You Rang, M'Lord? (1988) s01e04 Episode Script
Fair Shares
1 From Mayfair to Park Lane You will hear this same refrain In every house again, again You rang, m'lord? Stepping out on the town The social whirl goes round and round The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? The Bunny Hug at the Shim Sham club The Charleston at The Ritz #And at the Troc do the Turkey Trot They give Aunt Maude a thousand fits Saucy flappers in cloche hats Natty chappies in white spats The upper set is going bats You rang, m'lord? That's the last of the dirty dishes.
Pull them down, Henry.
-Can I go to bed then? -No, you cannot.
It's 2:30.
You should count yourself lucky, young Henry.
The last party His Lordship gave we didn't finish clearing up till 5:00 in the morning.
We only had an hour and a half's sleep.
You don't want to miss your beauty sleep, Mrs Lipton.
It's bad for the bags under your eyes.
Hold your tongue! Take those plates over to Mabel.
Thank goodness that's the last lot.
I haven't had my hands out of hot water for five hours.
Look at them.
They're red raw.
What are you complaining about, Mabel? You're the only one who's getting paid extra.
What, threepence an hour? You'll have done 21 hours by the time you finish.
That's five and threepence you've earned today.
How many people could say the same? There's a nice pot of tea for us all.
In times of need, it keeps you going.
That's what I always say.
Yes, Mrs Lipton, that's what you always say.
Where have you been, Ivy? I had to clear up in Miss Cissy's room before she could get to bed.
Her friends left it in a terrible mess.
Miss Cissy's room? Hope you didn't stop long.
She wouldn't talk to me.
Nobody's talking to me.
-I'm not surprised.
-Why? What have I done? Least said, soonest mended.
-His Lordship's in a terrible state.
-Is he asleep? He soon will be.
I've had to give him a sleeping draught.
-You've got a lot to answer for, Ivy.
-What's it got to do with me? According to His Lordship, you spilt the beans to Sir Ralph.
-What about? -What about she says.
Have you no brains in your head, girl? Ivy, you told Sir Ralph that His Lordship was carrying on with Lady Agatha and now there's going to be a divorce and you're the evidence.
I've never seen any evidence.
We all know they'd been going at it hammer and tongs.
Watch your tongue, you dirty little devil! Are you going to send me to bed? No, I am not.
Go and help Mabel with the washing up.
Oh, I didn't mean any harm.
I was just having a chat with him.
-Servants do not chat to their betters.
-They are not her betters.
They're just rich.
What exactly did you say to him, Ivy? Nothing.
Just that Lady Agatha came to dinner, felt ill and had to stay the night.
-Did you say you saw them in bed together? -Please! Not in front of Mrs Lipton.
It's got to be said.
Ivy, did you say you saw them in bed together? -No, I didn't.
'Cause I didn't.
-Ivy.
-Cross my heart and hope to die.
-In that case, Sir Ralph's bluffing.
He's using Ivy to get at His Lordship.
We must all rally round His Lordship and Lady Agatha and protect their reputations against these scandalous accusations.
Even if they have been going at it hammer and tongs.
Henry, come here.
What's that mark on the table? (Whistling) -Do you think they'll sack me, Dad? -I'm just about to speak to His Lordship now.
Are you going to tell him that Sir Ralph has offered you P5,000 for those shares? Certainly not.
I haven't got them yet.
Lady Lavender might change her mind and give them to someone else.
We've got to handle this situation very delicately, Ivy.
When I get my hands on those shares you won't see my heels for dust.
But if you sell them to Sir Ralph, you'll be leaving His Lordship in the lurch.
When have the upper classes ever bothered about the likes of you and me, Ivy? -It's not right, Dad.
-I'll be the judge of that.
-Whose tea is that? -Miss Cissy's.
Don't stay long.
Good morning, m'lord.
Your early morning tea.
Thank God for that.
I had a shocking night.
-Shall I pour, sir? -Please do.
My mind's been going round and round.
I finally reached a conclusion.
That girl Ivy must go.
I understand your feelings, sir, but I've questioned the girl very closely and she definitely did not tell Sir Ralph that she saw you and Lady Agatha enjoying intimacy together.
How dare you, Stokes? I'm sorry, sir, but that's what they'll call it in the divorce court.
Yes, you're right, Stokes.
What a mess.
I think it's possible, sir, that Sir Ralph is having you on.
What do you mean? The girl swears she delivered the tea and saw nothing.
-Is she telling the truth? -She crossed her heart and wished to die.
A very solemn oath amongst parlour maids.
Sir Ralph will stick at nothing.
He's determined to ruin me.
Damn good job you agreed to sell me those shares.
It occurred to me, sir, that I might offer to sell them to Sir Ralph -if he agrees to drop the divorce proceedings.
-Are you mad? The first thing he'll do is vote me off the board of directors.
Once he stops the proceedings, I can, of course, deny all knowledge of the arrangement.
Yes, but if he doesn't get the shares, he'll start the divorce proceedings up again.
Ivy is the only witness, sir, and by that time, no doubt, you could arrange for a well-paid position for her in a far flung outpost of the British Empire.
But that would mean your going back on your word.
It wouldn't be fair play.
In my station in life, I can seldom afford the luxury of fair play, sir.
Can't you? Good.
Just one thing, sir.
Could you possibly ask Lady Lavender's solicitor to hasten the transfer of the share certificates? Well, you know what she's like.
She might change her mind again.
Wouldn't give you the shares after all.
In that case, sir, I should have no hold over Sir Ralph.
Couldn't you just say you've got the shares? -Would you call that fair play, sir? -I see what you mean.
If I can convince Sir Ralph, I'm sure you will have no further problems, sir.
Thank goodness I've got someone like you to rely on, Stokes.
M'lord.
-Pour me out another cup of tea, will you? -Yes, sir.
If you ask me, James, the whole evening was an absolute disaster.
Well, Miss Cartwright seemed to be enjoying herself, sir.
I don't know if you're aware of this, James, but that brother of mine is trying to get me to propose to her.
Well, she cut a fine figure as Britannia, caused quite a lot of hilarity when she tried to toast three sausages on her trident.
That's the trouble with her.
She's always mucking about.
So different from Ivy.
Standing there with her frilly cap and apron and her shiny face, looking after us all, making sure we all got drinks.
Yes, sir.
Which cufflinks will you be wearing today, sir? Oh, I'll come and choose some myself.
Oh, do you remember this ring, James? I was wearing it the day you saved my life.
I remember it as if it were yesterday, sir.
-It was nine years ago, James.
-They were terrible times, sir.
TEDDY: I was leading my men forward.
We came under this hail of artillery fire.
I got this terrible bang on the head.
That's when I must have fallen into that shell hole where you and Stokes found me.
JAMES: We thought you were dead.
TEDDY: I often wish I could lay my hands on the bounder who stole the emerald from this ring.
Some swine must have yanked it out with a bayonet or something.
JAMES: Very likely, sir.
TEDDY: I wouldn't be surprised if it was some damn Jerry.
JAMES: Quite possibly, sir.
And you and Stokes carried me back.
He's a fine man, isn't he? Very strong, sir.
I shall never forget what you two did.
As far as I'm concerned, you and Stokes have got a job here for as long as you live.
(Knocking on door) -I brought your golf shoes, Miss Cissy.
-Thank you, Ivy.
-Sorry, I can't stop.
-Ivy! Why is it that every time you come into my room the first thing you always say is ''Sorry, I can't stop''? -Well, I've always got a lot of things to do.
-Well, they can wait.
Now hand me my plus fours.
I'm meeting Penelope on the courts in half an hour.
Do you go to the same golf club as the Honourable Teddy? No, I resigned.
They wanted me to wear a skirt.
Dreadful stuffy crowd.
-Where do you play golf now? -I've joined a new club.
Much younger set.
They don't mind girls in the bar.
Chaps can wear suede shoes.
You don't have to be a gentile.
-I've never played golf.
Is it hard? -Normally, no.
But with the head I've got this morning, I probably won't be able to see the ball.
What a wonderful party it was.
Oh, I really enjoyed it.
But everyone's cross with me.
Yes, Ivy, and I was cross with you, too.
You shouldn't chatter to the guests, let alone discuss the family.
Daddy is probably going to finish up in the divorce courts now.
Honestly, Miss Cissy, I never said anything 'cause I never saw anything, I think.
What did you see when you took Lady Agatha's early morning tea to her? Hardly anything.
It was all gloomy.
She wouldn't let me draw the curtains and she wouldn't let me put the light on and she wouldn't let me pour the tea.
I think she wanted to get rid of me quickly.
Why? I thought she wanted to go back to sleep again.
Well, did you see anything at all? -Just this long lump in the bed beside her.
-What? -I think it was a bolster.
-That's all right, then.
-And then it moved, I think.
-You're not sure? -I told you, it was so gloomy.
-Well, it might have been a foot that moved.
Yes, it might, except it was in the middle of the lump, like it was breathing.
-Might have been her elbow? -Yes, it could have been her elbow.
It probably was her elbow.
Then it groaned.
God! You blabbed all this to Sir Ralph? No, Miss Cissy.
The only person I've told this story to is you.
-This is disastrous.
-Is it? If this gets out, it could ruin Daddy.
Now, I want you to look me in the eye and give me a solemn promise that you will not breathe a word of this to a living soul.
-Supposing somebody asks me? -You must lie.
Oh, no, Miss Cissy, I couldn't do that! I used to go to Sunday school in the Band of Hope and sing Jesus Wants Me For A Sunbeam.
If I tell a lie, he won't want me for a sunbeam.
If you tell the truth nobody is going to want you for anything.
Ever.
(Choral music playing on radio) RADIO ANNOUNCER: That concludes our morning -Your liver salts, Miss Poppy.
-Thank you, James.
-A recital of chamber music will follow after -Turn that off.
Oh, James.
Thank you.
My head's killing me.
-Have you got a hangover, James? -No, Miss Poppy.
Well, you wouldn't have, would you? Don't know how lucky you are.
-What a night.
-Yes, it was quite eventful.
-Did Teddy try to get into Ivy's bedroom again? -I believe not, Miss Poppy.
Anyhow, as soon as I got to my room, I passed out.
You don't suppose anybody tried my door handle, did they? Well, the cleaning lady found Mr Jerry at 6:00 this morning behind the harmonium.
He was hardly capable of mounting the stairs let alone trying anyone's door handle.
I wasn't thinking of Mr Jerry.
You're blushing again.
You make my position very difficult, Miss Poppy.
I'd be far happier if from now on we could just be servant and mistress.
James, what are you suggesting? And don't turn till I tell you, Henry.
Otherwise you'll have my fingers.
-Yes, Mabel.
-Right.
Turn.
-Morning.
-Morning.
Those are nice and white, Mabel.
What's your secret? Two swirls of the blue bag.
I used to do that when I was your age, young Henry.
And if I caught my mum's fingers, she'd tan my hide with a wooden spoon.
That's what makes you the man you are today, Constable Wilson.
You couldn't have said a truer word, Henry.
Morning, Ivy.
-You all right? -Oh, yes, thank you.
-Morning, all.
-Morning, Constable.
I see I'm just in time for a cup of your most excellent tea, Mrs Lipton.
Sit yourself down, Constable Wilson.
-What's that black stuff on those biscuits? -It's called caviar.
-It's left over from the party.
-Oh, I've never tried that.
Help yourself.
It's all fishy, isn't it? -I don't reckon much to it myself.
-Nobody down here likes it.
I'll give to Mabel.
Her cat can have it.
What's the matter with Ivy? She's piping her eye out.
Is she? I'll find out what's wrong.
He's got a good heart.
He looks after her like a father.
Don't take on, Ivy.
It's not your fault.
You've done nothing wrong that I can't put right.
Oh, it's not that.
I've had a letter from Mum.
The landlord's going to turn her out.
-But we both send her money each week.
-It's not enough, Dad.
-She's three months behind with the rent.
-There's only one answer.
-This'll have to go in again.
-Oh, no, not again, Dad.
When we were on tour together, it used to be in every Monday.
Well, I got it out every Friday, didn't I? And this'll be the last time.
When I finish with His Lordship, you and I will be on easy street.
Don't count your chickens, Dad.
-Lady Lavender hasn't given you the shares yet.
-She will.
Don't worry.
I'll get the postal order and your mother will have it first thing in the morning.
Oh, thanks, Dad.
You really do love Mum, don't you? I love you both very much.
Here, Mabel, I just seen Mr Stokes kissing Ivy.
Oh, goes on all the time in these big houses.
Butlers and maids, mistresses and footmen.
What about daily women? The last person that stole a kiss from me was a soldier on leave during the war.
What, the Boer War? Hello, Mr Stokes.
Haven't seen you for quite a time.
I've got a good job now.
-Given up the boards, have you? -Variety's dead.
It's all films now.
I've gone back into service.
Head butler to Lord Meldrum.
-Does that mean you're in the money? -Not at the moment.
-I'll have the usual.
-Ah, we're old friends.
-It's only temporary, of course.
-Yes, of course.
-Is it woman trouble again? -The wife's been chucking it about a bit.
Funny you should come in today.
I was turning out some old stuff from my safe.
I came across that emerald you brought in just after the war ended.
The one I got off a German general we'd taken prisoner? You told me it was given to you by a British officer for saving his life.
Yes, it was.
Well, it's a long time ago.
What puzzles me is, why didn't he give you the whole ring instead of just the stone? Well, he did.
I had it on me finger.
And I lost it when I was in hand-to-hand combat with a mad Turk in Mesopotamia.
You told me you were in France.
I was before I was in Mesopotamia.
I never sold it.
There's not much call for a loose stone.
Only in the trade.
It had a chip on it as if someone had prised it out of its setting.
That was the Turk with his khukri.
Khukris are used by Gurkhas.
-He got it off a Gurkha.
-Right.
Here we are.
One, two, three, four.
-What's this? I usually have a fiver.
-Times are hard, Mr Stokes.
If you don't come back, I might be stuck with it for years.
Like that emerald.
You won't be stuck with it.
I've got a good job.
Yes, so you said.
You're working for Lord Meldrum.
He must have some nice bits and pieces.
It's like Aladdin's cave.
-What, jewellery? -Jewellery, silver, pictures.
Doesn't seem right, does it? -Him having everything and you nothing.
-No.
You served your country in the war along with all the others and where are they now? -Most of them in the dole queue.
-It'll all change.
The day will come when I'll be up there and Lord Meldrum will be polishing my shoes.
You sound angry.
And I don't blame you, Mr Stokes.
In your place, I'd feel the same.
Just remember, I'm always in the market for nice little bits and pieces.
And I don't ask any questions.
How about giving us the extra quid? All right, Mr Stokes, as a gesture of goodwill.
I'm sure we're gonna do business together in the future.
Thank you.
Who was that on the telephone? Agatha.
Sir Ralph has turned her out.
She's staying with her mother in Pimlico.
All your chickens are coming home to roost now, aren't they? -You sound as if you're enjoying this, Teddy.
-Well, I am.
You're always so high and mighty, always preaching at me, telling me what a silly arse I am.
Who's going to be sitting in that witness box, eh? Who's going to be branded as a common poodle-faker, eh? -Ask me that.
-Don't you crow too early, Teddy.
According to Stokes, that girl said nothing to Sir Ralph so there's absolutely no evidence.
Oh, come on, George.
We all know what's going on.
-Half of London knows what's going on.
-But there is no proof.
What more proof do you want? One of those His Master's Voice recordings? Vocal Gems From The Guestroom? Duets From George And Agatha.
Pale hands I love Beneath the bally-eyed glove You really are beyond the pale, Teddy.
Pity Father never sent you to Australia after you'd seduced the dormitory maid at Eton.
I didn't seduce her.
She led me on.
I was only a boy.
Only a boy? You were nearly 1 9.
How old was the girl? Nearly 1 6 and a half.
Anyway, it's all water under the bridge.
I'm in a terrible mess and we've got to stick together.
For the sake of the family.
I'm sorry, George.
You're a good egg.
But you are inclined to be a bit of an old washerwoman.
Oh, shut up.
Now look Stokes has got a devious plan to get me off the hook by telling Sir Ralph he'll sell him those rubber shares.
-Lavvy hasn't given them to him yet.
-I'll make damn sure she does.
-Anyway, that is the plan.
What do you think? -Rotten.
I've finished it.
There.
What do you think? Absolutely first class.
The best thing you've ever done.
-What is it? -My parrot.
-Which part of a parrot? -It's the bust of his head.
Oh, yes, of course.
Oh, yes, you've got the head to a T.
I'm going to have an exhibition at the Grafton Galleries.
-But you've only done six.
-I can spread them out.
-But they're all parrots.
-Well, it doesn't matter, Teddy.
Epstein did busts and they were all people.
What about these shares? -What shares? -The Union Jack Rubber Company shares.
Oh, you're not having my shares.
No, the ones you're giving to Stokes.
-Oh, yes, he collects trays.
-That's right.
Yes, I offered him a silver one.
But he said he'd got one already.
Well, I'm going to get these share certificates out of the safe so you can sign the documents.
I've got shares in some of your other companies.
Oh, yes, you've got a big holding in the West Indian Sugar and Molasses Company.
You got that sugar by swapping it for slaves, didn't you? Well, not recently.
Oh, promise me you haven't got any left.
It's against the law, you know.
We don't want the police round here searching the house.
No, Lavender.
We got rid of the last one in 1 825.
Well, he might have had a piccaninny.
Don't worry.
George will have a jolly good look round to make sure.
(Knocking on door) Come in.
-Excuse me, m'lord.
How many for tea? -Three, please, James.
-Cucumber sandwiches? -Yes, please.
And some of Mrs Lipton's most excellent cherry cake.
-Will there be anything else? -Yes.
Have a good look round and see if there are any slaves in the servants' quarters.
They finished their tea.
I never saw anything like it.
They gobbled up all the cucumber sandwiches.
Oh, Mr Teddy never could resist my cucumber sandwiches.
I used to give him packets of them when he went back to boarding school.
''Don't cry, Mr Teddy,'' I used to say to him.
''Think of all those cucumber sandwiches.
'' I don't know why the upper classes always send their kids to boarding school.
It's disgraceful.
Look what they did to Tom Brown.
Roasting him in front of a fire.
Did they roast you, Henry, when you were in the orphanage? They would have done, but they couldn't afford a fire.
Look what they've done to that cherry cake.
Decimated it.
-You better finish it off, Constable Wilson.
-Oh, I couldn't manage anymore.
Tell you what, I'll just pick out the cherries.
I'll give the rest to Mabel.
Yes, and there's them crusts you cut off when you were making the sandwiches.
She can have them and all.
Poor soul.
Can't you give her anything better than that? Well, she ought to be grateful.
She lives in a very poor neighbourhood.
People next door to her are much worse off than she is.
I'll dry, Henry.
Are you all right now, Ivy? What are you talking about? Well, I saw you having a little cry this morning.
Oh, I'd just got a letter from my mum.
Well, if you got any bother, you can tell me.
I'm good at trouble because I've had so much of it.
You're a real friend to me, Henry.
-That's 'cause I like you.
-And I like you.
I saw Mr Stokes kissing you this morning.
He's not bothering you, is he? No, no, he was He was just being friendly 'cause I was crying.
Well, if he pesters you, just let me know and I'll give him a thick ear.
You mustn't do that, Henry.
I know a lot about thick ears 'cause I've had so many of them myself.
I want to protect you, Ivy.
We got to look after each other 'cause we're both at the bottom of the pile.
What about Mabel? Well, she's a different pile.
Poor soul.
Oh, it's not fair.
It's not fair the way that people have been going on at you since the party, especially that James Twelvetrees.
Oh, I don't mind about him.
In fact, I quite like him.
-You haven't fallen for him, have you? -Of course not.
-You have.
-Don't be daft.
Mind you, he's ever so good-looking.
Do you think I'm good-looking? Wellsort of.
-Take your glasses off.
-You take your glasses off.
What do you think? It doesn't matter what either of us look like, does it? -We're well matched, Ivy.
-Yes, two of a kind.
-Have you finished that washing up yet, Ivy? -Yes, Mrs Lipton.
Well, don't stand there gossiping.
Go up and get Lady Lavender's tea tray.
Oh, I've got a clean apron on, Mrs Lipton, and it's my last one.
-I'll go for you, Ivy.
-Thanks, Henry.
Don't forget to dodge.
-I've sent the postal order off, Ivy.
-Oh, thanks, Dad.
-Sorry about your watch.
-Don't worry about that.
When I get those shares, I'll buy a 22-carat gold Hunter that chimes.
Come on, let's go and have a cup of tea.
Oh, you're back then, Mr Stokes? I'm afraid this tea's a bit stewed.
I'll make you another pot.
I'm afraid I've done for the cherry cake.
You'll never guess what, Mr Stokes.
A message came on through on that telephone thing for you.
Oh, really? I'm no good at machines.
Constable Wilson worked it.
It was Sir Ralph Shawcross's butler.
His master wants to talk to you.
-There's his number.
-Thank you.
I'll do it now.
OPERATOR: Number, please.
Mayfair 2203.
What number are you speaking from? Grosvenor 0950.
Hold the line, please.
Mr Stokes is coming up in the world.
Getting phone calls from the gentry.
Is that Sir Ralph Shawcross's butler? This is Lord Meldrum's butler.
I understand your master wishes to communicate with me.
Have you ever used the telephone, Ivy? Once or twice, but my mum says it's dangerous.
The electricity goes right through your head and goes to your brain.
I reckon we're better off without it.
You can't stop progress, Mrs Lipton.
They say you can talk to America on it.
What would you say? Well, you'd have to know someone.
Do you know anyone in America, Mrs Lipton? No, can't say I do.
Well, there you are, then.
That's agreed then, Sir Ralph.
You instruct your solicitors to drop the divorce proceedings and I will sell you my shares in the Union Jack Rubber Company for P5000.
Yes, sir.
Right, thank you.
Good day, sir.
Hang on, Henry.
I'll have a couple of those cucumber sandwiches.
Oh, thanks, Henry.
You're a pal.
Didn't Lady Lavender like the cucumber sandwiches? -No.
-Have you cleared up? No, she didn't chuck anything.
She gave me this bit of paper.
It's got nice gold letters on it.
She said that I should put it in a frame.
What's the Union Jack Rubber Company? Hey! It says here 200 P1 shares.
She's given that to you? Yes, well you know what she's like.
Oh, Henry, aren't you lucky? Yes, you are a lucky boy, Henry.
Because I happen to know people that collect that sort of thing.
They like all the gold lettering around the edge and that fancy red seal.
They hang them on the walls in their posh houses.
-Do they? -Yes, they'd pay as much as 1 0 quid for that.
-Would they? -They might even go up to 50.
-Mr Stokes! -Shut up, Ivy.
-That's more than I get in a year.
-It's more than I get as well.
Well, there you are.
I'll give you 50 quid for them.
That's not right.
It says here, ''200 P1 shares.
'' I've learnt my tables.
200 ones is 200.
That's right, Henry.
Shares go up and down.
These are down to five and threepence each.
That means they're worth P60.
P62, ten shillings.
All right.
I'll give you P62 1 0s for them.
I don't understand all that.
It says ''200 P1 shares'' here.
And I want P200.
I keep telling you, shares go up and down.
That's not my fault.
I want P200 'cause that's what it says here.
All right.
I'll give you 200 quid for them.
That sounds fair.
I know you wouldn't cheat me, Mr Stokes.
-Give me the share certificate.
-When I get the money.
I'll keep it until then.
A word of warning, Henry.
If any of the family get to know about this, they'll have them shares off you.
Not a word to a soul.
200 quid is a lot of money.
Yes, I could buy 4 3 bicycles with electric lamps.
-You wouldn't, would you? -I'm not daft, Mr Stokes.
No, you are not daft, Henry.
Dad, you've cheated him.
Sir Ralph offered you P5,000! He offered it to me, not to him.
200 quid is more money than he's ever seen in his life.
You haven't even got P200 to give him in the first place.
I think I know how I can get it.
Hello, Jim, me old pal.
You've done that table a treat.
It would have been nice if you'd been here to help.
I'll make no bones about it.
I've had to pawn my watch.
The wife's got herself into financial difficulty.
A funny thing happened to me today when I was at the pawnbroker's.
Do you remember that emerald that fell out of Mr Teddy's ring when we were trying to save his life and I forgot to give it back to him? Liar, you stole it.
You were so scared with them shells coming over, you couldn't see straight.
It was nine years ago.
Memories play tricks on you.
The point is, the man at the pop shop's still got the emerald.
I don't want to discuss it.
-Has Mr Teddy still got the ring? -Yes.
He keeps it in his cufflink box.
Do you want me to steal it for you? Don't be sarcastic.
It doesn't suit you.
Use your brains for once.
Think how grateful Mr Teddy will be if I can get that stone.
What are you going to do? Knock on Mr Teddy's door and say, ''Excuse me, sir.
I found the stone from that ring.
You remember, I stole it from you.
'' Stop using that word stole.
You can wriggle as much as you want.
It doesn't alter the truth.
You stole it.
The point is, the man at the pawnbroker's gave me 50 quid for it and he's not been able to sell it.
I reckon I can get it back for 60 quid and Mr Teddy will give me 300.
I want no part of it.
All right, you've got no part of it.
Just lend me the 60 quid as a pal for old times' sake.
I curse the day I first met you, Alf Stokes.
If it wasn't for you, I'd be the butler in this house.
You try any monkey business with that emerald and I shall tell Mr Teddy how you got it! Oh, no, you won't.
Because you was in that shallow with me.
Why didn't you tell him when we went to visit him in hospital? Why didn't you tell him when I first came here? I'll tell you why.
Because you were an accessory.
-I did nothing! -Who's going to believe you? Sometimes I feel I've sold my soul to the devil.
Does that mean you won't lend me the money? Mrs Lipton said you want the flowers for your arrangements.
Were you talking? Not exactly.
Just two old comrades getting sentimental over old times.
Give me the flowers, Ivy.
You do those flowers wonderfully, Mr Twelvetrees.
Well, Ivy, I did win first prize for art at the Burstow Road Council School.
-You've got very artistic hands.
-Thank you, Ivy.
You look ever so put out, Mr Twelvetrees.
Are you all right? Well, to tell you the truth, Ivy, Mr Stokes and I have a different philosophy.
What's that? -We don't see things in the same way.
-What do you mean? Well, I believe in an ordered, structured society with everyone knowing their place.
If they wish to advance themselves, it should only be by hard work and diligence.
Mr Stokes is one of those socialists.
What's that mean? Between you and me, I think he'd like to get rid of the King.
Oh, no! The King's a lovely man.
Does he want to get rid of the Queen as well? Yes.
He wants to tear down the structure of society and replace it with the common man.
Which one? Have a committee like they do in Russia.
What, with beards and fur hats? In our case, red handkerchiefs and cloth caps.
It wouldn't seem right to be told what to do by a man who wasn't wearing a top hat.
No, Ivy.
It would definitely not be right.
You're ever so clever knowing all about politics and stuff.
Thank you, Ivy.
I always read The Times.
The next day, when His Lordship's finished with it of course.
Mrs Lipton said you'd make someone a good husband.
Don't take much notice of girls, do you? Well, Ivy, like any other man, I have stirrings.
Fancy.
The trouble is, the only lady to whom I feel I could ever give my heart is separated from me by a wide social gulf that's impossible to bridge.
You mean you're soppy about Poppy.
That will do, Ivy.
-Is it as obvious as all that? -Yes.
Oh, it's so hopeless.
Well, then, why do you keep bothering? You could meet somebody nice.
Well, as a temporary measure.
And you might get to like them.
The only girls I ever meet are in domestic service.
They have no breadth of vision beyond Peg's Paper.
What could I possibly have in common with them? Oh, I see.
I think I'll become a socialist.
Why? 'Cause if the world was run by common men, you might look at a common woman.
-Ivy, you mean that you -Yes.
Now you know.
Just a minute.
(Whispering) You're early tonight, Alf.
-I was anxious to see you, Blanche.
-You've seen me all day.
In your working clothes with your cook's hat hiding your hair.
Not like you look now, standing in front of me, ready for bed.
If you'd been two minutes later, I'd have had cream on my face.
Wouldn't have bothered me as long as you're underneath it.
Oh, Alf, you are a flatterer.
To tell you the truth, I don't use cold cream.
I use cooking fat.
Do you really? I put I put a little dollop about the size of my fingernail on each cheek, on my forehead, chin and on the end of my nose.
And then I rub it well in so no one can see what it is.
You mean you have other men in your bedroom looking at your face? No, certainly not.
I never! Oh, Alf, you are a tease.
You're having me on.
-Here's to us, Blanche.
-Good health.
You know, Alf, since you came here you've no idea how much you've brightened up my life with your cheeky goings-on.
It's kind of you to say that, Blanche.
But to tell you the truth, I am not a happy man.
Oh, Alf.
Oh, tell Blanche all about it.
-You see, it's like this.
-Oh, my poor boy.
Blanche, just a minute, just a minute.
Let me pour you another drop of port and then I'll tell you.
You see when I was a mad, impetuous youth of 1 6, I fell madly in love with a young girl from a travelling circus and we ran away together and got married at Gretna Green.
-You're married, Alf? -Hear me out, Blanche.
I only had a few weeks of nuptial bliss.
And when going home one day to the caravan, unexpected like, I opened the door and there she was, my young bride with the ringmaster, at it.
Oh, Alf.
Oh, my poor boy.
Just a minute, Blanche.
There's more to come.
I was downcast, desperate.
So I signed on as a cabin boy on a banana boat.
-Do banana boats have cabins? -This one did.
Anyway, I managed to piece my life together, but I could never marry.
And then last year, I ran into her once again.
And you You fell in love with her all over again.
No.
She'd grown very fat Thin, haggard.
Well, I started divorce proceedings and it dragged on and on.
Finally, I got a letter off my solicitor a few weeks ago saying I could have the degree nassaur.
But it would cost me 60 quid.
Oh, Alf.
You mean you're free? No.
I thought what need have I of freedom? So I put it my pocket and forgot about it.
Until the day I came here and saw you.
Oh, Alf.
Oh, you must write to him first thing tomorrow morning.
-Blanche, I haven't got the 60 quid.
-Oh, yes, you have.
Get up.
I wondered what that lump was.
-Morning, Daddy.
-Morning, Poppy.
-Morning, Grandmother.
-My darling.
-Morning, family.
-Morning.
Sorry I'm late.
Overslept.
I had a wonderful dream about a tall, dark, handsome man.
He looked rather like James.
Here's a fresh pot of coffee, m'lord.
If you want anything else, just ring.
Thank you, James.
Thank you, James.
Poppy, you must stop teasing James.
He can't retaliate.
You mustn't abuse your superior position.
We won't have a superior position by the time you finish dragging our family through the divorce court.
Daddy's not going through any divorce court.
I have had long talks with Ivy.
I bet you have.
She told Sir Ralph nothing.
There's no proof.
Think of the scandal if one of those awful barristers gets Ivy in the witness box.
I'm happy to tell you, it probably won't get that far.
You see, Stokes has got a bit of a hold over Sir Ralph.
-What sort of a hold? -Well, we won't go into that.
Anyway, it seems he's not going to proceed.
Do I know Sir Ralph? He came to the fancy dress party.
He was a fireman.
Why are you having an affair with the wife of a fireman? Be careful, George.
They have very powerful hoses.
What a stroke of luck Stokes came here.
He's a first class chap.
-Where is he? -Yes, where is he? I've got some news for him.
You'll never guess where he's gone.
Remember that emerald that some bounder stole out of my ring during the war? Well, Stokes thinks he's found it in a pawnshop.
What was our butler doing in a pawnshop? Have you checked the silver lately, George? He told me in confidence he was retrieving a pledge for Mrs Lipton.
Apparently she drinks a bit late at night in her room.
Hope it isn't our port.
Oh, no.
Stokes told me he'd never allow that.
Anyhow, he's gone to get it for me.
How terribly rare.
It must be a million to one chance.
Or two million.
Depends how many pawnshops there are.
Here it is, Mr Stokes.
Wrapped in the same bit of newspaper you gave it me in.
Wonderful.
Now you gave me 50, what would you say if I gave you 60? Oh, no, Mr Stokes.
Nine years? You would have to make it 90.
But I've only got 60.
Tell you what, I've known you for a long time.
I'll keep it for you.
But I've got to have it now.
All right, Mr Stokes.
I'll take the 60 quid and you give me an IOU for 40.
60 and 40, that's 1 00.
You said 90.
Unsecured loan, Mr Stokes.
But I'm not worried, I know where you work.
And if you can't repay me in cash, I'm sure you can find some little thing to put my way by the end of the week.
I don't know whether you've noticed, James, but I've been avoiding Ivy for the past two days.
Indeed, sir.
I feel an awful cad.
The fact is, I've fallen for someone else.
Miss Madge Cartwright? No, no.
Not Madge Cartwright.
It's a housemaid.
She's absolutely bowled me over.
The only trouble is the only way I can get to see her is by going to see Madge Cartwright.
I've got it, sir.
By Jove, this is exciting.
James, get the ring.
I'm afraid he wanted P300 for it, sir.
I don't care.
I'll give anything to get it back.
Come to think of it, he said 350.
-Oh, what's it matter? -Here's the ring, sir.
And, erhere's the stone.
Gosh.
I think it goes the other way up, sir.
Isn't that wonderful? -Oh, no.
That's not my stone.
-Of course it is.
It's still in the same bit of paper what the bloke brought in, he said.
This one's got a chip in it.
Mine didn't have a chip in it.
That was done by the bayonet.
Perhaps.
No, definitely not my stone.
-It must be.
-I'm sure Mr Teddy knows his own stone.
Take it back.
Tell him we don't want it.
Now, what tie shall I wear today, James? Dear Lord (Knocking on door) Just a minute.
Go away, Mr Teddy.
It's me, Ivy.
I was just going to pray for you.
I need it.
I've no one to turn to but you.
My whole world's fallen apart, Ivy.
Well, it's your own fault, Dad.
Why can't you be content? You've got a nice job here.
You're ever so good at butling.
When I saw you tonight at dinner dolloping out that yellow sauce -Hollandaise.
-Yes, that.
I felt ever so proud.
You're so graceful and delicate, considering what fat hands you've got.
I can't stand it.
It's eating me up.
I should be sitting at that table with someone graceful serving me.
Fat chance of that, Dad.
I'm so near.
All I need is 200 quid to get those shares from Henry.
Supposing you do get them, Lady Lavender might ask for them back.
Possession is nine-tenths of the law, Ivy.
Look, Henry likes you.
You've got to persuade him to let me have those shares on tick.
-No, Dad.
-I'll give him an IOU.
I'll give him more when I get the money from Sir Ralph.
-I'll make it 500.
-I said no, Dad.
Henry's my friend and I'm not doing him down.
All right.
I know what I'll have to do.
I'll take something from the house.
There must be dozens of things here that'll raise 200 quid.
They're a lovely family and I'm not going to let you steal from them.
That's not stealing.
As soon as I've done the deal, I'll get it back.
-You mustn't do it, Dad.
-That's up to you, Ivy.
But one way or another, I'm going to have them shares.
Good night.
It's me again, Ivy.
You remember, I was on to you earlier.
Now, I know you're busy, but I've got a bit of a problem.
From Mayfair to Park Lane You will hear this same refrain In every house again, again You rang, m'lord? Stepping out on the town The social whirl goes round and round The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? The Bunny Hug at the Shim Sham club The Charleston at The Ritz #And at the Troc do the Turkey Trot They give Aunt Maude a thousand fits Talking flicks are here today And Lindbergh's from the USA Poor Valentino's passed away How sad, m'lord.
Pull them down, Henry.
-Can I go to bed then? -No, you cannot.
It's 2:30.
You should count yourself lucky, young Henry.
The last party His Lordship gave we didn't finish clearing up till 5:00 in the morning.
We only had an hour and a half's sleep.
You don't want to miss your beauty sleep, Mrs Lipton.
It's bad for the bags under your eyes.
Hold your tongue! Take those plates over to Mabel.
Thank goodness that's the last lot.
I haven't had my hands out of hot water for five hours.
Look at them.
They're red raw.
What are you complaining about, Mabel? You're the only one who's getting paid extra.
What, threepence an hour? You'll have done 21 hours by the time you finish.
That's five and threepence you've earned today.
How many people could say the same? There's a nice pot of tea for us all.
In times of need, it keeps you going.
That's what I always say.
Yes, Mrs Lipton, that's what you always say.
Where have you been, Ivy? I had to clear up in Miss Cissy's room before she could get to bed.
Her friends left it in a terrible mess.
Miss Cissy's room? Hope you didn't stop long.
She wouldn't talk to me.
Nobody's talking to me.
-I'm not surprised.
-Why? What have I done? Least said, soonest mended.
-His Lordship's in a terrible state.
-Is he asleep? He soon will be.
I've had to give him a sleeping draught.
-You've got a lot to answer for, Ivy.
-What's it got to do with me? According to His Lordship, you spilt the beans to Sir Ralph.
-What about? -What about she says.
Have you no brains in your head, girl? Ivy, you told Sir Ralph that His Lordship was carrying on with Lady Agatha and now there's going to be a divorce and you're the evidence.
I've never seen any evidence.
We all know they'd been going at it hammer and tongs.
Watch your tongue, you dirty little devil! Are you going to send me to bed? No, I am not.
Go and help Mabel with the washing up.
Oh, I didn't mean any harm.
I was just having a chat with him.
-Servants do not chat to their betters.
-They are not her betters.
They're just rich.
What exactly did you say to him, Ivy? Nothing.
Just that Lady Agatha came to dinner, felt ill and had to stay the night.
-Did you say you saw them in bed together? -Please! Not in front of Mrs Lipton.
It's got to be said.
Ivy, did you say you saw them in bed together? -No, I didn't.
'Cause I didn't.
-Ivy.
-Cross my heart and hope to die.
-In that case, Sir Ralph's bluffing.
He's using Ivy to get at His Lordship.
We must all rally round His Lordship and Lady Agatha and protect their reputations against these scandalous accusations.
Even if they have been going at it hammer and tongs.
Henry, come here.
What's that mark on the table? (Whistling) -Do you think they'll sack me, Dad? -I'm just about to speak to His Lordship now.
Are you going to tell him that Sir Ralph has offered you P5,000 for those shares? Certainly not.
I haven't got them yet.
Lady Lavender might change her mind and give them to someone else.
We've got to handle this situation very delicately, Ivy.
When I get my hands on those shares you won't see my heels for dust.
But if you sell them to Sir Ralph, you'll be leaving His Lordship in the lurch.
When have the upper classes ever bothered about the likes of you and me, Ivy? -It's not right, Dad.
-I'll be the judge of that.
-Whose tea is that? -Miss Cissy's.
Don't stay long.
Good morning, m'lord.
Your early morning tea.
Thank God for that.
I had a shocking night.
-Shall I pour, sir? -Please do.
My mind's been going round and round.
I finally reached a conclusion.
That girl Ivy must go.
I understand your feelings, sir, but I've questioned the girl very closely and she definitely did not tell Sir Ralph that she saw you and Lady Agatha enjoying intimacy together.
How dare you, Stokes? I'm sorry, sir, but that's what they'll call it in the divorce court.
Yes, you're right, Stokes.
What a mess.
I think it's possible, sir, that Sir Ralph is having you on.
What do you mean? The girl swears she delivered the tea and saw nothing.
-Is she telling the truth? -She crossed her heart and wished to die.
A very solemn oath amongst parlour maids.
Sir Ralph will stick at nothing.
He's determined to ruin me.
Damn good job you agreed to sell me those shares.
It occurred to me, sir, that I might offer to sell them to Sir Ralph -if he agrees to drop the divorce proceedings.
-Are you mad? The first thing he'll do is vote me off the board of directors.
Once he stops the proceedings, I can, of course, deny all knowledge of the arrangement.
Yes, but if he doesn't get the shares, he'll start the divorce proceedings up again.
Ivy is the only witness, sir, and by that time, no doubt, you could arrange for a well-paid position for her in a far flung outpost of the British Empire.
But that would mean your going back on your word.
It wouldn't be fair play.
In my station in life, I can seldom afford the luxury of fair play, sir.
Can't you? Good.
Just one thing, sir.
Could you possibly ask Lady Lavender's solicitor to hasten the transfer of the share certificates? Well, you know what she's like.
She might change her mind again.
Wouldn't give you the shares after all.
In that case, sir, I should have no hold over Sir Ralph.
Couldn't you just say you've got the shares? -Would you call that fair play, sir? -I see what you mean.
If I can convince Sir Ralph, I'm sure you will have no further problems, sir.
Thank goodness I've got someone like you to rely on, Stokes.
M'lord.
-Pour me out another cup of tea, will you? -Yes, sir.
If you ask me, James, the whole evening was an absolute disaster.
Well, Miss Cartwright seemed to be enjoying herself, sir.
I don't know if you're aware of this, James, but that brother of mine is trying to get me to propose to her.
Well, she cut a fine figure as Britannia, caused quite a lot of hilarity when she tried to toast three sausages on her trident.
That's the trouble with her.
She's always mucking about.
So different from Ivy.
Standing there with her frilly cap and apron and her shiny face, looking after us all, making sure we all got drinks.
Yes, sir.
Which cufflinks will you be wearing today, sir? Oh, I'll come and choose some myself.
Oh, do you remember this ring, James? I was wearing it the day you saved my life.
I remember it as if it were yesterday, sir.
-It was nine years ago, James.
-They were terrible times, sir.
TEDDY: I was leading my men forward.
We came under this hail of artillery fire.
I got this terrible bang on the head.
That's when I must have fallen into that shell hole where you and Stokes found me.
JAMES: We thought you were dead.
TEDDY: I often wish I could lay my hands on the bounder who stole the emerald from this ring.
Some swine must have yanked it out with a bayonet or something.
JAMES: Very likely, sir.
TEDDY: I wouldn't be surprised if it was some damn Jerry.
JAMES: Quite possibly, sir.
And you and Stokes carried me back.
He's a fine man, isn't he? Very strong, sir.
I shall never forget what you two did.
As far as I'm concerned, you and Stokes have got a job here for as long as you live.
(Knocking on door) -I brought your golf shoes, Miss Cissy.
-Thank you, Ivy.
-Sorry, I can't stop.
-Ivy! Why is it that every time you come into my room the first thing you always say is ''Sorry, I can't stop''? -Well, I've always got a lot of things to do.
-Well, they can wait.
Now hand me my plus fours.
I'm meeting Penelope on the courts in half an hour.
Do you go to the same golf club as the Honourable Teddy? No, I resigned.
They wanted me to wear a skirt.
Dreadful stuffy crowd.
-Where do you play golf now? -I've joined a new club.
Much younger set.
They don't mind girls in the bar.
Chaps can wear suede shoes.
You don't have to be a gentile.
-I've never played golf.
Is it hard? -Normally, no.
But with the head I've got this morning, I probably won't be able to see the ball.
What a wonderful party it was.
Oh, I really enjoyed it.
But everyone's cross with me.
Yes, Ivy, and I was cross with you, too.
You shouldn't chatter to the guests, let alone discuss the family.
Daddy is probably going to finish up in the divorce courts now.
Honestly, Miss Cissy, I never said anything 'cause I never saw anything, I think.
What did you see when you took Lady Agatha's early morning tea to her? Hardly anything.
It was all gloomy.
She wouldn't let me draw the curtains and she wouldn't let me put the light on and she wouldn't let me pour the tea.
I think she wanted to get rid of me quickly.
Why? I thought she wanted to go back to sleep again.
Well, did you see anything at all? -Just this long lump in the bed beside her.
-What? -I think it was a bolster.
-That's all right, then.
-And then it moved, I think.
-You're not sure? -I told you, it was so gloomy.
-Well, it might have been a foot that moved.
Yes, it might, except it was in the middle of the lump, like it was breathing.
-Might have been her elbow? -Yes, it could have been her elbow.
It probably was her elbow.
Then it groaned.
God! You blabbed all this to Sir Ralph? No, Miss Cissy.
The only person I've told this story to is you.
-This is disastrous.
-Is it? If this gets out, it could ruin Daddy.
Now, I want you to look me in the eye and give me a solemn promise that you will not breathe a word of this to a living soul.
-Supposing somebody asks me? -You must lie.
Oh, no, Miss Cissy, I couldn't do that! I used to go to Sunday school in the Band of Hope and sing Jesus Wants Me For A Sunbeam.
If I tell a lie, he won't want me for a sunbeam.
If you tell the truth nobody is going to want you for anything.
Ever.
(Choral music playing on radio) RADIO ANNOUNCER: That concludes our morning -Your liver salts, Miss Poppy.
-Thank you, James.
-A recital of chamber music will follow after -Turn that off.
Oh, James.
Thank you.
My head's killing me.
-Have you got a hangover, James? -No, Miss Poppy.
Well, you wouldn't have, would you? Don't know how lucky you are.
-What a night.
-Yes, it was quite eventful.
-Did Teddy try to get into Ivy's bedroom again? -I believe not, Miss Poppy.
Anyhow, as soon as I got to my room, I passed out.
You don't suppose anybody tried my door handle, did they? Well, the cleaning lady found Mr Jerry at 6:00 this morning behind the harmonium.
He was hardly capable of mounting the stairs let alone trying anyone's door handle.
I wasn't thinking of Mr Jerry.
You're blushing again.
You make my position very difficult, Miss Poppy.
I'd be far happier if from now on we could just be servant and mistress.
James, what are you suggesting? And don't turn till I tell you, Henry.
Otherwise you'll have my fingers.
-Yes, Mabel.
-Right.
Turn.
-Morning.
-Morning.
Those are nice and white, Mabel.
What's your secret? Two swirls of the blue bag.
I used to do that when I was your age, young Henry.
And if I caught my mum's fingers, she'd tan my hide with a wooden spoon.
That's what makes you the man you are today, Constable Wilson.
You couldn't have said a truer word, Henry.
Morning, Ivy.
-You all right? -Oh, yes, thank you.
-Morning, all.
-Morning, Constable.
I see I'm just in time for a cup of your most excellent tea, Mrs Lipton.
Sit yourself down, Constable Wilson.
-What's that black stuff on those biscuits? -It's called caviar.
-It's left over from the party.
-Oh, I've never tried that.
Help yourself.
It's all fishy, isn't it? -I don't reckon much to it myself.
-Nobody down here likes it.
I'll give to Mabel.
Her cat can have it.
What's the matter with Ivy? She's piping her eye out.
Is she? I'll find out what's wrong.
He's got a good heart.
He looks after her like a father.
Don't take on, Ivy.
It's not your fault.
You've done nothing wrong that I can't put right.
Oh, it's not that.
I've had a letter from Mum.
The landlord's going to turn her out.
-But we both send her money each week.
-It's not enough, Dad.
-She's three months behind with the rent.
-There's only one answer.
-This'll have to go in again.
-Oh, no, not again, Dad.
When we were on tour together, it used to be in every Monday.
Well, I got it out every Friday, didn't I? And this'll be the last time.
When I finish with His Lordship, you and I will be on easy street.
Don't count your chickens, Dad.
-Lady Lavender hasn't given you the shares yet.
-She will.
Don't worry.
I'll get the postal order and your mother will have it first thing in the morning.
Oh, thanks, Dad.
You really do love Mum, don't you? I love you both very much.
Here, Mabel, I just seen Mr Stokes kissing Ivy.
Oh, goes on all the time in these big houses.
Butlers and maids, mistresses and footmen.
What about daily women? The last person that stole a kiss from me was a soldier on leave during the war.
What, the Boer War? Hello, Mr Stokes.
Haven't seen you for quite a time.
I've got a good job now.
-Given up the boards, have you? -Variety's dead.
It's all films now.
I've gone back into service.
Head butler to Lord Meldrum.
-Does that mean you're in the money? -Not at the moment.
-I'll have the usual.
-Ah, we're old friends.
-It's only temporary, of course.
-Yes, of course.
-Is it woman trouble again? -The wife's been chucking it about a bit.
Funny you should come in today.
I was turning out some old stuff from my safe.
I came across that emerald you brought in just after the war ended.
The one I got off a German general we'd taken prisoner? You told me it was given to you by a British officer for saving his life.
Yes, it was.
Well, it's a long time ago.
What puzzles me is, why didn't he give you the whole ring instead of just the stone? Well, he did.
I had it on me finger.
And I lost it when I was in hand-to-hand combat with a mad Turk in Mesopotamia.
You told me you were in France.
I was before I was in Mesopotamia.
I never sold it.
There's not much call for a loose stone.
Only in the trade.
It had a chip on it as if someone had prised it out of its setting.
That was the Turk with his khukri.
Khukris are used by Gurkhas.
-He got it off a Gurkha.
-Right.
Here we are.
One, two, three, four.
-What's this? I usually have a fiver.
-Times are hard, Mr Stokes.
If you don't come back, I might be stuck with it for years.
Like that emerald.
You won't be stuck with it.
I've got a good job.
Yes, so you said.
You're working for Lord Meldrum.
He must have some nice bits and pieces.
It's like Aladdin's cave.
-What, jewellery? -Jewellery, silver, pictures.
Doesn't seem right, does it? -Him having everything and you nothing.
-No.
You served your country in the war along with all the others and where are they now? -Most of them in the dole queue.
-It'll all change.
The day will come when I'll be up there and Lord Meldrum will be polishing my shoes.
You sound angry.
And I don't blame you, Mr Stokes.
In your place, I'd feel the same.
Just remember, I'm always in the market for nice little bits and pieces.
And I don't ask any questions.
How about giving us the extra quid? All right, Mr Stokes, as a gesture of goodwill.
I'm sure we're gonna do business together in the future.
Thank you.
Who was that on the telephone? Agatha.
Sir Ralph has turned her out.
She's staying with her mother in Pimlico.
All your chickens are coming home to roost now, aren't they? -You sound as if you're enjoying this, Teddy.
-Well, I am.
You're always so high and mighty, always preaching at me, telling me what a silly arse I am.
Who's going to be sitting in that witness box, eh? Who's going to be branded as a common poodle-faker, eh? -Ask me that.
-Don't you crow too early, Teddy.
According to Stokes, that girl said nothing to Sir Ralph so there's absolutely no evidence.
Oh, come on, George.
We all know what's going on.
-Half of London knows what's going on.
-But there is no proof.
What more proof do you want? One of those His Master's Voice recordings? Vocal Gems From The Guestroom? Duets From George And Agatha.
Pale hands I love Beneath the bally-eyed glove You really are beyond the pale, Teddy.
Pity Father never sent you to Australia after you'd seduced the dormitory maid at Eton.
I didn't seduce her.
She led me on.
I was only a boy.
Only a boy? You were nearly 1 9.
How old was the girl? Nearly 1 6 and a half.
Anyway, it's all water under the bridge.
I'm in a terrible mess and we've got to stick together.
For the sake of the family.
I'm sorry, George.
You're a good egg.
But you are inclined to be a bit of an old washerwoman.
Oh, shut up.
Now look Stokes has got a devious plan to get me off the hook by telling Sir Ralph he'll sell him those rubber shares.
-Lavvy hasn't given them to him yet.
-I'll make damn sure she does.
-Anyway, that is the plan.
What do you think? -Rotten.
I've finished it.
There.
What do you think? Absolutely first class.
The best thing you've ever done.
-What is it? -My parrot.
-Which part of a parrot? -It's the bust of his head.
Oh, yes, of course.
Oh, yes, you've got the head to a T.
I'm going to have an exhibition at the Grafton Galleries.
-But you've only done six.
-I can spread them out.
-But they're all parrots.
-Well, it doesn't matter, Teddy.
Epstein did busts and they were all people.
What about these shares? -What shares? -The Union Jack Rubber Company shares.
Oh, you're not having my shares.
No, the ones you're giving to Stokes.
-Oh, yes, he collects trays.
-That's right.
Yes, I offered him a silver one.
But he said he'd got one already.
Well, I'm going to get these share certificates out of the safe so you can sign the documents.
I've got shares in some of your other companies.
Oh, yes, you've got a big holding in the West Indian Sugar and Molasses Company.
You got that sugar by swapping it for slaves, didn't you? Well, not recently.
Oh, promise me you haven't got any left.
It's against the law, you know.
We don't want the police round here searching the house.
No, Lavender.
We got rid of the last one in 1 825.
Well, he might have had a piccaninny.
Don't worry.
George will have a jolly good look round to make sure.
(Knocking on door) Come in.
-Excuse me, m'lord.
How many for tea? -Three, please, James.
-Cucumber sandwiches? -Yes, please.
And some of Mrs Lipton's most excellent cherry cake.
-Will there be anything else? -Yes.
Have a good look round and see if there are any slaves in the servants' quarters.
They finished their tea.
I never saw anything like it.
They gobbled up all the cucumber sandwiches.
Oh, Mr Teddy never could resist my cucumber sandwiches.
I used to give him packets of them when he went back to boarding school.
''Don't cry, Mr Teddy,'' I used to say to him.
''Think of all those cucumber sandwiches.
'' I don't know why the upper classes always send their kids to boarding school.
It's disgraceful.
Look what they did to Tom Brown.
Roasting him in front of a fire.
Did they roast you, Henry, when you were in the orphanage? They would have done, but they couldn't afford a fire.
Look what they've done to that cherry cake.
Decimated it.
-You better finish it off, Constable Wilson.
-Oh, I couldn't manage anymore.
Tell you what, I'll just pick out the cherries.
I'll give the rest to Mabel.
Yes, and there's them crusts you cut off when you were making the sandwiches.
She can have them and all.
Poor soul.
Can't you give her anything better than that? Well, she ought to be grateful.
She lives in a very poor neighbourhood.
People next door to her are much worse off than she is.
I'll dry, Henry.
Are you all right now, Ivy? What are you talking about? Well, I saw you having a little cry this morning.
Oh, I'd just got a letter from my mum.
Well, if you got any bother, you can tell me.
I'm good at trouble because I've had so much of it.
You're a real friend to me, Henry.
-That's 'cause I like you.
-And I like you.
I saw Mr Stokes kissing you this morning.
He's not bothering you, is he? No, no, he was He was just being friendly 'cause I was crying.
Well, if he pesters you, just let me know and I'll give him a thick ear.
You mustn't do that, Henry.
I know a lot about thick ears 'cause I've had so many of them myself.
I want to protect you, Ivy.
We got to look after each other 'cause we're both at the bottom of the pile.
What about Mabel? Well, she's a different pile.
Poor soul.
Oh, it's not fair.
It's not fair the way that people have been going on at you since the party, especially that James Twelvetrees.
Oh, I don't mind about him.
In fact, I quite like him.
-You haven't fallen for him, have you? -Of course not.
-You have.
-Don't be daft.
Mind you, he's ever so good-looking.
Do you think I'm good-looking? Wellsort of.
-Take your glasses off.
-You take your glasses off.
What do you think? It doesn't matter what either of us look like, does it? -We're well matched, Ivy.
-Yes, two of a kind.
-Have you finished that washing up yet, Ivy? -Yes, Mrs Lipton.
Well, don't stand there gossiping.
Go up and get Lady Lavender's tea tray.
Oh, I've got a clean apron on, Mrs Lipton, and it's my last one.
-I'll go for you, Ivy.
-Thanks, Henry.
Don't forget to dodge.
-I've sent the postal order off, Ivy.
-Oh, thanks, Dad.
-Sorry about your watch.
-Don't worry about that.
When I get those shares, I'll buy a 22-carat gold Hunter that chimes.
Come on, let's go and have a cup of tea.
Oh, you're back then, Mr Stokes? I'm afraid this tea's a bit stewed.
I'll make you another pot.
I'm afraid I've done for the cherry cake.
You'll never guess what, Mr Stokes.
A message came on through on that telephone thing for you.
Oh, really? I'm no good at machines.
Constable Wilson worked it.
It was Sir Ralph Shawcross's butler.
His master wants to talk to you.
-There's his number.
-Thank you.
I'll do it now.
OPERATOR: Number, please.
Mayfair 2203.
What number are you speaking from? Grosvenor 0950.
Hold the line, please.
Mr Stokes is coming up in the world.
Getting phone calls from the gentry.
Is that Sir Ralph Shawcross's butler? This is Lord Meldrum's butler.
I understand your master wishes to communicate with me.
Have you ever used the telephone, Ivy? Once or twice, but my mum says it's dangerous.
The electricity goes right through your head and goes to your brain.
I reckon we're better off without it.
You can't stop progress, Mrs Lipton.
They say you can talk to America on it.
What would you say? Well, you'd have to know someone.
Do you know anyone in America, Mrs Lipton? No, can't say I do.
Well, there you are, then.
That's agreed then, Sir Ralph.
You instruct your solicitors to drop the divorce proceedings and I will sell you my shares in the Union Jack Rubber Company for P5000.
Yes, sir.
Right, thank you.
Good day, sir.
Hang on, Henry.
I'll have a couple of those cucumber sandwiches.
Oh, thanks, Henry.
You're a pal.
Didn't Lady Lavender like the cucumber sandwiches? -No.
-Have you cleared up? No, she didn't chuck anything.
She gave me this bit of paper.
It's got nice gold letters on it.
She said that I should put it in a frame.
What's the Union Jack Rubber Company? Hey! It says here 200 P1 shares.
She's given that to you? Yes, well you know what she's like.
Oh, Henry, aren't you lucky? Yes, you are a lucky boy, Henry.
Because I happen to know people that collect that sort of thing.
They like all the gold lettering around the edge and that fancy red seal.
They hang them on the walls in their posh houses.
-Do they? -Yes, they'd pay as much as 1 0 quid for that.
-Would they? -They might even go up to 50.
-Mr Stokes! -Shut up, Ivy.
-That's more than I get in a year.
-It's more than I get as well.
Well, there you are.
I'll give you 50 quid for them.
That's not right.
It says here, ''200 P1 shares.
'' I've learnt my tables.
200 ones is 200.
That's right, Henry.
Shares go up and down.
These are down to five and threepence each.
That means they're worth P60.
P62, ten shillings.
All right.
I'll give you P62 1 0s for them.
I don't understand all that.
It says ''200 P1 shares'' here.
And I want P200.
I keep telling you, shares go up and down.
That's not my fault.
I want P200 'cause that's what it says here.
All right.
I'll give you 200 quid for them.
That sounds fair.
I know you wouldn't cheat me, Mr Stokes.
-Give me the share certificate.
-When I get the money.
I'll keep it until then.
A word of warning, Henry.
If any of the family get to know about this, they'll have them shares off you.
Not a word to a soul.
200 quid is a lot of money.
Yes, I could buy 4 3 bicycles with electric lamps.
-You wouldn't, would you? -I'm not daft, Mr Stokes.
No, you are not daft, Henry.
Dad, you've cheated him.
Sir Ralph offered you P5,000! He offered it to me, not to him.
200 quid is more money than he's ever seen in his life.
You haven't even got P200 to give him in the first place.
I think I know how I can get it.
Hello, Jim, me old pal.
You've done that table a treat.
It would have been nice if you'd been here to help.
I'll make no bones about it.
I've had to pawn my watch.
The wife's got herself into financial difficulty.
A funny thing happened to me today when I was at the pawnbroker's.
Do you remember that emerald that fell out of Mr Teddy's ring when we were trying to save his life and I forgot to give it back to him? Liar, you stole it.
You were so scared with them shells coming over, you couldn't see straight.
It was nine years ago.
Memories play tricks on you.
The point is, the man at the pop shop's still got the emerald.
I don't want to discuss it.
-Has Mr Teddy still got the ring? -Yes.
He keeps it in his cufflink box.
Do you want me to steal it for you? Don't be sarcastic.
It doesn't suit you.
Use your brains for once.
Think how grateful Mr Teddy will be if I can get that stone.
What are you going to do? Knock on Mr Teddy's door and say, ''Excuse me, sir.
I found the stone from that ring.
You remember, I stole it from you.
'' Stop using that word stole.
You can wriggle as much as you want.
It doesn't alter the truth.
You stole it.
The point is, the man at the pawnbroker's gave me 50 quid for it and he's not been able to sell it.
I reckon I can get it back for 60 quid and Mr Teddy will give me 300.
I want no part of it.
All right, you've got no part of it.
Just lend me the 60 quid as a pal for old times' sake.
I curse the day I first met you, Alf Stokes.
If it wasn't for you, I'd be the butler in this house.
You try any monkey business with that emerald and I shall tell Mr Teddy how you got it! Oh, no, you won't.
Because you was in that shallow with me.
Why didn't you tell him when we went to visit him in hospital? Why didn't you tell him when I first came here? I'll tell you why.
Because you were an accessory.
-I did nothing! -Who's going to believe you? Sometimes I feel I've sold my soul to the devil.
Does that mean you won't lend me the money? Mrs Lipton said you want the flowers for your arrangements.
Were you talking? Not exactly.
Just two old comrades getting sentimental over old times.
Give me the flowers, Ivy.
You do those flowers wonderfully, Mr Twelvetrees.
Well, Ivy, I did win first prize for art at the Burstow Road Council School.
-You've got very artistic hands.
-Thank you, Ivy.
You look ever so put out, Mr Twelvetrees.
Are you all right? Well, to tell you the truth, Ivy, Mr Stokes and I have a different philosophy.
What's that? -We don't see things in the same way.
-What do you mean? Well, I believe in an ordered, structured society with everyone knowing their place.
If they wish to advance themselves, it should only be by hard work and diligence.
Mr Stokes is one of those socialists.
What's that mean? Between you and me, I think he'd like to get rid of the King.
Oh, no! The King's a lovely man.
Does he want to get rid of the Queen as well? Yes.
He wants to tear down the structure of society and replace it with the common man.
Which one? Have a committee like they do in Russia.
What, with beards and fur hats? In our case, red handkerchiefs and cloth caps.
It wouldn't seem right to be told what to do by a man who wasn't wearing a top hat.
No, Ivy.
It would definitely not be right.
You're ever so clever knowing all about politics and stuff.
Thank you, Ivy.
I always read The Times.
The next day, when His Lordship's finished with it of course.
Mrs Lipton said you'd make someone a good husband.
Don't take much notice of girls, do you? Well, Ivy, like any other man, I have stirrings.
Fancy.
The trouble is, the only lady to whom I feel I could ever give my heart is separated from me by a wide social gulf that's impossible to bridge.
You mean you're soppy about Poppy.
That will do, Ivy.
-Is it as obvious as all that? -Yes.
Oh, it's so hopeless.
Well, then, why do you keep bothering? You could meet somebody nice.
Well, as a temporary measure.
And you might get to like them.
The only girls I ever meet are in domestic service.
They have no breadth of vision beyond Peg's Paper.
What could I possibly have in common with them? Oh, I see.
I think I'll become a socialist.
Why? 'Cause if the world was run by common men, you might look at a common woman.
-Ivy, you mean that you -Yes.
Now you know.
Just a minute.
(Whispering) You're early tonight, Alf.
-I was anxious to see you, Blanche.
-You've seen me all day.
In your working clothes with your cook's hat hiding your hair.
Not like you look now, standing in front of me, ready for bed.
If you'd been two minutes later, I'd have had cream on my face.
Wouldn't have bothered me as long as you're underneath it.
Oh, Alf, you are a flatterer.
To tell you the truth, I don't use cold cream.
I use cooking fat.
Do you really? I put I put a little dollop about the size of my fingernail on each cheek, on my forehead, chin and on the end of my nose.
And then I rub it well in so no one can see what it is.
You mean you have other men in your bedroom looking at your face? No, certainly not.
I never! Oh, Alf, you are a tease.
You're having me on.
-Here's to us, Blanche.
-Good health.
You know, Alf, since you came here you've no idea how much you've brightened up my life with your cheeky goings-on.
It's kind of you to say that, Blanche.
But to tell you the truth, I am not a happy man.
Oh, Alf.
Oh, tell Blanche all about it.
-You see, it's like this.
-Oh, my poor boy.
Blanche, just a minute, just a minute.
Let me pour you another drop of port and then I'll tell you.
You see when I was a mad, impetuous youth of 1 6, I fell madly in love with a young girl from a travelling circus and we ran away together and got married at Gretna Green.
-You're married, Alf? -Hear me out, Blanche.
I only had a few weeks of nuptial bliss.
And when going home one day to the caravan, unexpected like, I opened the door and there she was, my young bride with the ringmaster, at it.
Oh, Alf.
Oh, my poor boy.
Just a minute, Blanche.
There's more to come.
I was downcast, desperate.
So I signed on as a cabin boy on a banana boat.
-Do banana boats have cabins? -This one did.
Anyway, I managed to piece my life together, but I could never marry.
And then last year, I ran into her once again.
And you You fell in love with her all over again.
No.
She'd grown very fat Thin, haggard.
Well, I started divorce proceedings and it dragged on and on.
Finally, I got a letter off my solicitor a few weeks ago saying I could have the degree nassaur.
But it would cost me 60 quid.
Oh, Alf.
You mean you're free? No.
I thought what need have I of freedom? So I put it my pocket and forgot about it.
Until the day I came here and saw you.
Oh, Alf.
Oh, you must write to him first thing tomorrow morning.
-Blanche, I haven't got the 60 quid.
-Oh, yes, you have.
Get up.
I wondered what that lump was.
-Morning, Daddy.
-Morning, Poppy.
-Morning, Grandmother.
-My darling.
-Morning, family.
-Morning.
Sorry I'm late.
Overslept.
I had a wonderful dream about a tall, dark, handsome man.
He looked rather like James.
Here's a fresh pot of coffee, m'lord.
If you want anything else, just ring.
Thank you, James.
Thank you, James.
Poppy, you must stop teasing James.
He can't retaliate.
You mustn't abuse your superior position.
We won't have a superior position by the time you finish dragging our family through the divorce court.
Daddy's not going through any divorce court.
I have had long talks with Ivy.
I bet you have.
She told Sir Ralph nothing.
There's no proof.
Think of the scandal if one of those awful barristers gets Ivy in the witness box.
I'm happy to tell you, it probably won't get that far.
You see, Stokes has got a bit of a hold over Sir Ralph.
-What sort of a hold? -Well, we won't go into that.
Anyway, it seems he's not going to proceed.
Do I know Sir Ralph? He came to the fancy dress party.
He was a fireman.
Why are you having an affair with the wife of a fireman? Be careful, George.
They have very powerful hoses.
What a stroke of luck Stokes came here.
He's a first class chap.
-Where is he? -Yes, where is he? I've got some news for him.
You'll never guess where he's gone.
Remember that emerald that some bounder stole out of my ring during the war? Well, Stokes thinks he's found it in a pawnshop.
What was our butler doing in a pawnshop? Have you checked the silver lately, George? He told me in confidence he was retrieving a pledge for Mrs Lipton.
Apparently she drinks a bit late at night in her room.
Hope it isn't our port.
Oh, no.
Stokes told me he'd never allow that.
Anyhow, he's gone to get it for me.
How terribly rare.
It must be a million to one chance.
Or two million.
Depends how many pawnshops there are.
Here it is, Mr Stokes.
Wrapped in the same bit of newspaper you gave it me in.
Wonderful.
Now you gave me 50, what would you say if I gave you 60? Oh, no, Mr Stokes.
Nine years? You would have to make it 90.
But I've only got 60.
Tell you what, I've known you for a long time.
I'll keep it for you.
But I've got to have it now.
All right, Mr Stokes.
I'll take the 60 quid and you give me an IOU for 40.
60 and 40, that's 1 00.
You said 90.
Unsecured loan, Mr Stokes.
But I'm not worried, I know where you work.
And if you can't repay me in cash, I'm sure you can find some little thing to put my way by the end of the week.
I don't know whether you've noticed, James, but I've been avoiding Ivy for the past two days.
Indeed, sir.
I feel an awful cad.
The fact is, I've fallen for someone else.
Miss Madge Cartwright? No, no.
Not Madge Cartwright.
It's a housemaid.
She's absolutely bowled me over.
The only trouble is the only way I can get to see her is by going to see Madge Cartwright.
I've got it, sir.
By Jove, this is exciting.
James, get the ring.
I'm afraid he wanted P300 for it, sir.
I don't care.
I'll give anything to get it back.
Come to think of it, he said 350.
-Oh, what's it matter? -Here's the ring, sir.
And, erhere's the stone.
Gosh.
I think it goes the other way up, sir.
Isn't that wonderful? -Oh, no.
That's not my stone.
-Of course it is.
It's still in the same bit of paper what the bloke brought in, he said.
This one's got a chip in it.
Mine didn't have a chip in it.
That was done by the bayonet.
Perhaps.
No, definitely not my stone.
-It must be.
-I'm sure Mr Teddy knows his own stone.
Take it back.
Tell him we don't want it.
Now, what tie shall I wear today, James? Dear Lord (Knocking on door) Just a minute.
Go away, Mr Teddy.
It's me, Ivy.
I was just going to pray for you.
I need it.
I've no one to turn to but you.
My whole world's fallen apart, Ivy.
Well, it's your own fault, Dad.
Why can't you be content? You've got a nice job here.
You're ever so good at butling.
When I saw you tonight at dinner dolloping out that yellow sauce -Hollandaise.
-Yes, that.
I felt ever so proud.
You're so graceful and delicate, considering what fat hands you've got.
I can't stand it.
It's eating me up.
I should be sitting at that table with someone graceful serving me.
Fat chance of that, Dad.
I'm so near.
All I need is 200 quid to get those shares from Henry.
Supposing you do get them, Lady Lavender might ask for them back.
Possession is nine-tenths of the law, Ivy.
Look, Henry likes you.
You've got to persuade him to let me have those shares on tick.
-No, Dad.
-I'll give him an IOU.
I'll give him more when I get the money from Sir Ralph.
-I'll make it 500.
-I said no, Dad.
Henry's my friend and I'm not doing him down.
All right.
I know what I'll have to do.
I'll take something from the house.
There must be dozens of things here that'll raise 200 quid.
They're a lovely family and I'm not going to let you steal from them.
That's not stealing.
As soon as I've done the deal, I'll get it back.
-You mustn't do it, Dad.
-That's up to you, Ivy.
But one way or another, I'm going to have them shares.
Good night.
It's me again, Ivy.
You remember, I was on to you earlier.
Now, I know you're busy, but I've got a bit of a problem.
From Mayfair to Park Lane You will hear this same refrain In every house again, again You rang, m'lord? Stepping out on the town The social whirl goes round and round The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? The Bunny Hug at the Shim Sham club The Charleston at The Ritz #And at the Troc do the Turkey Trot They give Aunt Maude a thousand fits Talking flicks are here today And Lindbergh's from the USA Poor Valentino's passed away How sad, m'lord.