9JKL (2017) s01e05 Episode Script

1 Whoa! Ma, what is happening here? Your apartment has more space for me to do my home yoga.
Your mom's still got it, huh? If "it" is the ability to make me uncomfortable in my own home, then, yep, you still got it.
Mom, you can't keep letting yourself in here.
Okay.
Message received.
- Okay.
- Namaste.
Thank you for understanding.
- - (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) (GIRL SCREAMS) Whoa.
(CHUCKLES) JUDY: Scary, huh? (SCREAMS) - - I know.
I know.
(CHUCKLES) And here we are.
Mom! Oh.
I must've dozed off.
Hi.
So, who's your friend? (KEYS JANGLING, LOCK CLICKING) JUDY: Oh! Josh! (KNOCKING) My key's not working! That is because I had the locks changed.
How can I help you? Well, I just came over to see my son, but now I realize he hates me.
Oh, good, I was worried you might overreact.
Come in.
Where did I go wrong? Was I too loving? Too supportive? I tell you to reach for too many stars? No.
Look, I'm gonna say something, and I don't want you to take it personally.
- Too late.
I'm already offended.
- (SIGHS) This isn't about you.
I've lived independently for the last 20 years, and that shouldn't change just because I moved back to New York and we now share a wall, that I wish was much thicker, because I have heard things no son should have to hear.
So now I have to apologize for being a generous lover? Another thing no son should have to hear.
There's something wrong with your door! You put a lock on that door, too? Yes.
You people attack from all sides.
Can you believe this crazy weather? Yesterday, it was freezing, and now it's boiling.
Josh, feel my armpit.
- I'm good.
- You can soft-boil an egg in there.
Harry, Josh changed his locks.
And now it's cold again.
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Come on, won't you take me home? What are you doing? You could kill somebody.
No, don't worry.
They land on the roof across the street.
Most of the time.
Oh, bro, I heard you iced Mom out of your apartment.
Yeah, that's right.
I put my foot down.
Laid down the law.
- Yeah, good for you.
- Thanks.
I mean, it only took a divorce, a crushing job loss, and moving back home for you to finally grow a pair.
Yeah, well, I think I deserve a little privacy.
- I'm impressed.
- Thank you.
Yeah, I look forward to watching it blow up in your face.
(GLASS SHATTERS) Oh, crap.
Duck! Hey, babe.
What you got there? I asked your mother if I could see some old holiday cards, because I didn't want to repeat an outfit this year.
Mm-hmm.
- What do you notice? - (SUCKS AIR THROUGH TEETH) I won the DNA lottery? No.
Who's not here anymore? - Kim! - Yes.
After she and Josh got divorced, your mother cut her out of every picture she was ever in.
See? No Kim, no Kim, no Kim.
Ugh, that was like a flipbook of my hair coming into its own.
Andrew, this is why your mother puts me on the end of every picture So I'm croppable.
In her mind, I am not a permanent member of this family.
Well, in my mind, you are.
That means nothing to me.
I am a permanent member of this family.
And tomorrow I'm gonna prove it, by getting in the middle of that photo.
You're an animal.
Nothing can stop you.
- Thank you, babe.
- Oh.
Oh, no, sorry.
I was talking to myself in 2014.
There you go.
Ah! What up, Josh? What up, fellas? You're weirdly happy for a grown man who lives with his parents.
Ian, even you can't bother me today.
I just got a date with Jennifer Love Hewitt.
Who are those people? Guys, I Know What You Did Last Summer.
Testified at my parents' divorce? Jennifer Love Hewitt is a famous actress, and she is friends with a friend of mine's friend.
That's right.
She's only in town for one night, and, yep, J.
Love.
Hew wants a piece of you-know-who.
Hey, man, you have fun with this famous actress that we don't know.
In the meantime, I'm-a need a copy of your new key.
Building policy.
- Yeah, okay.
I'll bring it down later.
- Thank you, sir.
(QUIETLY): Cha-ching.
(MUMBLES, CHUCKLES) I'm sorry, did you just say "cha-ching"? No, no.
That was that was me.
Um, I dropped something that made the cha-ching sound.
My mother offered you money for a copy of my key.
(CHUCKLES) You had to make the cha-ching sound, didn't you? - I knew it.
- All right, well, fine.
Don't give it to me.
But you have to give it to someone in the building.
Why? It's a sad story, fellas.
Uh It was Christmas Eve, 1984.
My, uh my grandfather was the doorman at the Barrymore.
11F started choking on a candy cane.
She, uh, managed to call down for help, but Gramps didn't have the spare.
By the time the fire department broke down the door, well, let's just say that the next doorman who helped her was St.
Peter at the pearly gates.
You make that story fresh every time.
Thanks, little man.
I appreciate that.
It's a safety issue, Josh.
Somebody needs a key, man.
Okay, fine.
I just have to find someone who's not afraid to stand up to my mother.
Might be easier to just move back to L.
A.
No.
I know someone who'd be happy to help.
Oh, hell no! Why not? Because I can only fight one battle at a time against your mother, and I've already waged a different war.
She doesn't want to end up like your ex-wife.
Living in the house I paid for with a 25-year-old furniture maker? Cropped out of family photos.
Tomorrow, I'm getting in the middle of that picture.
- Good luck with that.
- Yeah, she's gonna need it.
(CHUCKLES) You're not gonna need it.
You'll probably win.
All right, well, since Eve won't hold my key, it's all you, bro.
Oh, that is a hard pass.
I don't want to get in the middle of you and Mom's sick little dance.
Besides, I'm not a key guy.
- What do you mean? - I mean I'm not a guy who has keys.
Key guys are responsible and average and play by the rules.
I'm a heart surgeon I make the rules.
Besides, keys in my pocket mess up the lines of my pants.
And smooth pants are more important than helping your brother if there's an emergency? You tell me.
Yeah.
- Dad? - Hey.
- Guess the temperature.
- Worst game show ever.
48 degrees.
This morning, it was 80.
Al Gore was right.
This is inconvenient.
Where's Mom? She and Ida Feldman went to Ellis Island to look up whose ancestors were more attractive.
Great.
I need you to keep the spare key to my apartment.
- No problem.
- And you can't tell Mom.
Tremendous problem.
Your mother and I are a team.
I don't like keeping secrets from her.
It puts a lot of pressure on me.
Come on.
I'm asking you to hide a key, not a dead body.
Well, actually, I can think of a lot of places to hide a dead body.
I watch every CSI.
It's a safety issue.
I mean, what if I choke on a candy cane, and no one can get into my apartment? Nick's grandfather never forgave himself.
I don't think I can do this, Josh.
Of course you can, Dad.
You're a strong and powerful man.
I did box in college.
Yeah, you did.
It's the final round.
You're on the ropes, but you got a secret weapon.
- What is it? - It's heart.
That's what I was hoping it was! - That's what it is! - Give me that key! - Yeah! - I can do this.
- Eye of the tiger, Dad! - Yes.
Let's go! Time for the holiday photo! (LAUGHS) I photograph best from the upper left, and no low angles on my husband.
- He has nostrils for days.
- (LAUGHS) Yes.
I have all your notes from the last five years.
- (FAKE LAUGHS) - Yeah.
(FAKE LAUGHS) - Hey.
What's up, Terrance? - Ooh! - (QUIETLY): She's in rare form.
- Oh, boy.
Oh, Josh, I understand you're going on a date with Jennifer Lopez Hewitt.
It's Love.
Oh, we'll see.
Yeah.
Also, it turns out that Ida Feldman whose ancestors were hideous, by the way Doesn't have a key to her son's apartment, either, so I've decided not to take it personally.
Isn't Ida's son in jail? - Just take the win, Josh.
- Okay.
- Hey! What's happening, baby? - Hi.
Aw.
Look, my beautiful boys! Are you wearing makeup? Just powdered away the shine, like a man.
All right, Harry, let's go! - Here! - (JUDY LAUGHS) - Hey, you look great, Dad! - I feel great, Josh.
I got the key thing all figured out.
There you go, champ.
I knew you could do it! I hid it in a perfect spot that no one will ever find.
Great, great, great! All right, everyone, by the plant.
Uh-oh.
You hid the key in the plant? Yeah, but now we're gonna be at the plant, and-and now it's in my mind, and-and your mother Come on, Dad.
You can do this.
Just be cool.
Cool is your middle name.
- It's Saul.
- Okay, just Okay, Daddy and I are in the middle.
Josh, you're over here.
Okay.
Andrew and Wyatt will be here, and Eve, you're good there.
Actually, Judy, I was thinking that maybe this year, I could stand here.
Well, good for you for thinking.
(LAUGHS) But holidays are all about traditions.
So Remember, Harry, nostrils in.
You know what? You're right.
Let's change places over here.
Honey, come over by the plant.
- Josh, you, too.
- Okay.
That's good.
All right, ready.
All right, everyone, smile.
Uh, eyes over here, Mr.
Roberts.
Why? Where's he looking? Where are you looking? - Nowhere.
- He keeps looking at the plant.
Who asked you, Terrance?! - What's going on? - Nothing.
- Nothing.
- What is the matter, Harry? You're acting very strange.
No, I'm not.
The key is in the plant.
Way to be cool, Saul.
- Is this Josh's spare key? - Yes.
I only kept it because Andrew and Eve refused.
'Cause we love you, Ma.
So you offered your key to everyone in this family but me.
So it is personal.
Ma, you're the only one who barges into my apartment naked.
Oh, I wasn't naked.
I was using my hands as a bra.
Joshua, if I am not welcome in your home, - then you are not welcome in mine.
- Not a problem for me.
Great.
From now on, we'll be just regular tenant and landlady.
- Fine.
- Fine! Hey, you guys want to take a five or something? No, no, no, no.
Take the picture.
I want a reminder of the exact moment when my only son broke my heart.
- Uh - Oh.
You know what I mean.
All right, say cheese.
- Cheese.
- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) Hey.
What are you eating? Toast.
Huge toast guy.
Ah.
At 6:30 at night? Toast knows no time, bro.
Hey, I can't believe you haven't spoken to Mom in three days.
Has that ever happened? Uh, once at Camp Chippewa in Maine, but she showed up on the fourth day 'cause she was so worried.
I mean, I feel bad I hurt her, but look at me.
I'm getting ready for my big date, and I don't have to worry about her barging in and saying, "Is that what you're wearing?" Is it? Yes.
The point is, I am loving my privacy.
What is it the shirt? - Yeah, and the pants.
- Okay.
Thank you.
(KNOCKING) Can you get that? Terrance sent me a copy of the photo! Look who's in the middle.
Oh, and you look so pretty.
Aw, I can't believe this is gonna be the holiday card.
Oh, it's not.
Why not? Because I'm no longer sending one out.
Josh has taken away my will to spread cheer.
But I'm in the middle.
Hey, what's it like out? Coat or no coat? Yeah, I'm not really a weather guy.
(DOOR CLOSES) Lot of coats, lot of tank tops.
Light sweater.
(SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE) No! Stupid new lock! (SCOFFS) No! Andrew?! - Wait.
- What? Should I get a coat? Nah, I'm good.
Damn it.
(DISTANT HORNS HONKING) Oh.
Okay.
(SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE) Dad?! Dad?! - Hello, neighbor.
- Hi.
You're awfully chipper for someone who's trespassing.
Well, I just wanted Dad to see - how warm yet cold it is outside.
- Hmm.
This armpit's sweaty, the other's room temp.
I thought he might like to feel.
I'm sure he would, but as you may recall, you are no longer welcome in my home, and my balcony is part of my home.
Yes.
Of course.
I'll just Yeah.
(GRUNTS) Well, shouldn't you be getting ready for your date with Jennifer Hewlett-Packard? Yes, and I will, right now.
By way of my apartment.
Just go on right in there.
(GROANS) I understand you have an armpit for me to touch.
No.
I'm locked out and my date's in 20 minutes.
I need you to distract Mom so I can sneak through your apartment.
Not gonna happen.
Mommy's still so upset about the key betrayal.
She took away my Mallomars.
Well, I'm not missing my date because of her.
Okay, we'll work it out.
As a lawyer, I settle domestic disputes all day long.
We'll negotiate.
Well, obviously, I want a key.
- I'll tell him.
- I'm not done.
Three dinners a week, brunch every Sunday, two Broadway shows a month, one of which must be a musical and she wants to be my plus-one at any award shows I'm invited to, except the Grammys? - They're too loud for her.
- Oh.
I'm getting killed here.
What kind of mediator are you? Don't panic.
This is negotiating 101.
You ask for more than you need so you get what you want.
Okay, give me that pen.
I'm gonna make a list of things that I want.
No.
Well, if she just said no, then what took so long? I thought I figured out where she hid my Mallomars, but I was wrong.
(GROANS) Well, if I want to make my date, I have no choice.
Tell that lunatic she has a deal.
Lunatic? I'm not the one who put an automatic lock on my back door.
Let's not get derailed.
All we need is a handshake.
What's going on? Shouldn't you be on your date? Andrew and Eve, thank God.
I am locked out.
Mom, you can take your deal and shove it.
I can go through their apartment, so boom! The kid pulls it out in the nick of time.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Sorry, Josh.
This is bigger than you.
(PHONE RINGS) Hello.
I won't let him in if you use the picture with me in the middle for the holiday card.
Done.
I'd also like an apology - for all the things that you - Okay, bye-bye.
You just out-Judy'd Judy.
Yeah, I did.
That is so hot.
(CLICK) Get in here.
Guys.
Guys, guys, guys.
Let me - Come on.
- Sorry, bro.
This is bigger than you.
B-B-But-but Okay.
Looks like you win.
(SIGHS) I will take the deal.
Oh, I'm sorry, son, that deal is no longer available.
It's been shoved.
I do have a new offer, though.
Everything from my original list, and you join your father and me on our cruise to Alaska this summer.
Absolutely not.
Dad, tell her you don't want me to go.
If I say that I want him to go, will you tell me where the Mallomars are? They're in a hatbox in my closet.
Josh, I'm sorry, - this is bigger than you.
- Wha Ahoy, matey.
- Fine, but I get my own cabin.
- With an adjoining door.
- That locks on my side.
- No, it doesn't.
Deal.
Have fun on your date.
Are we really going to Alaska? We are now.
He's not wrong.
(KNOCKING) Oh, look at you, knocking all respectfully.
That's cute.
I don't have my key yet.
I'll get it.
Come in, have a seat.
How was your date? Eh, it wasn't a date.
Jennifer's married.
Turns out she's playing Helen Keller in a new Hallmark movie, she saw me in Blind Cop, and wanted advice on how to act blind.
If she didn't fall in love with this face, then she's already blind.
- Thanks, Ma.
- (SHORT CHUCKLE) Here it is.
And look, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.
I love you.
But if we're together all the time, that might make it feel - Less special.
- Hmm.
I understand.
When your father was courting me, he brought me flowers every day.
I finally said, "What's with the flowers? I'm running out of vases.
" Yes, that's exactly what I mean.
I guess I missed you so much when you were in L.
A.
, I'm trying to make up for lost time.
Here.
Wow.
Ma, thanks.
That is a huge step for you.
Yeah, I can't do it.
Mom just gave me the mock-up of the holiday card! Gimme, gimme, gimme! I can't believe you went up against our mother and won.
That is a feeling I do not know.
You and Mom can talk about that in Alaska.
(GASPS) Wait a minute.
She put me in the crease.
She didn't crop you, but she creased you.
There's a big line down the middle of my face.
I'm just two arms and a bunch of hair.
That's not true I can also see a piece of your lip.
You can never out-Judy Judy.
Well, I'm not giving up.
I'll get her next year.
JUDY: No, you won't.