American Housewife (2016) s01e05 Episode Script

1 Katie: Time for school.
Morning, Baby Doll.
What's the trash bag for? My ponies are my best friends in the whole world.
If there's a fire, they need to survive.
Fire drill! [Clattering.]
Katie: What's more troubling the fact that plastic ponies are her best friends, or that she's planning on letting the rest of us burn in our beds? [Sighs.]
Oliver: Come in! Soon as they hit 12, you learn to knock.
You learn the hard way.
Hey, Oliver.
New shirt looks good.
I can't be seen in this.
What? You begged me to buy you that polo shirt.
Yes, but not from an outlet mall.
What the hell difference does it make where it's from? Outlet malls sell the flawed reject shirts.
Look at the cricket player.
Look at his bat.
It's defective.
The bat's bent.
The bat's bent! So? Classic tell of a discount purchase.
Oliver, it is not a big deal.
Honestly, without any drama, for real, this is the worst thing that's ever happened to anyone.
Okay, well, guess what.
I bought you the [bleep.]
shirt so you're going to wear it! There's two types of parents Ones who curse at their kids and the ones who lie and say they don't curse at their kids.
[Sighs deeply.]
Taylor, why are you still in bed?! [Thud.]
Taylor: Ow! Greg, you can't possibly still be in the bathroom.
I was almost done, but you just spooked it back in! [Sighs.]
[Whinnying.]
Honey, could you stop doing that? I don't think I can, Daddy.
[Whinnies.]
I'd like to revisit our earlier conversation.
There's nothing wrong with clothes from an outlet mall.
That's where Mom bought me this sweater.
It's cashmere.
It's a blend, and it's going to pill.
You don't even know what I'm talking about.
I am not going to buy you a $90 shirt.
If you want it that bad, you can get an after-school job.
- This is Westport.
- So? That's just not a thing kids do around here.
Cooper Bradford doesn't lift a finger and has his own credit card.
I'm not asking for that.
Greg, he's not asking for his own credit card.
That is an inspiring tale of self-sacrifice.
Hey, things are done a certain way in this town.
Don't you want me to fit in? No.
I don't.
I reject every message that this town sends that the car that you drive or the clothes that you wear make you better than someone else.
Who says you need money to be happy? I said it twice today already.
You can't possibly be proud of that.
- It has a plus in it.
- It also has a C in it.
C's get degrees.
No.
C's get their parents to co-sign for their car loans in their 40's.
Don't worry about me.
I'll get an athletic scholarship to a mid-level junior college, marry well, play tennis.
You can live in our guest house.
Not year round.
I'll handle her.
You take him.
[Whinnies.]
We'll let that one slip through the cracks for the time being.
You and I are gonna get your math grade up.
This is what I get for bragging.
And if you want a new shirt, you can earn money by doing chores.
Will do.
Mnh-mnh.
I know that smile.
You cannot have Anna-Kat do your work for you.
What? It's good for her OCD.
Let a playa play.
No chores, no shirt.
I'm not getting invited to Autumn Summers' birthday party.
What makes you think that? Because since we moved here, I've never been invited to anyone's birthday party.
[Sighs.]
Trying to raise these three kids to be normal in Westport takes so much work.
God, why'd I have to be so fertile? [School bell rings.]
[Indistinct conversations.]
Put your books down.
People are gonna think that you've got boobs coming in.
Which one is Autumn Summers? Purple bow.
Ohh.
She's the one who dresses like her mom.
- Hi! - Hi! [Smooching.]
Autumn and I jogged here this morning.
Ugh! I should, too.
I'm getting so chubby.
- Ugh! - No, I'm getting so chubby.
Ugh! Yep, that one go away from me.
Hey! Meat is murder.
Now, go cry to your mother, you little murderer! So, no hot dogs at that birthday party.
Don't worry, Sweetie.
I'll get you invited to that party.
Really? You promise? Mm-hmm.
Pony pinky promise.
[Whinnying.]
[Whinnying continues.]
If Anna-Kat's going to fit in, she'll have to be a little less weird.
When you say it in your head, you don't have to say "unique.
" I want her to have friends.
Lots of friends.
Not plastic ponies.
I'm not even hungry.
That's how upset I am.
I'm still eating it.
Isn't there a rule where everyone in the class is invited? - Mnh-mnh.
- They don't do that here.
Kids are taught to feel like garbage at a much younger age in Westport.
I have to figure out a way for her to fit in better.
It might also help if you could fit in better, too.
You think I'm the reason that she's not getting invited? Well, it's not the kids who send out the Evites, Katie.
- It's the moms.
- Yeah.
And at the parties, the kids hang out with the kids and the moms hang out with the moms.
And the moms know you can't stand them.
Mm.
Katie, they like you about as much as a Catholic priest likes a tattletale.
[Laughs.]
You guys don't like them, either.
But they don't know that I don't like them.
- I don't let on.
- And I do? - Katie, we love you.
- Like a sister.
Your sister opened six credit cards in your name and fled to Honduras.
Not specifically my sister.
Whenever you're on a mommy e-mail chain, you always reply, "Really, guys?" or "Not it!" Yep.
So to get Anna-Kat invited, I have to fake liking them? - Yes.
- No.
I'm not selling out to this town.
Listen, if these women were drowning, I wouldn't throw them a life jacket.
I mean, of course they'd be fine because fake boobies float.
But the point is, I play the game so that my kids get invited.
If you want Anna-Kat to go to these parties, you're gonna have to suck it up and play with the Westport moms.
Yep.
If I have to, I will.
Ugh.
I just lost my appetite.
- Great.
- I'm still eating it.
Damn it.
Are you starting to get the cleaning tingles? I love the cleaning tingles.
And to determine the vector, you? I don't remember.
You don't remember or you're not trying? Both.
Okay, dinner tonight is last night's, plus Cheetos.
Where are you going, Mama? To get you invited to that party.
A real birthday party? - Yeah.
- It's finally happening! [Chuckles.]
Here's the intel on Tara Summers dresses like her kid, yoga body, and is a militant vegetarian.
- Not even bacon.
- No vegetarian eats bacon.
Some make an exception, like in a Cobb salad.
- No.
- I don't have time to argue.
I have to hit the Pressed Juice Bar right when the 4:00 yoga class is letting out.
Do I look like a Westport mom? You're wearing black baked potatoes on your feet.
They're clogs.
They're perfectly acceptable.
If you work in a vet's office.
To be clear, you're selling out your beliefs to befriend a woman you can't stand to get Anna-Kat invited to a party with girls you don't approve of? No one wants to have sex with a sarcastic summarizer, Greg.
[Door slams.]
It's a different lesson.
Okay, here we go.
[Indistinct conversations.]
[Bell jingles.]
Hi, everyone.
All: Hi! I'm Katie.
Our girls are in the same class? Yes, I see you at drop off staring at me.
Because I love your outfits.
I want to start dressing like a 7-year old, too.
Came out wrong, but I'm just gonna plow forward.
[Scoffs.]
You do yoga? I have decided that it's time to embrace a healthy lifestyle.
I just want to immerse myself in all that this community has to offer.
- Oh.
- That is so great! I know! Any pointers for me? [Gasps.]
I've got an aesthetician for you.
- You need a personal trainer.
- And a personal shopper.
Can't say for certain, but I have a feeling you'll need my waxer.
Mm-hmm.
Thanks, you guys.
They will never know how close they just came to death.
Eye on the prize invitation for Anna-Kat.
I am really interested in becoming a vegetarian.
- Oh! - Wonderful.
With you becoming a vegetarian, we're gonna save so many animals.
- Oh, yes.
- Yes.
- [Beeping.]
- Oh! Yoga's starting.
Let's head back in.
Come on, Katie! I thought class was over.
Oh, that's the 4:00.
We're also doing the 5:30.
Ugh! Yeah! Ugh, yeah! I wouldn't do this for Greg, for Oliver, or for Taylor [Woman gasps, screams, thud.]
but for Anna-Kat, I'll do anything.
Hi! Does having a favorite make me a bad mom? I don't care.
That makes me a bad mom.
What's the definition of the perfect square? You.
[Chuckles.]
Good burn.
Wrong answer.
Taylor, come on.
We've been at this for a week.
Dad, just face it, I don't get this stuff.
There is no not getting it.
There's just not trying.
Really, Dad? Quoting Yoda? [Pencil clatters.]
That's "Do or do not.
There is no try.
" Come with me, Nerd.
Just because I know "Star Wars" doesn't make me a All right, I'll go.
[Ball bounces.]
See? I get this.
Sports.
Taylor, there's more to life than Your turn.
This ball seems huge.
Is it regulation? Okay.
I got this.
I got it.
Totally I'm all in.
See? You're not good at sports.
I'm not good at school.
It's just not who I am, like being normally coordinated is just not who you are.
I wish my parents had pushed me to be better at sports.
They coddled me, and they let me quit too easily.
I wish I could talk business on the links or play a pick-up game with the guys.
What guys? You know, the guys.
My guys.
All right, I have no guys.
But the point is, I take no pride in being a bad athlete.
You shouldn't take pride in being a bad student.
But I'm perfectly happy with my grades.
You should be, too.
Look, Taylor, I'm not giving up.
Wha Greg Otto down by two.
Seconds on the clock.
He shoots and - Run! - We live here.
[Sighs deeply.]
Yoga.
Hi, Mama.
Hey, Honey.
Is that the card for the party? That's a lot of glitter.
Daddy says it looks like a stripper sneezed on it.
In my defense, I didn't think she heard me.
So, how'd it got with the Real Housewives of Westport? After spending some time around these women, I'm starting to feel some sympathy for them.
Get this.
They have never been to the Olive Garden.
[Cellphone chimes.]
Doris says the Evites went out.
Lindsay Coolidge just got hers.
Mine should just be right Hm.
It's just gonna take a second.
I'll just refresh.
[Banging on keypad.]
Is there a problem, Mama? No, Sweetie.
Mnh-mnh.
[Tapping.]
Refresh.
Refresh.
Refresh.
Hey, Sweetie, why don't you finish your card upstairs, okay? - Okay, Daddy.
- Good girl.
Maybe it's just taking a little bit longer.
- Don't all Evites go out at once? - I don't know! I didn't build the Internet, Greg! [Tapping.]
[Sighs.]
I didn't get invited.
Anna-Kat didn't get invited.
Yes, Anna-Kat.
That's what I meant.
I can't believe all the things that I did to fit in with those idiots.
I'm growing back everything that I waxed.
Well, I got two weeks.
Yeah.
I don't understand it! All week long, I was friendly Katie.
Perky Katie.
The kind of Katie who charmed your entire family.
I was rehearsal-dinner Katie.
Whoa.
Maybe the move to Westport was a bad idea.
I'm an outcast.
Anna-Kat's an outcast.
And Oliver's becoming a douche.
Katie.
And Taylor's goal in life is to marry rich and drink those stupid pressed juices all day.
Yeah.
Maybe moving to Westport was a bad idea.
What are you doing? What? Don't agree with me.
I'm spiraling.
You're job is to say that we did the right thing.
That is Greg and Katie 101, man.
Listen, I'm sorry that Anna-Kat wasn't invited to the party, but you shouldn't have promised her.
Now we have to go tell her.
[Sighs.]
It's gonna break her little heart.
- Where are you going? - To rake the leaves.
- It's nighttime.
- Yeah, I realize that.
This way, nobody sees me, and I won't have to suffer the humiliation of being the only kid in town who does yard work.
[Door closes.]
See? - He's a douche.
- Yeah.
I like your fur.
It's very shiny.
Uh-oh.
Both parents.
That's never good.
Honey, there's a problem with the party.
But you promised! And I made a birthday card and everything.
Sweetie, a lot of times with the kids' birthday parties, they can't invite the whole class.
It's expensive, and there isn't enough room.
Autumn's parents are renting out the whole aquarium.
Okay, that's a piece of information I was missing, and it changes things.
You know what I did when Jay Zambelli didn't invite me to his birthday party at Six Flags? - What, Daddy? - I had the best day.
My parents took me to the aquar ium.
Katie, anything? This couldn't be sadder.
Will you guys have a party with me? That made it sadder.
Just a couple of lonely girls having a pony pity party.
- Hey! - Hey.
- Hey! - Hey! What are you guys doing here? Greg called us.
He told us what happened.
Entenmann's Louisiana crunch cake.
And if that doesn't work, I'll stop by Carvel and get a Cookie Puss.
All right, Anna-Kat, let's get you up to bed.
You okay, Sweetie? Yeah.
I guess.
You? I'll be all right.
I know what'll cheer you up.
We'll YouTube some videos of the Hindenburg.
36 fatalities 13 passengers, 22 crewman, and one on the ground.
Okay.
How cute are those little legs? How could anyone not want those legs at a party? Or mine for that matter? [Chuckles.]
So, what happened? I don't know where I went wrong.
Hi! - Nailed it, right? - Dead on.
Actually felt my sphincter clench with rage.
[Laughs.]
Katie, come on.
You really want to be friends with those women? Of course not.
But I want them to want to be friends with me.
Up until now, I've been rejecting them.
I just assumed that they would want me to be a part of their group if I gave them the chance.
Now I put myself out there, and I'm back in high school dealing with Holly Platt.
- Aw.
- Mm.
- She iced you out? - No.
Other way around.
I was super cool in high school.
But for the first time, I know how she felt.
If I had a time machine, I'd go back and apologize.
You could just find her on Facebook and apologize.
Ugh! But then I'd have to log in, and it would just I just swept.
You guys are getting crumbs everywhere.
[Muffled.]
Oh! Oh, what's that? Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh.
I can't hear you, Oliver [Sighs.]
Grow up, Doris.
I love messing with that kid.
[Chuckling.]
I'm such a bully.
It's super unhealthy.
We cannot let Tara Summers get away with this.
- We have to do something.
- Like what? Remember that Mel Gibson movie, "The Patriot"? When they gathered the townspeople, locked them in the church, and then burned it to the ground? Go on.
I'm going to do that to those moms at the Pressed Juice Bar.
Okay.
Well, you're gonna have to volunteer a whole lot more at school if all those moms are dead.
Fine.
Then you come up with something.
Actually, I think I know what might work.
[Rock music plays.]
Tara Summers' house, home of Westport's meanest vegetarian.
We're not egging her house or T.
P.
ing it.
We are above that.
But we are not above raising old meat on her flagpole.
[Laughter.]
Yeah! That's wasn't meant to sound dirty.
It's the perfect revenge.
Vandalism makes me feel so much better.
I love you guys.
- No one messes with our Katie.
- Amen.
To survive in Westport, I found out all you really need are two good friends.
Some say you need just one.
I like two just in case one of them dies.
[Dogs barking.]
Run for it! Go! Go! Is that how you run? I've never seen you run before! You don't look so great, either! Hanging with Doris and Angela gave me an idea.
I found out that, for whatever reason, two other girls were also not invited to Autumn's party.
Anna-Kat doesn't need 100 friends.
Two is plenty.
Maybe Rajni and Eyeball Shirt will be her partners in crime.
[Girls laughing.]
Hey, Taylor.
This is Ashley and Lavi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Nice to meet you.
So pretty.
Thank you.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, and quite the student.
Check out this math test.
She got a C-minus.
- I'm sure she - Dad, what are you doing? Well, you said I should be fine with your grades, so I'm being fine.
[Chuckles.]
I'm so proud of my average daughter.
[Nervous laughter.]
Looking sharp.
Polo shirt purchased at Ed Mitchell's at full price.
See, Scoobs, you appreciate it more when you work hard for it.
You're so right, Mom.
Cleaning out the closets? Yes.
Me too.
Did you get a thank you? No.
- No one appreciates us.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oliver.
- Luz.
Throwing away a good shirt? It's not good.
See? The bat is askew.
I can re-stitch this in two minutes, make it good as new.
- You can? - Mm-hmm.
If I bought a whole bunch of these defective shirts, would you fix them for me? Why? So you can resell them to kids for a profit? Luz, we could be partners.
70-30.
Don't mess with me, boy.
50-50.
Why are you doing your evil smile? This is my everyday adorable smile.
Maybe I jumped the gun about Westport.
Things are looking up for the Otto family.
Oliver has learned a little something about having a work ethic.
And Taylor realizes that C's are not something to be proud of.
- [Whinnying.]
- And Anna-Kat - [Whinnying.]
- just might have two good friends.
[Screams, laughs.]
Or maybe just one good friend.
[Whinnying.]
Did you have fun today? It wasn't the aquarium, but it was fun.
Hey, forget about the aquarium.
We're gonna do something great ourselves.
How about we take you to the Disney - World! - Disney World! Hey, guys, we're going to Disney World! Store.
I was going to say, "Take you to the Disney Store.
" I know.
But you saw her face.
What was I supposed to do? I don't know.
Maybe let me finish my sentence? We can't afford to go to Disney World.
Now we have to disappoint her all over again.
Honey, we're not going to Disney World.
It's closed.
Mr.
Toad evidently went wild, and - Oh.
- Yeah.
I am so sorry.
How about we take you to see - World! - Oh, my God! SeaWorld! Hey, guys, we're going to SeaWorld! I was gonna say, "Take you to see a movie.
" This is why I'm her favorite parent.