Anna and Katy (2013) s01e05 Episode Script
Episode 5
1 At Ignition Car Wash Solutions, project manager Becks is presenting the company's quarterly sales figures.
In summary, we have washed no cars in three months.
Are there any questions? Right, I'm actually sorry to cause a disablement to your meeting.
It's not a meeting here, Becks, but I'm afraid I've actually found out that we have a rival firm undercutting us in the area.
No, we can't let them get away with this, Ashley! Right, where's your project manager, please? Our what? Who is in charge? Me.
Right, well, we've actually got a serious problem here because you are actually undercutting We've actually got a serious problem here because you are undercutting.
Our rates.
Oh right, it's Paul.
Right, Paul, where the hell are you? Have you managed to clinch any washes at the supermarket car park today? I've actually gone one better.
I managed to secure us a meeting with Britain's biggest board game manufacturer.
How's that going to help us to wash more cars? They're the UK's biggest board game manufacturer.
I'm showing ambition! Damn it! Right, I've literally given this issue some thought.
I would like to offer you £40,000 for a 20% stake share in the business.
Right, can I just stop you there? Can I just stop you from stopping me? Well, you just preventuated my stopping you, and for that, I actually respect you and business.
Right, OK, boys, let's just stop pissing around the business bush here, shall we? 40 grand for a 20% stake share.
40 grand? We could buy X-Boxes.
Where are we going to get £40,000 from? It's fine.
I'll just re-mortgage the house again.
Is that wise? They are sitting on a gold mine here, Ashley, we cannot lose.
45,000.
£46,000.
Yeah! Well done, boys, you've got yourselves a deal.
You won't regret this.
Siri, can you tell Mike that I've re-mortgaged the house again but it's fine because it's a sure-fire business hit.
'Sorry about that.
' Thanks, Siri.
Welcome back to Congratulation.
Ya made it back.
Congratulation.
Now, it's a Tuesday, so you know what that mean.
It's time to say congratulation to one of you wonderful viewers in person.
So here to receive their very own congratulation is Mr Patrick David MacKenzie.
Hello, Patrick David MacKenzie.
Hello to you, Jacqueline Holmes.
Hello, Patrick David MacKenzie.
Aye.
So, thanks for coming on the show, Patrick.
Now, I know you've been pretty nervous and excited sitting back there waiting to come on for your congratulation.
Yes, Jacqueline, big fan of the show.
Me watch it every week.
It on every day.
Now, why don't you tell us a few things that you been up to this week and what you want congratulating for.
I've got a new jacket, Jacqueline.
Where did you get the jacket from? Top Shop, Jacqueline.
Congratulation, Top Shop.
Yes, congratulation.
It always nice to sell a jacket! What else you been up to? I was waiting in a queue behind Vernon Kaye.
I got a picture of his back.
Oh Congratulation, here we are.
He was enormous.
Well, thanks very much, Patrick, for coming on.
Have you come far today to be with us? Yes.
Jacqueline OK, great.
Have you had fun today, tell me, Patrick? Yes.
Jacqueline, marry me Oh, no, no! Get him off! Marry me, Jacqueline! Jacqueline! Be my bride! Get off me! Uh, so Be my bride Jacqueline! Couple of quick ones now.
Apologies if we don't get to yours today, we'll do our best here.
OK.
Congratulations to Edna, who's just signed up for internet bonk Oh! Oh! I nearly said something I shouldn't have then.
Signed up for internet banking.
And the biggest congratulation of today goes to the county of Sussex, who just had their hosepipe ban lifted! Jacqueline! So the biggest congratulation to the county of Sussex who had their hose pipe ban lifted! You're standing on my dick! Oh, hello, can I speak to Peter Hogwood, please? Oh, is he? Oh, right.
Yes, that would be great if you have it, yes.
Lovely.
OK, that's great.
OK.
Thank you, bye.
Bonjour, um Yes.
Je voudrais speak to, uh Monsieur Peter Hogwood? Oh, pardonnez moi.
Pardonnez moi.
Oui, oui, oui.
Merci.
Mi a hao wa Si ta tiPeter Hogwood? N-ne.
Ung may anaya masumgai ung ung oy aPeter Hogwood? OK, yeah.
No, that's all right.
Uh, ja, hast ein telephone number for Peter Hogwood? Ah.
Wunderbar.
Oh, hello there, yes.
I'm trying to reach Peter Hogwood.
I Is it? Peter? Oh.
Peter, brilliant.
Um Peter, in 1992 you said the words, "Go home, nobody likes you," to me, in front of everyone in the classroom.
Well, I'd just like to say, Peter, if nobody likes me, then how come all my family love me? Oh, was it? Oh, was it? Oh.
OK, all right.
Not to worry, sorry.
Thanks.
Hello, can I have a number for Matthew Buckham, please? Hello, mate.
Oh! Hello, mate.
Gut haben a gut weekend, dichtag? Ja, nicht schtupen.
Eis kalt! Ja, das thermostat kaput.
Ah! Ok.
Max, I Oh, hi, mate.
Oh, hi, mate.
Hello, mate.
Vaten fuck? This hospital is ein eisenhof! Ja, das thermostaten shitten.
Ja, das thermostat shitten.
Keepen shut, Frau Nurse.
Hmm? Und wind your neck in, please.
Hey! Chill out! Broten ubenheffen.
Oh! This pup chill out.
Bitch haus.
Oh! Monster Munch dislodge! Hey! Kalme downen, peoplehoffen! Sorry, mate.
Sorry, mate.
Einzuschnappen kiss and make up venenhaller.
Ja! Shut up! Dr Peace, what's the matter right now? Mein haben test results schiften.
- Mate? - Mate? Mate? Scurvy.
Also today at the G8 summit in Zurich, agreement has yet to be reached over controversial import restrictions designed to limit Chinese manufacturing.
Austria's Vice President Yen Dresler has said, "The only way we can move towards "the restrictions without the approval of the" Um, well, apologies there to viewers who may have been offended but apparently, I was doing the voice.
Well, it seems we can now go over live to County Antrim where Polly has the latest on those shootings.
Polly.
Thanks, Suzanne.
I'm joined now by Inspector Pell.
Inspector, can you confirm the number of victims? Yes, there were seven bodies found inside the house at around six this morning.
And there was no eighth body found in the grounds? No, rumours of an eighth victim appear to be unfounded at this time.
And has the gunman been found? We have recovered some clothing which may belong to the suspect but he appears to have gone to ground.
You are, of course, referring to the brown trousers found in the grounds by the police.
Sorry, are you doing my voice? And now it's back to Suzanne in the studio-oh.
Polly there in County Antrim.
And now back to that G8 story.
Well, commenting on the proposed trade restrictions, China's Minister for Trade, Zing Zow Ming, has said, "Ahhh" No, I wasn't going to, no, I So we are honoured that their Royal Highnesses Princess Joanna and Princess Frida have agreed to come all this way to open this marvellous new ward which we hope will Ah, this will be them now.
Princess Joanna and Princess Frida! I don't believe it, what is that? And this is the new Prekovich ward.
Give them the flowers.
Do it.
Your majesties, if you're thirsty, I'm sure we can get a coffee through the This way! And this is where our long term patients are cared for.
It's actually really rather unhygienic.
We're just passing through, thank you.
It's quite hard to explain if you've never seen it, but there's all these people in hats.
Some people Some people, they've deliberately painted themselves the colour of orange.
Then an old man walks down the main The main woman, down the corridor bit.
Everyone all stands in a lump and there's the photo taken.
And it's quite hard to explain.
Then a nervous man gets up and talks about all his old memories.
And then the music starts and And then the music starts and all the women aren't allowed to look nice, and start crying and dancing and hugging people, but for too long.
And then at the end, you know, they go and do a secret dance with someone in a bush or a room, or you can do a sick.
Or both.
So sorry, we're looking for our ball.
All right then, don't want your friggin' life story! Beg your pardon.
You heard, bitch.
So, the purposes of a focus group such as this is to feed back to the clients, in this case, a major travel agent.
So I'm going to show you a number of images that you might associate with quality, and I'd really just like to hear your thoughts.
So, image one.
It's of some boats bobbing around on the harbour at sunset.
Lovely.
And image two is a pelican that's been very badly smashed up.
OK, so, who preferred the boats? Who preferred the pelican? Sorry, Carol, is that No, it's nothing.
OK.
Great, well, as I say, there's no right or wrong answers, and the wine is free so We'll just crack on.
Image three is of a swimming pool.
It's a high-end Mediterranean hotel.
Image four is of a pelican that's been very badly smashed up.
OK, I'm just going to check that with the guys.
Image two and four are the same, is that deliberate? Yes! OK, so, who liked the swimming pool? And who liked the pelican? Sorry, Carol, is your hand up or down because I can't quite tell? Sorry, that was bad of me.
It is up.
And can I ask you why you preferred the pelican? When I saw the pool and the harbour, I remembered that I had some DVDs that are overdue.
Yes.
Of course, I felt quite a lot anxious.
Then I saw the image of the pelican and I remembered that I've returned them, so I felt quite calm again.
Yes.
It's for those reasons I preferred the pelican.
Thanks, Carol.
Thanks.
Very, very helpful.
So image five and six are of a pelican that's been very badly smashed up.
Show of hands for the first pelican.
Bidedork abelle vor da funnymen! Hallo, mate.
Hallo, mate.
Eggnog? Ooh, ya! Hey, Jesus Krisingmas.
Jesus Krisingmas.
Hey, wasin geburt licktag el down in the dumps.
Furtig, lonely.
Lonely, el a Krisingmas.
Lonely! Du?! Get fuck.
Prendigas gleben points.
It could be vorse, Pippaeffen.
Ya.
Hey, lacht.
Mistletits.
Dat ista tradition kissing-box.
Max? Mate? Du kissen her tu bitchen mistletits?! Mate.
Mate! Haben explain.
And du? Whatin abend bitch? Genagen.
Please.
Kay-amos.
Nick nacks.
Du cheat on wagon? Shit house.
Hallo, mate.
Hello, mate.
Hello, mate.
Fafrog.
Here is une test resulten.
Congratulee-tions.
Was ist die frag? Une Deutsche measles? Nein, she haben un baby expectun.
Nein.
Ve haven un baby expectun.
There! Ein present, Max.
Jesus Krisingmas! Hello.
Hello and welcome to all you wonderful viewers to Congratulations.
Well, as you can see love is in the air in the studio here.
That's right, today is of course February 14th.
But it's also Valentine's Day.
So first up, then, congratulations to Martin White who is no longer allergic to strawberries.
He Oh, Derek, thank you.
No, he still is allergic, his wife just texted there from A&E so, commiseration, Martin.
Now, we should actually have Audrey now on the line.
Audrey? Audrey, are you there? 'Hello, Congratulations!' No, Audrey that's our job, you're trying to take me job, Audrey?! Audrey, what do you want congratulating on? 'The dogs.
' The dogs? What have the dogs done, Audrey? 'They're not my dogs.
' Now we received a letter last week from a Virginia Dry and for those of you who watch regularly, will know that we have a wonderful floor manager called Derek.
Derek, come out here, wherever you are.
He's going to absolutely kill us now.
He's going to hate this.
Come and sit down, Derek.
Now, Virginia says, "Girls, can you tell me "if Derek is single, as I've got such a crush on him.
"I usually go for very camp men "but I think Derek's got a real sparkle in his eye.
" Now, Derek we got a bit of a surprise for you here today because we know that in the past you've expressed your desire for much older women, that's no secret.
So we thought we'd invite Virginia on to meet you in person.
Take a seat.
Hello.
Pop yourself down there.
Isn't that absolutely lovely now? Well, while those love birds are getting to know each other, let's get on with some more congratulating.
A matchmaking congratulation to Stephanie King who got her bum bag snatched last night on the train but felt a spark with the mugger.
Well, good luck finding love, Stephanie, it can strike at any time.
I actually met my partner during a hostage situation but Well, for legal reasons, I can't say any more.
Well, I'd make the most of being single actually, Stephanie because on day you'll wake up, realise that you married beneath you and spend the next two years in court.
But the biggest congratulation today goes to Nancy Shathill who just passed a kidney stone in the shape of a heart, and it says here "It was as big as a head," but it doesn't say the head of what.
Ouch.
So Congratulations to Nancy Shathill for squeezing out a heart-shaped kidney stone on one very bad scale!
In summary, we have washed no cars in three months.
Are there any questions? Right, I'm actually sorry to cause a disablement to your meeting.
It's not a meeting here, Becks, but I'm afraid I've actually found out that we have a rival firm undercutting us in the area.
No, we can't let them get away with this, Ashley! Right, where's your project manager, please? Our what? Who is in charge? Me.
Right, well, we've actually got a serious problem here because you are actually undercutting We've actually got a serious problem here because you are undercutting.
Our rates.
Oh right, it's Paul.
Right, Paul, where the hell are you? Have you managed to clinch any washes at the supermarket car park today? I've actually gone one better.
I managed to secure us a meeting with Britain's biggest board game manufacturer.
How's that going to help us to wash more cars? They're the UK's biggest board game manufacturer.
I'm showing ambition! Damn it! Right, I've literally given this issue some thought.
I would like to offer you £40,000 for a 20% stake share in the business.
Right, can I just stop you there? Can I just stop you from stopping me? Well, you just preventuated my stopping you, and for that, I actually respect you and business.
Right, OK, boys, let's just stop pissing around the business bush here, shall we? 40 grand for a 20% stake share.
40 grand? We could buy X-Boxes.
Where are we going to get £40,000 from? It's fine.
I'll just re-mortgage the house again.
Is that wise? They are sitting on a gold mine here, Ashley, we cannot lose.
45,000.
£46,000.
Yeah! Well done, boys, you've got yourselves a deal.
You won't regret this.
Siri, can you tell Mike that I've re-mortgaged the house again but it's fine because it's a sure-fire business hit.
'Sorry about that.
' Thanks, Siri.
Welcome back to Congratulation.
Ya made it back.
Congratulation.
Now, it's a Tuesday, so you know what that mean.
It's time to say congratulation to one of you wonderful viewers in person.
So here to receive their very own congratulation is Mr Patrick David MacKenzie.
Hello, Patrick David MacKenzie.
Hello to you, Jacqueline Holmes.
Hello, Patrick David MacKenzie.
Aye.
So, thanks for coming on the show, Patrick.
Now, I know you've been pretty nervous and excited sitting back there waiting to come on for your congratulation.
Yes, Jacqueline, big fan of the show.
Me watch it every week.
It on every day.
Now, why don't you tell us a few things that you been up to this week and what you want congratulating for.
I've got a new jacket, Jacqueline.
Where did you get the jacket from? Top Shop, Jacqueline.
Congratulation, Top Shop.
Yes, congratulation.
It always nice to sell a jacket! What else you been up to? I was waiting in a queue behind Vernon Kaye.
I got a picture of his back.
Oh Congratulation, here we are.
He was enormous.
Well, thanks very much, Patrick, for coming on.
Have you come far today to be with us? Yes.
Jacqueline OK, great.
Have you had fun today, tell me, Patrick? Yes.
Jacqueline, marry me Oh, no, no! Get him off! Marry me, Jacqueline! Jacqueline! Be my bride! Get off me! Uh, so Be my bride Jacqueline! Couple of quick ones now.
Apologies if we don't get to yours today, we'll do our best here.
OK.
Congratulations to Edna, who's just signed up for internet bonk Oh! Oh! I nearly said something I shouldn't have then.
Signed up for internet banking.
And the biggest congratulation of today goes to the county of Sussex, who just had their hosepipe ban lifted! Jacqueline! So the biggest congratulation to the county of Sussex who had their hose pipe ban lifted! You're standing on my dick! Oh, hello, can I speak to Peter Hogwood, please? Oh, is he? Oh, right.
Yes, that would be great if you have it, yes.
Lovely.
OK, that's great.
OK.
Thank you, bye.
Bonjour, um Yes.
Je voudrais speak to, uh Monsieur Peter Hogwood? Oh, pardonnez moi.
Pardonnez moi.
Oui, oui, oui.
Merci.
Mi a hao wa Si ta tiPeter Hogwood? N-ne.
Ung may anaya masumgai ung ung oy aPeter Hogwood? OK, yeah.
No, that's all right.
Uh, ja, hast ein telephone number for Peter Hogwood? Ah.
Wunderbar.
Oh, hello there, yes.
I'm trying to reach Peter Hogwood.
I Is it? Peter? Oh.
Peter, brilliant.
Um Peter, in 1992 you said the words, "Go home, nobody likes you," to me, in front of everyone in the classroom.
Well, I'd just like to say, Peter, if nobody likes me, then how come all my family love me? Oh, was it? Oh, was it? Oh.
OK, all right.
Not to worry, sorry.
Thanks.
Hello, can I have a number for Matthew Buckham, please? Hello, mate.
Oh! Hello, mate.
Gut haben a gut weekend, dichtag? Ja, nicht schtupen.
Eis kalt! Ja, das thermostat kaput.
Ah! Ok.
Max, I Oh, hi, mate.
Oh, hi, mate.
Hello, mate.
Vaten fuck? This hospital is ein eisenhof! Ja, das thermostaten shitten.
Ja, das thermostat shitten.
Keepen shut, Frau Nurse.
Hmm? Und wind your neck in, please.
Hey! Chill out! Broten ubenheffen.
Oh! This pup chill out.
Bitch haus.
Oh! Monster Munch dislodge! Hey! Kalme downen, peoplehoffen! Sorry, mate.
Sorry, mate.
Einzuschnappen kiss and make up venenhaller.
Ja! Shut up! Dr Peace, what's the matter right now? Mein haben test results schiften.
- Mate? - Mate? Mate? Scurvy.
Also today at the G8 summit in Zurich, agreement has yet to be reached over controversial import restrictions designed to limit Chinese manufacturing.
Austria's Vice President Yen Dresler has said, "The only way we can move towards "the restrictions without the approval of the" Um, well, apologies there to viewers who may have been offended but apparently, I was doing the voice.
Well, it seems we can now go over live to County Antrim where Polly has the latest on those shootings.
Polly.
Thanks, Suzanne.
I'm joined now by Inspector Pell.
Inspector, can you confirm the number of victims? Yes, there were seven bodies found inside the house at around six this morning.
And there was no eighth body found in the grounds? No, rumours of an eighth victim appear to be unfounded at this time.
And has the gunman been found? We have recovered some clothing which may belong to the suspect but he appears to have gone to ground.
You are, of course, referring to the brown trousers found in the grounds by the police.
Sorry, are you doing my voice? And now it's back to Suzanne in the studio-oh.
Polly there in County Antrim.
And now back to that G8 story.
Well, commenting on the proposed trade restrictions, China's Minister for Trade, Zing Zow Ming, has said, "Ahhh" No, I wasn't going to, no, I So we are honoured that their Royal Highnesses Princess Joanna and Princess Frida have agreed to come all this way to open this marvellous new ward which we hope will Ah, this will be them now.
Princess Joanna and Princess Frida! I don't believe it, what is that? And this is the new Prekovich ward.
Give them the flowers.
Do it.
Your majesties, if you're thirsty, I'm sure we can get a coffee through the This way! And this is where our long term patients are cared for.
It's actually really rather unhygienic.
We're just passing through, thank you.
It's quite hard to explain if you've never seen it, but there's all these people in hats.
Some people Some people, they've deliberately painted themselves the colour of orange.
Then an old man walks down the main The main woman, down the corridor bit.
Everyone all stands in a lump and there's the photo taken.
And it's quite hard to explain.
Then a nervous man gets up and talks about all his old memories.
And then the music starts and And then the music starts and all the women aren't allowed to look nice, and start crying and dancing and hugging people, but for too long.
And then at the end, you know, they go and do a secret dance with someone in a bush or a room, or you can do a sick.
Or both.
So sorry, we're looking for our ball.
All right then, don't want your friggin' life story! Beg your pardon.
You heard, bitch.
So, the purposes of a focus group such as this is to feed back to the clients, in this case, a major travel agent.
So I'm going to show you a number of images that you might associate with quality, and I'd really just like to hear your thoughts.
So, image one.
It's of some boats bobbing around on the harbour at sunset.
Lovely.
And image two is a pelican that's been very badly smashed up.
OK, so, who preferred the boats? Who preferred the pelican? Sorry, Carol, is that No, it's nothing.
OK.
Great, well, as I say, there's no right or wrong answers, and the wine is free so We'll just crack on.
Image three is of a swimming pool.
It's a high-end Mediterranean hotel.
Image four is of a pelican that's been very badly smashed up.
OK, I'm just going to check that with the guys.
Image two and four are the same, is that deliberate? Yes! OK, so, who liked the swimming pool? And who liked the pelican? Sorry, Carol, is your hand up or down because I can't quite tell? Sorry, that was bad of me.
It is up.
And can I ask you why you preferred the pelican? When I saw the pool and the harbour, I remembered that I had some DVDs that are overdue.
Yes.
Of course, I felt quite a lot anxious.
Then I saw the image of the pelican and I remembered that I've returned them, so I felt quite calm again.
Yes.
It's for those reasons I preferred the pelican.
Thanks, Carol.
Thanks.
Very, very helpful.
So image five and six are of a pelican that's been very badly smashed up.
Show of hands for the first pelican.
Bidedork abelle vor da funnymen! Hallo, mate.
Hallo, mate.
Eggnog? Ooh, ya! Hey, Jesus Krisingmas.
Jesus Krisingmas.
Hey, wasin geburt licktag el down in the dumps.
Furtig, lonely.
Lonely, el a Krisingmas.
Lonely! Du?! Get fuck.
Prendigas gleben points.
It could be vorse, Pippaeffen.
Ya.
Hey, lacht.
Mistletits.
Dat ista tradition kissing-box.
Max? Mate? Du kissen her tu bitchen mistletits?! Mate.
Mate! Haben explain.
And du? Whatin abend bitch? Genagen.
Please.
Kay-amos.
Nick nacks.
Du cheat on wagon? Shit house.
Hallo, mate.
Hello, mate.
Hello, mate.
Fafrog.
Here is une test resulten.
Congratulee-tions.
Was ist die frag? Une Deutsche measles? Nein, she haben un baby expectun.
Nein.
Ve haven un baby expectun.
There! Ein present, Max.
Jesus Krisingmas! Hello.
Hello and welcome to all you wonderful viewers to Congratulations.
Well, as you can see love is in the air in the studio here.
That's right, today is of course February 14th.
But it's also Valentine's Day.
So first up, then, congratulations to Martin White who is no longer allergic to strawberries.
He Oh, Derek, thank you.
No, he still is allergic, his wife just texted there from A&E so, commiseration, Martin.
Now, we should actually have Audrey now on the line.
Audrey? Audrey, are you there? 'Hello, Congratulations!' No, Audrey that's our job, you're trying to take me job, Audrey?! Audrey, what do you want congratulating on? 'The dogs.
' The dogs? What have the dogs done, Audrey? 'They're not my dogs.
' Now we received a letter last week from a Virginia Dry and for those of you who watch regularly, will know that we have a wonderful floor manager called Derek.
Derek, come out here, wherever you are.
He's going to absolutely kill us now.
He's going to hate this.
Come and sit down, Derek.
Now, Virginia says, "Girls, can you tell me "if Derek is single, as I've got such a crush on him.
"I usually go for very camp men "but I think Derek's got a real sparkle in his eye.
" Now, Derek we got a bit of a surprise for you here today because we know that in the past you've expressed your desire for much older women, that's no secret.
So we thought we'd invite Virginia on to meet you in person.
Take a seat.
Hello.
Pop yourself down there.
Isn't that absolutely lovely now? Well, while those love birds are getting to know each other, let's get on with some more congratulating.
A matchmaking congratulation to Stephanie King who got her bum bag snatched last night on the train but felt a spark with the mugger.
Well, good luck finding love, Stephanie, it can strike at any time.
I actually met my partner during a hostage situation but Well, for legal reasons, I can't say any more.
Well, I'd make the most of being single actually, Stephanie because on day you'll wake up, realise that you married beneath you and spend the next two years in court.
But the biggest congratulation today goes to Nancy Shathill who just passed a kidney stone in the shape of a heart, and it says here "It was as big as a head," but it doesn't say the head of what.
Ouch.
So Congratulations to Nancy Shathill for squeezing out a heart-shaped kidney stone on one very bad scale!