Working Class (2011) s01e04 Episode Script
Eye For An Eye
Oh! God, Hank.
Wear a bell.
Good morning.
It would be if I hadn't walked out of my house and found a bunch of gnomes having an orgy on my lawn.
I saw something like that once.
Did you eat a brownie with flecks of oregano in it, Hank? Huh? Someone pulled up lawn gnomes from all over the neighborhood and stuck them in my yard in all kinds of compromising positions.
Okay.
I'm sorry, but that's actually pretty funny.
Unless you're gnomophobic.
It's not funny.
It looked like a swingers party in Santa's workshop.
- I think your son did it.
- Well, Hank, I doubt that.
Scott is too busy doing far more important things like Googling "boobs.
" I'm telling you, he did it.
I was right about Sputnik-- [scoffs.]
and I'm right about this.
Fine, Hank.
I will talk to him.
If Scott did it, I will make sure that he is punished.
Does that make you happy? Depends on the punishment.
Good talk, Hank.
As always, it's been a real pleasure.
Pleasure was all yours.
Good morning, Hank.
Wrong.
Hi, Carli.
- Hey, boss.
- Get your daily dose of little Mr.
Sunshine there? - Yeah.
But I am making progress.
I am winning him over, one awkward conversation at a time.
You know, Hank's a tough nut to crack.
Well, I'm Carli Mitchell, and I have cracked many a nut in my day, and I tell you what, I always get my man.
I eventually lose him to an exotic dancer, but I get him.
[laughing.]
Hey, I could use your help.
We're having trouble moving this high-end olive oil.
Maybe you could help me rearrange the display.
Ah, great.
Olive oil.
Let's do it.
Although I can't promise you that I'm an expert on the extra virgin.
At least not since my senior year.
Okay, let's be honest.
The summer before my junior year.
Well, we all have big milestones in college.
Yeah.
College.
Working Class 1x04 Eye For An Eye This is my day This is my life This is my one chance to get it right This is my day Yeah, this is my day [clatter.]
[Carli.]
Oh, son of a biscuit! Aghhh.
Will, sweetie, you can't leave your bike on the porch like that, okay? Did you hurt my bike? Oh, no, sweetie.
Lack of calcium has made my bones soft.
I'm sure your bike is fine.
So, Pam, how was your day? Awful.
Oh, that's nice.
How about you, Will? Mom.
I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
So what happened, sweetie? I found out there was this huge party last week, and I didn't get invited, again.
All the cool kids at school think I'm a Goody Two-Shoes and a nerd.
Pam, don't worry, okay? All the cool kids peak in high school.
After that, it is just a downward spiral of eating disorders, hair transplants, and failed landscaping businesses.
Ha! Take that, Cindy Bruno.
You're not helping.
[sighs.]
- Hey.
- Oh, you.
You.
Props on that cool prank you pulled on old man Greziak this a.
m.
, huh? How'd you come up with the gnomes? Well, what can I say? Flash of genius.
I'm so proud of you.
- Really? - No, Scott! I cannot believe that you did that.
I don't know if I'm more upset about the fact that you're pranking an old man or that you're too dumb to cover it up.
I vote for too dumb to cover it up.
[clatter.]
[Nick.]
Agh! Son of a biscuit! Doesn't anybody care about my bike? Sorry, bub.
Hey, everybody.
Hey.
Hey.
Hilarious stuff with those gnomes.
That threesome by the oak tree was priceless.
See? Uncle Nick thought it was funny.
Well, Uncle Nick also thinks it's funny to call hot dogs wieners.
[Nick chuckles.]
Wieners.
Listen, you guys, hold on.
Hank is our neighbor, and we have to get along with him.
[groaning.]
I know that he comes off a little grouchy.
But you know what? It's probably just because he's lonely and he doesn't have anybody to be nice to him.
Because he's a former military assassin.
Look, I think he's scary and we should all just leave him alone.
Nick, no.
Come on, Carli.
You remember Old Man Wilbanks growing up.
Yeah.
People thought he was just lonely, too.
I guess that explains why he was collecting late-night joggers in his basement.
Huh? Oh, that was never proven.
There were no bodies.
Just an extremely large pile of running shoes.
Listen.
We are Mitchells, and Mitchells give people the benefit of a doubt.
So from now on, we are going to kill Hank with kindness.
How long do you think that'll take? Nick.
Now go on.
Everyone.
Wash up for supper.
Nah, you, listen up.
To make up for the gnomes, you're gonna rake Hank's leaves.
Aw, come on, Mom.
Oh, you just be happy that Hank isn't coming up with your punishment.
Seriously, he had some very specific ideas where to put those gnomes.
Ah.
So, Hank, I just wanted you to know that Scott admitted to putting the gnomes in your yard.
So as a punishment, I told him that he had to rake your leaves.
Huh? Really? Yeah.
Well, fine, fine.
But tell him if he pulls up one tulip bulb, he'll be underground till next spring.
Okay.
Well, you're welcome.
So, um-- So we're friends again? We were never friends, but your house is no longer a hard target.
Oh.
Okay.
Excellent.
All right.
Okay.
Huh? See? Hmm.
Cracking that nut.
He is harmless.
I don't know about that.
Well, okay.
There was that one time that he threw that gizzard at that woman who ordered a tofurkey.
No.
I'm talking about the time that Hank stopped the robbery in the store.
He stopped a robbery? Well, good for him.
Yeah.
Not so good for the guy who did it.
It was after hours.
Hank was the only one here.
He locked the exits, grabbed a cleaver, and hunted the guy down from produce to dairy to kosher foods.
Come on.
Hank couldn't hunt anybody down.
He's like a penguin with arthritis.
Well, he did.
And when he finally caught the guy-- Well, let's just say there was some serious cleanup in aisle 5.
We don't have an aisle 5.
Not anymore.
[knocking on door.]
[Hank.]
Mitchells, wake up! [knocking continues.]
I know you're in there! - What's going on? - I don't know.
Well, hello, Hank.
So nice to see you.
Come on in.
Explain this.
I would think at your age, you would already know what-- I'm talking about how 50 rolls of this stuff ended up covering my house.
I don't know.
Angry gnomes? I've had it with you Mitchells.
This is the last straw.
- Okay.
Listen, Hank, calm down.
- Yeah? - I'm sorry that your house got T.
P.
'd, all right? - Uh-huh.
We will figure out what happened.
That's what happened! It's kids like you that make me miss the draft.
Scott, I can't believe that you T.
P.
'd Hank's house.
I didn't do it.
I swear.
It's very ambitious.
Lots of attention to detail.
Looks like there was a plan and focus.
Doesn't sound like Scott.
Thank you.
If he doesn't fess up, let me interrogate him.
In five minutes, he'll need that toilet paper for its intended purpose.
Listen, Hank, I'm very sorry.
I will have Scott come over and clean it all up.
Don't bother.
I don't want any of you Mitchells on my property again.
Consider this your last warning.
Your last warning? Just like Old Man Wilbanks.
I'm just saying, jog with a buddy.
Nick, enough.
I don't blame Hank for being upset.
Scott, that was way out of line.
But I'm telling the truth, Mom.
I swear.
Oh, come on.
This toilet paper is one-ply, dirt cheap, and it feels like sandpaper.
Obviously, it came from this house.
Now listen, you go upstairs, and you get ready for school.
And I want you to come home right after practice for the next two weeks.
This is so unfair.
No.
What's unfair is I've gotta pay for another 50-pack of toilet paper at Costco.
Do you know how embarrassing that is to carry out? [thunderclap.]
[knocking on door.]
Oh, hey, Devon.
What's up? My cat is lost, Ms.
Mitchell.
Can you look out for him? Oh, sure, sweetie.
Whoa.
A $100 reward.
What is it, a talking cat? Just look for him, okay? Okay.
[Will.]
Mom! Mom! What is it, honey? Are you hurt? - My bike's gone.
- What? He's right, Mom.
We looked everywhere.
Oh, man, this has Greziak written all over it.
Oh, Nick, come on.
Hold on, sweetie.
Tell me, where's the last place you remember seeing it? In Mr.
Greziak's driveway.
Aha! See? I told you.
You said not to leave it on the porch.
He stole it.
Oh, whoa, whoa, guys.
Okay, Hank might be mad at us, but he's not gonna take it out on a little kid.
Come on, Carli.
He hates kids.
His bumper sticker says "I could care less about your honor student.
" And are were muddy tire tracks on the walkway up to his garage.
And when I raked his leaves, I saw a bunch of our balls and Frisbees and stuff in there.
He's got my bike.
I'm never gonna see it again.
Oh, no, honey.
You will.
Don't worry.
I'll find your bike.
You're going with me.
Come on.
We're going to Hank's.
What? No.
No, no.
I do not go to creepy old men's houses in a thunderstorm.
I have learned a thing or two from Scooby-Doo.
Oh, name one thing you didn't learn from Scooby-Doo.
[thunderclap.]
[wind howling.]
Oh, creepy, creepy, creepy.
[scoffs.]
[whispering.]
Come on.
I'm telling you, this is a bad idea, Carli.
If I see so much as a running shoe or a sports bra, I am outta here.
You should wear a sports bra.
All right.
Come on.
Let's just do this while Hank is still at work, okay? - All right.
- All right.
- Go.
[thunderclap continues.]
Well, that's a disturbingly large bunch of scary knives for a not crazy old man.
Hank is a butcher.
Of what? Idiot neighbors he lures into his lair with a missing bike? [yells.]
Oh, my God.
Man up.
It's just the wind.
All right.
All right.
Now come on.
Just help me look, okay? All right.
[scoffs.]
Hey, you know, a lot of pets have gone missing.
They say all the psychos-- they start with animals and work their way up.
Who told you that, Shaggy or Velma? Okay.
This is a little disturbing.
What? Look at this.
These rags look like they're covered in blood.
I'm out.
Wait.
No.
No.
Just relax, Nick.
I mean, it's probably just laundry from the butcher shop.
Okay? And, you know, we can't go until we look everywhere.
So just look.
Okay.
[thunderclap.]
[Nick screams.]
See? Oh, my God! Who would do that? - Yeah.
So much for not judging people.
- Okay.
All right.
- You know what? Let's just get outta here.
- All right.
[Carli.]
Oh, my gosh, he's home.
All right.
Get down, get down, get down, get down, get down.
Okay.
All right.
Go find your own tarp.
Will's bike.
Who cares? Come on.
[meows.]
[meows.]
[yells.]
What the hell's going on? You hurt that cat, I will slap shot your face.
Stay back, you cat-killing freak.
What? A kid left a flyer about his lost cat.
[meows.]
I found the poor guy in my driveway, soaking wet, so I brought him in to keep him safe.
Yeah, sure you did.
Yeah.
Just like you kept him safe? [thunderclap.]
Millie was my bomb-sniffing dog in the war.
Saved my life a dozen times.
One day, she missed one.
You wouldn't believe how much it cost to put her back together.
Oh, yeah.
Right, old man.
That's some quick thinking.
But how do you explain the bloody rags and all the knives? Yeah.
Rags, knives.
I collect knives.
Those bloody rags are just covered with cedar stain.
I'm refinishing my deck because you won't prune the tree that keeps dripping sap on it.
[whispering.]
You idiot.
What? Okay.
Yeah.
But you know what? That doesn't explain why Will's bike is in your garage.
You stole his bike to get back at us.
[scoffs.]
You made my little boy cry.
I can't believe that I ever defended you.
Because you know what? You are just a mean old spiteful man just like everybody says you are, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
So there.
End of story.
You are a neighbor from hell.
[thunderclap.]
I brought it in so it wouldn't rust in the rain.
I oiled the chain and planned to bring it back after the storm.
Did I say "neighbor from hell"? 'Cause I meant "neighbor from heaven.
" - Just get outta here.
- Okay.
Listen, Hank, I'm really-- Okay.
Get out.
Um Anyway, um, thank you.
And we-- we're just gonna leave now, but going with the knowledge that you are not a serial killer.
So kudos on that, okay? So he didn't steal my bike after all.
No, honey.
He brought it in to get it out of the rain.
So he did a really nice thing.
So even though he may be a little grouchy, it doesn't mean that he's a cat-killing psychopath.
Doesn't mean he isn't.
Hey, I'm just saying.
We didn't look under every tarp.
Well, maybe we can get Scooby and the Mystery Machine and try again next week.
The lesson is don't judge people.
Nobody likes how it feels.
You judged me, Mom.
I didn't T.
P.
his house.
I swear.
You know what, Scott? You're right.
I'm sorry.
I don't have any proof.
So guess what.
You're not grounded anymore.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
That worked? Sweet.
I'm going up to my room to Google stuff.
Oh, and, sweetie, "thespian" doesn't mean what you think.
[no audible dialogue.]
[scoffs.]
Okay, please tell me that you didn't T.
P.
Hank's house.
Oh, come on, Carli.
I'm a grown man.
Although I may have watered his roses once or twice on my way in from the bar.
Okay.
Don't want to hear it.
Guess that means some of the other neighborhood kids did it.
But the Mitchells are off the hook.
So that's it? If Scott and Uncle Nick didn't do it, you can't imagine anybody else in this house being responsible? Are you trying to accuse Will? Because, honey, he can barely use toilet paper the right way.
Oh, no offense, sweetie.
I did it.
What? Oh, come on, Pam.
You're a mathlete.
I T.
P.
'd Hank's house.
I am so sick of everyone always thinking I'm a Goody Two-Shoes and Miss Perfect all the time.
I'm capable of being a rebel, too.
Sometimes I don't even floss every day.
How about that? I don't even know you.
Well, Pam, I guess I misjudged you, too.
I will stop doing that.
And even though this is the first time I have ever had to say this, Pam Mitchell, you are grounded.
This is great.
I can't wait to call my friends and tell them.
I'm grounded for a whole week, right? Yeah.
Awesome! You are the best! Oh, yes! Okay.
I'm gonna go grab myself one of those Mommy juice boxes.
Oh! Ow! Son of a biscuit! Look, Hank, okay, I know that you're mad, okay? And-- O-kay.
And, um, you know what? This may not be the best time to talk to you when you have a knife in your hands.
But, uh, look, I'm sorry I broke into your garage, okay? My kid was upset.
I made a bad call.
And I'm sorry that I misjudged you.
You are a sweet, kind, and thoughtful man who just happens to enjoy hacking meat with a large cleaver.
So will you accept my apology? Yeah, I guess so.
I just wish you had told me all this three hours ago.
Oh, my God.
Wow.
Hank got us good.
[scoffs.]
Yeah.
But the joke's on him.
This is two-ply with that fancy quilted cushioning.
Kids, grab some trash bags.
We're not gonna have to go to Costco for a year.
Wear a bell.
Good morning.
It would be if I hadn't walked out of my house and found a bunch of gnomes having an orgy on my lawn.
I saw something like that once.
Did you eat a brownie with flecks of oregano in it, Hank? Huh? Someone pulled up lawn gnomes from all over the neighborhood and stuck them in my yard in all kinds of compromising positions.
Okay.
I'm sorry, but that's actually pretty funny.
Unless you're gnomophobic.
It's not funny.
It looked like a swingers party in Santa's workshop.
- I think your son did it.
- Well, Hank, I doubt that.
Scott is too busy doing far more important things like Googling "boobs.
" I'm telling you, he did it.
I was right about Sputnik-- [scoffs.]
and I'm right about this.
Fine, Hank.
I will talk to him.
If Scott did it, I will make sure that he is punished.
Does that make you happy? Depends on the punishment.
Good talk, Hank.
As always, it's been a real pleasure.
Pleasure was all yours.
Good morning, Hank.
Wrong.
Hi, Carli.
- Hey, boss.
- Get your daily dose of little Mr.
Sunshine there? - Yeah.
But I am making progress.
I am winning him over, one awkward conversation at a time.
You know, Hank's a tough nut to crack.
Well, I'm Carli Mitchell, and I have cracked many a nut in my day, and I tell you what, I always get my man.
I eventually lose him to an exotic dancer, but I get him.
[laughing.]
Hey, I could use your help.
We're having trouble moving this high-end olive oil.
Maybe you could help me rearrange the display.
Ah, great.
Olive oil.
Let's do it.
Although I can't promise you that I'm an expert on the extra virgin.
At least not since my senior year.
Okay, let's be honest.
The summer before my junior year.
Well, we all have big milestones in college.
Yeah.
College.
Working Class 1x04 Eye For An Eye This is my day This is my life This is my one chance to get it right This is my day Yeah, this is my day [clatter.]
[Carli.]
Oh, son of a biscuit! Aghhh.
Will, sweetie, you can't leave your bike on the porch like that, okay? Did you hurt my bike? Oh, no, sweetie.
Lack of calcium has made my bones soft.
I'm sure your bike is fine.
So, Pam, how was your day? Awful.
Oh, that's nice.
How about you, Will? Mom.
I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
So what happened, sweetie? I found out there was this huge party last week, and I didn't get invited, again.
All the cool kids at school think I'm a Goody Two-Shoes and a nerd.
Pam, don't worry, okay? All the cool kids peak in high school.
After that, it is just a downward spiral of eating disorders, hair transplants, and failed landscaping businesses.
Ha! Take that, Cindy Bruno.
You're not helping.
[sighs.]
- Hey.
- Oh, you.
You.
Props on that cool prank you pulled on old man Greziak this a.
m.
, huh? How'd you come up with the gnomes? Well, what can I say? Flash of genius.
I'm so proud of you.
- Really? - No, Scott! I cannot believe that you did that.
I don't know if I'm more upset about the fact that you're pranking an old man or that you're too dumb to cover it up.
I vote for too dumb to cover it up.
[clatter.]
[Nick.]
Agh! Son of a biscuit! Doesn't anybody care about my bike? Sorry, bub.
Hey, everybody.
Hey.
Hey.
Hilarious stuff with those gnomes.
That threesome by the oak tree was priceless.
See? Uncle Nick thought it was funny.
Well, Uncle Nick also thinks it's funny to call hot dogs wieners.
[Nick chuckles.]
Wieners.
Listen, you guys, hold on.
Hank is our neighbor, and we have to get along with him.
[groaning.]
I know that he comes off a little grouchy.
But you know what? It's probably just because he's lonely and he doesn't have anybody to be nice to him.
Because he's a former military assassin.
Look, I think he's scary and we should all just leave him alone.
Nick, no.
Come on, Carli.
You remember Old Man Wilbanks growing up.
Yeah.
People thought he was just lonely, too.
I guess that explains why he was collecting late-night joggers in his basement.
Huh? Oh, that was never proven.
There were no bodies.
Just an extremely large pile of running shoes.
Listen.
We are Mitchells, and Mitchells give people the benefit of a doubt.
So from now on, we are going to kill Hank with kindness.
How long do you think that'll take? Nick.
Now go on.
Everyone.
Wash up for supper.
Nah, you, listen up.
To make up for the gnomes, you're gonna rake Hank's leaves.
Aw, come on, Mom.
Oh, you just be happy that Hank isn't coming up with your punishment.
Seriously, he had some very specific ideas where to put those gnomes.
Ah.
So, Hank, I just wanted you to know that Scott admitted to putting the gnomes in your yard.
So as a punishment, I told him that he had to rake your leaves.
Huh? Really? Yeah.
Well, fine, fine.
But tell him if he pulls up one tulip bulb, he'll be underground till next spring.
Okay.
Well, you're welcome.
So, um-- So we're friends again? We were never friends, but your house is no longer a hard target.
Oh.
Okay.
Excellent.
All right.
Okay.
Huh? See? Hmm.
Cracking that nut.
He is harmless.
I don't know about that.
Well, okay.
There was that one time that he threw that gizzard at that woman who ordered a tofurkey.
No.
I'm talking about the time that Hank stopped the robbery in the store.
He stopped a robbery? Well, good for him.
Yeah.
Not so good for the guy who did it.
It was after hours.
Hank was the only one here.
He locked the exits, grabbed a cleaver, and hunted the guy down from produce to dairy to kosher foods.
Come on.
Hank couldn't hunt anybody down.
He's like a penguin with arthritis.
Well, he did.
And when he finally caught the guy-- Well, let's just say there was some serious cleanup in aisle 5.
We don't have an aisle 5.
Not anymore.
[knocking on door.]
[Hank.]
Mitchells, wake up! [knocking continues.]
I know you're in there! - What's going on? - I don't know.
Well, hello, Hank.
So nice to see you.
Come on in.
Explain this.
I would think at your age, you would already know what-- I'm talking about how 50 rolls of this stuff ended up covering my house.
I don't know.
Angry gnomes? I've had it with you Mitchells.
This is the last straw.
- Okay.
Listen, Hank, calm down.
- Yeah? - I'm sorry that your house got T.
P.
'd, all right? - Uh-huh.
We will figure out what happened.
That's what happened! It's kids like you that make me miss the draft.
Scott, I can't believe that you T.
P.
'd Hank's house.
I didn't do it.
I swear.
It's very ambitious.
Lots of attention to detail.
Looks like there was a plan and focus.
Doesn't sound like Scott.
Thank you.
If he doesn't fess up, let me interrogate him.
In five minutes, he'll need that toilet paper for its intended purpose.
Listen, Hank, I'm very sorry.
I will have Scott come over and clean it all up.
Don't bother.
I don't want any of you Mitchells on my property again.
Consider this your last warning.
Your last warning? Just like Old Man Wilbanks.
I'm just saying, jog with a buddy.
Nick, enough.
I don't blame Hank for being upset.
Scott, that was way out of line.
But I'm telling the truth, Mom.
I swear.
Oh, come on.
This toilet paper is one-ply, dirt cheap, and it feels like sandpaper.
Obviously, it came from this house.
Now listen, you go upstairs, and you get ready for school.
And I want you to come home right after practice for the next two weeks.
This is so unfair.
No.
What's unfair is I've gotta pay for another 50-pack of toilet paper at Costco.
Do you know how embarrassing that is to carry out? [thunderclap.]
[knocking on door.]
Oh, hey, Devon.
What's up? My cat is lost, Ms.
Mitchell.
Can you look out for him? Oh, sure, sweetie.
Whoa.
A $100 reward.
What is it, a talking cat? Just look for him, okay? Okay.
[Will.]
Mom! Mom! What is it, honey? Are you hurt? - My bike's gone.
- What? He's right, Mom.
We looked everywhere.
Oh, man, this has Greziak written all over it.
Oh, Nick, come on.
Hold on, sweetie.
Tell me, where's the last place you remember seeing it? In Mr.
Greziak's driveway.
Aha! See? I told you.
You said not to leave it on the porch.
He stole it.
Oh, whoa, whoa, guys.
Okay, Hank might be mad at us, but he's not gonna take it out on a little kid.
Come on, Carli.
He hates kids.
His bumper sticker says "I could care less about your honor student.
" And are were muddy tire tracks on the walkway up to his garage.
And when I raked his leaves, I saw a bunch of our balls and Frisbees and stuff in there.
He's got my bike.
I'm never gonna see it again.
Oh, no, honey.
You will.
Don't worry.
I'll find your bike.
You're going with me.
Come on.
We're going to Hank's.
What? No.
No, no.
I do not go to creepy old men's houses in a thunderstorm.
I have learned a thing or two from Scooby-Doo.
Oh, name one thing you didn't learn from Scooby-Doo.
[thunderclap.]
[wind howling.]
Oh, creepy, creepy, creepy.
[scoffs.]
[whispering.]
Come on.
I'm telling you, this is a bad idea, Carli.
If I see so much as a running shoe or a sports bra, I am outta here.
You should wear a sports bra.
All right.
Come on.
Let's just do this while Hank is still at work, okay? - All right.
- All right.
- Go.
[thunderclap continues.]
Well, that's a disturbingly large bunch of scary knives for a not crazy old man.
Hank is a butcher.
Of what? Idiot neighbors he lures into his lair with a missing bike? [yells.]
Oh, my God.
Man up.
It's just the wind.
All right.
All right.
Now come on.
Just help me look, okay? All right.
[scoffs.]
Hey, you know, a lot of pets have gone missing.
They say all the psychos-- they start with animals and work their way up.
Who told you that, Shaggy or Velma? Okay.
This is a little disturbing.
What? Look at this.
These rags look like they're covered in blood.
I'm out.
Wait.
No.
No.
Just relax, Nick.
I mean, it's probably just laundry from the butcher shop.
Okay? And, you know, we can't go until we look everywhere.
So just look.
Okay.
[thunderclap.]
[Nick screams.]
See? Oh, my God! Who would do that? - Yeah.
So much for not judging people.
- Okay.
All right.
- You know what? Let's just get outta here.
- All right.
[Carli.]
Oh, my gosh, he's home.
All right.
Get down, get down, get down, get down, get down.
Okay.
All right.
Go find your own tarp.
Will's bike.
Who cares? Come on.
[meows.]
[meows.]
[yells.]
What the hell's going on? You hurt that cat, I will slap shot your face.
Stay back, you cat-killing freak.
What? A kid left a flyer about his lost cat.
[meows.]
I found the poor guy in my driveway, soaking wet, so I brought him in to keep him safe.
Yeah, sure you did.
Yeah.
Just like you kept him safe? [thunderclap.]
Millie was my bomb-sniffing dog in the war.
Saved my life a dozen times.
One day, she missed one.
You wouldn't believe how much it cost to put her back together.
Oh, yeah.
Right, old man.
That's some quick thinking.
But how do you explain the bloody rags and all the knives? Yeah.
Rags, knives.
I collect knives.
Those bloody rags are just covered with cedar stain.
I'm refinishing my deck because you won't prune the tree that keeps dripping sap on it.
[whispering.]
You idiot.
What? Okay.
Yeah.
But you know what? That doesn't explain why Will's bike is in your garage.
You stole his bike to get back at us.
[scoffs.]
You made my little boy cry.
I can't believe that I ever defended you.
Because you know what? You are just a mean old spiteful man just like everybody says you are, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
So there.
End of story.
You are a neighbor from hell.
[thunderclap.]
I brought it in so it wouldn't rust in the rain.
I oiled the chain and planned to bring it back after the storm.
Did I say "neighbor from hell"? 'Cause I meant "neighbor from heaven.
" - Just get outta here.
- Okay.
Listen, Hank, I'm really-- Okay.
Get out.
Um Anyway, um, thank you.
And we-- we're just gonna leave now, but going with the knowledge that you are not a serial killer.
So kudos on that, okay? So he didn't steal my bike after all.
No, honey.
He brought it in to get it out of the rain.
So he did a really nice thing.
So even though he may be a little grouchy, it doesn't mean that he's a cat-killing psychopath.
Doesn't mean he isn't.
Hey, I'm just saying.
We didn't look under every tarp.
Well, maybe we can get Scooby and the Mystery Machine and try again next week.
The lesson is don't judge people.
Nobody likes how it feels.
You judged me, Mom.
I didn't T.
P.
his house.
I swear.
You know what, Scott? You're right.
I'm sorry.
I don't have any proof.
So guess what.
You're not grounded anymore.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
That worked? Sweet.
I'm going up to my room to Google stuff.
Oh, and, sweetie, "thespian" doesn't mean what you think.
[no audible dialogue.]
[scoffs.]
Okay, please tell me that you didn't T.
P.
Hank's house.
Oh, come on, Carli.
I'm a grown man.
Although I may have watered his roses once or twice on my way in from the bar.
Okay.
Don't want to hear it.
Guess that means some of the other neighborhood kids did it.
But the Mitchells are off the hook.
So that's it? If Scott and Uncle Nick didn't do it, you can't imagine anybody else in this house being responsible? Are you trying to accuse Will? Because, honey, he can barely use toilet paper the right way.
Oh, no offense, sweetie.
I did it.
What? Oh, come on, Pam.
You're a mathlete.
I T.
P.
'd Hank's house.
I am so sick of everyone always thinking I'm a Goody Two-Shoes and Miss Perfect all the time.
I'm capable of being a rebel, too.
Sometimes I don't even floss every day.
How about that? I don't even know you.
Well, Pam, I guess I misjudged you, too.
I will stop doing that.
And even though this is the first time I have ever had to say this, Pam Mitchell, you are grounded.
This is great.
I can't wait to call my friends and tell them.
I'm grounded for a whole week, right? Yeah.
Awesome! You are the best! Oh, yes! Okay.
I'm gonna go grab myself one of those Mommy juice boxes.
Oh! Ow! Son of a biscuit! Look, Hank, okay, I know that you're mad, okay? And-- O-kay.
And, um, you know what? This may not be the best time to talk to you when you have a knife in your hands.
But, uh, look, I'm sorry I broke into your garage, okay? My kid was upset.
I made a bad call.
And I'm sorry that I misjudged you.
You are a sweet, kind, and thoughtful man who just happens to enjoy hacking meat with a large cleaver.
So will you accept my apology? Yeah, I guess so.
I just wish you had told me all this three hours ago.
Oh, my God.
Wow.
Hank got us good.
[scoffs.]
Yeah.
But the joke's on him.
This is two-ply with that fancy quilted cushioning.
Kids, grab some trash bags.
We're not gonna have to go to Costco for a year.