Alex, Inc. (2018) s01e05 Episode Script

1 ALEX: Things with the company were really coming together, but we were still missing a name.
Story Space Story Place Story Amos? Apple! Oh, no, that's already a thing.
Talk of the Town, Talk of the Night, Talk of the Truck, Taco Truck.
Beets! Oh, damn you, Dr.
Dre.
Pod, Pod People, The Podsters.
Fire.
Ooh, I like that, like stories around the campfire.
No, like the bacon's on fire.
I was even working on it in my sleep.
Signal Signal Media Today's guest is Alex Schuman, the CEO of Signal Media.
[Laughs.]
Oh.
Thanks, Oprah, but I'm a married man and what about Stedman? [Grunts.]
[Snores.]
I've got it! Guys, I've got the name! I've got it.
I got the name.
Prepare to be wowed.
No, don't shake your head.
You haven't even heard it yet.
- It is - I'd like to be wowed.
Honey, you didn't tell me that your mother was visiting.
What a fun surprise.
What's your mother doing here? Sometimes moms just pop in unannounced.
Who pops in from Dallas? And maybe she heard about you starting your company and decided to come in and provide the kids with some stability during this turbulent time.
Well, if she's here, I hope she's ready for some fun in the city, extra spicy, Indian-style, the full Schuman.
No, no.
No full Schuman.
Please, babe, I really don't want you to do that thing where you try overcompensating with her.
I bet your mother would love my overcompensating if I was that Bengali doctor you used to date, that stupid, perfect Dr.
Sandeep.
Yeah, well, I didn't want to marry a tall, handsome, successful doctor.
I wanted to marry you.
Okay, fine.
No overcompensating.
Maybe just some regular compensating with just a hint of under-compensating.
Thank you.
- [Cellphone plays Indian music.]
- And to prove it to you, I'll be ignoring that Google alert I just set for any and all Indian-themed events happening in the greater New York area.
Joya! It really is good to see you.
Good to see you, too, although I would have been fine seeing a little less of you.
Yes.
Sorry for my lack of clothes.
Or as you might say, "Sorry, I forgot my sari.
" Oh, my God.
Rooni, did I tell you that I recently became Facebook friends with your old friend Dr.
Sandeep? And he posted the cutest video of his gorgeous family.
Why are they covered in colors? They are observing the Hindu holiday of Holi.
Your mother used to love Holi as a girl.
I guess they decided not to continue that tradition with the two of you for some reason.
Oh, Mom, isn't it a little early for this much judgment? So, Alex, I hear that you decided to jeopardize your children's future by quitting your radio DJ job to start a new company.
I guess that means it's not too early.
The company's going great.
Thank you for asking.
We launch our first podcast in a few weeks.
[Snaps fingers.]
Come to think of it, since the family is such a big part of the series, it would be wonderful to get you on tape to hear some of your thoughts on everything.
[Speaking Hindi.]
She said, "Maybe later.
" Okay.
That's one's gonna be, "Maybe later.
" Awesome.
So, what is this company called? The name has actually been a little hard to come by.
But this morning, while washing my undercarriage, I think I found it.
The name or your undercarriage? [Laughter.]
The name.
Kids, drumroll.
The Universal Radio Directive.
It's so long.
It hurts my brain.
The acronym is "turd.
" [Laughing.]
Dad's making a giant turd! No, no.
I'm not gonna make a turd.
It sounded better when I was soapy.
You should have stayed a DJ.
Everyone in New York needs DJs.
There are weddings, bar mitzvahs Mom, you know he wasn't an actual DJ, right? I wasn't a DJ.
Quinceañeras, block parties, proms, hootenannies.
Magic shows.
Raves.
Kids, come on! Grandma Express leaves in five! Thanks again for handling drop-off, Mom.
Hmm, anything to help launch your husband's giant turd.
Could you please just try to take it easy on Alex a bit? He gets so anxious just trying to please you.
You know who else I was tough on? You.
And you turned out to be a very successful public defender.
But, you know, maybe I should have treated you like your cousin Debesh, huh? My sister coddled him, treated him like a prince, and now he's a Prince impersonator.
- Okay, Mom, please.
- [Sighs.]
Fine.
If it means that much to you, I'll be nice.
- What's this? - Alex likes to leave a little joke in their lunch every day.
"How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.
" He doesn't make it easy.
No, he really doesn't.
Let me ask you something.
What's the one thing every company here has that we don't? - Mints.
- Diversity.
A name.
Oh, that was gonna be my next guess.
Sure would be nice to have those mints, though.
Guys, we can't keep putting this off.
No one is gonna take this company seriously until we have a name.
And to be honest, it's a little embarrassing.
I mean, even the Virtual Reality Machine guys found a name.
EDDIE: Ve Are VR? Sure, it's not great, but you get who vey vare.
Does this sudden motivation have anything to do with your mother-in-law being in town? Ed, having a name would give us legitimacy in the eyes of a lot of people.
[Cellphone plays Indian music.]
Including my mother-in-law.
[Cellphone clicks.]
"Interested in Indian threesomes?" It's probably for golf.
Deirdre, what's the current status of our name search? Well, currently, our status is nothing.
But one of my roommates works for a branding agency that specializes in naming.
They name everything from businesses, to Ikea furniture, to new diseases.
Flardstorp That was them.
I think that's the name of my shelving unit.
No.
Actually, it's the hot new bird flu.
- Should I set up a meeting? - I don't know.
Hiring some corporate, soulless agency to name us It goes against the very first thing I'm looking for in a name, which is authenticity.
I like it when a name has two meanings, like the movie "Face Off.
" Okay, this is good.
You know, why don't we why don't we just make a list of everything we want in a name? Deirdre.
Okay, I like names that are subtle and clean, you know, like one syllable, and remind people of a simpler time, like "Cream" or "Yurt.
" Okay.
I'm not sure about those specific names, but I like the thought.
- Morning, Stanley.
- Morning, Ben.
I think it's weird that you know all the janitors' names.
I think it's weird that you don't.
You've got to be kidding me.
Sven Chang has been killing it with the ladies lately.
Even Chloe! Yeah, my Chloe.
I don't get it.
What's so great about him? I guess they think he's cool because he's super diverse.
The guy is Swedish, Chinese, and Brazilian.
We just had a Multicultural unit, and it was like a week-long Sven Chang propaganda piece.
Well, you're diverse.
You're Indian and whatever dad is.
New Jersian, I guess.
But nobody knows that.
My name is Ben Schuman! I sound like I'm an orthodontist with an herb garden.
Too bad you didn't get this multiracial skin or a name like Soraya.
I-I just wish there was a way to showcase my Indian side.
Dude, Sven Chang just brought in these! Have some Swedish meatball dumplings.
You gotta try them.
Angelo, you just gave me a great idea.
God, I love Sven Chang! ALEX: Okay.
So, all we need is an authentic, one-syllable name that reminds people of a bygone era, either includes or definitely doesn't include the word "podcast," is familiar but not too familiar, doesn't think it's better than you, and possibly has two meanings, like the movie "Face Off.
" [Sighs.]
Naming stuff is hard.
This is why I never buy plants.
Yeah, and even if you like a name today, doesn't mean that you're gonna like it tomorrow.
When I was a kid, I named my imaginary friend Fuzzybottom, and now I feel kind of silly calling her that.
Maybe we should just go with Deirdre's name guys.
I read online they came up with "Hot Pockets.
" I mean, they're obviously talented.
Come on, you guys.
We can do this.
This is our identity.
It's gonna tell people who we are.
So Who are we? You know what? Maybe we should take a little break, clear our heads.
I got an idea.
Surprising Alex with a pizza party was a great idea, Mom.
Well, you said to be nice.
Your auntie was the inspiration.
She used to surprise your cousin Debesh with snacks while he was pulling all-nighters recording his cover of "Raspberry Beret.
" I know Dad likes pizzas, but I would have preferred samosas.
We Bengalis have a different name for samosas.
We call them "singaras.
" [Elevator bell dings.]
That's awesome.
Do you think you can show me how to make them sometime? Like, enough to feed a classroom-amount of people? Of course.
These things are an important part of your identity.
So, is this some kind of a sweatshop? I know it's a little funky, but everyone here is working hard to pursue their dreams.
And no one works harder than Alex.
I actually think you'll be impressed when you see him in action.
ALEX: I'm gonna land on that little rock over there! MAN: Go for it.
Oh, look at these cute little creatures! - Hit them with the fireball! - Oh, I don't want to hurt them.
Aah! - They're the bad guys! They're bad guys.
- They're attacking my legs! They're attacking me! - I'm sorry.
- I gotta get outta here! Just hold on.
Aah! Aah! It is nice to see him in action.
I was so obsessed with how I'd embarrassed myself in front of Joya that I couldn't even focus on the name search.
Thrust.
Grind.
Hump.
I used to have glutes like that.
- Too much upkeep.
- Alex! Sorry, guys.
I'm just I'm in my head.
Rooni was acting so weird this morning.
Maybe Joya's finally getting to her.
I'm pretty sure she was the one who locked you in that broom closet at your wedding.
Really? Whoever it was brought a hammer and nails to my wedding.
I just can't imagine somebody not liking you.
I mean, you're Alex.
You're the reason people wake up in the morning.
Some people.
Not me.
Hey, if it makes you feel any better, Indian women aren't into me, either.
Now, Pakistani women they can't get enough.
Turns out, I am one of the many things those countries don't agree on.
I just wish there was some way to change Joya's mind about me.
Yeah, well, we could work on that or we could talk about a name.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
- Let's focus.
- Okay.
[Cellphone plays Indian music.]
I'll be right back.
Dad, where are we going? It's a surprise, but don't worry.
- You're gonna love it.
- You better not be taking me to put on a robot hat and have gremlins eat my legs.
Yesterday, I couldn't help but notice you were a little disappointed that our family doesn't celebrate Holi A holiday that signifies fresh starts, forgiveness, repairing broken relationships.
Are you taking us to a Holi?! Awesome, we're gonna get messy! Alex, that is very sweet! You know, I have some of the most wonderful memories of Holi as a child.
Well, prepare to have some more wonderful memories of Holi as an adult! - [Electronic music plays.]
- MAN: That's right, baby! [Cheering.]
This isn't Holi! I think I'm the only Indian person here.
Guess I should've read the website closer.
This juice tastes funny.
- I can't feel my face.
- Give me that! Look, Joya, I know this isn't probably the kind of Holi you're used to, but I think we can still have fun.
Holi! You know what? It's not that fun.
[Spitting.]
The important thing to remember is that this is one of those freak things that happens, and it really isn't anyone's fault.
Go dry off.
I want to talk to your dad.
Or you know what, stay here and we'll all go in together.
Stay strong, Dad.
We'll see you on the other side.
Ow! It's too pointy! That's my nighttime zone! Why couldn't you just do what I asked? I tried.
But you don't know what it's like having to deal with your mother's constant disapproval.
You think I don't know what that's like? I'm just saying, I could use a little bit more support with your mother.
[Spits, coughs.]
You want to talk about support? Where's my support? While you're off chasing your dreams, I'm here struggling to hold our lives together.
You think I wanted to ask my mom for help? Wait, you asked her to come? I needed help, and I knew if I asked you, you'd freak out.
I cannot believe you lied to me.
We're supposed to be honest with each other no matter what.
- You want honesty? - Yes.
I'm scared.
We have so much riding on this our savings, this house, our careers and you can't even name your own company.
I love that you're the guy with these big dreams.
But right now, I need you to be the guy who can get things done.
[Door opens, closes.]
[Coughs.]
After what Rooni said, it was time to call in the professionals.
Let me tell you a little bit about what we do.
We name things.
- Mm.
- Let me tell you a little more.
- We name the crap out of things.
- Mm! Well, that's great because we need a name, and for whatever reason, it's been impossible for us to come up with one.
Impossible is our specialty! Mindr, Findr, Bindr, Windr All us.
Show them the dogs.
Celebrity dogs Named them all.
- I told you these guys were very good.
- That's good.
So, does that answer your question? I don't think we asked a question.
No, we never got a chance to ask questions.
No, not out loud.
Um, but, do you have a name for us? Uh, yeah, I'd say we have a name.
Squiz Media.
What's a Squiz? It isn't anything.
You don't have to worry about people having any pre-existing negative associations.
So, how does Squiz relate to our identity as a company? Nobody cares about that stuff, A-money.
This has been focus-grouped from Maine to Spain.
Squiz is a sure thing.
It's fun.
It's sharp.
[Whispering.]
It's now.
[Whispering.]
Right now.
So, what do you say? W-We do need a name ASAP, and y-you did test it from Maine to Spain.
Uh, okay.
Uh Let's go with Squiz.
- Yeah.
- Whoo! We're in Squiz-ness.
- Yay.
- DEIRDRE: Cool.
You may know these as samosas, but in the Bengal, where my family is from, we call them singaras.
I saved the biggest one for you, Chloe.
This looks amazing.
It's an old family recipe.
Tradition is very important in my culture.
Ooh! Sorry, Sven.
Must have miscounted.
All right, everyone [speaking Nepali.]
Or as my French great-grandfather on my dad's side would say, bon appetite! [All coughing.]
GIRL: Too spicy! Oh, no.
We went too authentic! Why?! My insides are on fire! My organs are staging a revolution! Don't worry, Chloe.
The singaras here.
Stay with me, stay with me.
I hate you, Ben Schuman! I'm assuming you're finished? He has a juice box! WOMAN: Angelo, sit down! Everyone sit down! I've never been to war, but it can't be worse than what happened in that classroom today.
The school paper is calling it "The Singara Horra.
" Oh, Ben, I am so sorry.
I guess I'm just not used to cooking for American children.
I don't get it.
Why is it so hard to get girls to like me? You used to be a girl.
- What did Grandpa do to get you? - [Laughs.]
Your grandfather didn't do anything.
It was an arranged marriage.
My father talked to his father, we met once, and then, that was it.
We were married.
That sounds so much easier.
How can I get one of those? Arranged marriages aren't all great.
It worked for me, but you're lucky to live someplace where you get to choose your own partner.
One reason why your grandfather and I moved to this country was so that our children could know that kind of freedom.
So you're not mad that Mom chose to marry Dad over Dr.
Sandeep? What? [Laughs.]
No.
Why would you think that? Well, it's pretty obvious that you don't like my dad very much.
Sweetheart, that is not true.
Your father is a good man.
We might not see eye-to-eye on everything, but he takes good care of you and he makes your mother very happy.
ALEX: Hey, Alex Schuman.
Squiz Media, double handshake.
[Sighs.]
[Sighs.]
I'm a Squizzer.
Alex, can I interrupt whatever it is that's going on here? Joya, I'm really not in the mood to be insulted right now.
Okay.
Look, I know that I have given you a hard time about starting this company.
I also know, more than most, that it takes a lot of courage to leave what you know behind in order to give yourself and your family a better life.
Thank you.
I gotta say, it's a lot harder than I thought.
I know Rooni told you she was worried, but I have to be honest.
I'm worried, too.
I have everything on the line.
I'm going to tell you a story.
So, get your giant microphone out of your manny-pac.
- It's going to be a good one.
- Really? That's great.
You know, the sound out here The sound is fine.
When I was a little girl in Calcutta, my grandfather treated me differently than he treated all of the sisters and the girl-cousins.
He treated me, for some reason, like one of the boys.
He would send me, all by myself, to the market to get potatoes or hilsa the king of the fish when I was no older than Soraya.
That's so young.
You must have been terrified.
I was.
And I told my dadu.
And he sat me down, and he said, "You don't even know what you are afraid of.
You must never fear ajana," which in Bengali means "the unknown.
" "Because," he went on to say, "ajana is where all the good things happen.
" I never forgot that.
And even now, every time that I'm afraid, I see that little 7-year-old girl throwing her shoulders back and marching into that crowded market in Calcutta.
So throw your shoulders back, Alex Schuman.
Wow, hi.
I'm guessing things went well at the branding agency? They came up with a name for us.
They said it was a sure thing that tested well from Maine to Spain, and I'm not using it.
Wait, you're not? I-I'm so confused.
I just had the most incredible conversation with your mother.
Okay, now I'm really confused.
She told me this awesome story from her childhood, and it just made me realize we're not "sure thing" people.
That's not us.
You know, my old job was a sure thing, and I hated it.
And And I'll bet you handsome Dr.
Sandeep was a sure thing, and yet you chose a dreamer with large features.
Babe, we follow our hearts and we embrace the unknown.
And sometimes, it is so scary.
But it's also Where all the best stuff happens.
She told you about ajana.
That's it.
What's what? That's the name of our company Ajana, the unknown.
It's perfect! So much better than TURD.
I have to do something amazing for your mother.
Don't worry, I won't do anything too crazy.
Actually, I think I know something she'd like that is a little crazy.
[Indian music plays.]
One, two One, two, three, go ["Raspberry Beret" plays.]
She wore a raspberry beret The kind you find in a second-hand store Raspberry beret And if it was warm, she wouldn't wear much more Raspberry beret Ajana.
Is it me, or does that sound a little like vag Do you really want to go down that road again? - Love the name, boss! - Me, too.
But I can't take all the credit.
[Laughs.]
Oh, you bastards messed with the wrong Bengali! Oh, what's this? I'm flying! Alex, I can fly! Um, you said she was just gonna be a minute.
I got a bunch of work to do.
I have never seen that woman smile, so you might wanna get comfortable, Orson.
I'm flying!