Amandaland (2025) s01e05 Episode Script
Camping
1
Mummy, can you not do that?
Johannes is picking me up. He's
going to pop in and meet the kids.
KNOCK ON DOOR I'll get it.
No, Mummy, wait. Mum, ju
Ugh.
Howzit? You must
be Amanda's sister.
Easy mistake. Mother.
Thanks, Mummy.
Hi!
Um I'm nervous.
This is ridiculous. I don't
know why I'm so nervous.
Don't be.
I've met loads of my
girlfriends' kids.
The trick is not to
make a big thing of it.
Heeey, guys!
Manus, Georgina, erm,
this is We know.
He's our new dad.
What are you talking
about, Manus?
No! No-one is
replacing your dad.
Johannes is absolutely not here
to replace Dad It was a joke.
Yes!
Yes, it was!
That was very, very funny.
That's very, very good.
I love that. I love it. So good.
Do you guys like £20 notes?
Yeah.
Sick. Ooh
FELICITY CLEARS HER THROAT Oh!
It couldn't have
gone better, frankly.
It was very organic. No-one
made a big thing of it.
Just absolute success story.
So when are WE going to
meet this new squeeze?
Oh It must be getting serious
if you're introducing
him to the children.
Well, you know He's a
special part of my life now,
and you kind of know after
three months, right, Fi?
Don't ask me. I've got
terrible boundaries.
I proposed to Della
on our second date.
Oh! Wow! Yeah.
Chris proposed to me on
my 18th birthday. Oh!
And later on that night, we
took each other's virginity.
And then we made love in each one
of my friends' parents' double beds,
just devouring
each other's bodies.
But not like now.
I can't even remember the last time
Chris and I even brushed hands.
What's in the bag, Anne?
Oh, er, Fatima's mum lent me a
tent for camping this weekend. Ah.
Yeah. There's still space
if you want to join.
I mean, everyone else is coming.
No, Anne, Anne, I'm still a maybe.
No, you're not. You're
taking this weekend off.
Noooo, thank you.
The only time I'm setting foot
in a tent is if it's a marquee,
and it's at Ascot,
and there's Pimm's.
What about a first-aid tent?
Of course I'd go in
a first-aid tent.
A gazebo? Would
you go in a gazebo?
Yes, I would go in a gazebo.
What about if you got murdered
and they put a tent over the
crime scene, would you?
Don't you have a whistle
to blow or something?
You got our deposit,
right, Anne?
Yes! Yes.
Me, Ned, Abs, Baby Isla and
..our main man here.
I bet you're a dab hand at
camping, Mal, being a gardener.
Me? No. The only time I've
camped was one Glasto with Abs.
Spent most of it behind a
falafel stand in a K-hole.
Tell me about it. I got stuck
in a cake hole this weekend.
Ate the whole thing.
I am pretty hormonal, though.
I'm not kicking that.
Is that your new
boyfriend, Amanda?
Yeah. Can I meet him?
No. Please?
Just quickly.
Hey! Hi! Hey, you.
Wow. Have you been checking
my browsing history?
Because sexy soccer mum
is one of my go-tos.
You must be Amanda's
piece of hot stuff.
Heh-heh. You can
call me Johannes.
OK, yeah, wow.
It's a pleasure to meet
you, your highness.
Yeah. No, Anne.
No wonder you kept this on the
downlow, dating African royalty.
It's Johannes. Johannes.
Yo-han-ness. Oh, Yo-han-ness!
Yeah, OK.
Apologies, your grace.
My name's Anne, AKA
the BFF from BITD.
Back in the day. Ah.
That's quite an impressive package
you're holding there, Anne.
Oh! It's a tent.
Yeah, there's a big gang of us
going camping over the weekend.
Oh, camping. I love camping.
My ouma used to have a
farm back in Magaliesburg.
We would camp
there every summer.
Aww.
I would love a
night under canvas.
What do you say, Amanda?
Oh, well, you're flogging a
dead horse there because, erm,
Amanda hates camping.
Twisting my words
a bit there, Anne.
I just find tents uncomfy because
I have very long legs and back.
Fine, then, I'll get a camper
van for you and the kids.
All the mod cons.
It'll be like a hotel room on
a campsite. You'll love it.
Yay.
Can't wait.
It's going to be so
much fun, your highness.
Thanks, Anne.
All right, right
hand down a bit.
That's good, that's
good, that's good!
This is so unfair.
Why can't I stay
here with Gan-Gan?
Gan-Gan's moving back home.
I'm not. You are, Mummy.
We talked about this.
Well, my new sauna's got a leak
and so they've turned off
the water until Thursday.
You don't need water, Mummy.
You entirely exist on
sherry and talcum powder.
GEORGIE SIGHS So lame.
Georgie, please
don't be difficult.
Why can't we go to
Florida or something?
I really don't
want to see Darius.
Come on. We're going to
have a nice family holiday.
With our new dad Johannes?
I hate you for making me go!
Ugh!
Hey! Where are your bags?
Ah When you're a seasoned
outdoorsman like I am,
you learn to travel
as light as possible.
Isn't he a dish?
How clever that he can fit all
his belongings into his pockets.
This isn't the camper I ordered.
Yes, I swapped it.
This'll look way better
on the socials. Right, OK.
I had an ex who
had one of these.
Carlos.
We used to drive it back
from Spain every summer
with 3lb of hashish
stuffed into the seats.
SHE CHUCKLES
Good times.
Manus, darling, let's go.
Hi. I'm Johannes.
You must be the guy who
lives in the basement. Yeah.
I'm envious already.
The only guy who should be
underneath my girlfriend is me.
THEY LAUGH
Er, you all right? Mal.
OK, fist bumps, yeah.
Er, Amanda said it's OK if
I catch a lift with you guys
down to the
campsite? Sure, sure.
Anything to keep my chick happy.
HORN HONKS Ooh! Sorry
about that, mate.
Here you go.
Lovely, mate. Thank you.
SHE CLEARS HER THROA
I'll drive, baby. OK.
OK. Right, seat belts on.
Right, seat belts on, everybody!
Oh, no.
We're right on top
of the toilets.
How are you? You
found us all right?
Are you serious, Anne?! Huh?
We're basically camping
on a septic tank!
Oh, erm, yeah. Sorry, Amanda.
I would've been here earlier
to get a better spot,
but my roof box
exploded on the M3.
Right, I'm going to need you
to move your tent over there
cos I need this view behind
me for my Insta shots.
Just pop yourself over there.
Yeah, yeah. Erm Yeah, OK.
Er, yeah, Darius, come on. You heard
the woman. Let's move the tent.
Why? You go round
the other side.
Go on.
TOILET FLUSHES
Where's Abs and the babs?
Isla has a temperature, so Abs
thought it best to stay at home,
so it's just the three of us.
Lads on tour! Woo!
Aye! Look at this.
Someone knows what
they're doing.
What do you Brits say?
"Full-kit wanker"?
That's me. All
the gear, no idea.
HE LAUGHS
Hey, Amanda, I
really like this guy.
Oh, yeah. That's, er, er
Come on, Anne. Chop chop.
Johannes.
Oh, JJ. Thanks. Nice
to meet ya. You too.
Now it's just me,
it's a bit overkill.
Nah, it's great.
There's plenty of room in my tent
if you want to bunk up with me.
Nah, we'll be fine
in here, mate.
It's actually more
spacious than it seems.
Yeah.
TOILET FLUSHES
Johannes? Baby?
Where's the loo in this thing?
I don't think the older
models have toilets.
The one I ordered had a
toilet, but you swapped it.
What? But I thought that was
the whole point of a camper van!
I don't do public toilets.
Hi-de-hi, campers!
Sorry we're late.
Hey, that's convenient,
innit? Right next to the bogs.
I'll just go over here, shall
I? Have you not brought a tent?
Oh, I bought it last
night on the internet.
It's in one of these
boxes somewhere.
God, I need a sit-down. It's
bloody miles from the car park.
Where's that chair?
Oh, bingo.
Mands, can I plug into
your camper thingy?
Sorry, Fi, this is
actually for my ring light.
Oh, just bosh it over, will ya?
Morten? Yeah?
Find them pre-mixed cocktails.
It's much better to build
a tent half-cut. Erm
Oh, I've found them. Great!
Do you want one?
Ooh, yes, please.
Thanks, baby. AIR
PUMP WHIRS LOUDLY
Morten, could you try and coax
Georgie out of the van, please?
Yeah. She's trying to
avoid Darius or something.
Hiya!
Is Della coming? Yeah, she's
going to join us later.
Great. One of the freezers
at work packed up,
so she's going to get a
taxi after service tonight.
BANG! Shit! Argh! Oh, my God!
It's fine, it's fine, it's fine.
I've got Prime. I'll order
another one for tomorrow.
Just got to find my
Not a real bang.
I wasn't scared.
Right, I'm off to find a tap.
Oh, Jesus.
Anyone want a glug
from my bladder?
No, Anne. I'm going to have to
drastically reduce my liquid intake
in light of this
no-toilet situation.
There's a toilet
literally there.
I do not use public
toilets, Anne.
Can you move you and your
bladder out of my shot?
Yep. Move it. All right,
who fancies a kickabout?
Anyone?
Hey, JJ, want to take a
look at my bowie knife?
Ohhh, sick!
Blimey O'Reilly,
that's a big 'un.
I'm pretty sure
they're illegal now.
What, this little thing? Nah.
I was gutting gazelles with
this when I was, like, eight.
It's so heavy!
All right, well, I'm going to
go and find some firewood, then.
Ah, firewood time!
Right, let's make this a
little more interesting.
The man who comes back with
the biggest log wins 20 quid.
Ooh!
Bit sexist.
Don't you want to
include the girls?
Oh, sorry.
Would any of the chicks like to
come and collect some firewood?
GIRLS SNIGGER
I rest my case.
Boys, to the woods!
BOYS CLAMOUR
I saw a good copse over
there with a fallen tree.
Isn't he the best?
OK, who's got the biggest log?
Oh, come on, Mal, you
can do better than that.
Look at JJ!
Yeah, I'm just going to collect some
kindling to start the fire with.
Mal knows he's not going to win.
Yeah, size isn't
everything, mate.
Try telling that to
your girlfriend, Twiggy.
LAUGHTER
You all right, JJ?
Y-yeah, sorry, mate.
JJ CLEARS THROA
My craziest time on safari
in South Africa was probably
swimming with a hippo.
They're so deadly, but
I like that about them.
Sexy, isn't he? Hippos have
a real big-dick energy.
I am not the person
to ask, Amanda.
I'm thinking of doing a hike
tomorrow. Anyone want to join me?
There's some standing stones
about four miles away.
OTHERS AGREE
Right, let's do it.
I think I'm going to
hit the hay, big man.
Do you mind if I sleep
in JJ's tent, though?
There might be a bit more
room, you know what I mean?
Yeah. No, course. Yeah.
OK, boys, on your feet.
Time for one last
duty of the night.
All the males are to piss around
the perimeter of the campsite.
What?! Johannes! No!
It will stop the foxes from
ripping up the trash bags
cos they hate the
smell of male piss.
And before any feminists
complain, it's biology, I'm sorry.
This is NOT cool, guys!
Yeah, we could just throw our
rubbish in the big bins over there.
That'll stop the foxes too.
A wild piss is one of life's
little pleasures, Twiggy.
Can we stop talking about pee?!
Yeah, and please
don't call me Twiggy.
Ah, it's only a
bit of fun, Twiggy.
LAUGHTER
MAN: Can you keep
it down, please?
Some of us are trying
to sleep! It's 8:15!
Sorry! Yeah, I'm out of here.
See you in the morning.
Hm.
Yeah, yeah.
Look, Diego, just move everything
you can to the other freezer
and I'll call the refrigeration
company in the morning, all right?
Goodnight.
Great, you made it.
SNIFFING
Why does it smell like a
Vauxhall piss club out there?
Delivery from The
Breakfast Club?
Yeah, great. There you go.
Three bacon rolls, yeah?
No! You're not meant to
have fruit in a freezer!
Thanks, mate. Thanks.
Dells! Morten! Bacon
sarnies are here!
God, do you know, I thought
that camping would be tough,
but it's actually
really fun, innit?
Morten! No, you've
got to use the
Right, I'm off for a shower.
Help yourself to my bladder!
SHE HUMS
Sorry, wrong shower!
Holy Mother of God.
OK, boys. 6km hike to
the standing stones.
JJ, you can bring up the rear, the
little kids can go in the middle,
and I'll lead from the front.
Erm, actually, I'll, erm
I'll lead if that's OK.
Ah OK.
Somebody wants to be
the head of the pride.
Can you read a map?
I've got my phone, mate.
It's the 21st century.
That's not really in the
spirit of orienteering, mate.
Who cares as long
as we get there?
Let's roll!
Bye, guys! Have the best time.
Right, follow this path, fellas.
See you later, my lady.
Isn't he great?
AMANDA CHUCKLES
So, our dilemma was, do we try and
cross the piranha-infested river
Oh, that doesn't
sound good. What?!
You're joking! ..or do we
walk back the same track
where we saw the
fuckin' crocodile?
No! Mm-mm.
OK, we can go right
just around here.
Erm, Ned, mate, you
got your phone on you?
No. Johannes said
leave it behind because
"what goes on tour
stays on tour."
Oh, shit.
I'll just get your golf clubs.
Right, thanks. Can I get
one small one as well?
Georgie, come here.
Come on. Come over here.
Darling, what is going on? I
just want us to have a nice time
and you're making it
really remarkably un-fun.
I'm literally on
holiday with my ex
and you're rubbing it in my
face with your new boyfriend.
Well, newsflash, Georgie - I'm
not having the best time either!
I haven't urinated for 26 hours
and I have a borderline UTI!
So I would really appreciate it
if you would just stop
moaning for 15 minutes
and try and smash a
ball up a windmill.
Ugh!
Right. Who's next?
Can I have one of those,
please? Yeah. Sure.
Thank you.
Er, sorry, can we just have two of
those, please? Sure. There you go.
Thank you.
That's the stump
we passed before.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Are we lost, Twiggy?
No. It's fine.
I think if we just keep
heading up this track here
OK, everybody, stop.
JJ, hand me the map.
I know where we are.
Well, you obviously don't because
we keep doing loop-the-loops.
Show me where you think
we are on your phone.
Yeah, well, I
I can't, because
the battery's out.
Aaahhhh!
HE LAUGHS
Twiggy! That is too funny.
Oh, my God! You've
got to be kidding me!
Why didn't you say anything, Dad?
It's OK, it's fine, it's fine.
I'll lead. It's this way.
Onwards!
Yeah, you lot carry on ahead.
I'm going to go back
to the campsite.
OK, Twiggy! Don't get lost!
Don't look at him.
Just concentrate.
38. Oh, fuck!
Yeah, I just sent you a video on
how to reset the thermostat, Diego.
Della! Dels! Are
you playing or what?
I'll call you back,
OK? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Isn't camping lush? Yep.
You know, I was thinking that we
could take the summer holidays off
and do a bit of road trip
round Italy Are you mad?
How do you think I can take
six weeks off the restaurant?
Just do it. You're the boss.
Yeah. Exactly.
I'm the boss. I'm in charge.
Do you know, some of the shit
you come out with sometimes
I just thought it'd be fun.
If I'm not at Shin or Double
Shin, it's a shitstorm, Fiona.
Look what a mess it is and
I'm only away for one night.
I don't think you appreciate
how difficult it is to do my
job sometimes. Or any job!
Well, I'm sorry.
I thought it'd be a
nice, fun family holiday.
Maybe you should have stayed
in your bloody kitchen
overcooking your
overpriced burgers. Ochh!
It's not even real golf!
Focus.
158. Anne.
I think you need to step away
from that alligator's hole.
Yeah, I'm just going to
..go back to my tent and
have a lie-down. Yeah.
Still got it.
SHE PUFFS TO HERSELF
SHOWER RUNS
MAN CLEARS HIS THROA
Can I have a word?
You all right? I should never
have come on this stupid trip.
Yeah, I know how you feel.
I'm having a bit of
a shocker myself.
I think my business
is about to close.
Oh, shit.
I massively overstretched
myself with Double Shin.
We're haemorrhaging money.
I think we've four,
maybe five weeks left.
I'm shitting my pants.
Have you told Fi? No.
I can't tell her.
Do you want to split this
antique ecstasy pill with me?
Where did you get that?
Found it in my tent.
Probably been there since the last
time I went to Glastonbury, so
..God knows if it still works.
CAMERA TIMER BEEPS
CAMERA CLICKS
Oh, my God! Oh, my bladder!
Thank you for the lift.
I'm a pervert.
I've been given a formal
warning for ogling men.
I can't stop myself.
Oh, Anne.
God, I've spent all these years
repressing the fact that I should
have been out there sowing my oats
instead of marrying the first
man who came along and now
it's all just bubbling over
and I can't help myself.
Stop this, Anne.
You're peri-meni.
We all are. Oh, speak
for yourself, Fi.
Is that what this is?
It's your body getting rid
of the last of your eggs.
You're looking for
anybody to impregnate you.
It makes you an
absolute horndog.
Well, that actually
makes a lot of sense.
Thanks, Fi.
That's a relief.
I don't even care about
cock. It's got me too.
Wow.
Must be really hard for you
being around Johannes, Anne.
You know, because
..he's so sexy.
Actually, no.
He's the only man who
doesn't arouse me.
Oh, for God's sakes.
Would you stop drinking
in front of me, Anne?
Oh, come on now.
Look, if you won't use the
campsite loos, so be it,
but at least try and have a
wee in that copse over there.
No-one's going to
see you. Just go!
I'm so desperate.
Go on now! Oh, God!
SHE SLURPS
SHE PEES
Do you feel anything? Nope.
AMANDA SCREAMS What was that?
I'll go check.
Ah, cool.
Baby, you OK? Mum?
Snake. Snake!
Snake. It's a snake!
Snake! Wow. Cool!
That's sick.
This isn't a snake.
This is an earthworm
with a leather jacket.
What's all the screaming?
Look, you seen this, boys?
Yeah, I'd put that down if I
was you, mate. That's an adder.
HE CHUCKLES
You want to see a real adder,
you should see the puff
adders back in Kruger
HE SCREAMS Oh,
my God! Johannes!
Little shit bit me. Right.
We need to get you
to hospital. What?
Keep your hair on, Twiggy. It's
only a silly little baby snake.
It's poisonous, Johannes. What?
Oh, it's poisonous,
is it? Right, fine.
OK, well, better suck the
poison out, then, hadn't I?
No, Johannes, don't. Johannes,
please, stop. Are you filming this?
Now you're just putting
poison in your mouth.
You should listen
to him, Johannes.
Mal's a gardener. He
knows about snakes.
Shut up, JJ. OK!
See?
It's abtholutely fine.
Oh, my tongue's gone flat.
Oh, for God's sakes,
Johannes! Right, come on.
We're going to hospital. I don't
need to go to the hospital.
You do. Mal, will you
come with us, please?
Er, I don't know if
that's a good idea.
Just to sit in the
back with him, please.
Just go.
Please come with us. I don'
need to go to hobbital.
Fine. OK, it's OK.
IMAGINARY DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
Don't panic, guys, don't
panic! Everything's OK.
Johannes, hang in there.
We're nearly there.
Mal, are you all right?
Mal? Mal! Yeah.
Yeah, I'm fine.
Can you turn that
music up a bit?
What? There isn't any music. Oh.
Cool.
Thought you'd bogged
off back to Shin.
Let's go to Morocco!
Yeah, right.
No, I'm serious.
Let's go at half term.
You, me and Morten.
Let's just go and eat tagine and
go to the souk and ride camels
and it'll be amazing because
it'll only be three of us
and we won't be anywhere
near the restaurant
and I'll turn my phone
off and it'll be amazing.
You've never turned
your phone off.
Fuck my phone, fuck
work. Fuck everything.
Oh, you were right.
I love you so much,
baby. Are you serious?
Here, take my credit
card. Book it.
Casablanca, here we come!
THEY SQUEAL AND LAUGH
Yeah, so I'm going
to get my phone
because it has all my passwords
and photographs in it, so
Where is it?
You lobbed it in
that bush, mate.
Sick!
Stinks of piss over here.
MAL HUMS TO HIMSELF
I think there's bound to be clean
toilets in the Bupa wing, don't you?
You shouldn't be with Johannes.
What?
He's not good enough
for you, Amanda.
Well, I think you're in
the minority there, Mal,
because everyone
clearly adores Johannes.
God, sorry, your
Your hair is like it's made
of golden beams of light.
Can I bob your hair?
PHONE PINGS
Oh, great.
Johannes says, "You can
pop in and see me now."
Great. I shall pop in.
SHE KNOCKS AT DOOR
Hey!
Hiii!
They need to keep
me in overnight.
They said the venom from
the snake that bit me
was more akin to
that of a king cobra.
Isn't that something? Yeah.
Do you mind if I use your loo
quickly, Johannes? No, of course.
I will be safe to travel back
to London in the morning.
The only thing is, it takes
some time for the poison
to leave your system. SHE PEES
So is it OK if I stay with you?
Amanda? Of course. Amazing!
It'll only be for a couple of weeks,
a month max. Is that OK, baby?
Great!
HORN BEEPS
Keep at it. Ha! The
brave soldier returns!
How are you feeling,
Your Highness? Ohh.
It was actually the worst
they've ever seen, Anne. Wow.
But they said my body
reacted so powerfully to it
because I have such a
strong immune system.
Right.
We could get a guide to take
us up the Atlas mountains.
And I've enquired
about that riad
that Damon Albarn
uses every Christmas.
And then I reckon that we just
spend, like, ages by the pool
just doing nothing. Ned, um,
you don't have to do that, mate.
No, it's all right, Dad. I
actually slept in here last night.
What? Is everything
all right, Dad?
Yeah, no, I'm good. I'm just
a little bit emotional today.
Yeah? I'm good, I'm good.
That really touched me.
Do you want a hug or something?
Yeah.
Good man. Listen.
Johannes is going to come and
stay with us for a couple of weeks
while he recovers from his bite.
But if you feel in any way
uncomfortable about that
No, I think that's
a nice thing to do.
And if he's your
boyfriend, then Yeah.
So you're sure that you
definitely don't mind
and you don't want
me to ask him to go?
Because just say, and I could
easily break up with him.
Nah, he's all right. And he'll
probably give us money, so
Right. Hey, boys!
Come and say goodbye.
Stay strong.
You're a legend.
Good man. Spend it wisely.
I'm proud of all of you boys!
Appreciate it. That's OK.
Georgie! Come on, we're going!
Bye. Bye.
I hate you for making me leave!
Mummy, can you not do that?
Johannes is picking me up. He's
going to pop in and meet the kids.
KNOCK ON DOOR I'll get it.
No, Mummy, wait. Mum, ju
Ugh.
Howzit? You must
be Amanda's sister.
Easy mistake. Mother.
Thanks, Mummy.
Hi!
Um I'm nervous.
This is ridiculous. I don't
know why I'm so nervous.
Don't be.
I've met loads of my
girlfriends' kids.
The trick is not to
make a big thing of it.
Heeey, guys!
Manus, Georgina, erm,
this is We know.
He's our new dad.
What are you talking
about, Manus?
No! No-one is
replacing your dad.
Johannes is absolutely not here
to replace Dad It was a joke.
Yes!
Yes, it was!
That was very, very funny.
That's very, very good.
I love that. I love it. So good.
Do you guys like £20 notes?
Yeah.
Sick. Ooh
FELICITY CLEARS HER THROAT Oh!
It couldn't have
gone better, frankly.
It was very organic. No-one
made a big thing of it.
Just absolute success story.
So when are WE going to
meet this new squeeze?
Oh It must be getting serious
if you're introducing
him to the children.
Well, you know He's a
special part of my life now,
and you kind of know after
three months, right, Fi?
Don't ask me. I've got
terrible boundaries.
I proposed to Della
on our second date.
Oh! Wow! Yeah.
Chris proposed to me on
my 18th birthday. Oh!
And later on that night, we
took each other's virginity.
And then we made love in each one
of my friends' parents' double beds,
just devouring
each other's bodies.
But not like now.
I can't even remember the last time
Chris and I even brushed hands.
What's in the bag, Anne?
Oh, er, Fatima's mum lent me a
tent for camping this weekend. Ah.
Yeah. There's still space
if you want to join.
I mean, everyone else is coming.
No, Anne, Anne, I'm still a maybe.
No, you're not. You're
taking this weekend off.
Noooo, thank you.
The only time I'm setting foot
in a tent is if it's a marquee,
and it's at Ascot,
and there's Pimm's.
What about a first-aid tent?
Of course I'd go in
a first-aid tent.
A gazebo? Would
you go in a gazebo?
Yes, I would go in a gazebo.
What about if you got murdered
and they put a tent over the
crime scene, would you?
Don't you have a whistle
to blow or something?
You got our deposit,
right, Anne?
Yes! Yes.
Me, Ned, Abs, Baby Isla and
..our main man here.
I bet you're a dab hand at
camping, Mal, being a gardener.
Me? No. The only time I've
camped was one Glasto with Abs.
Spent most of it behind a
falafel stand in a K-hole.
Tell me about it. I got stuck
in a cake hole this weekend.
Ate the whole thing.
I am pretty hormonal, though.
I'm not kicking that.
Is that your new
boyfriend, Amanda?
Yeah. Can I meet him?
No. Please?
Just quickly.
Hey! Hi! Hey, you.
Wow. Have you been checking
my browsing history?
Because sexy soccer mum
is one of my go-tos.
You must be Amanda's
piece of hot stuff.
Heh-heh. You can
call me Johannes.
OK, yeah, wow.
It's a pleasure to meet
you, your highness.
Yeah. No, Anne.
No wonder you kept this on the
downlow, dating African royalty.
It's Johannes. Johannes.
Yo-han-ness. Oh, Yo-han-ness!
Yeah, OK.
Apologies, your grace.
My name's Anne, AKA
the BFF from BITD.
Back in the day. Ah.
That's quite an impressive package
you're holding there, Anne.
Oh! It's a tent.
Yeah, there's a big gang of us
going camping over the weekend.
Oh, camping. I love camping.
My ouma used to have a
farm back in Magaliesburg.
We would camp
there every summer.
Aww.
I would love a
night under canvas.
What do you say, Amanda?
Oh, well, you're flogging a
dead horse there because, erm,
Amanda hates camping.
Twisting my words
a bit there, Anne.
I just find tents uncomfy because
I have very long legs and back.
Fine, then, I'll get a camper
van for you and the kids.
All the mod cons.
It'll be like a hotel room on
a campsite. You'll love it.
Yay.
Can't wait.
It's going to be so
much fun, your highness.
Thanks, Anne.
All right, right
hand down a bit.
That's good, that's
good, that's good!
This is so unfair.
Why can't I stay
here with Gan-Gan?
Gan-Gan's moving back home.
I'm not. You are, Mummy.
We talked about this.
Well, my new sauna's got a leak
and so they've turned off
the water until Thursday.
You don't need water, Mummy.
You entirely exist on
sherry and talcum powder.
GEORGIE SIGHS So lame.
Georgie, please
don't be difficult.
Why can't we go to
Florida or something?
I really don't
want to see Darius.
Come on. We're going to
have a nice family holiday.
With our new dad Johannes?
I hate you for making me go!
Ugh!
Hey! Where are your bags?
Ah When you're a seasoned
outdoorsman like I am,
you learn to travel
as light as possible.
Isn't he a dish?
How clever that he can fit all
his belongings into his pockets.
This isn't the camper I ordered.
Yes, I swapped it.
This'll look way better
on the socials. Right, OK.
I had an ex who
had one of these.
Carlos.
We used to drive it back
from Spain every summer
with 3lb of hashish
stuffed into the seats.
SHE CHUCKLES
Good times.
Manus, darling, let's go.
Hi. I'm Johannes.
You must be the guy who
lives in the basement. Yeah.
I'm envious already.
The only guy who should be
underneath my girlfriend is me.
THEY LAUGH
Er, you all right? Mal.
OK, fist bumps, yeah.
Er, Amanda said it's OK if
I catch a lift with you guys
down to the
campsite? Sure, sure.
Anything to keep my chick happy.
HORN HONKS Ooh! Sorry
about that, mate.
Here you go.
Lovely, mate. Thank you.
SHE CLEARS HER THROA
I'll drive, baby. OK.
OK. Right, seat belts on.
Right, seat belts on, everybody!
Oh, no.
We're right on top
of the toilets.
How are you? You
found us all right?
Are you serious, Anne?! Huh?
We're basically camping
on a septic tank!
Oh, erm, yeah. Sorry, Amanda.
I would've been here earlier
to get a better spot,
but my roof box
exploded on the M3.
Right, I'm going to need you
to move your tent over there
cos I need this view behind
me for my Insta shots.
Just pop yourself over there.
Yeah, yeah. Erm Yeah, OK.
Er, yeah, Darius, come on. You heard
the woman. Let's move the tent.
Why? You go round
the other side.
Go on.
TOILET FLUSHES
Where's Abs and the babs?
Isla has a temperature, so Abs
thought it best to stay at home,
so it's just the three of us.
Lads on tour! Woo!
Aye! Look at this.
Someone knows what
they're doing.
What do you Brits say?
"Full-kit wanker"?
That's me. All
the gear, no idea.
HE LAUGHS
Hey, Amanda, I
really like this guy.
Oh, yeah. That's, er, er
Come on, Anne. Chop chop.
Johannes.
Oh, JJ. Thanks. Nice
to meet ya. You too.
Now it's just me,
it's a bit overkill.
Nah, it's great.
There's plenty of room in my tent
if you want to bunk up with me.
Nah, we'll be fine
in here, mate.
It's actually more
spacious than it seems.
Yeah.
TOILET FLUSHES
Johannes? Baby?
Where's the loo in this thing?
I don't think the older
models have toilets.
The one I ordered had a
toilet, but you swapped it.
What? But I thought that was
the whole point of a camper van!
I don't do public toilets.
Hi-de-hi, campers!
Sorry we're late.
Hey, that's convenient,
innit? Right next to the bogs.
I'll just go over here, shall
I? Have you not brought a tent?
Oh, I bought it last
night on the internet.
It's in one of these
boxes somewhere.
God, I need a sit-down. It's
bloody miles from the car park.
Where's that chair?
Oh, bingo.
Mands, can I plug into
your camper thingy?
Sorry, Fi, this is
actually for my ring light.
Oh, just bosh it over, will ya?
Morten? Yeah?
Find them pre-mixed cocktails.
It's much better to build
a tent half-cut. Erm
Oh, I've found them. Great!
Do you want one?
Ooh, yes, please.
Thanks, baby. AIR
PUMP WHIRS LOUDLY
Morten, could you try and coax
Georgie out of the van, please?
Yeah. She's trying to
avoid Darius or something.
Hiya!
Is Della coming? Yeah, she's
going to join us later.
Great. One of the freezers
at work packed up,
so she's going to get a
taxi after service tonight.
BANG! Shit! Argh! Oh, my God!
It's fine, it's fine, it's fine.
I've got Prime. I'll order
another one for tomorrow.
Just got to find my
Not a real bang.
I wasn't scared.
Right, I'm off to find a tap.
Oh, Jesus.
Anyone want a glug
from my bladder?
No, Anne. I'm going to have to
drastically reduce my liquid intake
in light of this
no-toilet situation.
There's a toilet
literally there.
I do not use public
toilets, Anne.
Can you move you and your
bladder out of my shot?
Yep. Move it. All right,
who fancies a kickabout?
Anyone?
Hey, JJ, want to take a
look at my bowie knife?
Ohhh, sick!
Blimey O'Reilly,
that's a big 'un.
I'm pretty sure
they're illegal now.
What, this little thing? Nah.
I was gutting gazelles with
this when I was, like, eight.
It's so heavy!
All right, well, I'm going to
go and find some firewood, then.
Ah, firewood time!
Right, let's make this a
little more interesting.
The man who comes back with
the biggest log wins 20 quid.
Ooh!
Bit sexist.
Don't you want to
include the girls?
Oh, sorry.
Would any of the chicks like to
come and collect some firewood?
GIRLS SNIGGER
I rest my case.
Boys, to the woods!
BOYS CLAMOUR
I saw a good copse over
there with a fallen tree.
Isn't he the best?
OK, who's got the biggest log?
Oh, come on, Mal, you
can do better than that.
Look at JJ!
Yeah, I'm just going to collect some
kindling to start the fire with.
Mal knows he's not going to win.
Yeah, size isn't
everything, mate.
Try telling that to
your girlfriend, Twiggy.
LAUGHTER
You all right, JJ?
Y-yeah, sorry, mate.
JJ CLEARS THROA
My craziest time on safari
in South Africa was probably
swimming with a hippo.
They're so deadly, but
I like that about them.
Sexy, isn't he? Hippos have
a real big-dick energy.
I am not the person
to ask, Amanda.
I'm thinking of doing a hike
tomorrow. Anyone want to join me?
There's some standing stones
about four miles away.
OTHERS AGREE
Right, let's do it.
I think I'm going to
hit the hay, big man.
Do you mind if I sleep
in JJ's tent, though?
There might be a bit more
room, you know what I mean?
Yeah. No, course. Yeah.
OK, boys, on your feet.
Time for one last
duty of the night.
All the males are to piss around
the perimeter of the campsite.
What?! Johannes! No!
It will stop the foxes from
ripping up the trash bags
cos they hate the
smell of male piss.
And before any feminists
complain, it's biology, I'm sorry.
This is NOT cool, guys!
Yeah, we could just throw our
rubbish in the big bins over there.
That'll stop the foxes too.
A wild piss is one of life's
little pleasures, Twiggy.
Can we stop talking about pee?!
Yeah, and please
don't call me Twiggy.
Ah, it's only a
bit of fun, Twiggy.
LAUGHTER
MAN: Can you keep
it down, please?
Some of us are trying
to sleep! It's 8:15!
Sorry! Yeah, I'm out of here.
See you in the morning.
Hm.
Yeah, yeah.
Look, Diego, just move everything
you can to the other freezer
and I'll call the refrigeration
company in the morning, all right?
Goodnight.
Great, you made it.
SNIFFING
Why does it smell like a
Vauxhall piss club out there?
Delivery from The
Breakfast Club?
Yeah, great. There you go.
Three bacon rolls, yeah?
No! You're not meant to
have fruit in a freezer!
Thanks, mate. Thanks.
Dells! Morten! Bacon
sarnies are here!
God, do you know, I thought
that camping would be tough,
but it's actually
really fun, innit?
Morten! No, you've
got to use the
Right, I'm off for a shower.
Help yourself to my bladder!
SHE HUMS
Sorry, wrong shower!
Holy Mother of God.
OK, boys. 6km hike to
the standing stones.
JJ, you can bring up the rear, the
little kids can go in the middle,
and I'll lead from the front.
Erm, actually, I'll, erm
I'll lead if that's OK.
Ah OK.
Somebody wants to be
the head of the pride.
Can you read a map?
I've got my phone, mate.
It's the 21st century.
That's not really in the
spirit of orienteering, mate.
Who cares as long
as we get there?
Let's roll!
Bye, guys! Have the best time.
Right, follow this path, fellas.
See you later, my lady.
Isn't he great?
AMANDA CHUCKLES
So, our dilemma was, do we try and
cross the piranha-infested river
Oh, that doesn't
sound good. What?!
You're joking! ..or do we
walk back the same track
where we saw the
fuckin' crocodile?
No! Mm-mm.
OK, we can go right
just around here.
Erm, Ned, mate, you
got your phone on you?
No. Johannes said
leave it behind because
"what goes on tour
stays on tour."
Oh, shit.
I'll just get your golf clubs.
Right, thanks. Can I get
one small one as well?
Georgie, come here.
Come on. Come over here.
Darling, what is going on? I
just want us to have a nice time
and you're making it
really remarkably un-fun.
I'm literally on
holiday with my ex
and you're rubbing it in my
face with your new boyfriend.
Well, newsflash, Georgie - I'm
not having the best time either!
I haven't urinated for 26 hours
and I have a borderline UTI!
So I would really appreciate it
if you would just stop
moaning for 15 minutes
and try and smash a
ball up a windmill.
Ugh!
Right. Who's next?
Can I have one of those,
please? Yeah. Sure.
Thank you.
Er, sorry, can we just have two of
those, please? Sure. There you go.
Thank you.
That's the stump
we passed before.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Are we lost, Twiggy?
No. It's fine.
I think if we just keep
heading up this track here
OK, everybody, stop.
JJ, hand me the map.
I know where we are.
Well, you obviously don't because
we keep doing loop-the-loops.
Show me where you think
we are on your phone.
Yeah, well, I
I can't, because
the battery's out.
Aaahhhh!
HE LAUGHS
Twiggy! That is too funny.
Oh, my God! You've
got to be kidding me!
Why didn't you say anything, Dad?
It's OK, it's fine, it's fine.
I'll lead. It's this way.
Onwards!
Yeah, you lot carry on ahead.
I'm going to go back
to the campsite.
OK, Twiggy! Don't get lost!
Don't look at him.
Just concentrate.
38. Oh, fuck!
Yeah, I just sent you a video on
how to reset the thermostat, Diego.
Della! Dels! Are
you playing or what?
I'll call you back,
OK? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Isn't camping lush? Yep.
You know, I was thinking that we
could take the summer holidays off
and do a bit of road trip
round Italy Are you mad?
How do you think I can take
six weeks off the restaurant?
Just do it. You're the boss.
Yeah. Exactly.
I'm the boss. I'm in charge.
Do you know, some of the shit
you come out with sometimes
I just thought it'd be fun.
If I'm not at Shin or Double
Shin, it's a shitstorm, Fiona.
Look what a mess it is and
I'm only away for one night.
I don't think you appreciate
how difficult it is to do my
job sometimes. Or any job!
Well, I'm sorry.
I thought it'd be a
nice, fun family holiday.
Maybe you should have stayed
in your bloody kitchen
overcooking your
overpriced burgers. Ochh!
It's not even real golf!
Focus.
158. Anne.
I think you need to step away
from that alligator's hole.
Yeah, I'm just going to
..go back to my tent and
have a lie-down. Yeah.
Still got it.
SHE PUFFS TO HERSELF
SHOWER RUNS
MAN CLEARS HIS THROA
Can I have a word?
You all right? I should never
have come on this stupid trip.
Yeah, I know how you feel.
I'm having a bit of
a shocker myself.
I think my business
is about to close.
Oh, shit.
I massively overstretched
myself with Double Shin.
We're haemorrhaging money.
I think we've four,
maybe five weeks left.
I'm shitting my pants.
Have you told Fi? No.
I can't tell her.
Do you want to split this
antique ecstasy pill with me?
Where did you get that?
Found it in my tent.
Probably been there since the last
time I went to Glastonbury, so
..God knows if it still works.
CAMERA TIMER BEEPS
CAMERA CLICKS
Oh, my God! Oh, my bladder!
Thank you for the lift.
I'm a pervert.
I've been given a formal
warning for ogling men.
I can't stop myself.
Oh, Anne.
God, I've spent all these years
repressing the fact that I should
have been out there sowing my oats
instead of marrying the first
man who came along and now
it's all just bubbling over
and I can't help myself.
Stop this, Anne.
You're peri-meni.
We all are. Oh, speak
for yourself, Fi.
Is that what this is?
It's your body getting rid
of the last of your eggs.
You're looking for
anybody to impregnate you.
It makes you an
absolute horndog.
Well, that actually
makes a lot of sense.
Thanks, Fi.
That's a relief.
I don't even care about
cock. It's got me too.
Wow.
Must be really hard for you
being around Johannes, Anne.
You know, because
..he's so sexy.
Actually, no.
He's the only man who
doesn't arouse me.
Oh, for God's sakes.
Would you stop drinking
in front of me, Anne?
Oh, come on now.
Look, if you won't use the
campsite loos, so be it,
but at least try and have a
wee in that copse over there.
No-one's going to
see you. Just go!
I'm so desperate.
Go on now! Oh, God!
SHE SLURPS
SHE PEES
Do you feel anything? Nope.
AMANDA SCREAMS What was that?
I'll go check.
Ah, cool.
Baby, you OK? Mum?
Snake. Snake!
Snake. It's a snake!
Snake! Wow. Cool!
That's sick.
This isn't a snake.
This is an earthworm
with a leather jacket.
What's all the screaming?
Look, you seen this, boys?
Yeah, I'd put that down if I
was you, mate. That's an adder.
HE CHUCKLES
You want to see a real adder,
you should see the puff
adders back in Kruger
HE SCREAMS Oh,
my God! Johannes!
Little shit bit me. Right.
We need to get you
to hospital. What?
Keep your hair on, Twiggy. It's
only a silly little baby snake.
It's poisonous, Johannes. What?
Oh, it's poisonous,
is it? Right, fine.
OK, well, better suck the
poison out, then, hadn't I?
No, Johannes, don't. Johannes,
please, stop. Are you filming this?
Now you're just putting
poison in your mouth.
You should listen
to him, Johannes.
Mal's a gardener. He
knows about snakes.
Shut up, JJ. OK!
See?
It's abtholutely fine.
Oh, my tongue's gone flat.
Oh, for God's sakes,
Johannes! Right, come on.
We're going to hospital. I don't
need to go to the hospital.
You do. Mal, will you
come with us, please?
Er, I don't know if
that's a good idea.
Just to sit in the
back with him, please.
Just go.
Please come with us. I don'
need to go to hobbital.
Fine. OK, it's OK.
IMAGINARY DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
Don't panic, guys, don't
panic! Everything's OK.
Johannes, hang in there.
We're nearly there.
Mal, are you all right?
Mal? Mal! Yeah.
Yeah, I'm fine.
Can you turn that
music up a bit?
What? There isn't any music. Oh.
Cool.
Thought you'd bogged
off back to Shin.
Let's go to Morocco!
Yeah, right.
No, I'm serious.
Let's go at half term.
You, me and Morten.
Let's just go and eat tagine and
go to the souk and ride camels
and it'll be amazing because
it'll only be three of us
and we won't be anywhere
near the restaurant
and I'll turn my phone
off and it'll be amazing.
You've never turned
your phone off.
Fuck my phone, fuck
work. Fuck everything.
Oh, you were right.
I love you so much,
baby. Are you serious?
Here, take my credit
card. Book it.
Casablanca, here we come!
THEY SQUEAL AND LAUGH
Yeah, so I'm going
to get my phone
because it has all my passwords
and photographs in it, so
Where is it?
You lobbed it in
that bush, mate.
Sick!
Stinks of piss over here.
MAL HUMS TO HIMSELF
I think there's bound to be clean
toilets in the Bupa wing, don't you?
You shouldn't be with Johannes.
What?
He's not good enough
for you, Amanda.
Well, I think you're in
the minority there, Mal,
because everyone
clearly adores Johannes.
God, sorry, your
Your hair is like it's made
of golden beams of light.
Can I bob your hair?
PHONE PINGS
Oh, great.
Johannes says, "You can
pop in and see me now."
Great. I shall pop in.
SHE KNOCKS AT DOOR
Hey!
Hiii!
They need to keep
me in overnight.
They said the venom from
the snake that bit me
was more akin to
that of a king cobra.
Isn't that something? Yeah.
Do you mind if I use your loo
quickly, Johannes? No, of course.
I will be safe to travel back
to London in the morning.
The only thing is, it takes
some time for the poison
to leave your system. SHE PEES
So is it OK if I stay with you?
Amanda? Of course. Amazing!
It'll only be for a couple of weeks,
a month max. Is that OK, baby?
Great!
HORN BEEPS
Keep at it. Ha! The
brave soldier returns!
How are you feeling,
Your Highness? Ohh.
It was actually the worst
they've ever seen, Anne. Wow.
But they said my body
reacted so powerfully to it
because I have such a
strong immune system.
Right.
We could get a guide to take
us up the Atlas mountains.
And I've enquired
about that riad
that Damon Albarn
uses every Christmas.
And then I reckon that we just
spend, like, ages by the pool
just doing nothing. Ned, um,
you don't have to do that, mate.
No, it's all right, Dad. I
actually slept in here last night.
What? Is everything
all right, Dad?
Yeah, no, I'm good. I'm just
a little bit emotional today.
Yeah? I'm good, I'm good.
That really touched me.
Do you want a hug or something?
Yeah.
Good man. Listen.
Johannes is going to come and
stay with us for a couple of weeks
while he recovers from his bite.
But if you feel in any way
uncomfortable about that
No, I think that's
a nice thing to do.
And if he's your
boyfriend, then Yeah.
So you're sure that you
definitely don't mind
and you don't want
me to ask him to go?
Because just say, and I could
easily break up with him.
Nah, he's all right. And he'll
probably give us money, so
Right. Hey, boys!
Come and say goodbye.
Stay strong.
You're a legend.
Good man. Spend it wisely.
I'm proud of all of you boys!
Appreciate it. That's OK.
Georgie! Come on, we're going!
Bye. Bye.
I hate you for making me leave!