American Princess (2019) s01e05 Episode Script
A Period Piece
1 Previously on "American Princess" Are you on our honeymoon? Dr.
Bloom said after a major emotional trauma to prioritize self-care.
BRIAN: I ran into Juan Andrés, you know, the man that I sort of like.
Oh, good God.
You're obsessed.
She was not very helpful to me today, as a friend.
You got to go get him! - Yes.
- Yes.
I'd like to be your friend.
I have enough friends.
MORGAN: We're not here to judge.
I mean, with everything you went through, it makes sense that you would run off and do something different.
And we're also here to check that you aren't totally mentally ill.
Next up is the faire's own dirty pub wench, Ophelia Feelsgood! I don't even know who you are right now.
God, what the hell am I gonna tell your mother? Did she send you here? I love you, Amanda.
I do.
But this? I can't.
AMANDA: Mom, I know what you did.
ERIN: Amanda, it's Erin.
Mom OD'ed.
Get your ass home.
ERIN: Here.
This'll perk her up.
Ugh.
Why not? While you've been enjoying your breakdown, I've been here, vacuuming up vomit.
- She puked? - Of course she puked.
If you're faking an overdose, you commit.
Two fingers down the throat Like she taught us.
She chased three Zolpies down with a bottle of Pinot and had Rebecca call Dr.
Schwartzman.
REBECCA: Calling Dr.
Schwartzman.
BOTH: Rebecca, cancel call.
Call canceled.
Okay, I'm not having a breakdown.
It's a new adventure.
A bend in my road.
And Mom seems fine.
Sure, she's fine.
The vacuum is ruined.
So buy another vacuum.
- Easy for you to say.
- It is.
Rebecca, buy a wet-dry vacuum.
- Purchasing a wet-dry vacuum.
- Voilà ! Only the latest crisis I've had to handle.
By myself.
All alone.
With no help.
Like an orphan.
I'm not apologizing for looking after myself.
I'm entitled to some distance.
[SCOFFS.]
Distance? From your mother? Have they sucked all the Jew out of you up there in fake England-land? That's not fair.
I still have night terrors about final exams.
Asians have those, too.
[SIGHS.]
We shouldn't have to live our lives to make her happy.
How about making me happy, huh? I've got parent-teacher conferences tomorrow, and they no longer let nannies cover and I can't send Joel because he never finds out which kids are worse than ours.
This is real life, Amanda.
I need your help.
We pinky-promised.
Us against her, forever.
Yeah, when I was 8 and still thought that she was under a spell from an evil witch.
You did do a deep dive into the dark arts looking for a reversal.
[CHUCKLES.]
Do you remember that, uh, purple cape - you wore everywhere? - Oh, yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
[SNORTS.]
[SIGHS.]
Okay, fine, I'll stay until tomorrow night.
Sure Camp Men-In-Tights will survive? - Screw you.
- Screw you.
See? This is nice.
Like old times.
I miss this.
There is a sort of familiar comfort in it.
Here are some comforters for you to choose from.
I don't not need a new duvet.
BRIAN: Happy hysterecto-versary to you Happy hysterecto-versary to you Happy hysterecto-versary, dear Maggie Happy hysterecto-versary to you And many mooooooore! Oh, I knew you wouldn't forget.
Oh! I feel so blessed.
11 years cancer and child-free.
Who could ask for anything more? [CHUCKLES.]
Now make a wish.
Oh.
Oh.
Whoo! Oh, I have quite a day planned for us.
A small piece for me.
Day you say? Yeah.
Is there a problem? No.
It's just Juan Andrés and I had talked about throwing pottery at his studio.
Oh.
How very "Ghost" of you.
Believe it or not, I have actually been looking forward to getting my hands dirty.
Oh, please, you despise dirty.
Which is perfect because I've booked us mani-pedis and side-by-side shiatsus.
I think the plural for "shiatsu" is also "shiatsu.
" It's like "moose" or "underwear.
" In or out? Fine, I'm in.
To my fallen fallopians.
Oh! Such a wondrous moment for a mother! And for a daughter! For all mothers! And all daughters! And the whole sisterhood of women who bleed once a month and don't die.
It isn't too much, though, is it? I thought you were talking about a much smaller event.
Like, I didn't expect an evite.
[GROANS.]
Whoo! What else do we need? We? Unh-unh.
No.
This is a celebration of the feminine awakening.
No boys allowed.
But I was on the evite.
Maybe it's time you two got separate e-mail addresses.
Secrets are the enemy of love, so I-I think Breeze might be more comfortable if it's a ladies-only deal.
You get it.
No, I don't.
And who's the one that bought her that book about puberty? Me.
Yeah, her father.
It was a good book, too.
We both learned a lot.
Out! Your testosterone is ruining the juju.
It's just a couple hours, sweetie.
Let the women have their time.
You're making me feel marginalized.
You'll get over it.
I promise.
Okay, the Pinterest one called for kumquat ovaries, but all we had were apricots.
Wait.
Is that? Yes! - It's a fruiterus.
- [GASPS.]
Delilah, it's beautiful! Yeah, and I made her a virgin.
- Accurate.
- Yeah.
We think.
- We hope.
- We hope.
JOANNTHA: Oh! [LAUGHS.]
Good morning, sunshine! Big plans today.
Look at you all up and about.
Hmm.
I'm glad to see you're feeling better.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I'm still in such terrible pain, both physically and [SIGHS.]
emotionally.
But we're talking about you.
Oh.
Your friends really want to see you.
Yeah, well, I didn't tell anyone I was here.
- I did.
- Wh - You're welcome.
- [GROANS.]
Mom! Now, we're having a big dinner.
- No.
- No backing out.
You're getting quite a reputation as a canceler.
I really just don't want [SIGHS.]
Dinner is fine.
Thank you.
Well, look at you, with your groovy, hippie deep breaths.
If you really want to thank me, get Mommy a flat white from that place on 84th.
You know the one.
The young man who flirts with me via coffee foam.
You mean he made a heart in it? Yes! Oh, poor boy.
He must have worked so hard on that to get my attention.
But I would never.
He's got a tattoo of an avocado.
Then it's probably best you spurn his affections.
So many calories.
What's something funny to say with this picture? Huh? Breeze got her period.
That doesn't really go with the photo.
Menarche.
What?! She's 13, man.
Men are not key.
Menarche is the first menstrual cycle.
Shut up with your fancy words.
I'm freaking out.
Congratulations? Or sorry? I don't really know what to say.
[EXHALES.]
Yeah, me, neither.
It's weird.
Lulu and Delilah are throwing Breeze a party.
They get a party for that? Like, with gifts? - Yeah.
- What should we get Breeze? Nothing.
We're not invited.
Yeah, they said it's a "woman thing.
" - Ahh.
- Everything's a woman thing now.
I think menstruation has always been a woman thing.
But we could do, like, a man thing.
You know, we could use a day.
Yes! Let's do some man things, huh? - Strip clubs? - Yes! No.
No.
Nah, it doesn't feel right looking at boobs when Breeze is just getting her boobs.
I don't even want to say "boobs.
" Okay, well, we could drink beers, watch sports, read Civil War novels.
- Could we shoot things? - Yeah! - No! - Yeah.
[SING-SONG.]
We're gonna shoot things.
You'll never have to figure out what a "Mowana" is.
[LAUGHS.]
Look! I can laugh uproariously and not wet myself! You can die the way you want By jumping off a cruise ship.
When I wake up at 3:00 a.
m.
, it's because I vomited.
Oh, looks like the real party's over here.
Um, we're just listing reasons why it's good to not have children.
Because I have no uterus.
And neither do I! Oh.
Can I play? - No.
- Sure! Uh Maybe next time then.
You ready to throw? Yes, we're just about - finished up here.
- No, we still have things to do.
Today is the 11th anniversary of my hysterectomy.
- Wow.
I'm so - So happy for her.
So Yeah, so happy for you.
Thank you.
Do you want some cake? I have barely touched mine.
Please, have some cake.
Thank you.
- So, maybe we should - Light a symbolic candle for each of the babies I never had? Marvelous.
I had a very sexual phase about five years ago, so buckle up.
[LAUGHS.]
All righty.
Um, could you? I don't want to ruin my nails.
Sure.
For Yannick, son of the Swiss street artist.
You, too, would have had intimacy issues about giving out your phone number.
Oh.
To Jamila, daughter of the rug merchant who sold me my favorite afghan.
For Tyler Jr.
, son of the aspiring foot model who was handing out samplers outside of the Hot Diggity Dog.
[CHUCKLES.]
I should probably go alphabetically, in case I lose my place.
We'd have to start all over.
Oh, don't want that.
[CHUCKLES LIGHTLY.]
- Here you go.
Enjoy.
- Thanks.
Hi.
Oh.
She didn't.
You look great.
Of course she did.
Joanntha said you were ready to talk.
I so did not tell her that.
But that's That's okay.
That's okay! You didn't know that.
And we're all just being the best versions of ourselves that we're capable of being.
C-C-Can we sit? Give me a few minutes? Please? Fine.
So how was our honeymoon? I'm guessing that my prayers for a devastating hurricane - went unanswered.
- [LAUGHS.]
There's my girl.
I'm not a girl.
And I'm not "your" anything.
Look, I know I shouldn't have gone, but I needed to get away from here.
Everyone hates me.
Which they should, I get it.
- But it's hard.
- As hard as you were when you were inside Helen's mouth? I wanted her to leave the night before, but it was late and it seemed unsafe for her to drive.
- Oh, my G - W-W-Wait.
Please.
S-Sit.
I'm glad you brought it up, 'cause I've been thinking a lot about why I did that, and I don't know.
Cool.
Yeah, thanks for the clarity.
I was out of my mind.
The whole time.
Every conversation led to mortgages and babies and 401Ks and retirement.
Retirement?! I'm supposed to start thinking of retirement? We, Brett.
We were supposed to start thinking of all of those things together.
I was freaked out, too, but you didn't catch me sitting on a caterer's face.
Specifically the tall one with the motorcycle who made the filling for the lettuce cup things.
Those fillings were delicious when we had them at the tasting.
He's clearly passionate.
I've missed you.
Tell me what I can do to get you back.
I'll do whatever you say.
I don't know what to say.
Then at least tell me it's not over.
It's a It's a hurdle, right? We'll get over it? I really don't know.
Bye, Brett.
[SQUEALS.]
Shh! She's coming.
Okay, everybody, freeze! Right this way, honey.
ALL: Surprise! - What is this? - It's your period party! Oh, no.
Happy Menses, Little Lunar Lady.
Check this out.
All vaginas are different, but they are all beautiful.
And don't let anybody tell you otherwise.
Some have long, luxurious lips, kind of like mine.
Some of them are like two baby carrots, kissing.
- Mine smells like sugar cookies.
- Ew.
We are gathered here today to celebrate the first shedding of Breeze's uterine lining.
Whoo! [CHEERING.]
All right, all right, all right.
Babe, this is for you.
Oh, please no One second.
Yes.
Exultation in Menstruation, a poem by Evelyn Stanton.
"A torrent of crimson, Godsent from the blood moon, struts down my dryad legs, noble and tasting of fetid iron, soaking" Stop! What is wrong with all of you? LULU: We're here to make you feel special on this special occasion.
Okay, I don't want to feel special! I want to feel normal! [SCOFFS.]
- Hormones.
- [ALL CHUCKLE.]
SHART: Pull! [GUNSHOT.]
Nice shot, man! - Ha-ha-ha! Whoo! - Yeah.
This does feel pretty good.
Whoo! Ha-ha! - Your turn, bro.
- I'm good.
It's man day.
Take the gun.
I'll take his turn.
Nah.
Your turn.
You're shooting a clay plate.
It represents a bird.
It represents a plate.
I'll go.
Seriously, I'll go.
No.
I'm going again.
- Pull! - Tweet.
Tweet.
Tweet.
Tweet.
[GUNSHOT.]
- Whoo! - Damn it! It's not a real bird! But even if it was, birds are gross.
They're little dinosaurs that want to kills us.
We have to kill them first.
What truth is your violence sublimating? I'm gonna sublimate your ass if you don't shut up.
Guys, smile! Ha.
You both look miserable! It's perfect! Give me the gun! What are you running from? I'm not running from anything.
Lulu kicked me out.
And what does your heart tell you? That I That I'm gonna be kicked out of a lot of Breeze's life from now on.
And how does your heart feel? - Broken.
- And? Got to help me here.
You feel like you're being forced to represent the patriarchy, despite your unwavering support of the women in your life and women everywhere.
Yes! Ahh! Woman shouldn't patriarchy me.
Correct.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm gonna take back the night! - Too far.
- DAVID: Pull! Pull! [GUNSHOT.]
Nothing more fun than a gun! And safety.
Hmm.
You were gone quite a while.
Yeah, strangest thing, I thought I saw Brett, but then I left and avoided him completely.
You what? Oh, Mandy, you were supposed to, you know Why do you always Calm your body, puppet-master.
I saw him.
And? It was awkward.
And it was sad, Mom.
And I'm just confused.
And it's still too soon, and I just I don't know yet.
Oh.
It was a start.
Just wish you'd had a facial before you saw him.
- Maybe bleached your arm hair.
- Mother.
How about How about you take a nice, hot steam shower and just relax? That sounds nice.
Good.
[SIGHS.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, why, who could that be? - Mom! If that's Brett - No.
- I am so - You know, I have Mom! Is that bagels and lox? - [DOORBELL RINGS.]
- That chandelier Oh, my God, Chinese food! [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Sushi! - [DOORBELL RINGS.]
- It's crazy.
[GASPS.]
Oh, my God! Anton! [LAUGHS.]
Thanks, Mommy! Watch this color shine, oh, so glamorous Lulu! - Hey.
- I get it.
It was too much.
I get over-excited sometimes.
Okay, all the time.
I think we overdid it a little.
I don't want her to have bed memories around this.
Oh.
It's too important.
- Yeah.
- Can I talk to her? Oh, no.
I don't think that's a good idea.
- I'll be real quick.
- Oh.
Yeah.
Breeze, I am so sorry for going about this the wrong way.
- Forget it, it's fine.
- No.
We should have planned something far more intimate to welcome you into womanhood.
Intimate? I don't need any welcoming.
There you go.
- What's going on? - Okay.
- Delilah? - Come.
Let's all part our legs and peer together into the heart of our female power.
- No, no, no.
No, no.
- Whoa! Mom? - Whoo! - Mom.
Can we get some better lighting in here? Pick up your panties.
Lulu, you're body shaming.
- Mom! - Delilah! No means no! Oh, my God! I never sleep 'cause I am a dream I'm perfection in the first degree Being myself is the perfect crime I'm goin' solo and I'm all right I've never felt so fly It's nothin' that money can buy Don't need to tell me why Come with me or say bye-bye I am the queen bee Gimme all your sugar, honey, give it to me I am the queen bee Oh, so sweet Oh, so sweet Say rah, rah, rah Have you ever worked the Dickens Faire? No.
I'd need all new hats.
I have some you can borrow.
How big is your head? [SCOFFS.]
Big.
[LAUGHS.]
Good Christ.
Will you leave already? - Maggie! - This was supposed to be my day! I'm gonna leave you two to, uh, do more things.
We can throw pots another time.
I'm sorry.
Why are you apologizing to him? [SCOFFS.]
You are something else.
What? This day was supposed to be about uter-us, not uter-you-and-your-Faire-Bear.
What did you call him? Faire Bear.
Is that offensive? Should I call him the Hairy Guatemalan instead? He's Dominican.
And he's from Ohio.
Well, wherever he's from, he should wax his back.
There were tufts coming out of the back of his shirt.
- I'm leaving.
- Good.
Go.
Have a wonderful time getting dirty with your Ohioan.
I'll finish the rest of our hysterecto-versary events alone.
Theme of my life.
Unbelievable.
If it's not about you for five minutes, you sulk like a child whose Nintendo was taken away.
I am not 100% certain, but Nintendo seems like a dated reference.
For a supposed Queen, you are a terrible hostess and a real drag.
And, yes, I'm aware of using the words drag and queen close together, and I'm fine with it.
Viva RuPaul! [WHIMPERS.]
Ugh.
Whoo! Nice shot, Katniss! The girl from "The Hunger Games"? Oh.
I wasn't allowed to read books with female heroines.
Or by female authors.
Wow.
No Judy Blume? Bible only.
Unless I was on my period, then I was even forbidden to touch that.
Oh, and my mom said that a tampon would take my virginity and no man would marry me and I'd go straight to hell.
Also, seeing a PG-13 movie would send me to hell.
Also, saying the word "hell.
" Unless you were talking about hell.
Then it was fine.
That was super confusing for me.
Phew.
I can only imagine.
I don't want to, though.
Sounds awful.
Yeah.
I left before they could completely extinguish my light.
I can attest to that.
You shine bright.
Yeah, well.
Look, I'm sorry about freaking out over the vagina gazing.
I-I know you love Breeze.
Lulu, I just wanted her to feel beautiful today.
My parents said that I welcomed the devil when I got my period.
Which made me think the devil was into some really weird stuff.
My parents gave me uptight country clubs and tennis lessons and boarding school.
And they were definitely into some weird stuff.
At least I thought it was weird.
To everyone else, they were the paragons of normal.
Ugh.
Are you picturing your parents in the target? - No! That's awful.
- Sorry.
I'm picturing them as the arrows.
The target is me.
That is so much sadder.
Are you back to bingeing and purging? No.
This is what lifting kegs affords you.
This is my fourth carb load today and I haven't even cried about it.
Well, you will tomorrow when your ass is so big you could hatch the moon if you sat on it.
I'm just saying.
LEXI: You can't sit on the moon.
There's, like, no gravity there.
The kids are good.
I put on "Moana.
" You don't worry about the gender-stereotypical messaging of those movies? I plan to ban princesses - I ever have kids.
- Good luck with that.
It's really good to be here with you guys.
I'm gonna visit home more often.
I promise.
Visit? You are not going back to that godforsaken place.
Of course I am.
Oh, Amanda, stop.
Stop with this foolishness.
You belong here.
With us.
At home.
Or within a few blocks.
Just not too far east.
It gets very ethnic around York.
I'm going back tonight, Mother.
I already told you that.
I have a job.
Do you have health insurance? Do you pay taxes? - No, but - That's not a job.
No, it it kind of is.
I mean, you No, it's not, Nick, and neither are your stylist gigs or those "comedic" videos you put on your YouTube channel.
Being single and lonely and very alone and all alone has made you very mean, Morgan.
Guys.
All right.
I think the time has come.
Dr.
Bloom! Wow.
"Moana.
" Wow.
The water is a character.
What is going on? Can somebody pass the broccolini? Not now, Joel! Jesus.
DR.
BLOOM: Amanda, everyone in this room is here because they love you and they want to help you.
With what? Are you familiar with the term "intervention"? Oh, my G I went on one mini bender after the BJ incident.
I think that I'm entitled.
God.
Why does everyone think I'm an alcoholic? Only Morgan thinks that.
Everyone else thinks you've been brainwashed by a cult.
I'm never telling you anything, ever again.
Okay, but maybe we should focus on the alcoholism thing first? Since it's a little weird that that's something she mentioned right off the bat, isn't it? I'm drinking water! - Anybody want a lamb chop? - Oh, my God.
I want to punch you in the face.
I had a light lunch.
Can we just get on with the intervening? I have to meet a friend at the Carlyle at 10:00.
What friend? I have friends.
First off.
Welcome, everyone.
Um, what is an intervention? "A therapeutic intervention is an effort made by individuals or groups to improve the well-being of someone else who either is in need of help but refusing it or is otherwise unable to initiate or accept help.
" She's She's not even listening.
Do you think it's too late? Has she been fully brainwashed? Amanda, your friends and family have gathered here out of love.
Please show them some respect and turn off your phone.
Fine.
Will you pass me that salad? Dinner is over, Joel! Deprogramming in the living room! Now.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Um, so I've given this a lot of thought.
And I prepared a speech.
Oh.
Okay.
Lulu, I am Breeze's parent, too, and although I'm not the same gender, I can share in her milestones.
So That sounded a Sounded a lot longer in my head - when I was - Well, knock yourself out, babe.
I failed miserably.
Aw.
What happened? It seemed like such a nice party.
I made a bad call.
So I get to be the cool parent? Ha-ha! Yes! Uh, hey.
Happy womanhood.
- A phone? - What every 13-year-old wants, a distraction from their confusing reality.
You got her a phone? Uh-huh.
Wow.
This is very cool.
Thank you.
No jumping up and down, accompanied by shrill screams? It's not a toy one, you know? Yeah, yeah, I know.
But a phone is only fun when you have friends - to talk to on it.
- You have friends.
I have four friends, and exactly none of them are my age.
- [SIGHS.]
- A phone is great, but what I really want [SIGHS.]
is to go to middle school like a normal kid.
Well, that's just It's not practical.
Oh, really? For who? You? Nobody ever asked me what I want.
And what I want is a real school.
I'm too old to be homeschooled.
Is public school still free? 'Cause that thing cost like 200 bucks.
So sounds like a deal to me.
Oh, a deal with the fascist institution that is American public education right now? I mean, it's study to the test.
Study to the test.
I don't think so.
- You're the fascists! - [GASPS.]
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let's all take a deep breath and count back to democratic ideals, huh? Now, your mom and I have heard what you've had to say and we'll discuss.
- There's nothing to discuss.
- [GRUNTS.]
No fascists here, right? Right.
Ooh.
What happened to Master Zen? [SIGHS.]
If I sent you a cryptic message saying, "Save me," you wouldn't at least look into it? Yes, but you're not a high-maintenance socialite prone to hysterics.
Don't ignore the signs, man.
I had a friend who kept saying his parents wanted to send him away, and then they did.
They nabbed him in the middle of the night, totally against his will.
Well, her family is trying to intervention her away from the faire.
How far can they get with that? There's a reason why the rehab industry has become a big business.
Lack of government oversight? Because they kidnap most of their patients.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, well, she's an adult.
I'd like to see them try to steal her away.
You were the last one to hear from her.
- Meaning? - Meaning it'll be all on you.
Okay, yeah, fair point.
I borrowed your truck for a beer run.
- Just make me a promise.
- Absolutely not.
- Find these ribs a home.
- [SCOFFS.]
The murder of this pig will not stain my soul.
If that brave animal's sacrifice goes to waste, it's on you.
I've seen some nutty stuff, but a funeral for your lady parts? That was new.
Last year, she made me howl with her the full moon.
You're a good friend.
She's a good friend, too.
She just forgets.
And you remind her instead of leaving her to howl alone.
That's what makes you one of the good guys.
I'm sorry our plans didn't work out.
No regrets.
We're here now! All's well, et cetera.
Ah.
[HOWLS.]
[LAUGHS.]
[HOWLS.]
AMANDA: As I said before, it's not a cult.
It's a community that values acceptance and and And love and Are you hearing this? Cult speak.
LEXI: Are we completely off the alcoholic thing, 'cause a drink would be really nice right now, but I don't want to be insensitive.
DR.
BLOOM: Amanda, tell us more about this "community.
" Morgan said all the women wear corsets and display their sweaty cleavage for the men.
Oh, yeah.
They're basically sex slaves.
I thought the wench auction was cute.
What the hell is a wench auction? - It's hard to explain.
- Please try.
My life is very dull.
Okay.
So, I want to thank you all for caring so much.
I know it comes from a place of love.
But I have to go now.
I will see you all very soon.
Mandy, listen to me I've been listening.
And I'm done listening.
I've listened to all of you, okay? It's my life.
Your life? Your life? Really? You're so independent? Who paid for four years at Vassar, and funded you while you tried to "write"? - [SCOFFS.]
- And shelled out a fortune for a gorgeous wedding that you ran out on? You've had your little nervous breakdown, dear.
It's time to come home.
Besides, you're not built for a sex cult.
Not with your short cervix.
I have the short cervix, Mom.
She has the fatty lipomas.
- [SCOFFS.]
Whatever.
- It's not a sex cult! I live there, and I'm happy there.
Why is that so hard for you to understand?! Because it's not who you are! Since when has a nice Jewish girl found happiness this far away from Henri Bendel's? You really pulled out all the stops, didn't you, Mom? And I keep falling for it.
Massages and lattes a-a-and Brett? God, why do I keep getting sucked back in to your constant manipulation? DR.
BLOOM: Oh, a lot of it's cultural.
Many of my Jewish clients feel manipulated - by their parents.
- Oh, shut up! I have finally found a place where I feel good.
And I'm gonna stay there for as long as I keep feeling that way.
And I can only hope that each and every one of you find a place like that for yourselves.
It's not normal, Amanda.
Can you not see that? No.
I mean, fine, it's not a sex cult and fine, you're finding yourself happily distracted for a bit, but you can't stay there forever.
- Why not? - Come on.
Be serious.
That's your future? What's the big dream there? You become part of the monarchy? - Ooh.
- You're as pretty as Meghan Markle.
There are plenty of ways to grow there.
Hmm? And build stuff.
Like what? Opportunities are everywhere there.
- For real? - Yes, Nick, you should get on it, because it's seriously like a second before it comes mainstream.
It is gonna be the Renaissance of the Renaissance Festival, and I am gonna be a part of it.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Mandy, you'll you'll You'll come back for the high holidays, right? Probably.
Yes.
I'll send you my bill.
Mama, do you wish I was a girl? Are you asking me because you wish you were a girl? No.
I like being a boy.
This is about the party, isn't it? Will I get a period party? No, sweetie.
Because boys don't get periods.
But someday, you're gonna wake up from a very special dream and we're gonna have an even bigger party.
Okay? Okay.
Mmm! Mwah, mwah, mwah! Ooh! Diggin' the tie.
Very fancy.
Oh! I'm supposed to bring you to the kitchen.
Okay.
Okay, straight? Okay.
Where am I going, honey? - Straight.
- Okay.
ALL: Surprise! CALLIE: It's your period party, Delilah.
And I really am having my period.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Amazing.
Happy womanhood, my lovely friend.
I'm fine, honey.
It's just hormones.
I know.
I know.
Godspeed, pig.
Now go forth and nourish.
[OINKS.]
These look bitchin'.
I haven't seen this much female anatomy since my parents sent me to conversion camp.
JUAN ANDRÃS: It's like an off-Broadway production of the "Jack the Ripper" musical.
[SHUDDERS.]
Back to my tent? Yep.
So what happened after I left? I told her we'd go and look at middle school.
Just look.
That's fine.
Fine like fine? Or fine like fine.
Really fine.
I'm still not sure.
Can we use a different word? I'm willing to go look at middle school.
But if I hear them say the word "standardized," we're out of there.
She kept the phone? It's okay, I set up all the parental controls.
After she showed me how.
Hey.
I Ah.
I cannot thank you guys enough.
Especially you, Lulu.
- It's piñata time.
- Oh! Let me at it.
What gross thing is in that piñata anyway? Menstrual cups? Whoo! [CHEERING.]
Chocolate.
You get a free pass once a month.
It's the upside.
Go get some.
AMANDA: Thank you.
Whoa.
What? Coming where? What's with all the happy noise? Breeze got her first period.
So they're throwing a party for Delilah.
Ugh.
Thank God that's all behind me.
Ugh! What a nightmare.
I think it's kind of beautiful.
Well, of course you do.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey.
Want to howl at the moon with me? I feel like that's a cultural appropriation of wolves.
Afraid I have to pass.
[GROANS.]
Oh, my God.
Ugh! This Wi-Fi sucks.
I gotta post a video of that giant vagina getting beaten to death.
I feel like that's wrong.
So wrong! That's why it's hilarious.
And goodnight.
Oh.
Hi, Miss Maggie.
[SCOFFS.]
Miss.
Mizz.
Mizz Maggie.
Spinster.
You know what that means? It sounds cool.
Like a deejay or something? It does sound cool, doesn't it? I'm a spinster.
Cool.
Don't focus on the bleeding and the pain.
There's beauty in this thing called womanhood.
A lot of beauty.
Plus I got a phone.
[CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
It just went through! Ooh.
And I got my first "like.
" Huzzah.
"I count myself in nothing else so happy, as in a soul remembering my good friends.
" Okay.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
BRIAN: Hello? Hello? JUAN ANDRÃS: Brian? Comin' back? Yes.
Hey, you wanna watch some more Kurosawa tonight? She's gone to live with your kind.
At least for now.
She claims to be happy.
Does she seem happy to you? Yeah.
She does.
Okay.
Well, I guess that's a good thing.
I'm gonna go to bed now.
Um it was a very long train trip.
Would it be okay if I used your bathroom? Do whatever you like.
Ooh.
You look so good, good, good When you do that swing thing Lookin' so good, good, good Swing your thing Swing it [CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
You look so good, good, good When you do that swing thing You look so good, good, good Swing it, swing it, swing that thing Swing thing, swing that thing Swing it, swing it, swing that thing You look so good, good, good Swing it, swing it, swing that thing Swing your thing You look so good, good, good [LAUGHS.]
No F-ing way!
Bloom said after a major emotional trauma to prioritize self-care.
BRIAN: I ran into Juan Andrés, you know, the man that I sort of like.
Oh, good God.
You're obsessed.
She was not very helpful to me today, as a friend.
You got to go get him! - Yes.
- Yes.
I'd like to be your friend.
I have enough friends.
MORGAN: We're not here to judge.
I mean, with everything you went through, it makes sense that you would run off and do something different.
And we're also here to check that you aren't totally mentally ill.
Next up is the faire's own dirty pub wench, Ophelia Feelsgood! I don't even know who you are right now.
God, what the hell am I gonna tell your mother? Did she send you here? I love you, Amanda.
I do.
But this? I can't.
AMANDA: Mom, I know what you did.
ERIN: Amanda, it's Erin.
Mom OD'ed.
Get your ass home.
ERIN: Here.
This'll perk her up.
Ugh.
Why not? While you've been enjoying your breakdown, I've been here, vacuuming up vomit.
- She puked? - Of course she puked.
If you're faking an overdose, you commit.
Two fingers down the throat Like she taught us.
She chased three Zolpies down with a bottle of Pinot and had Rebecca call Dr.
Schwartzman.
REBECCA: Calling Dr.
Schwartzman.
BOTH: Rebecca, cancel call.
Call canceled.
Okay, I'm not having a breakdown.
It's a new adventure.
A bend in my road.
And Mom seems fine.
Sure, she's fine.
The vacuum is ruined.
So buy another vacuum.
- Easy for you to say.
- It is.
Rebecca, buy a wet-dry vacuum.
- Purchasing a wet-dry vacuum.
- Voilà ! Only the latest crisis I've had to handle.
By myself.
All alone.
With no help.
Like an orphan.
I'm not apologizing for looking after myself.
I'm entitled to some distance.
[SCOFFS.]
Distance? From your mother? Have they sucked all the Jew out of you up there in fake England-land? That's not fair.
I still have night terrors about final exams.
Asians have those, too.
[SIGHS.]
We shouldn't have to live our lives to make her happy.
How about making me happy, huh? I've got parent-teacher conferences tomorrow, and they no longer let nannies cover and I can't send Joel because he never finds out which kids are worse than ours.
This is real life, Amanda.
I need your help.
We pinky-promised.
Us against her, forever.
Yeah, when I was 8 and still thought that she was under a spell from an evil witch.
You did do a deep dive into the dark arts looking for a reversal.
[CHUCKLES.]
Do you remember that, uh, purple cape - you wore everywhere? - Oh, yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
[SNORTS.]
[SIGHS.]
Okay, fine, I'll stay until tomorrow night.
Sure Camp Men-In-Tights will survive? - Screw you.
- Screw you.
See? This is nice.
Like old times.
I miss this.
There is a sort of familiar comfort in it.
Here are some comforters for you to choose from.
I don't not need a new duvet.
BRIAN: Happy hysterecto-versary to you Happy hysterecto-versary to you Happy hysterecto-versary, dear Maggie Happy hysterecto-versary to you And many mooooooore! Oh, I knew you wouldn't forget.
Oh! I feel so blessed.
11 years cancer and child-free.
Who could ask for anything more? [CHUCKLES.]
Now make a wish.
Oh.
Oh.
Whoo! Oh, I have quite a day planned for us.
A small piece for me.
Day you say? Yeah.
Is there a problem? No.
It's just Juan Andrés and I had talked about throwing pottery at his studio.
Oh.
How very "Ghost" of you.
Believe it or not, I have actually been looking forward to getting my hands dirty.
Oh, please, you despise dirty.
Which is perfect because I've booked us mani-pedis and side-by-side shiatsus.
I think the plural for "shiatsu" is also "shiatsu.
" It's like "moose" or "underwear.
" In or out? Fine, I'm in.
To my fallen fallopians.
Oh! Such a wondrous moment for a mother! And for a daughter! For all mothers! And all daughters! And the whole sisterhood of women who bleed once a month and don't die.
It isn't too much, though, is it? I thought you were talking about a much smaller event.
Like, I didn't expect an evite.
[GROANS.]
Whoo! What else do we need? We? Unh-unh.
No.
This is a celebration of the feminine awakening.
No boys allowed.
But I was on the evite.
Maybe it's time you two got separate e-mail addresses.
Secrets are the enemy of love, so I-I think Breeze might be more comfortable if it's a ladies-only deal.
You get it.
No, I don't.
And who's the one that bought her that book about puberty? Me.
Yeah, her father.
It was a good book, too.
We both learned a lot.
Out! Your testosterone is ruining the juju.
It's just a couple hours, sweetie.
Let the women have their time.
You're making me feel marginalized.
You'll get over it.
I promise.
Okay, the Pinterest one called for kumquat ovaries, but all we had were apricots.
Wait.
Is that? Yes! - It's a fruiterus.
- [GASPS.]
Delilah, it's beautiful! Yeah, and I made her a virgin.
- Accurate.
- Yeah.
We think.
- We hope.
- We hope.
JOANNTHA: Oh! [LAUGHS.]
Good morning, sunshine! Big plans today.
Look at you all up and about.
Hmm.
I'm glad to see you're feeling better.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I'm still in such terrible pain, both physically and [SIGHS.]
emotionally.
But we're talking about you.
Oh.
Your friends really want to see you.
Yeah, well, I didn't tell anyone I was here.
- I did.
- Wh - You're welcome.
- [GROANS.]
Mom! Now, we're having a big dinner.
- No.
- No backing out.
You're getting quite a reputation as a canceler.
I really just don't want [SIGHS.]
Dinner is fine.
Thank you.
Well, look at you, with your groovy, hippie deep breaths.
If you really want to thank me, get Mommy a flat white from that place on 84th.
You know the one.
The young man who flirts with me via coffee foam.
You mean he made a heart in it? Yes! Oh, poor boy.
He must have worked so hard on that to get my attention.
But I would never.
He's got a tattoo of an avocado.
Then it's probably best you spurn his affections.
So many calories.
What's something funny to say with this picture? Huh? Breeze got her period.
That doesn't really go with the photo.
Menarche.
What?! She's 13, man.
Men are not key.
Menarche is the first menstrual cycle.
Shut up with your fancy words.
I'm freaking out.
Congratulations? Or sorry? I don't really know what to say.
[EXHALES.]
Yeah, me, neither.
It's weird.
Lulu and Delilah are throwing Breeze a party.
They get a party for that? Like, with gifts? - Yeah.
- What should we get Breeze? Nothing.
We're not invited.
Yeah, they said it's a "woman thing.
" - Ahh.
- Everything's a woman thing now.
I think menstruation has always been a woman thing.
But we could do, like, a man thing.
You know, we could use a day.
Yes! Let's do some man things, huh? - Strip clubs? - Yes! No.
No.
Nah, it doesn't feel right looking at boobs when Breeze is just getting her boobs.
I don't even want to say "boobs.
" Okay, well, we could drink beers, watch sports, read Civil War novels.
- Could we shoot things? - Yeah! - No! - Yeah.
[SING-SONG.]
We're gonna shoot things.
You'll never have to figure out what a "Mowana" is.
[LAUGHS.]
Look! I can laugh uproariously and not wet myself! You can die the way you want By jumping off a cruise ship.
When I wake up at 3:00 a.
m.
, it's because I vomited.
Oh, looks like the real party's over here.
Um, we're just listing reasons why it's good to not have children.
Because I have no uterus.
And neither do I! Oh.
Can I play? - No.
- Sure! Uh Maybe next time then.
You ready to throw? Yes, we're just about - finished up here.
- No, we still have things to do.
Today is the 11th anniversary of my hysterectomy.
- Wow.
I'm so - So happy for her.
So Yeah, so happy for you.
Thank you.
Do you want some cake? I have barely touched mine.
Please, have some cake.
Thank you.
- So, maybe we should - Light a symbolic candle for each of the babies I never had? Marvelous.
I had a very sexual phase about five years ago, so buckle up.
[LAUGHS.]
All righty.
Um, could you? I don't want to ruin my nails.
Sure.
For Yannick, son of the Swiss street artist.
You, too, would have had intimacy issues about giving out your phone number.
Oh.
To Jamila, daughter of the rug merchant who sold me my favorite afghan.
For Tyler Jr.
, son of the aspiring foot model who was handing out samplers outside of the Hot Diggity Dog.
[CHUCKLES.]
I should probably go alphabetically, in case I lose my place.
We'd have to start all over.
Oh, don't want that.
[CHUCKLES LIGHTLY.]
- Here you go.
Enjoy.
- Thanks.
Hi.
Oh.
She didn't.
You look great.
Of course she did.
Joanntha said you were ready to talk.
I so did not tell her that.
But that's That's okay.
That's okay! You didn't know that.
And we're all just being the best versions of ourselves that we're capable of being.
C-C-Can we sit? Give me a few minutes? Please? Fine.
So how was our honeymoon? I'm guessing that my prayers for a devastating hurricane - went unanswered.
- [LAUGHS.]
There's my girl.
I'm not a girl.
And I'm not "your" anything.
Look, I know I shouldn't have gone, but I needed to get away from here.
Everyone hates me.
Which they should, I get it.
- But it's hard.
- As hard as you were when you were inside Helen's mouth? I wanted her to leave the night before, but it was late and it seemed unsafe for her to drive.
- Oh, my G - W-W-Wait.
Please.
S-Sit.
I'm glad you brought it up, 'cause I've been thinking a lot about why I did that, and I don't know.
Cool.
Yeah, thanks for the clarity.
I was out of my mind.
The whole time.
Every conversation led to mortgages and babies and 401Ks and retirement.
Retirement?! I'm supposed to start thinking of retirement? We, Brett.
We were supposed to start thinking of all of those things together.
I was freaked out, too, but you didn't catch me sitting on a caterer's face.
Specifically the tall one with the motorcycle who made the filling for the lettuce cup things.
Those fillings were delicious when we had them at the tasting.
He's clearly passionate.
I've missed you.
Tell me what I can do to get you back.
I'll do whatever you say.
I don't know what to say.
Then at least tell me it's not over.
It's a It's a hurdle, right? We'll get over it? I really don't know.
Bye, Brett.
[SQUEALS.]
Shh! She's coming.
Okay, everybody, freeze! Right this way, honey.
ALL: Surprise! - What is this? - It's your period party! Oh, no.
Happy Menses, Little Lunar Lady.
Check this out.
All vaginas are different, but they are all beautiful.
And don't let anybody tell you otherwise.
Some have long, luxurious lips, kind of like mine.
Some of them are like two baby carrots, kissing.
- Mine smells like sugar cookies.
- Ew.
We are gathered here today to celebrate the first shedding of Breeze's uterine lining.
Whoo! [CHEERING.]
All right, all right, all right.
Babe, this is for you.
Oh, please no One second.
Yes.
Exultation in Menstruation, a poem by Evelyn Stanton.
"A torrent of crimson, Godsent from the blood moon, struts down my dryad legs, noble and tasting of fetid iron, soaking" Stop! What is wrong with all of you? LULU: We're here to make you feel special on this special occasion.
Okay, I don't want to feel special! I want to feel normal! [SCOFFS.]
- Hormones.
- [ALL CHUCKLE.]
SHART: Pull! [GUNSHOT.]
Nice shot, man! - Ha-ha-ha! Whoo! - Yeah.
This does feel pretty good.
Whoo! Ha-ha! - Your turn, bro.
- I'm good.
It's man day.
Take the gun.
I'll take his turn.
Nah.
Your turn.
You're shooting a clay plate.
It represents a bird.
It represents a plate.
I'll go.
Seriously, I'll go.
No.
I'm going again.
- Pull! - Tweet.
Tweet.
Tweet.
Tweet.
[GUNSHOT.]
- Whoo! - Damn it! It's not a real bird! But even if it was, birds are gross.
They're little dinosaurs that want to kills us.
We have to kill them first.
What truth is your violence sublimating? I'm gonna sublimate your ass if you don't shut up.
Guys, smile! Ha.
You both look miserable! It's perfect! Give me the gun! What are you running from? I'm not running from anything.
Lulu kicked me out.
And what does your heart tell you? That I That I'm gonna be kicked out of a lot of Breeze's life from now on.
And how does your heart feel? - Broken.
- And? Got to help me here.
You feel like you're being forced to represent the patriarchy, despite your unwavering support of the women in your life and women everywhere.
Yes! Ahh! Woman shouldn't patriarchy me.
Correct.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm gonna take back the night! - Too far.
- DAVID: Pull! Pull! [GUNSHOT.]
Nothing more fun than a gun! And safety.
Hmm.
You were gone quite a while.
Yeah, strangest thing, I thought I saw Brett, but then I left and avoided him completely.
You what? Oh, Mandy, you were supposed to, you know Why do you always Calm your body, puppet-master.
I saw him.
And? It was awkward.
And it was sad, Mom.
And I'm just confused.
And it's still too soon, and I just I don't know yet.
Oh.
It was a start.
Just wish you'd had a facial before you saw him.
- Maybe bleached your arm hair.
- Mother.
How about How about you take a nice, hot steam shower and just relax? That sounds nice.
Good.
[SIGHS.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, why, who could that be? - Mom! If that's Brett - No.
- I am so - You know, I have Mom! Is that bagels and lox? - [DOORBELL RINGS.]
- That chandelier Oh, my God, Chinese food! [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Sushi! - [DOORBELL RINGS.]
- It's crazy.
[GASPS.]
Oh, my God! Anton! [LAUGHS.]
Thanks, Mommy! Watch this color shine, oh, so glamorous Lulu! - Hey.
- I get it.
It was too much.
I get over-excited sometimes.
Okay, all the time.
I think we overdid it a little.
I don't want her to have bed memories around this.
Oh.
It's too important.
- Yeah.
- Can I talk to her? Oh, no.
I don't think that's a good idea.
- I'll be real quick.
- Oh.
Yeah.
Breeze, I am so sorry for going about this the wrong way.
- Forget it, it's fine.
- No.
We should have planned something far more intimate to welcome you into womanhood.
Intimate? I don't need any welcoming.
There you go.
- What's going on? - Okay.
- Delilah? - Come.
Let's all part our legs and peer together into the heart of our female power.
- No, no, no.
No, no.
- Whoa! Mom? - Whoo! - Mom.
Can we get some better lighting in here? Pick up your panties.
Lulu, you're body shaming.
- Mom! - Delilah! No means no! Oh, my God! I never sleep 'cause I am a dream I'm perfection in the first degree Being myself is the perfect crime I'm goin' solo and I'm all right I've never felt so fly It's nothin' that money can buy Don't need to tell me why Come with me or say bye-bye I am the queen bee Gimme all your sugar, honey, give it to me I am the queen bee Oh, so sweet Oh, so sweet Say rah, rah, rah Have you ever worked the Dickens Faire? No.
I'd need all new hats.
I have some you can borrow.
How big is your head? [SCOFFS.]
Big.
[LAUGHS.]
Good Christ.
Will you leave already? - Maggie! - This was supposed to be my day! I'm gonna leave you two to, uh, do more things.
We can throw pots another time.
I'm sorry.
Why are you apologizing to him? [SCOFFS.]
You are something else.
What? This day was supposed to be about uter-us, not uter-you-and-your-Faire-Bear.
What did you call him? Faire Bear.
Is that offensive? Should I call him the Hairy Guatemalan instead? He's Dominican.
And he's from Ohio.
Well, wherever he's from, he should wax his back.
There were tufts coming out of the back of his shirt.
- I'm leaving.
- Good.
Go.
Have a wonderful time getting dirty with your Ohioan.
I'll finish the rest of our hysterecto-versary events alone.
Theme of my life.
Unbelievable.
If it's not about you for five minutes, you sulk like a child whose Nintendo was taken away.
I am not 100% certain, but Nintendo seems like a dated reference.
For a supposed Queen, you are a terrible hostess and a real drag.
And, yes, I'm aware of using the words drag and queen close together, and I'm fine with it.
Viva RuPaul! [WHIMPERS.]
Ugh.
Whoo! Nice shot, Katniss! The girl from "The Hunger Games"? Oh.
I wasn't allowed to read books with female heroines.
Or by female authors.
Wow.
No Judy Blume? Bible only.
Unless I was on my period, then I was even forbidden to touch that.
Oh, and my mom said that a tampon would take my virginity and no man would marry me and I'd go straight to hell.
Also, seeing a PG-13 movie would send me to hell.
Also, saying the word "hell.
" Unless you were talking about hell.
Then it was fine.
That was super confusing for me.
Phew.
I can only imagine.
I don't want to, though.
Sounds awful.
Yeah.
I left before they could completely extinguish my light.
I can attest to that.
You shine bright.
Yeah, well.
Look, I'm sorry about freaking out over the vagina gazing.
I-I know you love Breeze.
Lulu, I just wanted her to feel beautiful today.
My parents said that I welcomed the devil when I got my period.
Which made me think the devil was into some really weird stuff.
My parents gave me uptight country clubs and tennis lessons and boarding school.
And they were definitely into some weird stuff.
At least I thought it was weird.
To everyone else, they were the paragons of normal.
Ugh.
Are you picturing your parents in the target? - No! That's awful.
- Sorry.
I'm picturing them as the arrows.
The target is me.
That is so much sadder.
Are you back to bingeing and purging? No.
This is what lifting kegs affords you.
This is my fourth carb load today and I haven't even cried about it.
Well, you will tomorrow when your ass is so big you could hatch the moon if you sat on it.
I'm just saying.
LEXI: You can't sit on the moon.
There's, like, no gravity there.
The kids are good.
I put on "Moana.
" You don't worry about the gender-stereotypical messaging of those movies? I plan to ban princesses - I ever have kids.
- Good luck with that.
It's really good to be here with you guys.
I'm gonna visit home more often.
I promise.
Visit? You are not going back to that godforsaken place.
Of course I am.
Oh, Amanda, stop.
Stop with this foolishness.
You belong here.
With us.
At home.
Or within a few blocks.
Just not too far east.
It gets very ethnic around York.
I'm going back tonight, Mother.
I already told you that.
I have a job.
Do you have health insurance? Do you pay taxes? - No, but - That's not a job.
No, it it kind of is.
I mean, you No, it's not, Nick, and neither are your stylist gigs or those "comedic" videos you put on your YouTube channel.
Being single and lonely and very alone and all alone has made you very mean, Morgan.
Guys.
All right.
I think the time has come.
Dr.
Bloom! Wow.
"Moana.
" Wow.
The water is a character.
What is going on? Can somebody pass the broccolini? Not now, Joel! Jesus.
DR.
BLOOM: Amanda, everyone in this room is here because they love you and they want to help you.
With what? Are you familiar with the term "intervention"? Oh, my G I went on one mini bender after the BJ incident.
I think that I'm entitled.
God.
Why does everyone think I'm an alcoholic? Only Morgan thinks that.
Everyone else thinks you've been brainwashed by a cult.
I'm never telling you anything, ever again.
Okay, but maybe we should focus on the alcoholism thing first? Since it's a little weird that that's something she mentioned right off the bat, isn't it? I'm drinking water! - Anybody want a lamb chop? - Oh, my God.
I want to punch you in the face.
I had a light lunch.
Can we just get on with the intervening? I have to meet a friend at the Carlyle at 10:00.
What friend? I have friends.
First off.
Welcome, everyone.
Um, what is an intervention? "A therapeutic intervention is an effort made by individuals or groups to improve the well-being of someone else who either is in need of help but refusing it or is otherwise unable to initiate or accept help.
" She's She's not even listening.
Do you think it's too late? Has she been fully brainwashed? Amanda, your friends and family have gathered here out of love.
Please show them some respect and turn off your phone.
Fine.
Will you pass me that salad? Dinner is over, Joel! Deprogramming in the living room! Now.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Um, so I've given this a lot of thought.
And I prepared a speech.
Oh.
Okay.
Lulu, I am Breeze's parent, too, and although I'm not the same gender, I can share in her milestones.
So That sounded a Sounded a lot longer in my head - when I was - Well, knock yourself out, babe.
I failed miserably.
Aw.
What happened? It seemed like such a nice party.
I made a bad call.
So I get to be the cool parent? Ha-ha! Yes! Uh, hey.
Happy womanhood.
- A phone? - What every 13-year-old wants, a distraction from their confusing reality.
You got her a phone? Uh-huh.
Wow.
This is very cool.
Thank you.
No jumping up and down, accompanied by shrill screams? It's not a toy one, you know? Yeah, yeah, I know.
But a phone is only fun when you have friends - to talk to on it.
- You have friends.
I have four friends, and exactly none of them are my age.
- [SIGHS.]
- A phone is great, but what I really want [SIGHS.]
is to go to middle school like a normal kid.
Well, that's just It's not practical.
Oh, really? For who? You? Nobody ever asked me what I want.
And what I want is a real school.
I'm too old to be homeschooled.
Is public school still free? 'Cause that thing cost like 200 bucks.
So sounds like a deal to me.
Oh, a deal with the fascist institution that is American public education right now? I mean, it's study to the test.
Study to the test.
I don't think so.
- You're the fascists! - [GASPS.]
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let's all take a deep breath and count back to democratic ideals, huh? Now, your mom and I have heard what you've had to say and we'll discuss.
- There's nothing to discuss.
- [GRUNTS.]
No fascists here, right? Right.
Ooh.
What happened to Master Zen? [SIGHS.]
If I sent you a cryptic message saying, "Save me," you wouldn't at least look into it? Yes, but you're not a high-maintenance socialite prone to hysterics.
Don't ignore the signs, man.
I had a friend who kept saying his parents wanted to send him away, and then they did.
They nabbed him in the middle of the night, totally against his will.
Well, her family is trying to intervention her away from the faire.
How far can they get with that? There's a reason why the rehab industry has become a big business.
Lack of government oversight? Because they kidnap most of their patients.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, well, she's an adult.
I'd like to see them try to steal her away.
You were the last one to hear from her.
- Meaning? - Meaning it'll be all on you.
Okay, yeah, fair point.
I borrowed your truck for a beer run.
- Just make me a promise.
- Absolutely not.
- Find these ribs a home.
- [SCOFFS.]
The murder of this pig will not stain my soul.
If that brave animal's sacrifice goes to waste, it's on you.
I've seen some nutty stuff, but a funeral for your lady parts? That was new.
Last year, she made me howl with her the full moon.
You're a good friend.
She's a good friend, too.
She just forgets.
And you remind her instead of leaving her to howl alone.
That's what makes you one of the good guys.
I'm sorry our plans didn't work out.
No regrets.
We're here now! All's well, et cetera.
Ah.
[HOWLS.]
[LAUGHS.]
[HOWLS.]
AMANDA: As I said before, it's not a cult.
It's a community that values acceptance and and And love and Are you hearing this? Cult speak.
LEXI: Are we completely off the alcoholic thing, 'cause a drink would be really nice right now, but I don't want to be insensitive.
DR.
BLOOM: Amanda, tell us more about this "community.
" Morgan said all the women wear corsets and display their sweaty cleavage for the men.
Oh, yeah.
They're basically sex slaves.
I thought the wench auction was cute.
What the hell is a wench auction? - It's hard to explain.
- Please try.
My life is very dull.
Okay.
So, I want to thank you all for caring so much.
I know it comes from a place of love.
But I have to go now.
I will see you all very soon.
Mandy, listen to me I've been listening.
And I'm done listening.
I've listened to all of you, okay? It's my life.
Your life? Your life? Really? You're so independent? Who paid for four years at Vassar, and funded you while you tried to "write"? - [SCOFFS.]
- And shelled out a fortune for a gorgeous wedding that you ran out on? You've had your little nervous breakdown, dear.
It's time to come home.
Besides, you're not built for a sex cult.
Not with your short cervix.
I have the short cervix, Mom.
She has the fatty lipomas.
- [SCOFFS.]
Whatever.
- It's not a sex cult! I live there, and I'm happy there.
Why is that so hard for you to understand?! Because it's not who you are! Since when has a nice Jewish girl found happiness this far away from Henri Bendel's? You really pulled out all the stops, didn't you, Mom? And I keep falling for it.
Massages and lattes a-a-and Brett? God, why do I keep getting sucked back in to your constant manipulation? DR.
BLOOM: Oh, a lot of it's cultural.
Many of my Jewish clients feel manipulated - by their parents.
- Oh, shut up! I have finally found a place where I feel good.
And I'm gonna stay there for as long as I keep feeling that way.
And I can only hope that each and every one of you find a place like that for yourselves.
It's not normal, Amanda.
Can you not see that? No.
I mean, fine, it's not a sex cult and fine, you're finding yourself happily distracted for a bit, but you can't stay there forever.
- Why not? - Come on.
Be serious.
That's your future? What's the big dream there? You become part of the monarchy? - Ooh.
- You're as pretty as Meghan Markle.
There are plenty of ways to grow there.
Hmm? And build stuff.
Like what? Opportunities are everywhere there.
- For real? - Yes, Nick, you should get on it, because it's seriously like a second before it comes mainstream.
It is gonna be the Renaissance of the Renaissance Festival, and I am gonna be a part of it.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Mandy, you'll you'll You'll come back for the high holidays, right? Probably.
Yes.
I'll send you my bill.
Mama, do you wish I was a girl? Are you asking me because you wish you were a girl? No.
I like being a boy.
This is about the party, isn't it? Will I get a period party? No, sweetie.
Because boys don't get periods.
But someday, you're gonna wake up from a very special dream and we're gonna have an even bigger party.
Okay? Okay.
Mmm! Mwah, mwah, mwah! Ooh! Diggin' the tie.
Very fancy.
Oh! I'm supposed to bring you to the kitchen.
Okay.
Okay, straight? Okay.
Where am I going, honey? - Straight.
- Okay.
ALL: Surprise! CALLIE: It's your period party, Delilah.
And I really am having my period.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Amazing.
Happy womanhood, my lovely friend.
I'm fine, honey.
It's just hormones.
I know.
I know.
Godspeed, pig.
Now go forth and nourish.
[OINKS.]
These look bitchin'.
I haven't seen this much female anatomy since my parents sent me to conversion camp.
JUAN ANDRÃS: It's like an off-Broadway production of the "Jack the Ripper" musical.
[SHUDDERS.]
Back to my tent? Yep.
So what happened after I left? I told her we'd go and look at middle school.
Just look.
That's fine.
Fine like fine? Or fine like fine.
Really fine.
I'm still not sure.
Can we use a different word? I'm willing to go look at middle school.
But if I hear them say the word "standardized," we're out of there.
She kept the phone? It's okay, I set up all the parental controls.
After she showed me how.
Hey.
I Ah.
I cannot thank you guys enough.
Especially you, Lulu.
- It's piñata time.
- Oh! Let me at it.
What gross thing is in that piñata anyway? Menstrual cups? Whoo! [CHEERING.]
Chocolate.
You get a free pass once a month.
It's the upside.
Go get some.
AMANDA: Thank you.
Whoa.
What? Coming where? What's with all the happy noise? Breeze got her first period.
So they're throwing a party for Delilah.
Ugh.
Thank God that's all behind me.
Ugh! What a nightmare.
I think it's kind of beautiful.
Well, of course you do.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey.
Want to howl at the moon with me? I feel like that's a cultural appropriation of wolves.
Afraid I have to pass.
[GROANS.]
Oh, my God.
Ugh! This Wi-Fi sucks.
I gotta post a video of that giant vagina getting beaten to death.
I feel like that's wrong.
So wrong! That's why it's hilarious.
And goodnight.
Oh.
Hi, Miss Maggie.
[SCOFFS.]
Miss.
Mizz.
Mizz Maggie.
Spinster.
You know what that means? It sounds cool.
Like a deejay or something? It does sound cool, doesn't it? I'm a spinster.
Cool.
Don't focus on the bleeding and the pain.
There's beauty in this thing called womanhood.
A lot of beauty.
Plus I got a phone.
[CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
It just went through! Ooh.
And I got my first "like.
" Huzzah.
"I count myself in nothing else so happy, as in a soul remembering my good friends.
" Okay.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
BRIAN: Hello? Hello? JUAN ANDRÃS: Brian? Comin' back? Yes.
Hey, you wanna watch some more Kurosawa tonight? She's gone to live with your kind.
At least for now.
She claims to be happy.
Does she seem happy to you? Yeah.
She does.
Okay.
Well, I guess that's a good thing.
I'm gonna go to bed now.
Um it was a very long train trip.
Would it be okay if I used your bathroom? Do whatever you like.
Ooh.
You look so good, good, good When you do that swing thing Lookin' so good, good, good Swing your thing Swing it [CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
You look so good, good, good When you do that swing thing You look so good, good, good Swing it, swing it, swing that thing Swing thing, swing that thing Swing it, swing it, swing that thing You look so good, good, good Swing it, swing it, swing that thing Swing your thing You look so good, good, good [LAUGHS.]
No F-ing way!