Almost Heroes (2011) s01e05 Episode Script

Hey, Peter, I thought of a great new promotion for the store- Wow.
I'll leave you two love birds alone.
And Peter hang on to this one.
It feels right.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Laugh if you want to.
I just did.
It was good.
But this is the kind of promotion we need.
Cannons away! It's Colonel Cannon! Oh, I remember that show.
Fought crime every week by shooting himself out of a cannon for some reason.
And check this out.
Dirk Masters, TV's original Colonel Cannon, is in town shooting a commercial Oh, my God! Don't care.
For high fibre bacon.
You know, the breakfast treat you can enjoy on the toilet.
Is that their slogan? That reminded me they're reissuing the first Colonel Cannon comic this month! Oh my God! Still don't care.
You will.
Remember how his ArchNemesis was the Rat King? Oh no, no, we're not giving away rats.
I already bought them.
You what? Don't worry, all two hundred of them are safe and sound in this cage.
Huh.
They're all gone.
Of course they are.
I must have left the lid off.
Probably for the best.
Go on.
Well, all the rats that were left over, I was gonna feed to our new pet snake.
What pet snake? That twelve foot boa constrictor in that cage right there.
Huh.
It's gone, too.
ry: Just out of curiosity.
What was in that cage? You don't want to know.
er: You're mad, aren't you? I'm a little mad, yeah.
Because of the rats.
Uh mostly the rats.
The important thing is we did something fun today to celebrate Colonel Cannon.
We run a business.
It's not supposed to be fun.
It's a comic book shop.
Everything about it is supposed to be fun.
I used to brush my teeth with tang! Why would you brush your teeth with tang? Because I wanted to smile like an astronaut! Ever since you came back, it's been all money, money, bitches and honey.
Okay, that is a terrific impression of me.
But it's not true.
Oh yeah? You're all about the bottom line.
You're Mr.
buy high, sell low! See, that's exactly why you're not allowed near the money.
Fine.
Then I'll just get away from you and your precious "the money".
Agh! Damn it! Why did I put all the rat traps back here? Son of a- ow! That was on a pinkie.
What was that all about? Is he gonna be okay? Yeah, he'll be all right.
I'll buy him dinner next door at Luigi's.
Who can stay mad after all-you-can-eat garlic bread? Yeah, they closed.
What are you talking about? They just opened.
Apparently the health inspector was there this morning and he found rats.
That's ridiculous.
Why would we release a bunch of rats? Excuse me? What? Nothing.
There you are.
Ah, on the house.
Thanks.
Now I've gotta find a tenant who likes the smell of garlic and rat poison.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Hey, a snake! One double decaf mochaccino, easy on the foam.
Well? Aren't you going to ask me? Ask you what? Why I'm so happy even though I hate my job and Candi just told me I look like a pile of failure in a hat.
You're not wearing a hat.
I know.
What a bitch.
Why are you so happy? Drunk? No! I am dating the best guy! He's a bouncer who also does a little cage fighting.
But I know that underneath it all, even though I have no reason to believe it, he's super thoughtful and sweet and- he just broke up with me! What? God, I am so tired of dating jerks! What happened to that guy Keaton? He seemed nice.
Yeah.
That's the problem.
If the guy's too nice, I become the jerk.
Have moved to France.
Do not follow.
Smiley face.
Leave the chocolates.
The point is I love chocolate.
I think you'll find this is the perfect location for your daycare.
Uh, Rayna, I don't think that's a good idea.
Why not? Let's say there's something wrong with the store.
Something snaky.
Don't be ridiculous, Boyd.
I'm so sorry.
Where did all your kids go? Oh my God, the children- are over there looking at the snake.
Oh wow, a snake.
I did not see that coming.
Really? Isn't that what you were trying to warn me about? No.
They just waxed the floor in there.
It's slippery.
You said snaky.
Did I? That's weird.
Hey, Peter.
We need to talk.
What's wrong? Am I having too much fun? I am a robot.
Beep beep.
I am filing comics.
I have no heart.
I was built to hate! What are you doing? I am being a robot.
To prove I am not having fun at work.
Uh kinda looks like more fun.
Yeah, it really is.
Look, I thought about what you said and you're right.
So I say, for once, we forget about the money and have all the fun you want.
Oh my God, call a taxi.
We're going to the wave pool! Wow.
You know how long I've been wearing these trunks under these tear-aways for? Six weeks.
All right.
Or, even better, we spend the afternoon with your hero, Colonel Cannon! Yeah, right.
He's not real, is he? No.
Of course not.
Unless he is? I knew he was! No, but actor slash regularity spokesman Dirk Masters is.
And I've invited him here.
Today.
For you.
Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! You're freaking out.
I'm freaking out! Breathe.
Breathe.
Terry, this is the best thing you've ever done! I hope he brings his Cannon of Justness! He said he would.
Ah! Okay, I'm going, I'm going.
I gotta get this store ready.
Ooh! er: Colonel Cannon's gonna love this banner.
He sure will.
Hey, this could be a huge promotion for us.
Whatever do you mean, Pete? I mean, would pay a lot of money to meet Colonel Cannon! Golly, do you think that would work? I think we could charge twenty bucks a head.
Let's make it forty.
Wow.
Turning Colonel Cannon's visit into a promotion.
Great idea.
I can't believe you didn't think of it first, Terry.
What can I say? I'm all about the fun now.
Right, Pete? Colonel Cannon could be a huge promotion for us.
We could charge people to meet him.
I bet they'd pay twenty dollars a head.
Ah, let's make it forty.
Fun guy of the year.
I owe it all to the fans.
Welcome Colonel Cannon? Dirk Masters is coming here? Uh-huh.
When did he get out of rehab? Come again? Rehab.
You know, after he was arrested for firing his neighbour's dog out of a Cannon? I did not have that information.
Why would he do that? Because he's an insane, violent drunk.
Don't you kids read the tabloids? Peter's hero is a drunk? You read the tabloids? You know you should never meet your heroes.
I met my favourite pro wrestler last year, Judge Evil.
He turned out to be a super nice guy.
So disappointing.
Well Pete's gonna be crushed.
He really is.
If he finds out, which he won't.
We just have to make sure there's no booze around.
Man, you're a jerk.
Did you just pinch my butt? Yes.
What? No.
Excuse me Oh, the Cannon-mobile's here.
Oh, he brought the Cannon of Justness! He's walking up to the door! He's opening the door! He's opening the door! Oh, he's coming inside! He's coming inside! Please slow down! Oh my God, oh my God.
Hi.
He said hi to me! He's shaking my hand.
And I'm never going to let go ever ever.
Now he's looking at me weird Okay, all right, Mr.
Masters.
Welcome to Silver Salmon.
The pleasure's mine.
I met your father at a fan expo in '78.
He's a wonderful man.
He's Terry.
I'm Peter.
I'm your biggest fan.
When I was a kid, I built my own Colonel Cannon costume, and my own Colonel Cannon cannon that I shot myself out of, and I broke both my arms, so don't try it.
I'm Bernie.
Enchante.
Oh, would you like a cup of Cannon punch? Don't mind if I do.
And you were worried.
He's delightful.
Sure, if you like sweet old guys.
Peter, where did you get that punch from? Oh, I made it myself.
I just got the recipe.
Frozen lemonade - Yeah.
- some strawberries.
- Strawberries - A little orange zest - Orange zest - And some booze.
- Yeah, a lot of booze.
- Booze Yeah, don't be shy with the booze.
Got it.
Noooo! Ahhh Now, what can I tell ya about the show.
Oh, did you know that my sidekick died? Twice? He wasn't the original Buckshot Boy? That's not so bad That's less encouraging.
Maybe he's a lovable drunk.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Cannon guy, maybe you should slow down a little bit there.
No one tells Colonel Cannon to slow down.
Unless you're one of those evil-doers, in which case Get me my Cannon! No evil here.
No, we do good! Woman, get me a drink! Oh, my God.
He's a monster.
Oh, I wonder if he's single? C'mon! Come away with me to my shack for a dirty weekend.
You mean it? Yeah, nothin' serious, though.
I'm a world famous superhero.
I'm just gonna use you and throw you away like an empty can of Ovaltine, but- Shhh.
Stop drilling, you've hit oil.
I'll go pack.
Miss you already! This went different in my mind.
I'm sure.
Should we remind Bernie that she's trying to stop dating assholes? Actually, I think we should duck.
Why? He's got a gun! You damn rat! My arch enemy! Ya wanna dance rat king? I'll lead! Colonel Cannon doesn't have a gun! Colonel Cannon doesn't have six ex-wives either.
He's out of bullets, let's go.
But apparently he's not out of guns.
I'm going to be killed by the one man I ever wanted to save me.
I didn't book Colonel Cannon for you, I booked him for the money! You what?! I knew he was a raging, violent drunk and I booked him anyway.
Okay, okay.
I can die with a clear conscience.
rk: Keep yer panties on, boys.
I'm not gonna shoot you.
Then what's the gun for? You ever hear of Russian roulette? Ha-ha.
You hear that? That's the only thing that makes me feel alive anymore.
Peter, you don't have to do this.
Don't tell me what I have to do.
No, no I mean you literally don't have to do this.
And I literally can't believe that I trusted you.
Hm.
Oh! Peter stop! What? Do you think I want to do this? Do you think I have a choice? - Ah! - Yes! Yes, you do! Next time he hands you the gun - you keep it! Oh yeah, Right.
Give me that.
Ah, thank God! This horrible nightmare is over.
Now let's say we get you outside And sign some autographs! Ah oh My heart! You killed him! Oh, my God! You killed him! All right, Peter.
Slow down.
No one killed anyone, okay? The gunshot must have startled him into a heart attack.
Either way, he's dead, man and it's all your fault! Peter, I'm sorry.
All right? But we need to work together.
Fine.
I'll dial nine.
And you dial the other two ones.
No, no, no.
I spent our rent to get him here.
If we don't have this signing, we are screwed.
Are you suggesting that we re-animate him into some kind of walking dead abomination just to sign a few autographs? Because I am in.
I'm just saying maybe there's a way that we can buy ourselves a couple of hours before we call the cops.
Terry, Peter, I need to speak with you.
Right now! Please? Fine.
But I'm still mad.
Okay.
Coming! Rayna.
Hi.
Lovely as ever.
Did I hear gunshots? That's ridiculous! Why we woud be playing Russian roulette? - What? - What?! What? Nothing.
What is going on in there? There are definitely no dead bodies in there.
Okay, just try not to ruin any more of my showings, all right? We killed a guy.
What, am I turning into Peter? It's all under control, promise! Excuse me When is the signing gonna start? Just out of curiosity, what would you do if instead of a signing, we just watched a few classic episodes? We'd demand our money back.
I understand.
And we'd start smashing windows.
Fair enough.
And some other form of escalation we haven't thought of yet! I don't know Maybe fire?! Yeah! Fire! Fire.
He'll be out in a jiff! Perfect.
Now we have a dead body in the back and a bunch of angry nerds out front.
And they're gonna kill us when they find out that we don't have Colonel Cannon.
What're we gonna do? Weekend at Bernie'sTwo.
Now I really want to try it.
What we need is a whole new Colonel Cannon.
By the way, where exactly did you put the real one? Let's just say he's somewhere no one will ever find him.
Candi, I'm taking tomorrow off and there's nothing you can do about it.
Oh, your fancy undies.
Is your cousin in town? You know, the one you kissed by accident in grade seven? For your information, I haven't seen her in years.
Seriously, where are you going? I'm getting ready for a weekend with my boyfriend.
"Weekend with my boyfriend"? Is that like a new ice cream flavour or something? If you must know, I found the man of my dreams.
He's famous, talented, rugged.
Sure, he's emotionally distant and an alcoholic.
And yes, he gets a little grabby Why? You're right.
Why am I dating him? He's just the kind of jerk I said I would avoid.
No.
Why would he grab you? He's almost like a male version of you.
What is wrong with me? I thought I made that pretty clear.
Maybe I've been settling because I don't think I deserve any better, but I do.
No, you don't.
Pretending to be Colonel Cannon is not gonna be that easy.
Really? Can't I just get up there and yell cannons away? Hah! As if.
Right, they're gonna hit you with every question in the book.
Like what? The show only ran thirteen episodes And every one of them ended with him shooting himself out of a Cannon.
Okay, how did he defeat the Cajun Bomber? He shot himself out of a cannon.
Fine, how did he get to the church on time in a very special wedding episode? He shot himself out of a cannon.
All right, how did he escape.
Dr.
Shrinkster's sinister shrink ray? He shot himself out of a cannon.
Half right.
A very small cannon? Boom! You nailed it! Okay, here's how it's gonna go.
I'm gonna be here in case anybody stumps you Don't worry, I have your back.
Colonel Cannon! Colonel Cannon! Uh you.
The one with the question.
He picked me! In your epic battle with the Koala Claw, what did you whisper in his ear right before you budgeoned him to death with his own didjeridoo? Umm uhhh Oh my God! That's such a good question! Answer it, Colonel Cannon! Answer it! Cannon's away?! Let's sign some autographs.
All right, get in here.
You, up to the front.
Come on in here You know, a wedding cake shop is just what this mall could use.
What's going on over there? That? Oh, it's just a little comic book store.
Ignore it.
I try to.
It looks so busy.
Must be great for the mall.
Uh, yes, it's always that busy.
Come on, let's continue our tour.
Okay.
ie: Dirk, we've gotta talk.
Actually, I've gotta talk.
My name is Bernie.
Not hot ass or sweet cheeks, or sugar feet, which was just weird.
The point is, I am done with jerks like you, okay? So you have to start treating me with the respect I deserve or just drop dead! The last thing I said to him was drop dead.
That doesn't make me some kind of murderer, does it? Say it again! Cannons away! Will this hold the weight of a limp body killed by love's cruel words? Obviously.
Great.
Thanks.
This is going great! I sure wish colonel Cannon was here.
Peter, oh right! Sorry.
Hello, boys.
Ahh! Dan! I mean, stranger.
Who is completely unknown to me Colonel Cannon.
Shut up, Terry.
Ha ha! Terry? You must be delirious from having such a small penis.
Well, if you really are Colonel Cannon He is.
And not that asshole, Terry Who I hear is quite charming.
Then I'm sure you'll be ending this appearance the way Colonel Cannon always does Obviously.
By shooting yourself out of a cannon.
He did what now?! I mean I would, but uh Sadly my cannon operator called in sick With car trouble.
yd: You can count on me, colonel man.
I'm a fully-licensed cannoneer! an: Do it Or admit you're not the real Colonel Cannon and give every one of these bed-wetters their money back.
Cannons away! er: Terry, Terry You don't need to do this.
Trust me, you can break both your arms or worse.
It's just money.
Peter, this time it's not about the money.
It's about making things right with my brother.
You're doing this for me? Okay, it's also about money, but mostly for you.
See you on the other side, bro.
ie: Peter! I accidentally killed Dirk with my new-found self-respect.
Oh God, it feels so good to confess! Uh, actually, Terry and I accidently killed him with a heart attack.
You killed him? You killed him, too! Huh.
I guess I didn't have to hide the body.
What? Friends, do we really need to see a man launch himself out of a cannon, in an explosion of fire and smoke, shooting through the air like some sort of cannon angel? Flipping through the sky gloriously, as he descends like a mighty, mighty comet! In a blaze of fire, landing safely on the ground and giving us two thumbs up - is that something you really wanna see? So do I! It's so so cool! Cannons away! Cannons away! C'mon Terry.
It's just a cannon.
An exploding gun machine, built for killing.
I'm gonna die Hey, what are you doing in here? Such a bustling location! Great, well then let's get that lease signed.
What are they doing, some kind of show? Fans chant: Cannons away! Cannons away! Are you sure this is gonna work? I don't see why it wouldn't.
I used all of the gun powder.
Excellent.
Terry really is a hero.
I mean, he's gonna shoot himself out of a cannon.
Mostly for me? He's the best! He sure is.
I know, right? Terry? What? Yeah.
I chickened out, but I found a substitute I think you'll approve of.
Who? Dirk Masters himself.
Now we can give Colonel Cannon a true hero's send off.
Oh no oh no Awesome.
Sure no problem.
Yep, classic Death by Cannon.
We get a lot of these this time of year.
Really? So, we're not in trouble? Of course not, it's not like he died and you stuffed him in the cannon, right? Anyway, I gotta get going, I'm late for court.
All right.
What is wrong with our police department? I don't know.
Well, I promised you a fun day.
Terry, a man died today And it was still the best day of my life.
Thank you.
Guess who just got one of the paramedic's numbers! Oh, the guy with the wedding ring? Yeah, but he explained that.
See, he still loves his wife, but he doesn't really like her anymore.
So I think it's fair game.