An Idiot Abroad (2010) s01e05 Episode Script
Egypt
And he's a friend.
He's a typical little englander, and he doesn't like going out of his comfort zone.
Bollocks are squashed.
I just think that it'd be amazing to send him around the world.
What we'd like to see is him experience other cultures, other peoples, and see if, in any way, we can change his outlook on the world.
I've been to many exotic places.
I genuinely think travel broadens the mind.
I want him to hate it.
I want him to hate every minute of it for my own amusement.
[ Firecrackers popping .]
Nothing is funnier than Karl in a corner being poked by a stick.
I am that stick.
And now I have the might of Sky behind me.
[Bleep.]
[Bleep.]
This is one of the funniest, most expensive practical jokes I've ever done.
And it's gonna be great.
Just let me go home! Jesus.
Karl, we've arranged for you to go to Egypt to see the great pyramids.
I mean, there is a remarkable site, truly one of the seven wonders of the world.
Now, what do you know about the great pyramids? Over 4,000 years old.
4,000 years old.
Are they the oldest thing on the world? [ Laughs .]
I told you, he needs an absolute.
He needs an absolute.
Yeah, they're the oldest thing on the world.
I mean, that's pretty amazing, that I'm gonna see the oldest thing on the world.
They're not the oldest thing on the world, are they? How do you think they built it? They took their time.
Didn't have any distractions.
Now you see workmen, it's like, "you got to get it done.
We've got another job on.
" Back then, they'd just be going, "this is what we've got to do.
Get it done.
Get it built.
Go for that shape.
" And each day, they would have just the foreman went, "go for that shape," and they went, "all right.
" Yeah.
Right.
Go on, then.
Enjoy the pyramids.
All right.
I think we've got to send him economy.
I think we've got to put him up in shacks and awful hotels, and that will be funny.
The nice hotel seems to have gone now.
That's not good, is it? This is grim 'round here.
And something looks grim in the dark, you know it's not gonna be better in the day, don't you? We had here Michael Palin, monty python.
And has he been back since? No.
Thank you.
How long are we here? Huh? How long are we here for? [ Horns honking .]
[ Dog barking .]
I don't know what this is this is a bit of a it's a little bit grim.
Look at it.
Did Ricky and Steve know this was Well, they knew Michael Palin stayed here.
Yeah, I know, but it was 30 years ago.
A lot's changed.
You know, I was still at school.
How many days am I here? There's a piano right outside the room.
When do they start playing that piano? 'Cause it's literally right there.
If they start having a sing-along, I'm [bleep.]
Sit on that.
Sit on that.
Is there a mattress on it? Sit on it.
Honest to God, sit on that.
It is unbelievable.
Oh, God.
How am I gonna sleep? [ Horns honking .]
It's a bit cozy, you know.
Ricky will be all over the moon with this when he sees this 'cause he wants to annoy me.
I don't know how this is teaching me anything about sort of, you know, being Egyptian.
I mean, the fella who owns the place, his dad's 96.
There's no way he lived to be 96 by living on a bed like that in a dump room like this, having them out there all night beeping.
I'll leave it there.
I don't know what I'm going to be doing today, 'cause I haven't heard from Ricky and Steve yet.
So I'm just gonna go, you know, go out for a wander Walk about, deal with some locals, you know.
That's the plan, really.
No, thanks, mate.
Drink.
A what? Cold drink.
Coca-cola, sprite, water, tea, cafe, nescafe, cappuccino, mango, beer.
All drink, 10 pound.
Yeah, I'm all right at the moment.
I might pop in later on.
My name is Sharif, okay? Sharif.
Sharif.
Welcome to Egypt.
Cheers, Sharif.
I'll be here, okay? I'll be there for a drink if I want to get a drink.
Cheers.
It's all right.
I've just had a word with Sharif.
He's gonna look after me.
Sharif, no cafe.
That's eat? Yes.
Oh, okay.
So, if I want a drink, see you, and see you for something to eat.
Cheers.
Thank you.
Bye-bye.
[ Laughs .]
Oh, yeah.
That's good.
Have a nice time.
I will.
Thanks a lot.
Cheers.
Come back here.
If I want a drink or something.
My name's Sharif.
He's Sharif.
No, no.
My name's Sharif, Omar Sharif.
Omar Sharif.
He's Sharif.
Omar Sharif.
I'll pop in there if I'm hungry.
I'm not hungry at the moment.
All right.
Honestly, it's all right.
Yeah, it's all right.
What do you want, a drink? I'm just walking through.
If I get thirsty, I'll pop by.
Do you know what? I'm not hungry at the moment.
Yes? Yeah, I was back there.
I sort of got off food a little bit.
I'm okay at the moment.
Thanks a lot.
Cheers.
[Bleep.]
I've already got some.
Don't smoke.
If I wanted a watch, I'd buy one off you.
Don't need.
It's for a woman.
My girlfriend's head is slightly bigger.
I don't need any glasses.
[Bleep.]
If there's one thing that's done me head in since I've been here, it's all this.
You can't walk down there.
Forget, like, just using it as a cut through, 'cause it's not a shortcut.
It can't be a shortcut, 'cause you get stopped every few seconds.
Yeah, all right.
So, I mean, I bet she left the house when she was 10.
I'll tell you, seriously, it takes you forever to get anything done here.
Hi.
Didn't sleep at all.
I'm gonna go over and see the pyramids today.
That's the plan.
That's why I'm in Egypt, isn't it? I mean, I wish I could have seen them sooner.
You know, the sooner I see them, the sooner I can go home, but, yeah, Steve's sorted out some local bloke who's got a camel.
He's gonna take me over there on one of them.
When I was younger, I got on a horse, and someone sort of burned the horse's ass.
It bolted, and I was on it and falling off the edge.
So I've always said I'd never go on any animal that's sort of bigger than me.
So it's a little bit crazy, but it seems to be the way they get around here anyway.
They're all using donkeys and camels.
So as long as nobody is neighbour with a fag end, it should be alright, really.
It's crazy here, though, isn't it? It's the non-touristy bit, isn't it? This is what it's all about.
So, yeah, I'm meeting this fella.
Need to use his toilet straightaway.
Is that rude? No, it should be all right.
Mahmoud.
Hi.
How are you doing? Fine.
Good to see you.
Good to see you, too.
I'm Karl.
Welcome.
Come in.
How you doing? Do you mind if I use your toilet quickly? It's just that I've drank a lot of coffee this morning.
That's my family here.
Hello.
Who's that? Cooking tea.
Is that your girlfriend? She's my mother.
Your mother! Come on, man.
She's not your mother.
She is.
Can I ask how old she is? She's 38.
She is my mother.
In our family, we marry when we're very young.
How old are you? I'm 22, and I have child.
I needed that.
Much better.
That's me and my wife.
Is that it now for life? Are you settled now? You'll stay with this woman? I can have one if I want.
If feel like I want one, then I can.
Four women.
You're allowed four women? Yes, four women I can have if I want to.
But I'm happy until now, but I don't know what's gonna happen.
Pace yourself.
I mean, you're only 22.
Spread it out a little bit, you know.
Do you know, like, how snow white had, like, a happy miserable one.
She had, like, a mixture.
Would you go for a totally different woman so that if you're in the mood for someone to be happy, you go, "oh, I'll see her today"? Yes.
Life is too short, man.
One, two, three.
Hang on a minute.
Hold on tight on here.
[ Camel grunts .]
Whoa! Bloody high up, this, isn't it? All right.
You just need to hold well.
I'm holding on.
Hi.
I'm holding on.
[ Horn honking .]
Me bollocks are squashed.
[ Farting noise .]
Is that you or the camel? Huh? Is that you? What? That sounded human.
That's the camel, man.
Well, you know, rocking left and right makes things happen.
What you've got to remember is, I'm getting the back draft.
[ Laughs .]
How are you doing? Hi.
It's chronic, isn't it, today? Can't even see the pyramids.
Come all this way, and that's the view you get.
I mean, the idea is now that I stand there and I'm blown away.
That's what's meant to happen, isn't it? I mean, I am getting blown away, but mainly by the wind that's going on there.
We got a sand storm, and I've got sand in me eyes.
I can't see anything anyway, even if it was a clear day.
It's a bit annoying.
You know, I thought it would feel more special than this.
I keep getting messages from home.
I mean, Susan's moaning about the boiler again.
That's starting to play up.
Normally that's my problem, but now I'm away.
I've made it her problem.
And them I'm also getting messages I'll show you this one, from Ricky.
He just keeps sending stuff 'cause he knows it costs me money to receive them.
There's just something on there.
70 pounds.
'Cause he knows that it's cost me about 70p for him to send that.
There's nothing else in there.
He's not asking, "how are you?" You know? "What are you up to? What have you seen? Are you enjoying it?" "70p.
" That's all he said.
So why are you wearing this? This is comfy wear, isn't it? I mean, this is like pajamas at the end of the day.
I mean, the problem is, I've been getting mossie bites and stuff.
So I wanted something with sort of long sleeves on it to sort of keep them away.
It's just comfy.
Loads of room in it.
Normally pajamas sort of roll up your arms and legs and that, but this is You know, it's all right, isn't it? I mean, that's the good thing if you lived here.
You could just sort of if you start work at 9:00, you could get out of bed about five to, keep it on.
Straight off.
Steve sent me a text.
It said meet up with a lad called Achmed.
He's gonna show me around the place.
[ Shouting indistinctly .]
Good work.
Now here, there's a gap.
What do you reckon? Now.
Yeah? Good job.
Easy.
Now you're Egyptian.
Brilliant.
Oh, wow.
If you saw that at home, you'd presume it was a pet shop.
What's a pet shop? Oh.
No, no, no.
That's for food, only for food.
So, when you look at that, do you go, "Mmm," rather than "aww.
" Well, yeah.
We eat them.
What's this stuff? Cotton.
Feel? Egyptian cotton.
So what would people do with this? For mattresses.
I could do with that, actually, at the hotel.
Right.
We'll do a bit of practice about haggling.
You need to haggle, otherwise, you will get ripped off.
Hang on.
So I come in your shop.
I'm browsing.
I'm looking around.
Right.
This is the finest piece we have, and it's for 100 100 English.
Seems a bit expensive, that.
Now you need to tell me you need to tell me just reduce it.
You say 10.
So you want me to buy the water, then? I didn't really come in here for that.
I came here for an ashtray, for a present.
Do you sell ashtrays? No.
Okay.
Have you got an ashtray? No, no, no.
No? I'll leave you then.
[ Chuckles .]
Right.
I'd sack you.
If you had a shop, I would get rid of you.
If I owned the shop and you worked in there, that's rubbish.
Hey, my friend, how can I take your money? [ Laughs .]
$1,000 sale, please.
[ Laughs .]
Welcome to Cairo.
Welcome.
You lost me.
I will go lower than 160.
160 is nothing.
What about 90? [ Laughs .]
You want to get it for free? Eh, never mind.
You are a very clever guy, but I don't agree with your price.
Egyptian wool.
Egyptian.
I thought you agreed 110.
No, I said 120 for you.
Do I get money off with the nose missing? No.
Well, I've been out all day, you know, seeing how the locals live, which is what it's all about.
Thought the day was coming to an end, thought I'd be able to, you know, relax a little bit, and I just got a message from Ricky and Steve saying they sorted out a place for something to eat tonight, which is a bit of a worry.
I'll get you the special of the day, typical Egyptian food.
Cheers.
Thanks a lot.
It's a bit annoying.
He's just cooking something for me.
I don't know what it is.
I don't like hummus that much.
Hummus, couscous anything like that, I just don't have that sort of stuff.
It's not a meal.
It's a garnish.
I would have loved just chicken and chips.
Just something not too challenging.
I just want a meal.
I'm hungry.
I never experimented that much with food.
I've had pasta until I was about 21, 22.
All right.
Brilliant.
I got a bit of a taste of that at the end, and I'm sure I knew what it was.
I'll have a bit again.
I'm sure I've had it before.
Okay.
It's rubbery.
Rubbery.
Chewy.
Corn beefy.
How about testicle? That's a testicle? Uh-huh.
And the chewy one, penis.
Normally on Monday, probably have a little bit of lamb that's leftover from Sunday dinner or something, and yet, you know, this Monday night [Bleep.]
Bollocks, couple of eyes, a bit of tongue, you know, for garnish.
I never thought I'd be saying that.
It's supposed to be good for you as a male.
But why do you use everything to that degree? We kind of eat everything.
Nothing goes to waste.
Besides, it's delicious.
Yeah, I said Well, I didn't say delicious.
I didn't say delicious.
You put words in me mouth, along with other things.
[ Cellphone ringing .]
Hello? Hello? What? It's, uh [ horn honking .]
Can you hear that? There's just car horns and that, constant.
Oh, God! Anyway, the hotel's pretty depressing.
What, the little little hat? No, I wasn't planning on sort of rushing out.
Yeah, but I told you, when in Rome, I'm happy to go along with it.
I'll eat pasta.
[ Laughs .]
But when in Egypt They don't say, do they, "when in Egypt, have a bollock for lunch"? See you later.
Yeah.
[ Beep .]
When Michael Palin goes working around the world, is this what it's like for him? Has he got racket going on like that outside? Has he got mates calling him up, annoying him? I mean, when Palin went around the world in 80 days, I wonder if that was a scheduled time or if he just said, "I'm sick of this.
Can we speed it up?" Is that better? I don't know.
[ Sighs .]
I'd be quite happy going home now, honestly.
You know, I've been here a few days.
All right, I haven't seen the pyramids yet, but I bet most of the locals haven't, 'cause that's what happens, isn't it, when you live somewhere? You don't bother seeing the sort of touristy stuff.
I haven't even seen Buckingham Palace yet.
The weather's bad, isn't it? So what then to do? Do you know what I mean? So I'm just killing time, really, till it clears up.
Steve started out with Achmed to show me around the museum, which apparently is world-famous.
That's what Steve said.
And I was like, "what do you mean, world-famous?" He's like, "yeah, yeah.
It's a world-famous museum.
" And I said, "I haven't heard of it.
" He said, "what do you mean, you haven't heard of it?" I said, "I haven't heard of it.
" So, Karl, I would like you to join on a journey through time.
The moment we walk in, a long history splendor and mystery will be unfolding.
I will breathe life into history.
So, I'm not looking forward to going 'round it, to be honest.
I mean, I don't go to museums at home, so I don't see what difference it makes just 'cause it's in Egypt.
So you have clockwise from predynastic to early dynastic, old kingdom, middle kingdom, new kingdom.
So look here.
The pharaoh is harpooning.
9 years old boy king.
You cannot see the hippo he's harpooning.
Why not? This is the magic.
Because with magic, that hippo will come into life.
So, again, coffin within a coffin, sarcophagus within a sarcophagus.
You can see the cartouche.
The cartouche is the name of the pharaoh, the boy king.
At some point, he was bringing back a pigmy.
Was it a portrait? Can you avoid portraying the pharaoh? This is very hard, of course, to reconcile, 'cause the soul will be searching.
The Ka wants to find the pharaoh, the boy king Tutankhamen.
Yes, you have the cartouche with the boy king, but it helps even more Coming in here with Achmed, it's like a kid in a sweets shop.
It's just show you this, show you that.
It's mental.
And you can't take it all in.
It's like going Christmas shopping on, you know, Christmas Eve in a department store.
There's too much going on.
There's too much to look at.
There's too many people.
You're being pushed along.
It's a nightmare.
I want to call it a day here and get back to, I don't know, eating [Bleep.]
Bollocks again.
Seems more fun than this to me.
That just seems to me like a bit over the top.
A lot of gold, a bit sort of Pete Stringfellowish.
It's exactly the same as me aunt Nora's house with ornaments.
She keeps buying one and then she has to buy a new shelf to put the ornaments up.
It's like I haven't got enough room to buy another shelf.
She fills that and another.
And that's what I'm saying about Achmed saying they're expanding it.
You know, yeah, they say they're expanding it so more people can get in, but you know for the fact, "oh, you've got more room, have you? Bring some more in.
Get digging again.
" It's just the same.
Can I get two pieces of chicken? Two.
What? It's a KFC for deaf people.
So what do I have to do? I don't understand.
Me to point? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
One, yeah.
One of them.
One.
Original.
I don't quite know what's going on here.
Are they all deaf? Can you can you hear me? Can you hear me? Hello? No.
They're all deaf.
Thanks a lot.
Brilliant.
It's good.
Good idea.
What, to have a deaf KFC? Well, yeah, 'cause why not? You know, I don't come in here for a chat.
You come in here for food, fast food.
I'm taking it'll be even faster 'cause they're not chatting behind there.
You know, it's quick.
It's there in front of you.
Point, bang, done, out.
It's amazing, isn't it? I mean, with technology, most of it, you don't really use it, do you? It's kind of like a toy.
Seeing them use it sort of makes you realize it's a good invention, video calling and picture messaging, but when Ricky sends me a picture, it's that sort of thing.
So, this is what I'm saying.
We don't sort of use it properly.
They've got a proper use.
Do you know what I mean? I'd say that's the most annoying thing about being in this place, just being hassled all the time, no matter where you are, no matter what time of day it is.
They're just constantly hassling you.
Deaf lad sort of tapped me on the back, gave me a bit of paper.
Couldn't read it 'cause it was all in Arabic.
And pointed, just said it's a charity thing.
And I went and gave him 100 Egyptian pounds.
So he got 12 quid off me.
He didn't even look that happy.
I'll be spent by the end of tonight.
Spent a load of time with some deaf people in KFC.
They were nice.
I don't know if he was deaf.
That's the thing with that one, isn't it? It's not like all the other disabilities, where you can go, "is he lying?" You know, you can see if someone's got a leg missing or are blind or something.
But with him "Oh, that's terrible.
Here you go.
Have some money.
" Me mum's the same.
I think that's who I get it off.
With that said, she walked up to some fella who she thought was a big-issue seller who stood there with the magazine like that in his hands.
She walked up.
She said, "it's all right.
You can keep the magazine.
" Gave him a quid.
Turns out that was just a fella stood outside, going places with a holiday brochure in his hand.
He kept it.
[ Cellphone rings .]
Hi.
Yeah.
Hi, mate.
How's it going? Yeah, but I seen that.
I went to the millennium dome.
I saw it's all the same stuff.
Go on.
It's just not the sort of night at all.
It's just not the sort of entertainment thing to do for me.
It's nice going down any river on a boat, but I'd do it in the day.
At night it's pointless.
You can't see anything.
And it's that thing that's like, you know you're there for a couple of hours.
There's no getting away from it.
So they could do anything once you're on there.
[ Egyptian music plays .]
Had some entertainment, someone whizzing 'round and 'round and 'round.
He starts off he's got, like, a quilt around him, and he starts spinning.
And it was only that he'd been spinning for about three minutes, and I thought, "actually, it's pretty difficult.
He's just been spinning.
He'll be getting dizzy in a bit.
" And it went on for ages.
It's not the sort of thing you have to watch whilst he's doing it.
You just glance over now and again.
"Oh, he's still going.
" And I'm having a bit of turkey.
Bit of a waste of energy, though.
It would have been good if, at the end, he said, "and thanks to, you know, Terry.
He's been whizzing 'round, and because of that, that energy he's created is at the oven working.
We've got more food," or just something to make it seem more impressive than it was.
But the colors and that were good, and he sort of kept the room quite cool.
You know, it's quite hot in there.
So you got him wafting about, creating a draft.
[ Cellphone rings .]
[ Speaking Arabic .]
[ Laughter .]
I didn't know what was going on with the comedian.
I mean, jokes, anyway.
Even if he spoke English, humor's different everywhere you go.
[ Speaking Arabic .]
[ Laughter .]
It was a terrible night.
I mean, I hated it.
It's not my sort of thing at all, that.
When I got up and was dancing 'cause I did it just 'cause I thought, "well, I'm here now, and Ricky and Steve don't want me to do it.
They know I hate it.
" So I thought, "I might as well enjoy it.
" So I got up and had a dance.
[ Egyptian music plays .]
And she told me that, you know, I was the best dancer she'd ever seen.
Not bad, is it? Traffic's horrendous.
[ Sighs .]
Just like, it's not just the traffic.
It's just beeping.
But it just seems to be like people letting onto each other at 4:00 in the morning.
Now go home.
What are you doing? So, I reckon I've had about I reckon I've had about an hour's kip.
I mean, that's somewhat like an Egyptian.
No one's walking.
Everyone seems to be in a car at all hours, just beeping.
[ Horns honking .]
It's not enough, is it? It's not enough to say something's amazing just 'cause they're old.
'Cause you can get an old person who's done that all their life.
He wouldn't go, "I'm amazing.
" He'd go, "no [Bleep.]
" So age shouldn't really make something special.
I'm not worrying about who built them, 'cause it was ages ago, really.
When I first bought me first house, I didn't go, "who built it?" I want to know, is it safe? Is it structurally sound? Is it haunted? Whoa! What's the rush? It's been here for 4,000 years.
What's he doing? Aah! Me ass! This is mental.
Just a lot of [Bleep.]
You don't normally see any of this, do you? You don't see that many buses there.
It looks like it's right in the middle of, like, a nice desert But it isn't, is it? It's just a building site.
I'm half tempted to I mean, it's not even bits of old pyramid, is it? You've got all sorts of you've got bricks here from, like, council houses and that.
It's literally just people have brought all [Bleep.]
And dumped it here.
It's actually like "planet of the apes," isn't it? Barren.
It's like a little tornado, isn't it? You don't see that in the brochure, do you? [Bleep.]
Old nappy whizzing through the air.
Tend to leave that out.
You see, I've always wanted to see a tornado.
That is on me wish list before I die, 'cause it's natural.
It's a natural thing that I don't understand.
If that was like a little housing estate, you'd go, "yeah, any will do.
" Are they all the same size? The design actually is a bit odd, isn't it? 'Cause the square footage, the floor size, is massive, but the upstairs bit is tiny.
The great pyramid was built by Atlantian survivors with extraterrestrial help.
And they built the pyramid with the help of sound, because sound was used very much in Atlantis.
Well, Andrew and Seija were just saying that they use the pyramids at night.
They just nip in there to do some meditation, what have you.
So they said I can go with them, but I've got to learn to do some meditation first.
So they've just given me some words to learn.
Once I've done that, they said they'll tap me in.
So, that seems fair enough, doesn't it? [ Speaking indistinctly .]
They're washing up before we do this.
Leave the washing up, Seija.
It's spoiling the mood a bit.
Leave this.
Yeah.
[ Speaks indistinctly .]
If you open that door, I just put those there.
This is madness.
Gandhi wouldn't have washed up before he starts.
[ Loud prayer plays .]
Can't escape noise in here.
[ Speaks indistinctly .]
How long's this gonna go on now? Couple of minutes.
Two, three minutes.
It's five times a day.
You might as well finish the washing up.
No rush with the washing up, Andrew.
I tell you what, I bet they don't show you 'round the property 'round here at certain times of the day, do they? No, probably not.
When you're buying a place.
"Come on.
We've got to get going quick.
" "Why? Just let us go.
" You buy it, this kicks off.
Unbelievable.
That was a little bit weird, wasn't it? But I liked it.
Do you know what I mean? I'm into that sort of weirdness.
Plus, it means that I'm actually gonna go inside a pyramid tomorrow.
It's all worth it.
Got another mossie bite there.
It's well itchy, that one.
I think it's that same mossie.
The cleaners.
They haven't shown their faces still.
I don't think they are going to now.
I can't see the point.
It's like a game of jenga that's got out of hand, isn't it? Pretty high up, isn't it? I took a little bit of it, a little bit of the pyramid.
Have a look.
Got a little piece.
I don't think you meant to.
It was loose.
I didn't chip it off.
It was loose anyway.
It's better than the tut that you buy, isn't it? It's better than, you know, buying a little Egypt fellow on the back of a camel.
But it's weird, isn't it? You're allowed to just wander about on them.
If this was at home, there's no way.
This would all be roped off, wouldn't it? Wouldn't be allowed anywhere near it.
It's not treated like a wonder.
It's just like a man-made mountain, isn't it? [ Chanting .]
I'm just with Andrew and Seija again.
They're gonna teach me some more chanting before we go in the pyramid.
[ Chanting continues .]
I don't know what's going on in her head, but, you know, I like her.
I think she believes in all the energy thing that she's going on about, you know.
I want to believe it.
It would be nice if something happens, or, you know, if I feel like a bit of a, "what's that?" We'll see what happens.
[ High-pitched chanting .]
It's times like this when I think, "you know, I used to have a proper job.
What am I doing?" This is it, then.
I'm actually going inside a pyramid, which is good.
I didn't even know you could go in them.
I just thought they were like a solid structure.
Do you know what I mean? Just a load of blocks.
But you can go in them.
So, pretty exciting, isn't it? We are now in the center of our planet, an ancient power point.
[ Chanting .]
I wasn't happy about, you know, getting in there.
I'm not good in small spaces, anyway.
You know what I mean? I just was thinking, "I don't like this.
" [ Chanting .]
There was a dead body in there.
Yeah.
I've got in somewhere where some All them injections I had, it'll be all right.
It'll cover me for that, won't it? [ Chanting .]
I mean, it was all right.
You know, nothing happened, did it? You know, I got a little bit of a twinge, but I just think that was a cramp.
I don't know.
She seems fed up, really, that I didn't get anything.
But there's no point pretending, is there? That's sort of humoring her.
[ Chanting .]
I'll tell you what it reminded me of me going to a wedding with Suzanne.
She likes going to weddings.
I hate going.
And it was like I went, I did it all for her, but because I didn't enjoy it, I still get a moaning at the end of the night, and it was a bit like that.
I did all that for her.
And it was pretty comfy.
I mean, you know, compared to the Windsor.
I tell you what, I could probably get me head down in there.
[ Horns honking .]
It's not funny, is it? What? Well, I've been living next door to this.
Did Ricky put me in that one on purpose? Yeah.
Yeah.
This is the room Michael Palin was in.
but I don't think it does.
He's a typical little englander, and he doesn't like going out of his comfort zone.
Bollocks are squashed.
I just think that it'd be amazing to send him around the world.
What we'd like to see is him experience other cultures, other peoples, and see if, in any way, we can change his outlook on the world.
I've been to many exotic places.
I genuinely think travel broadens the mind.
I want him to hate it.
I want him to hate every minute of it for my own amusement.
[ Firecrackers popping .]
Nothing is funnier than Karl in a corner being poked by a stick.
I am that stick.
And now I have the might of Sky behind me.
[Bleep.]
[Bleep.]
This is one of the funniest, most expensive practical jokes I've ever done.
And it's gonna be great.
Just let me go home! Jesus.
Karl, we've arranged for you to go to Egypt to see the great pyramids.
I mean, there is a remarkable site, truly one of the seven wonders of the world.
Now, what do you know about the great pyramids? Over 4,000 years old.
4,000 years old.
Are they the oldest thing on the world? [ Laughs .]
I told you, he needs an absolute.
He needs an absolute.
Yeah, they're the oldest thing on the world.
I mean, that's pretty amazing, that I'm gonna see the oldest thing on the world.
They're not the oldest thing on the world, are they? How do you think they built it? They took their time.
Didn't have any distractions.
Now you see workmen, it's like, "you got to get it done.
We've got another job on.
" Back then, they'd just be going, "this is what we've got to do.
Get it done.
Get it built.
Go for that shape.
" And each day, they would have just the foreman went, "go for that shape," and they went, "all right.
" Yeah.
Right.
Go on, then.
Enjoy the pyramids.
All right.
I think we've got to send him economy.
I think we've got to put him up in shacks and awful hotels, and that will be funny.
The nice hotel seems to have gone now.
That's not good, is it? This is grim 'round here.
And something looks grim in the dark, you know it's not gonna be better in the day, don't you? We had here Michael Palin, monty python.
And has he been back since? No.
Thank you.
How long are we here? Huh? How long are we here for? [ Horns honking .]
[ Dog barking .]
I don't know what this is this is a bit of a it's a little bit grim.
Look at it.
Did Ricky and Steve know this was Well, they knew Michael Palin stayed here.
Yeah, I know, but it was 30 years ago.
A lot's changed.
You know, I was still at school.
How many days am I here? There's a piano right outside the room.
When do they start playing that piano? 'Cause it's literally right there.
If they start having a sing-along, I'm [bleep.]
Sit on that.
Sit on that.
Is there a mattress on it? Sit on it.
Honest to God, sit on that.
It is unbelievable.
Oh, God.
How am I gonna sleep? [ Horns honking .]
It's a bit cozy, you know.
Ricky will be all over the moon with this when he sees this 'cause he wants to annoy me.
I don't know how this is teaching me anything about sort of, you know, being Egyptian.
I mean, the fella who owns the place, his dad's 96.
There's no way he lived to be 96 by living on a bed like that in a dump room like this, having them out there all night beeping.
I'll leave it there.
I don't know what I'm going to be doing today, 'cause I haven't heard from Ricky and Steve yet.
So I'm just gonna go, you know, go out for a wander Walk about, deal with some locals, you know.
That's the plan, really.
No, thanks, mate.
Drink.
A what? Cold drink.
Coca-cola, sprite, water, tea, cafe, nescafe, cappuccino, mango, beer.
All drink, 10 pound.
Yeah, I'm all right at the moment.
I might pop in later on.
My name is Sharif, okay? Sharif.
Sharif.
Welcome to Egypt.
Cheers, Sharif.
I'll be here, okay? I'll be there for a drink if I want to get a drink.
Cheers.
It's all right.
I've just had a word with Sharif.
He's gonna look after me.
Sharif, no cafe.
That's eat? Yes.
Oh, okay.
So, if I want a drink, see you, and see you for something to eat.
Cheers.
Thank you.
Bye-bye.
[ Laughs .]
Oh, yeah.
That's good.
Have a nice time.
I will.
Thanks a lot.
Cheers.
Come back here.
If I want a drink or something.
My name's Sharif.
He's Sharif.
No, no.
My name's Sharif, Omar Sharif.
Omar Sharif.
He's Sharif.
Omar Sharif.
I'll pop in there if I'm hungry.
I'm not hungry at the moment.
All right.
Honestly, it's all right.
Yeah, it's all right.
What do you want, a drink? I'm just walking through.
If I get thirsty, I'll pop by.
Do you know what? I'm not hungry at the moment.
Yes? Yeah, I was back there.
I sort of got off food a little bit.
I'm okay at the moment.
Thanks a lot.
Cheers.
[Bleep.]
I've already got some.
Don't smoke.
If I wanted a watch, I'd buy one off you.
Don't need.
It's for a woman.
My girlfriend's head is slightly bigger.
I don't need any glasses.
[Bleep.]
If there's one thing that's done me head in since I've been here, it's all this.
You can't walk down there.
Forget, like, just using it as a cut through, 'cause it's not a shortcut.
It can't be a shortcut, 'cause you get stopped every few seconds.
Yeah, all right.
So, I mean, I bet she left the house when she was 10.
I'll tell you, seriously, it takes you forever to get anything done here.
Hi.
Didn't sleep at all.
I'm gonna go over and see the pyramids today.
That's the plan.
That's why I'm in Egypt, isn't it? I mean, I wish I could have seen them sooner.
You know, the sooner I see them, the sooner I can go home, but, yeah, Steve's sorted out some local bloke who's got a camel.
He's gonna take me over there on one of them.
When I was younger, I got on a horse, and someone sort of burned the horse's ass.
It bolted, and I was on it and falling off the edge.
So I've always said I'd never go on any animal that's sort of bigger than me.
So it's a little bit crazy, but it seems to be the way they get around here anyway.
They're all using donkeys and camels.
So as long as nobody is neighbour with a fag end, it should be alright, really.
It's crazy here, though, isn't it? It's the non-touristy bit, isn't it? This is what it's all about.
So, yeah, I'm meeting this fella.
Need to use his toilet straightaway.
Is that rude? No, it should be all right.
Mahmoud.
Hi.
How are you doing? Fine.
Good to see you.
Good to see you, too.
I'm Karl.
Welcome.
Come in.
How you doing? Do you mind if I use your toilet quickly? It's just that I've drank a lot of coffee this morning.
That's my family here.
Hello.
Who's that? Cooking tea.
Is that your girlfriend? She's my mother.
Your mother! Come on, man.
She's not your mother.
She is.
Can I ask how old she is? She's 38.
She is my mother.
In our family, we marry when we're very young.
How old are you? I'm 22, and I have child.
I needed that.
Much better.
That's me and my wife.
Is that it now for life? Are you settled now? You'll stay with this woman? I can have one if I want.
If feel like I want one, then I can.
Four women.
You're allowed four women? Yes, four women I can have if I want to.
But I'm happy until now, but I don't know what's gonna happen.
Pace yourself.
I mean, you're only 22.
Spread it out a little bit, you know.
Do you know, like, how snow white had, like, a happy miserable one.
She had, like, a mixture.
Would you go for a totally different woman so that if you're in the mood for someone to be happy, you go, "oh, I'll see her today"? Yes.
Life is too short, man.
One, two, three.
Hang on a minute.
Hold on tight on here.
[ Camel grunts .]
Whoa! Bloody high up, this, isn't it? All right.
You just need to hold well.
I'm holding on.
Hi.
I'm holding on.
[ Horn honking .]
Me bollocks are squashed.
[ Farting noise .]
Is that you or the camel? Huh? Is that you? What? That sounded human.
That's the camel, man.
Well, you know, rocking left and right makes things happen.
What you've got to remember is, I'm getting the back draft.
[ Laughs .]
How are you doing? Hi.
It's chronic, isn't it, today? Can't even see the pyramids.
Come all this way, and that's the view you get.
I mean, the idea is now that I stand there and I'm blown away.
That's what's meant to happen, isn't it? I mean, I am getting blown away, but mainly by the wind that's going on there.
We got a sand storm, and I've got sand in me eyes.
I can't see anything anyway, even if it was a clear day.
It's a bit annoying.
You know, I thought it would feel more special than this.
I keep getting messages from home.
I mean, Susan's moaning about the boiler again.
That's starting to play up.
Normally that's my problem, but now I'm away.
I've made it her problem.
And them I'm also getting messages I'll show you this one, from Ricky.
He just keeps sending stuff 'cause he knows it costs me money to receive them.
There's just something on there.
70 pounds.
'Cause he knows that it's cost me about 70p for him to send that.
There's nothing else in there.
He's not asking, "how are you?" You know? "What are you up to? What have you seen? Are you enjoying it?" "70p.
" That's all he said.
So why are you wearing this? This is comfy wear, isn't it? I mean, this is like pajamas at the end of the day.
I mean, the problem is, I've been getting mossie bites and stuff.
So I wanted something with sort of long sleeves on it to sort of keep them away.
It's just comfy.
Loads of room in it.
Normally pajamas sort of roll up your arms and legs and that, but this is You know, it's all right, isn't it? I mean, that's the good thing if you lived here.
You could just sort of if you start work at 9:00, you could get out of bed about five to, keep it on.
Straight off.
Steve sent me a text.
It said meet up with a lad called Achmed.
He's gonna show me around the place.
[ Shouting indistinctly .]
Good work.
Now here, there's a gap.
What do you reckon? Now.
Yeah? Good job.
Easy.
Now you're Egyptian.
Brilliant.
Oh, wow.
If you saw that at home, you'd presume it was a pet shop.
What's a pet shop? Oh.
No, no, no.
That's for food, only for food.
So, when you look at that, do you go, "Mmm," rather than "aww.
" Well, yeah.
We eat them.
What's this stuff? Cotton.
Feel? Egyptian cotton.
So what would people do with this? For mattresses.
I could do with that, actually, at the hotel.
Right.
We'll do a bit of practice about haggling.
You need to haggle, otherwise, you will get ripped off.
Hang on.
So I come in your shop.
I'm browsing.
I'm looking around.
Right.
This is the finest piece we have, and it's for 100 100 English.
Seems a bit expensive, that.
Now you need to tell me you need to tell me just reduce it.
You say 10.
So you want me to buy the water, then? I didn't really come in here for that.
I came here for an ashtray, for a present.
Do you sell ashtrays? No.
Okay.
Have you got an ashtray? No, no, no.
No? I'll leave you then.
[ Chuckles .]
Right.
I'd sack you.
If you had a shop, I would get rid of you.
If I owned the shop and you worked in there, that's rubbish.
Hey, my friend, how can I take your money? [ Laughs .]
$1,000 sale, please.
[ Laughs .]
Welcome to Cairo.
Welcome.
You lost me.
I will go lower than 160.
160 is nothing.
What about 90? [ Laughs .]
You want to get it for free? Eh, never mind.
You are a very clever guy, but I don't agree with your price.
Egyptian wool.
Egyptian.
I thought you agreed 110.
No, I said 120 for you.
Do I get money off with the nose missing? No.
Well, I've been out all day, you know, seeing how the locals live, which is what it's all about.
Thought the day was coming to an end, thought I'd be able to, you know, relax a little bit, and I just got a message from Ricky and Steve saying they sorted out a place for something to eat tonight, which is a bit of a worry.
I'll get you the special of the day, typical Egyptian food.
Cheers.
Thanks a lot.
It's a bit annoying.
He's just cooking something for me.
I don't know what it is.
I don't like hummus that much.
Hummus, couscous anything like that, I just don't have that sort of stuff.
It's not a meal.
It's a garnish.
I would have loved just chicken and chips.
Just something not too challenging.
I just want a meal.
I'm hungry.
I never experimented that much with food.
I've had pasta until I was about 21, 22.
All right.
Brilliant.
I got a bit of a taste of that at the end, and I'm sure I knew what it was.
I'll have a bit again.
I'm sure I've had it before.
Okay.
It's rubbery.
Rubbery.
Chewy.
Corn beefy.
How about testicle? That's a testicle? Uh-huh.
And the chewy one, penis.
Normally on Monday, probably have a little bit of lamb that's leftover from Sunday dinner or something, and yet, you know, this Monday night [Bleep.]
Bollocks, couple of eyes, a bit of tongue, you know, for garnish.
I never thought I'd be saying that.
It's supposed to be good for you as a male.
But why do you use everything to that degree? We kind of eat everything.
Nothing goes to waste.
Besides, it's delicious.
Yeah, I said Well, I didn't say delicious.
I didn't say delicious.
You put words in me mouth, along with other things.
[ Cellphone ringing .]
Hello? Hello? What? It's, uh [ horn honking .]
Can you hear that? There's just car horns and that, constant.
Oh, God! Anyway, the hotel's pretty depressing.
What, the little little hat? No, I wasn't planning on sort of rushing out.
Yeah, but I told you, when in Rome, I'm happy to go along with it.
I'll eat pasta.
[ Laughs .]
But when in Egypt They don't say, do they, "when in Egypt, have a bollock for lunch"? See you later.
Yeah.
[ Beep .]
When Michael Palin goes working around the world, is this what it's like for him? Has he got racket going on like that outside? Has he got mates calling him up, annoying him? I mean, when Palin went around the world in 80 days, I wonder if that was a scheduled time or if he just said, "I'm sick of this.
Can we speed it up?" Is that better? I don't know.
[ Sighs .]
I'd be quite happy going home now, honestly.
You know, I've been here a few days.
All right, I haven't seen the pyramids yet, but I bet most of the locals haven't, 'cause that's what happens, isn't it, when you live somewhere? You don't bother seeing the sort of touristy stuff.
I haven't even seen Buckingham Palace yet.
The weather's bad, isn't it? So what then to do? Do you know what I mean? So I'm just killing time, really, till it clears up.
Steve started out with Achmed to show me around the museum, which apparently is world-famous.
That's what Steve said.
And I was like, "what do you mean, world-famous?" He's like, "yeah, yeah.
It's a world-famous museum.
" And I said, "I haven't heard of it.
" He said, "what do you mean, you haven't heard of it?" I said, "I haven't heard of it.
" So, Karl, I would like you to join on a journey through time.
The moment we walk in, a long history splendor and mystery will be unfolding.
I will breathe life into history.
So, I'm not looking forward to going 'round it, to be honest.
I mean, I don't go to museums at home, so I don't see what difference it makes just 'cause it's in Egypt.
So you have clockwise from predynastic to early dynastic, old kingdom, middle kingdom, new kingdom.
So look here.
The pharaoh is harpooning.
9 years old boy king.
You cannot see the hippo he's harpooning.
Why not? This is the magic.
Because with magic, that hippo will come into life.
So, again, coffin within a coffin, sarcophagus within a sarcophagus.
You can see the cartouche.
The cartouche is the name of the pharaoh, the boy king.
At some point, he was bringing back a pigmy.
Was it a portrait? Can you avoid portraying the pharaoh? This is very hard, of course, to reconcile, 'cause the soul will be searching.
The Ka wants to find the pharaoh, the boy king Tutankhamen.
Yes, you have the cartouche with the boy king, but it helps even more Coming in here with Achmed, it's like a kid in a sweets shop.
It's just show you this, show you that.
It's mental.
And you can't take it all in.
It's like going Christmas shopping on, you know, Christmas Eve in a department store.
There's too much going on.
There's too much to look at.
There's too many people.
You're being pushed along.
It's a nightmare.
I want to call it a day here and get back to, I don't know, eating [Bleep.]
Bollocks again.
Seems more fun than this to me.
That just seems to me like a bit over the top.
A lot of gold, a bit sort of Pete Stringfellowish.
It's exactly the same as me aunt Nora's house with ornaments.
She keeps buying one and then she has to buy a new shelf to put the ornaments up.
It's like I haven't got enough room to buy another shelf.
She fills that and another.
And that's what I'm saying about Achmed saying they're expanding it.
You know, yeah, they say they're expanding it so more people can get in, but you know for the fact, "oh, you've got more room, have you? Bring some more in.
Get digging again.
" It's just the same.
Can I get two pieces of chicken? Two.
What? It's a KFC for deaf people.
So what do I have to do? I don't understand.
Me to point? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
One, yeah.
One of them.
One.
Original.
I don't quite know what's going on here.
Are they all deaf? Can you can you hear me? Can you hear me? Hello? No.
They're all deaf.
Thanks a lot.
Brilliant.
It's good.
Good idea.
What, to have a deaf KFC? Well, yeah, 'cause why not? You know, I don't come in here for a chat.
You come in here for food, fast food.
I'm taking it'll be even faster 'cause they're not chatting behind there.
You know, it's quick.
It's there in front of you.
Point, bang, done, out.
It's amazing, isn't it? I mean, with technology, most of it, you don't really use it, do you? It's kind of like a toy.
Seeing them use it sort of makes you realize it's a good invention, video calling and picture messaging, but when Ricky sends me a picture, it's that sort of thing.
So, this is what I'm saying.
We don't sort of use it properly.
They've got a proper use.
Do you know what I mean? I'd say that's the most annoying thing about being in this place, just being hassled all the time, no matter where you are, no matter what time of day it is.
They're just constantly hassling you.
Deaf lad sort of tapped me on the back, gave me a bit of paper.
Couldn't read it 'cause it was all in Arabic.
And pointed, just said it's a charity thing.
And I went and gave him 100 Egyptian pounds.
So he got 12 quid off me.
He didn't even look that happy.
I'll be spent by the end of tonight.
Spent a load of time with some deaf people in KFC.
They were nice.
I don't know if he was deaf.
That's the thing with that one, isn't it? It's not like all the other disabilities, where you can go, "is he lying?" You know, you can see if someone's got a leg missing or are blind or something.
But with him "Oh, that's terrible.
Here you go.
Have some money.
" Me mum's the same.
I think that's who I get it off.
With that said, she walked up to some fella who she thought was a big-issue seller who stood there with the magazine like that in his hands.
She walked up.
She said, "it's all right.
You can keep the magazine.
" Gave him a quid.
Turns out that was just a fella stood outside, going places with a holiday brochure in his hand.
He kept it.
[ Cellphone rings .]
Hi.
Yeah.
Hi, mate.
How's it going? Yeah, but I seen that.
I went to the millennium dome.
I saw it's all the same stuff.
Go on.
It's just not the sort of night at all.
It's just not the sort of entertainment thing to do for me.
It's nice going down any river on a boat, but I'd do it in the day.
At night it's pointless.
You can't see anything.
And it's that thing that's like, you know you're there for a couple of hours.
There's no getting away from it.
So they could do anything once you're on there.
[ Egyptian music plays .]
Had some entertainment, someone whizzing 'round and 'round and 'round.
He starts off he's got, like, a quilt around him, and he starts spinning.
And it was only that he'd been spinning for about three minutes, and I thought, "actually, it's pretty difficult.
He's just been spinning.
He'll be getting dizzy in a bit.
" And it went on for ages.
It's not the sort of thing you have to watch whilst he's doing it.
You just glance over now and again.
"Oh, he's still going.
" And I'm having a bit of turkey.
Bit of a waste of energy, though.
It would have been good if, at the end, he said, "and thanks to, you know, Terry.
He's been whizzing 'round, and because of that, that energy he's created is at the oven working.
We've got more food," or just something to make it seem more impressive than it was.
But the colors and that were good, and he sort of kept the room quite cool.
You know, it's quite hot in there.
So you got him wafting about, creating a draft.
[ Cellphone rings .]
[ Speaking Arabic .]
[ Laughter .]
I didn't know what was going on with the comedian.
I mean, jokes, anyway.
Even if he spoke English, humor's different everywhere you go.
[ Speaking Arabic .]
[ Laughter .]
It was a terrible night.
I mean, I hated it.
It's not my sort of thing at all, that.
When I got up and was dancing 'cause I did it just 'cause I thought, "well, I'm here now, and Ricky and Steve don't want me to do it.
They know I hate it.
" So I thought, "I might as well enjoy it.
" So I got up and had a dance.
[ Egyptian music plays .]
And she told me that, you know, I was the best dancer she'd ever seen.
Not bad, is it? Traffic's horrendous.
[ Sighs .]
Just like, it's not just the traffic.
It's just beeping.
But it just seems to be like people letting onto each other at 4:00 in the morning.
Now go home.
What are you doing? So, I reckon I've had about I reckon I've had about an hour's kip.
I mean, that's somewhat like an Egyptian.
No one's walking.
Everyone seems to be in a car at all hours, just beeping.
[ Horns honking .]
It's not enough, is it? It's not enough to say something's amazing just 'cause they're old.
'Cause you can get an old person who's done that all their life.
He wouldn't go, "I'm amazing.
" He'd go, "no [Bleep.]
" So age shouldn't really make something special.
I'm not worrying about who built them, 'cause it was ages ago, really.
When I first bought me first house, I didn't go, "who built it?" I want to know, is it safe? Is it structurally sound? Is it haunted? Whoa! What's the rush? It's been here for 4,000 years.
What's he doing? Aah! Me ass! This is mental.
Just a lot of [Bleep.]
You don't normally see any of this, do you? You don't see that many buses there.
It looks like it's right in the middle of, like, a nice desert But it isn't, is it? It's just a building site.
I'm half tempted to I mean, it's not even bits of old pyramid, is it? You've got all sorts of you've got bricks here from, like, council houses and that.
It's literally just people have brought all [Bleep.]
And dumped it here.
It's actually like "planet of the apes," isn't it? Barren.
It's like a little tornado, isn't it? You don't see that in the brochure, do you? [Bleep.]
Old nappy whizzing through the air.
Tend to leave that out.
You see, I've always wanted to see a tornado.
That is on me wish list before I die, 'cause it's natural.
It's a natural thing that I don't understand.
If that was like a little housing estate, you'd go, "yeah, any will do.
" Are they all the same size? The design actually is a bit odd, isn't it? 'Cause the square footage, the floor size, is massive, but the upstairs bit is tiny.
The great pyramid was built by Atlantian survivors with extraterrestrial help.
And they built the pyramid with the help of sound, because sound was used very much in Atlantis.
Well, Andrew and Seija were just saying that they use the pyramids at night.
They just nip in there to do some meditation, what have you.
So they said I can go with them, but I've got to learn to do some meditation first.
So they've just given me some words to learn.
Once I've done that, they said they'll tap me in.
So, that seems fair enough, doesn't it? [ Speaking indistinctly .]
They're washing up before we do this.
Leave the washing up, Seija.
It's spoiling the mood a bit.
Leave this.
Yeah.
[ Speaks indistinctly .]
If you open that door, I just put those there.
This is madness.
Gandhi wouldn't have washed up before he starts.
[ Loud prayer plays .]
Can't escape noise in here.
[ Speaks indistinctly .]
How long's this gonna go on now? Couple of minutes.
Two, three minutes.
It's five times a day.
You might as well finish the washing up.
No rush with the washing up, Andrew.
I tell you what, I bet they don't show you 'round the property 'round here at certain times of the day, do they? No, probably not.
When you're buying a place.
"Come on.
We've got to get going quick.
" "Why? Just let us go.
" You buy it, this kicks off.
Unbelievable.
That was a little bit weird, wasn't it? But I liked it.
Do you know what I mean? I'm into that sort of weirdness.
Plus, it means that I'm actually gonna go inside a pyramid tomorrow.
It's all worth it.
Got another mossie bite there.
It's well itchy, that one.
I think it's that same mossie.
The cleaners.
They haven't shown their faces still.
I don't think they are going to now.
I can't see the point.
It's like a game of jenga that's got out of hand, isn't it? Pretty high up, isn't it? I took a little bit of it, a little bit of the pyramid.
Have a look.
Got a little piece.
I don't think you meant to.
It was loose.
I didn't chip it off.
It was loose anyway.
It's better than the tut that you buy, isn't it? It's better than, you know, buying a little Egypt fellow on the back of a camel.
But it's weird, isn't it? You're allowed to just wander about on them.
If this was at home, there's no way.
This would all be roped off, wouldn't it? Wouldn't be allowed anywhere near it.
It's not treated like a wonder.
It's just like a man-made mountain, isn't it? [ Chanting .]
I'm just with Andrew and Seija again.
They're gonna teach me some more chanting before we go in the pyramid.
[ Chanting continues .]
I don't know what's going on in her head, but, you know, I like her.
I think she believes in all the energy thing that she's going on about, you know.
I want to believe it.
It would be nice if something happens, or, you know, if I feel like a bit of a, "what's that?" We'll see what happens.
[ High-pitched chanting .]
It's times like this when I think, "you know, I used to have a proper job.
What am I doing?" This is it, then.
I'm actually going inside a pyramid, which is good.
I didn't even know you could go in them.
I just thought they were like a solid structure.
Do you know what I mean? Just a load of blocks.
But you can go in them.
So, pretty exciting, isn't it? We are now in the center of our planet, an ancient power point.
[ Chanting .]
I wasn't happy about, you know, getting in there.
I'm not good in small spaces, anyway.
You know what I mean? I just was thinking, "I don't like this.
" [ Chanting .]
There was a dead body in there.
Yeah.
I've got in somewhere where some All them injections I had, it'll be all right.
It'll cover me for that, won't it? [ Chanting .]
I mean, it was all right.
You know, nothing happened, did it? You know, I got a little bit of a twinge, but I just think that was a cramp.
I don't know.
She seems fed up, really, that I didn't get anything.
But there's no point pretending, is there? That's sort of humoring her.
[ Chanting .]
I'll tell you what it reminded me of me going to a wedding with Suzanne.
She likes going to weddings.
I hate going.
And it was like I went, I did it all for her, but because I didn't enjoy it, I still get a moaning at the end of the night, and it was a bit like that.
I did all that for her.
And it was pretty comfy.
I mean, you know, compared to the Windsor.
I tell you what, I could probably get me head down in there.
[ Horns honking .]
It's not funny, is it? What? Well, I've been living next door to this.
Did Ricky put me in that one on purpose? Yeah.
Yeah.
This is the room Michael Palin was in.
but I don't think it does.