Wrecked (2016) s01e04 Episode Script

1 [Soft music plays.]
We're gathered here today to witness the holy union of Jess Kato and Todd Hinkle.
I can't believe this is actually happening.
I can.
It's all I've ever wanted.
Todd has chosen to recite his vows in Jess' native language.
Babe, you learned Japanese for me?! Oh, my God! Arigato.
I love you so much.
And now the rings.
My God, babe! It's so beautiful.
Is that - My Callaway.
- [Gasps.]
I melted it down and forged this ring.
After all, it's just a golf club.
That's what I said! Todd do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? Abso-lutely.
- Yes! - Forever? Like, you're 100% sure? Of course.
It's been seven years.
I think I'd know after seven years.
[Laughter.]
Then I can now pronounce you Mr.
and Mrs.
Todd Kato.
[Mendelssohn's "Wedding March" plays.]
[Cheering.]
[Sniffing.]
- [Farting.]
- [Sniffing.]
Ohh! Oh! Todd! - What? What, what, what, what, what?! - Todd! Oh, Jesus! Ew! Who beefed in here? Oh, Jess, go outside if you have to fart.
Todd! What are we doing? Well, I was trying to sleep.
No, Todd, I'm serious.
We've been together for seven years.
Do you want to build a life with me or not? Do I really have to answer this right now? Oh, my God! I'm sleeping outside! Jess, come on! It's the middle of the night.
I get sleepy brain.
You know that.
Jess! Jess! Come on! Bugs out here! Jess?! Holy hell.
Why is the water so high? The pile! Guys! Guys! The stuff! All the chips so many chips! Hurry! The tide is gonna take all the stuff.
Yep.
Yep, looks like the tide got the community pile during the night.
The ocean can be a fickle bitch.
Wait, so all the airline food and sun block and first-aid stuff It's all just gone? The only thing left are those two bags, and they're both completely empty.
And I haven't been able to catch any boar in a couple of days.
Damn it! Whose genius idea was it to put all of our stuff next to the water? Well, at this point, does it even matter? It was Turdhole's.
Oh, come on, Karen! I didn't want the jungle bugs to get in.
You shitting me, Turdhole?! I should kill you.
Oh! I'm so tired of this island.
Pack think of it as your sacrifice to the ocean.
Enjoy those peanut butter-filled pretzels, Mother Gaia.
Are you high right now? A little bit, yeah.
Hey, Jess, I need to talk to you.
What do you want, Todd? Meet me in the tent in 10, please.
[Sighs.]
Owen: Okay.
Relax.
You can do this.
Deep breath.
[Gerry Rafferty's "Baker Street" plays.]
- [Music stops.]
- Owen, hurry up, I got to go! I'm going, okay? [Sighs.]
Okay.
[Breathes deeply.]
You're in a safe place.
You're in a beautiful marble bathroom.
What do you got? What do you got here? There's a big big old roll of double-ply right there.
Okay.
Here we go.
[Music resumes.]
- [Music stops.]
- Other people have to use the shit hole Diane, I am going! One second! Whew.
[Song resumes.]
Nobody's here.
Nobody's here.
You are all alone.
Owen, it has been half an hour! Don't look at me! What do you want, Todd? Oh, my God! Jess? Babe? Will you check this shit out! W-What? What What is this? It's the community pile.
I saved it, and now everyone thinks it's gone.
[Laughs.]
How rad is that? Why do you look so disappointed? No, no, no.
There's, like, a ton of beef jerky in here.
This stuff belongs to everyone, okay? No, no, no, no.
They think it's gone.
This is ours now.
Jess Baby, this is for us.
All right, remember what you said.
You want to build a life together.
Well, that's what I'm trying to do.
And this this can be our nest egg.
Oh, my God, you are so unbelievable! What are you talking about?! When I said that, Todd, I wasn't talking about things.
- Hey, keep your voice down.
- I was talking about a proposal.
What?! [Sighs.]
I thought you were going to propose to me on this trip.
But instead, it was a "Hangover 2" locations tour.
You love the Wolf Pack.
When I first met you, I thought you were the coolest senior at ASU.
- I was.
- And when we both graduated, I followed you to Scottsdale because we had fun together.
But now I need something more.
Okay, Jess, just Return the stuff or I'll tell everyone you took it.
[Clears throat.]
[Mystical music plays.]
Pack: Chet? Chet?! Chet?! Chet?! Oh, hi.
Hey, whoa.
Hey, little man.
What's up? I'm done with this island.
There's no food.
It's all in the water somewhere.
I'm starving.
I'm covered in rashes right now.
I don't have my jacket anymore.
You want to know why? That dude's wearing it.
Okay, it doesn't even fit him! And I can't get it back because he doesn't know English.
So whatever it is that has you all chill and totally okay with dying here, I want in.
I want to do your drugs.
Buddy, drugs are for expansion, not escapesion.
You do not want drugs.
Yes I do.
- All right.
- Great.
But you got to promise to expand.
Yeah, yeah, I'll open up my mind, whatever, expansion.
Dope, dope, dope, dope.
Beautiful.
Follow me.
What? Where are we going? Why can't we do drugs here? Easy! First I'm gonna take you on a vision quest, man.
We're gonna explore your unconscious.
It's gonna be a lot of fun.
I, for one, am very excited about being inside you.
That's very weird.
Don't say that.
Hey, where's my SkyMall? I lost it.
Okay? Yeesh! What's up with you? I don't know, Danny.
Maybe it's that we're starving.
Or maybe that it feels like a hot fart outside all the time.
Owen, come on.
It's me.
What's going on? Ever since the crash, I have not been able to, uh - To go.
- To go? - To evacuate.
- Evacuate, like the plane? To go, dude.
I haven't been able to go.
To go? Where do you have to go? We're on the island.
We're kind of stuck here.
To go.
- Like poop? - Yeah, poop.
Oh.
Owen, it's been like two weeks.
- Has it been two weeks? - I think.
Oh, my G I know it's been two weeks, man.
I'm just There's people everywhere, always.
And I have to be alone.
All right.
Come with me.
There's something I need to show you.
[Sighs.]
Todd? I gave you a chance to tell them yourself.
Fine.
Coming in! Oh, hey.
What's happening? Look, Jess, the truth is, I was going to propose to you on this trip.
I was just waiting for the perfect moment.
But then I realized that every moment with you is perfection.
Jess will you marry me? Oh, my God! Babe, yes, of course! Dope.
And you won't tell anyone about the stuff, right? What? Oh, God, Jess.
Look, if I didn't save this crap, the tide would have swept it away.
We can't trust those dodo brains out there.
We can only trust each other.
I-I guess, I Babe, are we a team? Or not? Hell yeah, we are.
- Mm-hmm.
- Whoo! - Ow! - [Laughs.]
I knew you'd say yes.
I knew you'd waffle, and then you'd cave.
Danny, where are you taking me? Shh! Don't shush! I am a grown man.
What could be so secret you shush me? That.
Mother of God.
The center cabin bathroom.
It just landed here? I found it a few days ago.
Had I known, I would have told you earlier.
I'm a shy pooper myself.
Jesus! - Have you told anyone about this? - No.
The others, they cannot find this, Danny.
They're animals.
They're animals, Danny! - They'll tear it apart.
- Owen! Owen, Owen You're safe here, okay? This will just be our little secret.
Danny, thank you.
Thank you.
Yeah.
["Baker Street" plays.]
[Farting loudly.]
Oh, my God, this is so good.
Yeah.
Melty Pop-Tarts are the best.
Mm-hmm.
And anyone who doesn't like Brown Sugar-Cinnamon can go to Hell.
I have to admit, it is very nice having sun block.
Yeah, well maybe your future husband isn't so selfish after all.
Maybe not.
- [Man screams.]
- [Gasps.]
What the hell was that? I don't know.
All right.
Hold on.
- Go check it out.
- Hold on.
Stay here.
[Grunting.]
[Crowd yelling.]
Whoa! Awesome! What are they fighting over? Airline pretzels.
They're fighting over airline pretzels? It's the only food we have left.
Finish him! Oh! Yeah.
Whoa.
Oh, wow.
These guys must really be hungry, then, huh? Is that brown sugar-cinnamon on your mouth? What? No, the Pop-Tarts washed out to sea.
Let me taste it.
- Taste? - Come on.
Let me taste it.
Hey, hey! Hey, no, no, no! Get off of me, you pervert! Isn't it glorious, Pack? You know the Iroquois Nation used to call their land chimi-chok chok for "sacred mother.
" How did they say, "Can we do the drugs now, please?!" Look around, man! Get high on this, brother.
Listen to that waterfall.
Just trees and bullshit.
Just do me a favor.
Open one eye.
Open the other eye.
Now see.
Okay? What else do you need? What about my Audi?! Huh? I just bought a charcoal-gray Audi.
Buddy, it's just rubber and metal and whistles and glass.
Who cares about your Audi? Your legs, dude! Don't All right, don't.
Your legs are flesh Audis.
Yeah, I'm out of here, man.
Thank you, Chet, for this enormous waste of time! I just want to do drugs, okay? And you had to be a turd! I'm going to the beach.
- Hey, Pack? - What? You and I are brothers in this existential search for wisdom, and I was just wondering Wow, man! Dang, that was fast.
[Upbeat music playing.]
Sunshine Don't you hide away I want sunshine Each and every day Sunshine Ah, I love that bathroom.
I used to hide from passengers in that bathroom.
- No kidding.
- Yes.
Hey, hey! Hey, whoa! How did that get there? Can you imagine if I took this back to camp? They'd have found the bathroom for sure.
That cannot happen.
No.
[Both laughing.]
Karen: Ooh, beautiful rock.
How did he hide that? Did he swallow it and crap it out? No, Karen, he didn't crap it out.
Oh, look, it's Diane from Toledo.
Oh, Jess, I heard you got engaged! Let me see your ring.
What do you think? That is my ring? - What? - What? That's my ring.
Read the inscription.
"To Diane.
We'll always have Toledo.
" See? But why would Todd have this? It's got to be a mistake.
Or he didn't bring a ring 'cause he doesn't want to marry you.
Seems pretty obvious.
What? Why are you looking at me like that? You're right, Chet, it is glorious.
Cool.
How do you feel? I feel like I'm finally at peace.
Go in deeper, Pack.
What's making you so relaxed? [Echoing.]
Drugs.
[Echoing.]
No, uh, you're surrendering to the island, bro.
It's mostly drugs.
You don't have any more fancy cars.
You don't have to follow any stupid corporate ladders all the way up.
All the hard work you've been doing for all these years is gone.
It's gone? And the only thing that's left is the jungle.
And you primal-ass, raw-ass wild Pack.
Wild Pack? You okay, little buddy? Pack? What did you give me? The most powerful drug of all, bro Truth.
No, seriously.
What was it? Was it, like, MDMA or, like, acid? Yeah, that was just Claritin, man.
- What?! - Yeah.
I get, like, a runny nose.
You gave me a Claritin?! Why?! So you'd think I was giving you drugs and you'd listen to me.
A-doi! My heart it's beating very fast.
I can't breathe.
Oh, that sounds like a like an actual panic attack.
Oh, there's too many people! Pack! [Screaming.]
Pack! Pack, the beach is that way! [Screaming.]
What's going on? Another pretzel fight? Todd? Where did you get this ring? Uh the most expensive jewelry store in all Scottsdale.
You're welcome.
Ow! What's up your butt? You're a liar, Todd! That's Diane's ring! So why are you throwing it in the sand? You were never gonna propose, Todd.
Why are you so obsessed with getting married? I just wanted a commitment, Todd.
A promise that in 10 years, you're not just gonna trade up.
You're being insane right now.
There's no way I could trade up from you.
Crowd: Aw! You're, like, the hottest chick I ever banged.
Ugh.
Look I know I screwed the pooch, but being engaged to you today, it was rad.
And I don't know why I was scared before, but the moment we get back to Scottsdale, I am taking you ring shopping.
So until then Jess, I love you so friggin' much.
Will you marry me for reals? No.
What?! Why not? Because you lied to me, Todd.
And you stole the camp's stuff.
He did what?! Wait a minute, so that wasn't the last bag of pretzels we were fighting over? No, no.
There are dozens more.
Oh, dear God.
I put Brian in a coma.
Let's go take back what's ours! Crowd: Yeah! No, yeah, I was gonna I was just holding on to it.
How could you do this to me? I thought we were a team.
Yeah, I thought so, too, Todd, until I realized that you only care about yourself.
Whatever, dude.
I can't wait to be single.
I'm gonna crush so much tail all over this island, just crushing tail.
So much.
Goodbye, Todd.
Tail! I'm gonna crush it.
I have no standards right now.
I will hit anything! Anyone?! You know, it's weird.
Even though we're eating less and less, I feel like I'm going more and more.
You know what? I don't even pee in the woods anymore.
I just use this now.
Is that weird? Hey, no skin off my back.
[Branch snaps.]
My God.
Turdhole, you bastard.
You followed us, didn't you? If I told everybody about this, they'd have to forgive me for the pile.
Hey, hey, take it easy, Turdhole.
Okay, we're gonna work this out.
I wouldn't be Turdhole anymore.
I'd just be Kurt.
- No, no.
- Turdhole, wait! I'm so sorry.
We'll stop calling you Turdhole.
We'll call you Kurt.
Everyone! Danny and Owen have a bathroom out here! - No! - No, Turdhole! - Turdhole! - Get back here! Turdhole is a liar! Turdhole is a liar! Maybe they won't totally destroy it.
- Man: Shitter's full! - Oh! [All groaning.]
Well, there's nowhere to hide now.
So where we gonna poop next, man? There's a bamboo clearing in the forest.
I thought I got to get off the island.
I have to get off the island.
I can't stay here.
Danny, I can't stay in the same place with the same people I'm gonna chart the island.
Great idea.
I'll come with.
We can poop anywhere, man.
You know, actually, Danny, I think I'm gonna go by myself on this one.
Oh.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
- That's just look.
- That's 'cause I just - I would never oh - I understand.
- Thank you.
Of course.
Please, please, please.
So where you gonna go? Like, into the jungle? Am I gonna go into the jungle? No.
[Laughs.]
Uh, no, I don't think so.
I'm gonna stay on the beach.
Can you imagine going into the jungle by yourself? Especially at night? Oh, hell no, no way.
Hello! Anybody! Shit! What the [bleep.]
What the shit was that?! Hey, what's going on? Where's our stuff?! It was in here! What is this, a joke? I told you I don't get many jokes.
It was in here, Karen, I swear.
Todd: Hey, boners! It's all gone! I hid it.
From now on, I control the stuff! God damn it, Todd! Who do you think you are?! I'm the friggin' king of the island! Yeah! Ooh! Whoo! Whoo!