About a Boy (2014) s01e05 Episode Script

You ready, big boy? - Here comes the heat.
- [Sighs.]
Oh, yeah.
Ah! Ah.
Eeh-ow.
Oh, it's coming at you.
Whatever.
Oh! Your point! - I scored? - You totally scored.
That was awesome.
Over-the-fence high five.
- Yeah! - Yeah.
[Chuckles.]
We should get a dog.
- Who should get a dog? - All of us you, me, and my mom.
Life lesson coming at you, dear Marcus what we have here is called a fence, and it's here because we are not an "us.
" You and your mom are an "us.
" I am just a Will.
You wouldn't be just a Will if the fence wasn't there.
Well, barring a tornado, which is uncommon in this region, this baby isn't ever coming down, ever.
It will when you marry my mom.
I mean, if If you marry my mom.
Uh, listen, I got I there's somewhere I there's a I have a thing.
I have a thing that's been very I have a Will thing.
- Why don't we, uh - But wait.
We're not done playing dad-minton.
I-I mean, badminton.
Badminton! Hey, Fiona.
We we got a situation.
- Is Marcus okay? - Nope.
He thinks that I'm gonna be his father.
Why does he think that? Because he's convinced that you and I - are gonna start dating.
- I mean, that's ridiculous.
I would never date you, ever, ever.
Well, Marcus does not know that.
I think I know my son.
Well, I think I know my neighbor, okay? Okay, and besides that, Marcus knows that I don't date.
- Uh excuse me? - Oh, I'm sorry.
Yeah, I can understand why you wouldn't understand that.
I know your life is a revolving door of sexual interludes That's correct.
But normal people, when they have children, things change.
You take the sexual part of yourself, and you put it on pause.
And exactly how long have you been on [British accent.]
Pause? Well, I'm not gonna tell you that.
[Normal voice.]
Since Marcus' dad? Tell me you haven't been on sexual pause since Marcus' dad.
Fiona, the kid the kid is 9.
He's not 9.
He's 11.
Why can you never remember that? - It's been 11 years? - Well, of course not.
Marcus' father and I have a very complicated sexual past.
- Oh, my - And I don't it's none of your business.
Well, it became my business when that little dude out there called it "dad-minton.
" Look, if he's confused about your role in his life, - that's on you.
- What? If he sees you as a father figure, it's 'cause you act like one.
- No, I don't.
- Well, you do.
You're always out there playing with him, and you take him to baseball games, and you build forts with my good pillows.
You do father-son things together.
We do kid-kid things together.
Well, he doesn't see it like that.
Actually, this is a good conversation that we're having right now because you need to stop acting like a father and start acting more like a neighbor, because your relationship with my son is very unhealthy.
Says Norma Bates.
I'm gonna tell you something, okay? What you guys got going on here is a Bates Motel situation.
And I've seen Psycho.
I know how this ends, okay? And it's [Shudders.]
I got to go take a shower.
And you know what? Now I can't even take a shower 'cause I'm too scared.
Listen For Marcus' emotional well-being and for my safety, will you please get laid? [Sighs.]
11 year - I can't go 11 days! - [Door closes.]
[Brett Dennen's Comeback Kid (That's My Dog).]
Well, maybe it's the common curse Maybe things get bad before they get worse I don't want to become someone Who can't live up to what I already done, don't Here comes a comeback The kid is back, is back on track And there goes my hero He's the underdog, he's coming out on top, and Legs out in front of you.
And relax down into shavasana.
[Sighs.]
This yoga stuff is amazing.
I feel so at peace, like, centered, you know? Is it weird that I haven't had sex with anyone since Marcus' dad? - Well, honey - What? No.
Things grow over.
But no, no, I mean, I know it's been a long time.
I was you know, I've been wondering about getting back out there, but You make sacrifices, don't you? I mean, you put your own satisfaction aside - when you have children - Did you hear me? Things Grow Over.
Okay, nobody panic.
We just have to get you back out there.
I need a list.
Okay, every available man you know Go.
Well, I don't know anyone interesting.
Nobody said anything about interesting.
Did I say "interesting"? I said "man.
" That's it.
Don't overthink it.
No, no, no, I don't I don't want to do this.
Fiona, for dinner and adult conversation? I'm not even addressing the sex situation yet, so simmer down, hot sauce.
We just have to get you back out there, back in the dating saddle.
Then we'll worry about the saddle saddle.
You know what I mean? So come on.
Who you got? There was a plumber here the other day.
- He called me "hon.
" - That's a good sign! He left his number.
Lou sexy name.
Sexy Lou, the plumber.
- Okay, w-what are you doing? - You're asking him out.
- No.
- Yes.
Wha hello? Lou? It's Fiona From the other day.
Yeah.
The hair ball.
Why am I calling? Um I think I misdialed, actually.
Yeah, I'm very sorry.
[Gasps.]
Oh, you what? Oh! Aw, there's water everywhere.
I need a plumber.
I know you're a plumber.
Yeah, can you come over, then? Are you insane? No, but I am a frickin' matchmaker.
Yes! Mm.
No red meat for me.
Laurie told me to knock ten points off my cholesterol.
I'll just throw some tofu steaks on the grill.
- Oh, really? - No, not really.
I'll eat his share.
You know, you should really teach me how to man the grill.
It's something every boy should learn from an experienced griller.
I don't think that's a good idea, Marcus.
Come on, man, just teach him how to man the Thank you, Andy.
Not a good idea.
Look, Marcus, I'm not gonna be around to monitor your grilling, so you're gonna have to learn to grill from your mom.
My mom doesn't believe in charring animal carcass, but I do.
We're just like each other in that way.
See, our relationship needs to shift, then, because we're not grilling buddies.
We are just neighbors.
All right, fine.
- Badminton? - Oh, really- No, I am grilling, guys, alone here.
With me.
He means with me.
When you say stuff like that, it makes me feel invisible in this relationship.
All right, fine.
I'll just I'll just play badminton by myself.
Dude, that was really harsh.
It made me feel uncomfortable.
Setting boundaries is sometimes uncomfortable, okay? Can you please not be a puss? Now I feel terribly depressed.
Serve me up some charred carcass, please.
Here.
Laurie Laurie will approve of that.
- Hilarious.
- Yeah.
This'll have no effect on your cholesterol.
[Clears throat.]
So, Lou Fiona tells me you're an amazing plumber.
I hope that's not sarcasm, 'cause I stand by my work.
And I appreciate you not giving me a negative yelp review until I have a chance to see what's going on down here.
Oh, it's not sarcasm at all.
Will you just say something flirty? I wouldn't give you a negative review.
Well, just as I thought.
Look, I don't want to freak you out, but this is definitely an act of vandalism.
Whatever happened down there was violent, and it was intentional.
But I already did some work on the sink, so it's covered under my service warranty.
- Yeah, and I can't do this.
- Yes, you can.
- No.
I can't.
- Please? I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I can't make you pay for this, because it was her.
She did it, and she yanked my sprayer.
- [Whistles.]
- Oh.
You guys have a little domestic skirmish? Oh, no, we're not we're not domestic.
Yeah, we're just we're two heterosexual girls looking to meet a man in this crazy-ass world.
Well, why would you do that to your own sink? I mean, it's a it's a wonderful sink.
She knew that I just well, I wanted to see you again.
See? And here you are.
Fate.
I'm sorry.
What why would you want to see me again? Oh.
Me? Seriously? Uh, well, I mean, you know, I'm still gonna have to charge you for the for the for the sink, but how would you like to go for dinner Yes! [Knock at door.]
Darling? Can I come in? I just wanted to talk to you about something.
So You and I are like two peas in a pod.
And for the last 11 years, it's been a very tight pod, probably tighter than is healthy.
What I've come to realize is that sometimes it's important for one of the peas to venture briefly out of the pod to have dinner with a third-party pea.
Do you understand what I'm trying to say to you? I'm afraid you may have over-metaphored.
Can you back up to the part about the third-party pea? Oh, yeah.
So the third-party pea is a man, and that man has asked me out for dinner.
How do you feel about that? How do I feel? I feel great! Oh, my gosh.
Will is the pea! Will is the third-party pea! No, Marcus Oh, bloody hell.
[Doorknob jiggles.]
Will? Will, why is our door locked? Because I'm setting boundaries.
[Gasps.]
How dare you cheat on my mother! Get your own pod! Get your own pod! - Okay.
- Mother? Shh.
[Sighs.]
I don't like this, Marguerite.
I don't like this at all.
- [Doorbell rings.]
- I'll be out in a minute! Marguerite, can you grab that? Oh.
Hey, there, little fella.
- Is your mom home? - Mother's in the other room.
She will be out momentarily.
[Laughs.]
Okay.
What's your name? Mine's Lou.
Your name is of no interest to me.
It would be a waste of my time to commit it to memory, for you are merely a blip, a momentary pit stop on the road to Wills-ville.
Marcus! Hello.
Uh, I'm sorry about that.
Thank you for coming to pick me up.
No problem.
No problem.
- You look good.
- Oh.
Like you made an effort.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
You look like you made an effort too.
[Both chuckle.]
Thanks.
Thanks.
Oh! Ah.
All right.
Bye, darling.
Oh, thank you.
It's a bit of a climb.
You got to put your foot - [laughs.]
- Oh oh, here we are.
Just Oh, hold on, here's - Well, I'll just - Oh! [Laughs.]
[Truck door closes.]
[Both laugh.]
- All right.
- Marguerite I need to have words with someone.
Don't wait up.
[Music playing.]
Hey.
I wants the Shasta - Where's Shasta? - We need to talk.
What? What are you doing? I'm eating my feelings.
No, put down the cheese platter, Marcus.
Honestly, we're not doing this, okay? All right, we're not getting a dog, okay? We're not gonna tear down the fence, and I sure as hell am not gonna date your mom, not now, not ever, so back up off the cheese plate, man! [Music continues in background.]
Marcus, I'm sorry.
Why can't you just try to like her? Marcus, I You didn't like me at first, but eventually I wore you down.
She could wear you down too.
Your mother doesn't want to wear me down, okay? Our feelings our lack of feelings are entirely mutual, all right? Like, I like your mom, but I just not in that way.
What do you mean? What's that way? You know, that way.
The the way I like someone like Shasta.
But you told Andy that Shasta was below normal human intelligence - Well - And that sometimes she forgets her underpants.
I'm paraphrasing, of course.
Well, yes, but I want to do things to Shasta, things that I definitely don't want to do to your mother.
What things? All right, dude, you know what? I'm just gonna lay it on the table for you.
Your mother and I aren't attracted to each other sexually.
That's a confusing area for me.
Yeah, well, get in line, dude.
Like, I know babies aren't really made when a cloud high-fives a rainbow during a fairy-dust storm.
That's just something my mom told me when I was little.
You and your mom have had the talk, the sex talk, right? She tried to say something once, but then I went into a fugue state.
She calls it "my adorable, little coping mechanism.
" Okay, that is that's that's weird, but listen, man, there are things There are feelings that you need to understand.
Cool.
A life lesson.
Human hair I swear to God, that's what keeps me in business.
I mean, you wouldn't believe some of the stuff that I pull out of these pipes, but hair? I mean, that's the main reason why I can take you to a fancy place like this.
[Chuckles.]
And also the reason - that we met.
- Ha! You're right.
You're right oh.
Isn't that somethin'? Now Aren't those pipes lovely? They must be interesting for someone like you.
Is that why you you picked this place? No, no, it is not what a what a mockery of my profession.
Look at this.
They don't even go anywhere.
- They go in a square.
- Well, that is stupid.
- Right? - Yeah.
Ugh.
[Mutters indistinctly.]
Um, you know, I know.
You know what's funny? In England, a loo is a toilet.
- And your name is Lou.
- Yep.
- That's, uh That's good.
- I just - it was a - Yeah.
Then nine months later, a baby's born, but only if the intercourse was successful or not successful, depending on depending on, uh You know, we're gonna stop there.
Yeah, that's a little more advanced.
So do you do you have any questions? Does it all make sense? Are you okay are you in a are you in a fugue state? [Knock at door.]
I'm I'm still here - Coming.
- I think.
[Sighs.]
- Oh.
- Hi, Will.
- Wow.
- Mm.
My goodness.
So, Shasta, um Would you mind, uh, waiting out on the porch for, like, two minutes? - Okay.
- Yeah.
But hurry, because I'm totally horny.
[Chuckles.]
I know what that means now.
All those playground jokes it makes sense now.
It's like a veil has been lifted.
I need to go process this in a cool, dry place.
You disgust me.
That kid is weird.
[Sighs.]
Marcus.
Marcus, that is not a cool, dry place! Marcus! This is not cool, Marcus! It has actually been a while since I've been on a date.
- Hmm.
- But, you know, from what I remember, they are supposed to be incredibly awkward.
Then I guess we're doing it right.
Hooray! [Both chuckle.]
- [Pants.]
- Keep it out front.
I won't be long.
Back the heck up off my mother! I know what this is.
This is foreplay.
Don't you dare intercourse her! Marcus, darling, what are you doing here? Mom, I need you to end this because I have some things to tell you that are gonna rock Your World.
- What are you talking about? - Intercourse, mom.
I'm talking about intercourse! Whoa, okay.
Hey, there, sport.
Look, I would never lay a hand on your mother Unless, you know, you wanted me to, Fiona.
Darling, where on Earth did you hear that word? Oh.
Hi.
Hold on a second.
Hold on.
Oh, hey.
You're the plumber.
Yes, I'm so sorry oh about the interrupting.
- I'm gonna take Marcus.
- Hey, hey, hey.
Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? Uh, hey, you know what? I'm I'm gonna give you and Marcus' dad some some some privacy.
- Oh, no, no, no.
- That's not Marcus' dad.
No, no.
After everything that we talked about, you had the talk the talk with my son? Okay.
Oh! I'm so sorry that a 10-year-old doesn't know where babies come from.
I'm 11.
Why can't you ever remember that, dude? All right.
I'm just trying to help I don't need your help.
I don't need your help.
Darling, we're gonna talk about this later privately, in a cool, dry place, where we both feel safe.
Okay, hey, uh, I don't know what's going on here, but I seem to be in the middle of some sort of Very weird family conflict.
So I'm just gonna not be here right now.
No, no, no, you stay.
We'll go.
We'll go.
- Come on.
- I'm not going anywhere.
Fiona, thank you for a very lovely well, evening nonetheless.
And, uh, you know what? - I'll call you.
- Really? No, probably not.
Good.
He finally got the hint.
[Sighs.]
So what do you say? Should we, uh, order some apps? [Bicycle thuds.]
Marcus, I'm just gonna talk to Will for a minute.
[Door closes.]
Okay, before you get all angry, all right, I just want you to know that I turned down sex with a woman named after a soft drink to help your son tonight.
How very tragic.
I could've got laid tonight, too, you know? - Really? - No.
[Sighs.]
I mean, it was a disaster even before Marcus yelled "intercourse" in the middle of a crowded restaurant.
But here's the thing I got back out there.
I dipped my toe in the revolting dating pool.
[Sighs.]
You were supposed to be setting boundaries.
You completely dropped the ball on the "birds and the bees" conversation.
Yeah, but I'm the mummy.
I get to decide when to have the conversation about sex with my kid.
Okay, well, I'm the neighbor, and when your son comes over at inconvenient times, asking inappropriate, awkward questions, I'm gonna answer, because I Because I'm attached to him, Fiona.
He's a good little dude.
I mean, he's weird, but he's a good He's a good dude, and sometimes little dudes need big dudes' wisdom.
[Sniffs.]
Well, just how graphic was it? Pretty graphic.
[Knock at door.]
- Marcus? - Hey, can we come in? You all right, darling? So your your neighbor and I wanted to talk to you about something.
Your mother thought it would be a good idea if we spoke to you about this together.
We both care about you a lot, and that is never gonna change.
But Will and I are never gonna get married.
- Never, ever - Ever.
- Ever, ever.
- 'Cause you don't like each other in that way? Yes.
Exactly.
- So are we good? - Yeah, we're good.
- All right.
- Okay.
Well, wait.
Do you have any more questions? Are you serious? You couldn't just let it go? You can't just give me the "w"? - He might be confused.
- I'm not confused.
I get it.
I don't like it - But I get it.
- Now we're talking.
- Good night, dude.
- Good night, sweet pea.
Good-bye, mom.
Good night, dad.
- Kidding.
- That wasn't funny at all.
- Get get out.
- Turn out the light.
- Then what happened? - I'm never gonna see him again.
- It was a disaster.
- The good news is, is you got in the saddle a little bit.
You warmed your thighs up, you scared away some moss, and you put your chaps back on.
- Oh! - [Gasps.]
- Whoo! - Yeah! [Laughs.]
Both: Whoo! We can try the next plumber on the list.
Does he have to be a plumber? I like plumbers for you.
[Both laughing.]
- I got you! - [Laughs.]