After Life (2019) s01e05 Episode Script
Episode 5
1 Keep being funny.
Tell jokes at the funeral, or at the party after.
There'd better be a party after.
You're always funny at parties.
You always get drunk and overexcited.
Running around like a fat, little annoying Santa with your rosy cheeks, making everyone laugh.
Then you have a sort of spiritual hangover the next day, worried you'd offended so and so.
[LAUGHS.]
You never had, though.
You just made 'em laugh.
Just keep being funny.
You're a lovely man.
[POIGNANT MUSIC.]
[TIRES SQUEAL.]
You all right, George? What's the matter? Robbie hit me.
Why? He always does, every day.
Which one's Robbie? - [SMALLER BOY.]
Stop it! - The one with the branch? Are you Robbie? - Yeah.
- [TONY.]
Robbie, come here.
Listen up, right? I'm an escaped lunatic, and I like murdering little fat kids like you, so if you hit George or anyone else, I'm gonna come to your house I know where you live and while you're asleep, I'm gonna smash your stupid head in with this hammer.
Do you understand? I just threatened a ten-year-old kid with a hammer.
They've gotta learn.
[TONY.]
He was bullying George, and I said I'd murder him in his sleep if he did it again.
- [EMMA.]
Oh Hello.
- [TONY.]
Hi.
He's going to murder a kid with a hammer if it doesn't behave.
[LAUGHS.]
So did you go on your date, then? Yeah.
Was it a success? No, it was awful - awkward just the worst.
- [SNICKERS.]
The one good thing about my life is that I never have to do that shit again.
Oh, I know what you mean.
You know, I'm genuinely happy on my own.
Just me and the dog.
- Me and my cat.
- [TONY.]
Exactly.
When the dog goes, and him, I'll have no responsibility for anything ever again.
I can do what I like.
Mm-hm.
Well, you'll never have to come here again, so - [EMMA SCOFFS.]
- [CLOCK TICKING.]
- Right.
- Okay.
- I've gotta - Yeah.
- [EMMA.]
See you.
- See you later.
Valerie, erm call me when my girlfriend gets here, please.
But you'll see her.
What? Yeah, just call me, huh? She's bringing me a treat.
Women.
Bloody love 'em though.
- Oh, hey.
How was the date? - The worst.
- Oh no.
- Yeah.
I thought you'd have so much in common.
Well, she didn't want to be there, she drank like a fish, swore like a trooper, err, she was narcissistic, rude.
Yeah, exactly.
Good one.
Luckily, I got it in first that I didn't want to be there either, and that I miss my wife, and that I wanna kill myself.
And then she teased me that I couldn't commit suicide as well as her dead husband.
- [BRADEN.]
Sounds brilliant.
- [TONY.]
Yeah.
Then I tried to knock a couple of muggers off a moped.
Stole their hammer.
You were mugged again? No.
A woman was But as they went past me.
I've always wanted to knock a twat off a motorbike.
I hate the way they rev up for no reason.
The fact they were muggers was a bonus.
It sort of justified it.
And what d'you mean, you stole their hammer? [TONY.]
I confiscated it, really.
They dropped it, so I thought, "I'll have that.
" It's a good one as well, so not a complete waste of an evening.
[METALLIC CLATTERING.]
[DRAWER SLAMS.]
[BRADEN TUTS.]
Good.
Can I just talk to you about something a sec? Yeah.
[BRADEN EXHALES.]
Did you hear about Julian? - The guy who distributes the newspapers.
- Yeah.
He was found dead this morning.
From an overdose, heroin.
Yep.
It's so sad.
I didn't even I I had no idea.
I gave him the money.
For what? For drugs.
Yeah, but you couldn't have known that he would overdose, though.
Well - Fuck's sake, Tony.
- What? Don't say that.
Don't even joke about things like that.
What? Why? What's Because you're the godfather to my son.
- Right - Because you're not a fucking psychopath.
- Okay.
- Why would you say Why would you even tell me that? You didn't know.
- Just tell me you didn't know.
- Right.
I couldn't know - Right.
- it was gonna you know, work.
Work? Are you fucking kidding me? He was a heroin addict, okay? That's what he did.
Right? It's what he wanted, obviously.
- So - Tell me that you didn't know that he was gonna kill himself, or I'm not gonna let you see George again, okay? I didn't know.
Obviously not.
Okay.
You didn't Yeah, you didn't know.
[KEYBOARD CLICKING.]
[LENNY.]
Here she is.
- Who? - [LENNY.]
My bird.
- [SCOFFING.]
My bird.
- [LEN.]
Come in.
Take a seat.
- Bread pudding delivery.
- [LENNY.]
Lovely.
Thanks, love.
Um, everyone, it's my girlfriend, June.
June, everyone.
- Hello.
- Hi, June.
[TONY.]
So what's it like going out with that? It's lovely.
- Is it? - [JUNE.]
Yeah.
[TONY.]
What do you mean? He's good with my boy.
- Right.
- [JUNE.]
Got a lot in common, - my two little fatties.
- [LENNY.]
Oh.
[JUNE, GIGGLING.]
I love it when they fight over Creme Eggs.
- Not fighting.
- You do.
No, he's just He gets a bit grabby.
[TONY.]
Ahh.
He tells me you were attracted to his style even before his personality.
- Yeah.
- [TONY.]
Wow.
- Love everything about him.
- [TONY.]
Right.
Especially his body.
Really? Wh wh why? Why? What's He's 'ot.
- 'Ot? - Yeah, like his body temperature's warm, like hot to the touch.
- Oh, right.
- So when he's naked, it's like cuddling - a big baby.
- [TONY, GASPS.]
Oh.
And his skin's dead smooth when he gets out the bath.
Very cuddly, yeah.
[TONY.]
And have you noticed the roll of, um flab on his neck? - Back fat? - [TONY.]
No, not back fat, but we'll come back to that, thank you.
Um, no.
Next time he's lying naked, just grab the back of his neck.
Or get on him, if you like.
Sit on him, grab the roll of fat on his back there, and blump him around the room like a biiiig space hopper.
- That'd be good.
- Don't want to hurt him, do I? -[TONY.]
No.
You just wanna cudd I know.
Wanna see a sexy picture of him just out the bath? - Yes, please, June.
- [JUNE.]
I've got one 'ere.
[CHUCKLING.]
You should probably head off, love, shouldn't you? - Yeah.
- Well, come back any time, though, 'cause we're a local paper, so we need sort of Ahhh! We need sort of local interest stories like this.
- Ah, I forgot the custard.
- Not to worry.
Okay, next time, though.
- [JUNE.]
Never mind.
- Yeah, all right.
See you, love.
- Thanks for - See you later.
Nice to meet you all.
- Nice to meet you.
- [TONY.]
Lovely to meet you.
Cheers.
- [JUNE.]
Ta-ra.
- Thanks for the pud.
[JUNE.]
You're welcome! - [SIGHS.]
Fuckin' hell.
- You make a lovely couple.
Cheers.
Someone for everyone, isn't there? Thanks.
She's brilliant, mate.
[LENNY.]
Cheers.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- Oh.
- Hi.
[EMMA.]
Hi.
Twice in one day? - Somebody's popular.
- It's just a slow workday, so - Wish I had a slow workday.
- You busy? Err Yeah, just a bit.
[CHUCKLES.]
Just Well, have a sit down.
[CLOCK TICKING.]
- That's all I've got.
- [LAUGHS.]
God.
[SLAPS HER LEG.]
- Okay, back to work.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [EMMA.]
Bye! - Bye.
[CHUCKLES.]
[SNIFFS AND CHUCKLES.]
[WOMAN.]
Well, I didn't breastfeed this time, not convenient.
Obviously, I was still lactating, so I thought, "Waste not, want not," so I expressed and started making rice puddings.
- Out of your breast milk? - Good idea.
It's more natural, if you think about it, isn't it? For people to eat a pudding made from human milk.
That's what we're used to, isn't it? Well, when we're babies maybe.
So I kept expressing And making rice puddings.
Do other people eat these? Yeah, they lap it up.
And they know it's your breast milk? Yeah.
Who eats these? Mr.
Crosby at number five.
He can't get enough.
- I mean, I can't make huge puddings.
- Sure.
Sometimes I have to top it up with cow's milk.
Right.
Anyway, do you want to try? Nah.
We're fine, thank you [SLURPING.]
Oh.
Oh, God! - Are you okay? - [TONY GAGS.]
No, it's the sight of him just - [SLURPING.]
slurping it up like a fat fuckin' Labrador.
Oh, god.
[COUGHS.]
It's [RETCHES.]
Oh, God.
[TONY RETCHING.]
Change the subject.
So for the bread, I use my own vaginal yeast.
[RETCHING.]
[TONY.]
Thank you.
You never need to use your own vaginal yeast to make bread.
If you're making bread, "Oh, we've run out of yeast.
Oh, I know.
I can use Forget it.
I'll go to the shops.
We'll get a lovely loaf.
" You've still got the fuckin' milk around your mouth.
Oh, you pig.
I've got to walk the dog.
I'll see you later.
[BRANDY PANTING.]
[POSTMAN.]
All right? - [TONY.]
Yeah.
- Been waiting for you.
Why? Postcard.
- Who's that from? - You, obviously.
What's it say? - You know what it says.
- Go on.
"To Pat.
Stop reading my postcards, you nosy, scruffy cunt.
" Not very nice, is it? It's not addressed to you, is it? It's addressed to me.
Yeah, but you knew I'd read it.
And that's my point.
Good girl.
Come on.
[TONY.]
I'm always angry.
[THERAPIST, SIGHING.]
Yeah.
I hate the fact that people think they can get away with being shit, you know? I was wound up the other day by a woman walking along the street next to me, and she was shuffling.
She wouldn't pick her Pick your fuckin' feet up.
Has no one ever told you how to fuckin' walk? You're an adult.
I wanted to punch a bloke in the cafe yesterday for yawning too loudly.
He was doing this [EXAGGERATED YAWN.]
Shut the fuck up! No one cares.
It's like celebrating being tired.
We all get irritated by things, okay? I hate people who eat the ice in their gin and tonics.
So do I.
But I bet your first thought isn't, "I hope he chokes on that, and as he's on the floor gasping for air, I wanna lean in and go, "That's what you get for eating ice, you fuckin' moron.
" No, it isn't.
Welcome to the contents of my head.
[YAWNING.]
Excuse me.
- Spare a moment for homeless children? - Sorry, no.
Oh, don't care about children in poverty then? Not at the moment.
I've got bigger problems.
Do bigger problems exist than the desperate poverty of a child? Sorry, I thought me saying I was busy was enough.
What's the guilt tripping? And don't give me this altruism shit.
You're not a volunteer.
Everyone knows you're getting paid.
You don't give a fuck about the charity or poverty-stricken kids.
You want money.
I'd effectively be paying your wages, you wiry, little twat.
[CHURCH BELL RINGING.]
[WHISTLES.]
Four-eyes! [PHONE RINGING IN DISTANCE.]
Oh.
Please can I be in the paper? - For what? - Me.
- My story.
- What story? I've got stories.
You'll do stories about anything in here, won't you? What was it last week, "Woman Finds Hat in a Tree"? [SNICKERS.]
Please come and have a look at my home.
- [TONY.]
Why? - This is just the tip of the iceberg.
- You don't know.
- No, I believe you.
It's a tr trevor tro treasure trove.
- Easy for you to say.
- Collected loads of things over the years.
Memorabilia and trophies and my exploits.
If you're not convinced, I promise I'll never darken your door again.
So if we come and look at your house, you'll never bother us Never.
No.
It'll make my year.
D'you wanna go have a look? Yeah.
[SIGHS.]
Please bring the new girl.
D'you want to watch us cover this story? - Yeah.
All right.
- [TONY.]
Yeah? [BRIAN.]
Here we go.
Here we are.
- [TONY.]
Fuckin' hell.
- [BRIAN.]
Come in.
This is the dining room.
Okay, come through.
[EXHALES.]
This is what I've been talking about.
This is [TONY BREATHES HEAVILY.]
Questions? - What's that smell? - Which one? Like a clawing thing in the back of the throat.
- Back of the throat.
Dead mice.
- Yeah Back of the room.
Back corner.
Basically, I put some traps there a couple of years ago, and I can't get to them, so Any other questions? - What are they? - Cockroaches.
I collect them.
Basically, these little fellas are um - Don't open it.
- Okay.
My rule is, if you come onto my property, then I own you.
Okay? Question three? - How long have you been doing this? - Ooh.
When did my wife leave me? [GASPS.]
Seven years.
Seven years ago.
I just thought I could do what I like with the place.
- So I just went for it.
- Yeah, which brings me to my next question, - and don't take this the wrong way - No.
Why have you never considered suicide? I have.
And why didn't you go through with it? Because I decided it was too good for me.
Wow.
[BRIAN.]
That's what you're dealing with.
- Cup of tea? - Definitely not.
[BRIAN.]
Okay.
Brian, this isn't right for a local paper.
How can I do a There's no story here, mate.
Can I stay and try and find one? - [TONY.]
Really? - Yeah.
[TONY.]
Okay.
See you later.
- Cheers, Brian.
- [LEN.]
Yeah.
- [BRIAN.]
Thank you.
- Bye.
Where are you going? - I'm coming with you.
- No, you're not.
[WHISPERING.]
Don't leave her with him.
- It stinks.
- Yeah.
[BRIAN.]
What d'you wanna know? Where'd you wanna go? [SANDY.]
Just show me what you've got, really.
[BRIAN.]
What I've got? [LAUGHS.]
What haven't I got? Okay, thank you.
Yeah.
No, thanks for letting me know.
[SILLY HIGH VOICE.]
Hello, everybody! Hello! [SILLY DEEP VOICE.]
Hello, everybody! Hello.
Say hello, everybody.
- Hello.
- [SILLY DEEP VOICE.]
Hello.
[HIGH VOICE.]
Hello, Mr.
Punch.
[LOW VOICE.]
Hello, Mrs.
Punch.
What are you up to? Oh, nothing much.
Nothing much.
Yes, you have.
You've been shagging Mickey the Gypsy.
No, I haven't.
Yes, you have.
Ooh, calm down, Brian.
Calm down? You're telling me to calm down? Huh? You've made me a laughing stock around the village, and she's telling me to calm down.
She's been shagging anything that moves.
For 18 months, she's shagging Mickey the Gypsy down Green Lane.
My wife is a slut.
There's your headline.
"My Wife's a Slut.
" This woman has destroyed me.
Yes, please, take a picture.
Thank you.
[CAMERA CLICKS.]
Tony, can I have a word? - [TONY.]
Now? - Yeah, now.
Shut the door.
Sit down.
I just had a phone call from the school.
Not as a story or anything, but as a parent.
Apparently, a middle-aged man threatened a ten-year-old child with a hammer today.
You threatened a child with a fucking hammer.
Who told you it was me? Nobody.
They don't know it was you.
I know it was you 'cause I've seen the fucking hammer.
He was bullying George.
What the fuck is wrong with you, Tony? I can't I can take all the insults, you know, the lateness.
Fill your boots with that shit, but you can't If you carry on like this, people are gonna get hurt, right? - And it's not gonna be George.
- I know.
I was trying to stop George getting hurt.
I get enough grief from Jill as it is, letting George see you, but I do it because I know it makes you happy, but I can't risk that anymore.
Do you understand? - I'm fucked up.
- You're not fuck that's not good enough.
That is not good enough, Tony.
That's letting yourself off the hook again.
People who are fucked up don't choose to be like that.
You're doing this on purpose.
You know what you're doing.
This is the worst thing you've done.
I don't even know what you're fighting anymore.
I don't get this, okay? There is no enemy in this story.
This is You're just doing this to yourself.
I'm in pain, all right? I'm in fucking pain all the time, and I do shit like this [TEARFULLY.]
'cause it makes me feel better for a split second.
Other people are in pain as well.
Other people have shit going on.
Other people have things they need to deal with.
I just want to be out of pain.
Either live without pain or die without pain, whichever one comes first.
- I choose that, all right? - Okay, listen to me.
If you're saying to me that you can't be trusted, that you're not accountable for your actions, then that's fine, if that's what you're saying.
But that means that you don't get to see George.
Because if you're saying I have to choose between the safety of my son and you, then I choose my son every fucking time.
Do you understand me? It doesn't even come close.
- I'd never do anything to hurt George.
- Look what you've done already.
I know.
I won't do anything like this again.
Well, let's see, okay? [LENNY HUFFING.]
What was it like? - Absolutely mental.
- [KATH.]
Why? [LENNY.]
It's just full of shit.
Just old shit.
He did a puppet show! - [KATH.]
Puppet show? - Yeah, like an actual puppet show.
How are you even gonna deal with that? It's quite sad.
Excited to start it.
Why is it empty? What d'you mean? Well, usually, there's like a romantic scene or a castle or something inside.
[KATH.]
Yeah.
This is one of them that you're meant to put a photo of a loved one in, but I haven't met anyone, though.
[TONY.]
Fuck me.
Put something in it.
Picture of your cat, something you love.
What d'you love? Loads of stuff.
Go on.
Go on what? What d'you mean "Go on what"? What? I said, "Go on," and you said, "Go on what?" You haven't heard the phrase, "go on," as in expound, give me some examples? - No.
- No? Okay.
Give me some examples of things you love.
[KATH EXHALES.]
[SIGHS.]
Having a laugh.
- Really? - [KATH.]
Yeah! You've seen the birthday cards I buy people.
Funny memes I show around on Twitter.
Kevin Hart.
- [TONY.]
Fancy seeing you here.
- Oh.
- [TONY.]
You all right? - Yeah.
[TONY.]
Good.
Erm I need some advice.
I wanted to kill myself.
And when I couldn't, or hadn't, I thought, "Okay.
If I'm gonna do this carrying on living thing, it's gonna be on my terms, I'm gonna do what I want, and I've always got suicide to fall back on.
" Got to have a backup.
[TONY CHUCKLES.]
Exactly.
But it didn't go to plan.
Erm At first, I thought it was like a superpower.
I can do anything.
Who cares? What's the worst that can happen? Nothing can hurt me because I can always kill myself, you know? And But then I realized you can't You can't not care about things you actually care about.
You can't fool yourself and And, err it was something you said, that it's not all about me, and even though I'm in pain, it's worth sticking around to maybe make my little corner of the world a slightly better place.
That's all there is.
Happiness is amazing.
It's so amazing, it doesn't matter if it's yours or not.
There's that lovely thing, "A society grows great when old men plant trees, the shade of which they know they will never sit in.
" Good people do things for other people.
That's it.
The end.
And you're good, Tony.
You have so much to give.
Smart fun lovely.
You forgot "sexy," but Yeah, well, didn't want to be too obvious.
- If you were 20 years younger, right? - Exactly.
Mind you, if I was 20 years younger, I think I could do better.
[TONY SNICKERS.]
- Yeah, definitely.
- [ANNE CHUCKLES.]
[LAUGHING.]
Ah.
[PIGEON COOING.]
[KATH.]
All right, I'm off.
Bye.
- See you tomorrow.
- See ya.
- See ya.
- [SANDY.]
Bye.
[PRINTER WHIRRING.]
- [SANDY.]
Tony.
- Huh? Please be happy.
What? [SANDY.]
You deserve to be happy.
Please be happy.
I love how much you love your wife, and I can't wait for someone to love me as much as you love your wife.
But you can still be happy.
Okay.
[SANDY.]
You're so funny.
You make me laugh all the time.
Tony, you're breaking my heart.
Okay.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
- How's the Brian story going? - Yeah, I've got it here.
- Do you want to read it? - Yep.
[SIGHS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, this can be the front page.
- Really? - Yeah.
Oh, my God.
I could cry.
Don't cry, and don't be too flattered.
Have you seen our front pages? [LAUGHING.]
Yeah.
But still It's really good.
- Really good.
- Thank you.
[LISA CLEARS THROAT.]
[GASPS.]
No way! [GASPS.]
Tony! [LAUGHS.]
Oh, my God! Hello! Hello, you! Hello.
Wow.
This is your new home.
- [TONY, WHISPERING.]
Oh, God.
- My God, Tony.
[TONY.]
Look at that face.
[LISA, CHUCKLING.]
She is gorgeous.
[BIRDS TWITTERING.]
- Hey.
- You all right? - I knew I'd find you at the office.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Prostitute.
[CHUCKLING.]
Sex worker.
- [TONY SIGHS.]
- When you're down And troubled And you need a helping hand And nothing Whoa, nothing's going right Close your eyes and think of me And soon I will be there To brighten up Even your darkest night You just call out my name And you know wherever I am I'll come running Oh, yeah, baby To see you again
Tell jokes at the funeral, or at the party after.
There'd better be a party after.
You're always funny at parties.
You always get drunk and overexcited.
Running around like a fat, little annoying Santa with your rosy cheeks, making everyone laugh.
Then you have a sort of spiritual hangover the next day, worried you'd offended so and so.
[LAUGHS.]
You never had, though.
You just made 'em laugh.
Just keep being funny.
You're a lovely man.
[POIGNANT MUSIC.]
[TIRES SQUEAL.]
You all right, George? What's the matter? Robbie hit me.
Why? He always does, every day.
Which one's Robbie? - [SMALLER BOY.]
Stop it! - The one with the branch? Are you Robbie? - Yeah.
- [TONY.]
Robbie, come here.
Listen up, right? I'm an escaped lunatic, and I like murdering little fat kids like you, so if you hit George or anyone else, I'm gonna come to your house I know where you live and while you're asleep, I'm gonna smash your stupid head in with this hammer.
Do you understand? I just threatened a ten-year-old kid with a hammer.
They've gotta learn.
[TONY.]
He was bullying George, and I said I'd murder him in his sleep if he did it again.
- [EMMA.]
Oh Hello.
- [TONY.]
Hi.
He's going to murder a kid with a hammer if it doesn't behave.
[LAUGHS.]
So did you go on your date, then? Yeah.
Was it a success? No, it was awful - awkward just the worst.
- [SNICKERS.]
The one good thing about my life is that I never have to do that shit again.
Oh, I know what you mean.
You know, I'm genuinely happy on my own.
Just me and the dog.
- Me and my cat.
- [TONY.]
Exactly.
When the dog goes, and him, I'll have no responsibility for anything ever again.
I can do what I like.
Mm-hm.
Well, you'll never have to come here again, so - [EMMA SCOFFS.]
- [CLOCK TICKING.]
- Right.
- Okay.
- I've gotta - Yeah.
- [EMMA.]
See you.
- See you later.
Valerie, erm call me when my girlfriend gets here, please.
But you'll see her.
What? Yeah, just call me, huh? She's bringing me a treat.
Women.
Bloody love 'em though.
- Oh, hey.
How was the date? - The worst.
- Oh no.
- Yeah.
I thought you'd have so much in common.
Well, she didn't want to be there, she drank like a fish, swore like a trooper, err, she was narcissistic, rude.
Yeah, exactly.
Good one.
Luckily, I got it in first that I didn't want to be there either, and that I miss my wife, and that I wanna kill myself.
And then she teased me that I couldn't commit suicide as well as her dead husband.
- [BRADEN.]
Sounds brilliant.
- [TONY.]
Yeah.
Then I tried to knock a couple of muggers off a moped.
Stole their hammer.
You were mugged again? No.
A woman was But as they went past me.
I've always wanted to knock a twat off a motorbike.
I hate the way they rev up for no reason.
The fact they were muggers was a bonus.
It sort of justified it.
And what d'you mean, you stole their hammer? [TONY.]
I confiscated it, really.
They dropped it, so I thought, "I'll have that.
" It's a good one as well, so not a complete waste of an evening.
[METALLIC CLATTERING.]
[DRAWER SLAMS.]
[BRADEN TUTS.]
Good.
Can I just talk to you about something a sec? Yeah.
[BRADEN EXHALES.]
Did you hear about Julian? - The guy who distributes the newspapers.
- Yeah.
He was found dead this morning.
From an overdose, heroin.
Yep.
It's so sad.
I didn't even I I had no idea.
I gave him the money.
For what? For drugs.
Yeah, but you couldn't have known that he would overdose, though.
Well - Fuck's sake, Tony.
- What? Don't say that.
Don't even joke about things like that.
What? Why? What's Because you're the godfather to my son.
- Right - Because you're not a fucking psychopath.
- Okay.
- Why would you say Why would you even tell me that? You didn't know.
- Just tell me you didn't know.
- Right.
I couldn't know - Right.
- it was gonna you know, work.
Work? Are you fucking kidding me? He was a heroin addict, okay? That's what he did.
Right? It's what he wanted, obviously.
- So - Tell me that you didn't know that he was gonna kill himself, or I'm not gonna let you see George again, okay? I didn't know.
Obviously not.
Okay.
You didn't Yeah, you didn't know.
[KEYBOARD CLICKING.]
[LENNY.]
Here she is.
- Who? - [LENNY.]
My bird.
- [SCOFFING.]
My bird.
- [LEN.]
Come in.
Take a seat.
- Bread pudding delivery.
- [LENNY.]
Lovely.
Thanks, love.
Um, everyone, it's my girlfriend, June.
June, everyone.
- Hello.
- Hi, June.
[TONY.]
So what's it like going out with that? It's lovely.
- Is it? - [JUNE.]
Yeah.
[TONY.]
What do you mean? He's good with my boy.
- Right.
- [JUNE.]
Got a lot in common, - my two little fatties.
- [LENNY.]
Oh.
[JUNE, GIGGLING.]
I love it when they fight over Creme Eggs.
- Not fighting.
- You do.
No, he's just He gets a bit grabby.
[TONY.]
Ahh.
He tells me you were attracted to his style even before his personality.
- Yeah.
- [TONY.]
Wow.
- Love everything about him.
- [TONY.]
Right.
Especially his body.
Really? Wh wh why? Why? What's He's 'ot.
- 'Ot? - Yeah, like his body temperature's warm, like hot to the touch.
- Oh, right.
- So when he's naked, it's like cuddling - a big baby.
- [TONY, GASPS.]
Oh.
And his skin's dead smooth when he gets out the bath.
Very cuddly, yeah.
[TONY.]
And have you noticed the roll of, um flab on his neck? - Back fat? - [TONY.]
No, not back fat, but we'll come back to that, thank you.
Um, no.
Next time he's lying naked, just grab the back of his neck.
Or get on him, if you like.
Sit on him, grab the roll of fat on his back there, and blump him around the room like a biiiig space hopper.
- That'd be good.
- Don't want to hurt him, do I? -[TONY.]
No.
You just wanna cudd I know.
Wanna see a sexy picture of him just out the bath? - Yes, please, June.
- [JUNE.]
I've got one 'ere.
[CHUCKLING.]
You should probably head off, love, shouldn't you? - Yeah.
- Well, come back any time, though, 'cause we're a local paper, so we need sort of Ahhh! We need sort of local interest stories like this.
- Ah, I forgot the custard.
- Not to worry.
Okay, next time, though.
- [JUNE.]
Never mind.
- Yeah, all right.
See you, love.
- Thanks for - See you later.
Nice to meet you all.
- Nice to meet you.
- [TONY.]
Lovely to meet you.
Cheers.
- [JUNE.]
Ta-ra.
- Thanks for the pud.
[JUNE.]
You're welcome! - [SIGHS.]
Fuckin' hell.
- You make a lovely couple.
Cheers.
Someone for everyone, isn't there? Thanks.
She's brilliant, mate.
[LENNY.]
Cheers.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- Oh.
- Hi.
[EMMA.]
Hi.
Twice in one day? - Somebody's popular.
- It's just a slow workday, so - Wish I had a slow workday.
- You busy? Err Yeah, just a bit.
[CHUCKLES.]
Just Well, have a sit down.
[CLOCK TICKING.]
- That's all I've got.
- [LAUGHS.]
God.
[SLAPS HER LEG.]
- Okay, back to work.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [EMMA.]
Bye! - Bye.
[CHUCKLES.]
[SNIFFS AND CHUCKLES.]
[WOMAN.]
Well, I didn't breastfeed this time, not convenient.
Obviously, I was still lactating, so I thought, "Waste not, want not," so I expressed and started making rice puddings.
- Out of your breast milk? - Good idea.
It's more natural, if you think about it, isn't it? For people to eat a pudding made from human milk.
That's what we're used to, isn't it? Well, when we're babies maybe.
So I kept expressing And making rice puddings.
Do other people eat these? Yeah, they lap it up.
And they know it's your breast milk? Yeah.
Who eats these? Mr.
Crosby at number five.
He can't get enough.
- I mean, I can't make huge puddings.
- Sure.
Sometimes I have to top it up with cow's milk.
Right.
Anyway, do you want to try? Nah.
We're fine, thank you [SLURPING.]
Oh.
Oh, God! - Are you okay? - [TONY GAGS.]
No, it's the sight of him just - [SLURPING.]
slurping it up like a fat fuckin' Labrador.
Oh, god.
[COUGHS.]
It's [RETCHES.]
Oh, God.
[TONY RETCHING.]
Change the subject.
So for the bread, I use my own vaginal yeast.
[RETCHING.]
[TONY.]
Thank you.
You never need to use your own vaginal yeast to make bread.
If you're making bread, "Oh, we've run out of yeast.
Oh, I know.
I can use Forget it.
I'll go to the shops.
We'll get a lovely loaf.
" You've still got the fuckin' milk around your mouth.
Oh, you pig.
I've got to walk the dog.
I'll see you later.
[BRANDY PANTING.]
[POSTMAN.]
All right? - [TONY.]
Yeah.
- Been waiting for you.
Why? Postcard.
- Who's that from? - You, obviously.
What's it say? - You know what it says.
- Go on.
"To Pat.
Stop reading my postcards, you nosy, scruffy cunt.
" Not very nice, is it? It's not addressed to you, is it? It's addressed to me.
Yeah, but you knew I'd read it.
And that's my point.
Good girl.
Come on.
[TONY.]
I'm always angry.
[THERAPIST, SIGHING.]
Yeah.
I hate the fact that people think they can get away with being shit, you know? I was wound up the other day by a woman walking along the street next to me, and she was shuffling.
She wouldn't pick her Pick your fuckin' feet up.
Has no one ever told you how to fuckin' walk? You're an adult.
I wanted to punch a bloke in the cafe yesterday for yawning too loudly.
He was doing this [EXAGGERATED YAWN.]
Shut the fuck up! No one cares.
It's like celebrating being tired.
We all get irritated by things, okay? I hate people who eat the ice in their gin and tonics.
So do I.
But I bet your first thought isn't, "I hope he chokes on that, and as he's on the floor gasping for air, I wanna lean in and go, "That's what you get for eating ice, you fuckin' moron.
" No, it isn't.
Welcome to the contents of my head.
[YAWNING.]
Excuse me.
- Spare a moment for homeless children? - Sorry, no.
Oh, don't care about children in poverty then? Not at the moment.
I've got bigger problems.
Do bigger problems exist than the desperate poverty of a child? Sorry, I thought me saying I was busy was enough.
What's the guilt tripping? And don't give me this altruism shit.
You're not a volunteer.
Everyone knows you're getting paid.
You don't give a fuck about the charity or poverty-stricken kids.
You want money.
I'd effectively be paying your wages, you wiry, little twat.
[CHURCH BELL RINGING.]
[WHISTLES.]
Four-eyes! [PHONE RINGING IN DISTANCE.]
Oh.
Please can I be in the paper? - For what? - Me.
- My story.
- What story? I've got stories.
You'll do stories about anything in here, won't you? What was it last week, "Woman Finds Hat in a Tree"? [SNICKERS.]
Please come and have a look at my home.
- [TONY.]
Why? - This is just the tip of the iceberg.
- You don't know.
- No, I believe you.
It's a tr trevor tro treasure trove.
- Easy for you to say.
- Collected loads of things over the years.
Memorabilia and trophies and my exploits.
If you're not convinced, I promise I'll never darken your door again.
So if we come and look at your house, you'll never bother us Never.
No.
It'll make my year.
D'you wanna go have a look? Yeah.
[SIGHS.]
Please bring the new girl.
D'you want to watch us cover this story? - Yeah.
All right.
- [TONY.]
Yeah? [BRIAN.]
Here we go.
Here we are.
- [TONY.]
Fuckin' hell.
- [BRIAN.]
Come in.
This is the dining room.
Okay, come through.
[EXHALES.]
This is what I've been talking about.
This is [TONY BREATHES HEAVILY.]
Questions? - What's that smell? - Which one? Like a clawing thing in the back of the throat.
- Back of the throat.
Dead mice.
- Yeah Back of the room.
Back corner.
Basically, I put some traps there a couple of years ago, and I can't get to them, so Any other questions? - What are they? - Cockroaches.
I collect them.
Basically, these little fellas are um - Don't open it.
- Okay.
My rule is, if you come onto my property, then I own you.
Okay? Question three? - How long have you been doing this? - Ooh.
When did my wife leave me? [GASPS.]
Seven years.
Seven years ago.
I just thought I could do what I like with the place.
- So I just went for it.
- Yeah, which brings me to my next question, - and don't take this the wrong way - No.
Why have you never considered suicide? I have.
And why didn't you go through with it? Because I decided it was too good for me.
Wow.
[BRIAN.]
That's what you're dealing with.
- Cup of tea? - Definitely not.
[BRIAN.]
Okay.
Brian, this isn't right for a local paper.
How can I do a There's no story here, mate.
Can I stay and try and find one? - [TONY.]
Really? - Yeah.
[TONY.]
Okay.
See you later.
- Cheers, Brian.
- [LEN.]
Yeah.
- [BRIAN.]
Thank you.
- Bye.
Where are you going? - I'm coming with you.
- No, you're not.
[WHISPERING.]
Don't leave her with him.
- It stinks.
- Yeah.
[BRIAN.]
What d'you wanna know? Where'd you wanna go? [SANDY.]
Just show me what you've got, really.
[BRIAN.]
What I've got? [LAUGHS.]
What haven't I got? Okay, thank you.
Yeah.
No, thanks for letting me know.
[SILLY HIGH VOICE.]
Hello, everybody! Hello! [SILLY DEEP VOICE.]
Hello, everybody! Hello.
Say hello, everybody.
- Hello.
- [SILLY DEEP VOICE.]
Hello.
[HIGH VOICE.]
Hello, Mr.
Punch.
[LOW VOICE.]
Hello, Mrs.
Punch.
What are you up to? Oh, nothing much.
Nothing much.
Yes, you have.
You've been shagging Mickey the Gypsy.
No, I haven't.
Yes, you have.
Ooh, calm down, Brian.
Calm down? You're telling me to calm down? Huh? You've made me a laughing stock around the village, and she's telling me to calm down.
She's been shagging anything that moves.
For 18 months, she's shagging Mickey the Gypsy down Green Lane.
My wife is a slut.
There's your headline.
"My Wife's a Slut.
" This woman has destroyed me.
Yes, please, take a picture.
Thank you.
[CAMERA CLICKS.]
Tony, can I have a word? - [TONY.]
Now? - Yeah, now.
Shut the door.
Sit down.
I just had a phone call from the school.
Not as a story or anything, but as a parent.
Apparently, a middle-aged man threatened a ten-year-old child with a hammer today.
You threatened a child with a fucking hammer.
Who told you it was me? Nobody.
They don't know it was you.
I know it was you 'cause I've seen the fucking hammer.
He was bullying George.
What the fuck is wrong with you, Tony? I can't I can take all the insults, you know, the lateness.
Fill your boots with that shit, but you can't If you carry on like this, people are gonna get hurt, right? - And it's not gonna be George.
- I know.
I was trying to stop George getting hurt.
I get enough grief from Jill as it is, letting George see you, but I do it because I know it makes you happy, but I can't risk that anymore.
Do you understand? - I'm fucked up.
- You're not fuck that's not good enough.
That is not good enough, Tony.
That's letting yourself off the hook again.
People who are fucked up don't choose to be like that.
You're doing this on purpose.
You know what you're doing.
This is the worst thing you've done.
I don't even know what you're fighting anymore.
I don't get this, okay? There is no enemy in this story.
This is You're just doing this to yourself.
I'm in pain, all right? I'm in fucking pain all the time, and I do shit like this [TEARFULLY.]
'cause it makes me feel better for a split second.
Other people are in pain as well.
Other people have shit going on.
Other people have things they need to deal with.
I just want to be out of pain.
Either live without pain or die without pain, whichever one comes first.
- I choose that, all right? - Okay, listen to me.
If you're saying to me that you can't be trusted, that you're not accountable for your actions, then that's fine, if that's what you're saying.
But that means that you don't get to see George.
Because if you're saying I have to choose between the safety of my son and you, then I choose my son every fucking time.
Do you understand me? It doesn't even come close.
- I'd never do anything to hurt George.
- Look what you've done already.
I know.
I won't do anything like this again.
Well, let's see, okay? [LENNY HUFFING.]
What was it like? - Absolutely mental.
- [KATH.]
Why? [LENNY.]
It's just full of shit.
Just old shit.
He did a puppet show! - [KATH.]
Puppet show? - Yeah, like an actual puppet show.
How are you even gonna deal with that? It's quite sad.
Excited to start it.
Why is it empty? What d'you mean? Well, usually, there's like a romantic scene or a castle or something inside.
[KATH.]
Yeah.
This is one of them that you're meant to put a photo of a loved one in, but I haven't met anyone, though.
[TONY.]
Fuck me.
Put something in it.
Picture of your cat, something you love.
What d'you love? Loads of stuff.
Go on.
Go on what? What d'you mean "Go on what"? What? I said, "Go on," and you said, "Go on what?" You haven't heard the phrase, "go on," as in expound, give me some examples? - No.
- No? Okay.
Give me some examples of things you love.
[KATH EXHALES.]
[SIGHS.]
Having a laugh.
- Really? - [KATH.]
Yeah! You've seen the birthday cards I buy people.
Funny memes I show around on Twitter.
Kevin Hart.
- [TONY.]
Fancy seeing you here.
- Oh.
- [TONY.]
You all right? - Yeah.
[TONY.]
Good.
Erm I need some advice.
I wanted to kill myself.
And when I couldn't, or hadn't, I thought, "Okay.
If I'm gonna do this carrying on living thing, it's gonna be on my terms, I'm gonna do what I want, and I've always got suicide to fall back on.
" Got to have a backup.
[TONY CHUCKLES.]
Exactly.
But it didn't go to plan.
Erm At first, I thought it was like a superpower.
I can do anything.
Who cares? What's the worst that can happen? Nothing can hurt me because I can always kill myself, you know? And But then I realized you can't You can't not care about things you actually care about.
You can't fool yourself and And, err it was something you said, that it's not all about me, and even though I'm in pain, it's worth sticking around to maybe make my little corner of the world a slightly better place.
That's all there is.
Happiness is amazing.
It's so amazing, it doesn't matter if it's yours or not.
There's that lovely thing, "A society grows great when old men plant trees, the shade of which they know they will never sit in.
" Good people do things for other people.
That's it.
The end.
And you're good, Tony.
You have so much to give.
Smart fun lovely.
You forgot "sexy," but Yeah, well, didn't want to be too obvious.
- If you were 20 years younger, right? - Exactly.
Mind you, if I was 20 years younger, I think I could do better.
[TONY SNICKERS.]
- Yeah, definitely.
- [ANNE CHUCKLES.]
[LAUGHING.]
Ah.
[PIGEON COOING.]
[KATH.]
All right, I'm off.
Bye.
- See you tomorrow.
- See ya.
- See ya.
- [SANDY.]
Bye.
[PRINTER WHIRRING.]
- [SANDY.]
Tony.
- Huh? Please be happy.
What? [SANDY.]
You deserve to be happy.
Please be happy.
I love how much you love your wife, and I can't wait for someone to love me as much as you love your wife.
But you can still be happy.
Okay.
[SANDY.]
You're so funny.
You make me laugh all the time.
Tony, you're breaking my heart.
Okay.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
- How's the Brian story going? - Yeah, I've got it here.
- Do you want to read it? - Yep.
[SIGHS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, this can be the front page.
- Really? - Yeah.
Oh, my God.
I could cry.
Don't cry, and don't be too flattered.
Have you seen our front pages? [LAUGHING.]
Yeah.
But still It's really good.
- Really good.
- Thank you.
[LISA CLEARS THROAT.]
[GASPS.]
No way! [GASPS.]
Tony! [LAUGHS.]
Oh, my God! Hello! Hello, you! Hello.
Wow.
This is your new home.
- [TONY, WHISPERING.]
Oh, God.
- My God, Tony.
[TONY.]
Look at that face.
[LISA, CHUCKLING.]
She is gorgeous.
[BIRDS TWITTERING.]
- Hey.
- You all right? - I knew I'd find you at the office.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Prostitute.
[CHUCKLING.]
Sex worker.
- [TONY SIGHS.]
- When you're down And troubled And you need a helping hand And nothing Whoa, nothing's going right Close your eyes and think of me And soon I will be there To brighten up Even your darkest night You just call out my name And you know wherever I am I'll come running Oh, yeah, baby To see you again