Zomboat! (2019) s01e04 Episode Script

- Shouldn't you be wearing gloves? - Don't like gloves.
- Who doesn't like gloves? - Lots of people.
Emily Blunt.
Pretty sure Mary Poppins wears gloves.
Only cos Hollywood paid her a million quid.
- But she took the cash and gloved up.
- Yeah.
Sell out.
Yeah.
Plus, she didn't have to wash her hands in infected zombie water.
Stop flirting.
We got any soap? I need to cleanse the face.
Mate, Tinder's gone.
I've spent three years shrinking these pores.
I stop now, all that goes down the drain.
Speaking of which, I can't work the toilet.
Glad the bedtime routine survived the apocalypse.
I have a system, Sunny! Well if your system involves defecating, be careful.
It's a macerator toilet.
They, they chew up your poo.
If it's a really big one, they can jam.
Do you have large faeces? Are they, are they wide? You know, solid, bulky.
That right there, that's why people call you weird.
Why are you here? Why has the boat stopped? - It's getting late.
- We have headlights.
- And no food! - How is food relevant? I can't sleep when I'm hungry.
And we haven't eaten since we haven't eaten! Look, if the motor's off we'll drift.
Boat'll hit the bank and zombies'll get on.
When the motor's off, like now? Normally that goes worse.
- And now, it's worse.
- What are you doing? Jude's trapped, the bank's clear.
Supermarket I worked in's on the other side of the park and we need food.
Oh, could you get me some chicken? Any lean protein, really.
Oh, and a good moisturiser.
- With tea tree.
- No.
You can come with me and carry the bags.
- There could be looters! - We'll be looters.
- And it's a long way to London.
- Where's the next place for food? Exactly! Look, if it's dangerous, we'll come back.
I promise.
I'll get you some Cheerios.
Okay, but honey glazed.
And concentrate on dried and canned goods.
Exactly! And maybe some tequila.
Jo, just be careful! I'm always careful.
You are never careful! - She's got a point, you know.
- Oh, shut up.
Alone at last.
You get the hammer, I'll get the ropes.
Sounds like a fun evening.
Don't let it shut! Been trapped here since this morning.
- Jo? - Hi.
Oh, my God! Jo! - Who's that? - I have no idea.
Can you help? - It's a bit Titanic.
- Oh, that was a terrible movie.
James Cameron started so well with The Terminator.
- And Aliens.
Classic.
- Yeah.
Titanic's just wet people running down corridors for three hours.
Exactly.
And there's tons of room on that plank.
- Yeah.
She even took his lifejacket.
- I wish they'd both died.
I'll throw you the rope.
You moor up.
It's like ringing a dinner bell! And the slower you do it, the higher the chance you'll get caught and eaten.
Thanks.
Comforting.
Well, try hitting the top.
- You seem a bit jumpy.
- First night of the apocalypse.
- Always gonna be a bit scary.
- D'you want me to do it? What? No.
I've got it, I've got it.
Open, you bastards! - So, what happened? - Had a delivery first thing and some of 'em got in.
Remember little Dan? - God, is he still here? - Yeah.
The slave-driving prick.
- He wasn't that bad.
- Well, he panicked, broke the roller door, blew the electrics, now they only work from outside.
Bastard ran off.
- Tried breaking the glass? - If they spent half as much on wages as they do on security glass, we'd be millionaires.
- Don't worry.
We'll get out.
- Oh, I can't believe you're back.
Your Instagram's amazing.
I've never seen water that blue.
- Glad you like it.
And follow me.
- You still got the record, you know? 23 till scans a minute.
I had RSI for a year and still only hit 21.
Grew a ganglion like a golf ball.
Oh, Chloe! Yeah, well, I got lucky.
If anyone deserved to win that trip, it was you.
- And now repping in the sun.
- Living the dream.
- I DM-ed you about any jobs going.
- Yeah! It's rice.
Just stick it in.
The pesticide load on traditionally grown rice is enormous.
How's about we just survive tonight and worry about our five a day later? Is there a gluten-free section? And a toilet? There's some staff ones round the back.
- Where exactly? - By the zombies.
- Zombies? - In here? Broke in this morning.
I trapped 'em in the loading bay.
Just go in the house plants.
- Unless it's a number two.
- Is it a number two? I'll just get more bags.
- Any sign of them? - No.
Trolley barricade actually worked.
- Sorry I doubted you.
- So, I'm not completely useless.
Wow, it's like getting saxophone grade two all over again.
Never said you were completely useless.
Mind you, having beginner saxophone as a headline on your CV doesn't help the cause.
It's easy to criticise the artist.
Hang on.
That trolley wasn't there when we arrived.
Are we lower? - The canal's draining.
- What? How can a canal drain? No, just this bit.
Something must be stuck in the gates.
- What do we do? - We need to get to the next lock.
We need Jo and Amar back, now! You stay, guard the boat.
No, what happened to, "Never split up?" We already are split up.
The relevant rule is never leave your base unguarded.
- It's getting late.
- Look, zombies are humans like us.
Night is empirically no more dangerous than day.
Tell that to every scary thing that's ever happened, ever! - It is just darker daytime.
- Doesn't feel that way! - Fine! You go get them! - No! We should both stay here.
- What is up with you? - I don't like the dark, okay? Come on, that's ridiculous.
It's called nyctophobia.
It can't be ridiculous if it's got a name.
Are you being serious? I got stuck down a tin mine on a school trip, okay? One of the few places on Earth you can experience true darkness.
And I did experience it.
Coach got back to London before they realised.
Do you know how long it takes from Cornwall to London in a coach? Three and a half Four hours? Look, one of us has got to go.
You stay.
Sorry, but you can't turn the lights on.
Zombies'll be like moths to a flame.
They'll have your arms off.
The world's coming to an end and I'm still stuck in my dead-end job.
- I'm stuck here too.
- Yeah, but you've lived.
You've gone to full moon glitter parties, swum with dolphins.
You've danced naked in some of the biggest clubs in the world.
- I really need to limit my posting.
- I need excitement in my life.
Little Dan.
His security pass! We get into his office, we get the keys to the door! Prioritise! Stab him! Fuck you, Dan! Need more knives! This is for the Saturday shift! His heart's on the left! - That was the left! - Her left! Unpaid overtime.
That's his kidneys! Where are you getting all the medical knowledge? And this is for undermining my authority on the shop floor! - His heart's in his chest! - So?! You are going down, little Dan! Hello.
This is Chloe.
Pleased to meet you.
I need a stereo, a death metal album and six D cell batteries.
Evening in? I reckon we've got half an hour till the water's gone and the boat's a foodless room in the mud.
- We need to find that front door key.
- On it.
Have you heard anything about what's caused it? No.
They just said stay indoors.
Typical.
So naive.
Nothing else? The radio said they were looking for people from some flu trial.
Flu trial? So, it's a virus? I knew it would be something like that.
Scientists meddling with nature.
We are living in a game of Resident Evil and they are the Umbrella Corporation.
- So, you're the weird younger sister? - Sorry? - Jo was always telling us about you.
- Was she? Is it true you dressed as Frodo Baggins on your 21st? From the book.
Not the film.
Stories about you were the only thing kept us going on the lottery counter.
- Were they? - It must be great having a sister like that.
You know, she still holds the record for till scans? 23.
You know she cheated, right? What? In fairness, she really wanted to win that trip to Magaluf, but I remember her laughing about it with no remorse.
Had a pot of Actimel hidden up her sleeve, apparently.
Just kept adding it to people's orders.
No-one noticed.
I tried to keep up.
I grew a ganglion.
Oh, God.
Oh, you're that Chloe.
Still, it's not, it's not about winning, is it? Chloe? Who has a macerator toilet? Fuck you, duck! - This is not death metal! - No, but if I'm gonna die, - I'm gonna die to a tune! - Go, go.
- What? - Nothing.
- Office is on the left? - Yeah.
You two really aren't built for end of days, are you? Skincare regimes and childish phobias.
- Phobias? - Yeah.
Sunny is afraid of the dark.
- Oh, he told you about the tin mine? - Yeah.
- It's ridiculous.
- I know.
How hard is it to do a headcount in a mineshaft? No, no, it's pathetic.
That is a clinical problem he's got right there.
Poor guy doesn't even wear black any more.
- Goes with everything! - This is a zombie apocalypse! If he's gonna survive, he's gonna have to grow up.
And you're perfect, are you? There's nothing in the whole wide world you're scared of? Spiders? Snakes? I don't like gloves.
But but I reckon if it was life or death, I could put them on.
- Gloves? - Yeah, what? Emily Blunt's the same.
At least he's got an obia.
- You're scared of a pair of mittens.
- Gloves! Something about the fingers.
How is this the office of a man so anal about shelf stacking? - Oh, he's such a hypocrite.
- Yeah, well, not any more.
So, did they pop the ganglion or what? You can't pop it.
That's not how they work.
You have to wait it out.
Sorry.
Didn't know.
Never had a wrist growth.
That's cos nothing's ever hard for you, is it Jo? Found them! Right, you get the doors, I'll fetch the others.
I'll need the keys.
Meet you by the front door.
Canal's nearly empty.
Night is, empirically, no more dangerous than day.
Oh, duck, don't you dare.
- Can we hurry this up? - Not and eat healthy.
Look out! - Come on! - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Leave the moisturiser! It's still shut! - Yes, it is.
- So, stand under the sensor.
- I know about the Actimel, Jo.
- What? - Oh, God.
- So what? Open the doors! - You stole my life! - No, I didn't.
You took my repping job! You swam with dolphins! I never swam with dolphins! They never showed up! You expect me to believe that? I'm a rep, Chloe! My life's not the Instagram version! It's shit! It's hard and all I've ever got out of it is sunburn and a five-year fucking hangover! So, please, Chloe, just open the doors.
You left me to rot in this place.
So, you know what, Jo? It's my turn to leave.
No, Chloe, wait! No, Chloe, come back! Chloe, please! I'm sorry! How did she know about the competition?! Possibility I might've left something slip.
- Oh, you fuck - Er, guys I'm sorry.
How was I to know your workmate was psychotic? Why did you tell her? Telling me stories about your weird sister, I was sharing.
What's wrong with weird? Your weird's the only thing keeping us alive, Kat.
We're escaping the apocalypse on a boat, for God's sake! Guys! - Any weird ideas? - We don't need weird.
We need a miracle! Don't let it shut! - I thought you weren't coming.
- I confronted my phobia.
Oh, wow, you're like a really brave five-year-old.
- You pick up a pair of marigolds? - Come on, Kat! We've got to get back to the boat.
And can you please move away from the automatic doors? Tequila? Jo.
All right.
Everything all right? Yes.
Fine.
Tequila? - Oh, take some to Jo, would you? - Cool.
We'll get first watch, yeah? - Junk food? - I will not be judged.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
- How many have you had? - One.
You are such a lightweight.
How are we related? Well, someone's gotta stay alert.
It's not like Armageddon's gonna stop at midnight.
Am I a bad person, Kat? Define "bad".
I ruined Chloe's life, stole her dreams.
Betrayed her.
She hated me so much she would've left me there to die.
And you.
Listen, she tried to kill us cos you cheated in an employee of the month competition.
I mean, that is officially psychopathic.
So, you're saying it wasn't my fault? - Well, no, I mean - You're right, she was always a bit mad.
I mean, I never asked to be her role model.
Well, with great power comes great responsibility.
Exactly! That's good.
I like that.
Did you make that up? No.
How many bottles did you take? Never mind.
Go on.
We're still alive.
What's the absolute worst that can happen?