According To Jim s01e05 Episode Script

[ FIENDISH LAUGHTER .]
HEY, CHERYL! HEY! OH, YOU'RE MAKING HALLOWEEN COSTUMES.
OH, I CAN'T WAIT TILL I HAVE KIDS.
YOU KNOW, HANDMADE COSTUMES ARE REALLY THE WAY TO GO.
YEAH, I GOTTA TELL YOU, IT'S A LOT OF WORK.
OH, CHERYL, I'D PAY YOU.
DANA, YOU KNOW, WHEN THEY'RE YOUR OWN KIDS AND YOU SEE THEM LOOKING UP AT YOU WITH THOSE SWEET LITTLE FACES AND YOU HEAR THEM TALKING TO YOU IN THOSE SWEET LITTLE VOICES [ THUD .]
GRACIE, WOULD YOU STOP JUMPING OFF THE FREAKING STAIRS?! [ SIGHS .]
SO, WHAT ARE YOU GOING AS FOR HALLOWEEN? DESIRABLE WOMAN GOING TO WASTE.
I HAVE TO WORK.
OH, YOU'RE NOT COMING TRICK-OR-TREATING WITH US? NO, THERE'S A PROJECT DUE, AND EVERYONE WITH KIDS GETS TO GO HOME EARLY, SO IT'S JUST ME AND THE LESBIAN IN ACCOUNTING.
WHOA.
ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT LESBIANS? YEAH, JIM.
WE TALK ABOUT LESBIANS WHENEVER YOU'RE NOT IN THE ROOM.
I KNEW IT! DID YOU TAKE THE TRASH OUT? WELL, UH, KIND OF.
ALL RIGHT, DON'T SAY NO YET.
OH, BOY.
THE BAG BROKE AND I WAS GONNA PICK UP THE CHICKEN BONES, AND I THOUGHT, "WAIT A MINUTE.
CHICKEN GRAVEYARD.
" IT'S SPOOKY! WHAT DO YOU THINK? I THINK YOU GET MORE INTO HALLOWEEN THAN THE KIDS DO.
OH, I LOVE IT! I DO! I DO! IT'S ALL THAT FREE CANDY, BABY! YOU KNOW, STICKING IT TO THE MAN! NO MATTER HOW MUCH OUR NEIGHBORS HATE ME, WHEN THEY SEE ME WITH MY KIDS AT THE DOOR, THEY HAVE TO GIVE ME CANDY! IT'S THE LAW.
[ JIM LAUGHS .]
Gracie: MOMMY! DADDY! THERE'S DOGS ON OUR FRONT LAWN! DAMN IT! THEY'RE EATING MY DECORATIONS.
GRACIE! DID YOU JUMP OFF THE STAIRS AGAIN? NO.
I THINK YOU DID, AND I HAVE TOLD YOU A HUNDRED TIMES NOT TO.
JIM, WILL YOU TELL HER NOT TO JUMP OFF THE STAIRS? DON'T JUMP OFF THE STAIRS.
THANK YOU.
NOW THAT'S 101.
IF YOU DO IT AGAIN, YOUNG LADY, YOU ARE GONNA BE VERY SORRY.
WHY CAN'T I JUMP? ON, HONEY, BECAUSE YOU COULD FALL DOWN AND HURT YOURSELF LIKE MOMMY DID.
WELL, SO MUCH FOR MY CHICKEN GRAVEYARD.
OH, DON'T WORRY, JIM.
I'M SURE YOU CAN MAKE ANOTHER ONE BY LUNCH.
HA HA HA HA.
THAT'S REALLY FUNNY YET NO MAN WANTS YOU.
HONEY, THERE'S DOG VOMIT ALL OVER THE LAWN.
I KNOW.
I KNOW.
DON'T TOUCH IT.
I'VE GOT AN IDEA.
HAH! OH, BABY.
AAAAY! HAPPY HALLOWEEN, NERD.
YOU KNOW, WE GOT A MEETING WITH THE FERGUSONS IN AN HOUR.
I THOUGHT THAT WAS TOMORROW.
WELL, IT WAS TILL I CHANGED IT.
AAAAY! HERE.
THAT CAME FOR YOU.
IT WAS IN THE FRONT.
"SOMEDAY YOU'LL BE MINE FOREVER.
A SECRET ADMIRER.
" OOH! SECRET ADMIRER! STUD MUFFIN! YOU'RE THE MAN! THANKS FOR PRETENDING TO CARE.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
IT'S A DOLL OF ME.
WOW.
SOME FREAK WENT TO A LOT OF TROUBLE FOR THIS.
I THINK IT'S SWEET.
SOMEONE REALLY WANTS ME.
DEAD.
WOW.
FERGUSONS IN AN HOUR, RIGHT? [ FIENDISH LAUGHTER .]
Jim: OH, YOU GIRLS LOOK GREAT.
SO YOU'RE A WAITER? YES, I AM.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO LOOK AT OUR SPECIAL TONIGHT? BOO! [ GASPS .]
OH, MY GOODNESS, IT'S MY FAVORITE DISH -- GRACIE FACE.
[ SMOOCHES .]
YOU KNOW WHAT, SWEETIE? IT'S A LITTLE CHILLY OUT.
WOULD YOU GO UPSTAIRS AND GRAB YOUR SWEATER? ATTA-GIRL.
THANK YOU.
WOW, CHERYL, YOU LOOK GREAT.
NO, I MEAN, YOU REALLY LOOK GREAT.
YOU DO, TOO.
REALLY? YOU LIKE IT? IT'S MY WEDDING TUX-- STILL FITS.
YEAH, LIKE A PAINT JOB.
HEY, KYLE, MY MAN! THIS IS YOUR FIRST HALLOWEEN! WHAT IS HE? ISN'T HE ADORABLE? HE'S A PEA POD.
A PEA POD?! I MEAN, AN EVIL, BODY-SNATCHING POD.
OH, GOOD.
THAT'S BETTER.
DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, GRACIE.
[ MOCKINGLY .]
DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.
YOU DON'T THINK I'M SERIOUS? JUST TRY ME.
I AM THE ADULT HERE.
I AM THE BOSS.
[ MOCKINGLY.]
I'M THE BOSS.
YOU ARE REALLY PUSHING IT, YOUNG LADY.
DON'T YOU DARE JUMP OFF THAT STEP! ALL RIGHT! THAT'S IT! I WARNED YOU.
NO TRICK-OR-TREATING! [ GASPS .]
[ GASPS .]
I HATE YOU! SO JUST I'M GOING? YEAH, HONEY.
YAY! CHERYL, WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT? I-I-I DON'T KNOW.
I-I WAS MAD.
IT JUST CAME OUT.
BUT YOU SAW HER.
SHE'S TOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL! I KNOW, BUT IT'S HALLOWEEN! IT'S TRICK-OR-TREATING! [ DOORBELL RINGS .]
JIM, I HAVE BEGGED, I HAVE PLEADED, I-I'VE GIVEN HER TIME-OUTS.
NOTHING WORKS.
I HAD TO DO SOMETHING.
I KNOW, BUT YOU DON'T TAKE AWAY A RELIGIOUS HOLIDAY! TRICK OR TREAT! TRICK OR TREAT! HEY, HOW YOU DOIN', BRIAN? GOOD, JIM.
WHAT'S THAT, UH, WHAT'S THAT IN YOUR FRONT YARD? THAT'S A GHOST WITH SHOES! SPOOKY, HUH? YOU KNOW, AL KRENNIS ACROSS THE STREET, HE'S GOT A SKELETON IN A COFFIN.
WELL, HE'S ALSO GOT A SON IN A DRAG SHOW.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN! [ TELEPHONE RINGS .]
HELLO, GROUND-UP DESIGN, ANDY SPEAKING.
[ DISTORTED VOICE .]
Hello, Andy.
WHO IS THIS? You took me out five years ago.
THAT COULD BE ANYBODY.
You took me to dinner and a movie.
CLAUDIA? Yes.
I never heard from you again.
Why didn't you call me, Andy? You should have called me! I'M SORRY.
YOU SEEMED A LITTLE, WELL, NUTS.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK I MADE A GOOD CALL ON THAT ONE.
[ DIAL TONE .]
HELLO? [ PAGER BEEPS .]
"NICE COSTUME.
" [ COMPUTER BEEPS .]
YOU'VE GOT MAIL.
[ GASPS .]
[ SIGHS .]
OOH! [ FAX BEEPS .]
OH, MY GOD! HELLO, OFFICER? HI, YES, I-I THINK MY LIFE IS IN DANGER.
TH-THERE'S THIS GIRL WHO'S SENDING ME LOVE NOTES AND SMILEY FACES AND DOLLS.
YES, THANK YOU.
I -- WAIT A MINUTE.
THERE'S NO VALENTINE SQUAD.
[ FIENDISH LAUGHTER .]
I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M BEING PUNISHED.
I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG.
I MEAN, OUR COSTUMES ARE GREAT.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF THIS IS GONNA FIT NEXT YEAR.
COME ON, GRAPES, DON'T BE SAD.
HEY.
READY FOR A CORN CHIP RACE? ONETWO THREEGO! MMM.
COME ON, I'M WINNING! OHHH! COME ON! COME ON! DON'T BE MAD AT ME.
THIS IS YOUR MOM'S THING.
SHE'S THE BAD GUY.
HEY, YOU WANNA HEAR A JOKE? [ LAUGHS .]
NO, I CAN'T TELL YOU THAT ONE.
MAYBE IF I CLEAN IT UP.
[ LAUGHS .]
NO, I CAN'T DO IT.
[ DOORBELL RINGS .]
TRICK-OR-TREATERS! COME ON, LET'S GO GIVE THEM CANDY.
COME ON, GRACIE.
COME ON, GET IN YOUR THING.
COME ON, GET IN YOUR THING.
NOW REMEMBER WHEN I SAY "SPECIAL TONIGHT," YOU SAY BOO.
BOO.
THAT'S RIGHT.
TRICK OR TREAT.
[ CHUCKLES .]
OH, WOW.
YOU SCARED ME.
WELL, WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN OUR SPECIAL TONIGHT?! Boo.
HI, GRACIE.
Hi, Emma.
WOW, YOU GUYS ARE REALLY BRAVE.
I MEAN, YOU WALKED RIGHT PAST THAT GHOST WITH SHOES.
MY DAD SAYS YOU'RE CRAZY.
OH, HE DID, DID HE? WHERE DID HE TELL YOU THAT-- IN A BAR? DADDY, WHEN CAN WE GO TRICK-OR-TREATING AGAIN? OH, I DON'T KNOW, HONEY.
MAYBE NEXT YEAR.
HOW MANY MINUTES IS A YEAR? I DON'T KNOW.
NOBODY KNOWS.
AW, YOU'RE KILLING ME, BABY.
MAYBE WE CAN GO TO ONE HOUSE.
REALLY? I DON'T KNOW.
MOM SAID NO TRICK-OR-TREATING.
OK.
YOU KNOW WHAT, THOUGH? IF WE JUST GO TO ONE HOUSE AND SHOW THEM OUR COSTUME, THAT'S NOT TRICK-OR-TREATING TECHNICALLY.
AND IF THEY GIVE US CANDY IT WOULD BE RUDE NOT TO TAKE IT, RIGHT? I LOVE YOU, DADDY! I LOVE CANDY.
LET'S GO! ALL RIGHT, HONEY, WE WENT TO A FEW MORE HOUSES THAN I THOUGHT WE SHOULD, BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS WE BEAT MOM HOME.
TRICK OR TREAT.
YOU, UPSTAIRS.
YOU'RE THE BOSS.
NOT YOU.
REALLY? 'CAUSE IT LOOKED LIKE YOU WERE LOOKING AT ME.
ARE YOU SURE? MAYBE 'CAUSE SHE'S-- NO.
YOU.
[ CLEARS THROAT .]
LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.
ON WHAT PLANET IS TRICK-OR-TREATING CONSIDERED A PUNISHMENT? OH, COME ON, CHERYL.
WE JUST WENT TO A COUPLE OF HOUSES.
WE TOOK THAT FROM A KID.
JIM, YOU HAVE COMPLETELY UNDERMINED MY AUTHORITY.
COME ON, CHERYL.
IT'S NOT LIKE SHE'S GONNA BE DOING THIS THE REST OF HER LIFE.
IT'S JUST A STAGE.
SHE'S GONNA GROW OUT OF IT.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I AM SICK OF BEING THE BAD GUY.
WELLTHEN WHY DON'T YOU TRY BEING A LITTLE NICER? AND YOU KNOW WHAT, HONEY? THIS WOULD BE A GOOD TIME TO START.
YOU KNOW, I AM HOME ALONE WITH THEM ALL DAY JUST TRYING TO SET SOME BOUNDARIES, AND YOU COME HOME AFTER WORK AND YOU JUST TEAR THEM DOWN.
MR.
FUN DAD, WITH YOUR JOKES AND YOUR GAMES AND YOUR SECRET JELLY DOUGHNUTS BEFORE DINNER.
HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THOSE? I EMPTY YOUR POCKETS BEFORE I DO THE WASH.
NOW, I NEED YOU TO BACK ME UP MORE AND ENFORCE MY RULES.
WELL, HONEY, WHAT IF I DON'T AGREE WITH ALL YOUR RULES.
THAT DOESN'T MATTER! WE NEED TO PRESENT A UNITED FRONT, OR THE KIDS ARE GONNA TAKE OVER OUR HOUSE! OH, COME ON, HONEY.
TAKE OVER THE HOUSE? YOU'RE OVERREACTING.
H-HOW COME EVERY TIME WE DISAGREE, I'M OVERREACTING? BECAUSE YOU'RE THE BAD GUY.
SO HE GOES BEHIND MY BACK, BUT SOMEHOW I'M THE ONE WHO'S OVERREACTING.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WENT ON A SECOND DATE WITH HIM.
OKAY, CHERYL.
THE PROBLEM IS SOLVED.
I JUST TALKED TO GRACIE, AND I TOLD HER EVEN THOUGH WE WENT TRICK-OR-TREATING, SHE STILL HAS TO LISTEN TO HER MOTHER.
OH, GOOD.
I'M SURE THAT SOLVED EVERYTHING.
SO YOU CAN THANK ME INBACON.
MORNING.
ANDY, PLEASE, PUT THOSE AWAY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?! I S-SLEPT IN THE BACK ROOM.
I'M AFRAID THE STALKER WILL SHOW UP AT MY PLACE.
DAMN THIS BODY.
IT'S A FREAK MAGNET.
[ CHUCKLES .]
IT'S ALMOST TOO EASY.
WHAT IS? [ DISTORTED VOICE .]
HEY, FONZ, THIS IS CLAUDIA.
YOU'RE DEAD.
AAAAY! YOU'RE THE STALKER?! YES! WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO HIM? BECAUSE HE IS SO MEAN TO ME.
LAST APRIL FOOLS', HE CALLED ME AND TOLD ME AUNT CHARLOTTE DIED.
SHE DID.
OOH.
WELL, I'M IN A GROOVE.
I CAN'T STOP NOW.
[ THUD .]
THAT COULD BE ANYTHING.
[ THUD .]
THE HOUSE SETTLING.
[ THUD, GLASS SHATTERS .]
Gracie: I DIDN'T DO IT.
I'M GOING.
I'M GOING.
GRACIE GRACIE, DID YOU KNOCK OVER THE LAMP I HATE? NO! ARE YOU LYING? NO! RUBY? SHE DID IT.
NOBODY LIKES A SNITCH.
ALL RIGHT, GRACIE.
GO UP TO YOUR ROOM.
NO! GRACIE, I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU AGAIN.
ONE TWO I COUNT.
YOU DON'T COUNT! THREE.
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT.
NOPE, YOU'RE IN A TIME-OUT, AND YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BRITNEY'S BIRTHDAY PARTY ON SATURDAY! I HATE YOU! YEAH? WELL, GET IN LINE.
WAS THAT "I HATE YOU" I JUST HEARD? YEAH.
OH, THEN YOU DID IT RIGHT! THANK YOU, HONEY.
WHAT DID YOU DO? I GAVE HER A TIME-OUT.
GOOD.
AND I TOLD HER SHE CAN'T GO TO BRITNEY'S BIRTHDAY PARTY ON SATURDAY.
NO, NO, JIM.
YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
BRITNEY JUST MOVED IN.
SHE ONLY HAS TWO FRIENDS.
GRACIE'S HALF THE PARTY! WE'LL SEND RUBY.
SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW RUBY.
COME ON.
THEY'RE LITTLE GIRLS.
THEY ALL LOOK ALIKE.
NO, JIM, REALLY, THE WHOLE FAMILY IS GONNA HATE US.
YOU HAVE TO UNDO THIS.
CHERYL, DON'T ASK ME TO DO SOMETHING, THEN TELL ME THE WAY I DID IT WAS WRONG.
I MEAN, IT'S LIKE OUR HONEYMOON ALL OVER AGAIN.
OH, I KNOW.
I'M SORRY.
I KNOW BRITNEY'S VERY UPSET.
HEY, YOU KNOW, I HAVE AN OLDER DAUGHTER WHO COULD COME.
YEAH, YEAH, I'LL HOLD.
WHAT A MESS.
WHAT'S GOING ON? WELL, THE OTHER LITTLE GIRL GOT SICK, SO IF GRACIE DOESN'T GO, THEY HAVE TO CANCEL BRITNEY'S PARTY.
NOPE.
I DON'T CARE.
YEAH, HI, HI, DONNA.
OH, I KNOW.
I KNOW.
IT-IT -- I KNOW.
GIVE ME THE PHONE.
LET ME HANDLE THIS.
HELLO.
YES, THIS IS GRACIE'S FATHER.
YEAH, LISTEN -- PLEASE DON'T DO THAT.
HI, BRITNEY.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SWEETIE.
NO, NO, GRACIE DOESN'T HATE YOU.
NO, SHE DOESN'T.
NO, SHE DOESN'T.
NO, SHE DOESN'T.
BRITNEY, PLEASE DON'T CRY.
OKAY, GRACIE WILL BE THERE SATURDAY.
OKAY.
NEW PLAN.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, WE'LL TELL GRACIE SHE CAN GO TO BRITNEY'S BIRTHDAY ON SATURDAY, BUT NO SOCCER ON SUNDAY.
AH! THAT'S GOOD.
SHE LOVES SOCCER.
GRACIE, COME HERE, SWEETIE.
OKAY YOU WANNA TELL HER, OR YOU WANT ME TO DO IT? NO, YOU DO IT.
YOU NEED THE PRACTICE.
TELL YOU WHAT, YOU DO IT, AND I'LL TAKE OUT THE TRASH.
NO, YOU WON'T.
I KNOW.
GRACIE COME ON IN HERE.
SIT ON THE COUCH, GRACIE.
MOMMY AND DADDY WANT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.
WE'RE GONNA LET YOU GO TO BRITNEY'S PARTY.
YAY! DON'T "YAY" SO FAST, OK? 'CAUSE YOU'RE STILL BEING PUNISHED FOR NOT LISTENING TO MOMMY AND DADDY.
SO NO SOCCER ON SUNDAY.
OH, WE CAN'T DO THAT.
SUNDAY'S TROPHY DAY.
WHAT DO YOU GOT MONDAY? KARATE.
NO KARATE.
SHE HATES KARATE.
THEN, BY GOD, YOU'RE GOING TO KARATE.
JIM, THIS ISN'T WORKING.
WHY DON'T WE TAKE AWAY FRIDAY NIGHT? FRIDAY?! WE CAN'T DO THAT.
THAT'S SPAGHETTI FACTORY NIGHT.
WELL [ SIGHS .]
COULD I GO NOW? YEAH, SURE, GO.
WELL, ALL RIGHT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK? I THINK I'M GONNA TRY THE RAVIOLI THIS TIME.
[ THUD .]
OH, WHAT IS SHE DOING NOW? YOU KNOW WHAT? I GIVE UP.
NO, NO, NO.
NO, CHERYL, NO, YOU DON'T GIVE UP.
YOU GOTTA THINK.
THINK.
WHAT WOULD GOOD PARENTS DO? HI.
WE'RE SORRY TO BOTHER YOU.
YEAH, WE LIVE DOWN THE BLOCK.
OH, YEAH, YOU'RE THE GUY THAT STOLE MY NEWSPAPER LAST YEAR.
UHI-I THOUGHT YOU WERE OUT OF TOWN.
WHY DID YOU RUN AWAY? NOW, THAT WAS ANOTHER GUY.
YOU KNOW, IF HE WAS RUNNING, IT REALLY WASN'T JIM.
UH, [CLEARS THROAT.]
LISTEN THE REASON WE'RE HERE IS THAT MY DAUGHTER GRACIE WOULD LIKE TO SAY SOMETHING.
GRACIE? I'M BAD.
HERE'S THE CANDY.
I DON'T GET IT.
WELL, SHE'S BAD AND, UHWE'RE GIVING HER HALLOWEEN CANDY BACK TO TEACH HER A LESSON.
WOULD YOU JUST TAKE THE CANDY? NO! COME ON, MAN, JUST-- JUST TAKE THE CANDY.
HEY, DON'T DRAG ME INTO YOUR FREAK SHOW.
LOOK, JUST TAKE SOME CANDY BACK, MAN! I DON'T LIKE CANDY! I DON'T EAT IT! WELL, YOU'RE EATING SOMETHING,PORK CHOP! HOLD IT.
GRACIE, WOULD YOU SIT RIGHT THERE FOR A MINUTE, PLEASE? [ SIGHS .]
YOU GO.
I ALWAYS GO.
YOU GO.
YOU NEVER GO.
I KNOW.
GRACIE LISTEN.
DO YOU KNOW WHY WE GAVE THE CANDY BACK? I DON'T KNOW.
CAN I WEAR MY PINK PANTS TOMORROW? SURE, HONEY.
YAY! SHOULD I HAVE SAID NO? [ CHUCKLES .]
I DON'T KNOW, HONEY.
[ CHUCKLES .]
YOU GONNA EAT THAT WHOLE THING? AH! MMM.
YOU KEEP IT.
OHH.
[ FIENDISH LAUGHTER .]
THANK GOD YOU GUYS ARE HERE.
WHAT IS THIS ABOUT? HE WAS HARASSING A WOMAN-- A CLAUDIA NOONAN.
[ GASPS .]
OH, MY GOD.
I WENT TO HER PLACE JUST TO TALK.
SHE WOULDN'T ANSWER THE DOOR, SO I KICKED IT IN.
AND THEN SHE GOES AHEAD AND CALLS THE COPS LIKE I'M THE NUTJOB.
IT WAS ME.
IT WAS A HALLOWEEN PRANK.
CLAUDIA WASN'T STALKING YOU.
I WAS.
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO COME DOWN TO THE STATION WITH ME.
WHAT? WAIT A MINUTE.
GUYS! IT'S OKAY.
WE'LL FOLLOW YOU DOWN, AND WE'LL BAIL YOU OUT.
I CAN'T GO TO JAIL! THEY HAVE TOILETS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM! OH, NO, I-- I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? [ BOTH LAUGH .]
WAS THAT A REAL COP?! HE'S A STRIPPER.
REALLY? I DIDN'T SAY HE WAS GOOD.
Jim: CHERYL! THERE'S A NAKED COP DANCING ON OUR LAWN! I KNOW, HONEY.
IGNORE IT.
Jim: OKAY!