AJ and the Queen (2020) s01e05 Episode Script
Mt. Juliet
1 [TWINKLING CHIMES.]
[AUDIENCE CLAPPING TO RHYTHM.]
[DRAMATIC PIANO MUSIC PLAYING.]
[AJ.]
Look at him.
Trying so hard.
Those teeth are practically jumping out of his mouth.
You have to be pretty desperate to try that hard.
And it's not just tonight.
He's been doing this pretty much every night for years.
Well, I guess all that sweat and trying leads to a night like this.
- ["RUBY IS RED HOT" PLAYING.]
- Who got what I got? Nobody, nobody [SQUEALS.]
So good! So good! Whoo! [LAUGHS.]
Thank you, Bardstown.
- [AJ.]
I figured out a long time ago - [LAUGHS.]
that life sucks.
I guess it takes other people longer to figure that out.
[PANTING.]
Ah, okay.
Three dollars.
It's a start.
You know tipping really isn't about the money.
[CHUCKLES.]
It's about connecting.
Creating a relationship between the audience and performer.
Especially when the performer has given everything to the audience.
Sorry.
[QUIETLY.]
It's just my cat has heartworms and I need the money for her medications.
You're so good.
So good.
Jesus Christ.
That's it, I'm calling it.
Here's a 20.
Show's over, people.
Go back home.
We better get out of here before you get mobbed by your fan.
Okay, well, it wasn't my best crowd.
Wasn't my worst either.
Wait, it gets worse? Well, it all depends on how you look at life, AJ.
Yeah, I'm in the liquor room, but I see the champagne.
[RAT SQUEAKS.]
Yeah, well, I see a rat.
Okay, well, that's showbiz, kiddo.
They can't all be Diana Ross at the Felt Forum.
Who's Diana Ross? - [BOTTLES CLINK.]
- [GASPS.]
[RAT SQUEAKS.]
[QUIETLY.]
How dare you? [ROBERT.]
1981.
The roof of the Felt Forum.
And there it is, spelled out in giant letters: "Diana.
" D-I-A-N-A.
She's there with this white skintight catsuit on.
She's all skinny and gorgeous with these gold butterfly wings.
Yes, you heard me, big gold butterfly wings.
And the camera is in a helicopter.
Uh-huh.
And it pulls back, and you get a view of Diana Ross, and she's just spinning.
She's just spinning with these wings on, looking gorgeous.
It is s-so iconic.
So iconic.
[TAKES A DEEP BREATH.]
Diana Ross.
You're tired.
I'm sorry.
No more talking.
I just get so wired after a show, it's hard for me to fall asleep.
You know, I I'll just watch some old Oprahs.
No! That's even worse.
Isn't there anything else that you do to help you fall asleep after a show? ["LEVEL UP" PLAYING.]
Five, four - Three, two, one - Leggo! Watch me! - Level up, level up - [BOTH MOANING.]
Oh, yeah.
Come here.
Level up, level up Level up, level up, level up - All this on me - Oh.
- So Brando in Streetcar.
- [BOTH PANTING.]
- You're an animal.
- [BOTH GROWL.]
- [DAMIEN.]
Let's go.
- [DOOR SLAMS LOUDLY.]
Uh I mostly just watch old Oprahs.
[STEAM HISSES.]
What is that smell? Breakfast.
I'm done with the fast food.
I need to start eatin' healthy again.
And you think chicken with a side of spray starch is healthy? Yeah, it's better than eating that crap I got you.
[GRUNTS.]
They should rename that thing the Egg McMuffin-top.
According to the scale, I've gained two pounds from eatin' those.
No, that scale's way off.
Mm! Good, my new purse came in.
You said he'd call.
No call.
No contact at all.
We're just followin' him from gay club to gay club, and I'm gettin' fat.
Don't worry.
He'll call.
Right now, he's thinking he's done with you.
He's just a lonely, middle-aged, broke-ass drag queen who'll soon be desperate for any love or money he can get from you.
And stop stressing.
You look amazing.
[STEAM HISSES.]
I do? Show me.
[DAMIEN GRUNTS.]
Hot.
Thank you.
You don't have to thank me.
It's true.
You were the hottest one I ever worked with.
"Were"? Are.
Hey, you just keep your eye on the prize.
Just like I did with Miss Hawaii.
It took me years of competing to get that title.
Everyone said it was never gonna happen.
That I was born on the wrong side of the volcano.
- [HAWAIIAN MUSIC PLAYING.]
- But I did it.
I went all the way to Miss America.
Did you win? No.
Ethnic faces weren't trending back then.
That and the naked pictures that they found.
Hey, you'd better make sure that thing's cooked all the way through.
- You don't what trichinosis or whatever.
- [DAMIEN.]
It's fine.
I have the iron set on cotton.
["WALK IT OFF" PLAYING.]
Uh [ROBERT.]
Thank you.
Have a nice day.
Morning! [AJ.]
'Sup? I got up early and went into town.
Didn't want to wake you.
Yeah, well, next time, don't be so loud putting your bed away.
Note taken.
Okay, I got us some essentials.
Dental floss, mouthwash a little Western-wear shirt for you.
Do you hear me? Yeah.
Did you hear you? [SIGHS.]
I mean, look at this cute little sequin bird detail.
Wouldn't it be nice to have a little sparkle in your life? Nope.
That shirt's stupid.
[ROBERT.]
It is not.
I-I can't see you in those same old sad shirts day after day.
We're going to Nashville.
This is adorable.
It's like early Dolly Parton.
Who's Dolly Parton? [GASPS.]
Again how dare you? Dolly Parton is iconic.
Oh, great! Now there's another one? Diana Ross is iconic.
Cher is iconic.
Now Dolly Parton is iconic? What's your point? All you ever do is talk about women.
Don't you know any men who are [IMITATES ROBERT.]
iconic? Good question.
[TAKES A DEEP BREATH.]
- Do I? - You never talk about men.
The only man that you ever talk about is the one who screwed you over.
I know one.
Bob Mackie.
Who's Bob Mackie? Okay, for the third time, how dare you? Bob Mackie is a genius costume designer.
[TAKES A DEEP BREATH.]
- Google him.
- You Google him.
I'm having a bagel and looking at Walter Geoffrey the Frenchie's Instagram.
- It's my morning routine.
- [WALTER HOWLS.]
Here.
[SIGHS.]
Bob Mackie was the entertainment industry in the '70s and '80s.
He designed for everyone, darling.
Everyone.
Here.
Take a look at this.
[AJ.]
I don't need to see some has-been's Google page.
He is not a has-been.
I'll prove it to you.
Bob Mackie current news.
Okay.
"Bob Mackie revisits Cher.
" No, not that one.
Okay, "Bob Mackie in the '80s.
" Not that one either.
"Bob Mackie Museum opens.
" What? There's a Bob Mackie museum? Oh, my God.
You'll never believe this.
What? It's iconic? No, it's in Tennessee, and where are we going? Tennessee.
Oh, my God.
It's all about Tennessee right now.
It's only six hours out of our way.
Six hours for a museum? [EXCLAIMS.]
That's stupid.
And y-you know how I always like to look on the bright side? Well, the bright side is six hours away, and I wanna look at it.
I-I mean, try to relate.
What if I told you there was a Walter Geoffrey the Frenchie museum? - What would you say to that? - I'd say, let's hit it.
Thank you.
Mount Juliet, here we come.
[DOGS BARKING.]
- [SWEENEY.]
Who is it? - It's Louis, from next door.
- Be good.
Who is it? - [DOGS CONTINUE BARKING.]
It's Louis, from next door.
- Who is it? - It's me, Louis, from next door.
Oh.
Oh, be quiet.
Be still.
- [BARKING STOPS.]
- Oh, good doggies.
- Who is it? - It's your neighbor, Louis! - Oh.
Do you have my Quaker Oats? - [LOUIS.]
Yes, ma'am, I do.
- And my cigarettes? - [LOUIS.]
Yes, ma'am.
Thank you.
- [DOGS CONTINUE BARKING.]
- Uh Uh, you forgot your groceries, - Mrs.
Sweeney.
- Who is it? Help me, Jesus.
It's still Louis from next door.
Who is it? I don't think your hearing aid is turned on, Mrs.
Sweeney.
- [CHUCKLES.]
You know, you're right.
- [HEARING AID CLICKS.]
- [SWEENEY.]
It was off, but it's on now.
- Well, here are your groceries.
And I'm trying to locate the woman with the little kid who lived up in 3A.
Her name was Brianna Douglas.
Oh, yes, the one who got evicted.
Her kid, y liked my dogs.
- Uh-huh.
- [SWEENEY.]
The mother was coming in at all hours of the night.
Wearing this low-cut top with a butterfly on it.
Was it all in sequins? Yes, with her ta-tas hanging out.
Do you know where she moved to? [CLICKS TONGUE.]
Yes.
The corner of Seventh and whore.
Oh - Um M-Mrs.
Sweeney.
- [DOGS BARKING.]
[SWEENEY.]
Who is it? Oh, no, ma'am, not today.
["WALK IT OFF" PLAYING.]
[AJ.]
You wouldn't even drive a mile out of the way when I wanted to go to that trampoline park.
[ROBERT.]
I don't care if it is ten hours out of the way and I have to crawl there.
Bob Mackie gives me life, and I need it.
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
What the hell is this? America.
Welcome to small-town USA.
[AJ.]
They have a pet store.
[ROBERT.]
Yeah, right next to an ice-cream parlor.
So far, everything's right on brand.
Oh, look, this nice young man is helping a little old lady across the street.
I thought that was a not-so-urban myth.
Okay, park.
I wanna go back there.
[ROBERT.]
Wait, hold on.
Uh, the GPS is saying the museum is right up here.
Do you see it? What will it look like? I'm guessing all gold with pink doors.
[ROBERT.]
Lower your expectations, Robert.
[PARKING BRAKE CLICKS.]
- It's a freakin' house.
- This is so not on-brand.
We drove six hours to see a freakin' house.
I can hear that you're upset.
Now imagine my pain.
I should have known something was fishy when nobody Yelped about this place.
Where are you going? I want to go back to the pet store in small-town USA.
You mean small scam USA.
I've come to far to get scammed again.
Wait here.
Yeah, right.
[SCOFFS.]
One more scam in a world that's apparently now just filled with scams.
A world where no one or nothing is what they they say they are.
Well, little one, there comes a time when you have to fight for a world without all this darkness and deceit.
You sound like you're in Star Wars.
- Never seen it.
- How dare you? Well, I have had it.
I don't know what kind of sick game this is, luring in unsuspecting Bob Mackie fans, but Good afternoon.
How can I help you? You have some nerve.
We came all the way Is that the dress Carol Channing wore in the 1974 Broadway production of Lorelei - based on - [BOTH.]
Gentlemen Prefer Blondes? - [BOTH GASP.]
- Yes, it is.
And did you know that she also originated the role of Lorelei Lee in 1949? Of course I did.
I'm not a Neanderthal.
[GASPS.]
- Is that the dress Diana Ross - Twenty dollars, please.
That's how much it costs to enter the museum.
You mean enter the house.
These dresses are collector's items.
I can't have you look at them for free.
[SIGHS.]
You know I can see over your head, right? I realize that now, yes.
But it's the principle.
These cost me a fortune.
That dress is the dress that Diana Ross wore in the finale of her [BOTH.]
1971 television special, Diana! Yes.
And you can't just stand here and look at it for free.
Twenty dollars.
How many more Mackies do you have in there? Oh, my God, that was a real Bob Mackie.
I can't believe everyone isn't Yelping about this place.
- Pet store.
- Here's our brochure.
"Fifteen classic Bob Mackie dresses placed throughout the halls of a venerable old Victorian.
" And how much for children? [CURATOR.]
Twenty dollars.
This isn't a museum for children.
You mean this isn't a house for children.
I see you're traveling.
We also have a combo bed-and-breakfast package.
For an additional $60, you get one night in the Mahogany Suite.
Mahogany as in the type of wood? Or [BOTH.]
the 1975 movie starring Diana Ross.
[GASPS.]
The walls are lined with original watercolors.
All Diana's iconic looks.
Oh, my God.
The walls are lined.
Jesus.
Can I talk to you in private? [CURATOR.]
Please don't look while I'm gone.
Sit down.
[SIGHS.]
So, what's your name? Lloyd Johnson, and please take your dirty boot off my nice toile cushion.
Look, Lloyd Johnson.
He really wants to go inside and stay at your house.
It's a museum and bed and breakfast.
[SIGHS.]
- But you gotta give me a better price.
- The price is the price.
No exceptions.
The man's broke, Lloyd Johnson.
His boyfriend just left him with nothing.
- AJ, stop.
- I got this.
Is it true? What is it a she said? Yes, I'm afraid it is.
Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
Museum admission is the same, but I'll do 25 for the Mahogany Suite.
This is on me.
Merry Christmas.
Wait, seriously.
Where are you getting all this money? I knocked over a claw machine back in Louisville.
Miss? Miss.
And the tour concludes here in the formal sitting room, with this flapper-themed dress Bob designed for Ann-Margret for a skit on The Carol Burnett Show.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, my God, I remember that like it was 40 years ago.
[CHUCKLES.]
You're delightful.
Would you like some iced tea? - How much? - AJ, don't be rude.
Lloyd is offering us some iced tea, he's not charging us for it.
Actually, it's three dollars a glass.
Oh, it's pricey, but let's go for it.
I haven't had any liquid since we shared a Big Gulp in Murfreesboro.
I'll go get it.
Be right back.
Please, don't touch anything while I'm gone.
Well, partner.
- It's no trampoline park.
- Well, it is for me.
[ROBERT LAUGHS.]
Where you going? To the other room.
I'm sick and tired of hearing you and Lloyd Johnson talk about fugle beads.
- They're bugle beads - They're boring beads! [AUTOMATED VOICE ON PHONE.]
Incoming call.
Robert.
Hello? Girl, you'll never guess where I am.
I don't know here you are, but I'm in heaven.
I'm at the Bob Mackie Museum.
- I still win.
- Want to order some takeout? - [GASPS.]
Ooh, love to.
- Okay.
[PATRICK.]
I'll get my phone.
It's in my pants.
- Are you walking around butt naked? - Yep.
Ah, times like this, I miss my eyes.
Did I just hear Officer Patrick? Yes, you did, girl.
[CHUCKLES.]
We're having a little Wednesday matinee.
So before act two starts, let me tell you something real important real quick.
What, more important than me at the Bob Mackie Museum? I find that hard to believe.
[LOUIS.]
I got the deets on the little kid's mother.
She's LGBT.
She's gay? No, she's that hooker we call LGBT.
Lady Glitter Butterfly Top.
Ever since that day you saw her in that sad sequin top.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, wow, shit.
That's AJ's mother? - [LOUIS.]
Mm-hmm.
- [SIGHS.]
The day you left I bumped into LGBT passed out on our stoop.
Sprawled there.
Totally out of it.
Smelling like four nights of funk.
[SIGHS HEAVILY.]
That sad, sweet, poor lost soul.
[QUIETLY.]
Who has sex in cars and shoots up.
Wow.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
AJ's better off with me.
What? Well, she is.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Now I get it.
Poor kid.
Robert, it sounds like you thinking of keeping her.
Don't be silly.
I'm not gonna keep her.
I'll keep her safe.
At least until I figure out what's best for her.
And what does that mean? I guess, take her to her grandfather in Texas? I told you this would happen.
Didn't I tell you? I ordered Chinese.
You want to eat in here or in the living room? D-Did Wait Wait.
In the living room? Louis, are y'all in my bed? Officer Patrick, are you and Louis in my bed? 'Cause if you are, y'all need to burn that mattress.
- Wow.
- She means it.
[WOMAN.]
Right.
Got everything? Can you open the gate? All right.
Thank you.
Okay, here.
Let's fix Honey, you look so beautiful.
All right.
[MOURNFUL PIANO MUSIC PLAYING.]
[CRYING.]
Mama! Mama! [LOUIS.]
Ow! What was that? Just some kid.
I'm blind, bitch! [AJ PANTING AND CRYING.]
[KEYS JANGLING.]
[PANTING.]
Mama! Mama! Mama! Mama! [CRYING.]
No.
No, no, no, no, no! [SOBS.]
No! No! [ROBERT.]
AJ.
AJ.
You okay? Why are you looking at me like that? Like what? [AJ.]
I don't know.
All weird or somethin'.
I didn't know how you take your tea, so I have sugar, Equal, or Stevia and Eydie Gormé.
[CURATOR LAUGHS.]
Good.
So many people don't get that joke.
I want ice cream.
I have Dove bars in the freezer.
- Five dollars.
- Not from here.
I'm gonna walk back to that ice cream place.
Y-You can't go alone.
I'll come with you.
She'll be fine.
It's only across the town square.
Shall we sit in the Ann-Margaret room and have our iced tea? Uh, is that real? [LLOYD.]
Yes, that's Duchess.
I know.
Some people think it's odd, but I just couldn't bring myself to put her in the ground.
- Are you a dog person, Robert? - I am.
Are you a dog person, Robert? Well, I did foster a little poodle once.
Put her in a cute little Bark Jacobs sweater, - but - [CHUCKLES.]
it was too hard.
I live in New York, and I'm on the road performing.
What kind of performer? I do drag.
[GASPS.]
That's exciting.
Come on, tell me all about it.
Be careful.
You be careful.
[ROBERT CHUCKLES.]
Don't touch Duchess or anything else.
Okay.
[SPITS.]
[SIGHS.]
Kathy Lee.
Don't just stand there.
Help me stack.
[WOMAN.]
You are Miss Lilac Little Lady.
I hate being a Lilac Lady.
I'm a feminist.
I do not know what has gotten into you lately, young lady, but you signed up to be a Mt.
Juliet Lilac Little Lady, and you are gonna sell this taffy.
- You signed me up.
- [HUSHES.]
That's enough now.
Now, I'm going over to the Cut & Curl to get my blowout, and when I get back, this taffy better be gone.
Come over here, put a smile on your face, and sell some taffy.
[SIGHS.]
[AJ GASPS.]
- [DOGS BARK.]
- [AJ.]
Hi, dogs.
Hey.
[KISSES.]
Well, hey there.
Looking like somebody got them a big ol' ice cream cone.
Yeah, how much for the black-and-white dog? Oh, the border collie? [CHUCKLES.]
- He's a beauty.
- Yeah.
How much? Two hundred.
- Two hundred? - Mm-hmm.
How about 35 bucks? - That's all I got.
- [CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
I've had a lot of expenses lately.
[LAUGHS.]
Two hundred.
And he's a very special dog.
Hold my cone for a second.
This is a $200 dog.
Can the dog in the window do this? [HOWLS LOUDLY.]
- Hm.
Didn't think so.
- [CLERK.]
Hm.
- [CLERK.]
Hm.
- Take the 35 bucks.
- Here's your cone.
- Come on.
He's better off with me.
I've seen what happens to dogs in this town.
It's two hundred.
[SQUAWKS.]
Hey.
I see you're not movin' any product.
- [SCOFFS.]
- I'll give you 35 dollars and the rest of this ice cream for your boxes and your uniform.
So, what do you say? [COUNTRY ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR STEREO.]
- [KATHY LEE GIGGLING.]
- [MUSIC FADES ABRUPTLY.]
- [BRAKES SCREECH.]
- Kathy Lee Anderson! [WOMAN.]
Oh, my! Where is your uniform? It was oppressive! You cannot be running around the town square half naked.
I've never felt more free! [SCOFFS.]
Get in this car and you stay there.
[KATHY LEE.]
I'm being triggered.
[SIGHS.]
She learns this, on her phone.
[SCOFFS.]
[BOTH.]
Mm-hmm.
- Snapchat.
- [KATHY LEE.]
Don't put me in a box, Mama! I'll tell you where I'm gonna put you.
You are gonna get grounded if I ever see you take your clothes off again.
- [WOMAN 1.]
Thank you.
- [WOMAN 2.]
Mm.
I'll take 'em both.
Going-out-of-business sale! Only two boxes of taffy left! We lost our lease! This is the last delicious batch.
Taffy, sir? - Uh, no, thanks.
I I'm a diabetic.
- Same.
But if you buy a box, we'll send it over to the troops.
You'll send my taffy to the troops? Yep.
Taffy for the troops.
Only ten dollars a box.
Uh Uh, that seems like a lot.
Yeah, well, the troops are all the way in, um you know? Afghanistan.
Uh, yeah, Afghanistan.
- Huh.
[SIGHS.]
- [CAR TIRES SCREECH.]
- Well, can you make change for a 20? - I I got change.
Stop.
That is our money.
These are my daughter's taffy boxes.
She sold them to me.
Check her pockets.
She doesn't have any pockets because you are wearing her uniform.
- Sir.
- Uh-huh? We're in the middle of a sale here.
Give me that hat.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Will you excuse me for a minute? Wednesday tends to be a big notary day.
Mm.
We've got a situation, Lloyd.
And this situation tells me she's stayin' here.
Oh, my.
This can't be good.
Robert.
- Oh, where did you get that uniform? - [MOTHER.]
She stole it.
And my daughter's taffy money.
[KATHY LEE.]
I'm finally happy! Kathy Lee, you get back in that house right this minute! And no more phone! - [KATHY LEE.]
You don't own me! - [SIGHS.]
Uh, Lloyd, why don't you step back inside? I'll handle this.
Fine, but please don't make a scene right in front of the museum.
House.
[SIGHS.]
- Hi, I'm Robert, and you are - I'm ticked off, that's what I am.
Explain.
I had to make $200 for a dog, which is another rip-off.
This whole town is a rip-off.
You don't need a dog.
You needed Bob Mackie, and I need a dog.
Give this woman her money back.
Her kid couldn't even sell one box.
[MOTHER SIGHS.]
I think I deserve an apology for myself and my daughter.
Proper young ladies don't act like criminals.
Didn't your mother teach you the difference between right and wrong? [ROBERT.]
May I speak to you? Over there.
I understand that you're upset, but you do not get to tell her what's proper for a little girl.
You have no idea what this child's been through.
She doesn't even have a mother to speak of.
So before you go telling other people what is or isn't proper, maybe you should ask yourself if the way you just spoke to a child is very proper for an adult woman.
I'll be needing that uniform back.
And tell Lloyd I expect it to be laundered.
[SIGHS.]
Kathy Lee, stop flossing in the window! And hopping! Seriously.
[ROBERT.]
After seeing everything I've been through, you're still scamming people? Well? - Say something.
- I have a mother.
You told that lady that I don't.
I do.
I know you do.
Louis and I just realized who she is.
We used to see her on the street in that butterfly top.
She was so messed up.
I mean, you told me she was an addict, but [SIGHS.]
I guess I kept trying to make the situation better than it really is.
Now I understand how much she wasn't there for you.
You don't understand shit.
- Where are you going? - To the RV.
You can stay up here in your stupid suite.
Why are you so upset? 'Cause all I wanted was to go to a trampoline park and maybe get a puppy.
But you used all my money, so you could come here and sparkle.
Are you mocking me? Because I feel mocked.
You know what? I'll reimburse you for the suite.
Oh, really? With what money? 'Cause all I hear is that you're sad and have no money.
Yeah, all I hear is, "Take me to Texas.
" - We need a time-out.
- Oh, yeah, we definitely need a time-out.
- [AJ.]
Good! - [ROBERT.]
Good.
[AJ.]
I don't know why you're still talking.
I'm already in time-out.
[SIGHS.]
[DAMIEN.]
Well, I checked his tour schedule.
He hasn't arrived at the club in Nashville yet.
So, where is he? I don't know.
Spa day? - [SIGHS.]
- Oh, your salad came.
Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay.
[GASPS.]
I said dressing on the side.
[WHINES.]
[GRUNTS.]
I said I [STAMMERS.]
You'd better just eat it.
You're totally hypoglycemic.
My daughter's like that.
If she doesn't eat, she'll bite your head off.
- [DAMIEN.]
Shut up about your damn daughter.
- See? I can't keep driving around on those donut tires.
Who knows what that alignment's doing to my axle? You want new tires? You know how to make some money.
Here, let me help you.
Siri, gay bars outside Nashville.
No! I'm done with all of that.
Just give me one of your bogus credit cards.
[AUTOMATED VOICE.]
Sorry, I didn't quite get that.
Siri, gay barsoutside Nashville.
Did you not hear me? I said, I'm done with all of that.
You want new tires? Or you want to stand there and keep making that "I'm not a hooker anymore" speech? I am not [SHOUTING.]
a hooker! [PANTING.]
Okay, calm down.
I realize now that maybe that comment went too far.
Why, you gonna shoot me? No, just reminding you who's in charge.
[LOCK BEEPS.]
[SLAMS LOUDLY.]
Wow.
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS.]
All I wanted to do was see some gorgeous dresses, and now we're in a time-out.
I think that was a wise idea.
Did you enjoy your pot pie? I mean, clearly this isn't about a trampoline park or a puppy.
She's upset about what I said about her mother, and I don't know why because she says worse things about her all the time.
I guess it's just that thing where "I can say it, but you can't.
" - I should just give her space.
- Agreed.
How about something a little decadent to finish off the meal? Thanks, but I had two toppings on a frozen yogurt the other day, so I'm good till next year.
I'm not talking about dessert.
I thought that maybe you'd like to wear one of the Bob Mackies.
Oh.
How much? No charge.
It would be cruel to tease me.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
I've never offered that to anyone, but as a professional yourself, you've shown such respect for the construction of these pieces.
And also I feel like you and I are kindred spirits, and those spirits could maybe use a little liftin' up.
[LAUGHS.]
Well which dress? I see you in the Diana Ross - in the entryway.
- [GASPS, CHUCKLES.]
[LAUGHS.]
I have the perfect hair.
Oh! [LAUGHS GLEEFULLY.]
[LLOYD CLAPS.]
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
Ohh! Ah.
["ENDLESS LOVE" PLAYING ON SPEAKERS.]
[LIONEL RICHIE.]
My love There's only you in my life The only thing that's bright [DIANA ROSS.]
My first love You're every breath that I take You're every step I make - [LIONEL RICHIE.]
And I - [DIANA ROSS.]
I [LIONEL RICHIE.]
I want to share [TOGETHER.]
All my love with you [LIONEL RICHIE.]
No one else will do - [DIANA ROSS.]
And your eyes - [LIONEL RICHIE.]
Your eyes, your eyes [TOGETHER.]
They tell me how much you care Oh, yes You will always be - My endless love - [DOG WHINING.]
[TOGETHER.]
Two hearts Two hearts that beat as one Our lives have just begun - Forever - Oh [TOGETHER.]
I'll hold you close in my arms I can't resist your charms And, love Oh, love [TOGETHER.]
I'll be a fool For you I'm sure - You know I don't mind - Oh, you know I don't mind [TOGETHER.]
'Cause you You mean the world to me - Oh - [DIANA ROSS.]
I know [LIONEL RICHIE.]
I know [TOGETHER.]
I found in you My endless love [GRUNTS.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
[BREATHING HEAVILY, SIGHS.]
[SINGERS, TOGETHER.]
Boom, boom Boom, boom, boom Boom, boom, boom Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom [TOGETHER.]
Oh, and love Oh, love [TOGETHER.]
I'll be that fool For you, I'm sure - You know I don't mind - [LIONEL RICHIE.]
Oh - You know I don't mind - And I don't mind [TOGETHER.]
And, yes You'll be the only one 'Cause no one can deny This love I have inside - And I'll give it - What? - All to you - [RECORD STOPS.]
[GASPS.]
Is something wrong? We were having a perfectly lovely Diana and Lionel fantasy, a fantasy that I very much needed.
Next thing I know, you all grindin' up into my back, and Miss Ross doesn't allow that.
I'm sorry.
I I just get so lonely, and [SIGHS.]
I thought you and I were feeling something.
Well, you were wrong.
I felt nothing.
Nothing.
[SIGHS.]
I think I will just sleep in my own bed tonight.
[SIGHS.]
The Diana fantasy is definitely over.
And my little friend will want a full refund for the room.
Oh.
The museum doesn't give refunds.
You mean the house doesn't.
- [SIGHS.]
- I'll just remove this face and go.
Please leave the dress where you found it, and careful with the zipper.
You're much bigger than Diana.
Taller, not bigger.
[ROBERT, WHISPERING.]
Hey.
It's me.
I have to open up my bed.
I'll try and be quiet.
Sorry about today on the porch.
[SIGHS.]
I never meant to upset you about your mother.
That was insensitive of me.
AJ? [DRAMATIC INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING.]
Hey.
What you doin' out here? Oh [MUTTERS.]
just looking.
Guess her mother's not mad at her anymore.
Is that what you see? [AJ.]
Yeah.
Why? What do you see? I see a daughter who's pretending she likes having her hair brushed to make the mother happy.
And I see a father drinking at the end of the table because he knows the mother won't ever be happy.
Because their perfect little daughter is most likely a lesbian.
[CHUCKLES.]
Totes.
But I don't think we have to worry about Little Miss Underpants-In-Public Kathy Lee there.
She'll find her way out of that mess.
And so will you.
You've had a rough start, AJ.
There is no denying that.
But when I look at you, you know what I see? I see someone with a fantastic finish.
You know the reason I love Dolly and Cher and Diana? They all came from nothing, just like you.
And they made something amazing of themselves.
And like them I'll be iconic? [CHUCKLING.]
Well, I was gonna say just fine, but iconic? Sure.
But you're gonna need a little more sequins.
[AJ CHUCKLES.]
Hey.
Shouldn't you be inside? I paid good claw money for that stupid room.
Didn't work out.
And no refunds.
[SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
So, what? You weren't feeling the sparkle? Only thing I was feeling was Lloyd's hand on my bottom.
See, told ya.
You know, I always make a point of trying to see the pretty in life, in spite of the pain.
[SIGHS.]
There I was in Diana Ross's pretty, pretty dress, and all I could feel was sad and alone.
Of course, "Endless Love" didn't help.
[AJ.]
Well, maybe you'll feel the pretty in the other dress.
What other dress? - [LAUGHS.]
- [ROBERT GASPS.]
AJ.
- Where did you get this? - [AJ.]
Found it in the downstairs hallway.
Took a left at the dead dog.
AJ, this is not just a scam now.
- You robbed a museum.
- I robbed a house.
A museum would have alarms and crap.
Just I wanted to get you some sparkle for taking me along.
[SIGHS.]
Well, thank you.
And thank you for paying for the room.
[CHUCKLES.]
And I love this.
I would look fabulous in it.
But I I can't keep this.
Can I? He's here.
Yes, that's right.
[SIGHS.]
I didn't think it could get more awkward between us but I guess it could.
Hand me the Juliet Prowse from her 1975 television special [BOTH.]
Romance and Juliet.
Don't let her touch the ground.
[SCOFFS.]
- Wait, Lloyd.
- [RV DOOR CLOSES.]
[ROBERT.]
I owe you an apology.
Uh, when I told you I felt nothing, I let you think it was about you.
Wasn't true.
- So you do feel something towards me? - No.
Sorry.
God, this just keeps getting more and more uncomfortable.
What I meant was I felt nothing because I am so devastated by my breakup.
It really had nothing to do with you.
Well, thank you for saying that.
And thank you for stopping at the museum.
I've only had 16 visitors since I opened two years ago.
[SIGHS.]
I guess people don't really care about Bob Mackie in Tennessee.
How dare they? Hm.
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
[IN SOUTHERN ACCENT.]
Morning, y'all! Get up! - We gotta get to Nashville.
- [LAUGHS.]
I'm wearing it.
Are you happy? Never been more happy.
[LAUGHS.]
[IMITATES GUITAR STRUMMING.]
Whoo-hoo! [CONTINUES IMITATING GUITAR.]
- [COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING.]
- [BOTH LAUGHING.]
[AJ.]
I still thought that shirt was stupid, but I wore it for him 'cause he's had it pretty rough lately.
No denying it.
["I'M ON MY WAY" PLAYING.]
I got caught in the rain I thought the sky was fallin' down I couldn't weather the pain But I kept my faith, I stood my ground From the pain of the past Gonna be free at last Doesn't matter what they say Sparkles in my eyes Like a phoenix arise I'll be happy, free, and gay I'm on my way Nothing can stop me now No one can bring me down I'm on my way Just let me show you how My senses guide me now I'm on my way Nothing can stop me now No one can bring me down [ECHOING.]
I'm on my way [TWINKLING CHIMES.]
[AUDIENCE CLAPPING TO RHYTHM.]
[DRAMATIC PIANO MUSIC PLAYING.]
[AJ.]
Look at him.
Trying so hard.
Those teeth are practically jumping out of his mouth.
You have to be pretty desperate to try that hard.
And it's not just tonight.
He's been doing this pretty much every night for years.
Well, I guess all that sweat and trying leads to a night like this.
- ["RUBY IS RED HOT" PLAYING.]
- Who got what I got? Nobody, nobody [SQUEALS.]
So good! So good! Whoo! [LAUGHS.]
Thank you, Bardstown.
- [AJ.]
I figured out a long time ago - [LAUGHS.]
that life sucks.
I guess it takes other people longer to figure that out.
[PANTING.]
Ah, okay.
Three dollars.
It's a start.
You know tipping really isn't about the money.
[CHUCKLES.]
It's about connecting.
Creating a relationship between the audience and performer.
Especially when the performer has given everything to the audience.
Sorry.
[QUIETLY.]
It's just my cat has heartworms and I need the money for her medications.
You're so good.
So good.
Jesus Christ.
That's it, I'm calling it.
Here's a 20.
Show's over, people.
Go back home.
We better get out of here before you get mobbed by your fan.
Okay, well, it wasn't my best crowd.
Wasn't my worst either.
Wait, it gets worse? Well, it all depends on how you look at life, AJ.
Yeah, I'm in the liquor room, but I see the champagne.
[RAT SQUEAKS.]
Yeah, well, I see a rat.
Okay, well, that's showbiz, kiddo.
They can't all be Diana Ross at the Felt Forum.
Who's Diana Ross? - [BOTTLES CLINK.]
- [GASPS.]
[RAT SQUEAKS.]
[QUIETLY.]
How dare you? [ROBERT.]
1981.
The roof of the Felt Forum.
And there it is, spelled out in giant letters: "Diana.
" D-I-A-N-A.
She's there with this white skintight catsuit on.
She's all skinny and gorgeous with these gold butterfly wings.
Yes, you heard me, big gold butterfly wings.
And the camera is in a helicopter.
Uh-huh.
And it pulls back, and you get a view of Diana Ross, and she's just spinning.
She's just spinning with these wings on, looking gorgeous.
It is s-so iconic.
So iconic.
[TAKES A DEEP BREATH.]
Diana Ross.
You're tired.
I'm sorry.
No more talking.
I just get so wired after a show, it's hard for me to fall asleep.
You know, I I'll just watch some old Oprahs.
No! That's even worse.
Isn't there anything else that you do to help you fall asleep after a show? ["LEVEL UP" PLAYING.]
Five, four - Three, two, one - Leggo! Watch me! - Level up, level up - [BOTH MOANING.]
Oh, yeah.
Come here.
Level up, level up Level up, level up, level up - All this on me - Oh.
- So Brando in Streetcar.
- [BOTH PANTING.]
- You're an animal.
- [BOTH GROWL.]
- [DAMIEN.]
Let's go.
- [DOOR SLAMS LOUDLY.]
Uh I mostly just watch old Oprahs.
[STEAM HISSES.]
What is that smell? Breakfast.
I'm done with the fast food.
I need to start eatin' healthy again.
And you think chicken with a side of spray starch is healthy? Yeah, it's better than eating that crap I got you.
[GRUNTS.]
They should rename that thing the Egg McMuffin-top.
According to the scale, I've gained two pounds from eatin' those.
No, that scale's way off.
Mm! Good, my new purse came in.
You said he'd call.
No call.
No contact at all.
We're just followin' him from gay club to gay club, and I'm gettin' fat.
Don't worry.
He'll call.
Right now, he's thinking he's done with you.
He's just a lonely, middle-aged, broke-ass drag queen who'll soon be desperate for any love or money he can get from you.
And stop stressing.
You look amazing.
[STEAM HISSES.]
I do? Show me.
[DAMIEN GRUNTS.]
Hot.
Thank you.
You don't have to thank me.
It's true.
You were the hottest one I ever worked with.
"Were"? Are.
Hey, you just keep your eye on the prize.
Just like I did with Miss Hawaii.
It took me years of competing to get that title.
Everyone said it was never gonna happen.
That I was born on the wrong side of the volcano.
- [HAWAIIAN MUSIC PLAYING.]
- But I did it.
I went all the way to Miss America.
Did you win? No.
Ethnic faces weren't trending back then.
That and the naked pictures that they found.
Hey, you'd better make sure that thing's cooked all the way through.
- You don't what trichinosis or whatever.
- [DAMIEN.]
It's fine.
I have the iron set on cotton.
["WALK IT OFF" PLAYING.]
Uh [ROBERT.]
Thank you.
Have a nice day.
Morning! [AJ.]
'Sup? I got up early and went into town.
Didn't want to wake you.
Yeah, well, next time, don't be so loud putting your bed away.
Note taken.
Okay, I got us some essentials.
Dental floss, mouthwash a little Western-wear shirt for you.
Do you hear me? Yeah.
Did you hear you? [SIGHS.]
I mean, look at this cute little sequin bird detail.
Wouldn't it be nice to have a little sparkle in your life? Nope.
That shirt's stupid.
[ROBERT.]
It is not.
I-I can't see you in those same old sad shirts day after day.
We're going to Nashville.
This is adorable.
It's like early Dolly Parton.
Who's Dolly Parton? [GASPS.]
Again how dare you? Dolly Parton is iconic.
Oh, great! Now there's another one? Diana Ross is iconic.
Cher is iconic.
Now Dolly Parton is iconic? What's your point? All you ever do is talk about women.
Don't you know any men who are [IMITATES ROBERT.]
iconic? Good question.
[TAKES A DEEP BREATH.]
- Do I? - You never talk about men.
The only man that you ever talk about is the one who screwed you over.
I know one.
Bob Mackie.
Who's Bob Mackie? Okay, for the third time, how dare you? Bob Mackie is a genius costume designer.
[TAKES A DEEP BREATH.]
- Google him.
- You Google him.
I'm having a bagel and looking at Walter Geoffrey the Frenchie's Instagram.
- It's my morning routine.
- [WALTER HOWLS.]
Here.
[SIGHS.]
Bob Mackie was the entertainment industry in the '70s and '80s.
He designed for everyone, darling.
Everyone.
Here.
Take a look at this.
[AJ.]
I don't need to see some has-been's Google page.
He is not a has-been.
I'll prove it to you.
Bob Mackie current news.
Okay.
"Bob Mackie revisits Cher.
" No, not that one.
Okay, "Bob Mackie in the '80s.
" Not that one either.
"Bob Mackie Museum opens.
" What? There's a Bob Mackie museum? Oh, my God.
You'll never believe this.
What? It's iconic? No, it's in Tennessee, and where are we going? Tennessee.
Oh, my God.
It's all about Tennessee right now.
It's only six hours out of our way.
Six hours for a museum? [EXCLAIMS.]
That's stupid.
And y-you know how I always like to look on the bright side? Well, the bright side is six hours away, and I wanna look at it.
I-I mean, try to relate.
What if I told you there was a Walter Geoffrey the Frenchie museum? - What would you say to that? - I'd say, let's hit it.
Thank you.
Mount Juliet, here we come.
[DOGS BARKING.]
- [SWEENEY.]
Who is it? - It's Louis, from next door.
- Be good.
Who is it? - [DOGS CONTINUE BARKING.]
It's Louis, from next door.
- Who is it? - It's me, Louis, from next door.
Oh.
Oh, be quiet.
Be still.
- [BARKING STOPS.]
- Oh, good doggies.
- Who is it? - It's your neighbor, Louis! - Oh.
Do you have my Quaker Oats? - [LOUIS.]
Yes, ma'am, I do.
- And my cigarettes? - [LOUIS.]
Yes, ma'am.
Thank you.
- [DOGS CONTINUE BARKING.]
- Uh Uh, you forgot your groceries, - Mrs.
Sweeney.
- Who is it? Help me, Jesus.
It's still Louis from next door.
Who is it? I don't think your hearing aid is turned on, Mrs.
Sweeney.
- [CHUCKLES.]
You know, you're right.
- [HEARING AID CLICKS.]
- [SWEENEY.]
It was off, but it's on now.
- Well, here are your groceries.
And I'm trying to locate the woman with the little kid who lived up in 3A.
Her name was Brianna Douglas.
Oh, yes, the one who got evicted.
Her kid, y liked my dogs.
- Uh-huh.
- [SWEENEY.]
The mother was coming in at all hours of the night.
Wearing this low-cut top with a butterfly on it.
Was it all in sequins? Yes, with her ta-tas hanging out.
Do you know where she moved to? [CLICKS TONGUE.]
Yes.
The corner of Seventh and whore.
Oh - Um M-Mrs.
Sweeney.
- [DOGS BARKING.]
[SWEENEY.]
Who is it? Oh, no, ma'am, not today.
["WALK IT OFF" PLAYING.]
[AJ.]
You wouldn't even drive a mile out of the way when I wanted to go to that trampoline park.
[ROBERT.]
I don't care if it is ten hours out of the way and I have to crawl there.
Bob Mackie gives me life, and I need it.
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
What the hell is this? America.
Welcome to small-town USA.
[AJ.]
They have a pet store.
[ROBERT.]
Yeah, right next to an ice-cream parlor.
So far, everything's right on brand.
Oh, look, this nice young man is helping a little old lady across the street.
I thought that was a not-so-urban myth.
Okay, park.
I wanna go back there.
[ROBERT.]
Wait, hold on.
Uh, the GPS is saying the museum is right up here.
Do you see it? What will it look like? I'm guessing all gold with pink doors.
[ROBERT.]
Lower your expectations, Robert.
[PARKING BRAKE CLICKS.]
- It's a freakin' house.
- This is so not on-brand.
We drove six hours to see a freakin' house.
I can hear that you're upset.
Now imagine my pain.
I should have known something was fishy when nobody Yelped about this place.
Where are you going? I want to go back to the pet store in small-town USA.
You mean small scam USA.
I've come to far to get scammed again.
Wait here.
Yeah, right.
[SCOFFS.]
One more scam in a world that's apparently now just filled with scams.
A world where no one or nothing is what they they say they are.
Well, little one, there comes a time when you have to fight for a world without all this darkness and deceit.
You sound like you're in Star Wars.
- Never seen it.
- How dare you? Well, I have had it.
I don't know what kind of sick game this is, luring in unsuspecting Bob Mackie fans, but Good afternoon.
How can I help you? You have some nerve.
We came all the way Is that the dress Carol Channing wore in the 1974 Broadway production of Lorelei - based on - [BOTH.]
Gentlemen Prefer Blondes? - [BOTH GASP.]
- Yes, it is.
And did you know that she also originated the role of Lorelei Lee in 1949? Of course I did.
I'm not a Neanderthal.
[GASPS.]
- Is that the dress Diana Ross - Twenty dollars, please.
That's how much it costs to enter the museum.
You mean enter the house.
These dresses are collector's items.
I can't have you look at them for free.
[SIGHS.]
You know I can see over your head, right? I realize that now, yes.
But it's the principle.
These cost me a fortune.
That dress is the dress that Diana Ross wore in the finale of her [BOTH.]
1971 television special, Diana! Yes.
And you can't just stand here and look at it for free.
Twenty dollars.
How many more Mackies do you have in there? Oh, my God, that was a real Bob Mackie.
I can't believe everyone isn't Yelping about this place.
- Pet store.
- Here's our brochure.
"Fifteen classic Bob Mackie dresses placed throughout the halls of a venerable old Victorian.
" And how much for children? [CURATOR.]
Twenty dollars.
This isn't a museum for children.
You mean this isn't a house for children.
I see you're traveling.
We also have a combo bed-and-breakfast package.
For an additional $60, you get one night in the Mahogany Suite.
Mahogany as in the type of wood? Or [BOTH.]
the 1975 movie starring Diana Ross.
[GASPS.]
The walls are lined with original watercolors.
All Diana's iconic looks.
Oh, my God.
The walls are lined.
Jesus.
Can I talk to you in private? [CURATOR.]
Please don't look while I'm gone.
Sit down.
[SIGHS.]
So, what's your name? Lloyd Johnson, and please take your dirty boot off my nice toile cushion.
Look, Lloyd Johnson.
He really wants to go inside and stay at your house.
It's a museum and bed and breakfast.
[SIGHS.]
- But you gotta give me a better price.
- The price is the price.
No exceptions.
The man's broke, Lloyd Johnson.
His boyfriend just left him with nothing.
- AJ, stop.
- I got this.
Is it true? What is it a she said? Yes, I'm afraid it is.
Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
Museum admission is the same, but I'll do 25 for the Mahogany Suite.
This is on me.
Merry Christmas.
Wait, seriously.
Where are you getting all this money? I knocked over a claw machine back in Louisville.
Miss? Miss.
And the tour concludes here in the formal sitting room, with this flapper-themed dress Bob designed for Ann-Margret for a skit on The Carol Burnett Show.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, my God, I remember that like it was 40 years ago.
[CHUCKLES.]
You're delightful.
Would you like some iced tea? - How much? - AJ, don't be rude.
Lloyd is offering us some iced tea, he's not charging us for it.
Actually, it's three dollars a glass.
Oh, it's pricey, but let's go for it.
I haven't had any liquid since we shared a Big Gulp in Murfreesboro.
I'll go get it.
Be right back.
Please, don't touch anything while I'm gone.
Well, partner.
- It's no trampoline park.
- Well, it is for me.
[ROBERT LAUGHS.]
Where you going? To the other room.
I'm sick and tired of hearing you and Lloyd Johnson talk about fugle beads.
- They're bugle beads - They're boring beads! [AUTOMATED VOICE ON PHONE.]
Incoming call.
Robert.
Hello? Girl, you'll never guess where I am.
I don't know here you are, but I'm in heaven.
I'm at the Bob Mackie Museum.
- I still win.
- Want to order some takeout? - [GASPS.]
Ooh, love to.
- Okay.
[PATRICK.]
I'll get my phone.
It's in my pants.
- Are you walking around butt naked? - Yep.
Ah, times like this, I miss my eyes.
Did I just hear Officer Patrick? Yes, you did, girl.
[CHUCKLES.]
We're having a little Wednesday matinee.
So before act two starts, let me tell you something real important real quick.
What, more important than me at the Bob Mackie Museum? I find that hard to believe.
[LOUIS.]
I got the deets on the little kid's mother.
She's LGBT.
She's gay? No, she's that hooker we call LGBT.
Lady Glitter Butterfly Top.
Ever since that day you saw her in that sad sequin top.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, wow, shit.
That's AJ's mother? - [LOUIS.]
Mm-hmm.
- [SIGHS.]
The day you left I bumped into LGBT passed out on our stoop.
Sprawled there.
Totally out of it.
Smelling like four nights of funk.
[SIGHS HEAVILY.]
That sad, sweet, poor lost soul.
[QUIETLY.]
Who has sex in cars and shoots up.
Wow.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
AJ's better off with me.
What? Well, she is.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Now I get it.
Poor kid.
Robert, it sounds like you thinking of keeping her.
Don't be silly.
I'm not gonna keep her.
I'll keep her safe.
At least until I figure out what's best for her.
And what does that mean? I guess, take her to her grandfather in Texas? I told you this would happen.
Didn't I tell you? I ordered Chinese.
You want to eat in here or in the living room? D-Did Wait Wait.
In the living room? Louis, are y'all in my bed? Officer Patrick, are you and Louis in my bed? 'Cause if you are, y'all need to burn that mattress.
- Wow.
- She means it.
[WOMAN.]
Right.
Got everything? Can you open the gate? All right.
Thank you.
Okay, here.
Let's fix Honey, you look so beautiful.
All right.
[MOURNFUL PIANO MUSIC PLAYING.]
[CRYING.]
Mama! Mama! [LOUIS.]
Ow! What was that? Just some kid.
I'm blind, bitch! [AJ PANTING AND CRYING.]
[KEYS JANGLING.]
[PANTING.]
Mama! Mama! Mama! Mama! [CRYING.]
No.
No, no, no, no, no! [SOBS.]
No! No! [ROBERT.]
AJ.
AJ.
You okay? Why are you looking at me like that? Like what? [AJ.]
I don't know.
All weird or somethin'.
I didn't know how you take your tea, so I have sugar, Equal, or Stevia and Eydie Gormé.
[CURATOR LAUGHS.]
Good.
So many people don't get that joke.
I want ice cream.
I have Dove bars in the freezer.
- Five dollars.
- Not from here.
I'm gonna walk back to that ice cream place.
Y-You can't go alone.
I'll come with you.
She'll be fine.
It's only across the town square.
Shall we sit in the Ann-Margaret room and have our iced tea? Uh, is that real? [LLOYD.]
Yes, that's Duchess.
I know.
Some people think it's odd, but I just couldn't bring myself to put her in the ground.
- Are you a dog person, Robert? - I am.
Are you a dog person, Robert? Well, I did foster a little poodle once.
Put her in a cute little Bark Jacobs sweater, - but - [CHUCKLES.]
it was too hard.
I live in New York, and I'm on the road performing.
What kind of performer? I do drag.
[GASPS.]
That's exciting.
Come on, tell me all about it.
Be careful.
You be careful.
[ROBERT CHUCKLES.]
Don't touch Duchess or anything else.
Okay.
[SPITS.]
[SIGHS.]
Kathy Lee.
Don't just stand there.
Help me stack.
[WOMAN.]
You are Miss Lilac Little Lady.
I hate being a Lilac Lady.
I'm a feminist.
I do not know what has gotten into you lately, young lady, but you signed up to be a Mt.
Juliet Lilac Little Lady, and you are gonna sell this taffy.
- You signed me up.
- [HUSHES.]
That's enough now.
Now, I'm going over to the Cut & Curl to get my blowout, and when I get back, this taffy better be gone.
Come over here, put a smile on your face, and sell some taffy.
[SIGHS.]
[AJ GASPS.]
- [DOGS BARK.]
- [AJ.]
Hi, dogs.
Hey.
[KISSES.]
Well, hey there.
Looking like somebody got them a big ol' ice cream cone.
Yeah, how much for the black-and-white dog? Oh, the border collie? [CHUCKLES.]
- He's a beauty.
- Yeah.
How much? Two hundred.
- Two hundred? - Mm-hmm.
How about 35 bucks? - That's all I got.
- [CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
I've had a lot of expenses lately.
[LAUGHS.]
Two hundred.
And he's a very special dog.
Hold my cone for a second.
This is a $200 dog.
Can the dog in the window do this? [HOWLS LOUDLY.]
- Hm.
Didn't think so.
- [CLERK.]
Hm.
- [CLERK.]
Hm.
- Take the 35 bucks.
- Here's your cone.
- Come on.
He's better off with me.
I've seen what happens to dogs in this town.
It's two hundred.
[SQUAWKS.]
Hey.
I see you're not movin' any product.
- [SCOFFS.]
- I'll give you 35 dollars and the rest of this ice cream for your boxes and your uniform.
So, what do you say? [COUNTRY ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR STEREO.]
- [KATHY LEE GIGGLING.]
- [MUSIC FADES ABRUPTLY.]
- [BRAKES SCREECH.]
- Kathy Lee Anderson! [WOMAN.]
Oh, my! Where is your uniform? It was oppressive! You cannot be running around the town square half naked.
I've never felt more free! [SCOFFS.]
Get in this car and you stay there.
[KATHY LEE.]
I'm being triggered.
[SIGHS.]
She learns this, on her phone.
[SCOFFS.]
[BOTH.]
Mm-hmm.
- Snapchat.
- [KATHY LEE.]
Don't put me in a box, Mama! I'll tell you where I'm gonna put you.
You are gonna get grounded if I ever see you take your clothes off again.
- [WOMAN 1.]
Thank you.
- [WOMAN 2.]
Mm.
I'll take 'em both.
Going-out-of-business sale! Only two boxes of taffy left! We lost our lease! This is the last delicious batch.
Taffy, sir? - Uh, no, thanks.
I I'm a diabetic.
- Same.
But if you buy a box, we'll send it over to the troops.
You'll send my taffy to the troops? Yep.
Taffy for the troops.
Only ten dollars a box.
Uh Uh, that seems like a lot.
Yeah, well, the troops are all the way in, um you know? Afghanistan.
Uh, yeah, Afghanistan.
- Huh.
[SIGHS.]
- [CAR TIRES SCREECH.]
- Well, can you make change for a 20? - I I got change.
Stop.
That is our money.
These are my daughter's taffy boxes.
She sold them to me.
Check her pockets.
She doesn't have any pockets because you are wearing her uniform.
- Sir.
- Uh-huh? We're in the middle of a sale here.
Give me that hat.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Will you excuse me for a minute? Wednesday tends to be a big notary day.
Mm.
We've got a situation, Lloyd.
And this situation tells me she's stayin' here.
Oh, my.
This can't be good.
Robert.
- Oh, where did you get that uniform? - [MOTHER.]
She stole it.
And my daughter's taffy money.
[KATHY LEE.]
I'm finally happy! Kathy Lee, you get back in that house right this minute! And no more phone! - [KATHY LEE.]
You don't own me! - [SIGHS.]
Uh, Lloyd, why don't you step back inside? I'll handle this.
Fine, but please don't make a scene right in front of the museum.
House.
[SIGHS.]
- Hi, I'm Robert, and you are - I'm ticked off, that's what I am.
Explain.
I had to make $200 for a dog, which is another rip-off.
This whole town is a rip-off.
You don't need a dog.
You needed Bob Mackie, and I need a dog.
Give this woman her money back.
Her kid couldn't even sell one box.
[MOTHER SIGHS.]
I think I deserve an apology for myself and my daughter.
Proper young ladies don't act like criminals.
Didn't your mother teach you the difference between right and wrong? [ROBERT.]
May I speak to you? Over there.
I understand that you're upset, but you do not get to tell her what's proper for a little girl.
You have no idea what this child's been through.
She doesn't even have a mother to speak of.
So before you go telling other people what is or isn't proper, maybe you should ask yourself if the way you just spoke to a child is very proper for an adult woman.
I'll be needing that uniform back.
And tell Lloyd I expect it to be laundered.
[SIGHS.]
Kathy Lee, stop flossing in the window! And hopping! Seriously.
[ROBERT.]
After seeing everything I've been through, you're still scamming people? Well? - Say something.
- I have a mother.
You told that lady that I don't.
I do.
I know you do.
Louis and I just realized who she is.
We used to see her on the street in that butterfly top.
She was so messed up.
I mean, you told me she was an addict, but [SIGHS.]
I guess I kept trying to make the situation better than it really is.
Now I understand how much she wasn't there for you.
You don't understand shit.
- Where are you going? - To the RV.
You can stay up here in your stupid suite.
Why are you so upset? 'Cause all I wanted was to go to a trampoline park and maybe get a puppy.
But you used all my money, so you could come here and sparkle.
Are you mocking me? Because I feel mocked.
You know what? I'll reimburse you for the suite.
Oh, really? With what money? 'Cause all I hear is that you're sad and have no money.
Yeah, all I hear is, "Take me to Texas.
" - We need a time-out.
- Oh, yeah, we definitely need a time-out.
- [AJ.]
Good! - [ROBERT.]
Good.
[AJ.]
I don't know why you're still talking.
I'm already in time-out.
[SIGHS.]
[DAMIEN.]
Well, I checked his tour schedule.
He hasn't arrived at the club in Nashville yet.
So, where is he? I don't know.
Spa day? - [SIGHS.]
- Oh, your salad came.
Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay.
[GASPS.]
I said dressing on the side.
[WHINES.]
[GRUNTS.]
I said I [STAMMERS.]
You'd better just eat it.
You're totally hypoglycemic.
My daughter's like that.
If she doesn't eat, she'll bite your head off.
- [DAMIEN.]
Shut up about your damn daughter.
- See? I can't keep driving around on those donut tires.
Who knows what that alignment's doing to my axle? You want new tires? You know how to make some money.
Here, let me help you.
Siri, gay bars outside Nashville.
No! I'm done with all of that.
Just give me one of your bogus credit cards.
[AUTOMATED VOICE.]
Sorry, I didn't quite get that.
Siri, gay barsoutside Nashville.
Did you not hear me? I said, I'm done with all of that.
You want new tires? Or you want to stand there and keep making that "I'm not a hooker anymore" speech? I am not [SHOUTING.]
a hooker! [PANTING.]
Okay, calm down.
I realize now that maybe that comment went too far.
Why, you gonna shoot me? No, just reminding you who's in charge.
[LOCK BEEPS.]
[SLAMS LOUDLY.]
Wow.
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS.]
All I wanted to do was see some gorgeous dresses, and now we're in a time-out.
I think that was a wise idea.
Did you enjoy your pot pie? I mean, clearly this isn't about a trampoline park or a puppy.
She's upset about what I said about her mother, and I don't know why because she says worse things about her all the time.
I guess it's just that thing where "I can say it, but you can't.
" - I should just give her space.
- Agreed.
How about something a little decadent to finish off the meal? Thanks, but I had two toppings on a frozen yogurt the other day, so I'm good till next year.
I'm not talking about dessert.
I thought that maybe you'd like to wear one of the Bob Mackies.
Oh.
How much? No charge.
It would be cruel to tease me.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
I've never offered that to anyone, but as a professional yourself, you've shown such respect for the construction of these pieces.
And also I feel like you and I are kindred spirits, and those spirits could maybe use a little liftin' up.
[LAUGHS.]
Well which dress? I see you in the Diana Ross - in the entryway.
- [GASPS, CHUCKLES.]
[LAUGHS.]
I have the perfect hair.
Oh! [LAUGHS GLEEFULLY.]
[LLOYD CLAPS.]
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
Ohh! Ah.
["ENDLESS LOVE" PLAYING ON SPEAKERS.]
[LIONEL RICHIE.]
My love There's only you in my life The only thing that's bright [DIANA ROSS.]
My first love You're every breath that I take You're every step I make - [LIONEL RICHIE.]
And I - [DIANA ROSS.]
I [LIONEL RICHIE.]
I want to share [TOGETHER.]
All my love with you [LIONEL RICHIE.]
No one else will do - [DIANA ROSS.]
And your eyes - [LIONEL RICHIE.]
Your eyes, your eyes [TOGETHER.]
They tell me how much you care Oh, yes You will always be - My endless love - [DOG WHINING.]
[TOGETHER.]
Two hearts Two hearts that beat as one Our lives have just begun - Forever - Oh [TOGETHER.]
I'll hold you close in my arms I can't resist your charms And, love Oh, love [TOGETHER.]
I'll be a fool For you I'm sure - You know I don't mind - Oh, you know I don't mind [TOGETHER.]
'Cause you You mean the world to me - Oh - [DIANA ROSS.]
I know [LIONEL RICHIE.]
I know [TOGETHER.]
I found in you My endless love [GRUNTS.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
[BREATHING HEAVILY, SIGHS.]
[SINGERS, TOGETHER.]
Boom, boom Boom, boom, boom Boom, boom, boom Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom [TOGETHER.]
Oh, and love Oh, love [TOGETHER.]
I'll be that fool For you, I'm sure - You know I don't mind - [LIONEL RICHIE.]
Oh - You know I don't mind - And I don't mind [TOGETHER.]
And, yes You'll be the only one 'Cause no one can deny This love I have inside - And I'll give it - What? - All to you - [RECORD STOPS.]
[GASPS.]
Is something wrong? We were having a perfectly lovely Diana and Lionel fantasy, a fantasy that I very much needed.
Next thing I know, you all grindin' up into my back, and Miss Ross doesn't allow that.
I'm sorry.
I I just get so lonely, and [SIGHS.]
I thought you and I were feeling something.
Well, you were wrong.
I felt nothing.
Nothing.
[SIGHS.]
I think I will just sleep in my own bed tonight.
[SIGHS.]
The Diana fantasy is definitely over.
And my little friend will want a full refund for the room.
Oh.
The museum doesn't give refunds.
You mean the house doesn't.
- [SIGHS.]
- I'll just remove this face and go.
Please leave the dress where you found it, and careful with the zipper.
You're much bigger than Diana.
Taller, not bigger.
[ROBERT, WHISPERING.]
Hey.
It's me.
I have to open up my bed.
I'll try and be quiet.
Sorry about today on the porch.
[SIGHS.]
I never meant to upset you about your mother.
That was insensitive of me.
AJ? [DRAMATIC INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING.]
Hey.
What you doin' out here? Oh [MUTTERS.]
just looking.
Guess her mother's not mad at her anymore.
Is that what you see? [AJ.]
Yeah.
Why? What do you see? I see a daughter who's pretending she likes having her hair brushed to make the mother happy.
And I see a father drinking at the end of the table because he knows the mother won't ever be happy.
Because their perfect little daughter is most likely a lesbian.
[CHUCKLES.]
Totes.
But I don't think we have to worry about Little Miss Underpants-In-Public Kathy Lee there.
She'll find her way out of that mess.
And so will you.
You've had a rough start, AJ.
There is no denying that.
But when I look at you, you know what I see? I see someone with a fantastic finish.
You know the reason I love Dolly and Cher and Diana? They all came from nothing, just like you.
And they made something amazing of themselves.
And like them I'll be iconic? [CHUCKLING.]
Well, I was gonna say just fine, but iconic? Sure.
But you're gonna need a little more sequins.
[AJ CHUCKLES.]
Hey.
Shouldn't you be inside? I paid good claw money for that stupid room.
Didn't work out.
And no refunds.
[SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
So, what? You weren't feeling the sparkle? Only thing I was feeling was Lloyd's hand on my bottom.
See, told ya.
You know, I always make a point of trying to see the pretty in life, in spite of the pain.
[SIGHS.]
There I was in Diana Ross's pretty, pretty dress, and all I could feel was sad and alone.
Of course, "Endless Love" didn't help.
[AJ.]
Well, maybe you'll feel the pretty in the other dress.
What other dress? - [LAUGHS.]
- [ROBERT GASPS.]
AJ.
- Where did you get this? - [AJ.]
Found it in the downstairs hallway.
Took a left at the dead dog.
AJ, this is not just a scam now.
- You robbed a museum.
- I robbed a house.
A museum would have alarms and crap.
Just I wanted to get you some sparkle for taking me along.
[SIGHS.]
Well, thank you.
And thank you for paying for the room.
[CHUCKLES.]
And I love this.
I would look fabulous in it.
But I I can't keep this.
Can I? He's here.
Yes, that's right.
[SIGHS.]
I didn't think it could get more awkward between us but I guess it could.
Hand me the Juliet Prowse from her 1975 television special [BOTH.]
Romance and Juliet.
Don't let her touch the ground.
[SCOFFS.]
- Wait, Lloyd.
- [RV DOOR CLOSES.]
[ROBERT.]
I owe you an apology.
Uh, when I told you I felt nothing, I let you think it was about you.
Wasn't true.
- So you do feel something towards me? - No.
Sorry.
God, this just keeps getting more and more uncomfortable.
What I meant was I felt nothing because I am so devastated by my breakup.
It really had nothing to do with you.
Well, thank you for saying that.
And thank you for stopping at the museum.
I've only had 16 visitors since I opened two years ago.
[SIGHS.]
I guess people don't really care about Bob Mackie in Tennessee.
How dare they? Hm.
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
[IN SOUTHERN ACCENT.]
Morning, y'all! Get up! - We gotta get to Nashville.
- [LAUGHS.]
I'm wearing it.
Are you happy? Never been more happy.
[LAUGHS.]
[IMITATES GUITAR STRUMMING.]
Whoo-hoo! [CONTINUES IMITATING GUITAR.]
- [COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING.]
- [BOTH LAUGHING.]
[AJ.]
I still thought that shirt was stupid, but I wore it for him 'cause he's had it pretty rough lately.
No denying it.
["I'M ON MY WAY" PLAYING.]
I got caught in the rain I thought the sky was fallin' down I couldn't weather the pain But I kept my faith, I stood my ground From the pain of the past Gonna be free at last Doesn't matter what they say Sparkles in my eyes Like a phoenix arise I'll be happy, free, and gay I'm on my way Nothing can stop me now No one can bring me down I'm on my way Just let me show you how My senses guide me now I'm on my way Nothing can stop me now No one can bring me down [ECHOING.]
I'm on my way [TWINKLING CHIMES.]