
- You're sure? Yeah, I'm sure, okay? Look, who told you this? Yeah, which one of these lovely people here told you there was a man in the women's room? Well, it's obvious why they did? - What? - All right, no, no, no, no.
Officer, I'm somewhat of an expert in this arena, and in there is wall-to-wall vag.
Yeah, wall-to-wall vag.
I'm very thorough.
Let's go.
[ABBY.]
Thank you for having my back.
Yeah.
Also a gentle reminder, not all women have vaginas, so Gentle reminder, today's my day off.
[ABBY.]
Okay.
Hey.
- [KING.]
What happened? - [CHRIS.]
Are you okay? [ABBY.]
I'll tell you what happened.
[ABBY.]
Thanks, you guys.
This is really helping my mood.
- So that's - Well if we want mood enhancers, can't have Dolly without Molly.
You brought drugs to the train station? - Yeah.
- What? - [CAMPBELL.]
Nice.
- It's like Queer Christmas in July.
- What are you talking - Oh.
I hope she plays "Hard Candy Christmas.
" - [GIGGLES.]
- What? It's my favorite song of hers.
Hey, love your basket, by the way.
- Oh, thank you so much.
- You're welcome.
I'm sorry, if you were, like, one thing that she could sing, you'd say, "Hard Candy Christmas?" Yes.
Who doesn't? - [LAUGHS.]
- [KING.]
"Jolene.
" Uh, she'll do "Jolene.
" I'm going for the deep cuts.
- "I Will Always Love You?" - [CHRIS.]
Oh, okay.
- She's gonna do I Will Always Love You.
- He's got a point.
- He's got a point.
- I'm asking for the small stuff that you might not expect.
- Super fan.
- Oh, okay, thanks for looking out for everybody.
- Hello! - Yeah, some of us actually care.
Just saying.
You wrap me up in a bow! - [ABBY LAUGHS.]
No, I - [CAMPBELL.]
It was you! You guys, that's a historical building! You guys are asking okay, you know - Who has the tickets? - I have the tickets.
- [KING.]
Okay, can I have my own ticket? - [CAMPBELL.]
Oh, my gosh, yes.
[ABBY.]
Now this is where I do feel like a mom.
- This is upsetting.
- [CAMPBELL.]
That is so fun.
Aww, I love it! I'm so glad that we did this.
- Okay.
- I feel really good.
And you look really beautiful.
- OK - Okay, guys.
Thank you for the front-seat attraction.
[LAUGHS.]
[CHRIS.]
You guys You guys, the stage is this way.
We know, we're gonna go watch the sunset.
- The colors are amazing.
- [KING.]
Yes.
It's totally cloudy.
Honor our reality.
- I just don't know what they're doing.
- [KING.]
Goodbye! - I think we're gonna - I have wanted to see Dolly Parton - since I was seven.
- I know, she's supposed to be so good, I can't believe we got tickets.
It's so pretty here.
Oh thank God, I know I just peed but I have to pee again, okay? Because I broke the seal, okay.
- Okay.
- Sorry sorry, yeah.
- Do you mind? - I got you.
- [ABBY.]
Okay.
- I'll be right here.
All right, thank you, all right.
[DANCE MUSIC THUMPING.]
Hey, hey, sweetie, where you going? I was trying to find a place to pee.
I don't want to have to use the port-a-potties.
I'm Oh, we should go use Farragut's.
They have really cheap Miller Lite there.
But Mel, you know it always smells on Pride, and I just don't want to handle that today.
I'm sorry, yeah, Farragut's it is.
You know your girl needs another Miller Lite.
- [MELANIE.]
Yeah, yeah.
- [ABBY.]
Yeah.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- Thank you! - Thank you, sorry guys [ABBY.]
I mean my least favorite thing about Pride is the smell.
I'm a dainty lady.
[MELANIE.]
Oh, you are so.
So dainty.
I know, what's up with Patchouli and lesbians, get over it ladies.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay Oh, shit, I forgot it's a one-holer.
Will you wait - and just watch the door? - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Okay.
- Sure, I'll be right here.
[WOMAN.]
Hey, girl! Hey! Yes [LAUGHS.]
It's been a long day Hi! [GRUNGE MUSIC PLAYS.]
- [KNOCKS.]
- Coming.
[ABBY.]
Come on, come on, come on, come on [SIGHS.]
Fuck.
- [BANGS.]
- One minute.
What the hell is she doing in there? Jesus Christ.
Come on! There, there you go, have at it.
This is a woman's restroom.
Yeah, I'm a woman.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
[GROANS.]
Read a book.
- What? - Read a fucking book.
- Where the fuck were you? - What? You knew this was gonna fucking happen, and you just let it? - Wait, what happened? - Oh, I don't know Melanie, I was just yelled at for being a man by a lesbian in a bar packed with fucking lesbians in the middle of the biggest lesbian-fest of the year in the middle of lesbian-ville.
Even up here, I can't use the fucking bathroom.
- Okay, hey, I'm sorry, Abby.
- [ABBY.]
Don't fucking follow me.
Wait, I didn't know.
Abby, I'm sorry.
Hey, wait.
Abby, come on! Oh! Sorry.
That guy knows where he's going.
It's a sock with a shoe bottom? Yeah, it's got a shoe, so it's both a sock and a shoe.
Maybe that's it.
It's probably comfortable.
Excuse me, this is the women's room.
- I know.
- Oh, it is.
There are three men in the ladies room.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on a minute.
I'm a woman.
- I'm not.
- I'm not either.
Yeah, we just followed him.
- I'm a woman.
- We didn't know.
- We just followed him her.
- Well, I think you should all leave.
- [ABBY.]
Excuse me.
- Yeah, let's leave.
No, no, no, we're not going any I'm not going anywhere.
You should.
Why would I leave? Yes, you should.
You have no right to talk to me like that.
- [WOMAN.]
Excuse me? - Oh, I think you heard me.
Who do you think you are? Oh, I'm sorry, do you want me to tell you? I'll tell you who you are.
You are a small-minded cunt.
[BOTH MEN.]
Whoa! Hey, I can say it! You and your fucking bullshit, hetero and gender-normative beige-ass life.
My God, the way your fucking mind works, I bet people like me have no value in your world 'cause you don't know where we fucking fit.
We're at a fucking Dolly Parton concert, sister.
Look around.
You're fucking ignorant! [STOMPS.]
Why can't I just go to the bathroom in fucking peace?! Why do you cuntsticks make everything difficult? Does anybody know how hard life is? I've got some idea, but keep going, honey.
Thank you so much.
See, I have it even harder than her.
Because? Because of my OCD, I have to wash my hands like 40 fucking times in this filthy-ass bathroom, and I don't have the fucking luxury to come in and come out.
No, I have to wash and wash and wash until I get screamed at or like fucking insulted.
You all make my life suck! My life is worse than everybody else's! Okay, except for her.
My life is pretty good, actually.
See, she has an easier life than me.
You want to know why? 'Cause people don't fucking hate her on sight, and let's be honest, everybody feels sorry for her.
[GASPS.]
Um, disabled people are not the yardstick to measure how much shittier your life could be.
Okay, I know that was a lot.
You know what, I can see that I went over a little bit, but I'm just trying to tell you is that, life is hard, and I'm just having a hard time, and I Are you fucking kidding me? Are you really a nun? Yes.
Your religion is at the heart of my misery! - I just really love Dolly Parton.
- [ABBY SCOFFS.]
I was really on her side at the beginning, but You know what you gotta do? You gotta read a book.
What? Read a book! Read a book, read a book, read a book! Actually, I'm a librarian.
- Really, so is he? - What? Read a book! - [ALL CHATTERING.]
- [WOMAN.]
I just hope she's okay.
[WOMAN 2.]
Oh, my God.
Just breathe, hon.
Babe, are you okay? [WEAKLY.]
Hey, Chris.
You can't be in here.