Ally Mcbeal s01e05 Episode Script

- Excuse me.
Is this the last one? - I think it is.
We can't keep enough of those lately.
- New shipment is in tomorrow.
- This one looks old.
Is it fresh? Oh, sure.
- Excuse me.
I was taking those.
- You put them back.
No, I'm still getting them.
I don't mean to be difficult, but if you were still getting them why didn't you put them in your cart instead of back on the shelf? People pick items up, they put them down again.
It's part of shopping deciding what to buy, whether to buy.
I was deciding if I wanted those when you swooped in.
Swooped in? I don't want to be a troublemaker, but these other Pringles are ridged.
I have trouble with ridges.
After you put them down on the shelf, you picked up Ruffles.
Why would you consider Ruffles, if you have trouble with ridges? - What are you, a lawyer? - You saw her put these back, right? - That's rich, playing the sex card.
- I beg your pardon? You think he's going to side with you 'cause you look how you look, and I look how I look.
- These are my Pringles.
- Did you see that? - I don't want to get involved.
- Fine.
Have the Pringles.
But let's be honest.
You decided not to buy them and when I wanted them, you wanted them back.
You pissy little thing.
Shopping in your little Calvin Klein outfit.
You chose them 'cause I left them on the edge and you wouldn't have to pop a pore to reach them.
Why are you being so mean? Is it because you look how you look? I won't even dignify that.
I've got the Pringles! Oops.
I've been down this road One Hundred Tears Away Walking the line That's painted by pride And I have made mistakes in my life That I just can't hide Oh, I believe I am ready For what love has to bring I got myself together Now I'm ready to sing I've been searching my soul tonight I know there's so much more to life Now I know I can shine a light To find my way back home Oh, baby, yeah Oh, yeah Officer, it was totally vicious.
- Did you really have to handcuff me? - Standard procedure, ma'am.
- I didn't mean for her to fall.
- You've been consistent on that one.
Can you tell him how horrible she was being? - Okay, Ally.
- Thank God.
Renee Radick, Deputy D.
A.
- Do we need the cufflinks? - We made an arrest.
- What happened? - An argument.
She tripped her, causing a head laceration, maybe a concussion.
I was only going for a stumble.
I can't send you for paper towels? - We're taking her.
- Into custody? Why did they cuff you? To make it harder to paint your toes? Your sarcasm is inappropriate! I'm an attorney, I'll sue you for police brutality.
Don't forget Rodney King.
He's pulling me! There are video cameras.
I'm accosted by this woman and I have to be subjected to this - Let's go home.
- Where are my things? - Do I get my belongings back? - We have another problem.
- Is she dead? - No.
The woman's meeting with her lawyer.
- What? - The store has a video surveillance.
They played the tapes.
- Now the charges include shoplifting.
- What? The tapes show you putting contraceptive jelly into your pocket.
Because I was embarrassed to be seen with it.
I was going to pay.
- Contraceptive jelly? - Quiet! - I was hiding it until checkout time.
- You're not even having sex! If you hadn't yanked me away, I would have paid for it.
I'll whisk you through arraignment and dispose of it first thing.
- You'll be the D.
A.
? - I'll try.
Get a lawyer - I'm representing myself.
- No! Yes, I will.
We want the judge to kick this quickly.
They dislike lawyers to represent themselves.
Take this phone and call someone from your office.
Now! Hello? Hello? Whipper? - How are you? - Oh, I'm fine.
He's a little busy right now.
Could I ask him to call you back? Oh, that would be fabulous.
Bye.
See you.
- Hello? - It's Ally.
Is Billy there? Hey, Ally.
Sure.
- Hello? - No questions or passing judgment.
Don't pass go.
Just listen and help me.
I tripped a woman.
I stole sex jelly and I need you.
- I'll meet you at the courthouse.
- She wanted Pringles - Now what? - She knocked somebody unconscious and stole diaphragm jelly.
Great, Jeanie, thanks.
Happy Boyle is sitting first session.
- That's the one Billy knows? - He likes hookers and clean teeth.
You might actually dodge a bullet.
- Now, can we talk about this? - No! - I must know the facts.
- Forget it! - Lf I don't know the story - Renee knows.
Follow her.
- Did you bring the records? - X-rays too.
It's all here.
Commonwealth versus Ally McBeal, 32122.
Assault, battery, misdemeanor larceny.
- Billy Thomas for the defendant.
- Renee Radick for the Commonwealth.
We can dust this one at the bench.
We'll plead sufficient facts, no finding of guilt if she's clean for a year, it gets wiped.
She mauled a woman over a bag of chips? She tripped her.
It seems minor.
- What about stealing spermicide? - That seems to be a mistake.
She put it in her pocket because she was embarrassed.
After the altercation, she forgot about it.
- Aren't you the district attorney? - Yes, Your Honor.
There's no point in wasting tax dollars on this.
Step up here, young woman.
Let me see your teeth.
- You've been in front of me before.
- She was with me as an attorney.
A lawyer? Is it appropriate for an attorney to kick people and then steal spermicide? - No! L Your Honor, it was a misunderstanding and I'd like to admit Ms.
McBeal's dental records with her x-rays, which vouch for her hygiene and character.
This would be funny if justice wasn't this arbitrary.
Very well.
Continue with no findings for one year.
- Behave yourself, you little vixen.
- Yes, sir.
Next case.
- I have truly wonderful news.
- Might you keep it to yourself? - I sold the face bra! - You sold it? To a small company.
We're doing an infomercial.
I need you to close the deal.
We'll call it "The Mask" for women on the run! - You kicked a woman senseless? - I tripped her! She got a cut on her head.
Who told you? - The Board of Bar Overseers.
- What? Judge Boyle made a report.
They suspended your license.
- What? - Who'll do my patent? - The hearing is tomorrow.
- They suspended my license? You can't attack people over a snack.
It's common sense.
They also said you swiped some gyno-cream.
Any truth to that? I sold my face bra.
Well, I'm nothing, if not surrounded.
Look what they've done to my song, Ma Look what they've done To my song - Can they really suspend her? - They just want to give her a warning.
She wouldn't take it.
Isn't it rude to talk about me like I'm not here? Maybe same room, but different planet.
Kidding.
Bygones.
Whatever.
I know who will be sitting tomorrow.
Henrietta Fulham, Johnson Hawk, and Marshal Pink.
Let me see that.
You? How can you smoke those disgusting things? They lend intrigue to my character.
They're serious.
Can you represent her? - Sure.
- I'll go too.
Back you up.
Lawyers have committed dangerous crimes and they're not brought before the board.
And this was an altercation.
- This seems like a joke.
- With this panel? No joke.
And Pink: Conservative, no humor, Christian.
- The gyno-gel could be trouble.
- Oh, great.
And it's turning out all wrong What that tape doesn't reflect is the provocation by Mrs.
Clarkson.
I remind the panel there's been no criminal finding against Ms.
McBeal.
It's not about criminal wrongdoing.
It's about mental fitness.
What?! Your Honor, there is no basis to question her mental fitness.
- There is, counsel.
- I'd certainly like to hear it.
First, the assault in the supermarket.
Second, Professor James Dawson was a friend of mine.
I attended his funeral last week.
Ms.
McBeal's eulogy was bizarre, to say the least.
You see the man seated back there, Ms.
McBeal? - Sorry.
- Hey! Did you accost him because he wasn't apologetic enough after bumping into you? There is a context to that.
Did you submit your dental records in court as mitigating circumstances for last night's attack? Motivated by your inability to get the potato chip of your choice? Ms.
McBeal, we won't deny your due process, but I'll be frank.
We're in a time where the Bar and lawyers are subjected to public scorn.
You trip people in supermarkets.
You steal spermicidal jelly.
You punch people on the street.
I saw you acting very erratically on a pulpit.
There is an explanation for all of it.
Every last bit.
You'll get to present it.
We've scheduled an evidentiary hearing for tomorrow, 10:00.
Between now and that time you'd serve yourself well not to attack anybody.
This is beyond ridiculous.
They can't threaten my license over a pedestrian - They subpoenaed me.
- Who? The Board.
To talk about Ally.
- Why? - I don't know.
Don't look so worried.
I'm on your side.
- That's what worries me.
- Did you say anything about Ally? I say many things to many people.
- She's popped into conversation.
- What did you say? - Bygones! - It's not bygones.
What did you say? Snappish.
He followed you, got your name and reported you.
- The judge decided - Billings.
- What? - I've seen that Judge Pink before.
He's a friend of Jack Billings.
- It's payback! - Maybe it is, maybe it isn't.
- They get us, we get them.
Biscuit? - He's still in Syracuse.
- You got the two of us behind you.
- And me.
It wasn't supposed to be like this.
You become a lawyer you get interesting cases, meet interesting men.
You're supposed to send your life to the dry cleaners and then it comes back pretty and neat on a hanger It wasn't supposed to be like this.
- I agree.
But can we talk about this? - No! Last week you danced with Billy.
Does this have his name on it? I'm about to have an affair with another married man.
Are you? It just was on sale.
I don't mean to be insulting, but you aren't sexually spontaneous.
You won't sleep with a man unless you storyboard it first.
This means something.
This has an intended.
Who is it? - I don't have to tell you! - I agree.
You don't.
No.
But if you were going to tell me, who is it? Omar Sharif.
- Omar what? - Sharif.
Omar Sharif.
You don't know who he is? He's the guy in Funny Girl, who shows up at the stage door.
The guy who just walks in from another world.
The guy who's looking for my door.
If they ask you about this at your hearing I wouldn't give that answer.
- Okay.
It was definitely with malice.
What you can't tell from the video is that she locked her ankle.
There was no give to it.
Ma'am, the video does speak for what happened.
Our interest lies in her mental state leading to the event.
Did she seem erratic to you? Anyone who would commit mayhem for a potato chip What we are trying to get at is her demeanor, her emotional state.
You don't have to argue the merits of what happened.
Did she sound unstable? Why ask this woman when you're providing answers yourself? This is an equivalent of a traffic dispute.
You're leading her to testify - Rules of evidence don't apply here.
- How about the rules of fairness? Why don't you sit down and humor us? I apologize for Mr.
Thomas' hostility as much as I stress the need for civility he continues to react to witch hunts particularly when they're so blatant.
That wasn't constructive.
- Neither were you.
I was angry.
- I didn't insult them.
It's not like you to be human, much less show it.
- It's a witch hunt, right? - Has to be.
The Board doesn't just haul people in Billy, is she? The word around the courthouse is she's shaky.
Why? She hasn't done anything Cheanie left us.
Took his business elsewhere.
- That's a personal thing.
- He said part of it was personal but He doesn't trust her.
She strikes him as being a little unstable.
- She's fine.
- She's still in love with you.
- No, she's not.
- It's too much working with you - She's fine.
- Okay.
You've seemed tense since she's been here too.
- I don't know what you mean.
- Seriously.
From deep inside the tears I'm forced to cry From deep inside the pain I chose to hide Just walk away, Renee It's time to leave this law firm.
- Why? - You're in love with Billy.
- I'm not! - I see it.
You're up, you're down.
- Happy one minute, sad the next.
- What about before that firm? One day just like the next, like the next, like the next.
It's not dull here.
I know that I'm alive.
I'll say this once.
You won't see me follow You back home She's talking to you.
- Lf you stay, protect yourself.
- How? When I broke up with Willy Boot, remember 2nd year? - Oh, do I.
- Yeah.
Anytime I bumped into him, I'd imagine his new girlfriend all over him.
It kept me from getting sucked back in.
I'm not getting sucked back in.
Nobody's sucking me anywhere.
- Lf you say so.
- I say so.
Ms.
Vassal, you work for Ms.
McBeal? I like to think I work with her.
Autonomy is important for personal esteem and I've always nurtured mine.
I'm in constant preparation to be a mother.
You like Ms.
McBeal? - Very much.
- You have no agenda against her? - Very much not.
- Okay.
We subpoenaed you because do you recall making statements about Ms.
McBeal? No, I do not.
- You've never talked about her? - I talk about her all the time.
I also have allergies but I couldn't recall a specific sneeze.
Do you recall saying, in your opinion Ms.
McBeal was on the verge of a nervous breakdown? Did you say that, Ms.
Vassal? One time I thought she was struggling, but - You did say it? - To explain why she was acting crazy.
Did you ever tell anybody she was two-thirds of a Rice Krispie? "She's already snapped and crackled, and she's close to the final pop"? Did you make that representation? Sometimes I say things to make people think I'm a wordsmith.
Do you think she's on the verge of a nervous breakdown? Absolutely not.
- Is Ms.
McBeal a mentally fit person? - She certainly is.
Since she's your boss, do you feel duress to say that? Let me tell you something.
Not only do I like her, but I trust her as a lawyer.
I've vested her with getting the patent on my face bra.
Your what? My revolutionary invention to reduce aging: The face bra.
Wrinkles can just be a function of gravity.
It's a miracle mask.
- Shall I demonstrate? - No.
- Yes.
- No, I'd like to stick to Ms.
McBeal.
Take a number.
Why did you say she was about to have a breakdown? I like being the center of conversation.
Sometimes you have to embellish to stay centered.
One more thing.
She was only erratic at that funeral 'cause she had an extramarital affair with the dead professor.
Her emotional instability that everyone talks about is because she's working with a man that she still loves.
It isn't that absurd, since they were sweethearts since childhood.
They'd sniff each other's buttocks.
There is nothing wrong with her.
I am so sorry.
I said those things to explain.
I should've known I was dead as soon as you sided with me.
At times my motives can be misconstrued, but please believe me.
I would never mean to undermine you.
You are my favorite boss ever.
With the troubles that you get yourself into I love coming in here every day.
It was Ronald Cheanie that you told those things to in my defense? I don't want to say.
It'll cause us more friction.
Don't worry, because I'm done with the guy.
I can't believe that he would go to the Bar.
- It wasn't Ronald Cheanie that I told.
- Then who? - Judge Cone.
- Whipper? To let her know why you butt in between her and Richard and that you didn't act with malice! Whipper.
The Whipper.
- I had no choice.
- No choice? If I hear that another member may be mentally unstable - Please! - It's my obligation my duty to report it.
Any lawyer has that duty.
- As a judge I feel very - Now you start acting like a judge? I didn't tell the Bar I believed Elaine.
I reported it was told to me.
You wouldn't have if you didn't think she was right.
Not many young associates charge into a judge's office and question her right to wear the robe.
You cheated on Richard.
I'm on the Board of Overseers.
I know you punched the pedestrian.
There are rumors that you are a bit erratic.
What? Jack Billings started the rumors after you sued him.
Add to that two physical assaults, shoplifting and a secretary saying you're having a nervous breakdown.
I had to have them check you out.
- Do you think I'm nuts? - No.
But I'm not sure you have two feet on the ground either.
Do you mean some people do? Sometimes I'm tempted to become a street person, cut off from society.
But then I wouldn't get to wear my outfits.
What were you thinking when you stuck your foot out? If she left with the Pringles, it shouldn't be proudly.
I didn't want her to fall, especially into canned goods.
Have you ever undergone any impulse-control therapy, Ms.
McBeal? No.
I have never undergone impulse-control therapy.
Since I had the luck of being at last week's funeral where you so oddly eulogized the deceased Ms.
Vassal filled in some of the blanks there.
I had an adulterous affair with him and I am not proud of it.
His wife asked me to eulogize him.
The circumstances were extreme.
If I lacked poise, I apologize.
I'm picking up a little contempt in your tone.
Then I should apologize for that too, shouldn't I? Ms.
McBeal, if you have anger, feel free to express it.
But you would judge me for it, Your Honor.
It'd be wiser for me to pray you should happen by me doing groceries.
Now, imagine a young lawyer.
Her future lying in your hands.
Who would say that? She would be crazy or you'd have to be enough of an ass to deserve the remark.
Since you're the judge, you decide, but not until I finish.
And I haven't finished! That woman abused me.
I overreacted, but there was a context.
The other evidence against me, about me being emotional? Falling in love with men whose bottoms I've smelled? Submitting x-rays to a judge with a tooth fetish, who sleeps with hookers? Snapping at pedestrians who think a square shoulder can be excused? I am human! I am temperamental! I am guilty! Now I'm finished.
You certainly are.
How could you do that? - You have a death wish? - I wasn't going to kowtow.
There is something between kowtowing and launching grenades.
I'm crazy! Doesn't everyone say that? I'm a lunatic.
Tomorrow I'll stand up and plead PMS.
- Out! - Snappish stereo! Ally.
I gotta admit, you do seem a little off-balance.
Who wants to be balanced? Balance is overrated.
What if I don't want to be balanced? You should be happy, and you don't seem happy.
Happiness is overrated too.
- You and Cheanie, is there? - No.
It's not my business, but why did you buy contraception? - Forget it.
It's none of my business.
- It certainly is.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried about you.
Did you ever buy a lottery ticket? - What? - Did you ever buy a lottery ticket? - A couple of times, maybe.
Why? - I buy them sometimes.
Not that I think I would ever win but I like to hold it in my hand and think: "What if?" That's why I bought that contraceptive jelly, I thought, "What if?" What if I'm walking down the street I march into somebody and we know we're meant for each other and it's like Barbra Streisand and Omar Sharif but instead of singing about it, we go make passionate love.
- Girls have dreams like that.
- But I doubt many buy the spermicide.
It was my lottery ticket.
It's come to that.
My lottery ticket is a tube of jelly.
Remember that time in the dark, we reached for it and grabbed the Crest.
- And you liked it.
- You said I was - Minty.
How did I get to be such a mess so soon in my life? You've always been ahead of your time.
Tomorrow, you'll have to make a summary statement.
Apologize for today's behavior.
If you stay contained, respectful, you'll be okay.
- All right.
- Good night.
- Try to get a good night's sleep.
- I will.
Night.
I'll be okay.
Wrong chambers again, Happy.
Oh, damn.
I don't know why I keep walking in a door too soon.
One of these days I'm apt to come in and catch you naked.
And you'd just ask to see my teeth.
Good catching up with you.
I have penile atrophy, you know? That's nice.
Good to see you.
All right.
See you.
Wait.
- Can I talk to you? - Sure.
You reported Ally McBeal to the Bar? The potato-chip girl? Pushy.
- Do you think she's unstable? - She seems to get violent.
Word around here is, she's too emotional, sues people.
She's a pretty little thing.
Maybe she thinks she can get away with it.
Yeah.
Thanks.
My mole says they're still on the fence.
If you act civilized, humble, remorseful you'll get a light censure.
Can you? There's something else I could say that might be helpful.
- Sometimes she looks snappish.
- Ready? - Ready.
- Let's go.
Ms.
McBeal, if you'd like to add to yesterday's testimony or if you'd like to make any final remarks, you may do so now.
Well I would like to conclude by saying that I am sorry about the incident at the supermarket.
I realize I have been under stress with my new job.
But I would ask you to trust me and the members of my firm to ensure no matter what my personal struggles may be the representation of our clients will never be compromised.
Would you be willing to undergo a psychiatric evaluation? Would you? A friend wouldn't take a urine test once because he had no time to study.
Evaluations Richard, sit down! Now! I came here prepared to say all the right things, and And I think that you have.
What is she guilty of? You don't drag in every attorney who commits a crime.
Every attorney who appears emotionally unstable or mentally unfit A man acts passionate, he's impassioned.
A woman, she's emotional.
I'm confused.
Not only was it another woman asking us to investigate her, it was you! - And I was wrong.
- Yes, ding-dong! The bell doesn't unring quite so loudly.
Twenty minutes ago, a half-naked Happy Boyle said she was pushy.
"A pretty little thing, she'll learn.
" Let's admit it.
She stands most guilty of being female young, attractive and how dare she be aggressive.
Forgive me.
You're an able judge.
But as character references go, you don't turn tides.
- You're a bit of a kook yourself.
- Hey! I am on this Board.
You're not sitting today nor should you be.
Do you mean to sell yourself as objective? Twenty minutes from now you'll fondle Mr.
Fish on his favorite futon.
We know the scoop on you.
Go tease your hair and let us do our business.
All right.
That's enough from everybody.
Judge Cone, thank you.
We will consider your changed position.
Consider that the smallest suspension will affect her whole career.
Thank you, we get that.
Now, Ms.
McBeal is there anyone else to champion your interests or might you quit while only slightly behind? I'd like to be heard.
Splendid.
First, in the spirit of no surprises it was my bottom she smelled We were high school sweethearts.
We're still close.
That might make me less objective but I know her better than anyone else.
And I don't care what kind of club this is.
We're all better off with her in it.
When I was studying for the Bar, I had this great professor.
Did she sleep with him? He said some would see the law in black and white.
They'd do fine.
Some can't tell the black from white.
They'd flunk.
Then some could tell the black from the white and see all the grays.
And they'd be doomed forever.
Ally's faced with some of that doom.
She sees grays.
She tries to make sense of an arena that's messy Is there anybody here who knows what he's talking about? What I'm talking about is she knows, she knows.
Whatever the virtues of balance, it's just a pleasant form of insanity.
That clears it up.
Anything else? This is a woman who isn't afraid to be emotional.
She isn't scared of being weak.
She's tougher than anybody in this room.
She knows the part of being alive is being willing to get into the same room with your pain and Whatever virus you think she's got, we should all be so lucky to be infec - You all have been.
- Hey! - Bygones.
- Sit! All I'll say is I know her.
I know this woman.
There's only one of her.
Trust me.
And if you use your gavel to even slightly squash what makes her You don't know her.
- How long before they decide? - They said soon, which isn't good.
I never saw your closing arguments, but you're usually better, right? I did the best I could, Richard.
Thanks for being here.
Even if they suspend you, how severe could it be? - Whipper said any suspension - They're back.
- They've called you in.
- Bye.
Without passing judgment on your emotional state Ms.
McBeal, there are two things we can safely conclude.
One, you have a devoted following.
Two, if we rule against you, you'd appeal and we'd be see you and hear you and all of these people again.
As deterrents go, I can think of none more effective.
By unanimous vote, three to zero, we choose not to suspend you.
May God help us all.
He lives in my neighborhood When he walks by He looks so good - What? - I think my testimony swayed them.
I agree, but we won anyway.
That was real teamwork.
We even rode the Whip! I'm still sorry I helped cause it all.
Will you forgive me? Bygones.
- I feel like snacking on a twin.
- Hey, me too.
- Whip, Elaine, double-team me.
- You got it.
- Elaine.
- Absolutely.
Oh, my goodness.
I'm going to meet you at home.
I'm zonked.
- What? - We have to celebrate.
You have that whole tube to use up.
- Shut up.
- Okay.
- Congratulations.
- Thanks.
- And, thank you.
- I don't know that what I said helped.
It didn't.
Trust me.
- Well.
- Well.
I better make sure those twins don't get my wife.
Yeah.
- I'll be back.
- Oh, yeah.
Hey, Dad.
I'm great.
How are you? How's Mom? Yeah, yeah, I guess it is kind of late but I was leaving my office and I thought I'd call and say, "Hey!" No, everything's fine.
Kind of a tough week, but Yeah.
Normal.
Anyway, I just That was all.
I just called to say, "Hey!" Yeah, we do.
Maybe I can make it over next week.
Yeah.
Anyway, I'll let you get back to bed.
Okay.
Love you.
Bye.
Dad? I know I've got it great, really.
Good job.
Good friends.
Loving family.
Total freedom and long bubble baths.
What else could there be? You stinker!