Accidentally on Purpose s01e05 Episode Script

Compliments of the gentleman.
Sorry.
Someone beat you to it.
Aw.
I'm officially on the dating sidelines, aren't I? - Mm-hmm.
- I miss all the excitement, the romance.
When will he call me? When will he kiss me? When will he move out of my place and get a job? Hey, Davis is hitting on two girls over there.
If you've never been to a slaughterhouse, this is the closest you'll get.
Oh, this is not going well.
Oh, notice the "Don't leave me alone with him" handhold.
Now they're planning their exit strategy, meaning we are seconds away from gone.
And here it comes the well-thought-out excuse as to why they didn't bite.
They're beach volleyball players.
Ah.
They really wanted to have their way with me, but, uh, they got a match in the morning.
You got to respect that, right? Can I give you a piece of advice? When you approach two women, you're asking one of them to ditch her friend.
But when it's a group of three women, there's always one who's taken, one who's sober and one who's good to go.
Pardon me can I buy you a drink? Oh.
I'm good to go.
Group of three it is.
So, do you need any dating tips? Does it look like I need any dating tips? I don't know.
We never dated.
We went straight from, "Hey, baby," to "Hey, baby!" Look, Davis isn't failing yet.
So, you're taken.
You're sober.
Hi.
I'm Davis.
# I can't be anything without you.
# I have some amazing, unbelievable news that is going to blow you away.
Oh, my God.
Are you? Yes! I'm Facebook friends with Olivia! "You have been invited to take the 'How well do you know Abby? ' quiz.
" Kill me now.
I'm going to send her a virtual cheeseburger.
Boo-yah! Thanks to your advice, I got a hot girl's number, and we are going out.
Wow! Ooh, feels good to score a hot chick.
I know.
Doesn't it? Well, I spent that summer in Sweden, remember? I should Facebook that girl.
I love this.
I'm like your mentor.
- Yeah, I don't know about advising him.
- No, no.
This is good, because now that I can't go out anymore, I don't want my dating muscles to atrophy.
I got to stay in shape, so after the baby's born, it'll be a smooth transition from birth to "Hi.
My name is Billie.
" Yeah, well, I've waded through the murky waters of Davis's love life.
Swimming along, can't see an inch in front of you, and then all of a sudden, some drunk chick with a bat is banging on the door at 3:00 in the morning.
Don't listen to Zack.
I'm putty in your hands, okay? So, uh, what's the next move with this girl? Well, that depends.
I mean, do we want to have a relationship with her, or are we just looking to introduce our genitals to each other? I've done the whole "just get laid, casual sex, never see each other again" thing, so what I'm ready for now is more of that.
Okay, so our goal is to get this girl back to your apartment and score.
Yeah, but this chick is really out of my league.
I mean, she's the kind that only sleeps with guys who have doors on their bathrooms.
You know, fancy guys.
Okay, I'll get my rubber gloves, a garbage bag and some bleach.
I know she's hot, but do you really think I have to knock her out and stuff her in a garbage bag to get her back to my apartment? 'Cause that is pretty dark, but, I mean, you're the boss.
So I was talking about getting some supplies together so that you could clean your apartment.
I know that.
Obviously, I was kidding just now.
Murky, murky waters.
What? Who am I kidding? The chances of me getting her back here in the first place are slim.
This girl is, like, way out of my league.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
We are getting her back here, and we are going to have sex with her.
You know, I went out with this guy, Gary, and I was way out of his league.
In fact, he's probably still talking about me.
I was able to look past his flaws, which is something you're going to need her to do.
And the reason I could do that is 'cause he told me this really touching story about how his mom put him on the wrong train when he was eight and he had to walk 34 blocks all the way home and how traumatized he was.
And I just wanted to go back in time and give that little boy a hug, but instead I took a grown man home and gave him the best night of his life.
We feel pretty good about ourselves, don't we? The point is, it worked.
And I would put money on the fact that you have some upsetting stories.
I'm going to put on some extra gloves and get to work on your bedroom.
You know what, dude? Man, if her advice works, we could be comparing notes tomorrow night.
Yes, I take notes.
Okay, dude, keep it down.
Billie doesn't know I'm going out with Sasha.
I've heard a guy should never approach two women in a bar because it means asking one woman to abandon her friend.
- Is that true? - Yes.
But if you're hot enough, it doesn't matter.
I thought the two of you were cool with dating other people.
Yeah, but who's going to date her? She's got stuff popping out all over the place.
You know, and I want to be a good guy about this, so I'm just going to do it behind her back.
You're a class act, Zack.
Thanks.
I can't believe I'm about to tell you this, but when I was 13 years old, I was actually allergic to French kissing.
- What? - Yeah, yeah.
I was playing this game of spin-the-bottle at camp, and it was my turn and it landed on Patty Elkins this was the girl of my dreams, okay? So, I crawled over toward her and I kissed her with tongue, naturally and then my face started to tingle a lot.
I thought it was love, but it was really a severe allergic reaction to the eight peanut butter cups Patty shotgunned moments before.
My face swelled up to the size of a pumpkin.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
For the rest of camp, I was known as "Pumpkinhead, the boy who's allergic to girls.
" After my parents' divorce, I started faking a limp and walking with a cane.
Okay, get ready for it.
This is my big move.
I call it "my big move.
" Ooh! Oh! What do you think? - It's really impressive.
- Thank you.
I think you're going to like my second move better.
- You ready? - All right.
What do you call that move? I call it "prelude to unhooking your bra.
" What do you think? Hi, Mom.
No.
I'm on a date.
He's a really good kisser.
Here, talk to my mom.
Oh, look.
It's one of the Jonas Brothers.
I have a date.
You know, since you and I broke up I'm not going to lie I've been skewing kind of young.
My new formula is my age, divided by two.
Minus three.
Well, I have a little something going on myself.
Uh-huh.
There he is right now.
Well, I'II, uh, leave you to it.
Hey, what's going on? It worked.
She's in my apartment right now.
Oh, my God.
We are so about to get laid.
Yeah, but here's the thing: I mean, I let her in emotionally, you know, like you said, and, uh, we really connected.
Both our parents got divorced, and both of us coped by maybe setting a few Dumpster fires here and there.
L- I think I really like her, and I don't know, I think I might want to see her again.
Well, then, you can't have sex with her.
Relationships are all about withholding sex.
- -WOMAN: Davis? - L- I got to go.
No, no, don't hang up.
Just put the phone down.
I want to hear the beginning of this beautiful relationship, mister.
No, I don't Is everything all right? I have to get up early for work tomorrow.
Oh, poor baby.
Uh, I'm saving myself for marriage.
Oh, God.
I slept with her.
I know.
I was listening.
Why didn't you hang up the phone? Why didn't you hang up the phone? It was a slow night.
By the way, do you have a cat? Because I think I heard a cat.
Talking about Davis having sex? Yes, but we're trying to turn him into relationship material.
But I'm irresistible to her.
And I can't turn it off 'cause I don't know how I turned it on.
- You could always just show her your stomach mouth.
- Hmm.
I am pained and sure I'm going to regret this, but what is stomach mouth? I am stomach mouth! Okay, we're in a restaurant.
Look, the next time you see her, if you want a relationship, you have to find a way to make it about more than just sex.
- Make it about more than just sex, huh? - Mm-hmm.
I'm gonna be tapping into parts of my brain I didn't know I had.
So I had a lovely conversation with a nice young lady named Sasha.
So, where'd you run into Sasha? In our living room.
She showed up to the apartment? Hi! You must be Billie! Oh, can I just say I love your movie reviews? I do not see a film unless you give it at least three stars.
Wow! You are such a nice person.
Who are you? Oh, God, I'm sorry.
I'm Sasha.
Zack and I went out the other night on a date.
Oh.
Well.
I'm Billie, his, uh I don't know what he calls me.
Oh, well, Zack told me all about you and how you're so awesome and how you're so pregnant.
And I know this doesn't sound like a compliment, but I did not expect you to be this gorgeous.
Okay! I thought you were just going to be the UPS guy delivering my winter slippers.
Um, Zack's at work.
Did he know you were coming by? No.
- Oh, my God, I'm blowing this.
- Oh, no, no, no.
It's okay, Sasha.
Relax.
I just I just like him so much.
I mean, have you seen his big move? I think I have.
We went out once! Oh, I had a feeling that girl was Amy Winehouse bat-ass crazy.
What happened on the date? Well, we we made out for a while, and then she got a little nutty.
So I made out with her some more, and then I walked her back to her place.
I told her I'd call her, and then we made out some more.
And then I got the hell out of there.
Sounds to me like you gave her the distinct impression that you were into her.
Well, I don't want to seem like a bad guy, so I'm just not going to call her again.
Come on, you know what, cut her some slack.
She said she knew she came on too strong.
Really? Yeah, give her a second chance.
All right, maybe she's just quirky.
Yeah, quirky.
- And she's hot.
- Smokin' hot.
And I know I could nail her.
Okay, we're in a restaurant.
Oh, will you pass the ketchup, please? That sounds like something a friend would do.
But having been de-friended by you last night on Facebook, I say get your own damn ketchup.
Look, you are driving me crazy with your your updates and your pokes and you're planting a virtual tree in my name.
Why would you do that? Why do you need my help with it? Just plant your own fake tree and leave me alone! Listen, I know that you think the only reason we're friends is because of Billie, but No, that is not true.
I don't think we're friends.
Oh, hi, James.
How's it going with Miss Teen USA? It's sick, dude.
Oh, the sickness.
Really? 'Cause you look tired to me.
No, no.
Okay.
I mean, the sex is great, but climbing into the loft bed in her college dorm room is killing my back.
And I think I might really be getting sick.
Billie! I went to the newspaper to ask you to lunch, but you weren't there.
This is the third place I checked.
Found you! Oh.
I smell crazy.
Hi.
I'm James.
Sasha, this is a little, uh Impetuous, I know, but I feel a connection between us.
Sort of like a friend, sister, soul mate kind of thing.
Oh.
Hi, Mom.
I'm having lunch with Billie.
Here, my mom wants to talk to you.
Her name's Mary.
Hello? Nice to meet you, too, Mary.
Oh, that's so sweet, but I, uh I already have a Lamaze partner.
So, uh, I'm taking Sasha out tonight.
Thanks for talking me out of dumping her.
She's actually got a lot of good qualities.
End it, bail, eject.
Drop the freaking hammer.
What? Why? She showed up at the office, and when I wasn't there, she tracked me down at lunch and has been texting me ever since.
I told you! Did she put you on the phone with her mother? How's she doing? Did she win her tennis match? No, it got rained out, so she just went and got yogurt.
Another text! "Tell Zack I'm thinking about him.
" "Tell Billie I'm thinking about her.
" I'll break it off right now.
Good.
Sweet mother of God.
You know what, I actually think it would be so much better if we went out on an actual date, you know? I mean, if we hustle right now, we can maybe catch a midnight screening of Schindler's List.
But I want to stay here with you.
But I think we should get some coffee and talk.
I'm really horny.
But I want to see Schindler's List.
Uh, Sasha, look, how do I put this? Some foods just don't go together.
Pickles and melon, whipped cream and eggplant or Radishes and yogurt oh, God, I've heard this exact speech so many times.
You're breaking up with me.
Is your zipper glued shut? Yes.
Yes, it is.
- Listen, can I just tell you something? - What? I just feel like we made a really huge mistake, you know, sleeping together so fast, because I kind of like you, and-and I don't know, I'd kind of like to have something more with you.
Hmm, look, Davis, that's really sweet, but I'm just not interested in anything more than a physical relationship with you.
Why? I mean, what is it about me? Is it is it 'cause I live in a dump? Or because I have no money or any desire to make money? Because I have no goals or dreams, or desire to have any goals or dreams? You're right, I'm really not relationship material.
Screw it.
Get a steak knife and cut me out of these pants right now.
You know what? I'm over it.
What? No, wait! Remember this? What the hell did you do to me?! Calm down.
What happened? A hot chick wanted to have sex with me, and because of you, I blew it! You're the one who wanted to have the relationship.
I was happy to just bang her.
Why did you listen to me? I glued myself into my pants! Zack and I are over! How many more lives are you going to destroy? I held it together in the bar, but I just kept thinking, I need to talk to my best friend.
But she wasn't home, so you came here? You have such a great sense of humor.
And I know you will say the exact right thing to make me feel better.
There, there.
You are so wise.
At least I didn't make a scene when he dumped me.
He has no idea he is tearing me up inside.
Oh, I think he might have an idea.
Sasha How do I put this? Uh, some foods just don't go together.
That was the strangest breakup I have ever had.
With someone I wasn't dating and didn't even know.
And was a girl.
I can't believe how upset she was when you broke up with her.
Well, I'm sure there is a pregnant couple out there with an unwieldy age difference that's right for her, but it is not us.
How are your dating muscles? A little sore? What a stupid idea, "vicarious dating.
" Without the sex, dating is just letting people annoy you for no reason.
Don't beat yourself up.
I mean, I understand why you wanted to get involved with everybody.
It's got to be hard to get out of the game.
I mean, you went from being skinny and pretty and popular to being Let me stop you there.
Yeah, sure.
I should be more careful who I bring into this house.
I mean, we're going to have a baby here.
I mean, I got to start being more choosy.
So, basically, I'm four times my normal size, my hormones are so out of control, I sometimes laugh, cry and want to kill someone in the same moment, and the big change in your life is that you have to pick up quality girls? I know, right? Well, why don't you go get yourself a quality girl? I'm going to stay here and watch some quality TV.
Can I watch it with you? You're a quality girl.
Okay.
Want to rub a quality girl's feet? Sure.
What are you gonna rub of mine? Why don't you just rub my feet, and I'll let you keep living here? Yeah, that's good.
What's up? I got your voice mail.
How archaic.
Look, I was writing up a story last night on a triple homicide, and it wasn't one of those funny triple homicides.
Uh, so I needed something to lighten my mood, so I looked up your fluffy Facebook page, and I have to say that the orangutan nursing the kitten, it just it put a smile on my face.
I just wanted to tell you that.
Abby likes this.
God help me.