All In The Family s01e05 Episode Script

[ Announcer .]
From television city in Hollywood.
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made [ together .]
those were the days and you knew where you were then [ Archie .]
girls were girls and men were men [ Archie, Edith .]
mister, we could use a man like Herbert hoover again [ Archie .]
didn't need no welfare state [ Edith .]
everybody pulled his weight [ Archie, Edith .]
gee, our old lasalle ran great those were the days Michael, could you please help me ? The can opener's stuck.
Sure, babe.
That's enough landmarks of economic thought for one afternoon.
And could you help me set the table too ? Roger will be here in a few minutes.
Sure.
What's for lunch ? You'll see, and no grabbing any samples.
There's only one thing I wanna grab.
Michael ! [ Giggling .]
I just don't think it's right, Archie.
Every time the church has a charity drive, I gotta say, "my husband don't have any old clothes.
" So ? So, I've been tellin' them that for 15 years.
Listen, that's the trouble with this country today.
There's too many handouts.
Every guy and his brother's on welfare, which is the same as pickin' my pocket.
Well, if they're gonna pick my pocket, they ain't gonna do it in my suit.
I didn't hear the substance, but the tone tells me to set this down easy, mind my own business and steal slowly out of the room.
Hey.
Didn't make it.
Two seconds away from freedom.
If it's freedom from me you're inferrin' there, you'll notice I ain't got no bars on that front door.
Archie, I'm makin' a joke.
Can't you take a joke ? I can take-- I know.
You can take a joke with the best of them.
If you're gonna answer your questions as well as ask them, what do you need us for ? You're a regular one-man family.
All right, you two.
That's enough of that.
Michael, I need you.
Now, hold it, hold it.
Come here a minute.
Come here.
What is this here ? "S.
S.
Pierce fancy cashews" ? What, are we gettin' too classy for peanuts ? Edith ! I got no problem with peanuts.
Daddy, will you please stop it.
Those are for company, and besides, they only cost a few cents more.
"Cost a few cents more.
" Edith, did you bring these things into the house ? Probably.
What do you mean, "probably" ? I mean probably I did.
Well, probably you did could also mean probably you didn't.
That's the way it is with a word like "probably.
" Right ? Probably.
Dingbat ! What is all this, anyway ? Whattaya got here ? Is that whipped cream ? It's clam dip.
Clam dip ? What's this ? What kind of fish is that ? Smoked salmon.
Smoked salmon ? I only get tuna fish for my lunch.
Who you havin' here ? The Duke of windsor ? What difference would it make ? Whoever it is, you're not gonna like him.
You don't like anything about us.
You resent our attitudes, our politics, even the clothes we wear.
I don't think there's one thing about us you agree with.
I agree with that.
That don't answer the question.
Who's the big cheese you're havin' here for lunch ? Roger.
Roger, the fairy ? All right, all right.
Let's not start-- did you hear that, Edith ? You know who they're bringing around here for lunch ? Roger.
Sweetie pie Roger ! Would you cut it out, huh ? He's their friend, Archie.
Listen, Edith.
We run a decent home here, and we don't need any strange little birdies flyin' in and out of it.
Daddy, you stop that.
Roger's not a strange little birdie.
His pal Roger is as queer as a four-dollar bill, and he knows it.
That's not only cruel, daddy, that's an outright lie.
You know something, Archie, just because a guy is sensitive And he's an intellectual and he wears glasses, you make him out a queer.
I never said a guy who wears glasses is a queer.
A guy who wears glasses is a four eyes.
A guy who is a fag is a queer.
Mom, make him stop talking like that.
Oh, dear, I-I-I don't know.
Mom-- go ahead, Edith.
Now, answer the girl.
Now, you've seen Roger sashaying around here with his la-di-da talk.
He's a pansy.
I don't know.
What do you mean, you don't know ? I'm not an expert on flowers.
Archie, look.
You might as well face it.
You're all alone in this.
We all know Roger, and we all know he's straight.
And even if he wasn't-- and I said if-- what difference would that make ? In many countries-- england, for instance-- there is a law That says whatever two consenting adults do in private is their own business.
Listen.
This ain't england.
We threw england out of here a long time ago.
We don't want no more part of england, and for your information, england is a fag country.
What ? Certainly.
Ain't they still pickin' handkerchiefs out of their sleeve, huh ? Ain't they still standin' around, leanin' on them skinny umbrellas like this here ? I know this.
Their whole society is based on a kind of a "fagdom.
" Di-- yo-- yo-- you know, you're right, Archie.
You're right.
The British are a bunch of pansies.
Pansies, fairies and sissies.
And the Japanese are a race of midgets, the Irish are boozers, the Mexicans are bandits-- and you polacks are meatheads.
[ Doorbell ringing .]
That's Roger.
Now, daddy, please be good.
If I can't be good, I'll be careful.
Gloria ! Hey, Mike, hi.
Nice to see you.
How was the trip ? Nice to see you.
Fabulous ! Mike, it was the most super trip.
In fact, it was an absolutely stunning, exhausting, incredible experience ! Oh, when is he gonna land ? Um, pardon me, Roger.
You know my mother.
Oh, yes.
Mrs.
bunker.
So nice to see you again.
How do you do, Roger ? Really a pleasure.
And my father, Mr.
bunker.
Mr.
bunker.
Yeah, how are ya ? Uh, one hand's enough.
Roger, why don't you sit down, make yourself comfortable, and I'll get the hors d'oeuvres.
Oh, mom, Roger brought us some snapshots from his trip to Europe.
Oh, I like snapshots.
I always like to think about everybody standin' there in them.
You know, frozen-like ? And then the next minute, after the picture has been snapped, they're all off and movin' again.
I like to think about who they are And where they're going, right after the picture is snapped.
You're a pip, you know that, Edith ? You're a regular edna St.
Louis millay.
Here are the hors d'oeuvres.
Oh.
Well, tell us about Europe there, Roger.
What kind of sports action they got over there this time of the year ? I mean, they must have things like skiin' there, and bobsleddin'.
Bobsleddin'.
There's a manly sport.
Do you do any bobsleddin' over there ? Uh, well, no, sir.
There isn't too much of that in London, I'm afraid.
That's where I spent most of my time.
- Oh, London, huh ? London, england, huh ? - Yes.
Your witness.
Let's take a look at those pictures.
Let me see what you got.
Wow.
Oh, wouldn't you know it.
The first one's the cornball of all time.
The changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace.
Oh, my ! - Look at those big hats.
- These are the gardens at coventry.
Oh, what beautiful flowers ! Aren't the colors vibrant ? And you know, they smelled heavenly.
He's off the ground again.
Here's the old standby.
Big Ben.
Oh, my, you can almost hear it chime.
Look, it's 4:00.
And one minute later, after the picture was snapped, the hands were moving again, and it was one minute after 4:00.
Uh-- oh ! Oh.
This was a most enchanting young person.
Boy or girl ? A boy.
Why did I ask ? He was selling peace stickers there in piccadilly circus.
Look at that expression ! And right after you snapped the picture, he was moving again.
And everybody behind him.
Yeah, they was all movin', Edith ! I want to take a look at this enchantin' young person.
Aren't you gonna be late meeting Steve and the guys at the tavern ? Oh, I thought I'd hang around and hear about Some more of the enchanting things he done over there.
For instance, uh, did he hunt ? You know Roger doesn't hunt.
I don't believe in it either.
Sometimes I got my doubts about you too, Buster brown.
All right, Edith, I'm going over to kelcy's bar, say hello to my friend, Steve, and say hello to some of the boys.
Nice seein' you too, Roger.
Oh, my pleasure, Mr.
bunker.
Whoopee.
Archie, maybe you can bring back a pitcher of kelcy's tap.
It'd go good with their lunch.
Yeah, ma, Roger and I'll pick it up later.
Uh, Archie, never mind.
Why don't you go and have a nice afternoon.
Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.
It's been a charmin' interlude.
Here.
I made us some little hot toddies.
And, oh, Roger, have some fancy cashews.
Oh, thank you.
They're from s.
S.
Pierce.
S.
S.
Pierce ! That's my favorite kind of cashew.
Listen, guys, all I'm sayin' is the right to strike Is in the constitution and in the declaration of independence.
And all I'm saying, Barney, there's a time and a place for everything.
Wages go up, prices go up.
Right away, inflation.
Yeah, Steve is right.
It's what you call your upward "spinal.
" [ Laughing .]
The point still is, you can't tell an American when he can go on strike if he wants to.
America means it's up to him.
America means it's his God-given right, and anything else is un-American.
Yeah, but your American workers goin' on strike Is what makes your kids' shoes cost so much.
Not my kids' shoes.
Why not ? 'Cause we buy jap shoes.
He's got you there, Archie.
Yeah, at the discount house.
Hey, speakin' about imports, you guys gotta go see that Swedish picture that just opened downtown.
[ Steve .]
Oh, yeah ? Wanda: How I became a woman.
What a film ! Madon' ! Really somethin', huh ? Oh, this Wanda's got a built on her.
Yeah ? Yeah ? She's a waitress, see ? And the first time you see her, she's leanin' over the counter.
And I mean leanin'.
[ Chuckling .]
She can really act.
Yeah, but you gotta admit, some of them foreign films, they go too far, you know.
I mean, some of them, they ain't nothin' but sheer "pornograbby.
" Yeah, yeah, I know what you mean.
But this Wanda thing has got what they call Some redeemin' "socialness.
" Oh, yeah, I heard of that.
That's where they give you the same "pornograb," but they advertise in the times instead of the news.
[ Chuckling .]
Hey, kelcy.
Put a head on this, will ya ? Anyway, you gotta go see this Wanda.
I'm gonna go see it.
You don't have to go to movies to see your wandas, huh, Steve ? I mean, you bachelors, you got 'em comin' and goin' like runnin' water, huh ? Whatever you say, arch.
Come over and sit down with me.
I want to ask you some things.
Sure.
When you was playin' pro ball, I mean, the game was different then.
It was rougher, it was tougher.
It was real guts football, huh ? None of your two platoon stuff and all that, huh ? Oh, I don't know, arch.
It was a long time ago.
Yeah, but when you was playin' against bronko nagurski-- no, no, no, no, no.
We never played the bears.
Besides, I only played two seasons.
Listen to this guy.
You only played two seasons.
You know how many people never even played one season ? Most.
What I mean is, how do you keep yourself in such great shape ? Look at your shoulders and all that.
Well, I work out every day, jog two Miles every morning, and, uh, archery.
Archery ? Yeah, it's good for the arms and the shoulders.
You mean with a bow and arrow ? Yeah.
Jeez, you know, I never figured you for no bow and arrow.
Hey, kelcy, let me have a pitcherful there, will ya.
Hey, Mike.
Hey, you guys.
How ya doin' ? Get a load of this.
My son-in-law and his pal tinkerbell.
Excuse me, will you, Mike.
Hey, Steve ! Hey, rog.
Hi, Mr.
bunker.
Good to see you again, kid.
Here, sit down.
Thank you, but we're only gonna be a minute.
I just got back from Europe, and I wanted you to know I got some beautiful shots.
[ Steve .]
Good.
How did the zoom lens work out ? Fantastic.
The best lens you ever sold me.
Next time you're in the shop, there's a 105 that's great for portraits.
I'll come Thursday and look at it.
Good to see you.
Nice to see you.
Arch, I'll flip you for the beers.
Oh, no, not today, Steve.
Your money ain't no good around here.
Uh, Mike, uh, could I speak with you for-- would, uh, you excuse us, please, huh ? Oh, sure.
Sure.
Thanks.
Hey.
This, uh, kid you come in with.
Is he straight ? Oh, no.
Not you too.
Of course he is.
Why ? Well, the way him and Steve there were so buddy-buddy, I thought maybe he was a little, uh-- you know ? What ? Well, now, don't get me wrong.
I don't mind Steve.
His camera store is just down the street here.
He only comes in for a drink once in a while on his way home.
Besides, he don't, uh, camp it up, you know ? And he don't bring in none of his friends.
Kelcy, are you trying to tell me that Steve is-- I just wouldn't want my place To become no, uh, hangout.
Know what I mean ? Huh ? Gloria, this was a delicious lunch.
Oh, thank you, Roger.
It was sweet of you to come over today and share your trip with us.
Don't be silly.
I loved it.
It was like reliving the whole experience.
The picture I like the best was the one of the queen passing by.
Oh, mom.
That was just her carriage.
You couldn't even see her.
I know, but she was inside, sittin' there royal-like.
Maybe takin' a speck out of her eye.
Hey, you know what they got on at 3:00, channel 9 ? They got a special on there.
Great fights of the century.
Jack dempsey, Joe Louis, rocky marciano-- all of 'em.
Bring us over a beer here, will ya, Edith.
Oh, you're still here, are you, Roger ? Uh, he was just leaving, daddy.
Uh, yes.
However, I'm happy that I had the opportunity to say good-bye to you again, sir.
Oh, well, if it means that much to you, swell.
Unless of course you want to sit here and watch the fights with me.
Well, no, thank you, sir.
I don't care much for pugilism.
Who's talkin' about pugilism ? I asked you to watch the fights.
Fighting is not my cup of tea, sir.
Oh, fighting's not his cup of tea.
That's that then, huh ? Uh, yeah.
Come on, rog.
Let's go.
Hey, Mike, uh, come here a minute, will ya.
What ? Why don't you just open up a window.
We'll all watch him fly out.
Thanks again.
Bye.
Uh, see ya, rog.
Hey, wanna watch the fights, Mike ? No, thanks.
What's the matter, you sorehead ? Just because I called the turn on your friend Roger-bell ? Listen, Archie, you make one more crack about Roger-- or what ? Well, never mind.
But I could tell you something that could shock you pretty good.
I been everywhere where the grass grows green.
Nothing you're gonna show me or tell me is gonna shock me.
Remember that.
I know something that'd shock you, daddy.
I bet you can't do this thing.
Oh, yeah, come on.
Just try for a second.
Leave me alone.
I'm watchin' the fights here.
There's a commercial on here.
It'd just take a second.
All right.
What do you got ? Yeah.
What is this ? Some kind of practical joke.
No, no, no.
It's not a joke.
Gloria, show him.
Watch, daddy.
Take three steps back from the wall.
Yeah.
One, two, three.
Then you put the chair in front of you.
You bend over, put your head against the wall, and you pick up the chair, and ta-da.
That's it ? That's it.
That's all there is.
It's just that men can't do it.
-Michael can't do it.
Show him, Michael.
-Yeah, watch this.
Here you go.
Same thing, right ? Three steps back from the wall.
Chair in place, head on the wall.
Pick up the chair.
Can't stand up.
Cannot stand up.
Can't get up.
What are you ta-- gimme the chair ! No.
Go ahead.
Three steps back, right ? Right.
One, two, three.
Yeah.
Okay.
Put the chair there.
My head against the wall.
I lift up the chair.
Right.
Yeah, now stra-- straighten up ! I can't straighten up ! You didn't straighten up ! I know.
I just can't do it ! That's the thing.
Yeah, but I straightened up.
What'd you do to the chair ? I didn't do anything to the chair.
You're a liar.
What'd he do to the chair ? He didn't do anything.
Get over here and watch me.
All I did was the same thing.
It's the same chair and the same wall.
One, two, three.
Gimme the chair ! One, two, three.
Put the chair there.
Right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Head against the wall.
Pick it up.
[ Laughing .]
Don't hurt yourself, dad.
That's a trick chair ! - It's not a trick chair ! - If it ain't a trick chair, any other chair will work.
Any chair.
Okay.
All right, I'll get another chair.
Okay, ma.
One, two, three.
Da-da da-da if she can do it, there's a trick to it, and I ain't interested.
It's not a trick.
It's not a trick.
Women can do it, and men can't.
You saw I couldn't do it.
It's just women are built different.
I been aware of that for some time.
No, I-I-I mean, the pelvic construction is such that-- oh, please don't draw me no "diaphragms," huh ? It's a dumb gag.
Where did you get it ? Roger showed it to us.
Oh, Roger showed it to you.
- Yeah, he brought it back from england.
- Boy, I bet he can do it.
Let's not start any of that again, huh ? You told me that a man can't do it.
If a man can't do it, I would imagine your friend Roger-bell can.
"Roger-bell," huh ? "Roger-bell" ? You wanna know who could lift that chair, Archie ? I mean, not only could he lift that chair, but he could prance and flit all over this room with it.
Your friend Steve.
Michael.
My friend Steve ? That's right, Archie, and I wasn't gonna say it, but it's true.
That big football player Is a flower ? You are sick, you know that ? You need help ! Oh, now, daddy, don't start in with-- no, no ! I've listened to this guy around here for ten months ! All his pinko stuff, well, that's all right.
That's what they're fillin' 'em up with in the schools nowadays.
The clothes ? Well, that's all right.
They take from one another.
One kid looks crummier than the next.
Their wide-open sex any time of the night or day for no reason at all ? All right, that's your "submissive" society.
But when they goes besmearin'-- when they go besmearin' the name of a great linebacker, a second choice all-American-- a man, and I mean a real man, then you might as well shut the doors of this country and hang out a sign: "Closed.
Owner gone nuts.
" [ Steve .]
Good shot ! Get those hands up ! That-a-way ! Move that body ! [ All shouting .]
One shot ! Ahh ! Gotcha ! Keep the hands up.
That-a-boy.
Feint, jab.
[ Barney .]
Hit him in the belly ! [ Steve .]
Hit him with a left ! Move that left ! That-a-boy.
Move it ! Yeah ! Come on ! Come on.
This is it.
The knockout.
No, no, the knockout's in the tenth round.
This is the tenth round.
Here it comes ! Bang ! Pow ! [ Shouting .]
Hey, Steve.
Kelcy, I gotta go.
Where you goin' ? Where you goin', you guys ? The old lady's waitin' for me.
Okay, we'll see ya.
[ Kelcy .]
Thanks for stoppin' by.
That was some fight, huh ? Great.
You know something, arch ? I love those combinations.
Hey, hey ! Take it easy there ! The law says them mitts of yours are lethal weapons.
You're nuts, Archie.
I was a ballplayer, not a fighter.
What's the difference ? Look at the size of you.
Boy, the strength-- hey, do me a favor.
Let me try you once with the arm.
Have another beer.
Come on, come on.
One time.
Forget it.
Are you serious ? Certainly.
All right, go.
[ Shouts .]
Oh, gee ! Oh, beautiful ! Oh, gee.
Boy, what an arm ! Oh, my-- when I think of what that dopey son-in-law of mine said-- Mike still buggin' you ? Oh, well, I tell ya, it's-- it's-- it ain't only him.
It's his whole generation.
Kelcy, bring us a couple of beers over here.
Right, arch.
I mean, they got no regard.
They got no respect for the old institutions.
What institutions, Archie ? Well, you know, like sports, sportsmanship there.
Guts, guns-- the things that separate the sexes, you know what I mean ? Yeah, I think I know what you mean.
Yeah.
Here you go, guys.
Thanks.
Uh, let me ask you somethin' there.
How long you know this, uh, this kid Roger that was in with Mike ? Oh, couple of years, ever since he started to come in the shop.
Couple of years.
Now, you're a man of the world.
Now, you must know that this kid is kind of a la-di-da, right ? Is that what Mike thinks of Roger ? Oh, forget about what Mike thinks.
I can't even tell you what he thinks.
Hey, put them glasses over here.
I wanna go with you once more.
Go ahead.
Come on.
You're nuts.
All right.
Let me get even.
One more time.
Get it up there.
All right.
Go ! [ Chuckling .]
What does Mike think, arch ? Ah, Mike.
Jeez.
Well, for one thing, he thinks that friend of his, Roger, is straight.
And for another thing-- you're gonna wanna bust him wide open when I tell you this.
I don't know where he gets these brainstorms, but he thinks that you're a-- jeez, I can't even say it to you, Steve.
He's right, arch.
Huh ? He's right.
You mean he's right about his friend Roger.
About everything.
Aw, come on.
I mean-- if you wanna joke about it, all right, but come on.
Get off it, huh, guy ? Arch.
How long you known me ? Ten, twelve years ? Yeah.
In all that time, did I ever mention a woman ? What difference does that make ? You're a bachelor.
So ? I know, but bachelors are-- they're always actin' kinda private.
Exactly.
Aw, come on, Steve.
I ain't the brightest guy in the world.
You wanna put me on, put me on, but don't tell me that you-- I mean, look at you-- look at-- come on, will ya, you big clown, you ! Get outta here ! Have it your own way, arch.
The truth's in the eye of the beholder anyway.
I'll see ya later, pal.
Well, if that's the punch of a fruit-- nyah ! Watch.
I'll do it again.
Look.
Just pick it up and then stand up.
Incredible.
It's amazing.
I can't believe-- I couldn't do that.
Men can't do that.
Isn't that wild ? You try it, Jerry.
Here you go.
Three steps back.
Right.
Put the chair in.
[ Giggling .]
Do it again.
I don't believe that.
I thought you said a guy couldn't do that ! I'm never gonna trust youse two again ! Daddy, I'd like you to meet my friend, Jerry woodner.
Yeah, how are ya ? Well, how do you do, Mr.
bunker ? Pleased to meet ya.
Nowadays you can't bet on nothin'.
[ Archie .]
boy, the way Glenn Miller played [ Edith .]
songs that made the hit parade [ Archie .]
guys like us we had it made [ Archie, Edith .]
those were the days [ announcer .]
All in the family was recorded on tape before a live audience.