Alpha House (2013) s01e05 Episode Script

1 So, Gil I hear you've got an Ethics conclave this morning.
Don't even start, buddy.
You know, I can't talk about it.
Hey, I'm in the middle of a campaign here.
At least you can give me a heads up Robert, if we talk about this, they'll haul my ass before the committee.
You know how it works.
Really? Un-be-lievable.
Ridiculous.
Come on, women just say that.
Oh, but they really mean it.
I am going to miss this.
Miss what? Love among the trophies.
What are you talking about? Andy, I have to find another place to live.
What, why? Come on, it's unfair to the guys having me around, and it changes everything.
Poor Gil John, he can't even walk around his own house naked anymore, and neither can I.
Which isn't fair to me.
Andy, I'm too old for dorm life.
I'm just I'm gonna look for a hotel suite that can double as an office for me and Benny, and otherwise I'm just gonna have to shuttle to and from Miami.
That really was one for the record books.
Thanks.
Wait, but no, before I order your plaque, I need to make sure it wasn't a fluke.
- That it's replicable.
- Replicable? Double or nothing.
Ay, Dios mio.
Buenos dias, lawmakers.
Hey, Adriana, how's it going? No kidding.
I got it.
Hi, you must be here about the housekeeping job.
I'm Mrs.
Biggs.
Mrs.
Bi Oh, my God.
Que pena.
I'm so embarrassed.
Gil John, it's your wife.
I'm so sorry, I don't have my contact lenses in, so I didn't see the resemblance.
The what? Oh, my God.
No, not the resemblance.
You're not related.
I mean, you are related, but you're not related.
Well, you are related.
I just you are not rela You're related Who are you? Maddie, Maddie, this is Adriana, Andy's friend.
- Oh.
- I must sound like a dolt.
Goodbye, Adriana.
Have a great run.
Thanks.
Maddie, how are you? Andy is dating that? Well, we were a little puzzled at first too, but once you get to know her, she's actually very rich and powerful.
Mmm.
Gil John, I've booked the Washington room at the Hyatt for this afternoon.
Robert, are you available? We could use some feedback from a debate pro.
Ah, I got to check my schedule.
Well, we would so appreciate it.
Gil John missed the debates in the last election, so he could really use some pointers.
Good lord! Oh, this is the Brooks Brothers outlet corner.
Look at all these beautiful suits.
Oh, G.
J.
, if only you had Robert's taste.
What a difference that would make.
Oh! Now this is just very, very becoming.
Robert, do you mind if we try this? Try this? Yeah.
- Room's clean, Senator.
- Thank you, Jay.
You're welcome.
All right, ladies and gentlemen, we are now in executive session of the select committee on ethics.
This is a preliminary hearing launched Why are we being locked in? Is this like a death-match thing? 'Cause I'm pretty sure I can take you all.
This is a preliminary hearing launched when a sworn complaint against a member seems credible enough to warrant further inquiry.
Counsel.
Okay, I believe you've all been briefed on the complaint.
Not me, no, sir.
That's because you skipped the briefing, Gil John.
In order to be briefed, you have to actually be present.
So true.
Showing up is key.
Woody Allen was right.
I wouldn't know.
I'm more of a Larry "The Cable Guy" guy.
Any of y'all seen "Health Inspector"? It's a classic.
Better than "Hannah and Her Sisters"? Pfft! No comparison.
Let me guess, Gil John, you're going to throw up gorilla dust all morning because Robert's your friend.
Well, it sounds like he could use one 'cause this complaint's bullshit.
The complaint you know nothing about.
The charge is that Robert accepted gifts for his vote in favor of the Mohair subsidy, that he's in the pocket of "Big Goat.
" Given your personal connection, I wonder whether you might not want to recuse yourself, Gil John.
I was wondering the same thing, and now I join the chair in wondering it aloud.
The lady and gentleman need not trouble themselves.
According to SR-338 Section D, "a member of the committee shall be ineligible "to participate in any inquiry relating to bracket 'I' "the conduct of, bracket Roman numeral one, as such member, bracket Roman numeral two, "any officer or employee the member supervises, "or, bracket Roman numeral three, any employee of any officer the member supervises.
" Now, any of these exceptions sound like me? Any mention of recusing for wingmen? I didn't hear it.
I rest I rest myself.
All right then.
Proceeding.
"While sensational new poll numbers "seem to have restored "Louis Laffer's political prospects, "it is the steady outpouring of cards "And flowers and prayers, and tweets with kitten gifts that have revived the Senator's spirits.
" He got his little head stuck.
- "Each and every day" - Shelby, Shelby! You're talking out loud again.
Oh, sorry', ma'am.
Let the boy be, Louise.
He's just doing his job.
But does he need to do it here? I'm micro-blogging, Mrs.
Laffer.
The Senator's story is breaking really big, and my editor wants me to surround the story and flood the zone.
Breaking big.
Me.
Knock, knock! Look who's here Oh, Tammy, aren't you nice to drop by? Oh, and look at those balloons! Your favorite colors, right, Louis? In certain combinations, absolutely.
Thank you, Tammy.
Oh, well, they're from all of us at the office, sir.
We feel just so badly that the trip was so poorly organized.
Well, let's give the Taliban a little credit, Tammy.
They're a formidable adversary.
"Even now, lying in a hospital bed Laffer has no time for bitterness.
" Shelby, could I have a word with you? Sure, ma'am.
Perhaps you could flood the zone out there.
So, what do you think, sir? Think? About what? My new look.
Well, your comment about my top blouses, I kind of took it to heart.
Oh, jeez, Tammy, I apologize.
I know it sounded like sexual harassment, - but I I was just kidding.
- Oh, no, no, no.
It was kind of a wake-up call about dressing professionally.
I'm just, I'm trying my best not to look cheap.
Oh, Tammy, you never look cheap.
Oh, isn't she sweet? Julie's been helping me out.
She didn't need much help, just a few fresh ideas.
We found some darling jackets and some cute, little ruffled cross-over tops That don't show anything.
That new "Nicole Miller" line.
Yes! How'd you know? In the post.
The, uh, ads.
- Oh.
- Next to the hard news.
Anyway, you look very office-ready but in a guy-ready way.
I'm sure Aaron will approve.
I hope so.
He he doesn't seem to approve of much so far.
Tammy, you got to trust the love doctor.
He wouldn't have introduced you two if he didn't see potential.
You should go see him yourself, Julie.
Maybe he'll give you a prescription.
- Excuse me, Senator? - You never know.
He's got a pretty good track record 13 marriages.
Oh, I don't really think that's in the cards for me, sir.
You keep me pretty busy.
Good point, I do.
I push my team hard.
Way to lean in, Julie.
- I'm back.
- Whoa! Hey, hey! Yeah? So? Quite a trip, no? You tell me.
How'd it play? "Senator Louis Laffer, others, attacked in Afghanistan.
" "Others"? That's all I got? Except for the part where you were, "rescued by mystery Latina and whisked home on her party plane.
" We had to get Louis home.
No one could have predicted that attack, Katherine.
It was an act of God.
Yeah, attacked in a war zone.
What are the odds? And, by the way, that's exactly how the Taliban spokesman described it.
- How? - As an act of God, so you're on the same page.
Okay, we'll get past this.
- Uh-huh.
- It's only a couple of cycles.
Anything to read into the record? Yes.
"Senor Hee-Haw" died at 86.
What? Oh, no.
I loved that guy.
I know.
I'm sorry.
Mr.
President, I rise today to mourn the death and celebrate the life of Julian Ortiz Paradero, known to two generations of Floridian children as "Senor Hee-Haw.
" Paradero, who played his irascible character on Miami's "Channel 5" for over 43 years Taught millions of enchanted youngsters how to count in English, tie their shoes, and share with others.
Although "Senor Hee-Haw" was dogged by unproven charges of endangering minors in his later years, many of us will not soon forget his twinkling eyes and his trademark falsetto giggle.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
"Senor Hee-Haw.
" Oh, uh, cancel my haircut, would you? I got to go over to the Hyatt this morning.
Yes, sir.
Need a car? Nah, that's okay.
I'll walk.
Oh, hey, Randall.
Well, good morning, Senator.
Randall, where do we stand on the water rings on the sideboard of my office? Oh, the finish is damaged, sir.
It's not a cleaning issue.
Baaam! Wrong answer.
The right answer is "whatever it takes, Senator.
" That's how you get ahead.
I'm retiring next week.
Well, there's plenty of time.
You're call.
Aaron, you got time for a little walk and talk? Of course, sir.
It's all about the pride, Randall.
It's all about the pride.
So Did you hook up with Tammy? Uh, I'll tell you, Senator, if you promise to never say "hook up" again.
Okay, fair enough.
Okay, so, we did hang out a couple of times Aha! Yeah, was it love? Huh, was it love? It didn't feel like there was no gravity and shit? I don't know, sir.
I mean, she's smart and good-looking and all.
She's just really, really white.
And I have to assume that you noticed that going in.
No, like, scary white.
Prohibitively white.
Like, sweaters and frisbees and camping and Michael Buble white.
Sweaters.
What's wrong with sweaters? - Nothing, it's just - Ah, come on, come on, come on.
Give it time.
People change.
Gotta go.
Sure, I voted for food stamps.
Why? Because cutting food stamps means taking the food out of the mouths of hard-working North Carolina farmers who produce food stamp food.
Now, I don't know if my opponent has ever missed a meal in his life, but I have, and believe me, it's no picnic.
Time.
Coach Mancusi, you have 30 seconds to respond.
Well, coach Biggs can pander to our wonderful farmers all he wants, but the fact remains that the cost of food stamps has skyrocketed.
We cannot afford any more wasteful RINO spending.
RINO? What "Republican in name only.
" Which brings me to my next question, Senator.
Your American conservative union rating plummeted to 98% last year.
Are you hopelessly out of step with your party? Well, hell, that's just 'cause I favored background checks.
As did Hitler, but go on.
- Thank you, Maddie.
- I'm Digger! So you would favor criminalizing private gun transfers between honest citizens? - Why? - I didn't say that.
For the record, I'm against it, so that's another sharp difference between us.
Oh, excuse me for the interruption.
Oh, that's okay, Mrs.
Biggs.
No, it's not, and she's Digger! Well, there is that famous temper of yours, - and I do mean famous.
- God damn it! Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Let's take a short break here to take lunch orders.
Shit, Robert, I'm gonna get killed on all these hippo issues.
I got a record supporting all the stuff Republicans used to be for.
Background checks, mandates, infrastructure, you name it.
I'm being fucked by my own petard.
You want you want a shoulder rub there, man? No.
Come on, it's not gay, it's just a shoulder rub.
Hang on.
Sweetie? Louis? Uh-huh? Louise? - Right here.
- I'm coming, I'm coming.
- Whoa, whoa! - Louise? Louise? Oh, there you are.
Oh! Don't need that.
Hello, PTSD.
So What's going on? Your 4:00 video chatter with Lola? James is gonna set it up.
It only takes a second, sir.
Easy-peasy.
She's been so worried.
She's been praying for you between classes.
Aw, my poor baby girl.
She didn't sign on for this A dad who goes to where the shit is.
Wincing, wincing.
Oh, sorry.
Soldier talk.
Daddy? Wait, who are you? Oh, sorry.
I'm James, Ms.
Laffer.
I work for your dad.
I was just getting him set up for your chat.
- Lola, honey? - Oh, hi, daddy.
I've been so worried about you.
- How's your poor leg? - It's fine, honey, really.
They've got me all put back together.
- Can I show her? - Mm-hmm.
Here, let me show you.
Oh, my gosh, daddy, that's awful.
No, no, really, the thing's just supporting it.
No big deal.
Hi again.
Hi.
Again.
We're back.
This question goes first to Senator Biggs.
You have two minutes to respond.
Senator, you have always opposed the death penalty on religious grounds, but if Maddie Biggs were raped and murdered, would you favor the death penalty for the killer? If she what? Well.
Well? Murdered how? How? What possible difference does that make? Just answer the fucking question.
Coach Mancusi, same question to you.
If Mrs.
Mancusi were raped and murdered, would you favor the death pen Hells yes.
I would favor ripping Th killer's balls off and throwing him out of an airplane! Jesus Christ on a four-man bobsled! What is the matter with you, Gil John? Senator Biggs, would you like to respond to coach Mancusi? The suit.
So Benny's setting me up with a suite at the Ritz-Carlton.
That's not far from here, right? Right.
K-street? It's just a short limo glide away.
Yeah, we're gonna get three rooms, a reception area, an office, and a bedroom.
Tell me more about your reception area.
Oh, that's where I receive my handsome legislator before I walk him through the office, straight into the bedroom.
And what if we don't make it all the way to the bedroom? I Benny would notice.
Okay, I'm gonna let you go.
Ciao! Mwah! Ciao.
What? She's moving to a hotel room.
I think you'd be thrilled.
Yes, because so many good things happen in hotels.
Look, cat, I get it.
I know I have a discipline problem.
I know people think I'm an addict.
I burned through three marriage counselors on that issue alone, but I've got it under control.
I promise.
To be continued.
I've got a meeting with Graydon Talbot.
Hold on, seriously? Yeah, he's in town for a couple of days.
Andy, you've been in the Senate for less than a year.
So has Ted Cruz.
Do you think he's waiting to put together a team? Obama waited five minutes.
It's different now.
No more keeping your head down.
No more waiting your turn.
Andy, Graydon Talbot is the biggest scumbag in national politics.
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Listen, we're just going to be spit-balling ideas.
No billables, it's not even a first date.
Not even a peck on the cheek.
Oh, what the hell? Andy, who am I, Ms.
Moneypenny? I'll see you later.
G.
J.
, I can't believe you weren't ready for the rape/murder question.
Everyone knows it.
It's a classic.
Well, excuse me for not boning up on my revenge fantasies, Maddie.
Listen, Digger's gonna try anything to get inside your head.
He's riding a considerable lead right now, and he can sew this up if you lose it during the debate.
We've got to preempt that and think of something - to throw him off balance.
- Recruiting violations.
And it can't be recruiting violations.
Why not? Because no one gives a damn, even if Digger Mancusi used hookers to recruit.
Fans only care about winning.
- Digger brought in hookers? - Ooh, no.
I'm just using that as an example.
Well, that's how rumors get started, Maddie.
How old were the hookers? Forget the hookers! I'm just saying stay away from basketball.
Stay away from basketball? I am basketball.
It's my brand for Christ's sake.
Well, there you are losing it again.
Well, I'm sorry, Maddie, but I got these triggers, okay? I admit it, and if some son of a bitch on TV asks me to imagine my wife's rape and murder, yeah, I might blow.
Why? Because it's fucking upsetting.
Really? Aww.
That's my honey bear.
For 17 years, he's been ready every day to help people, people who are ready to help themselves to turn their lives around, people who don't make excuses, who dig deep, like Robert Bettencourt himself who had a vision for himself and for Pennsylvania, and has been getting it done ever since.
Robert Bettencourt.
Accepting responsibility with no excuses.
My name is Robert Bettencourt, and I approve this message.
Oh, Randall, did you see the whole thing? - I did, Senator.
- And what'd you think? Well, with respect, sir, it doesn't matter what I think.
Well, why wouldn't it? That ad isn't intended for me.
What do you mean? You're running that ad for white voters to show them that you're feeling them.
I I understand.
That's politics.
You're doing what you gotta do, which is to go all "Clarence Thomas" on us.
That's fine, but you don't need my approval for something like that.
Well, aside from that, how'd you like it? Have a good evening, Senator.
- You look nice tonight.
- Really? - Yeah, you sound surprised.
- I am.
In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a bit fashion challenged.
No, no, I hadn't noticed.
I love your sweaters.
Well, thanks, but it's true.
- What was that? - Oh.
You hunt.
Used to.
Just squirrels.
Squirrels, why? Like, for fun? Of course not.
That's horrible.
For food.
Do you like squirrel? Like it? People eat squirrels? My people do.
During the summer months anyway.
We used to go up to this cabin in the woods my uncle has, and we'd shoot squirrels, and then the boys would skin 'em and gut 'em.
And then my sister and I, we'd clean 'em and put them in a big pot of water and soak for a couple days, and then on Saturday nights, we would quarter 'em and boil 'em for about 45 minutes or so, and then serve them with some red hot gravy Oh, which frankly makes the whole meal.
I mean, without the gravy, you just got stringy, grey meat.
Ugh.
Anyway, the gravy is pretty key.
Good times.
Wow.
Everything about that story Every detail Is just so so colorful.
Aww, you're sweet.
Let's go get hammered.
Hey, Graydon.
Hey, man, long time.
Whoo! Yes! Charles! "You put the flame on me" did you just get here? Did you miss that? I'm afraid so.
It's an interesting venue for a pitch, Graydon.
What, you mean, like, me pitching you? Oh, man, we got to fire both of our schedulers.
They got it backwards.
- Busy, are you? - Oh, yeah, but not for long.
I am technically retired.
Why would I want to run campaigns anymore? Money? I'm worth more than my entire Princeton class combined, and I didn't get rich running losing campaigns like Mike Murphy.
I got rich winning them.
What do I mean by winning? Great, great question.
The answer is 38 out of 50.
That's the number of opponents I drove out of politics forever.
That's forever.
Losers I fucked up so badly, they never ran again for anything.
So you're not pitching.
Oh, no, man.
I'm retired.
No offense.
Listen, I mean, you killed last fall.
- Props for that.
- Yeah.
But President? You're way out ahead of your headlights, dude.
You should be out there busting your hump to get other people elected.
You need them to owe you once you jump in.
But hell, a fucking intern from politico knows that - and so do you.
- Yeah.
So no charge.
Besides I am out of the game.
Hello, ladies and gentlemen.
We have Mr.
Graydon Talbot in the house.
Mr.
Graydon Talbot, you mind coming and doing something for us? Got to go.
Wait, Graydon, let me I'm retired, man.
Really.
So much fun.
We should do it again.
- Buenos noches.
- Good night, professor.
See you in class.
Let me guess, you teach.
- I do.
- Georgetown.
George Washington.
I'm a visiting professor from the university of Barcelona.
That's great.
What is? That I'm a professor, or from Barcelona? That you're visiting.