Alone Together (2018) s01e05 Episode Script
Dean Girls
1 I honestly don't care what the haters say, nachos, they travel well.
I mean, they're even better this way.
I totally agree.
When it congeals into one piece, you can just eat it like pie.
You don't have to worry about topping distribution Yeah, it's stress-free.
It's just so much better.
[MOUTHING.]
Do I have it on my face? [PHONE BEEPS.]
My, Esther, what a dainty bite! Is that how they eat nachos on Downton Abbey? Actually, now that I think of it, I'm, like, really full.
These are really gross.
I've just been getting full easier lately.
My stomach must be shrinking.
Yo, guys, shut up, okay? I'm dealing with a real issue here, all right? I got this artist chick, Amanda, she's like, obsessed with me.
She won't stop calling me, texting me, emailing me.
- She Facetimed me! - Oh, my God, that's so lame.
You're handling it so well, Dean.
- Thanks.
- Yeah, you're doing great.
- Oh, thanks a lot.
- I'm sorry, I would never do that.
Yeah, girls totally reach out to me, too.
So? Anyway.
And look what she did.
Look what she did, she left this statue in my office of, like, a headless fat chick? It actually makes no sense.
You know I'm always trying to find the humor in stuff.
Um, I was like, "How does she even get fat if she has no head," Right? She cant't eat.
- That's hilarious, right? - That's hilarious.
That's a mother goddess.
She's pregnant and plump.
It represents human prosperity.
People used to pray to those.
- What? - This.
This? I used to jerk off to Mom's art history books! - Oh.
- That's too much information.
You made it worse, all right? Look, I gotta find out how to get this chick off my ass, pronto.
Yeah, for sure.
What should we do? Okay, here's what you do.
Post the selfie of you with a really not-cute girl, and then she'll think you've lowered you standards and she's gonna move on to somebody else.
I don't know, maybe I'll just get a restraining order.
You know? Call it a day.
- They know me down there.
- Dude, come on, a restraining order with a crazy girl? That's flattering to them because it means you're thinking about them.
Just gonna make it worse.
It's like buying her roses.
How do you know? You've never had a stalker.
I understand the psychology of pathetic people.
Just trust me on this.
I know what I'm talking about.
Why don't I just post a picture with a hot chick and post that one? Game over.
Because then she's gonna seek vengeance 'cause she's jealous, like that sushi waitress who crapped in your Lambo.
You want that to happen again? Look, what you need is a girl who's, like, kinda gross, maybe some crumbs in her panties - That's gross.
- You know, like, a human Esther, you're available today, right? I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Um, yeah, I'll check my schedule.
You don't need makeup, man.
You're supposed to look wretched.
Never mind.
You're good.
MG, this is a huge opportunity for me, okay? I'm about to spend one-on-one time with Dean.
I need to look my very, very, very, very best.
Come on, this isn't about your sad little crush on Dean, it's about getting rid of Amanda.
Okay, let me scrape my tongue one more time.
[GAGGING.]
I'm gonna go.
This is bad for me.
I'm gonna go.
Good, all right, let's do this.
Come on.
Yeah.
Um, Dean, I just wanted to take a moment to thank you What? You're too You're not talking loud enough.
I just wanted to take a moment to say thank you for this opportunity.
- I promise I won't let you down.
- All right, thank you so much.
It's just gonna be a simple couples' photoshoot, all right? We're thinking you're in love, it's domestic, you're baking together, you're putting pizza in the oven, all right? This is really easy.
We can just one-and-done it.
Yeah, can you just maybe put it on burst mode so it doesn't take too long? It's already Don't do burst mode.
It doesn't work for me.
Anyway Um, Dean, can you make it look like you're enjoying yourself a little? Can I just hold your hand? Just for one photo.
Here, why don't you put it around me? Shaking.
Why don't we do a shake.
Yeah, that looks like love.
Really liking that.
- Did you want us to kiss, or? - No, what? - No, I - No, it's all good.
- We could just - No, if you want to, I'm down, - but we don't have to.
- Nah.
That's great.
Loving that.
I'm feeling like my character would want to taste the sauce.
Should I do that? I appreciate you wanting to go full Daniel Day Esther on this, but you're not actually playing a character.
You're just you.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God, I'm sorry! Oh, my God.
Sorry.
I'll get it.
- What? - What are you don't lick him! I'm sorry.
-This just became a very sad Carl's Jr.
commercial.
I'm sorry, it'll never happen again.
I'm sorry.
I'm just gonna take what I have here.
I'm gonna airstream it on the TV.
Hopefully we have something.
Be right back.
I'm sorry.
I'll buy you a shirt right now.
This shirt cost $1,000.
Okay, I'll get it out.
I'll get the stain out.
- You okay? - Nothing.
Um, I actually have this This I call it my Esther stick? - Yeah? - And, um I just watched this documentary, and it was all about how laundry's really bad for the environment.
Basically what happens is they dump, literally, gallons of detergent into the ocean every year.
It's crazy.
It can get into dolphins' private areas - Yeah? - And it will kill them.
- Oh.
- Actually looks pretty good.
Um, yeah, I don't even need to do laundry anymore.
Yeah, I don't do laundry, either.
That's crazy.
I don't do it, either.
I know, you said that, and then that's why I said what I said.
- Uh-huh, we're so, like - Good news, guys! I actually got a decent shot where Esther doesn't look - too much like Tom Selleck.
- [DEAN.]
Aw, cool.
Why don't you send me the most Tom Selleck-y one? - Oh, that's funny.
- [PHONE BEEPS.]
Um, can you make sure to tag it EstherRichWithNineEyes? Dean, thank you.
[ESTHER.]
I cannot believe that Dean tagged me in that photo.
Do you think, like, this is what K-Fed felt like when he married Britney? He's like, "I got it!" I don't know, but when you smile like that, your cheeks look like two fat guys' stomachs! Cheese! Just out of curiosity, do you feel like you have any need for, like, a T-shirt or a tote bag that has the picture of me and Dean on it? Just 'cause I was gonna order a couple of things, and it's free shipping when you spend over $50.
And honestly, that's just, like, a deal you don't pass up every day.
- Esther - What? You realize that that was a fake picture for a fake relationship.
Benjamin, of course, on some level I do understand that.
However [WHISPERS.]
you never know, okay? Did you know that neither Dean nor I do laundry? Like, that means we're both on the same page.
Esther, that's 'cause he pays someone to do his laundry for him, and you turn your underwear inside out until it turns into underwear bark.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
Can I show you something? I'm 37 weeks back on Amanda's Instagram.
She's such an amazing sculptress.
I wanna date an art teacher so bad.
I wanna be the focal point of someone's artwork.
- That's a good point.
- I could be a muse, like Sharon Stone, but a guy.
Oh, man, this sucks! What, Amanda didn't reach out to you again, did she? - Everything cool? - No, I lost four grand on the Utah Jazz.
Oh, Amanda, yeah, no, I haven't heard from her in, like, 24 hours.
Your stupid plan actually worked.
Yeah, who knows more about being lonely and desperate than me? Hey, whatever works, man.
I just can't believe little Esther pulled through It's amazing, man.
I mean, she looks so gross in those photos.
It was so funny.
Yeah, no, that's me.
Gross, funny, smart, cool.
I'm your guy.
Anyway, I need you to stay in the house all day and not go anywhere because I'm waiting for a suit to be delivered.
And I want you to sign for it.
If they leave it out front, that's a no-no, okay? I got all sorts of plants out there.
I don't need stigma and, like, gymnosperms on my suit, you understand what I'm saying? Wait, wait.
Really quick.
No, don't backtalk.
Look, look, I have a hot yoga class later.
Why are you whispering? You guys don't talk loud enough.
- Sorry.
- It's embarrassing.
I have a hot yoga class today.
I can't Take a later class.
Obviously.
I can't, this instructor just gets my body type.
Dude, you're not gonna be messing with my schedule, okay, just because you have child-bearing hips.
What, are you body-shaming me 'cause I've got Mom's hips? This is what I gotta do.
I just did something nice for you! Can't you just do something nice for me? Exactly, you did something nice for me, then I thanked you, so you owe me.
I'm not.
I just -Thank you.
Now you owe me again.
Yeah, Benji, just do it.
What's your problem? Do as your brother asks.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh.
Hey.
Is Dean home? No.
No, he's not.
Where is he? Is he with that girl, the confident pizza chef? Um, I don't really know where he is.
He's Dean.
He's probably at a yacht auction or something.
A Yachtion.
It's a word I just make up.
[CHUCKLES.]
Amanda, by the way.
Are you Dean's housekeeper or something? No, I'm his brother.
You're Dean's brother? Yes, I'm Dean's brother.
My mom had an elective C-section, so I was born two weeks early.
I could've used the whole nine months, obviously, that's what God wants you to have, but she wanted to get back to work, and now I'm this.
Oh, you poor thing! If I just got one more week, man, woot! I'd be, like, 5'8", running a hedge fund, just alpha-ing everybody around, throwing coffee at my assistant.
It'd be awesome.
You are so much funnier than Dean.
Oh, thanks, you know, I'm a comedic personality.
That's amazing! I always thought comedians were so brave.
Oh, yeah, totally.
Everyone's like Marines, but it's comedians.
Give me your phone.
I'll give you my number in case you every need it.
- You sure? - Yeah.
There's probably moisturizer and nail polish all over that phone from all the numbers girls are giving me.
You know, you're just another girl giving me her phone number.
Good night, sweet prince.
I'm sorry I wasn't right for you on the outside.
It's over, Benji.
The likes and comments have stopped rolling in.
Esther, Dean is really, really out of your league.
He dates girls right before they marry Adam Levine.
Are you saying I could marry Adam Levine now? No, I'm saying people like you and me gotta know our place in the world.
You can't just date anybody.
Like, Amanda came by earlier and gave me her number.
That doesn't mean I'm gonna ask her out.
What? You have Amanda's number?! Are you kidding me? I'm sitting here refreshing my ass off for hours, and you finally tell me that? Come on, who cares? I mean, she's just messing with me.
She laughed at my jokes, but it's pretty obvious she just gave me her number to try to get back at my brother.
- Um, hello? - Hello.
So what, okay? Dude, don't you see? Amanda wants to be with you to get to Dean.
Dean wants to be with me to get rid of Amanda.
It's a win-win-win-win situation.
Four wins.
Four people can win.
All right, I guess you're right.
I'll call her.
Yay! Oh, my God, we haven't agreed this much since we saw Moana.
Moana was so good.
It's, like, the only time The Rock has ever been believable.
I know, it was amazing.
It's the Goodfellas for our generation.
Okay, so we gotta play this real smart.
Like, we wanna rehearse.
We wanna know exactly what you're gonna say to Amanda, word for word, - calculated, planned out.
- [RINGING.]
- I already dialed.
- No, stop! - It's ringing! - Hang up! We're not ready! Hello, please hold for Mr.
Benji.
[SOFTLY.]
I forgot your last name.
Hey, what's up? Sorry, new assistant.
Um, can you just hang on one sec? Sorry, one sec.
I don't know.
-Should I invite her to minigolf? No.
Do you want to sound like a psycho? Ask her if she wants to try Zumba lessons.
No, caricatures at the beach? [FREAKING OUT.]
Um, so I was thinking if you're not busy tonight, do you want to come over for dinner? I can cook.
Tonight? -Yeah, Dean is going to that real estate gala.
- He won't be here.
- The ball? - Oh, my, the ball.
- Oh, okay, yeah! Sweet.
All right.
See you then.
- Oh, my God! - Okay, wait.
We need to do something that will make Dean want to retaliate against her.
- That's right.
- Nothing too violent.
Not quite a felony, but almost felonious.
Yeah I know what we can do.
I feel so alive.
I feel like a Bruce Springsteen song right now.
I just feel, like Ow.
I bit my tongue.
It hurts really bad.
It stings.
Dude, okay, you know what? Your stupid Instagram trick didn't work.
Amanda just threw another one of these fat blue statues through my window.
Someone threw a statue through your window? Wow, that picture of Esther must've really gotten to her.
Why are you guys talking like this now? What's the deal? Why are you guys talking like that, like, "Oh!" That's weird.
You know what, it doesn't even matter, okay? You said it would work and it didn't, okay? So stop playing puzzle like you're sitting shiva, - and fix this! - BENJI: Can I pitch you an idea? You should take Esther to the LA Realtors Association event! Think about it, man.
You're gonna go there with Esther, who's pretty much a wet baby hippo.
It's gonna drive Amanda crazy.
She's not gonna be interested in you at all! - [LAUGHS.]
- What? What's so funny? You want You want me to take Esther to my work event, okay, and have her stand next to me So, like, my colleagues would see that? Bro, a Property Bro is going to be there.
The good-looking Property Bro is going to be there.
Come on, I read the invitation.
It's gonna be passed apps.
He won't even notice Esther.
You won't see me.
I'll be out of your way.
It'll just be the hearsay that I was there.
Man, you know what, Amanda is going to think I am disgusting, dude! Honestly, I'm a genius, man.
This is great.
Okay.
Esther, I want you to get off your ass and we're gonna go shopping right now.
- I could shop.
- Yeah, you can and you will.
You're gonna dress not like a fat kid on laundry day.
Dude, you don't wanna try crackers with honey? Shut up.
Come on, let's go.
It's our second date.
Whoo! This is your day.
You can date a tall hot guy.
What do you think? Wow, I'm surprised that actually fits you.
Really? Oh, I usually shop in the kids' section just 'cause it's more affordable and more flattering for my body type.
You are going to be the cutest flower girl.
Aunt Debbie's going to be so proud of you.
Oh, you have a beautiful daughter! Hi.
Esther, we have to go now.
Okay, we can go.
Um, just so you know, I'm gonna go rip the dress, and then I'm gonna tell them there was some damage.
- We'll get a discount.
- Nice.
Usually girls want me to spend more money on them, not less.
I guess I'm not like most girls.
No, you're not.
Not at all.
Oh, my God, it smells so good.
Well, thank you.
It's my Moroccan grandmother's polenta recipe.
Oh, you're really different from most of the guys I go out with.
You mean most guys don't make you polenta with paprika so fresh that it'll deviate your septum? Hmm.
Speaking of most guys, where is Dean tonight? He is, uh I think he's doing a charity basketball game with Macklemore.
Hmm.
So, can I help with anything? Uh, sure.
You want to, um, slice some tomatoes? - Oh, yeah.
- Cool.
Oh, heirloom tomatoes are my favorite! They're in season right now, too.
Let's just not use those.
Let's use canned tomatoes.
Realtors Association Gala.
Is this where Dean is? Is he with that confident pizza chef? Oh, her, she's just she's nobody.
She's not a threat to you.
She's just a loser.
There's nothing to be intimidated by.
She's a walking yeast infection.
It's fine.
You are just like your brother.
- I'm nothing - All you guys do is lie.
- Let's start over.
- I'm going to confront him.
You don't gotta confront anybody.
Come on, let's talk this through.
You've gotta move on from guys like Dean.
Move on to someone who appreciates you and your art, you know? Come on, I've been caramelizing onions for eight hours! I don't care how many Wheat Thins I flush down the toilet.
It's your old pipes.
It's your problem.
You hear me? And cut to me on my birthday with a brand-new toilet.
- Wow.
- I'm just saying.
Oh, my God, boys, you keep me young.
- You really do! - I love that! - I just love that! - All right, I gotta fill up the old gas tank with some spanakopita.
Um, I'll let you guys talk amongst yourselves, okay? - Okay! - Yeah? [LAUGHS.]
I love it! I love it! Dean, she's a firecracker! Why have you never introduced me to this woman before? Yeah, it's weird.
At first I thought she was annoying, but she kind of just laughs at all my jokes, no matter what, and that's really cool for me 'cause I'm trying to work on my comedy Dean? Did you want a Dean? - Give me a second.
- Okay.
- Dean, hi! - Hey, what's up? How come you can't be like this all the time? - What? Oh, did I do good? - Yeah, you did pretty good.
I think your friends are great.
I hate that guy.
He grew his hair out long after I did.
- Dean, Dean, Dean - What are you doing? What are you doing here? I said that.
You don't Same.
I said it, too.
I'm sorry.
So, Amanda was at our house and I was cooking her dinner Hold on a second.
You had a date with Amanda? It wasn't really a date.
It was part of our scheme! It was all in this together.
Hold on, okay.
You don't actually believe that I'm that easy to be manipulated, do you? Dean, you are way too handsome to be manipulated.
- That is not what this is - Oh, God! - No, no, no - That's obviously what this is.
Listen up, guys.
Amanda's gonna be here any second.
I didn't intend for any of this to happen.
You've dated everyone in LA.
There's no way for us to not be brothers and Eskimo brothers.
- I'm sorry! - She's crazy I need to talk to you.
- Hey.
- In private.
Not so fast, Amanda, hi.
Anything you want to say to Dean tonight, you can say it in front of me because I'm his plus-one and maybe more than that.
You must be Esther.
That's right, I am Esther.
I knew you were confident from Dean's photo, but the way you rock that quinceañera dress in public proves it.
Actually, thank you Or gracias.
Whatever you got to say, just say it, go ahead.
[SCOFFS.]
Fine.
What kind of monster sleeps with someone for three weeks and suddenly just doesn't return their calls? I've been trying to contact you for the last month.
No, that's crazy.
I We had sex together ten times, tops.
Okay, that barely warrants a call back.
What do you think, we're married? That's really bad, Dean.
In all fairness, a girl's never slept with me ten times.
That's pretty much marriage for me.
No.
I told her I told you I didn't want to be in a relationship.
You did not say that! You asked me to pick you up at the airport.
That's because I'm protesting Uber because you know what's been happening with them lately.
For real, any time you need a ride to the airport, I will do it for you, I promise you.
- Anytime, LaGuardia - I will never accept a ride from you ever.
Ever! I want to say I'm sorry.
I didn't know you weren't crazy.
He made it seem like you were a nutbag.
I would not have tried to schtupp my brother's girlfriend.
I didn't know you were sleeping together.
No, your brother was a total dick to me and thought I would just go away, but I'm taking a stand so he doesn't do this to the next girl.
Okay, well, now you know she's lying, because no girl cares that much about what other girls think.
- I do sometimes.
- He makes a really good point because if you were trying to make a feminist stand, then why'd you then give him a statue as a gift? Since Dean clearly lacks respect for women, I wanted him to have a constant reminder of the eternal power of the female form.
That's the craziest thing I've ever heard.
I don't even know what that means.
- Let's go.
- I'll see you later.
- Don't listen to her.
- Now! Can I talk to you? I'm just curious.
Um, you can't entertain a girl for one hour? I was up against impossible odds! - What? - We're ugly people trying to sleep with pretty people.
Do you think that's what Darwin wanted? We're gonna be their rebounds, okay? They're gonna fight, they're gonna be sad, they're gonna be broken, and we're gonna swoop in and pick up the pieces.
Let's not let this plan go.
Yeah.
We can make it work.
[CLATTERING.]
Well, of course that's what's happening.
[MOANING.]
- Excuse me, ma'am.
- Oh Earlier you requested a personal tray of spanakopita.
I'm so sorry, but you must have me confused with someone else.
Are you sure, 'cause I thought it was you.
It wasn't me, but I do think that I know who it was, and I can get that to her.
- Well - Just hand it over.
- Sure.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
- Appreciate it.
Thank you.
- He knew you were lying.
- Whatever.
I'm gonna take a hot bath and listen to Britney.
I just wanna wash my hands.
I couldn't because I didn't want the spray tan to come off.
It's the white Jaguar, and I know exactly how much change there was in that cup holder, so don't be a bad hombre, comprendito? I'm not the valet, dude.
We talked for, like, 30 minutes earlier.
Remember, I told you that story My mistake.
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.
Thank you so much for getting Dean and I back together.
Sure, yeah, happy you guys are happy.
Yeah.
Can I ask you a question? - Sure.
- Is it more fun to be smart or pretty? You are so cute! Yeah.
Can you answer the question? Um smart? - Really? - No.
- Okay.
- Pretty.
We're putting you on the spot.
I'm sorry.
It was good to see you again.
Oh, I'm actually seeing Dean at your house tonight, - so I'll see you there.
- See you then! Oh, my God, I love her.
Hear that? I would've actually had a chance with her What about me looks like a valet parker? What are the visual cues that I'm a valet parker? Am I wearing a red vest and a bowtie? Benji, you have a serviceman's face.
It's not her fault.
It's not a bad thing, okay? - James Franco has it.
- And, of course, his Jaguar comes before my car.
It's like I have the vibes of someone you shouldn't respect.
I mean, they're even better this way.
I totally agree.
When it congeals into one piece, you can just eat it like pie.
You don't have to worry about topping distribution Yeah, it's stress-free.
It's just so much better.
[MOUTHING.]
Do I have it on my face? [PHONE BEEPS.]
My, Esther, what a dainty bite! Is that how they eat nachos on Downton Abbey? Actually, now that I think of it, I'm, like, really full.
These are really gross.
I've just been getting full easier lately.
My stomach must be shrinking.
Yo, guys, shut up, okay? I'm dealing with a real issue here, all right? I got this artist chick, Amanda, she's like, obsessed with me.
She won't stop calling me, texting me, emailing me.
- She Facetimed me! - Oh, my God, that's so lame.
You're handling it so well, Dean.
- Thanks.
- Yeah, you're doing great.
- Oh, thanks a lot.
- I'm sorry, I would never do that.
Yeah, girls totally reach out to me, too.
So? Anyway.
And look what she did.
Look what she did, she left this statue in my office of, like, a headless fat chick? It actually makes no sense.
You know I'm always trying to find the humor in stuff.
Um, I was like, "How does she even get fat if she has no head," Right? She cant't eat.
- That's hilarious, right? - That's hilarious.
That's a mother goddess.
She's pregnant and plump.
It represents human prosperity.
People used to pray to those.
- What? - This.
This? I used to jerk off to Mom's art history books! - Oh.
- That's too much information.
You made it worse, all right? Look, I gotta find out how to get this chick off my ass, pronto.
Yeah, for sure.
What should we do? Okay, here's what you do.
Post the selfie of you with a really not-cute girl, and then she'll think you've lowered you standards and she's gonna move on to somebody else.
I don't know, maybe I'll just get a restraining order.
You know? Call it a day.
- They know me down there.
- Dude, come on, a restraining order with a crazy girl? That's flattering to them because it means you're thinking about them.
Just gonna make it worse.
It's like buying her roses.
How do you know? You've never had a stalker.
I understand the psychology of pathetic people.
Just trust me on this.
I know what I'm talking about.
Why don't I just post a picture with a hot chick and post that one? Game over.
Because then she's gonna seek vengeance 'cause she's jealous, like that sushi waitress who crapped in your Lambo.
You want that to happen again? Look, what you need is a girl who's, like, kinda gross, maybe some crumbs in her panties - That's gross.
- You know, like, a human Esther, you're available today, right? I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Um, yeah, I'll check my schedule.
You don't need makeup, man.
You're supposed to look wretched.
Never mind.
You're good.
MG, this is a huge opportunity for me, okay? I'm about to spend one-on-one time with Dean.
I need to look my very, very, very, very best.
Come on, this isn't about your sad little crush on Dean, it's about getting rid of Amanda.
Okay, let me scrape my tongue one more time.
[GAGGING.]
I'm gonna go.
This is bad for me.
I'm gonna go.
Good, all right, let's do this.
Come on.
Yeah.
Um, Dean, I just wanted to take a moment to thank you What? You're too You're not talking loud enough.
I just wanted to take a moment to say thank you for this opportunity.
- I promise I won't let you down.
- All right, thank you so much.
It's just gonna be a simple couples' photoshoot, all right? We're thinking you're in love, it's domestic, you're baking together, you're putting pizza in the oven, all right? This is really easy.
We can just one-and-done it.
Yeah, can you just maybe put it on burst mode so it doesn't take too long? It's already Don't do burst mode.
It doesn't work for me.
Anyway Um, Dean, can you make it look like you're enjoying yourself a little? Can I just hold your hand? Just for one photo.
Here, why don't you put it around me? Shaking.
Why don't we do a shake.
Yeah, that looks like love.
Really liking that.
- Did you want us to kiss, or? - No, what? - No, I - No, it's all good.
- We could just - No, if you want to, I'm down, - but we don't have to.
- Nah.
That's great.
Loving that.
I'm feeling like my character would want to taste the sauce.
Should I do that? I appreciate you wanting to go full Daniel Day Esther on this, but you're not actually playing a character.
You're just you.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God, I'm sorry! Oh, my God.
Sorry.
I'll get it.
- What? - What are you don't lick him! I'm sorry.
-This just became a very sad Carl's Jr.
commercial.
I'm sorry, it'll never happen again.
I'm sorry.
I'm just gonna take what I have here.
I'm gonna airstream it on the TV.
Hopefully we have something.
Be right back.
I'm sorry.
I'll buy you a shirt right now.
This shirt cost $1,000.
Okay, I'll get it out.
I'll get the stain out.
- You okay? - Nothing.
Um, I actually have this This I call it my Esther stick? - Yeah? - And, um I just watched this documentary, and it was all about how laundry's really bad for the environment.
Basically what happens is they dump, literally, gallons of detergent into the ocean every year.
It's crazy.
It can get into dolphins' private areas - Yeah? - And it will kill them.
- Oh.
- Actually looks pretty good.
Um, yeah, I don't even need to do laundry anymore.
Yeah, I don't do laundry, either.
That's crazy.
I don't do it, either.
I know, you said that, and then that's why I said what I said.
- Uh-huh, we're so, like - Good news, guys! I actually got a decent shot where Esther doesn't look - too much like Tom Selleck.
- [DEAN.]
Aw, cool.
Why don't you send me the most Tom Selleck-y one? - Oh, that's funny.
- [PHONE BEEPS.]
Um, can you make sure to tag it EstherRichWithNineEyes? Dean, thank you.
[ESTHER.]
I cannot believe that Dean tagged me in that photo.
Do you think, like, this is what K-Fed felt like when he married Britney? He's like, "I got it!" I don't know, but when you smile like that, your cheeks look like two fat guys' stomachs! Cheese! Just out of curiosity, do you feel like you have any need for, like, a T-shirt or a tote bag that has the picture of me and Dean on it? Just 'cause I was gonna order a couple of things, and it's free shipping when you spend over $50.
And honestly, that's just, like, a deal you don't pass up every day.
- Esther - What? You realize that that was a fake picture for a fake relationship.
Benjamin, of course, on some level I do understand that.
However [WHISPERS.]
you never know, okay? Did you know that neither Dean nor I do laundry? Like, that means we're both on the same page.
Esther, that's 'cause he pays someone to do his laundry for him, and you turn your underwear inside out until it turns into underwear bark.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
Can I show you something? I'm 37 weeks back on Amanda's Instagram.
She's such an amazing sculptress.
I wanna date an art teacher so bad.
I wanna be the focal point of someone's artwork.
- That's a good point.
- I could be a muse, like Sharon Stone, but a guy.
Oh, man, this sucks! What, Amanda didn't reach out to you again, did she? - Everything cool? - No, I lost four grand on the Utah Jazz.
Oh, Amanda, yeah, no, I haven't heard from her in, like, 24 hours.
Your stupid plan actually worked.
Yeah, who knows more about being lonely and desperate than me? Hey, whatever works, man.
I just can't believe little Esther pulled through It's amazing, man.
I mean, she looks so gross in those photos.
It was so funny.
Yeah, no, that's me.
Gross, funny, smart, cool.
I'm your guy.
Anyway, I need you to stay in the house all day and not go anywhere because I'm waiting for a suit to be delivered.
And I want you to sign for it.
If they leave it out front, that's a no-no, okay? I got all sorts of plants out there.
I don't need stigma and, like, gymnosperms on my suit, you understand what I'm saying? Wait, wait.
Really quick.
No, don't backtalk.
Look, look, I have a hot yoga class later.
Why are you whispering? You guys don't talk loud enough.
- Sorry.
- It's embarrassing.
I have a hot yoga class today.
I can't Take a later class.
Obviously.
I can't, this instructor just gets my body type.
Dude, you're not gonna be messing with my schedule, okay, just because you have child-bearing hips.
What, are you body-shaming me 'cause I've got Mom's hips? This is what I gotta do.
I just did something nice for you! Can't you just do something nice for me? Exactly, you did something nice for me, then I thanked you, so you owe me.
I'm not.
I just -Thank you.
Now you owe me again.
Yeah, Benji, just do it.
What's your problem? Do as your brother asks.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh.
Hey.
Is Dean home? No.
No, he's not.
Where is he? Is he with that girl, the confident pizza chef? Um, I don't really know where he is.
He's Dean.
He's probably at a yacht auction or something.
A Yachtion.
It's a word I just make up.
[CHUCKLES.]
Amanda, by the way.
Are you Dean's housekeeper or something? No, I'm his brother.
You're Dean's brother? Yes, I'm Dean's brother.
My mom had an elective C-section, so I was born two weeks early.
I could've used the whole nine months, obviously, that's what God wants you to have, but she wanted to get back to work, and now I'm this.
Oh, you poor thing! If I just got one more week, man, woot! I'd be, like, 5'8", running a hedge fund, just alpha-ing everybody around, throwing coffee at my assistant.
It'd be awesome.
You are so much funnier than Dean.
Oh, thanks, you know, I'm a comedic personality.
That's amazing! I always thought comedians were so brave.
Oh, yeah, totally.
Everyone's like Marines, but it's comedians.
Give me your phone.
I'll give you my number in case you every need it.
- You sure? - Yeah.
There's probably moisturizer and nail polish all over that phone from all the numbers girls are giving me.
You know, you're just another girl giving me her phone number.
Good night, sweet prince.
I'm sorry I wasn't right for you on the outside.
It's over, Benji.
The likes and comments have stopped rolling in.
Esther, Dean is really, really out of your league.
He dates girls right before they marry Adam Levine.
Are you saying I could marry Adam Levine now? No, I'm saying people like you and me gotta know our place in the world.
You can't just date anybody.
Like, Amanda came by earlier and gave me her number.
That doesn't mean I'm gonna ask her out.
What? You have Amanda's number?! Are you kidding me? I'm sitting here refreshing my ass off for hours, and you finally tell me that? Come on, who cares? I mean, she's just messing with me.
She laughed at my jokes, but it's pretty obvious she just gave me her number to try to get back at my brother.
- Um, hello? - Hello.
So what, okay? Dude, don't you see? Amanda wants to be with you to get to Dean.
Dean wants to be with me to get rid of Amanda.
It's a win-win-win-win situation.
Four wins.
Four people can win.
All right, I guess you're right.
I'll call her.
Yay! Oh, my God, we haven't agreed this much since we saw Moana.
Moana was so good.
It's, like, the only time The Rock has ever been believable.
I know, it was amazing.
It's the Goodfellas for our generation.
Okay, so we gotta play this real smart.
Like, we wanna rehearse.
We wanna know exactly what you're gonna say to Amanda, word for word, - calculated, planned out.
- [RINGING.]
- I already dialed.
- No, stop! - It's ringing! - Hang up! We're not ready! Hello, please hold for Mr.
Benji.
[SOFTLY.]
I forgot your last name.
Hey, what's up? Sorry, new assistant.
Um, can you just hang on one sec? Sorry, one sec.
I don't know.
-Should I invite her to minigolf? No.
Do you want to sound like a psycho? Ask her if she wants to try Zumba lessons.
No, caricatures at the beach? [FREAKING OUT.]
Um, so I was thinking if you're not busy tonight, do you want to come over for dinner? I can cook.
Tonight? -Yeah, Dean is going to that real estate gala.
- He won't be here.
- The ball? - Oh, my, the ball.
- Oh, okay, yeah! Sweet.
All right.
See you then.
- Oh, my God! - Okay, wait.
We need to do something that will make Dean want to retaliate against her.
- That's right.
- Nothing too violent.
Not quite a felony, but almost felonious.
Yeah I know what we can do.
I feel so alive.
I feel like a Bruce Springsteen song right now.
I just feel, like Ow.
I bit my tongue.
It hurts really bad.
It stings.
Dude, okay, you know what? Your stupid Instagram trick didn't work.
Amanda just threw another one of these fat blue statues through my window.
Someone threw a statue through your window? Wow, that picture of Esther must've really gotten to her.
Why are you guys talking like this now? What's the deal? Why are you guys talking like that, like, "Oh!" That's weird.
You know what, it doesn't even matter, okay? You said it would work and it didn't, okay? So stop playing puzzle like you're sitting shiva, - and fix this! - BENJI: Can I pitch you an idea? You should take Esther to the LA Realtors Association event! Think about it, man.
You're gonna go there with Esther, who's pretty much a wet baby hippo.
It's gonna drive Amanda crazy.
She's not gonna be interested in you at all! - [LAUGHS.]
- What? What's so funny? You want You want me to take Esther to my work event, okay, and have her stand next to me So, like, my colleagues would see that? Bro, a Property Bro is going to be there.
The good-looking Property Bro is going to be there.
Come on, I read the invitation.
It's gonna be passed apps.
He won't even notice Esther.
You won't see me.
I'll be out of your way.
It'll just be the hearsay that I was there.
Man, you know what, Amanda is going to think I am disgusting, dude! Honestly, I'm a genius, man.
This is great.
Okay.
Esther, I want you to get off your ass and we're gonna go shopping right now.
- I could shop.
- Yeah, you can and you will.
You're gonna dress not like a fat kid on laundry day.
Dude, you don't wanna try crackers with honey? Shut up.
Come on, let's go.
It's our second date.
Whoo! This is your day.
You can date a tall hot guy.
What do you think? Wow, I'm surprised that actually fits you.
Really? Oh, I usually shop in the kids' section just 'cause it's more affordable and more flattering for my body type.
You are going to be the cutest flower girl.
Aunt Debbie's going to be so proud of you.
Oh, you have a beautiful daughter! Hi.
Esther, we have to go now.
Okay, we can go.
Um, just so you know, I'm gonna go rip the dress, and then I'm gonna tell them there was some damage.
- We'll get a discount.
- Nice.
Usually girls want me to spend more money on them, not less.
I guess I'm not like most girls.
No, you're not.
Not at all.
Oh, my God, it smells so good.
Well, thank you.
It's my Moroccan grandmother's polenta recipe.
Oh, you're really different from most of the guys I go out with.
You mean most guys don't make you polenta with paprika so fresh that it'll deviate your septum? Hmm.
Speaking of most guys, where is Dean tonight? He is, uh I think he's doing a charity basketball game with Macklemore.
Hmm.
So, can I help with anything? Uh, sure.
You want to, um, slice some tomatoes? - Oh, yeah.
- Cool.
Oh, heirloom tomatoes are my favorite! They're in season right now, too.
Let's just not use those.
Let's use canned tomatoes.
Realtors Association Gala.
Is this where Dean is? Is he with that confident pizza chef? Oh, her, she's just she's nobody.
She's not a threat to you.
She's just a loser.
There's nothing to be intimidated by.
She's a walking yeast infection.
It's fine.
You are just like your brother.
- I'm nothing - All you guys do is lie.
- Let's start over.
- I'm going to confront him.
You don't gotta confront anybody.
Come on, let's talk this through.
You've gotta move on from guys like Dean.
Move on to someone who appreciates you and your art, you know? Come on, I've been caramelizing onions for eight hours! I don't care how many Wheat Thins I flush down the toilet.
It's your old pipes.
It's your problem.
You hear me? And cut to me on my birthday with a brand-new toilet.
- Wow.
- I'm just saying.
Oh, my God, boys, you keep me young.
- You really do! - I love that! - I just love that! - All right, I gotta fill up the old gas tank with some spanakopita.
Um, I'll let you guys talk amongst yourselves, okay? - Okay! - Yeah? [LAUGHS.]
I love it! I love it! Dean, she's a firecracker! Why have you never introduced me to this woman before? Yeah, it's weird.
At first I thought she was annoying, but she kind of just laughs at all my jokes, no matter what, and that's really cool for me 'cause I'm trying to work on my comedy Dean? Did you want a Dean? - Give me a second.
- Okay.
- Dean, hi! - Hey, what's up? How come you can't be like this all the time? - What? Oh, did I do good? - Yeah, you did pretty good.
I think your friends are great.
I hate that guy.
He grew his hair out long after I did.
- Dean, Dean, Dean - What are you doing? What are you doing here? I said that.
You don't Same.
I said it, too.
I'm sorry.
So, Amanda was at our house and I was cooking her dinner Hold on a second.
You had a date with Amanda? It wasn't really a date.
It was part of our scheme! It was all in this together.
Hold on, okay.
You don't actually believe that I'm that easy to be manipulated, do you? Dean, you are way too handsome to be manipulated.
- That is not what this is - Oh, God! - No, no, no - That's obviously what this is.
Listen up, guys.
Amanda's gonna be here any second.
I didn't intend for any of this to happen.
You've dated everyone in LA.
There's no way for us to not be brothers and Eskimo brothers.
- I'm sorry! - She's crazy I need to talk to you.
- Hey.
- In private.
Not so fast, Amanda, hi.
Anything you want to say to Dean tonight, you can say it in front of me because I'm his plus-one and maybe more than that.
You must be Esther.
That's right, I am Esther.
I knew you were confident from Dean's photo, but the way you rock that quinceañera dress in public proves it.
Actually, thank you Or gracias.
Whatever you got to say, just say it, go ahead.
[SCOFFS.]
Fine.
What kind of monster sleeps with someone for three weeks and suddenly just doesn't return their calls? I've been trying to contact you for the last month.
No, that's crazy.
I We had sex together ten times, tops.
Okay, that barely warrants a call back.
What do you think, we're married? That's really bad, Dean.
In all fairness, a girl's never slept with me ten times.
That's pretty much marriage for me.
No.
I told her I told you I didn't want to be in a relationship.
You did not say that! You asked me to pick you up at the airport.
That's because I'm protesting Uber because you know what's been happening with them lately.
For real, any time you need a ride to the airport, I will do it for you, I promise you.
- Anytime, LaGuardia - I will never accept a ride from you ever.
Ever! I want to say I'm sorry.
I didn't know you weren't crazy.
He made it seem like you were a nutbag.
I would not have tried to schtupp my brother's girlfriend.
I didn't know you were sleeping together.
No, your brother was a total dick to me and thought I would just go away, but I'm taking a stand so he doesn't do this to the next girl.
Okay, well, now you know she's lying, because no girl cares that much about what other girls think.
- I do sometimes.
- He makes a really good point because if you were trying to make a feminist stand, then why'd you then give him a statue as a gift? Since Dean clearly lacks respect for women, I wanted him to have a constant reminder of the eternal power of the female form.
That's the craziest thing I've ever heard.
I don't even know what that means.
- Let's go.
- I'll see you later.
- Don't listen to her.
- Now! Can I talk to you? I'm just curious.
Um, you can't entertain a girl for one hour? I was up against impossible odds! - What? - We're ugly people trying to sleep with pretty people.
Do you think that's what Darwin wanted? We're gonna be their rebounds, okay? They're gonna fight, they're gonna be sad, they're gonna be broken, and we're gonna swoop in and pick up the pieces.
Let's not let this plan go.
Yeah.
We can make it work.
[CLATTERING.]
Well, of course that's what's happening.
[MOANING.]
- Excuse me, ma'am.
- Oh Earlier you requested a personal tray of spanakopita.
I'm so sorry, but you must have me confused with someone else.
Are you sure, 'cause I thought it was you.
It wasn't me, but I do think that I know who it was, and I can get that to her.
- Well - Just hand it over.
- Sure.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
- Appreciate it.
Thank you.
- He knew you were lying.
- Whatever.
I'm gonna take a hot bath and listen to Britney.
I just wanna wash my hands.
I couldn't because I didn't want the spray tan to come off.
It's the white Jaguar, and I know exactly how much change there was in that cup holder, so don't be a bad hombre, comprendito? I'm not the valet, dude.
We talked for, like, 30 minutes earlier.
Remember, I told you that story My mistake.
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.
Thank you so much for getting Dean and I back together.
Sure, yeah, happy you guys are happy.
Yeah.
Can I ask you a question? - Sure.
- Is it more fun to be smart or pretty? You are so cute! Yeah.
Can you answer the question? Um smart? - Really? - No.
- Okay.
- Pretty.
We're putting you on the spot.
I'm sorry.
It was good to see you again.
Oh, I'm actually seeing Dean at your house tonight, - so I'll see you there.
- See you then! Oh, my God, I love her.
Hear that? I would've actually had a chance with her What about me looks like a valet parker? What are the visual cues that I'm a valet parker? Am I wearing a red vest and a bowtie? Benji, you have a serviceman's face.
It's not her fault.
It's not a bad thing, okay? - James Franco has it.
- And, of course, his Jaguar comes before my car.
It's like I have the vibes of someone you shouldn't respect.