Almost There (2016) s01e05 Episode Script
British Invasion
1 Jackson Cooper, I want to commend you.
That was some Grade-A bullshit.
- I don't understand.
- Oh, no, no.
Let me finish.
That was some transcendent, glow-in-the-dark cow shit.
It was almost as if you rehearsed that lunatic monologue.
Did you? You know, your bedside manner leaves a little something to be desired.
Well, I think your bullshit leaves a lot to be desired.
All right, so you didn't agree with my narrative, that it was accurate.
- Is that what you're saying? - I think it's bullshit.
Okay, are you gonna have some sort of psychological assessment at any point in the future, or are you just gonna apply the word "bullshit"? - Just bullshit.
- Why do I keep coming here? What am I paying for? You want your money back? Fine.
I want my time back.
I don't know why I keep coming here when all you do is antagonize me.
Oh, oh! I antagonize you? You just spent the better part of an hour telling me how you're happy having had a full dance card of one-night stands this past week.
- Happy.
- Okay, so my word choice offends you? Yes, it does-- deeply.
What psychologically minded person uses the word "happy"? It's a five-letter word that means absolutely nothing.
Only lobotomized Republicans and-- and-- and Pharrell use the word "happy.
" Ira, I'm living in the moment.
Okay? I meet a woman.
I'm-- I'm-- I'm into her.
She's into me.
We're honest about what's happening.
Did you know that in Sweden, having a one-night stand is as common as brushing your teeth? Where do you hear this bullshit?! Some woman in the club.
Is that anything like a woman at a bar who's your "soul mate"? I looked.
I searched.
It's over.
I can't do the Natalie thing anymore.
I'm defecting to Sweden.
If you continue down this path, Jackson Cooper-- and this may sound dramatic, but I'm afraid if you continue down this path of feckless recklessness, you'll never find your way back.
We've still got five minutes left.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
"Feckless recklessness"? Once you start sounding more pseudopoetic than Alanis Morissette, it's time for me to go.
You're upset because I'm right.
Nope, I'm upset because I want my therapist to be smarter than me or at least sound smarter than me.
- "Than I.
" - Than I.
What? I do sound smarter than you because I am smarter than you.
- And do you know why? - Humility? - Reality.
- Well, I'm sorry for boring you.
You're not getting credit for the last five minutes.
Well, maybe I'll never come back.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Hey Oh, my love, let me be your fire We're a thousand miles up and I'm about to get higher Feel my heart beating out my chest You're the only prayer I need to make me feel blessed Singing oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh You make me feel blessed, you make me feel blessed You're the only prayer I need to make me feel blessed All right, one large red dragon, extra spirulina.
[SIGHS.]
- Hi.
- Hi.
Can I help you? Ah, yeah.
I-i would like a Um a coffee? A juice? Yeah, a juice.
Okay.
Hi.
Hi.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- Hey.
I knocked.
- Hey.
What do you think about ferrets? Would it surprise you to know that I don't think about ferrets? Well, you got to think about ferrets.
- Get your thinking cap on.
- Carter.
They're illegal in New York.
- What are? - Ferrets.
- Well, good.
- So I made a delivery last night, and I got paid in a ferret.
You got paid in ferret? Yeah.
Her name is Paula.
[SMOOCHES.]
And, my god, I want-- I want her.
Okay.
You can have a pit bull, but you can't have this beautiful-- this beautiful ferret.
I'm gonna make it my cause.
Okay.
Ferrets are the unsung pet.
Yep.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Hi.
Nice ferret.
You know, you were totally right.
The Kale is so much better than the spinach.
Right? Twice as much "C" and protein.
Less potassium, but you throw in a banana.
Delicious.
I'm feeling healthier already.
- Thanks for last night.
- It was fun.
Um, come on.
I'll walk you out.
Oh.
Nice to meet you.
Get home safe.
- Thank you.
- All right.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[ZIPPER CLOSES.]
"Throw in a banana"? Take it easy.
- That's the juice girl.
- That's the juice woman.
The woman that works in the juice place around the corner.
Pineapple, flax, lemon, Kale-- delicious.
You're gonna make it so that you don't even have to leave the apartment.
- What are you talking about? - You got the neighbor.
Tiffany? Nothing happened with her.
You got the juice lady.
What do you care? You don't even juice.
"Juice" should not be a verb.
Okay, Carter, I have to grade these papers.
How can I ever go back inside the juice place? You just go back in there.
We're consenting adults.
It's gonna be awkward for me.
You want to talk about all the moments that you made it awkward for me? This not about me right now, okay? This is about you.
Johanna Colley and the aloe Vera plant.
It helps with burns.
It does.
Freddy Fasano when he got stung in the face with a jellyfish.
It's a fact that urine helps the sting.
You peed In his mouth.
I peed on the sting in his mouth.
Look, I don't want to bring this up right now.
I don't want to-- I don't want to start talking about this, but I am gonna talk about this, and I'm gonna say it.
Cooper, you might be a slut.
Okay.
Goodbye, Carter.
Okay.
Can I borrow your computer? Buddy, I have to take it to work.
I'll use the iPad.
What do you need my iPad for? 'Cause I'm doing my petition, and you're gonna sign it.
[SIGHS.]
Okay.
I'll sign your petition.
Ferrets are people, too.
They're not, actually.
- Well, you know what I mean.
- Mm, I don't.
God.
You're a grumpy slut.
[FERRET CHATTERS.]
I can't help you.
- [BRITISH ACCENT.]
I think you can.
- Nigel, I hung up that hat years ago.
I'm-- I'm here solely in a teaching capacity.
- I don't believe it.
- Well, believe it.
Just hear me out.
Okay.
I am not gonna give you dating advice.
Well, you gave it to the country for years.
I did not-- I would go on the occasional talk show, and I would speak to politicians about their hubris towards women.
You know, I think I come off too academic.
- Nigel - All head, no heart.
If you know what your problem is, then why don't you fix it? When I try, I come off as disingenuous.
Women love British accents.
When they come in period costume on BBC.
All right.
Dress up.
- Coop.
- I can't do it.
I hate to say this, but you owe me.
You're right.
Nigel, you have no idea how grateful I am that you are the linchpin for me teaching here.
- You were not Harty's first choice.
- I know.
Or 20th.
That, I didn't know.
Thank you for telling me that.
Why don't we go out? I'll-- I'll see you in action.
- Great.
- Let's have a drink tonight.
Okay.
I'm your wingman.
Yeah.
Well, copilot.
I'm having drinks later.
[CHUCKLES.]
[THUD.]
Blast.
[KEYS JINGLE.]
Where's Jackson? Hello to you, too.
What's that smell? [SNIFFS.]
What smell? It's Musky.
It's not me.
I showered today.
- "Today"? - Yeah.
You know, if you shower every day, you inhibit the body's ability to generate the naturally occurring oils that keep your skin smooth.
Here.
Feel mine.
I'm not touching-- [SNIFFS.]
Oh, it's you! Eugggh! - Cooper's not here.
- And you are.
I'm working on a petition-- ferrets.
You know, they're the perfect apartment pet but not legal in New York City.
You know what? Please don't explain yourself to me.
Cooper's at work.
My friend is coming in from London.
Yeah? I wonder if ferrets are legal in London.
Yeah, she's one of my besties.
How's this? "Ferret out the bad guys.
Legalize pet ferrets.
" Okay, ferrets are rats, and there were far too many "ferrets" in that sentence.
- They're misunderstood.
- Like you? Well, they're carnivores.
They sleep like 18 hours a day.
- Like you? - They're completely domesticated.
- [LAUGHS.]
Unlike you.
- Mm.
No, no! No! No, no, no, no! No! No! [COUGHS.]
DIANE: Does he have a candle or something? I feel like I need to light a match.
He doesn't like people in his bedroom.
I want Jackson to meet Maisy.
They're gonna hit it off.
Why? Is she easy? What?! No.
He's on a rampage right now.
- All right? I'm worried.
- Yeah.
I know he is.
That's the idea.
[SNIFFS.]
That's good.
Oh, god! No! Not near Paula! - Not near Paula! - You stink! No, no.
It's like I smell like I'm "Magnum P.
I.
" And I love Maisy.
- She needs this.
- You're nuts! Look, Maisy's on the rebound, okay? She's flying in with a broken heart.
I just know she won't be able to refuse Jackson's advances, and I know Jackson won't be able to refuse advancing on her, so win-win.
So you're like a pimp.
Don't tell him.
Don't tell him you're gonna use his weakness to help your friend? I mean, it-- not-- not like that.
It's more like a mutually beneficial The man is a shell of himself.
He's slutting around like a frat boy.
- How does that help him? - Hey.
I'm not kidding.
Don't get involved.
Maisy needs this.
I think the pregnancy's addled your brain.
You better check yourself.
I won't tell Cooper, but you owe me.
Whatever.
You will sign my ferret petition.
You keep quiet.
And can I borrow your printer? So, do you have any idea what my hourly was? And Jeremy's been using three pillows.
That's intimacy avoidance, right? Yeah, or neck problems.
He wedges one in between us.
You see that I'm working, right? Don't try to pretend.
Teaching is not work.
All right, what if I give you the number of a couples counselor? Would you guys be interested in that? Do you know what my hourly rate is? [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Sophie, I-- - Nigel.
- Hello.
Sophie.
- Professor.
- You're back.
I just wanted to say thanks and, uh, headed home to get ready.
Okay.
It's 11:30.
Really excited.
Well, it's eight hours from now.
Do you think women like manicures? IThink that Sophie, as a woman, might be able to field that question.
- You want to think about those pillows? - Mm-hmm.
Nigel, follow me.
- See you tonight, pal.
- See you tonight.
Can't wait.
- Can't wait.
- It'll be great.
It'll be great! - SOPHIE: Yes, soft hands are nice.
- NIGEL: I thought so.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Well, hello.
- Down, boy.
I have the swatches for you to look at.
Yay! Sorry.
Let me introduce myself.
Oh, you have nothing to be sorry about.
Dr.
Hawthorne-Biggs was just heading out for his mani/pedi.
How nice.
Women like soft hands.
Uh Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
I could come back.
When I'm done.
You could tell me if you like my soft hands.
That's a really nice offer.
Nigel, this is Josie, the event planner for the gala.
And now Josie and I need to discuss the event.
- I love events.
- Better get to work on those cuticles.
- Will you be here later-- - She will not.
My soft hands will be sorry not to see you again.
Oh, it's so nice to meet you.
- Show me some swatches.
- Pleasure was all mine.
I am so sorry about that.
Oh, that's okay.
I'm used to it.
I know what you mean.
Men.
- Totally.
- Right? So, I was thinking we would go with a softer color.
CARTER: Farrah.
Farrah.
Hey.
Oh.
What's up, Carter? Hey, your dad won't let me make copies.
Why not? - What is that? - It's a ferret.
Oh.
Cute.
And he's got a strict no-animal policy at the store.
- Yeah, I need-- - People with their poodles piddls on the carpet and shit.
I need to make copies of my petition.
- Give it to me.
- I think New York should-- should legalize ferrets as pets.
Cool.
Come by in about 20 minutes? Yeah.
How many copies? I-I don't know-- 50, 100.
Like 3 cents a copy? 10 cents a copy.
All right.
Let me get 20 copies, like, uh, 20-- 22 copies.
- For the ferrets, huh? - Yeah.
Oh, could you do me a favor? You drop this off at Coop's for me? - Wait, where? - Coop's.
He let me wear it home a couple nights ago.
It was cold.
I didn't really have any underwear.
Okay.
Yeah.
Stop.
- Just stop.
- 20 minutes.
Yep.
[DOOR SLAMS.]
You know where I got that? - I got that from Farrah.
- From Farrah.
Yeah.
So thank you.
From Farrah.
That's where I got that.
Uh, no, no, no.
No.
Not that.
Not here.
No way.
Oh.
Wh-- where can we go? Where can Paula and I go? To our home? To our beautiful home you've turned into your personal brothel? Carter, what are you talking about? You know what you've become? You've become a Lothario.
And I mean that.
- Carter-- - I mean it deeply.
Hey, I really appreciate your concern, but I'm fine.
Okay? I'm happy.
I'm living in the present.
I-I'm letting go of the past.
I am shedding skins.
Yes, like a snake that sheds its skin.
All right.
I can't make copies.
I can't go to the library.
I can't walk the halls of my building.
I can't go and get a coffee from the place that has the blueberry scones that I I love them.
And I can't get a juice! Yes, you can get all of those things.
No, I can't, 'cause it's guilt by association.
Yeah, "Hey, there's the buddy of the manwhore shrink who is spreading his snake, the skins all" All right.
Hey.
I'm sorry if he spread some on you.
Carter! Hey! This is my workplace, okay? - Calm down.
- I want a juice.
You know what? You want a juice? I want a juice.
Let's go get you a juice.
No.
Carter, you know what you're being right now? You're the one that's being sexist.
What-- what do you think, that these women don't have the ability to make decisions for themselves? Come on.
You are a highly trained psychologist.
- That's not fair.
- Buddy.
And you have this desk.
Buddy.
Let's get you a juice.
[FERRET CHATTERS.]
Come on, Paula.
There you go-- juice.
I'm not really very thirsty.
- Drink it.
- It is good.
Trust me.
Trust her.
Mmm.
Mmm.
- He's faking it.
- I can tell.
- I wasn't.
- You were.
Okay, the beets, they might make your pee red, so don't be alarmed.
Not exactly a selling point.
But they're also an antioxidant.
They fight cancer, liver disease, anemia.
I don't have any of those things.
Yet.
Mmm, mmm! Mm-hmm.
Mmm.
- Well, cool.
- Yes.
All right.
Thanks.
Come on.
Let's get out of here.
Carter.
Take your juice.
- Um, hey, Coop.
- Yeah? Uh, I hope you didn't misread our night.
What do you mean? I mean, like, it was nice.
It was a nice night.
Yeah.
No, it was-- it was great.
'Cause I mean, yeah, I will-- I'll see you around, but - I'm not - Oh.
Oh.
Yeah.
No, I get-- No.
Yeah, yeah.
I just wanted to get him to juice.
Okay.
Well, good luck with that.
Yeah, okay.
- I'll see you later.
- Bye.
Tonight Tonight JACKSON: Diane, I can't tonight.
- I'm sorry.
- I am begging you.
Jackson, please.
Maisy needs a night out.
"Maisy" is not a real name.
That is her real name, and she's a good friend of mine.
She lives in London, and she came in this afternoon.
And she's across the hall in my apartment right now, and I am just too pregnant for that.
[WHIMPERING.]
Jackson.
Sounds an awful lot like a fix-up.
You're not even her type, Jackson.
Hey, uh, Cooper, do you have any meat? What? I need some meat.
Carter, we are not going down that road with you, man.
Diane, Paula's hungry.
I do not have any meat.
What? Please, Jackson.
Do not make him go out with your friend.
He's very fragile right now.
You don't know what you're doing.
Okay, said the man with the hungry ferret.
Hey, hey, hey.
No whispering.
Jackson.
Please, Jackson! Diane, even if I wanted to, I can't.
I already made plans.
He's very, very, very busy.
What's going on with you? You know what, Carter? I do have meat in my apartment.
- Are you serious? - Yes.
I have some.
You should go over there now.
I'll come over there and meet you.
What kind of meat? I have various meats.
Okay.
I got my key.
- You.
- Yeah? - Be careful tonight, all right? - I promise I'll be careful.
Remember what I said this morning.
I don't want to have to go through that again with you.
I remember what you said.
[INDISTINCT ARGUING.]
Oh, my goodness! He's just worried about me.
So, Jackson, what if she just came over - and was like, "Hi.
" - CARTER: Bye.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- Diane, I just need you to listen to me, okay? - [BRITISH ACCENT.]
Diane? - Hey! Come in.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Come on in.
Hi.
Hello.
- I'm sorry.
- Hi.
So, Jackson Cooper, - this is Maisy Seagram.
- Hi, Maisy.
I'm Coop.
- Coop, how do you do? - Good.
Thanks.
Lovely.
You know, so, I was just trying to entreat him to take you out, but he can't.
- And then I can't.
I'm just too pregnant.
- Oh, no.
No, no, no.
I'm-- I'm a big girl.
I can take care of myself.
[CELLPHONE BUZZING.]
And I'm very jet-lagged from, you know, swimming across the pond.
[CHUCKLING.]
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, you know what? - I just I have to take this call really quick.
I'm sorry.
- Oh, go ahead.
Hey.
Nigel.
- Yeah.
- NIGEL: Are we still on? Yeah, we're still on.
I'm already there.
Why are you 90 minutes early? Yeah.
It's gonna be-- it's gonna be great.
Actually, we-- we will see you soon.
Okay.
Hey, you know what, Maisy? Why don't you come for a drink tonight with my friend and I? Really? Yes, why would you go to the city that never sleeps - and then sleep? - I couldn't intrude.
Really, I'm just gonna take lady Di back to her flat and get her settled and just go back to my hotel.
[LAUGHS.]
"Flat.
" That's so great.
You know what? Come out with us, have one drink.
You will listen to a couple of professors talk shop.
And, you know, we'll keep you, from waking up on London time.
Yes.
Go with him.
I'm gonna be asleep in like 15 minutes.
- Okay.
- Come with us.
All right.
Okay.
- Okay.
Great.
- It's gonna be fun.
- All right.
- Are you leaving? No, I DVR'd "Game of Thrones.
" So, Maisy, uh, how do you like London? Oh, love it.
Yeah.
Well, I-It suits you-- clearly.
Don't you think, Nigel, London suits her? I'm from West Brompton.
Oh.
That's posh.
Oh, we lived near the cemetery, so Do you, um-- have you lived there long, London? - Uh, yes, a little over two years.
- Ah.
But honestly, I feel like I've lived there my whole life.
[COUGHS.]
But you've only been there two years.
I'm guessing that's 1/18 of your whole life.
How old would that make me? Well, you know how it is, Nigel.
You, uh, walk the streets.
You see things you don't recognize.
- It's all very exciting.
- Exactly.
Yeah.
Don't you think? Well, I've lived in London my whole life.
My father lived in Australia when he left my mother when I was 5 for our 60-year-old nanny.
Huh.
My mother no longer lives in London.
So expensive.
She shows early signs of dementia, so it doesn't really matter what neighborhood she lives in, because she can't remember anything.
Okay.
- Well, you clearly love New York.
- Yes.
And, you know, London and New York are very similar.
I don't think they are.
I think they are.
No.
In London, people don't let their dogs shit on the ground.
Okay.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Of course they do.
- No, they don't.
Where do they go, then? In the air? In London, they pick it up.
- The dog shit.
- Right.
You know, I don't like stepping in shit here in New York.
So, instead of stepping in metaphorical dog poop in London, I'll just come here and step in the real thing.
Yes.
Exactly.
Wait.
I don't understand the metaphor.
Um, breakup.
- It was very nasty.
- Ah.
In fact, my trip here was, um, a present to myself at my pity party.
I'm sorry.
Ican't place your accent.
What accent? You do a little something, some sort of affect.
Well, I am a chameleon.
I, uh, you know, pick up wherever I am.
Diane thinks I sound positively like a Londoner.
No, no, you don't.
It is more-- more American.
It's like Madonna.
Where is she from? Is it, uh, Detroit? Just gonna have another round here, I think.
Yeah.
How about three more, guys? - Yeah.
- Great.
Well, I, uh, will have to be excused.
I'm going to go to the loo.
Great.
We'll see you in a second.
Okay.
She's lovely! What the hell is the matter with you? - What? - You are destroying yourself - right now.
- What do you mean? All you've talked about is your mom and dementia and-- and cemeteries and dog shit.
Studies show that people's interest in the scatological is actually quite-- [SNORES.]
Scatological what? Listen to me.
When she comes back, this is all we're gonna do.
We're gonna let her be the one who talks.
Okay.
We're gonna listen.
- Women like to be heard.
- Uh, yes, I've been hearing.
And she's coming.
So no matter what happens, don't talk about dog shit.
- Yeah.
- Promise.
- No-- no-- no dog shit.
- All right, promise? - Promise.
- Okay.
[SIGHS.]
Hello.
Line was too long.
Do you like manicures? Sorry? I'm-- I'm interested, um, to know if you like manicures.
I do.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Ha.
- Me too.
Soft.
Have you ever had them dip your hands in hot wax? I like that part.
It was too hot, but I liked it.
Do you like hot wax? Y-You can tell a lot about a man by his hands.
I read a study that hands, not the eyes, are the windows to the soul.
I have not.
My mum's half, you know, one foot in already.
[LAUGHS.]
- [SLURRING.]
- It's pretty late.
And tonight, I'm all about this Eastern Standard Time.
- Yeah.
Are you a light sleeper? - Yes.
- Me too.
- Are you? Like if someone pokes you accidentally? - Oh, no, no.
- I think I'm gonna take off, you guys.
I've had a little too much to drink.
- You're done? - Yeah, I'm done.
- That's it for me.
- All right.
Hit the bunk.
Sayonara.
Yeah.
See you on campus.
Have a good rest of your night.
I-I left London swearing off Brits.
Oh, really? And here you are.
- And here I am.
- [CHUCKLING.]
And here we are.
You looking to swear me off? Oh, no.
Well - the night is young.
- Very young.
- Should we get another drink? - Let's.
All right.
Wake up, wake up Can you hear the rain is talking to the window? Heat up my blood like a gymnast blowing kisses From the tightrope She's got eyes that color my thoughts And I got time to take her apart But it's a leap of faith But it might be the only way And now I'm speeding towards the concrete Hoping no one tries to catch me 'Cause all I'm looking for is impact Just a blow to get back on track And maybe all it is is fake love Be that the case, then, baby, so what If we memorize the whole script Maybe we can change the ending of it Ahh, ahh, ahh Ahh, ahh, ahh Ahh, ahh, ahh You know what I'm gonna say to you right now? Don't.
If you love someone, set them free.
Free, free, set them free.
I'm gonna miss her.
Carter, you've had her for 24 hours.
She's ruined your apartment.
[CHUCKLING.]
She's fucked up your face.
It's the best relationship I've had in years.
It's the only relationship you've had in years.
I don't fight for things.
You know how many signatures I got? You know how many I got? I got four.
Four signatures-- you, me, Diane, and Shadrach.
And Shadrach doesn't count, because he's under 18.
I should fight for things.
You just got to figure out what's worth fighting for.
Thought it was gonna be my writing, but I barely sit down to do it.
Well, you're a good man, and you're a good friend.
Good, not great.
Don't try to twist what I'm saying to suit your own self-loathing.
Don't shrink me.
Hey.
Listen to me.
Good is good.
That is all.
[FERRET CHATTERS.]
She's wild.
Got to let her go.
No.
She's She just acts wild.
It's, like, some misguided instinct or something.
Really, she just doesn't wane at to bout there.
She's gonna go out there, right? She's gonna go, and she's gonna show her teeth and her claws to the squirrels or rats and-- - and whatever.
- What the hell are you talking about? And she's gonna be like, "Hey.
Hey, squirrel.
I know we're, you know, hanging out in my nest and we're sharing this nut, but, you know, I'm not sticking around.
I got to be free.
" But you know what? She's not gonna survive.
She acts that way 'cause she's scared, not 'cause she's really wild.
Are you serious right now? Are you trying to shrink me? Do you feel a little shrunk? [CHUCKLING.]
I do.
I do a little bit.
Well done, Grasshopper.
- I saw Natalie last night.
- What? - I saw her-- on a subway platform.
- Are you sure? I'm almost 100% sure.
And either way, it doesn't matter.
It was like a glowing neon sign saying, "Look for a connection.
Look for something real," you know, "Look for love.
" You're handing in your slut keys.
- Is that a thing? - No.
All right.
Here's what we're gonna do-- a pact.
You're gonna start writing again, and I'm gonna look for something real.
All right.
- All right? - All right.
All right? [LAUGHS.]
You know, there's an ASPCA on the upper east.
Let's do it.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[FERRET CHATTERS.]
Young lady [GRUNTS.]
- Hold this.
- All right.
[GRUNTS.]
Oh! Watch your step.
Poop.
Dog poop.
[Jungle Fires' "If You Want" plays.]
If you're on the run Let me know So I can chase you Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Na-na If you're gonna stay Oh, let me know Na-na-na-na So I can hold you - Hold you - Hold you I'm tired of the confusion I'd like a clue as to just what you're doing Give me a sign, a smile, or a sigh If you want some fun Let me know I'll reel the sun to you , La, la, la, la If you're out of time Let me know I'll make it up to yo-o-o-u Oooooooh, oooooooh, Oooooooh, oooooooh Ahhhhhhh, ahhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhhh I'm tired of the confusion I'd like a clue as to just what you're doing Give me a sign, a smile, or a si-i-i-gh If you're on the run If you're gonna stay If you want some fun
That was some Grade-A bullshit.
- I don't understand.
- Oh, no, no.
Let me finish.
That was some transcendent, glow-in-the-dark cow shit.
It was almost as if you rehearsed that lunatic monologue.
Did you? You know, your bedside manner leaves a little something to be desired.
Well, I think your bullshit leaves a lot to be desired.
All right, so you didn't agree with my narrative, that it was accurate.
- Is that what you're saying? - I think it's bullshit.
Okay, are you gonna have some sort of psychological assessment at any point in the future, or are you just gonna apply the word "bullshit"? - Just bullshit.
- Why do I keep coming here? What am I paying for? You want your money back? Fine.
I want my time back.
I don't know why I keep coming here when all you do is antagonize me.
Oh, oh! I antagonize you? You just spent the better part of an hour telling me how you're happy having had a full dance card of one-night stands this past week.
- Happy.
- Okay, so my word choice offends you? Yes, it does-- deeply.
What psychologically minded person uses the word "happy"? It's a five-letter word that means absolutely nothing.
Only lobotomized Republicans and-- and-- and Pharrell use the word "happy.
" Ira, I'm living in the moment.
Okay? I meet a woman.
I'm-- I'm-- I'm into her.
She's into me.
We're honest about what's happening.
Did you know that in Sweden, having a one-night stand is as common as brushing your teeth? Where do you hear this bullshit?! Some woman in the club.
Is that anything like a woman at a bar who's your "soul mate"? I looked.
I searched.
It's over.
I can't do the Natalie thing anymore.
I'm defecting to Sweden.
If you continue down this path, Jackson Cooper-- and this may sound dramatic, but I'm afraid if you continue down this path of feckless recklessness, you'll never find your way back.
We've still got five minutes left.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
"Feckless recklessness"? Once you start sounding more pseudopoetic than Alanis Morissette, it's time for me to go.
You're upset because I'm right.
Nope, I'm upset because I want my therapist to be smarter than me or at least sound smarter than me.
- "Than I.
" - Than I.
What? I do sound smarter than you because I am smarter than you.
- And do you know why? - Humility? - Reality.
- Well, I'm sorry for boring you.
You're not getting credit for the last five minutes.
Well, maybe I'll never come back.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Hey Oh, my love, let me be your fire We're a thousand miles up and I'm about to get higher Feel my heart beating out my chest You're the only prayer I need to make me feel blessed Singing oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh You make me feel blessed, you make me feel blessed You're the only prayer I need to make me feel blessed All right, one large red dragon, extra spirulina.
[SIGHS.]
- Hi.
- Hi.
Can I help you? Ah, yeah.
I-i would like a Um a coffee? A juice? Yeah, a juice.
Okay.
Hi.
Hi.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- Hey.
I knocked.
- Hey.
What do you think about ferrets? Would it surprise you to know that I don't think about ferrets? Well, you got to think about ferrets.
- Get your thinking cap on.
- Carter.
They're illegal in New York.
- What are? - Ferrets.
- Well, good.
- So I made a delivery last night, and I got paid in a ferret.
You got paid in ferret? Yeah.
Her name is Paula.
[SMOOCHES.]
And, my god, I want-- I want her.
Okay.
You can have a pit bull, but you can't have this beautiful-- this beautiful ferret.
I'm gonna make it my cause.
Okay.
Ferrets are the unsung pet.
Yep.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Hi.
Nice ferret.
You know, you were totally right.
The Kale is so much better than the spinach.
Right? Twice as much "C" and protein.
Less potassium, but you throw in a banana.
Delicious.
I'm feeling healthier already.
- Thanks for last night.
- It was fun.
Um, come on.
I'll walk you out.
Oh.
Nice to meet you.
Get home safe.
- Thank you.
- All right.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[ZIPPER CLOSES.]
"Throw in a banana"? Take it easy.
- That's the juice girl.
- That's the juice woman.
The woman that works in the juice place around the corner.
Pineapple, flax, lemon, Kale-- delicious.
You're gonna make it so that you don't even have to leave the apartment.
- What are you talking about? - You got the neighbor.
Tiffany? Nothing happened with her.
You got the juice lady.
What do you care? You don't even juice.
"Juice" should not be a verb.
Okay, Carter, I have to grade these papers.
How can I ever go back inside the juice place? You just go back in there.
We're consenting adults.
It's gonna be awkward for me.
You want to talk about all the moments that you made it awkward for me? This not about me right now, okay? This is about you.
Johanna Colley and the aloe Vera plant.
It helps with burns.
It does.
Freddy Fasano when he got stung in the face with a jellyfish.
It's a fact that urine helps the sting.
You peed In his mouth.
I peed on the sting in his mouth.
Look, I don't want to bring this up right now.
I don't want to-- I don't want to start talking about this, but I am gonna talk about this, and I'm gonna say it.
Cooper, you might be a slut.
Okay.
Goodbye, Carter.
Okay.
Can I borrow your computer? Buddy, I have to take it to work.
I'll use the iPad.
What do you need my iPad for? 'Cause I'm doing my petition, and you're gonna sign it.
[SIGHS.]
Okay.
I'll sign your petition.
Ferrets are people, too.
They're not, actually.
- Well, you know what I mean.
- Mm, I don't.
God.
You're a grumpy slut.
[FERRET CHATTERS.]
I can't help you.
- [BRITISH ACCENT.]
I think you can.
- Nigel, I hung up that hat years ago.
I'm-- I'm here solely in a teaching capacity.
- I don't believe it.
- Well, believe it.
Just hear me out.
Okay.
I am not gonna give you dating advice.
Well, you gave it to the country for years.
I did not-- I would go on the occasional talk show, and I would speak to politicians about their hubris towards women.
You know, I think I come off too academic.
- Nigel - All head, no heart.
If you know what your problem is, then why don't you fix it? When I try, I come off as disingenuous.
Women love British accents.
When they come in period costume on BBC.
All right.
Dress up.
- Coop.
- I can't do it.
I hate to say this, but you owe me.
You're right.
Nigel, you have no idea how grateful I am that you are the linchpin for me teaching here.
- You were not Harty's first choice.
- I know.
Or 20th.
That, I didn't know.
Thank you for telling me that.
Why don't we go out? I'll-- I'll see you in action.
- Great.
- Let's have a drink tonight.
Okay.
I'm your wingman.
Yeah.
Well, copilot.
I'm having drinks later.
[CHUCKLES.]
[THUD.]
Blast.
[KEYS JINGLE.]
Where's Jackson? Hello to you, too.
What's that smell? [SNIFFS.]
What smell? It's Musky.
It's not me.
I showered today.
- "Today"? - Yeah.
You know, if you shower every day, you inhibit the body's ability to generate the naturally occurring oils that keep your skin smooth.
Here.
Feel mine.
I'm not touching-- [SNIFFS.]
Oh, it's you! Eugggh! - Cooper's not here.
- And you are.
I'm working on a petition-- ferrets.
You know, they're the perfect apartment pet but not legal in New York City.
You know what? Please don't explain yourself to me.
Cooper's at work.
My friend is coming in from London.
Yeah? I wonder if ferrets are legal in London.
Yeah, she's one of my besties.
How's this? "Ferret out the bad guys.
Legalize pet ferrets.
" Okay, ferrets are rats, and there were far too many "ferrets" in that sentence.
- They're misunderstood.
- Like you? Well, they're carnivores.
They sleep like 18 hours a day.
- Like you? - They're completely domesticated.
- [LAUGHS.]
Unlike you.
- Mm.
No, no! No! No, no, no, no! No! No! [COUGHS.]
DIANE: Does he have a candle or something? I feel like I need to light a match.
He doesn't like people in his bedroom.
I want Jackson to meet Maisy.
They're gonna hit it off.
Why? Is she easy? What?! No.
He's on a rampage right now.
- All right? I'm worried.
- Yeah.
I know he is.
That's the idea.
[SNIFFS.]
That's good.
Oh, god! No! Not near Paula! - Not near Paula! - You stink! No, no.
It's like I smell like I'm "Magnum P.
I.
" And I love Maisy.
- She needs this.
- You're nuts! Look, Maisy's on the rebound, okay? She's flying in with a broken heart.
I just know she won't be able to refuse Jackson's advances, and I know Jackson won't be able to refuse advancing on her, so win-win.
So you're like a pimp.
Don't tell him.
Don't tell him you're gonna use his weakness to help your friend? I mean, it-- not-- not like that.
It's more like a mutually beneficial The man is a shell of himself.
He's slutting around like a frat boy.
- How does that help him? - Hey.
I'm not kidding.
Don't get involved.
Maisy needs this.
I think the pregnancy's addled your brain.
You better check yourself.
I won't tell Cooper, but you owe me.
Whatever.
You will sign my ferret petition.
You keep quiet.
And can I borrow your printer? So, do you have any idea what my hourly was? And Jeremy's been using three pillows.
That's intimacy avoidance, right? Yeah, or neck problems.
He wedges one in between us.
You see that I'm working, right? Don't try to pretend.
Teaching is not work.
All right, what if I give you the number of a couples counselor? Would you guys be interested in that? Do you know what my hourly rate is? [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Sophie, I-- - Nigel.
- Hello.
Sophie.
- Professor.
- You're back.
I just wanted to say thanks and, uh, headed home to get ready.
Okay.
It's 11:30.
Really excited.
Well, it's eight hours from now.
Do you think women like manicures? IThink that Sophie, as a woman, might be able to field that question.
- You want to think about those pillows? - Mm-hmm.
Nigel, follow me.
- See you tonight, pal.
- See you tonight.
Can't wait.
- Can't wait.
- It'll be great.
It'll be great! - SOPHIE: Yes, soft hands are nice.
- NIGEL: I thought so.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Well, hello.
- Down, boy.
I have the swatches for you to look at.
Yay! Sorry.
Let me introduce myself.
Oh, you have nothing to be sorry about.
Dr.
Hawthorne-Biggs was just heading out for his mani/pedi.
How nice.
Women like soft hands.
Uh Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
I could come back.
When I'm done.
You could tell me if you like my soft hands.
That's a really nice offer.
Nigel, this is Josie, the event planner for the gala.
And now Josie and I need to discuss the event.
- I love events.
- Better get to work on those cuticles.
- Will you be here later-- - She will not.
My soft hands will be sorry not to see you again.
Oh, it's so nice to meet you.
- Show me some swatches.
- Pleasure was all mine.
I am so sorry about that.
Oh, that's okay.
I'm used to it.
I know what you mean.
Men.
- Totally.
- Right? So, I was thinking we would go with a softer color.
CARTER: Farrah.
Farrah.
Hey.
Oh.
What's up, Carter? Hey, your dad won't let me make copies.
Why not? - What is that? - It's a ferret.
Oh.
Cute.
And he's got a strict no-animal policy at the store.
- Yeah, I need-- - People with their poodles piddls on the carpet and shit.
I need to make copies of my petition.
- Give it to me.
- I think New York should-- should legalize ferrets as pets.
Cool.
Come by in about 20 minutes? Yeah.
How many copies? I-I don't know-- 50, 100.
Like 3 cents a copy? 10 cents a copy.
All right.
Let me get 20 copies, like, uh, 20-- 22 copies.
- For the ferrets, huh? - Yeah.
Oh, could you do me a favor? You drop this off at Coop's for me? - Wait, where? - Coop's.
He let me wear it home a couple nights ago.
It was cold.
I didn't really have any underwear.
Okay.
Yeah.
Stop.
- Just stop.
- 20 minutes.
Yep.
[DOOR SLAMS.]
You know where I got that? - I got that from Farrah.
- From Farrah.
Yeah.
So thank you.
From Farrah.
That's where I got that.
Uh, no, no, no.
No.
Not that.
Not here.
No way.
Oh.
Wh-- where can we go? Where can Paula and I go? To our home? To our beautiful home you've turned into your personal brothel? Carter, what are you talking about? You know what you've become? You've become a Lothario.
And I mean that.
- Carter-- - I mean it deeply.
Hey, I really appreciate your concern, but I'm fine.
Okay? I'm happy.
I'm living in the present.
I-I'm letting go of the past.
I am shedding skins.
Yes, like a snake that sheds its skin.
All right.
I can't make copies.
I can't go to the library.
I can't walk the halls of my building.
I can't go and get a coffee from the place that has the blueberry scones that I I love them.
And I can't get a juice! Yes, you can get all of those things.
No, I can't, 'cause it's guilt by association.
Yeah, "Hey, there's the buddy of the manwhore shrink who is spreading his snake, the skins all" All right.
Hey.
I'm sorry if he spread some on you.
Carter! Hey! This is my workplace, okay? - Calm down.
- I want a juice.
You know what? You want a juice? I want a juice.
Let's go get you a juice.
No.
Carter, you know what you're being right now? You're the one that's being sexist.
What-- what do you think, that these women don't have the ability to make decisions for themselves? Come on.
You are a highly trained psychologist.
- That's not fair.
- Buddy.
And you have this desk.
Buddy.
Let's get you a juice.
[FERRET CHATTERS.]
Come on, Paula.
There you go-- juice.
I'm not really very thirsty.
- Drink it.
- It is good.
Trust me.
Trust her.
Mmm.
Mmm.
- He's faking it.
- I can tell.
- I wasn't.
- You were.
Okay, the beets, they might make your pee red, so don't be alarmed.
Not exactly a selling point.
But they're also an antioxidant.
They fight cancer, liver disease, anemia.
I don't have any of those things.
Yet.
Mmm, mmm! Mm-hmm.
Mmm.
- Well, cool.
- Yes.
All right.
Thanks.
Come on.
Let's get out of here.
Carter.
Take your juice.
- Um, hey, Coop.
- Yeah? Uh, I hope you didn't misread our night.
What do you mean? I mean, like, it was nice.
It was a nice night.
Yeah.
No, it was-- it was great.
'Cause I mean, yeah, I will-- I'll see you around, but - I'm not - Oh.
Oh.
Yeah.
No, I get-- No.
Yeah, yeah.
I just wanted to get him to juice.
Okay.
Well, good luck with that.
Yeah, okay.
- I'll see you later.
- Bye.
Tonight Tonight JACKSON: Diane, I can't tonight.
- I'm sorry.
- I am begging you.
Jackson, please.
Maisy needs a night out.
"Maisy" is not a real name.
That is her real name, and she's a good friend of mine.
She lives in London, and she came in this afternoon.
And she's across the hall in my apartment right now, and I am just too pregnant for that.
[WHIMPERING.]
Jackson.
Sounds an awful lot like a fix-up.
You're not even her type, Jackson.
Hey, uh, Cooper, do you have any meat? What? I need some meat.
Carter, we are not going down that road with you, man.
Diane, Paula's hungry.
I do not have any meat.
What? Please, Jackson.
Do not make him go out with your friend.
He's very fragile right now.
You don't know what you're doing.
Okay, said the man with the hungry ferret.
Hey, hey, hey.
No whispering.
Jackson.
Please, Jackson! Diane, even if I wanted to, I can't.
I already made plans.
He's very, very, very busy.
What's going on with you? You know what, Carter? I do have meat in my apartment.
- Are you serious? - Yes.
I have some.
You should go over there now.
I'll come over there and meet you.
What kind of meat? I have various meats.
Okay.
I got my key.
- You.
- Yeah? - Be careful tonight, all right? - I promise I'll be careful.
Remember what I said this morning.
I don't want to have to go through that again with you.
I remember what you said.
[INDISTINCT ARGUING.]
Oh, my goodness! He's just worried about me.
So, Jackson, what if she just came over - and was like, "Hi.
" - CARTER: Bye.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- Diane, I just need you to listen to me, okay? - [BRITISH ACCENT.]
Diane? - Hey! Come in.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Come on in.
Hi.
Hello.
- I'm sorry.
- Hi.
So, Jackson Cooper, - this is Maisy Seagram.
- Hi, Maisy.
I'm Coop.
- Coop, how do you do? - Good.
Thanks.
Lovely.
You know, so, I was just trying to entreat him to take you out, but he can't.
- And then I can't.
I'm just too pregnant.
- Oh, no.
No, no, no.
I'm-- I'm a big girl.
I can take care of myself.
[CELLPHONE BUZZING.]
And I'm very jet-lagged from, you know, swimming across the pond.
[CHUCKLING.]
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, you know what? - I just I have to take this call really quick.
I'm sorry.
- Oh, go ahead.
Hey.
Nigel.
- Yeah.
- NIGEL: Are we still on? Yeah, we're still on.
I'm already there.
Why are you 90 minutes early? Yeah.
It's gonna be-- it's gonna be great.
Actually, we-- we will see you soon.
Okay.
Hey, you know what, Maisy? Why don't you come for a drink tonight with my friend and I? Really? Yes, why would you go to the city that never sleeps - and then sleep? - I couldn't intrude.
Really, I'm just gonna take lady Di back to her flat and get her settled and just go back to my hotel.
[LAUGHS.]
"Flat.
" That's so great.
You know what? Come out with us, have one drink.
You will listen to a couple of professors talk shop.
And, you know, we'll keep you, from waking up on London time.
Yes.
Go with him.
I'm gonna be asleep in like 15 minutes.
- Okay.
- Come with us.
All right.
Okay.
- Okay.
Great.
- It's gonna be fun.
- All right.
- Are you leaving? No, I DVR'd "Game of Thrones.
" So, Maisy, uh, how do you like London? Oh, love it.
Yeah.
Well, I-It suits you-- clearly.
Don't you think, Nigel, London suits her? I'm from West Brompton.
Oh.
That's posh.
Oh, we lived near the cemetery, so Do you, um-- have you lived there long, London? - Uh, yes, a little over two years.
- Ah.
But honestly, I feel like I've lived there my whole life.
[COUGHS.]
But you've only been there two years.
I'm guessing that's 1/18 of your whole life.
How old would that make me? Well, you know how it is, Nigel.
You, uh, walk the streets.
You see things you don't recognize.
- It's all very exciting.
- Exactly.
Yeah.
Don't you think? Well, I've lived in London my whole life.
My father lived in Australia when he left my mother when I was 5 for our 60-year-old nanny.
Huh.
My mother no longer lives in London.
So expensive.
She shows early signs of dementia, so it doesn't really matter what neighborhood she lives in, because she can't remember anything.
Okay.
- Well, you clearly love New York.
- Yes.
And, you know, London and New York are very similar.
I don't think they are.
I think they are.
No.
In London, people don't let their dogs shit on the ground.
Okay.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Of course they do.
- No, they don't.
Where do they go, then? In the air? In London, they pick it up.
- The dog shit.
- Right.
You know, I don't like stepping in shit here in New York.
So, instead of stepping in metaphorical dog poop in London, I'll just come here and step in the real thing.
Yes.
Exactly.
Wait.
I don't understand the metaphor.
Um, breakup.
- It was very nasty.
- Ah.
In fact, my trip here was, um, a present to myself at my pity party.
I'm sorry.
Ican't place your accent.
What accent? You do a little something, some sort of affect.
Well, I am a chameleon.
I, uh, you know, pick up wherever I am.
Diane thinks I sound positively like a Londoner.
No, no, you don't.
It is more-- more American.
It's like Madonna.
Where is she from? Is it, uh, Detroit? Just gonna have another round here, I think.
Yeah.
How about three more, guys? - Yeah.
- Great.
Well, I, uh, will have to be excused.
I'm going to go to the loo.
Great.
We'll see you in a second.
Okay.
She's lovely! What the hell is the matter with you? - What? - You are destroying yourself - right now.
- What do you mean? All you've talked about is your mom and dementia and-- and cemeteries and dog shit.
Studies show that people's interest in the scatological is actually quite-- [SNORES.]
Scatological what? Listen to me.
When she comes back, this is all we're gonna do.
We're gonna let her be the one who talks.
Okay.
We're gonna listen.
- Women like to be heard.
- Uh, yes, I've been hearing.
And she's coming.
So no matter what happens, don't talk about dog shit.
- Yeah.
- Promise.
- No-- no-- no dog shit.
- All right, promise? - Promise.
- Okay.
[SIGHS.]
Hello.
Line was too long.
Do you like manicures? Sorry? I'm-- I'm interested, um, to know if you like manicures.
I do.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Ha.
- Me too.
Soft.
Have you ever had them dip your hands in hot wax? I like that part.
It was too hot, but I liked it.
Do you like hot wax? Y-You can tell a lot about a man by his hands.
I read a study that hands, not the eyes, are the windows to the soul.
I have not.
My mum's half, you know, one foot in already.
[LAUGHS.]
- [SLURRING.]
- It's pretty late.
And tonight, I'm all about this Eastern Standard Time.
- Yeah.
Are you a light sleeper? - Yes.
- Me too.
- Are you? Like if someone pokes you accidentally? - Oh, no, no.
- I think I'm gonna take off, you guys.
I've had a little too much to drink.
- You're done? - Yeah, I'm done.
- That's it for me.
- All right.
Hit the bunk.
Sayonara.
Yeah.
See you on campus.
Have a good rest of your night.
I-I left London swearing off Brits.
Oh, really? And here you are.
- And here I am.
- [CHUCKLING.]
And here we are.
You looking to swear me off? Oh, no.
Well - the night is young.
- Very young.
- Should we get another drink? - Let's.
All right.
Wake up, wake up Can you hear the rain is talking to the window? Heat up my blood like a gymnast blowing kisses From the tightrope She's got eyes that color my thoughts And I got time to take her apart But it's a leap of faith But it might be the only way And now I'm speeding towards the concrete Hoping no one tries to catch me 'Cause all I'm looking for is impact Just a blow to get back on track And maybe all it is is fake love Be that the case, then, baby, so what If we memorize the whole script Maybe we can change the ending of it Ahh, ahh, ahh Ahh, ahh, ahh Ahh, ahh, ahh You know what I'm gonna say to you right now? Don't.
If you love someone, set them free.
Free, free, set them free.
I'm gonna miss her.
Carter, you've had her for 24 hours.
She's ruined your apartment.
[CHUCKLING.]
She's fucked up your face.
It's the best relationship I've had in years.
It's the only relationship you've had in years.
I don't fight for things.
You know how many signatures I got? You know how many I got? I got four.
Four signatures-- you, me, Diane, and Shadrach.
And Shadrach doesn't count, because he's under 18.
I should fight for things.
You just got to figure out what's worth fighting for.
Thought it was gonna be my writing, but I barely sit down to do it.
Well, you're a good man, and you're a good friend.
Good, not great.
Don't try to twist what I'm saying to suit your own self-loathing.
Don't shrink me.
Hey.
Listen to me.
Good is good.
That is all.
[FERRET CHATTERS.]
She's wild.
Got to let her go.
No.
She's She just acts wild.
It's, like, some misguided instinct or something.
Really, she just doesn't wane at to bout there.
She's gonna go out there, right? She's gonna go, and she's gonna show her teeth and her claws to the squirrels or rats and-- - and whatever.
- What the hell are you talking about? And she's gonna be like, "Hey.
Hey, squirrel.
I know we're, you know, hanging out in my nest and we're sharing this nut, but, you know, I'm not sticking around.
I got to be free.
" But you know what? She's not gonna survive.
She acts that way 'cause she's scared, not 'cause she's really wild.
Are you serious right now? Are you trying to shrink me? Do you feel a little shrunk? [CHUCKLING.]
I do.
I do a little bit.
Well done, Grasshopper.
- I saw Natalie last night.
- What? - I saw her-- on a subway platform.
- Are you sure? I'm almost 100% sure.
And either way, it doesn't matter.
It was like a glowing neon sign saying, "Look for a connection.
Look for something real," you know, "Look for love.
" You're handing in your slut keys.
- Is that a thing? - No.
All right.
Here's what we're gonna do-- a pact.
You're gonna start writing again, and I'm gonna look for something real.
All right.
- All right? - All right.
All right? [LAUGHS.]
You know, there's an ASPCA on the upper east.
Let's do it.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[FERRET CHATTERS.]
Young lady [GRUNTS.]
- Hold this.
- All right.
[GRUNTS.]
Oh! Watch your step.
Poop.
Dog poop.
[Jungle Fires' "If You Want" plays.]
If you're on the run Let me know So I can chase you Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Na-na If you're gonna stay Oh, let me know Na-na-na-na So I can hold you - Hold you - Hold you I'm tired of the confusion I'd like a clue as to just what you're doing Give me a sign, a smile, or a sigh If you want some fun Let me know I'll reel the sun to you , La, la, la, la If you're out of time Let me know I'll make it up to yo-o-o-u Oooooooh, oooooooh, Oooooooh, oooooooh Ahhhhhhh, ahhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhhh I'm tired of the confusion I'd like a clue as to just what you're doing Give me a sign, a smile, or a si-i-i-gh If you're on the run If you're gonna stay If you want some fun